- "A man is only as faithful as his options."
- "Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!"
- "I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot."
- "Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."
- "I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson."
- "Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them."
- "Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?"
- "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty."
- "Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four."
- "Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special."
- "There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
- "You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."
- "I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity."
- "Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing."
- "School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man."
- "Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else."
- "Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders."
- "A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House."
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