David McCallum as Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard
NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service
Quotes from Season 1 - 7
2003-2009
Main Cast
Mark Harmon as Special Agent Jethro Gibbs (2003-2009)
Michael Weatherly as Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo (2003-2009)
Pauley Perrette as Abby Sciuto (2003-2009)
David McCallum as Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard (2003-2009)
Sean Murray as Special Agent Timothy McGee (2003-2009)
Cote de Pablo as Officer Ziva David (2005-2009)
Season 1
Episode 1.0 Navy NCIS: The Beginning
Gibbs: Kid puts an arrow in a corpse. That's a new one.
DiNozzo: Just a variation. (laughs) I remember we found this old guy, died watching TV. We found him sitting in his Lazy Boy, stiff as a board, with a Bud in his hand.
Blackadder: Oh, please. Not another Baltimore Homicide story.
DiNozzo: Looks like a natural death, but we have to wait for the ME to confirm it, right? So it's dinnertime, my partner and I are starving so we tell the rookie to keep an eye on the stiff. Rookie's never been alone with a body. Suddenly, the body goes out of rigor, slumps, and the air trapped in the lungs is forced through the voice box and the corpse moans.
Blackadder: Stop it.
DiNozzo: Rookie freaks, empties his service revolver into the body.
Gibbs: You know what I think, DiNozzo?
DiNozzo: Don't say it's an urban myth, man, 'cause I was there.
Gibbs: I think...you were the rookie.
DiNozzo: (blank face) That's funny Gibbs. Funny. Wrong...but funny.
Harm Rabb: How long you been doing this, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Nineteen years.
Rabb: Can you tell someone's lying by just looking at their eyes?
Gibbs: I can.
Rabb: Yeah, well, look at mine. Ask me. Ask me!
Gibbs: Would you kill for your brother?
Episode 1.1 "Yankee White"
Gibbs: Rule number three; Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?
Abby:There's a futon, under the cabinet over there
Tony: Oh, bless you!
Abby:What are you, my priest?
Tony:Curse you?
Abby: Ahhha
Kate: You know, when you're on the job 24/7, how else do you get to know someone?
Gibbs:Church.
Tony: That’s funny Gibbs, real funny. Especially since…ah Gib- ah!
Gibbs: (Hangs up his phone) I guess they found him.
Kate: I earned my jock strap.
Gibbs: Ever give you that empty feeling?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: Your jock strap.
Kate: No, like some species of frogs, I grow what I need.
Dennis: NCIS. Never heard of it.
Gibbs: That’s embarrassing.
Dennis: NCIS anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you’re dyslexic.
Coroner: Hello Ducky. How’d you like those steaks I air-expressed you?
Ducky: Delicious.
Fornell: He air-expressed him steaks?
Kate: It’s a big state. Look how long it took him to get here.
Gibbs: Hey! Cockpit’s on the top deck.
Tony: I knew that.
Gibbs: Did you enjoy playing my boss?
Ducky: I did, rather.
Ducky: Good God, Gibbs. I’ve barely met the deceased.
Tony: Gibbs? Pilot won’t take off until the secret service chick gives her thumbs up.
Kate: I think that just made it my team.
Gibbs: No. I think it means I just have to hijack Air Force One.
Kate: Your team. But only because I don’t wanna delay us further by having to shoot you.
Fornell: Why is your medical examiner taking the body to Washington?
Coroner: Never said he was MY medical examiner.
Kate: I can't give him Air Force One's floor plans, they're top secret!
Gibbs: Come on, Agent Todd. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.
Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.
Director Morrow: Did you have to, literally, slam the door on the FBI’s face?
Gibbs: There were more of them than us.
Director: There’s always more of them than us.
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony. But isn’t 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
Tony: Yeah maybe it was.
Gibbs: Rule number one: Never let suspects stay together.
Gibbs: Rule number two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
Gibbs: Rule number three: Never believe what your told always double check.
Tony (slightly hopeful): You think she’s got whatever killed the Commander?
Kate: Did you use that thermometer on cadavers?
Ducky: Would you rather I use the liver probe?
Ducky: Well, if you don’t work with him, then how… Ah!
Kate: Did you think I was a virgin?
Ducky: I’d hoped not.
Gibbs: Want me to take that call for you?
Kate: I'd have to be dead.
Gibbs: (laughs)
Gibbs: If you two are through taking pictures of each other maybe we can move this body aft.
Gibbs: Never say you’re sorry.
Gibbs: Ducky? Why would Abby go to a fat party?
Abby: This guy was on organic freak. I mean, he probably whizzed green.
Abby: Do you dudes in the Secret Service ever think about throwing yourselves in front of the President’s diet?
Fornell: How’s your butt?
Tony: (with a smile) Still bouncing on the beltway.
Gibbs: Please?
Abby: Wow! Gibbs said “Please".
Ducky: Nature always proves to be a far more illusive and powerful killer than men.
Kate [addressing Gibbs]: You’re still a bastard.
Gibbs: I heard you quit, Agent Todd.
Kate: Happy news gets around fast. Yes, I resigned. It was the right thing to do.
Gibbs: Yep. Pull that crap at NCIS, I won’t give you a chance to resign.
Kate: Is that a job offer?
(Tony is in an FBI van in a body bag, pretending to be a dead body)
Tony: Hello?
Gibbs: We're in the clear.You can get out of the body bag.
Tony: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not sure I want to.
GIbbs: What? You gotta search Commander Trapp's apartment tonight.
Tony: Aw, Gibbs, come'on.It's one am.
Gibbs: Agent Axelrod is tailing you to pick up the bag when the FBI tosses it.
Tony: That's funny, Gibbs, real funny.....Gah!
Gibbs: I guess they found him.
Secuirty Guard: Okay, you can go through the metal detectors, but your bags gotta go through the scanner.
Gibbs: Wait a minute, you're letting us take weapons on board, and you wanna scan our bags?
Secuirty Gaurd: Well, you've got permits for the weapons.You don't for the bags.
Gibbs: We're LEO's.
Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.
Baer: I'm going to be doing paper work for a week.
Gibbs: Oh yeah, me too.
Baer: Agent Todd told me about her and Major Kerry when she tendered her resignation.
Gibbs: You accepting?
Baer: Of course, she broke the rules. (shakes Gibbs hand) Thank you Special Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: No, sir. Thank you.
Kate: I may not know the finer points of investigating, like sticking needles in liver and measuring swimsuit models, but I do know enough to hold the stewards who prepared and served the President's lunch.
Gibbs: Hum. Okay.
Kate: You want to question them?
Gibbs: No, they're not going anywhere, and we've got a crime scene to investigate. Rule Number One. Never let suspects stay together.
Kate: Well, I didn't consider them suspects.
Gibbs: Then why'd you hold them?
Tony: Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's five foot four and a thirty-four C, or five foot seven and a thirty-six D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thank you.
Episode 1.2 "Hung Out to Dry"
Tony: Do you jump?
Gibbs: Only when I get an electric shock.
Tony: That explains the lack of power tools.
Gibbs: (referring to the boots) Put 'em on. Can't work a field in high heels.
Tony: Depends on the kind of work you're doing.
Kate: Your mind, DiNozzo, runs the gamut from X to XXX.
Tony: Yeah?
Tony: Hey, you could be the NCIS poster girl in that outfit [Kate's tweed suit and combat boots].
Tony: Jumping's gotta be so cool.
Gibbs: Hey, you wanna play paratrooper? Pay $180, take a class like all those other weekend warriors.
Tony: Yeah, I have so many weekends free!
Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of those chutes?
Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby: Oh, definitely.
Gibbs: Okay, (nudges Kate) you got the job.
Kate: I get to do forensics?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.
Kate: How'd you get into this?
Abby: Filled out an application.
Gibbs: So you gonna do it?
Tony: What?
Gibbs: Spend $180 to defy gravity?
Tony: (grinning) Yeah, I think I am.
Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.
Tony: Not me.
Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category of want to get kicked in the ass on the ground.
Tony: Very electric Kool-Aid, Abby.
Abby: I was thinking more Blue Man Group.
Tony: Wow, why didn't you take to me this fast?
Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony. It takes a while for the throbbing to stop and the skin to grow back.
Tony: That's more than I wanted to know.
Gibbs: Only thing you can use the DNA registry for is to identify a body.
Kate: Well, there has to be a way around that.
Gibbs: See? Now you're thinking like an NCIS agent.
Gibbs: You never work the system when you can work the people.
Kate: Any of those horse traders you come from get hung?
Gibbs: Yeah. Few.
Gibbs: (looking at his cell phone) Identity withheld.
Tony: Probably the reason you married her. I mean, she probably hid her real personality, as most women do, and by that time it was too late 'cause you'd already... I'm gonna shut up now.
Gibbs: Now?
Kate: How did you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, where'd you learn how to write? China?
Kate: I'd say Egypt. Looks more like hieroglyphics.
Tony: Hey! You were in a rush to read it.
Gibbs: My mistake.
Kate: If the Captain were a suspect, we would've read him his rights, wouldn't we?
Gibbs: Very good, Agent Todd. Very good.
Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not! Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.
Marine: Why you jumping with us, Sir?
Tony: Always wanted to jump. Agent Gibbs came along to laugh.
Tony: What's your reserve chute number?
Marine: Four.
Tony: Four? No, four's unlucky in China.
Gibbs: We're not in China.
Tony:I don't care
Tony: Are we ever gonna make the eleven o'clock news?
Gibbs: Could've happened tonight if you broke your neck.
Witness: We were hanging out, listening to Dashboar Confessional.
Tony: Emo.
Gibbs: Emo?
Tony: Emotional music. Gotta get a radio, Gibbs.
Tony: Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone in a jar of paint thinner?
Ducky: Oh, dear.
Tony: What?
Ducky: Oh, I should have realized the time of year. It's his anniversary.
Tony: Which marriage?
Ducky: Well, the last one, of course.
Tony: Ducky. I'm not following.
Ducky: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him repeatedly.
Tony: Why doesn't he, ah, change his number?
Ducky: No idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers.
Kate: He could've given Thumper a dirty chute.
Gibbs: What'd you say?
Kate: Ramsay could've given Thumper a sabotaged chute.
Gibbs: No, you said dirty.
Kate: What?
Tony: With Gibbs, you never know.
Abby: When I was a kid, we lived near this lot where they brought all the burned-out hulks from the gnarliest car wrecks. I used to sneak in there at night and take pictures. It wasn't about the gore, it was about...figuring out how things happened. Y'know, like action, reaction, the science of the whole thing. I got hooked.
Captain Faul: You JAG or NCIS?
Gibbs: Do I look like a lawyer?
Episode 1.3 "Seadog"
Kate: You mean they actually train you guys how to harass? (Off Gibbs' look) Hey, I'm kidding. Except for Tony.
Tony: For the last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seat belt on.
Kate: Right. Seat belt.
Gerald: You shoved a French cop over a cliff?
Ducky: There was a lake below.
Gibbs: Sixty feet below!
Tony: Well, it gives you a warm feeling doesn't it?
Gerald: What?
Tony: Knowing Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.
Tony: I knew a granny in Baltimore, hid a kilo of H [heroin] in her horse's rectum.
Kate: No horse on the boat, Tony.
Kate: I did work for the Secret Service. We tend to get all hot and bothered over large sums of $100 bills.
Tony: Is that what does it for you?
Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery that you will never solve.
Gibbs: Why do I feel like a high school principal?
Gibbs: Did you get that reporters number or was that just talk?
Tony: (slightly offended) Gibbs?
Gibbs: See if she's available for lunch.
Tony: Can I expense it?
Gibbs: No, but I will.
Tony: (about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists) You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?
Fornell: Agent Todd. I see you've joined the cowboys.
Abby: You're holding out on us. That is not nice.
Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister, Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.
Gibbs: Fornell's got target fixation.
Kate: Come again?
Tony: It's when a fighter pilot gets so fixed on his target that he flies right into it.
Kate: Ah. Like you and women?
Tony: Then I got the tapes of the nearest Mobil station.
Kate: Wow. That was very smart Tony!
Tony: Any guy could have done it.
Kate: Guy? Learn to shut up when your ahead!
Gibbs: What's that?
Fuller: Asset forfeiture notice.
Gibbs: Don't you have to find drugs first?
Fuller: I used to worry about rules like that, then I met you guys!
Gibbs: How many numbers did he dial?
Kate: Six.
Tony: One more and bada-bing-bada-boom.
Gibbs: Lucky he wasn't phony savy.
Kate: Savy enough to wire three phones to the same number.
Gibbs: Yeah. What if he used speed dial?
Tony: [Quoting a memo] All agents, not working active cases, are to attend a sexual harassment lecture at the NCIS Human Resource Center at 0930 hours, today.
Gibbs: I can not sit through another one of those, I will shoot myself.
Kate: You mean they actually train you guys how to harass? (Gets a dirty look from Gibbs) Hey, I'm kidding, except for Tony.
Tony: The last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seat belt on.
Kate: Right! Seat Belt.
Fuller: (pats dog) Can Tony sniff for drugs now?
Tony: Tony?
Fuller: Some coincidence, huh?
Tony: Bet he’s a real stud.
Fuller: He’s neutered.
(Tony tries to say something in sign language to Gibbs)
Gibbs: You should wash your hands with soap for saying that.
Fuller: Your bluff worked. Trujillo wants to talk. He really believed you'd ship him off to Gitmo.
Gibbs: The secret of a good bluff, Agent Fuller, is not to bluff.
Kate: He could be a power company doing his job (Guy opens fire at them).
Gibbs: No, I don't think so!
Dobbs: Do you think he was shot or drowned?
Tony: Well, either way he's dead.
Episode 1.4 "The Immortals"
Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.
Tony: You're not going to say 'and into a dry martini,' are you?
Tony: The best IT guy in our office is 22, Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his 14 yr old nephew.
Tony: Abby, have fun with your MMROPG.
(Tony looks at him)
Gibbs: What?
Tony: MMOR..PG.
Gibbs: Thank you.
Tony: You're welcome
Gibbs: Can I talk to Ducky, now?
Tony: You might want to warn us about what you're working on after lunch, Ducky.
Ducky: Yes. I suppose gazing directly into an exposed digestive system doesn't aid the actual process.
Tony: Not after the meal we just had.
Abby: Oh, and here's the big whoop.
Gibbs: Fine. Whoop me.
Tony: (to Gibbs) When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. (Gets a look from Gibbs)... Neither does Tony.
Abby: This guy had diarrhea of the keyboard.
Kate: He expressly told me to wait for his call.
Gibbs: I expressly don't give a ****. Ride his a**.
Ducky: You know, Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby: Me, too.
Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?
Gibbs/Kate: (sighing) Sure. Fine. (Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers)
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat?
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: (tosses it at Gibbs) You first.
Gibbs: (looks over the bikini bottom) Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: (as Gibbs is opening his gift) It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?
Gibbs: Tony, what time did the schmuck's report say the dispersing office was robbed?
Kate: What schmuck?
Gibbs: Well, our schmuck, unfortunately.
Abby: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don't know about?
Abby: A girl likes to be thought of first.
Episode 1.5 "The Curse"
Gibbs: Tony you gas the truck
Tony: Uh Gibbs you know most agencies have people who do that sort of thing.
Gibbs: Uh huh...so do we.
Tony: I didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday Kate. As a matter of fact tomorrow...
Gibbs: ...is going to be two years.
Tony: That's kind of touching Gibbs. Remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gibbs: That tank came off a Tomcat. Somebody filed a TFOA report.
Kate: TFOA?
Tony: Things Falling Off Aircraft.
Kate: You’re kidding.
Gibbs: Nope, that’s what they’re called.
Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!
Kate: (regarding the mummy) He's not wearing shoes.
Tony: I kick mine off when I fly.
Gibbs: How could she not know?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.
Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in'?
Kate: Good news, Commander. It took ten years, but we located your luggage.
Gibbs: “You’re still workin for us; I wanna talk to the on-board NCIS Special Agent in 94.”
Tony: “What if he’s not with us?”
Gibbs: “I wanna talk to the-”
Both: “On board NCIS Special Agent in 94."
Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIB's, one B. Stands for Guy In Back.
Kate: Why do you need two B's?
Gibbs: Second one's for 'bastard'.
Kate: Gotta be decaf.
Gibbs: What?
Kate: All that coffee you drink.
Gibbs: Hi-test.
Kate: Don't you twitch?
Tony: Was it something I said?
Gibbs: Not yet.
Tony: Well it looks like were gonna have to go to Hawaii, Boss.
Gibbs: Now its what you said.
Abby: (in sign language) Tony's weird.
Gibbs: Oh, you're just figuring that out now?
Tony: “I didn’t think you would. He’s considerably younger than you are.”
Gibbs: “What would you consider considerably?”
Tony: “Well the guy was young, Gibbs. Only 28. Makes him 37 now.”
Gibbs: “Then ‘considerably’ would not be an accurate description.”
Tony: “I didn’t realize Boss. How old are you?”
Gibbs: “Doesn’t matter how old I am.”
Tony: “Well it does actually because it gives me a reference point for the word you’re-”
Gibbs: Of course you believe him; it's a chick flick.
Golfer Ben: This is a private club. How did you get in here?
Kate: (exhibits badge and gun) I showed these at the gate.
Abby: Please don't call me Abigail!
Ducky: Well, then, don't yell 'Fore' when I have a niblick in my hand.
Abby: A niblick? Sounds like a sex act.
Gibbs: Do not 'sir' me. I work for a living.
Abby: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me, eh?
Gibbs: Some kinda priority here I don't know about?
Abby: A girl likes to be thought of first.
Tony: You got computers at Pearl?
Owens: Yeah, but ours is on the beach so we can surf on breaks.
Owens: That fingerprint match was faked? Okay, you guys are crazy.
Gibbs: Yeah.
Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?
Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. (Points to a body in the morgue) How did he die?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.
Tony: I'd say the fastest way would be to take the Beltway to highway 235 south, take that to route 50, and then...punch it into the nav system when we get lost.
Kate: I interviewed LT Schills's widow. They had a child, Alicia, nine years old and she's as pretty as her mom.
Tony: I knew I should've taken that interview.
Kate: She's remarried, Tony.
Tony: Yeah?
Kate: He does this just to screw with me - don't you?
Episode 1.6 "High Seas"
Tony: Five years with Gibbs? Amazed the guy didn't end up in a straitjacket.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Uh, nothing, Boss, just praising your communication skills.
Gibbs: Consciousness will make the interview go much smoother.
Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there's such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that, too.
Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.
Gibbs: That the best you can do, Stan? After working under me five years?
Burley: At least I don't taint evidence when I bag and tag.
Gibbs: I tripped! One time!
Burley: As I remember, it's because you had your eyes glued to some little...
Gibbs: Do you mind if we get back to the tape now?
Kate: And if someone wanted to beat it?
Lieutenant: Ma'am?
Kate: The system.
Lieutenant: Oh.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I, but the intent was sincere.
Burley: Gosh, y'know, it's funny how it's all starting to come back to me now.
Gibbs: What's that?
Burley: Tightness in my chest, the upset stomach, all the pleasantries that come with working for you.
Tony: Is this going to turn into one of those guy-girl things where you insist we stop and ask for directions?
Abby: Smart money says that that is not a Tic-Tac.
Gibbs: That pouch may be clear, but my gut is still in living color.
Tony: I say it's time we turn out the lights and play in the dark.
Burley: I have to say, it was like deja vu working with you again, Boss.
Gibbs: Good deja vu or bad?
Burley: Good.
Both: And bad.
Gibbs: You got a little glob on your shirt, Stan.
Stan Burley: I was with the agency for two years before he (referring to Gibbs) looked me in the eyes...
Tony: Really?
Stan: ...three years before he called me by name, and four years before he got it right... by then I'd actually gotten used to Steve.He must really like you.
Tony: Just accept the fact that you're going to get lost.
Kate: Why do you assume I'm going to?
Tony: Because everyone does. Carrier is a big and confusing place first time on board.
Kate: Duly noted.
Gibbs: Numbers are stencilled on the bulkheads. First one tells you the deck level - they're called bull's-eyes.
Kate: Deck level.
Gibbs: Second one, the frame number. Third tells you the compartment's position in relation to the ship's centre line. The last letter tells you what the space is used for.
Tony: Crossing from port to starboard or starboard to port isn't as simple as going straight across.
Gibbs: Sometimes you gotta go up one deck and down another.
Tony: Or down one deck and up another.
Gibbs: Sometimes two.
Tony: It's frustrating.
Gibbs: Not to mention confusing. But you'll get the hang of it...
Tony: ...After you get lost a few times.
Burley: Gibbs, it's Stan Burley. Put down whatever the h*** you're doing with that stupid boat and pick up!
Kate: It's not the same thing, you know.
Tony: What?
Kate: Well, you and Gibbs, Burley and Gibbs.
Tony: I don't know what you're talking about.
Kate: It was a different dynamic, y'know? A different time. You can't compare the relationships.
Tony: Who's comparing?
Kate: All I'm saying is that...things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.
Episode 1.7 "Sub Rosa"
Gibbs: "Cob, I don’t have to tell you what the most important thing is now, do I ?"
Cob: "Get the ice cream back in the freezer"
Gibbs: Yup
Gibbs: Go. Unhydrate.
Kate: Never heard it called that.
Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.
Gibbs: (To Tony in re: McGee) Better get Michael Jackson out of here before he ralphs.
McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Tony: Only half of them are true. Trick is figuring out which half.
Gibbs: Whale huggers?
Guard: Yes, sir. Been bugging us for weeks.
Gibbs: Why don't you just shoot 'em?
Guard: I've been tempted.
Tony: (sarcastically) Bet you were a lot of fun in college.
Kate: I was a lot of fun in college.
Kate: I don't see a submarine.
(Sub breaks the surface of the water)
Gibbs: You see it now?
Abby: There's good news and bad news.
Ducky: I hate it when you play this game, Abby. All right, let's get it over with.
Abby: His last meal was a Big Mac and fries.
Ducky: Well, probably half the base had that for lunch. I was hoping you'd come up with something more exotic. Tandoori, perhaps. And the good news?
Abby: I know what's in the special sauce.
Tony: (regarding Abby) Not your type.
McGee: How do you know?
Tony: Have you ever had the slightest urge to tattoo your buttocks, McGee?
McGee: I don't think so.
Tony: Then we need never speak of her again.
Kate: Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?
Gibbs: I like to think it's me.
(After an emergency blow has sent the sub rocketing to the surface)
Kate: Wow!
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what they all tell me.
Abby: So, what's Agent McGee like?
Tony: Like most newbies: quiet, green, gullible.
Abby: Bi.
Kate: (talking about McGee) I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless.
Gibbs: He told him he got a tatt on his a**.
Ducky: I have good news and bad news.
Abby: I hate payback.
Tony: Nice hat. Did they make you the boat mascot?
Kate: That's your way of saying you missed me, isn't it?
Tony: No.
Gibbs: Drink.
Kate: What's with all the water?
Gibbs: Oh, you gotta hydrate on a sub marine.
Kate: All you've had me doing is hydrating.
Gibbs: Drink it. (she takes a drink) So how's your bladder?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: The COB's at the end of the passageway are trying to keep an eye on us.You gotta distract 'em. (Kate looks at him) You're gonna need help working the toliet.
Kate: Gibbs....
Gibbs: Trust me, Kate, on a Sub Marine it's a very complicated mechanism.
Kate: Is that why you've been shoving water down my throat for the past hour?
Gibbs: I wan to check out Petty Officer Thompson.
Kate: Well, you don't have to drown me.You could just ask.
Gibbs: Hydrating good for ya'.Go, unhydrate.
Kate: Never heard it called that before.
Gibbs: Go on.
McGee: You'll wanna avoid Captain Veech...
Gibbs: What?
McGee: Um. Well. I met him once. Before. He can be very...difficult.
Gibbs: And you don't think that I can be difficult?
McGee: Ah. I'm sure you can, sir.
Episode 1.8 "Minimum Security"
Gibbs: See if you can brand the cologne.
Abby: Why, you want some?
Gibbs: Nope, don't use cologne. Women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. Probably why I don't date (pause) many women.
Gibbs: You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.
Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Tony: Come on, Boss, you telling me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?
Gibbs: Yeah, makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.
On Gulf Stream Jet
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.
Tony: Any preference on the remaining bedrooms?
Kate: No. They're both equally crappy.
Tony: Can I drink?
Gibbs: Sure. Sarsaparilla.
Tony: Who drinks sarsaparilla?
Gibbs: Shane.
Tony: Miss me?
Paula: Like herpes.
Gibbs: Why is Special Agent DiNozzo sorry?
Paula: He blew his chance to get laid.
Gibbs: Why is it that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.
Tony: Why does the woman thing come up when a ship is sinking or there's only one bedroom with a bath?
Tony: You were the first woman I saw in my endorphin high.
Kate: We work together, Tony. It's like a brother-sister thing.
Tony: Never had a sister.
Kate: It's probably a good thing.
Tony: Just passed Sa'id's room, sis.
Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
Gibbs: Buy what you need to, Abby, we'll deal with it later.
Abby: Bold, Gibbs. Bold.
Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, how much did all this power cost us?
Abby: Around fifteen hundred.
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred dollars?
Abby: Well, not including the tax. I stuck to the thirty most popular scents hoping we'd get lucky.
Gibbs: Ah, how fiscally responsible, Ab.
Ducky: I don't see Chanel Number Five.
Abby: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Ducky: My mother does.
Abby: Really.
Ducky: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby: So... does your mother...
Ducky: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.
Gamal: Well, the psychiatrist examined him and is worried for his mental health.
Gibbs: I'm not all that interested in the mental health of people who want to kill me.
Episode 1.9 "Marine Down"
Kate: Gibbs, Don't we have to wait for Ducky?
Gibbs: Kate, it's a dead body, it ain't going anywhere.
Tony: Lets just hope we don't find a mummy in there.
Kate: Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Tony: Name once?
Kate: Tony, the man has been married like four times.
Tony: There is that.
Gibbs: There's what, DiNozzo?
Tony: I am a man of action, Kate.
Kate: More like an action figure.
Tony: Why you want to play with me?
Kate: As in, you look good, but you can't really do very much.
Tony: This is so not right. I mean, it’s not like we couldn't have done this in daylight.
Kate: You afraid of ghosts, Tony?
Tony, Gibbs, Kate on Military Plane:
Tony: What are you looking for Kate?
Kate: Um the ladies room? (Gibbs and Tony look at Kate.)
Kate: Okay, the men's room.
Gibbs: There is no men's room.
Kate: Well then where am I supposed to go to the bathroom?
(Gibbs takes out a white plastic bag and gives it to her. Kate looks disgusted, decides she can wait. Finally gives up and snatches the bag from Gibbs.)
Kate: ****. Where?
Gibbs: Well, if you want some privacy, you can go down behind those boxes.
Kate: God, I miss Air Force One.
Tony: And that lying sack of excrement is somehow involved.
(Kate gives him a look)
Tony: What, you'd rather I say lying sack of--(is cut off)
Kate: You shot the hostage's ear off!
Tony: He'll live!
Kate: We screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement, and we set his boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. Knew there was a reason I liked you.
Tony: Is that a new perfume, Abby?
Abby: I made it myself. You like it?
Tony: Smells like gunpowder.
Abby: Sweet, huh?
Kate: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Kate: Confidential? What'd you do, kill someone in high school?
Tony: Hah! Funny, Kate. No, they screwed up my paperwork with another agent's.
Gibbs: Apparently, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens at Area 51.
Kate: 'Cause he probably killed them.
Gibbs: Hmm. Looks like someone is deliberately blocking us.
Kate: Or a glitch; everything doesn't have to be a conspiracy against NCIS, guys.
Gibbs: Saying we're paranoid, Kate?
Kate: If the shoe fits...
Gibbs: (referencing Kate's sketch of the fake colonel) I'm impressed.
Tony: Let me see that. (flips through the caricatures) What the...?
Kate: That's personal!
Tony: Yeah, it is! You really see me like that?
Gibbs: I'm really impressed now.
Kate: What does he expect to find from their LES's?
Tony: Come on, Kate, that's like NCIS 101.
Kate: You have no idea, do you?
Tony: Not a clue.
Abby: Well, lucky for you, you got a mixmaster in the hizzouse.
Gibbs: What?
Tony: It means 'house.' You need to get out more, Gibbs.
Abby: Word.
Gibbs: Kate? It was three times. Not four.
Gerald: I'm sorry; I was listening to a football game.
Ducky: You're wearing a CD player.
Tony: He's really pissed off.
Kate: What? How can you tell?
Ducky: Do you people find me boring?
Gibbs: No.
Kate: Of course not.
Tony: Absolutely not.
(After running ground penetrating radar over the grave of any elderly woman and her dog, Fluffy)
Kate: Ewwwww.
Tony: That must have been one lonely old lady.
Gibbs: One pissed off poodle.
Gonzales: If I was rogue, you think I'd be sitting in this office sweating my ass off, Agent Todd?
Kate: I don't know. Let me see your ass.
Gonzales: Now I know why everyone in the CIA hates these guys.
Canton: I can't believe you trusted me.
Gibbs: You sound just like my ex-wife.
Mrs. Peary: Oh, God, what happened to your ear?
Maj. Peary: I'll live.
Tony: Your calling plan include the afterlife, Kate?
Gerald: My grandfather owned a funeral home. We spent a lot of quality time bonding over the embalming table.
Gibbs (referring to bad guy who has gotten away): That’s twice. Next time you are mine.
Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.
Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.
Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.
Abby: You guys.....
Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.
Abby: Thanks.
Tony: They yanked my clearance. Now I gotta take a physical to get it back.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.
Kate: Hmm. Well, I hate to break it to you, Tony, but Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Tony: Name one.
Kate: The man's been married, like, four times.
Tony: There is that.
Gibbs: There is what?
Tony: Nothing, boss, just discussing the case.
Kate: Or, ah, lack thereof. You still wanna look at those LESs?
Gibbs: I dunno. You figure out how Kidwell died yet?
Kate: I'll, um, I'll just get them in order for you.
Gibbs: Kate. It was three times. Not four.
Ducky: [performing an autopsy then Ducky jumps back in shock] Dear Lord! I believe I know how you died Major. And May the Lord have mercy on your soul!
Gibbs: I wanna know why.
Walsh: That makes two of us, Agent Gibbs. Do you think I like get Marines back in boxes?
Gibbs: Why don't we start with Major Kidwell, and Peary. How they died.
Walsh: That's need to know.
Gibbs: Trust me. I need to know!
(Tony tries unsuccessfully to pull up the records on a dead Marine)
Abby: Here's your problem.
Tony: What?
Abby: You're security clearance isn't high enough. How did he die?
Tony: That's kind of what Gibbs wants me to find out.
Abby: Then it sucks to be you.
Gibbs: If he dies, you die. You don't get past me.
Colonel: You're gonna have to figure that one out for yourself.
Gibbs: What does that sound like to you Tony?
Tony: One of the A's. CIA, NSA....
Gibbs: Morning! Sleep well?
Kate: If by well, you mean violently throwing up all night and bouncing around like rag dolls...
Tony: Then yeah, boss, we slept very well, thanks for asking.
Gibbs: Ah, you get used to it.
Kate: That's what I'm afraid of.
Episode 1.10 "Left for Dead"
Tony: Hey boss, since you're usually up all night, working on your boat, I was wondering ...
Gibbs: No, you can't stay at my place, remember last time?
Gibbs: Let's go, get to work.
Ducky: I don't have a body.
Gibbs: Well, go find one, Duck.
Tony: Did you get contact lenses?
Gibbs: No.
Tony: Laser surgery?
Gibbs: No, DiNozzo, put a sock in it.
Tony: Fall asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why do you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the Farm Report when I hear it. You only have one T.V., and it's in your basement.
Gibbs: She's bonded.
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?
Gibbs: Oh, yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet. (voice raises to feminine pitch with sarcastic lilt) Her eyes, they just pleaded for help.
Tony: I love that look on a woman.
Tony: Speaking of dates to work from, we've worked together for two years and, you know, I have no idea where you live.
Ducky: Well, I'd just as well we kept it that way, Tony.
Abby: I suppose you want me to tell you what chastity belt this opens?
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, Boss. Besides, I could open a chastity belt.
Abby: Have you ever seen one? Mine's awesome. It's eighteenth-century French.
(machine in lab beeps)
Abby: Gotta whup.
Gibbs: What kind of whup, Abby?
Tony: What's with you and Jane Doe?
Kate: She'll be occupying my spare bedroom so I don't have to say no to you.
Abby: Gotcha.
Gibbs: I love to hear that word outta your dark lips, Abby.
Tony: Wanna know what my vision is?
Gibbs: No.
Tony: 20/10. Same as Ted Williams. He could see the seam on a fastball coming at him.
Gibbs: How about knuckles?
Abby: Like when photocopiers first came out, and people were copying everything from C-notes to their butts.
Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier, didn't you, Abby?
Abby: Yep.
Tony: Gibbs, this is Detective Andy Kochifis. Cut me some slack on the Major Kerry investigation.
Gibbs: Well, maybe he'll do it again.
Kochifis: What, I do it one time, now I'm a *****?
Gibbs: Courtesan, maybe.
Ducky: Jethro, I don't answer forensic questions I don't know the answers to. Why do you keep asking me?
Gibbs: (shrugs) Force of habit.
Tony: What is it with Germans and the alphabet thing? You know, BMW, BMG, BASF, and they're all B's.
Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.
Bauer: I was there Friday.
Tony: To kill Richter?
Bauer: How could you ask such a question?
Tony: It's my job.
Gibbs: That son of a ***** is as guilty as hell.
Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, listen, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused -
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.
(The scene is Kate huddled in blanket, in shock, alone after the bombing)
Tony: We gotta do something, Boss.
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or to me?
Gibbs: You.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?
Tony: (pause) No.
Gibbs: My door's unlocked.
Tony: I know.
Detective: You're telling me the stooge from Hoover didn't save the man?
Tony: Heck no, it was N-C-I-us.
Detective: Not according to the TV reports.
Tony: When do they get it right?
Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.
Tony: Suzanne is not dead.
Executive: (stops typing)
Gibbs: Woops.
Tony: Big woops.
Abby: Hey guys. What's you'd find?
Tony: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe. But not me.
Abby: (sarcastic) Shocking.
Kate: You as sure he buried her?
Gibbs: Oh Yeah!
Kate: Why'd he want her dead?
Gibbs: I got a couple of ideas.
Kate: Wanna share? (Gibbs hangs up) I guess not.
Ducky: I don't have a body.
Gibbs: Well go find one Ducky.
Ducky: Here?
Gibbs: Sure. How many times have we had multiple victims?
Abby: Like when photocopiers first came out people were copying everything from C-notes to their butts.
Tony: You sat your naked butt on a photocopier didn't you Abby?
Abby: Yup.
Tony: She woke up taking a dirt nap in Rock Creek Park and did a Dracula.
Detective: Oh. That's a new one.
Gibbs: What'd ya got DiNozzo?
Tony: Mudos picked up a Jane Doe in Rock Creek Park. Claimed she dug herself out of a grave. No I.D. and guess what?
Gibbs: She can't remember her name.
Tony: Yeah, how'd you know that?
Gibbs: Well, uh, she's alive and you're calling her Jane Doe. What was my first clue?
Tony: Oh yeah, you're right.
Gibbs: Well it's also obvious seeing that she has no ID so she was probably wearing her uniform.
Tony: Ahaha! She wasn't. So why did the cops call NCIS? Tell me that. (Gibbs stays silent). She told 'em there was a bomb on the Navy ship.
Episode 1.11 "Eye Spy"
Tony: I've weighed exactly the same since the day I graduated from college; never up, never down.
Kate: Certainly you would know. Do you weigh yourself a lot?
Tony: I never weigh myself.
Kate: I see.
Seaman Apprentice Sparks: Just can't stop messing with the uniforms, can they, sir?
Seaman Apprentice Sparks: I'd write a letter, sir.
Tony: Come on, come on, McGee, you said you could do this.
McGee: But I didn't say it was gonna be easy.
Tony: Actually, that's exactly what you said, only on the phone, you ended it with a 'sir.'
Tony: So whatever happened between you and Abby?
McGee: Our paths still cross on occasion.
Tony: Really. Guess the tatt on the old caboose did the trick.
McGee: Among other things.
Kate: We should have had DiNozzo handle this interview. (off Gibbs' look) Just kidding.
Ducky: Well, he certainly was dead on the beach.
Tony: Don't even, okay?
Kate: Did I say anything?
Tony: You were. I know you were.
Tony: You got me thinking, Kate; maybe I should improve my diet.
Kate: When you gonna start?
Tony: What do you call this? (gestures with nutrition bar)
Kate: Bad things masquerading as something good for you.
Kate: Let's see, what do we got here. High fructose corn syrup - basically, sugar. High maltose corn syrup - another sugar. Sugar! Sugar. Fractionated palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety-eight percent artificial flavor.
Tony: So what are you saying?
Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy. And yes. We IM almost every day.
Gibbs: You do?
Abby: Oh, yeah.
Gibbs: That's good, right?
Abby: It's very good.
Kate: Too bad we don't have a photo.
Gibbs: Don't need one; he'll fit the profile.
Kate: A bit geeky, right?
Gibbs: (silly voice) Well, yeah, Kate, something like that.
Kate: Have you ever seen Robert Redford in Three Days of the Condor?
Gibbs: Yes.
Kate: That's a geek I could get covert with.
Gibbs: Kate, I would not get my hopes up.
Gibbs: I'm Special Agent Gibbs. The same agency you haven't heard of before. Only I don't take it personally any more.
Kate: With the exception of finding a decent barber, Gibbs can do pretty much anything he says he can.
Worth: I stumbled across her by accident. She was polar tanning.
Kate: (off Gibbs' look) Nude winter sunbathing.
Gibbs: Must get cold.
Worth: She was, sir.
Kate: And you think that's an appropriate use for a billion-dollar satellite, Jeremy?
Abby: Hey, Gibbs. Do you wanna feel Tony's forearm?
Gibbs: I'll pass.
Kate: Want me to handle it? At least I won't drool.
Gibbs: No. No, DiNozzo took a wave for the team.
Tony: Thanks, Boss.
Gym Manager: Gym's for base personnel only
Tony: Well, I wasn't really planning on working out.
Gym Manager: Obviously.
Gibbs: I try so hard not to be wrong, don't I, Kate?
Kate: You're very conscientious in that regard, Gibbs.
Gibbs: I try so hard not to insinuate, don't I, Kate?
Kate: You rarely insinuate, Gibbs.
Gina: Just really hate tan lines. Don't you?
Gibbs: Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about it.
Kate: ****! And they were good suspects.
Tony: Her husband was diving on someone else's reef...dipping the fin in the company pool...pinging the wrong pong...
Kate: Wait, wait, wait, you could see that the clubs were left-handed from just a passing glance?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left-handed.
Kate: So?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull open with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.
Kate: Just because she golfs left-handed doesn't mean she is left-handed. I golf left-handed, but I bat and I throw right-handed.
Tony: So you go both ways.
Tony: Apparently, Ms. I-Don't-Like-Tan-Lines has found something she does like. Me.
Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.
Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Gibbs: (laughing) Really? Female hard body who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?
Gibbs: Well, she better be getting the message soon, or you're gonna be getting one on a pink slip.
Kate: You know, I bet this is why Number Two came after you with a nine iron, wasn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually, that wasn't it at all.
Kate: Oh. So, what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.
Kate: (To Tony after he's "taken a wave for the team) Are you okay?
(No reply from Tony - he just stands there with a stunned expression)
Kate: What is it?
Gibbs: (Visibly amused) Shrinkage
Gibbs: We have the same uncle to write the paychecks. We do what we have to do to get the job done.
Jeremy Worth: I got a little off track
Gibbs: That happens with hot babes sometimes.
Gibbs: DiNozzo has found our polar bear.
Abby: I think Houston has a problem.
(about a dead body)
Gerald: It moved.
Ducky: I don't think so.
Gerald: It moved, doc.
Ducky: Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swabs. (sees movement in body bag) He certainly was dead on the beach.
Kate: We know the killer was left handed, which eliminates Commander Tyler whose service file confirms she's a rightie.
Tony: We also know the killer's a woman unless Obermaier went Norman Bates on the guy. Actually, when you think about it the MO's match. (Makes stabbing motion at Kate's back)
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Kate: (turns) What'd you do?
Kate: Your phone has been ringing off the hook. It's driving him crazy.
Tony: Well she is driving me crazy.
Kate: She?
Tony: Apparently Miss I Don't Like Tan Lines has found something she does like. Me.
Kate: And why is that a problem?
Tony: Well let's just say that's she's a lot more appealing from a distance. A geo-synchronous distance.
Kate: She didn't look so bad to me.
Tony: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Gibbs: (chuckles) Really? A female hardbody who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?
Tony: (looks a bit surprised) I guess not.
Kate: Talk to her.
Tony: She'll get the message.
Gibbs: (small smile and nod)
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.
Kate: So what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.
Tony: You got me thinking, Kate. Maybe I should improve my diet.
Kate: When are you going to start?
Tony: What do you call this? (holding up nutrition bar)
Kate: Uh, bad things masquerading as something good for you?
Tony: This is a nutrition bar. It says so on the label.
Kate: Yeah. Did you read the label? A little... You know one with the ingredients not just the big one with the pretty colors?
Tony: Sarcasm is so not healthy, Kate.
Kate: Neither is that. Let's see. We've got here, high fructose corn syrup. Basically sugar. Uh, high maltose corn syrup. Another sugar. Sugar. Sugar. Uh, fractionate palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety eight percent artificial flavor.
Tony: What're you saying?
Worth: What's NCIS?
Kate: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Worth: [turns and walks away from Kate] I've got nothing to talk to you about.
[walks up the stairs and is met by Gibbs]
Gibbs: I'm Special Agent Gibbs, the same agency you haven't heard of before, only I don't take it personally any more.
Episode 1.12 "My Other Left Foot"
Kate: Where are we going?
Gibbs: West Virginia.
Tony: Almost heaven.Take me home country roads.Old John Denver.
Kate: We're driving to West Virginia to look at a leg?
Gibbs: Belongs to a Marine.
Tony: How can you tell from a leg?
Ducky: I'll tell you what, Gibbs. You find me a liver in that leg, and I'll estimate you a time of death.
Tony: I don't get the whole tattoo thing.
Kate: I'll add that to the ever-growing list of things you don't get.
Tony: Being stuck with a needle thousands of times for a piece of artwork? No thank you.
Kate: It's more than just artwork, Tony.
Tony: On a woman, maybe.
Kate: What?
Tony: You know, on a woman. Means she's up for anything.
Kate: Abby's got tattoos.
Tony: No comment.
Abby: I like that commercial where the guy puts Super Glue in his hardhat, then glued his head to the beam and hung there. I tried that with my little brother.
Ducky: I sense this anecdote doesn't have a storybook ending.
Abby: It does if you like your stories to end with bald seven-year-olds. He still gets mad when I call him Kojak.
Gibbs: All we've got is a tattooed leg, a sock and a boot.
Abby: You're forgetting about our interesting little bit of botanical evidence.
Gibbs: Oh, that, yeah, that. Well, I want the life history, family, where it grew up.
Abby: College transcripts, I know.
Tony: I do believe the die is cast, however; if your parents and grandparents lived to be old, so will you.
Gibbs: I had an aunt who died at seven.
Tony: Just a theory.
Abby: You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right?
Ducky: What?
Abby: They're clowns.
Gibbs: I do not believe in coincidences.
Abby: What about that rock formation on the moon that looks like Jay Leno's chin?
Abby: Cremation? It's a dead end!
Tony: Abs, do you know where Kate has her tat?
Abby: Yep.
Melissa Dorn: You have all the classic traits of a firstborn: confident, pays attention to detail, perfectionist. Difficulty sharing.
Gibbs: Guilty, guilty, guilty... depends.
Melissa Dorn: You know Chinese. Any other hidden talents I should know about?
Gibbs: I can sample the frosting on a cake without leaving a fingerprint.
Tony: What good is it being an armed Federal agent if you can't drive fast?
Kate: You get to shoot bad guys.
Gibbs: Any more tattoos?
Tony: Just the rose on Kate's butt.
Gibbs: It's not a rose.
Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like? Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See... You do get me.
Gibbs: Gunny Vestman. Special Agent Gibbs. N.C.I.S.
Vestman: Recall an M.P. Gibbs. Lejeune. Long time ago.
Gibbs: Could be.
Vestman: He was high and tight.
Gibbs: (runs a hand through his hair) Not exactly long and shaggy, Gunny.
Vestman: Seen sheep dogs shorter.
Kate: You should have seen Gibbs with Melissa.
Tony: He threatened to shoot her?
Kate: Just the opposite, he was flirting with her. I didn't think he had it in him.
Tony: Well he had it in him at some point. He has been married three times. All red heads.
Kate: But Melissa is a red head.
Tony: That explains it.
Kate: So is that women who picks him up now and then. Who is she?
Tony: Not a clue.
Gibbs: What's wrong?
Abby: Look at it.
Gibbs: Looks like a match.
Abby: Precisely.
Gibbs: Good work, Abby.
Abby: No, it's not! You gave me 2 samples form the same tree. B matched and A didn't. I screwed up.
Gibbs: Sycamore A was from a tree down the street.
Abby: What?!
Gibbs: The idea of matching plant DNA was a bit...hinky for me.
Abby: Oh, ye of little faith!
Gibbs: Abby, c'mon! All I did was give you a blind test.
Abby: Well, you could've done that by not telling me which sample was from the suspect's sycamore!
Gibbs: I didn't think of that.
(Abby whacks him)
Episode 1.13 "One Shot, One Kill"
Tony: I'm going to need you on your knees over here Kate. It's time to get dirty.
Gibbs: Why are all these dolls naked?
Tony: Don't look at me boss. It must be a Goth thing.
Gibbs: Technically Marines save lives. Through use of superior fire power.
Gibbs: (in derelict building) Hey DiNozzo, this kind of reminds me of your apartment. Except for the minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: Gibbs gets dress blue Charlie's and I look like one of the Village People.
Tony: Just tell me he's wearing his vest.
Kate: .....He said it was visible under his shirt.
Tony: I knew it! If the sniper doesn't kill him, I will.
Kate: You think his recruiter told him a fast one?
Tony: I doubt it.
Kate:Why?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs, and getting away with it?
Gibbs: Can we hurry it up. Don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this.
Ducky: You knew the man?
Gibbs: Nope.
(Gibbs leaves)
Ducky: (to the corpse) If it's any consolation, Gunny, Gibbs is the absolute best we have.
Kate: Next time drive a little faster, Tony. I think my glands have an ounce of adrenaline left.
Tony: Response to a crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate.
Kate: It would help if the investigators didn't PUKE all over the crime scene.
Gibbs: Brings back memories.
Kate: Memories of what?
Gibbs: Marriage.
Kate: We can get the trajectory, no problem.
Tony: The competition's gonna be for the bullet.
Ducky: I don't think the unfortunate Staff Sergeant Allen isn't going to be much use there. The bullet passed clean through.
Gibbs: Then I suggest we help our "good friends", the FBI, find it. Tony, make a hole.
Tony: (to Ducky) Scalpel.
Gibbs: Kate, find the bullet.
Tony: You know if this works, Abs, you're a genius.
Abby: Oh Tony, tell me something I don't know.
Tony: I once dated my high school music teacher.
Abby: Really? What was his name.
Tony: (fake laugh) Cute.
Tony: Well, you think I could pass for a marine?
Gibbs: I don't know, let's shave your head and find out.
Kate: You really think we're going to get any potential recruits today?
Gibbs: Yup.
Kate: A man was murdered here three days ago. Who'd choose today to decide to join up?
Gibbs: A marine.
Tony: Is there a reason why you pulled all of their heads off, Abs?
Abby: It's so we know that we've checked them.
Tony: Yeah, but the one with the round and sitting practically on top. You emptied the entire box.
Abby: Well... It was kinda fun.
Tony: And they're naked.
Abby: Shh! I am about to perform my first autopsy.
Gibbs: Go get 'em, Tony!
Tony: We'll strip search the roaches, boss.
Kate: What's up?
Tony: This whole sensitivity to women in the workplace thing? Backfired.
Kate: What are you talking about?
Tony: I'm talking about the way we divide our tasks. I always get the floor. Up close and personal, floors are scummy.
Kate: It's no big deal, Tony, I would've done it.
Tony: Haha. But you didn't.
Kate: Floors are scummy.
Tony: My point exactly. You would never volunteer to take the floor, I would have to suggest it. Then I would be met by lots of comments about my chauvinism and insensitivity.
Kate: Ha. I don't need a floor for that.
Tony: Cute, but my point is in order for me to be PC, I've got to take the floor.
(Kate spots a few cockroaches in the cupboard)
Kate: You want me to take the floor?
Tony: Ah, you're just saying that to humor me.
Kate: No, you have a point. And if it bothers you that much, I'll take the floor. I insist.
Tony: Thanks.
Kate: No problem.
(Tony sees the cockroaches)
Tony: Oh!
Kate: Did you have fun last night?
Tony: Oh, yeah. Got in around 4am and ah, filed evidence for another hour.
Kate: Really. Was Gibbs with you?
Tony: Oh, man, thanks for reminding me. I'd better call him, make sure he's up.
Gibbs: Hey. You're late.
Tony: And a good morning to you, sir.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, where's my bullet?
Tony: Hopefully in this box or the wall behind it. Got your knife on you, boss?
Gibbs: Rule number nine.
Gibbs/Kate: Never go anywhere without a knife.
Tony: You sure about that? I thought nine was never ask a girl her weight on the first date.
Kate: Well, that depends entirely on whether you want a second one or not, Tony.
Tony: So what was it like? ... Being his superior officer.
Kate: You mean, did I get to boss him around? Make him salute me? Call me ma'am?
Tony: Basically.
Kate: It was great.
Tony: Nah, you're lying.
Kate: Am I? You know, Abby said you looked really good in your uniform too.
Tony: Did she?
Kate: Yeah. She said you'd fit right in with the biker boy, and the Indian chief, and the cowboy and all the other macho, macho men. (Walks away laughing)
Tony: Gibbs gets Dress Blue Charlies, I look like one of the Village People.
Abby: Haha. Maybe you could find a local cop and get a dance routine going.
Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment - except for that minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: For your information, I have a maid now.
Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies. (pause) Ow!
Tony: (to Kate about her uniform) Don't take this wrong...but you actually make that look good.
Carl: That's not how they do it on CSI.
Kate: You really have to get off that couch more, Carl.
Kate: Are you sure you know where you're going?
Gibbs: I used to do this for a living.
Tony: They had maps back then?
Tony: Do you think he'd let me borrow his uniform for the weekend?
Kate: I don't know. I just hope I'm there when you ask him.
Episode 1.14 "The Good Samaritan"
Abby: "Ready to have your world rocked again?"
Gibbs: "I'm barely over the last time."
Gibbs: "Okay, would you two, just for a sec, just pretend I don't know anything about computers?"
Abby: "Pretend?"
Abby: Are you guys Libras?
(Tony & Kate shake their heads)
Abby: They are so screwed this week.
Gibbs: Don't say it DiNozzo.
Tony: I wasn't going to say anything.
Gibbs: Don't even think it.
Tony: (smirking) Too late.
Gibbs: Anything unusual?
Ducky: Actually it's very straightforward.
Gibbs: That's unusual in itself.
Charlie: Surprised to see me?
Gibbs: Surprised? Yeah. Surprised is one word that comes to mind.
Charlie: Jethro, I think you owe me a dinner.
Gibbs: Have you always been so shy?
Abby: You can't rush science Gibbs. You can yell at it and scream at it, but you can't rush it.
Kate: (referring to Gibbs) Why is he carrying two cups of coffee today?
Tony: I don't know. I don't wanna know. It may have something to do with one of his ex-wives.
Charley: Man, you can talk.
Ducky: Maybe over dinner?
Charley: You're cute, but you ain't that cute.
Ducky: Don't be too hasty, Charley. Fate has brought us together.
Charley: You might want to check those tarot cards one more time.
Gerald: I actually find that interesting.
Ducky: As opposed to what?
Tony: So you're saying that someone stole your urine while you weren't looking?
Suspect: (sure of herself) Yes.
Tony: And how would they do that?
Gibbs: Anything Abby?
Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything unusual?
Gibbs: It's inflated.
Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this?
Gibbs: What do you think?
Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
Abby: So you don't know.
Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.
Abby: Hmmmm.
Gibbs: Hmmmm.
Abby: We should play poker sometime.
Gibbs: Yeah, we should.
Kate: Can I ask you a question, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Is this one of those questions where it's not going to matter if I say no?
Gibbs: What'd you find in his nose?
Ducky: Cellulosic fiber, lining.
Gibbs: Wood.
Ducky: Ah, sawdust, to be precise.
Tony: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I mean... I... don't... think it's weird.
(Gibbs scares Abby by sneaking up on her)
Abby: Oh! Gibbs! Didn't your Momma teach you not to sneak up on people?
Gibbs: Obviously not.
Gibbs: Did you run it through...
Abby: Run it through AFIS?
Gibbs: Feisty and psychic.
Abby: It's a killer combination.
Abby: I had a boyfriend who snuck up on me once. He was walking funny for a week. Or I should say funnier.
Kate: I know, you're going to ask me to call the LEOs in the other county and have them send over the evidence.
Gibbs: I wasn't going to ask.
Tony: This reminds me of a case I worked once. Guy hated mailmen -
Kate: Letter carrier.
Tony: What?
Kate: They're called letter carriers, not mailmen.
Tony: Since when?
Kate: I don't think there was a specific date, Tony, it just kind of evolved.
Tony: I'll be your emergency contact.
Kate: Thanks, I'll...get somebody else.
Tony: Yeah, what's wrong with me?
Kate: Where do I start?
Kate: I wouldn't kill for my sister.
Tony: You barely even return her phone calls.
Episode 1.15 "Enigma"
Ducky: You have a remarkable set of teeth.
Tony: Yeah, for an extra from Pirates of the Caribbean.
Ducky: I hear that was really good.
Gibbs: The ride?
Fornell: (to Gibbs) Much as I'd like to, I'm not going to let him shoot you Gibbs.
Ducky: Sorry we took so long. Gerald got us lost. Several times.
Gerald: Me? You had the map.
Ducky: I don't suppose any of you thought to take a photo before you ran screaming from the cabin.
Tony: Hey. That was not screaming. That was yelling. Loudly.
Kate: Do all Marines build boats?
Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one
.
(Tony, Kate, and Gibbs are sitting in wait against their car after Gibbs claims he saw a bomb in the house they were searching) Tony: Are you sure it was a bomb, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yes, DiNozzo. For the last time... I'm sure it was a bomb.
Tony: If you say so. EOD are sure taking their sweet time getting here. (van arrives with Ducky and Gerald)
Ducky: Sorry we're late. Gerald got us lost several times.
Gerald: Me? You had the map.
Gibbs: We have our own problems here, Ducky.
Ducky: Yeah, I can see that. FBI take over our crime scene again?
Kate: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.
Gibbs: (annoyed) What do you mean 'thought'?
Kate: Do I really have to say it?
Gibbs: Say what?
Ducky: Yes, Kate. Say what?
Kate: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy? (behind them, the house suddenly explodes, sending everyone to the ground)
Gibbs: (slowly lifting his head) Sorry. I didn't quite catch that last part...
Charles: You're under arrest.
Gibbs: For what?
Charles: Ticking off the F.B.I.
Gibbs: Get used to it.
Fornell: If you screw me on this...
Gibbs: I'll consider it a bonus.
Gibbs: You take a shot at him, you answer to me!
Fornell: I can live with that.
Tony: Today, Abbs!
Abby: Thats very Gibbs of you, Tony.
Tony: Thanks, Ive been practicing.
FBI Agent: I feel sorry for your boss.
Kate: Whys that?
FBI Agent: You obvious dont know Fornell very well.
Kate: Weve worked with him before.
Tony: We just dont particularly like him.
FBI Agent: So then you do know him.
Gibbs: Tony, touch my cell phone again and I'll break your fingers.
Tony: Where the hell are you, Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.
Gibbs: Well, it's a good thing I'm not there, then.
Tony: This is serious, he thinks you're with Colonel Ryan.
Gibbs: Well, he's smarter than he looks.
Kate: So what happened?
Tony: She broke into my apartment and filled my closet with dog crap.
Kate: Ha! Really? I knew there was a reason I liked her.
Tony: I still have her number. Maybe you two can get together and boil rabbits or something.
Kate: Not my style, Tony. I would just shoot you.
Gibbs: And that would be the reason for rule number twelve.
Kate: Rule twelve?
Gibbs: Never date a co-worker.
Episode 1.16"Bete Noire"
Ari: You're a very good shot.
Gibbs: Would you like me to demonstrate?
Ari: Funny, Agent Todd said the same thing.
Ari: You omitted one condition doctor.
Ducky: Did I? Oh yes. We've not to try and trick him.
Ari: Which you did Caitlin, by saying you beat your phobia.
Ducky: But she didn't know the rules.
Ari: But you did doctor, and you joined the ruse by calling her Abby. (Shoots Gerald)
Abby: (talking to Ducky) Wow, did you wake up on the wrong side of autopsy table?
Ari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.
Ducky: That wasn't a condition.
Ari: It is now.
Ari: Same way I came in?
Kate: I don't know how you came in.
Ari: In a body bag.
Kate: Same way you're going out!
Ducky: I can't wait to weigh your liver.
Ari: You any good with this gun, Caitlin?
Kate: Give it back and 'll demonstrate!
Ducky: [after Kate's failed attempt to attack Ari] Uh, could you give me a go?
Ari: I think not, Doctor. You would kill me without hesitation.
Gibbs: I want someone I know there.
Tony: That's the same as saying someone you trust. (Gibbs just smiles) Someone you depend on.......your best man? (Gibbs continues to smile) Your best man?
Ari: You won't leave here at all unless you put the box on the floor, your hands on your head, turn around, and walk back toward the door.
Gibbs: (recites along with the terrorist) ...your hands on your head, turn around, and walk back toward the door. Older doesn't mean deaf.
Tony: You've never had a nightmare?
Kate: Uh uh.
Tony: Not even as a kid?
Kate: No fear of the dark or a boogey man in my closet.
Tony: Me either but the vampire in the canopy of my bed freaked me.
Kate: You had a canopy bed?
Tony: I was five. My mother was into Louis XV. It wasn't my call, Kate.
Kate: Does she still frighten you?
Tony: My mother?
Gibbs: Did your father teach you how to report?
Tony: Oh yeah. During cocktail hour, I was pouring his Macallan18, three fingers, one ice cube. You know I had to report in about my day at school give him a brief review sort of... (Gibbs looks at Tony) We bagged and tagged everything in Hasam's room.
Tony: You're more smurf than alpha geek.(Gibbs looks at Tony) ...So am I according to Agent McGee.
Gibbs: You're right, Dinozzo.
Tony: I am?
Gibbs: He**, I still use a notebook and a pencil, instead of a PDQ.
Tony: It's a PDA. You can call it a Palm Pilot.
Gibbs: It desn't matter what I call it if i can't use it!
Tony: I'll teach you.
Gibbs: You'll teach me? McGee teaches you! You teach me! It's backwards! I need coffee.
Kate: What was that all about?
Tony: Gibbs' bete noire.
Tony: Aspirin, nasal spray, breath freshener, tea. Hasam drank a wimpy Darjeeling from northern Kashmir. I prefer the darker more robust flavor of tea from the Brama Kutra area in northeast India where they actually take the leaf and they rake it...
Gibbs: Tony.
Tony: ...with a small... Yeah boss?
Gibbs: You nervous?
Abby: You worried?
Tony: Oh... nah.
Abby: Yeah me too.
Episode 1.17 "The Truth is Out There"
Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.
Gibbs: How is Gerald?
Ducky: He'll be in rehab for months. I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro.
Tony: This guy was way into reality shows. Real World. Simple Life, Punk'd...
