Movie/TV title:
F.R.I.E.N.D.STV Comedy Sitcom
Seasons 1 - 10 (1994 - 2004)
Character name:
Monica E. Geller
(and when she got married she was refered to as Monica Geller-Bing)
 | | | "Friends: The One with the Tiny T-Shirt"
Season 2 Episode 19 - 1997
Pete: *at a hospital dedication* Monica, where are we?
Monica: Well, judging by all the doctors and nurses, I'm gonna have to say midget rodeo.
"Friends: The One with the Breast Milk"
Season 2 Episode 2 - 1995
Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, my God.
Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.
Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure!
Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!
"Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed"
Season 2 Episode 7 - 1996
Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go"
Season 2 Episode 19 - 1996
Monica Geller: *to Phoebe* What about the puppet guy?
Rachel Green: Yeah! You like totally let him wash his feet in the Pool of Your Inner Power!
Monica Geller: And his puppet, too!
Phoebe Buffay: You are such a leaf blower!
Rachel Green: Pool drainer!
Monica Geller: Twig snapper!
Rachel Green: Monkey butt!
Monica Geller: That's not in the book!
Rachel Green: No, but that's what you are!
Monica Geller: You go girl! *pauses to think*
Monica Geller: I can't pull that off, can I?
Rachel Green: *taking a "Goddess Quiz"* "Have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightening bearer?"... I would have to say "no."
Monica Geller: And I would have to say "P-ha!"
*Chandler is sleeping on Monica and Rachel's couch to avoid Eddie watching him sleep*
Chandler Bing: *wakes up and sees Monica looking at him* What is it with people watching me sleep? There will be no more watching me sleep!
Monica Geller: I wasn't...
Chandler Bing: No more watching!
Rachel Green: *after Monica and Phoebe tell her about "Be Your Own Wind Keeper"* Oh, so it's a little like "The Hobbit."
Monica Geller: It is *nothing* like "The Hobbit!"
"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor"
Season 1 Episode 22 - 1995
Monica Geller: I just had sex with someone who wasn't alive during the Bicentennial!
Ethan: *in awe* I just had sex.
Ethan: There's something you should probably know.
Monica Geller: Is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow morning' or like 'I'm secretly married to a goat'?
Ethan: It's like a mixture of both.
Monica Geller: You did not!
Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was like 9, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happened.
Monica Geller: How is that possible?
Ethan: Well think about it, you always hear it on the news. "A man is being held up at gunpoint", "Tourists are being terrorized at gunpoint". And I just kept thinking 'why do people continue to go there?'
Monica Geller: What were you thinking?
Ethan: I wasn't thinking! I was too busy falling...
Monica Geller: *grabs his mouth* Don't say it!
Ethan: *mumbled* ...in love with you!
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22 Episode
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26 Episode
Monica: *getting annoyed* I am 26 Episode
Phoebe: There you go.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
*Ross and Chandler laugh*
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
*Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do*
"Friends: The One with the Football"
Season 2 Episode 9 - 1996
*Playing Football*
Monica: Okay, Phoebs, you know what you're doing right?
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block.
Phoebe: What's block?
Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing.
Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
Monica: Now, Rachel, you want to put the apple slices in cocentric circles.
Rachel Green: No, you want to put them in cocentric circles. I want to do this.
*sticks an apple slice in Monica's nose*
Monica: Every year.
Monica: Okay, we have to pick captains.
Chandler: And then Tenniels.
Monica: Losers walk.
Dr. Ross Geller: No, losers talk.
Chandler: Actually, losers rhyme.
Monica: Okay guys, I have exactly 28 minutes before I have to baste again.
Chandler: Wow, just like in the pros.
"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate"
Season 1 Episode 1 - 1994
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding...?
Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.
*Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards*
Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Rachel: *cuts a card* You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture...
Monica: Rachel, that was a library card.
*Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card*
Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.
Monica: *to Rachel, at the end of the pilot* Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.
Monica: Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're going to love it.
"Friends: The One with the Cat"
Season 4 Episode 2 - 1997
*Monica's reunion with an old high school friend*
Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents?
Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.
Monica: So Chip, what do you do?
Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work.
Monica: You mean you still work at the multiplex?
Chip: Free candy and soda as often as I want? Who'd give up that job? I can get you free posters for your room.
Monica: No thanks, I'm set.
Monica: What happened?
Chandler Bing: Well,Joey was born and then 28 years later I was robbed!
*one the phone with Chip*
Monica: Hi, Chip... OK... OK... OK... OK... OK, bye.
*hangs up*
Monica: Oh, my God. We just had the best conversation.
*after Chip picks up Monica and she runs to her bedroom in a towel*
Monica: Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Inadvertent Kiss"
Season 5 Episode 17 - 1999
*Monica creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room*
Monica: You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you?
Chandler: No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other.
Monica: Phoebe and Gary think they're the hotter couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and have a ton of sex.
Chandler: Monica, you've got to stop this competitiveness. Just to prove them wrong you want me to go up stairs and have sex with you over, and over, and over, and I'm saying no to this why? Get your coat!
Chandler: Oh, my God. You know what just happened? You just freaked out about our relationship.
Monica: I did not.
Chandler: Yes, you did. Just admit it.
Monica: All right, all right. I admit it, I freaked out a little.
Chandler: A little? You freaked out *big time*. You know what just happened? I became the relationship master, and you turned into the bumbling screw-up. We have now switched places. Take that.
*Chandler does a victory dance, while Monica stares at him*
Chandler: *stops dancing* And, we're back to where we were...
Monica: Hello Chandler.
Chandler: Monica, this is the men's room!... Isn't it?
Monica: Hey, Rach, a guy from Ralph Lauren called. You got a second interview.
Rachel Green: Monica, that's not funny.
Monica: Oh, OK.
*dancing*
Monica: A guy from Ralph Lauren called you got a second interview.
Rachel Green: Oh, my God, Monica, you better be serious.
Monica: You just told me to be funny.
"Friends: The One with the Kips"
Season 5 Episode 5 - 1998
*after a fight caused by Chandler watching a car chase on TV*
Monica: Well why don't you blame the idiot who tried to drive from Albany to Canada on half a tank of gas?
Chandler: DO NOT speak ill of the dead.
Monica: We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend together. What's wrong with you?
Chandler: I just wanted to watch a little TV. OK relax, mom.
Monica: What did you just say?
Chandler: I said relax, Monnn.
Chandler: So, I guess this is it.
Monica: What's it?
Chandler: Well, it's over. The thing we had.
Monica: Why?
Chandler: Because, we had a fight. I mean...
Monica: Chandler, you don't just give up after you have a fight. I mean, if you do that you'd never have a relationship lasting longer than... Ohhhhh.
Monica: These clowns are trying to take us for a ride and I'm not going to let them. Now we're not a couple of suckers.
Chandler: I hear ya, Muggsie!
"Friends: The One with the Embryos"
Season 4 Episode 12 - 1998
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flay about as if independent from his body!
Ross: Every week the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
Rachel: Oh! Chandler gets it. It's Chandler Bing.
Monica: No.
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to "Chanandler Bong".
Monica: I knew that. Rachel, use your head.
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.
Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review?
Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas.
Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.
Rachel: *being waken up by the chick at 6 am* What the hell is that?
Rachel: *Monica comes out of her room* What the hell is that? Was it you?
Monica: *they hear the chick again. Rachael growls and heads toward the door to go to Chandler and Joey's room* You're really not a morning person, are you?
Rachel: Back off!
"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High"
Season 6 Episode 9 - 1999
Chandler: Why wouldn't your parents be happy that we're living together?
Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry.
Chandler: What? What? Why?
Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, you know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch.
Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?
Monica: Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did.
Jack Geller: Is that...
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, *again*.
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau.
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle.
Joey: I wanna gooooo!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.
Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put peas in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you had an important relationship is beyond me.
Judy Geller: I think he's stoned again.
Chandler, Monica: What?
Ross: Dude, I need to talk to ya a sec.
*Chandler and Ross go into Rachels former bedroom*
Ross: Okay, I think I know why my parents don't like you.
Chandler: Yeah?
Ross: Okay, we were in college. Spring break. Sophomore year. I got high and my parents came in and smellt it so I said you had smoked it and jumped out the window.
Chandler: What?
Ross: Oh come on man. How was I supposed to know we'd end up being friends after college? Let alone you living with my sister?
Chandler: What about that whole friends forever stuff?
Ross: I don't know I was all high.
Monica: *Monica enters* Mom and Dad just sent me in here to find out if you were trying to get Ross stoned.
Chandler: Ross smoked pot in college and he blamed it on me.
Monica: Ross! I can't believe you'd do that.
Chandler: The reason we haven't told them we're together is cause they hate me. So will you fix this please?
Ross: Fine, I'll tell them it wasn't Chandler who was smoking the pot. Who should I say it was?
Monica: You! Doesn't matter its not like you still do it.
Ross: Okay, who should I say "tricked me" into doing it.
Monica: No one. You go out there and you tell them exactly what happened.
Ross: Really?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: Anything else I should know?
Ross: No. Wait ya. Uh, you melted a bunch of my Dad's records.
Ross: *fake chuckle* Why?
Ross: Evidently you weren't good at handling your 'high.'
"Friends: The One Hundredth"
Season 5 Episode 3 - 1998
*a nurse just asked Monica out, Chandler gets jealous*
Monica: Sure, can't wait
*Nurse walks by*
Chandler: How's about me and you, Saturday night?
Nurse: No.
Chandler: Ok very nice.
Monica: All right, I'm going to tell him that its not going to happen.
*as she starts to leave, Chandler does his victory dance*
Monica: DON'T DO THE DANCE.
Chandler: Got it.
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not goof around with him.
Chandler: Y'know, I don't know if you've ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary. Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, y'know, get you my original dictionary. I am so bad at this.
Monica: I think you're better than you think you are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
Monica: *interrupting* Know when to stop.
Chandler: Y'know, I sensed that I should stop. So we're okay?
Monica: Yeah. All right, I'm gonna go tell Dan that it's not gonna happen.
*They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around*
Monica: Don't do the dance.
"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break"
Season 2 Episode 15 - 1997
Monica Geller: That's my doodle of a ladybeetle with a top hat. She's fancy.
Monica Geller: What do I do? Sit here quietly while the three of you have a conversation?
Phoebe Buffay: That would be great. Thank you.
Monica Geller: My guy has coupons. Your guy can't even *say* coupons.
"Friends: The One the Morning After"
Season 2 Episode 16 - 1997
Phoebe Buffay: Why are you mopping your ceiling?
Monica Geller: There's banana on it.
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, I have the spirit of an old indian woman on mine.
Phoebe Buffay: That doesn't sound "painless"
Monica Geller: No, it was pain *full*
Monica Geller: We were just waxing our legs.
Chandler Bing: *Off*?
"Friends: The One with the Birth"
Season 1 Episode 23 - 1995
Monica: *pushes Chandler off her shoulder* come on let's get some coffee.
Chandler: Oh right because we never do that.
Monica: Seriously! Hypothetically, why won't I have a baby by the time I'm 40?
Chandler: Oh dear God... This parachute is a backpack!
Monica: I wanna baby.
Chandler: Hmmm... Not tonight honey. I got an early day tomorrow.
"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out"
Season 5 Episode 14 - 1999
*Phoebe has been hitting on Chandler*
Monica: Oh my God. She knows about us.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Monica: Phoebe knows about us and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it.
Chandler: OK. But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps... SHE KNOWS.
Phoebe: Bye, Chandler, I miss you already!
Chandler: *shocked after feeling Phoebe pinch his butt* OK, did you see that with the inappropriate and the pinching?
Monica: Actually, I did.
Chandler: OK, now do believe that she's attracted to me?
Monica: *pauses to think*
Monica: Huh! Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she knows about us!
"Friends: The One with All the Poker"
Season 1 Episode 18 - 1995
Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker?
Ross: Well are you sure? Phoebe just threw away two jacks because they didn't look happy.
Rachel: God, could you believe what a jerk Ross was being?
Monica: Oh I know he can get really competitive.
Phoebe: *laughs*
Monica: What?
Phoebe: *pretends to pick up a phone* Hello kettle? This is Monica. You're black!
Aunt Iris: Is Tony Randall dead?
Monica: I don't think so.
Aunt Iris: Well, he might be now, because I just ran him over with my car.
"Friends: The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks"
Season 5 Episode 8 - 1998
Chandler: You should be a chef.
Monica: Okay.
*in Monica's flashback*
Judy Geller: Here, Monica, you can finish off these pies. There was no room in the fridge.
Monica: No. No thank you.
Jack Geller: Well, Judy, you did it. She's finally full.
Rachel: I can't believe Chip dumped me for that slut, Nancy Branson. You know, I'm taking him back. I don't care how much he begs.
Monica: I think his begging days are over now he's going out with Nancy Branson.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Can't Flirt"
Season 5 Episode 19 - 1999
*after Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together*
Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you?
Chandler: Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women?
Rachel: Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept* with other women...
*Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost ear-ring*
Monica: Rach? What are you doing?
Rachel: Oh, I just can't watch. It's too scary.
Monica: It's a Pampers commercial.
*Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down... *
Rachel: Oh, you know me - babies, responsibilities, ahhh.
Monica: What about these, do these look the same?
Phoebe: Definitely.
Monica: Not as each other.
Phoebe: Oh, then, no.
 "Friends: The One with Ross's New Girlfriend"
Season 2 Episode 1 - 1995
*Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair*
Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it.
Monica: How who wears it?
Phoebe: Demi Moore
Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.
Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10, eh.
Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE., I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
Phoebe: Oh, OH.
Monica: OH MY GOD.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY. Which one is Demi Moore?
Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica: I KNOW.
Monica: *while Phoebe is doing her hair* It's just a little shorter than what we discussed.
Phoebe: Don't worry, this is exactly how he wears it.
Monica: Who?
Phoebe: Demi Moore.
Monica: Demi Moore is not a man.
Phoebe: Well, he was a man in Arthur and in 10 Episode
Monica: That's Dudley Moore!
Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Well who did you want your hair like?
Monica: Demi Moore! The actress from 'Disclosure', 'Indecent Proposal', 'Ghost'.
Phoebe: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
Monica: I know!
Monica: Hey, Phoebe, guess what I'm thinking!
Phoebe: Oh, okay. How it's been so long since you've had sex and wondering if they've changed it?
Monica: *Monica glares at her*
Phoebe: Not even close...?
Monica: No... only *now* that's what I'm thinking.
"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part 1"
Season 4 Episode 23 - 1998
Monica: Guys, hurry up. The flight leaves in four hours. It could take time to get a taxi. There could be traffic. The plane could leave early. When we get to London, there could be a line at customs. Come on.
Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica
Ross: *bursts into Chandler's hotel room*
Ross: *screaming* I'm getting married today. Whoo-hoo.
Chandler: *with the covers pulled up to his chin* Morning, Ross.
Ross: I'm getting married to... day.
Chandler: Yeah, you are.
Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo.
*he runs back out the door*
Monica: *comes up from below the covers* Do you think he knew I was here?
Chandler: The guy was hammered. There's no way you look like Ross' mom.
Monica: Then why would he say it?
Chandler: Because he's crazy! Earlier, he thanked me for my very moving performance in Titanic.
"Friends: The One with the Chick and the Duck"
Season 2 Episode 21 - 1997
Monica Geller: Can you believe he just offered me a restaurant?
Rachel Green: What a jerk! You want me to kick his ass?
Monica Geller: Does this have to do with Chandler and that sock he keeps by his bed?
Phoebe Buffay: No, but let’s come back to that later!
"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 2"
Season 1 Episode 17 - 1995
Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention.
Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT.
*filling out a form*
Monica: Are you currently on any medication?
Rachel: Um, oh, wait yes. Blistex.
Monica: Okay, no.
"Friends: The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress"
Season 7 Episode 17 - 2001
Monica Geller: You saw me wearing it.
Meagan Bailey: And now you'll see me buying it.
Monica Geller: Wh... You freak.
Meagan Bailey: *after having exchanged information with Monica about their wedding dates and photographer* Oh, who's your band?
Monica Geller: My fiancé wants the Swing Kings.
Meagan Bailey: Oh, you’re so lucky. My fiancé wants the heavy metal band, Carcass.
Phoebe Buffay: *excitedly* Oh, is that spelled with a "C" or a "K"? Oh my god, it doesn't matter, they're both great!
Phoebe Buffay: *somebody has just called Monica, told her something shocking and has then cut her off before she has had the chance to respond. Phoebe can't fathom what has happened.* Wh-what?
Monica Geller: That was that girl Megan. She booked the Swing Kings on the day of our wedding and said I couldn't have them back unless I gave her the dress!
Phoebe Buffay: *shocked* Ooh!
*then excitedly*
Phoebe Buffay: Does that mean Carcass is available?
"Friends: The One with the Ballroom Dancing"
Season 4 Episode 4 - 1997
Monica: *to Joey* Hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
Joey Tribbiani: *talking about Mr Treeger* The Guy made Rachel cry.
Monica: Rachel always cries.
Rachel Green: *crying* That is not true.
"Friends: The One Where Rachel's Sister Babysits"
Season 10 Episode 5 - 2003
Phoebe: Ugh. I just had the worst anniversary dinner ever!
Chandler: Really? Tell her about us, last year.
Monica: I bought Chandler a five hundred dollar watch and he wrote me a Rap song.
Ross: Really?
Chandler: Word.
Amy Green: *offended* Hey, you know what? This kid needs me, okay? She needs to have a cool fun aunt.
Monica: *argumentatively* I'm a cool fun aunt!
Amy Green: *rolling her eyes* Okay...
Chandler: Hey! Monica can be cool and fun at organized indoor events.
"Friends: The One with the Prom Video"
Season 2 Episode 14 - 1996
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ah, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Monica: *after watching the video* I can't believe you did that.
Ross: Yeah, well...
*Rachel walks to Ross and kisses him*
"Friends: The One with Joey's Dirty Day" .
Season 4 Episode 14 - 1998
Emily: Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Ross: *on the phone* I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.
Joey Tribbiani: *talking about Chandler being depressed after breaking up with Kathy* DOn't worry. He's still in his sweats. That's phase one! Don't worry... I'll be back for phase 2 Episode
Monica: What's phase 2?
Joey Tribbiani: Getting drunk and going to the strip club!
"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box"
Season 4 Episode 8 - 1997
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but,
*points to Ross*
Monica: married a lesbian,
*points to Rachel*
Monica: left a man at the altar,
*points to Phoebe*
Monica: fell in love with a gay ice dancer,
*points to Joey*
Monica: threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire,
*points to the box Chandler's in*
Monica: live in a box!
Rachel Greene: It's sick.
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel Greene: Because he's Richard's son, Monica. It's like inviting a greek tragedy over for dinner.
"Friends: The One with the Jellyfish"
Season 4 Episode 1 - 1997
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: *moan* Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.
*after Monica's been stung*
Monica: Damn the jellyfish. DAMN ALL THE JELLYFISH!
"Friends: The One with Joey's Big Break"
Season 5 Episode 22 - 1999
Phoebe: *about Ross* I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons.
Monica: Why are so mad at him?
Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay?
Monica: Well, it just seems that...
Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list by the way?
Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like?
Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it.
Monica: Open your eyes.
Rachel Green: They are.
*Rachel's eyes are closed*
Monica: How many fingers am I holding up?
Rachel Green: Four.
Monica: Oh, my God. I was thinking four.
Rachel Green: Really?
Monica: OK, now this is just practice. One... two... three.
*Rachel quickly jerks her head to avoid the eyedrops*
Monica: My pillow's all wet.
Rachel Green: Well, you said it was practice.
Monica: Then why did you move your head?
Rachel Green: Because I knew you were lying.
"Friends: The One with the Hypnosis Tape"
Season 2 Episode 18 - 1997
*Monica dates Pete, a millionaire*
Joey: *to Pete* So, how much cash is in your pocket *right now*?
Monica: *to Pete* And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.
Monica Geller: Seriously, what the hell is this?
Pete Becker: I never know how much to tip.
Monica Geller: You're suppose to double the tax, not double the tax of Romania.
"Friends: The One with the Cop"
Season 5 Episode 16 - 1999
Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day.
Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."
Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong?
Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it.
Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta...”?
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband"
Season 2 Episode 4 - 1995
Chandler: *about Joey's cameo in a porn movie* What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video!
Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and... help me out, Monica.
Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey!
Chandler: *the porn video takes place in an office* *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen.
Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job.
Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.
Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
*Everyone gasps*
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
*Everyone runs to the window to look*
Monica: Who told you that?
*Looks at Chandler*
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: *Gasps* You have a third nipple?
Chandler: *to Monica* You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: *Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him* Joey was in a porno movie!
*Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that*
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away"
Season 1 Episode 19 - 1995
Monica Geller: *showing the guys her high school photos* This is me in Sound of Music. See the Von Trapp children?
Phoebe Buffay: No.
Monica Geller: That's because I'm in front of them.
Chandler Bing: I thought that was an Alp.
Phoebe: Oh my god, oh my god!
Monica: What, what?
Phoebe: Something just brushed up against my left leg.
*Long pause*
Phoebe: Oh nevermind it was just my right leg.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel"
Season 6 Episode 2 - 1999
Monica: *on Candler moving in* Have you found a way to tell Joey yet?
Chandler: Np. I keep saying "Joey, I have to..." and then I end with "go to the bathroom". I think he may think I'm sick.
Joey: *enters the apartment* Hey, you feelin' better, man?
Monica: *on Candler moving in* Have you found a way to tell Joey yet?
Chandler: No. I keep saying "Joey, I have to..." and then I end with "go to the bathroom". I think he may think I'm sick.
Joey: *enters the apartment* Hey, you feelin' better, man?
"Friends: The One with the Two Parties"
Season 2 Episode 22 - 1996
Monica Geller: *Joey is staring at Monica's breasts* Joey, they're not real!
*Joey pays attention*
Monica Geller: I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok? They're fake. See?
*Monica squeezes one of her breasts*
Monica Geller: Honk, honk!
Chandler Bing: *pause* Wow, it's like porno for clowns!
Phoebe Buffay: I have the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica Geller: We're not having cake. We're having flan.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: It's a festive custard Mexican dessert.
Joey Tribbiani: Great idea. "Happy birthday, Rachel! Here's some goo!"
"Friends: The One with the Stoned Guy"
Season 1 Episode 15 - 1995
Monica: The he told me I harshed his buzz and I said, don't eat that, it's a kitchen magnet and he didn't listen, so we left him in the emergency room.
"Friends: The One with Joey's Bag"
Season 5 Episode 13 - 1999
*no-one knows about Monica and Chandler yet*
Monica: Chandler loves my massages.
Chandler: No, actually, he doesn't.
Monica: The minute we start to lie to each other…
*pause, everyone looks at Monica*
Monica: And, by *we*, I mean society.
"Friends: The One with the Boobies"
Season 1 Episode 13 - 1995
Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail.
Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why.
Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents.
Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures...
Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right?
Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.
"Friends: The One with George Stephanopoulos"
Season 1 Episode 4 - 1994
Monica Geller: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably kill myself.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? I'm so sorry.
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Ex-Partner"
Season 2 Episode 14 - 1997
Chandler Bing: I just had me a nubbinectomy. Two nipples, no waiting.
Monica Geller: Just like Rachel in high school.
Rachel Green: Hey!
Monica Geller: Oh, come on. You got to admit, it was an easy joke.
Chandler Bing: That was an easy joke. I could have thought of it. Why didn't I think of it?
*Points at where his "nubbin" was*
Chandler Bing: The source of all my power. Oh, my God, what have I done?
"Friends: The One Where Nana Dies Twice"
Season 1 Episode 8 - 1994
Chandler Bing: *referring to Chandler being mistaken for being homosexual* So what is it about me?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't know. You're smart, you're funny...
Chandler Bing: Ross is smart and funny, you ever think that about him?
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah right!
Chandler Bing: What is it?
Monica Geller: Ok, I don't know. You just... you have a quality
Phoebe Buffay: Yeah. Exactily
Chandler Bing: oh good "A quality," good. I was worried you guys were going to be 'vague' about this.
"Friends: The One with All the Kissing"
Season 5 Episode 2 - 1998
Monica Geller: *calling from the hall* Rachel, open this door!
Ross: Is it locked?
Rachel Green: No. She's fine.
"Friends: The One at the Beach"
Season 2 Episode 25 - 1997
Chandler Bing: Besides, worse comes to worse, I'll be your boyfriend.
Monica Geller: *laughs* Yeah, right.
Chandler Bing: *puzzled* Why is that so funny?
Monica Geller: *amused* You made a joke, right? So I laughed.
Chandler Bing: *nervous laugh, then totally serious* A little too hard. What, am I not boyfriend material?
Monica Geller: *still amused* No, your Chandler. You know, Chandler?
*punches Chandler on the arm*
Chandler Bing: *pretending to be joking* Okay, so we've established my name, and hit me.
*then serious*
Chandler Bing: But theoretically, you know, I mean, say we weren't friends, it's a blind date, I show up on your door and I'm like,
*deepens voice*
Chandler Bing: "Hey, nice to meet you, hey, hey."
Monica Geller: I'd probably be scared of a guy using a fake voice.
"Friends: The One with the Giant Poking Device"
Season 2 Episode 8 - 1996
Monica Geller Bing: *after bumping Ben's head on the ceiling, Monica & Rachel are thinking of ways to distract Ross from the bump on Ben's head* I've got it! The second that Ross walks in that door I want you to take him back to your bedroom and you do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, "Reee!"
Rachel Green: Or... We could put a hat on his head.
"Friends: The One Where They're Up All Night"
Season 7 Episode 12 - 2001
*neither Monica nor Chandler can sleep*
Monica: *lying in bed with Chandler* You awake?
Chandler: Yea, are you?
Monica: You know that was me who just said that?
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Crush"
Season 4 Episode 13 - 1998
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.
"Friends: The One with Russ"
Season 2 Episode 10 - 1996
Monica Geller: *about Ross and Russ* They're as different as night and... later that night.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Moves In"
Season 5 Episode 7 - 1998
Rachel: Well, what kind of a regatta gala starts at night?
Monica: The fake kind.
"Friends: The One with the Proposal: Part 2"
Season 6 Episode 25 - 2000
Monica Geller: No one has been more of a friend to me than... than... There's a reason why girls don't do this.
"Friends: The One with All the Haste"
Season 4 Episode 19 - 1998
Chandler: *the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys* Open up, open up, open up!
*pounds on door*
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: *next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking* Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
"Friends: The One with the Bullies"
Season 2 Episode 21 - 1996
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
Monica Geller: I don't want a beer.
Joey Tribbiani: Who said it was for you?
"Friends: The One with Joey's New Girlfriend"
Season 4 Episode 5 - 1997
Monica: *sneeze* Oh, gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold!
Phoebe: You mean you stole it!
Monica: *sneeze*
Phoebe: Don't cover your mouth when you do that!
"Friends: The One with the Home Study"
Season 10 Episode 7 - 2003
Monica Geller-Bing: *to the adoption lady* We're so glad you're here. We're really excited about getting this process started.
Chandler Bing: Because we love kids. Love them to death. Well, not actually to death. That's just a figure of speech. We love kids the appropriate amount... as allowed by law.
"Friends: The One with the Lesbian Wedding"
Season 2 Episode 11 - 1996
Monica Geller: Tell me if this is too cute, lesbian wedding: chicken breasts.
"Friends: The One on the Last Night"
Season 6 Episode 6 - 1999
Monica: And now you have to leave, and I have to live with a boy!
"Friends: The One with the Girl Who Hits Joey"
Season 5 Episode 15 - 1999
Monica: Do you really think the best reason to get married is because you're sorry?
Chandler: Oh no, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth, you know, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married.
"Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away"
Season 1 Episode 9 - 1994
Joey: Hey, Mon. I have a question... I don't see any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs"
Season 7 Episode 8 - 2000
Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.
"Friends: The One with All the Resolutions"
Season 5 Episode 11 - 1999
Monica Geller: I can't wait to see you. I'm just going to tell Rachel that I'm doing laundry for a couple hours.
Chandler: Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname?
*Rachel is shocked*
Monica Geller: You know what your nickname is, Mr Big...
Rachel: AHHHHH!
*hangs up*
"Friends: The One Where They're Going to Party!"
Season 4 Episode 9 - 1997
Monica Geller: I got offered the head chef job at Allessandro's.
Phoebe Buffay: What?
Monica Geller: It's ok, 'cause you know what, if you think about it you don't really need me for the business.
Phoebe Buffay: You're the cook! Without you it's just me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money!
"Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies"
Season 2 Episode 20 - 1996
Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
"Friends: The One with the Ball"
Season 5 Episode 21 - 1999
Monica Geller: I made this game what it is.
Chandler Bing: Not fun anymore?
"Friends: The One Where Heckles Dies"
Season 2 Episode 3 - 1995
Rachel: Monica! Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
Monica Geller: Rach, I think we have enough regular lamps.
Rachel: What? Oh come on! I mean, it's, it's not, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything. Which by the way, I also think is really cool.
Monica Geller: Look, it doesn't go with any of my stuff?
Rachel: Well, what about my stuff?
Monica Geller: You don't have any stuff.
Rachel: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
Monica Geller: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnno...
Rachel: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just someone who rents a room.
Monica Geller: ...Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
Rachel: Okay, well you "mmmmm" on that for a while. I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp!
"Friends: The One with the 'Cuffs"
Season 4 Episode 3 - 1997
*Monica is missing a fake fingernail*
Phoebe Buffay: Oh, my God. Your nails.
Monica Geller: I know. I never wear fake ones I only did it so my mom wouldn't give me grief about biting them.
Phoebe Buffay: No, I'm just saying it's weird you only have nine now.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Finds Out"
Season 2 Episode 7 - 1995
Chandler: *Chandler is doing sit-ups, but falls back on the floor*
Monica: Come on, give me five more.
Chandler: No.
Monica: Five more!
Chandler: No!
Monica: Five more, and I'll flash you.
Chandler: *Chandler immediately resumes his sit-ups*
Chandler: One... two... two and a half. Okay, just show me one of them.
"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 2"
Season 2 Episode 13 - 1996
Monica Geller: *Monica and Jean-Claude are on a blind date* You know I gotta admit that I was kinda surprised that do agreed to go on a blind date.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Normally I would not do it.
Monica Geller: Well, what made you make the exeption for me?
Jean-Claude Van Damme: Cause Rachel told me you were dying to have a threesome with me and Drew Barrymore. Oh, by the way, Drew has some groundrules.
"Friends: The One with the Routine"
Season 6 Episode 10 - 1999
*after going up to the platform with Ross*
Monica: Ross we better stick to the routine; we don't want to look stupid.
"Friends: The One with the Sonogram at the End"
Season 1 Episode 2 - 1994
Judy Geller: *about Rachel* Well, at least she had the chance to leave a man at the altar.
Monica Geller: What's that supposed to mean?
Judy Geller: Nothing. It's an expression.
Monica Geller: No, it's not.
Jack Geller: Don't listen to your mother. You're independent and you always have been. Even when you were a kid, and you were chubby and you had no friends, you were just fine! And your'd read alone in your room, and your puzzles...
*later*
Jack Geller: There are people, like Ross, who need to shoot for the stars, with his museum and his papers getting published. Other people are satisfied with staying where they are. I'm telling you, these are the people who never get cancer. They're happy with what they have, they're basically content, like... cows.
"Friends: The One with the Blackout"
Season 1 Episode 7 - 1994
*All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"*
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!
"Friends: The One with the Rumor"
Season 8 Episode 9 – 2001
Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will.
Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.
Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club?
Will: Me and Ross...
Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is.
Rachel: Ross! Who else?
Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was.
Rachel: *to Monica* Did you know about this?
Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door?
Ross: *ashamed* Uh, yes.
Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.
Monica: *about the rumor Will and Ross started about her in high school* Rachel, everybody in school heard the rumor.
Rachel: You knew and you didn't tell me!
Monica: Well, I was afraid it might be true, you'd cry and then show it to me!
Chandler: Wait a minute, we heard that rumor in my high school! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Monica: Well, there was that rumor about you making out with Miss Altman, our 50-year-old librarian.
Ross: How did you know that?
Monica: What? So it's true?
Ross: *to Monica* No.
Rachel: Oh, yeah it is. I saw you going at behind the card cataloge.
Ross: Hey, what were you doing in the library?
Rachel: They had magazines!
Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.
Joey: How big is that?
Monica: About nineteen pounds.
Joey: That's like me when I was born!
Ross: It was no big deal. We... we said that... the rumor was that you had both male and female reproductive parts.
Rachel: What?
Will: That's right! We said your parents flipped a coin, decided that Rachel was a girl, but you still had a hint of a penis.
Rachel: Oh, my God!
Monica: You started that?
Rachel: What? You heard that?
Monica: Everyone at our school heard it!
Chandler: Everybody at my school heard it! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock.
*to Rachel*
Monica: Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda overweight... really overweight... I was his thin friend.
Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend?
Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't thought about him in a long time.
"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party"
Season 8 Episode 6 - 2001
*Halloween costumes; Monica's Cat Woman and Phoebe's Super Girl*
Phoebe: Ah so we meet again oh Cat Woman
Monica: So we do oh Super Girl.
Phoebe: *laughs* It's me, Phoebe.
Monica Geller: Hey, Ross.
Ross Geller: Hey.
Monica Geller: What are you supposed to be dressed up as?
Ross Geller: Oh, well, you remember the russian satellite Sputnik? Well I am a potato or a spud and here are my antena. so?
Monica Geller: So?
Ross Geller: I'm Spudnik. Spudnik!
Chandler: Wow, I don't have the worst costume anymore.
Monica: Oh my god! Chandler is making his 'sex face'!
*Chandler is seen arm-wrestling Ross with a pathetic, weakening, and tense look on his face*
Monica: What are you?
Rachel Green: I am a woman who spent a lot of money on a dress because pretty soon, she won't be able to fit into it.
Monica: Oh. I'm Catwoman. Who wants to borrow the dress when you're too big for it.
"Friends: The One with Christmas in Tulsa"
Season 9 Episode 10 - 2002
*Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone*
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the...
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
Monica: *hugs Chandler* Honey, I am so happy you are home.
Phoebe: Yes, Chandler, you being here is the best gift you could ever give me.
Chandler: Thanks, Pheebs.
Phoebe: Now, give me my real present.
Monica: Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired?
Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me.
Monica: Oh, I'm so happy.
Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents.
*hands out envelopes to everyone*
Ross: *opens envelope* "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet".
*everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler*
Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB.
*Chandler is in Tulsa for Christmas on business, and he is on the phone with Monica. He is alone with only one other female colleague, Wendy, and Monica is worried about it*
Monica: What does she do there?
Chandler: Oh, she's regional Vice President; She's... just below me.
Monica: She did what?
Chandler: *Be-low* me!
"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 1"
Season 7 Episode 23 - 2001
Rachel Green: OK, promise not to freak out. We can't find Chandler.
*Phoebe walks in. Gives a thumbs up*
Rachel Green: er's vest. We can't find Chandler's vest?
Monica Geller: Oh, my God! Are you serious.
Phoebe Buffay: Don't worry. We found the vest. Although, we're going to have to keep an eye on it before it runs away again.
Monica Geller: *laughing* OK. Don't scare me like that. For a second I was like "Oh, my God! The worst has happened".
Monica Geller: Chandler, this is my cousin Maureen.
Chandler: We're the Bings!
Rachel Green: *to Monica and Chandler* Hi! Aww, you guys look so beautiful!
Chandler: Mr. and Mrs. Bing!
Monica Geller: Mrs. Bing? These are my parents Judy and Jack Geller.
Judy Geller: It's lovely to meet you.
Jack Geller: So, are you his mother or his father?
"Friends: The Last One: Part 1"
Season 10 Episode 19 - 2004
*Erica has just given birth to a baby boy*
Monica: Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much.
Erica: I'm really happy for you guys.
Chandler: How do you feel?
Erica: I'm tired.
Dr. Harad: Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute.
*Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly*
Monica: I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now?
Dr. Harad: The next baby should be along in a minute.
Monica: We only ordered one!
Dr. Harad: You know it's twins, right?
Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
*Erica has just given birth to the two babies that Monica and Chandler are going to adopt*
Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica.
Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name!
Monica: *pause* Son of a gun, it is!
Monica: Chandler, you're panicking...
Chandler: Yes! Join me, won't you?
"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 1"
Season 6 Episode 15 - 2000
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: *looking at Ross* What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
Monica: Phoebe, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down
Chandler Bing: I always thought having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to die.
*to Phoebe*
Chandler Bing: But you're not gonna die. Well, you are gonna die. But you're not gonna die today. I wish I was dead.
Monica: *Chandler is hired as Joey's assistant* You realize what you are now, don't you?
Chandler Bing: What?
Monica: You're his bitch!
"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 2"
Season 9 Episode 24 - 2003
Monica Geller-Bing: *everyone is up the wall hearing Joey and Rachel making out* Oh my God! I love how these walls work!
*Ross, Charlie, Joey, and Rachel hears Monica but doesn't know it's her*
Monica Geller-Bing: *with a piece of hair in her mouth* Thanks.
David: *to Phoebe* Um, Phoebe, um... I have uh... something I wanna to say...
Monica Geller-Bing: *Eavesdropping over at the next table; To Chandler* Oh my God, he's gonna do it now. Please, I cannot watch this. Lets go.
Chandler Bing: *to Monica* I think we have some time. Have you ever heard him talk? "Uh... Phoebe, um... I would be honored if uh...” Spit it out, David!
David: *to Phoebe* Um... Phoebe, um...
*Chandler smacks himself in the face out of pity*
David: You're an amazing woman, and the time we spent apart was... unbearable. Of course the sanitation strikes in Minsk didn't help.
Phoebe Buffay: *Nods in agreement* Sure, okay, yeah.
David: But um... well now that we're together again, I don't ever want to be apart, so to that end...
*pulls out a ring from his pocket*
Phoebe Buffay: *Seeing Mike walk into the restaurant* Oh my God, Mike!
David: It's David, actually.
Phoebe Buffay: No, Mike's here.
David: *Turns around* Oh, hey Mike!
Mike Hannigan: Hey, David, Chandler, Monic - whoa
*upon seeing the unpleasantness of Monica's hair*
Monica Geller-Bing: *Cries in anger* It's the humidity!
Mike Hannigan: *to Phoebe* Hi, Phoebe.
Phoebe Buffay: *to Mike* What... are you doing here?
Mike Hannigan: I have a question I need to ask you.
David: *to Mike* I have a question that I was going to ask her myself.
Mike Hannigan: *to David* Yea, I understand, but before you do, she really needs to hear this.
David: *Sarcastically* Okay! Would you care for my seat as well?
Mike Hannigan: Actually yeah, that'd be great.
David: Well that's fair you've had a long trip.
Monica: Everyone is leaving the here with someone else but us!
Chandler: That's not true, I came here with Monica and I'm leaving with Weird Al.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister"
Season 9 Episode 8 - 2002
Monica: *Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving* My God! Somebody do something! Stop them!
Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!
Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you see Emma?
Amy: I think so...
*looks at Phoebe*
Amy: Hi Emma.
Phoebe: Phoebe.
Amy: That's a funny noise.
Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.
"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2"
Season 7 Episode 24 - 2001
*Jack and Judy walk Monica down the aisle*
Judy Geller: I wish your grandmother had lived to see this.
Monica Geller-Bing: Mom, she's right there.
Judy Geller: Not that old crone. My mother.
Monica Geller-Bing: Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future before us and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soulmate, my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!
Chandler Bing: Monica, I though this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when i saw you walking down that aisle, I realized how simple it was. I love you. And surprises that come our way, it's ok, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I'm sure?
Joey Tribbiani: You may now kiss the bride. So I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. O WAIT! Do you take eachother?
Monica Geller-Bing: I do.
Chandler Bing: I do.
Monica Geller-Bing: Who are you?
Priest: I am the priest.
Chandler Bing: He's Greek Orthodox.
Rachel Green: As are you.
"Friends: The One with Monica's Boots"
Season 8 Episode 10 - 2001
Monica: *Monica referring to her fancy new boots* See, Chandler? I'm getting a lot use out of them already. They're very practical. See, you can wear them with dresses, with skirts, with pants...
Chandler: You can wear them with shorts on the street corner and earn the money to pay for them.
Monica: *while on his back* Chandler, where are my boots, do you have them?
*Chandler's carrying Monica home after she took her boots off from the pain*
Chandler: Yes, why don't we look in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay!
"Friends: The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song"
Season 9 Episode 7 - 2002
Rachel Greene: Take it from me. Mothers love me. Ross' mom actually said that I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Monica Geller-Bing: She said WHAT?
Phoebe Buffay: That she's like the daughter that she never had. Listen.
*Monica looks at Phoebe angrily*
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica, Rachel: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, you have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight!
Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents, that's a big step.
Phoebe: Really? That hadn't occured to me.
Monica: Sweetie, they're gonna love you. Just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the upper East side on Park Avenue!
Rachel: Oh, yeah, she can't be herself...
Phoebe: Alright, so, which dress?
*shows them two dresses*
Phoebe: *long pause* You can say neither...
Monica, Rachel: Oh God, neither!
Monica: I'm sorry honey, we're gonna take you shopping, it's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally, you are in such good hands and I am so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you wanna flirt a little bit but not in a gross way, just kind of like "Oh, Mr Pinser, I can see where Wallas gets his good looks from."
Monica: You went out with Wallas Pinser?
Rachel: Ah, he took the SAT's for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: *scoffs* Well, duh!
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies"
Season 7 Episode 3 - 2000
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up.
Monica: No. Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original?
Phoebe: *pauses* Because I'm normal.
Monica: Wow, I haven't made this many cookies since the 8th grade!
Phoebe: What was that, for a bake sale or something?
Monica: No, just a Friday night
"Friends: The One with the Red Sweater"
Season 8 Episode 2 - 2001
*Joey thinks that Phoebe is pregnant and proposes to her*
Monica Geller-Bing: Joey, you can't marry her.
Phoebe Buffay: Hey, lady, your day's over. It's my time now.
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel, will you marry me?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller-Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT!
"Friends: The One Where the Stripper Cries"
Season 10 Episode 11 - 2004
Ross: After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forhead but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second but it was amazing. And now I found out that you kissed her first!
Chandler: Wait, what bed did you say she was on?
Ross: Mine.
Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed.
Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed.
Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Ross: Well then who was on my bed?
Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ross: No! No! No!
Monica: Yes!
Ross: You were under the pile of coats?
Monica: I was the pile of coats.
Ross: Oh my god!
Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser?
Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel?
Monica: You were my first kiss ever?
Chandler: What did I marry into?
Monica: Two guys in one night? I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed.
"Friends: The One with Ross's Tan"
Season 10 Episode 3 - 2003
Chandler: *Ross walks in with a really dark tan* Hold on. There's something different about you.
Ross: I went to that tanning place your wife suggested.
Chandler: Was that place the sun?
Ross: It gets worse.
*holds up his top to reveal one half of his skin is still white*
Chandler: Oh my God! You can do a duet of 'Ebony & Ivory' all by yourself.
Monica: How could you mess this up? You go in the booth, you count to five...
Ross: How do you count to five?
Monica: *counts quickly* One, two, three...
Ross: Dammit!
Rachel: *after seeing Ross's tan* What is up with Miss Hawaiian Tropic?
*Phoebe & Monica are trying to avoid seeing their former neighbor Amanda, and Monica is on the phone with Amanda*
Monica: Hi Amanda. Uh, actually, now is not a good time.
*Phoebe give Monica thumbs-up*
Monica: Dinner tomorrow night?
*Phoebe gestures and mouths 'no'*
Monica: Okay, Phoebe and I will see you then.
*Hangs up phone*
Phoebe: Why, why, why didn't you just say no?
Monica: Well, I said no to her coming over now. I couldn't say no twice. I've got this uncontrollable need to please people.
Phoebe: Fine, fine.
*Walking into kitchen, visibly angry*
Phoebe: You would not hold up well under torture.
Monica: Oh, and you would?
Phoebe: *Quickly turns around* I did.
*Monica looks extremely surprised*
"Friends: The One with All the Candy"
Season 7 Episode 9 - 2000
Monica Geller: Ross, the neighbors ate all my candy!
Dr. Ross Geller: Mine stole my newspaper! It's like a crime wave!
*Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, and they got hooked on it*
Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! This woman tried to do a nice thing so she could get to know all of you and I bet not one of you can tell me her name.
Neighbor: ...Candy lady?
Chandler: Okay, that's it. Go home! You ruined it!
Joey: Yeah, you ruined it! You ruined it!
*goes inside the apartment, and starts eating the candy*
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: *takes note* Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Big Kiss"
Season 7 Episode 20 - 2001
*for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars*
Ross: Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together.
Chandler: I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight.
Monica: Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things.
Chandler: Ross is Batman.
Monica: Well, he did manage to keep his identity secret for a long time.
"Friends: The One with the Mugging"
Season 9 Episode 15 - 2003
Chandler: *walking in the door* Honey, I'm old.
Monica: I didn't know you were coming home from lunch. Can I get you anything?
Chandler: Sure, a tube of polident. Some Depends. Birthday wishes from Willard Scott.
Chandler: And here, look, they've got these wheels that pop out the bottom so you can roll around. Apparently, walking is too much exercise. Kids, kids! Roll your way to childhood obesity!
Monica: Wow. Kids today have such an easier time getting fat.
"Friends: The One with the Tea Leaves"
Season 8 Episode 17 - 2002
Monica Geller-Bing: Honey? Why is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Cat Stevens case?
Chandler Bing: Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case I just put them in the nearest one.
Monica Geller-Bing: Ok, well, where's the Cat Stevens CD?
Chandler Bing: In the James Taylor case.
Monica Geller-Bing: Where's the James Taylor CD?
