- "Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it."
- "Well, we're living in a material world, and I'm a material girl... or boy."
- "I do love the films I've done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we're trying to make people laugh and I'm very proud of that."
- "My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. "
- "[...] most of the characters I play are people who don't always feel comfortable beyond their small circle of friends."
- "Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh."
- "The problem with me, as far as getting married and having a family, is that my comedy is so important to me. So I don't know if I'll ever be as good a dad as my dad."
- "I'm not looking to get away from anything. I like what I've done. I like what I get to do and I enjoy working with my friends."
- "I think the reason I don't read is because, when I'm reading, I feel like I'm missing out on something else. You know, What are my friends doing? Where's my girlfriend?"
- "Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!"
- "When I'm up there, and I know the show's coming to a close, in my head I'm saying to myself, Oh man, you gotta get off and be a normal person again. That's what I don't like so much."
- "Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!"
- "We just bought this house. It's too big. It's like 400,000 square feet, or something. We got an indoor lake and ski slope in the house! It's just too big."
- "It definitely has learning a lesson about the way you're living your life. I wouldn't compare our movie to that, but it has a structure where it's about a man who doesn't appreciate all that he has and finds out at the end that life has been great and he has to enjoy that."
- "I mean, I look at my dad. He was twenty when he started having a family, and he was always the coolest dad. He did everything for his kids, and he never made us feel like he was pressured. I know that it must be a great feeling to be a guy like that."
- "I still get very scared when I step in front of a live audience."
- "I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means."
- "I sang a song at my sister's wedding. My mother forced me into that, too. But that one felt all right."
- "To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do."
- "My movies just kind of sneak up on you. I don't have to worry too much about what everybody is going to say. Anyway, I really don't pay attention to what the world says about my movies. I just care about what my buddies think."
- "I don't like being out in public too much. I don't like going to bars. I don't like doing celebrity stuff."
- "I sing seriously to my mom on the phone. To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story. When I hear her snoring, I hang up."
- "I don't know who I touch and who I don't. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don't have any secrets. I don't know the reasons I've been so well received."
- "Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle."
- "I never had a speech from my father 'this is what you must do or shouldn't do' but I just learned to be led by example. My father wasn't perfect."
- "Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show."
- "You know, when you don't go on TV and talk about how many women you sleep with, some people in Hollywood, that are supposedly 'in the know,' start whispering that you're gay. If I were gay, I wouldn't be ashamed to admit it, but I'm not."
- "When I was younger and did a stand-up gig, it would take me two weeks to recover. Sometimes I'd get so panicked that I would stutter."
- "I wasn't a kid growing up saying one day I'll get an Oscar and make a speech. That wasn't on my mind. So what I do is the best work I can do."
- "I shouldn't be near Vegas and have money in my pocket."
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Movie/TV title: Happy Gilmore
Movie/TV title: