- [on being told he was being awarded an honorary knighthood] What an honor and what a surprise for a boy born in England, raised in Cleveland and schooled in vaudeville.
- Golf is my real profession - show business pays my greens fees.
- You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- [On his 100th birthday] I'm so old, they've canceled my blood type.
- [at the height of the Cold War] We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.
- [When asked by his wife where he wanted to be buried] Surprise me.
- I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
- Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!"
- Welcome to the Academy Awards -- or as it's known at my house, Passover.
- [referring to the Academy Awards ceremonies] Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.
- I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.
- [At the Academy Awards] We're all here to celebrate Oscar -- or as he's known at my house, The Fugitive!
- [referring to the Academy Awards ceremonies] Welcome to "You Bet Your Career."
- [at the 50th Anniversary Academy Awards, referring to Oscar Winners Tribute Sequence] They've all got their Oscars. But are they happy?
- [1991] Remember me? The Macaulay Culkin of 1927.
- [At the Academy Awards] To all you losers, remember there's a bright side to all of this: you can still run for Governor
- [In reference to Macaulay Culkin] I remember when they handed out the Oscars in 1927; I was Home Alone, too!
- Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.
- I love Oscar, that little bald head. I didn't know Sinéad O'Connor had children!
- [In reference to the Academy Awards] It's wonderful to be here in person. I couldn't be here in spirit, so I'm here in person.
- [1991] Remember, you kids, always pay to get into the movies; the Japanese need the money.
- [referring to Macaulay Culkin] That kid's getting $5 million for his next picture. For this we need child labor laws?
- They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.
- People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
- [on Vincent Price] He always loved a good joke. Moreover, he was kind enough to laugh at jokes that weren't so good.
- If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
- [referring to both the film release of "Mommie Dearest" (Mommie DearestJoan Crawford written by her daughter Christina Crawford, and the equally scathing book about Bette Davis, written by her daughter] Now I know why tigers eat their young. (1981)), the biography of
- I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.
- I do benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
- [on Katharine Hepburn] This dame is terrific -- and expert in her craft and so electrifying on set that if you don't watch out, you're likely to wind up as part of the scenery.
- [on Jane Russell] Don't let her fool you. Tangle with her and she'll shingle your attic.
- [on Bing Crosby] A lot of people think that Bing was a loner, but Bing was a very loyal friend.
- [on Dorothy Lamour] Dottie was fearless. She stands there before the camera and ad libs with Bing Crosby and me, fully knowing the way the script's written, she'll come up second or third best.
- [when asked why he didn't run for President of the United States] I thought about it. But my wife said she wouldn't want to move into a smaller house.
- [on Jack Benny] He didn't just stand on the stage. He owned it.
- [on MGM chief Louis B. Mayer] Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself -- the Bank of America.
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