Chandler Bing: Honey, I'll save you some time: two hundred CDs? Not one of them in the right case.
Monica Geller-Bing: *holding Chandler's CD* Honey? The Miami Vice soundtrack? Really?
Chandler Bing: They were just giving those away at the store... in exchange for money.
"Friends: The One with the Truth About London"
Season 7 Episode 16 - 2001
Monica: What about the second minister we meet with? I kinda liked him.
Chandler: You mean the spitter?
Monica: Come on! It wasn't that bad!
Chandler: Easy for you to say; you'll be wearing a veil.
Monica: All right, what about the third guy?
Chandler: You mean the guy who kept staring at your chest?
Monica: Can you blame him?
Chandler: Sorry, I just don't like the idea of when I say, "I do," he's thinking, "Yeah, I'd do her too!"
"Friends: The One with Princess Consuela"
Season 10 Episode 14 - 2004
*Phoebe changes her name after marrying Mike*
Monica: Hello, Miss Buffay.
Phoebe: Oh, that's not my name any more.
Monica: Oh, you changed it? Congratulations, Mrs. Hannigan.
Phoebe: No, that's not my name either.
Monica: What did you change your name to?
Phoebe: Princess Consuela Bananahammock.
Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Dream"
Season 9 Episode 19 - 2003
*Chandler booked a room in Vermont for himself and Monica, but she can't go, and he can't cancel the room*
Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: *reading the hotel brochure* I guess... It still seems a little... *moonlight boat ride*?
"Friends: The One with the Birth Mother"
Season 10 Episode 9 - 2004
Monica Geller-Bing: And behold she did adopt unto them a baby... and it was good.
"Friends: The One with Ross' Library Book"
Season 7 Episode 7 - 2000
Monica Geller: *talking about Janice* She cornered me! She asked if the wedding was in town. What was I suppossed to do?
Chandler Bing: Lie! How hard is that? 'Your check's in the mail,' 'Oh, your baby is so cute,' ' I can't wait to read your book, Ross.'
"Friends: The One with Joey's New Brain"
Season 7 Episode 15 - 2001
Monica Geller: Why is your family Scottish?
Chandler Bing: Why is your family, Ross?
"Friends: The One with the Sharks"
Season 9 Episode 4 - 2002
*Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish*
Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and thrash around?
"Friends: The One with the Lottery"
Season 9 Episode 18 - 2003
Monica Geller-Bing: *about Emma* How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Rachel Green: Well, when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Chandler Bing: Kind of like Joey...
"Friends: The One with the Memorial Service"
Season 9 Episode 17 - 2003
Dr. Ross Geller: I'm dead an no one cares.
Monica Geller-Bing: I look like a man!
Chandler Bing: Just one problem at a time, please. Ross, you only gave them one day's notice, of course no one's going to come in just one day. And Monica, it's probably the way you stand.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party"
Season 10 Episode 16 - 2004
*Rachel is outside with Joey, leaving Ross the last one to say "good-bye" to*
Monica Geller-Bing: *to Ross* So, I guess you're next. You ready?
Dr. Ross Geller: I don't think so.
Chandler Bing: Oh, you're definitely not. I haven't cried like that in years.
Monica Geller-Bing: You cried yesterday at the six-o'clock news.
Chandler Bing: That old woman was being scammed by her mechanic!
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Has the Baby: Part 2"
Season 8 Episode 24 - 2002
Monica Geller-Bing: Oh, my God, she's amazing! I'm so glad you guys got drunk and had sex!
Chandler Bing: It's incredible... I mean, one minute she's inside you and then 47 hours later here she is!
"Friends: The One with the Engagement Picture"
Season 7 Episode 5 - 2000
Phoebe: Maybe you guys can get portraits done at a professional photographer.
Monica Geller: That's a great idea. And maybe they'll have one of those wind machines and I can go like...
*Monica starts waving her head and flipping her hair*
Phoebe: That's great. Next to that, Chandler won't look so stupid.
"Friends: The Last One: Part 2"
Season 10 Episode 20 - 2004
*last lines*
Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time?
Monica: We've got some time.
Rachel: Ok, should we get some coffee?
Chandler: Sure. Where?
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Rats"
Season 9 Episode 12 - 2003
Monica Geller-Bing: *about Emma's new nanny, Molly* What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
"Friends: The One with Monica's Thunder"
Season 7 Episode 1 - 2000
Phoebe: Check it out! Okay, I can play this when guests are coming in. Okay
*singing*
Phoebe: 'First time I met Chandler, I thought he was gay But here I am singing on his wedding day!'
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: If you would've let me finish, it goes on to say that he's probably not gay.
"Friends: The One with the Holiday Armadillo"
Season 7 Episode 10 - 2000
Monica Geller: *looking at Chandler in a santa costume* Hey, You think you can keep it another night?
Chandler: Santa, really?
Monica Geller: Yeah, is that ok?
Chandler: Did your dad ever dress up like santa?
Monica Geller: No...
Chandler: Then it's okay!
"Friends: The One with the Apothecary Table"
Season 6 Episode 11 - 2000
Chandler Bing: OK, now try again.
Monica Geller: Chandler, would you like some more orange juice?
Chandler Bing: Perfect. Now you see, that wasn't loud.
Monica Geller: *yelling* I know!
"Friends: The One with the Joke"
Season 6 Episode 12 - 2000
Monica: *Rachel, Phoebe & Monica are looking at the Playboy of the Month*
Rachel: See now, I would date this girl. She's cute, she's outdoorsy, see, & she knows how to build a fire, I mean that's got to come in handy!
Monica: Hey I've got a question. If you had to pick one of us to date, who would it be?
Rachel: *looking at Monica and Phoebe* I don't know...
Monica: *looking at Phoebe and Rachel* Yeah, me either...
Phoebe: *looking at Rachel and Monica* Rachel.
Monica: *Monica and Rachel both look at Phoebe* What?
Phoebe: I don't know... me neither *Runs off*
"Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies"
Season 7 Episode 13 - 2001
Jack Geller: Well, I don't know what's in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica Geller: I used to love to play restaurant.
Dr. Ross Geller: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play "un-cooked batter eater."
Monica Geller: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a lightbulb to cook brownies!
"Friends: The One with the Proposal: Part 1"
Season 6 Episode 24 - 2000
*Chandler and Monica run into Richard and his new girlfriend*
Richard: I see you grew your hair long.
Monica: Yeah. Oh, that's right, you always wanted me to. I see you grew your mustache back.
Richard: Yeah, my nose was getting lonely.
Chandler: *to Richard's date* And you don't have a mustache, which is good.
*laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand*
Chandler: Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.
"Friends: The One with the Cake"
Season 10 Episode 4 - 2003
Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop. | |
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