Movie/TV title:Saturday Night Live
Character name:various
Quote(s):Parent: My kid saw that Tim Allen movie nine times. He loves Santa.
Dan Aykroyd: Kid, let me tell you something. I did time with Tim Allen. He's real people but he's no Santa Claus.
Mr. Kromer.....John Belushi
Mrs. Kromer.....Gilda Radner
Kenny Vorstrather.....Dan Aykroyd
Harvey Morgomaster.....Garrett Morris [ open on Mr. and Mrs. Kromer sitting on the couch in their living room ]
Mr. Kromer: Oh, honey! "Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes.
Mrs. Kromer: Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired. I think I'm just going to have another glass of diet root beer and go to bed, okay?
Mr. Kromer: Alright.
[ sound effect: shattering glass offscreen ]
Mrs. Kromer: What was that?! What's going on?!
[ a man in a ski mask rushes into the room pointing a gun ]
Kenny Vorstrather: Hi there! Please, do not be alarmed! This is only a simulated assault and burglery. Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery! This could happen to you at any time - in fact, it just has!
Mrs. Kromer: Honey, call the police! Do something!
Kenny Vorstrather: No, don't call the police. I am the police! I might be, anyway.. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer. My name is Kenny Vorstrather, and I'm President of Trojan Horse Home Security. I broke into your home tonight to show you just how vulnerable you and your family are to crime. I sell a complete range of home and garden security devices. You might say security is my life. I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure - I used to be an armored truck mechanic, in Leeber City, Arizona. And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right to throw me out of your house - if.. you think.. you can..
Mr. Kromer: If I think I can?! [ stands up ]
Kenny Vorstrather: You're a pretty hefty guy, Mr. Kromer --
[ another masked man rushes into the room pointing a gun ]
Kenny Vorstrather: [ laughs ] Don't worry, folks, you won't hurt you! This is my assistant, he's Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security. His name is Harvey Morgomaster. Harvey, like myself, is a security expert. He worked in the Army as a camoflauge artist, painting the insides of funeral homes. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer, we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home. For instance, the TPFLM System.
Mrs. Kromer: TPFLM?
Kenny Vorstrather: Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine. Or.. how about these rec room search lights, co-ordinated for fashionable surveillance. And.. for total protection in the bathroom, Toilet Bowl Piranha. It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.
Mr. Kromer: Well.. wait a minute. If we have our front lawn mined, what do we need this stuff inside the house for?
Kenny Vorstrather: [ thinking ] Okay. Okay. That's a very good question. I'm going to ask you a question now: in the event of a radioactive firestorm, how secure are your foodstuffs?
Mrs. Kromer: Oh, well, we have a fridge.
Kenny Vorstrather: Okay. I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration, a security technique. If you could go into your kitchen right now, and get me a tomato. Just a common household tomato. Green, red, I don't care. Ripe, unripe..
Mr. Kromer: [ reluctant ] Okay.. [ stands up and heads for the kitchen. Kenny shoots gun at him. ]
Kenny Vorstrather: See how frightening that was?! How effective that was in stopping you? Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down! [ Mr. Kromer sits. Kenny hands him the gun ] Here, hang on to this chunk! Feels good, doesn't it? I'm going to ask you a question, Mr. Kromer, and I want you to answer me quite honestly: would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?
Mr. Vorstrather: Well.. no.. of course not.
Kenny Vorstrather: Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?
Mrs. Kromer: Well, it would depend on who the person..
Kenny Vorstrather: Uhhhhh.. look, Mr. Kromer, how much would you pay to keep your family safe? Would you pay, say, two million dollars, if you had it?
Mr. Kromer: Well.. yeah, if I had it, yeah..
Kenny Vorstrather: Or.. one million dollars?
Mr. Kromer: Sure. If I had a million, yeah..
Kenny Vorstrather: Have you got $499.99?
Mrs. Kromer: Honey, we were saving that money!
Mr. Kromer: We were?
Kenny Vorstrather: I don't think you know how unsafe your family really is. Uh.. where's your son, uh..
Harvey Morglomaster: Ronnie.
Kenny Vorstrather: ..Ronnie, right now?
Mrs. Kromer: Uh.. well, he's outside playing in the yard.
Kenny Vorstrather: [ dialing phone ] Ah. Hello, Frank? Put the kid on, will ya?
Mr. Kromer: [ hysterical ] We'll take it! We'll take it!
Kenny Vorstrather: [ into the phone ] Okay, let the kid go. [ hangs up phone ] I'm glad you decided. [ takes out papers ] Here, if you could sign right here, we'll have the contract drawn up..
[ Mr. and Mrs. Kromer awkwardly sign all the forms as the scene fades to black ]
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Movie/TV title:1941
Character name:Sgt. Frank Tree
Quote(s):Sergeant Frank Tree: If there's one thing I can't stand seeing, it's Americans fighting Americans.
Private Foley: Now Sarge, what is the loading and firing procedure for the 75-millimeter cannon?
Sergeant Frank Tree: [delirious] There are five basic components...
Private Foley: This is it, pay attention.
Sergeant Frank Tree: ...to the new General Electric refrigerator: one, the freon compressor, two, the freon tube...
[last lines]
Sergeant Frank Tree: You know, this year wasn't the big year of the war, '41. I think the really big year is going to be 1942.
Major General Joseph W. Stillwell: [sighs] It's gonna be a long war.
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Movie/TV title:The Blues Brothers
Character name: Elwood Blues
Quote(s):[Sister Mary Stigmata hits Elwood with her stick]
Elwood: Ow, you fat penguin!
[Elwood Blues Jake Blues has a fight over the police car Elwood Blues got after he traded away the original bluesmobile for a microphone]
Elwood: You don't like it?
Jake: No I don't like it...
[Elwood Blues floors the pedal and jumps over an open drawbridge]
Jake: Car's got a lot of pickup.
Elwood: It's got a cop motor, a 440 cubic inch plant, it's got cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks. It's a model made before catalytic converters so it'll run good on regular gas. What do you say, is it the new Bluesmobile or what?
[a brief thinking pause while Jake attempts to light a cigarette]
Jake: Fix the cigarette lighter.
Mrs. Tarantino: Are you the police?
Elwood: No, ma'am. We're musicians.
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Movie/TV title:Neighbors
Character name:Vic
Quote(s):Vic: We haven't any children, unless Ramona just pumped one out and didn't tell me about it.
Vic: We're waiting, or do I have to pound it out of you?
Earl Keese: Don't ever speak to me like that in my own house!
Vic: Why would I?
Earl Keese: You just did.
Vic: I didn't mean anything - it's just something a guy says.
Earl Keese: I never say it.
Vic: I don't blame you.
Vic: Believe me, I know women - upside down and backwards, which is not a bad way to know 'em, huh?
Vic: Stay here on the outer limits of the dead end zone? Nothing personal, but life at the end of the road just ain't for Captain Vic and Empress Ramona. Sorry folks, but you can color us gone.
Vic: Old Earl here was worried about Baby.
Enid Keese: Oh, he's no trouble at all. He's a perfect gentleman. You can leave him with me anytime you want.
Vic: Don't worry, I will.
Enid Keese: [to Earl] They spoil him awfully.
Vic: Well, I want him to have every advantage I was denied as a young dog.
Vic: Well, I can think of a problem that's a good deal more important and you, as a parent, are ignoring it completely.
Earl Keese: What?
Vic: What is Elaine doing about sex? Is she getting probed?
Earl Keese: [throws coffee at Vic]
Vic: That was very foolish, Earl. And it could get ya' snuffed!
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Movie/TV title:Trading Places
Character name:Louis Winthorpe III
Quote(s):Billy Ray Valentine: [watches Louis clean his shotgun] You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun 'cause you ****** at 'em.
Louis Winthorpe III: Why not?
Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get 20 years for that ****.
Louis Winthorpe III: Listen, do you have any better ideas?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
Coleman: You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.
[approaching the New York Commodities Exchange]
Louis Winthorpe III: Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah, we got to kill the motherf... - we got to kill 'em!
Louis Winthorpe III: He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.
Louis Winthorpe III: I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.
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Movie/TV title:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
Character name:Weber
Quote(s):Webber: Ah, Dr. Jones. I'm Earl Webber. I spoke with your assistant and managed to secure three seats. However, there might be a *slight* inconvenience as you will be riding on a cargo plane full of live poultry.
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Movie/TV title:Ghostbusters 1 & 2
Character name:Dr Raymond Stantz
Quote(s):Dr. Peter Venkman: [as the Ghostbusters approach Gozer] Grab your stick!
[the Ghostbusters draw their handsets]
Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: HOLDIN'!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Heat 'em up!
[they arm their packs]
Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: SMOKIN'!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Make 'em hard!
[they rack their handsets]
Dr Ray Stantz, Dr. Egon Spengler, Winston Zeddemore: READY!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown... THROW IT!
[evaluating a site for their business]
Dr. Peter Venkman: What do you think, Egon?
Dr. Egon Spengler: I think this building should be condemned. There's serious metal fatigue in all the load-bearing members, the wiring is substandard, it's completely inadequate for our power needs, and the neighborhood is like a demilitarized zone.
Dr Ray Stantz: Hey. Does this pole still work?
[slides down a fireman's pole]
Dr Ray Stantz: Wow. This place is great. When can we move in? You gotta try this pole. I'm gonna get my stuff. Hey. We should stay here. Tonight. Sleep here. You know, to try it out.
[Venkman looks at Spengler. Spengler slowly shakes his head. Venkman turns to the real estate agent]
Dr. Peter Venkman: I think we'll take it.
Dr Ray Stantz: My parents left me that house. I was born there.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're not gonna lose the house, everybody has three mortgages nowadays.
Dr Ray Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're right, no human being would stack books like this.
Dr Ray Stantz: Listen... do you smell something?
Dr Ray Stantz: Well, this is great. If the ionization-rate is constant for all ectoplasmic entities, we can really bust some heads... in a spiritual sense, of course.
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Movie/TV title:Spies Like Us
Character name:Austin Millbarge
Quote(s):Austin Millbarge: They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're on our side! WE'RE AMERICANS!
Austin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.
Austin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.
Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!
Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz?
Austin Millbarge: [Nods triumphantly]
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Imhaus exits]
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Marston exits]
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!
[Boyer exits]
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Hadley exits]
Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors!
Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!
[Fitz-Hume smashes terminal]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It's broken.
Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.
[Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal]
Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.
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Movie/TV title:Dragnet
Character name:Sgt. Joe Friday
Quote(s):Sylvia Wiss: [pulls her top off] Do these look like the breasts of a forty year old woman?
Friday: No ma'am. They're quite impressive... bordering on spectacular.
Joe Friday: I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605. 10. 20. 22. 24. 26. 50. 70. 80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them.
Joe Friday: Hold it right there, Whirley. Police officer, you're under arrest.
Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I beg your pardon, what is this? Some kind of a feeble joke?
Joe Friday: Oh, it's a real knee-slapper, friend, if you consider California Penal Code section 4A, 4207A, 597 and 217 Theft, Kidnapping, Cruelty to Animals and Attempted Murder something to laugh about.
Reverend Jonathan Whirley: I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
Joe Friday: My partner and I witnessed that little torchlight picnic you threw last night, we're gonna put you where your kind always ends up - in a seven by seven foot grey-green metal cage in the fifteenth floor of some hundred-year-old penitentiary, with damp, stinking walls and a wooden plank for a bed. Sure, this city isn't perfect, we need a smut-free life for all of our citizens; cleaner streets, better schools, and good hockey team. But the big difference between you and me, mister, is you made the promise, and I'm going to keep it.
[everyone applauds]
Joe Friday: After losing the two previous vehicles we had been issued, the only car the department was willing to release to us at this point was an unmarked 1987 Yugo, a Yugoslavian import donated to the department as a test vehicle by the government of that country and reflecting the cutting edge of Serbo-Croatian technology.
Pep Streebeck: [both looking at Connie Swail in Enid Borden's wedding dress] 2 to 1, that's Enid Borden's wedding dress.
Joe Friday: 20 to 1 Enid Borden didn't look that good on her wedding day.
Friday: But that's all Greek to you, isn't it, Mr. Gingivitis?
Friday: [to Pep] They ought to transfer you to Missing Persons, Streebeck. You know everybody.
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Movie/TV title:The Couch Trip
Character name: John W. Burns, Jr.
Quote(s):
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Movie/TV title:The Great Outdoors
Character name:Roman Craig
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Movie/TV title: Caddyshack II
Character name: Capt. Tom Everett
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Movie/TV title:My Stepmother Is an Alien
Character name:Steven Mills
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Movie/TV title:Ghostbusters II
Character name:Dr. Raymond Stantz
Quote(s):
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Movie/TV title:Driving Miss Daisy
Character name:Boolie Werthan
Quote(s):Daisy Werthan: You should have let me keep my old LaSalle. It never would've behaved this way and you know it.
Boolie Werthan: Mama, cars don't behave. They are behaved upon. Fact is, you demolished that Chrysler all by yourself.
Daisy Werthan: Say what you want, I know the truth.
Boolie Werthan: The truth is, you just cost the insurance company $2,700. You're a terrible risk. Nobody's gonna want to issue you a policy after this.
Daisy Werthan: You're just saying that to be hateful!
Boolie Werthan: OK. I am. I'm makin' it all up. Look out there in the driveway! Every insurance company in America is out there, waving their fountain pen, trying to get you to sign up!
Boolie Werthan: How're you, Idella?
Idella: Livin'.
Boolie Werthan: Where's that vacuum cleaner I brought over here?
Idella: In the closet.
Boolie Werthan: [turning to Hoke] She won't touch it.
Idella: I would if it didn't give me a shock every time I come near it!
Boolie Werthan: It works for me!
Idella: Fine... you clean and I'll go down and run your office!
Boolie Werthan: You're a doodle, Mama.
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Movie/TV title:Loose Cannons
Character name:Ellis Fielding
Quote(s):
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Movie/TV title:Nothing But Trouble
Character name:Judge Alvin 'J.P' Valkenheiser/Bobo
Quote(s):
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Movie/TV title:My Girl
Character name:Harry Sultenfuss
Quote(s):Vada: I was born jaundiced. Once I sat on a toilet seat at a truck stop and caught hemorrhoids. And I've learned to live with this chicken bone that's been lodged in my throat for the past three years. So I knew Dad would be devastated when he learned of my latest affliction.
[to father]
Vada: Dad, I don't want to upset you, but my left breast is developing at a significantly faster rate than my right. It can only mean one thing: cancer. I'm dying.
Harry: Okay, sweetie. Hand me the mayonnaise out of the fridge.
Shelly: She won't come out. It's been a whole day. You have to do something, Harry.
Harry: The funeral's starting.
Shelly: Open your eyes, she's eleven years old! Her only friend in the world is dead.
Harry: I know that, but what do you want from me?
Shelly: Stop hiding, Harry! You run, Harry. When I first came here, the idea of working with dead people didn't exactly thrill me. When I saw a family that lived here, I thought, if I'm living without a family, at least I can work with one and maybe, once in a while, be invited in for supper.
Harry: Yeah... and when those suppers are disrupted because there's a car crash, or there's a fire, or a little boy steps on a beehive...
Shelly: I'm not asking you to stop caring for those people. But life isn't just death, Harry. Don't ignore the living, especially your daughter.
Vada: Daddy, how come this coffin's so small?
Harry: They come in all sizes, honey, like shoes.
Vada: Is it for a child?
Harry: Of course not!
Vada: Then for who is it?
Harry: Short people. Very short people |
Movie/TV title: Sneakers
Character name:Mother
Quote(s):
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Movie/TV title:Chaplin
Character name:Mack Sennett
Quote(s):[Chaplin tells Sennett he intends to leave Sennett's employ and open his own studio]
Mack Sennett: Charlie, I've been so rotten to you. I don't know if you can forgive me. I forced you to leave Butte, Montana. I made you accept a hundred and fifty per. You mentioned directing and I stuffed that down your throat too. Now tell me how else Uncle Mack can make it up to you!
Charlie Chaplin: I want to run my own show, Mack.
Mack Sennett: Don't kid yourself, Chaplin. You're not that big.
[spits on the floor, missing the spitoon]
Charlie Chaplin: That's the first time I've ever seen you miss, Mack.
[Sennett is explaining the film industry to Chaplin as Rollie edits a film]
Mack Sennett: Now I know this is all new to ya, but remember something, we're all new. This is not an ancient industry. This whole place here is built around speed. Start the story, start the chase. I get bored easy.
Rollie Totheroh: How much you reckon Mack? Couple yards of Mabel?
Mack Sennett: Hmm, yeah. Nah, make it three. But don't go thinking we sacrifice quality. I never make more than two motion pictures a week, but I'll spend up to a thousand dollars on each of 'em if I have to.
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Movie/TV title:50 First Dates
Character name:Dr. Keats
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