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Kate: Jeez, Gibbs, even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: Punk'd is an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera?
Tony: What's Candid Camera?
Abby: There's this guy who does this workout just before he goes out, so he's really pumped.
Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby: Does Tony know that you know?
(Gibbs laughs - nastily)
Abby: Do you have any fetishes?
Gibbs: I have three ex-wives. I can't afford any fetishes.
Abby: You know you love it when I talk tech.
Tony: (to Gibbs) 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. Limit’s 65... I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhart Jr.
Abby: Latex is, um, very popular in, uh, certain... circles.
Gibbs: Yeah? What kind of circles?
Abby: Gibbs, I dunno if you're ready for this. It might upset your delicate sensibilities.
Gibbs: Oh, I'll stop you.
Abby: Okay... maybe he was wearing a latex hood, like bondage gear, S&M fetish. I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon -...
Gibbs: Okay, you can stop.
Abby: Gibbs, that is no weirder than a three hundred and fifty pound guy with half his body painted yellow and the other painted green, wearing nothing but shorts in ten degree weather and a big plastic piece of cheese on his head saying "Go Packers!"
Gibbs: Abs, it's apples and oranges.
Abby: There's a fetish for that, too.
Tony: Stories are pretty consistent.
Gibbs: A little too consistent.
Tony: You think they're lying?
Gibbs: I think they're well-rehearsed.
Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.
Tony: What're we looking for?
Gibbs: Answers. (Gibbs walks away)
Tony: You got plans tonight?
Kate: Not really.
Tony: Good. 'Cause the last time Gibbs was like this, I didn't go home for a week.
Kate: The sad part? That would actually be an improvement over my social life.
Kate: Never put anything on videotape that you don't want to be seen.
Tony: Just ask Paris Hilton.
Tony: Yeah. Wonder what they were looking for.
Kate: Wonder if they found it.
Gibbs: I wonder when you two are gonna stop yakking and get to work.
Abby: I had this boyfriend once - not the balloon guy - but this one was like a computer genius. He put together a database of databases. I mean, it seems obvious in retrospect, like the pet rock...
Gibbs: Abby?
Abby: Yes?
Gibbs: You're spending too much time talking to Ducky.
Tony: Have you ever been in a men's room before?
Kate: No. Have you?
Ducky: I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro.
Gibbs: Funny thing about stereos... You can't hear the music unless the speakers are connected.
Tony: Any idea what this stuff is?
Kate: Of course!
Tony: What?
Kate: Evidence.
Gibbs: We gonna jump through any legal hoops?
Abby: Oh, that's kind of a gray area.
Gibbs: How gray?
Abby: Charcoal.
Tony: It's kinda ironic.
Antwane: What?
Tony: You run a hair salon and you're bald.
Antwane: I'm not bald.
Tony: Well then you're taller than your hair.
Gibbs: Still waiting for the odd part.
Ducky: Someone dressed him after he was killed.
Gibbs: That's odd.
Episode 1.18 "UnSEALed"
Tony: She sleeps with a gun boss...
Gibbs: Is that true?
Kate: Sort of...sometimes..yes
Gibbs (grins): Good Girl
SEAL Commander: Agent Gibbs do you know what its like to spend every free moment dreaming about being home again, hugging your wife, hearing your kids laugh; only to come home and learn its all gone.
Gibbs: It doesn’t justify murder.
Kate: Bananas, they are the closest thing to not being a fruit that a fruit can be.
McGee is peering around the corner at Gibbs
Gibbs: What the hell are you doing.
McGee gets flustered
Gibbs: Can you form a sentence, Agent McGee
Abby: 'Is there anything you can't find?'
McGee: 'A way to shut up DiNozzo'
Abby: "That's what I love about you Gibbs, always one finger ahead."
Abby: "Stained glass. That's very spiritual Gibbs."
Gibbs: "He could have gone to a vet."
Kate: "Tony's marking that territory."
Tony: "Ha ha. Cute."
Gibbs: Everyone has a cellphone, I have a cellphone
Tony: "Houston. The cell phone has landed."
Tony: (As Tommy Lee Jones) Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way! McGee: Accent's still not right.
Tony: D***.
Kate: You were a boy scout?
Tony: Cub.
Kate: What did they kick you out for?
Tony: Trying to score Brownie points.
Tony: It's three in the morning and you hear a strange noise in your house. What do you do?
Kate: Slide a pistol from under my pillow and then go after the guy.
Tony: We're talking about real people, Kate. Why do they always feel they need to go and look?
(discussing a prisoner from Leavenworth)
Tony: Do we know what this guy was in for?
Gibbs: Same thing I'm gonna be if you don't get your a** moving.
Tony: Right. (whispering to Kate) Murder.
Kate: And you didn't even use a lifeline.
Gibbs: Kate get you the stuff from Curtin's cell?
Abby: It's on its way. Kate rules.
Gibbs: I thought Abby ruled.
Abby: Good women don't mind sharing a throne, Gibbs.
(Tony brings in a lawyer in handcuffs)
Gibbs: Subtle, DiNozzo.
Tony: Shooting him just seemed so hand-fisted.
Gibbs: Whatever works.
(seeing Gibbs talking to a woman at the elevator)
McGee: Who's that?
Tony: Good question.Ask him.
Gibbs: (enters) Dropping off my glasses.
McGee: Sir.....boss.....
Gibbs: Yeah, McGee?
McGee: It was good working with you again.
Gibbs: Same here, McGee.
Mcgee: (starts to leave, then to Gibbs) Uh, by the way, there's something that Tony and Kate have been meaning to ask you.
Gibbs: Uncuff him so he can say hello to an old friend.
Coleman: I prefer him in cuffs!
Diego: Wish I'd have known when we were at JAG.
Diego: I'm gonna own your house, DiNozzo.
Tony: I rent.
Diego: Afraid you put an innocent in Leavenworth, Faith?
Coleman: Yes. But innocent or not, I still kicked your a**.
Kate: For the sake of argument, lets say he's innocent.
Tony: Why?
Gibbs: Because I said so.
Tony: Inocent, sure, why not.
Gibbs: What the he** are you doing?
McGee: Umm...
Gibbs: Can you form a sentence, Agent McGee?
McGee: NCIS investigator was Special Agent Clay Williamson, Sir.
Gibbs: That's a good sentence.
McGee: You enjoy this don't you.
Tony: Having fun at your expense?
McGee: Yeah.
Tony: Really a lot.
Gibbs: Are you on a roll?
Abby: Aren't I always?
Gibbs: Are you thinkin' what I think you're thinkin'?
Tony: I don't know, Boss.Are you thinkin' what I think you're thinkin'?
(Gibbs laughs)
Episode 1.19 "Dead Man Talking"
Abby: Reminds me of the Crying Game.
McGee: Don't know it.
Abby: It was such a cool flick.
Tony: Abby, could you pick some other movie please.
Abby: Oh um Victor Victoria?
Tony: That was a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl?
Abby: Right.
Tony: Yeah. That one's ok.
Abby: You rule
Gibbs: I know...but remind me why?
Abby To McGee: Whatever you do, do not lie. Gibbs is like Santa Claus, he knows if you've been naughty.
Tony: (answering Kate's phone) Special Agent Todd's desk. I'm sorry she's stepped
away.
Kate: (returning to her desk) Dinozzo.
Tony: May I ask who's calling? Um, one moment. (Kate grabs the phone) Dwayne?
Kate: I do have voice mail.
Tony: What fun is that?
Kate: You really need to get a social life of your own.
Tony: Oh I have a social life.
Kate: What's tonight, Celebrity Mole?
Tony: No, Best of Jacka**.
Gibbs: His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.
(Kate spots Tony eavsdropping on her call)
Kate: (to Gibbs) Permission to shoot him?
Gibbs: Uh-huh.
Gibbs: Problem?
Kate: Well, you really want to do that to McGee? Special Agent Bligh...(gesturing to Tony)...here is going to eat him alive.
Tony: McGee looks up to me, as a mentor.
Kate: Ugh.
Gibbs: You want to be stuck in a cramped apartment with DiNozzo? Be my guest.
Kate: On the other hand, it'll help McGee build character.
[as Amanda starts to escape]
Tony Stop him! Stop him!
McGee: Stop her! Stop her!
Kate: I'm warning you DiNozzo, don't even go there.
(Kate leaves)
Tony: We've gotta go there. Any ideas, McGee?
McGee: No.
Tony: Well, don't worry. I've got plenty.
McGee: You realize that any prank we play on Kate we'll also be pulling on Gibbs?
Tony: That's a problem.
McGee: Unless...nah.
Tony: What?
McGee: Well, I was thinking. Since she is expecting something, maybe we should do nothing.
Tony: ...That's brilliant. It'll drive her nuts trying to figure out what we did, that we didn't do. You're all right McGee.
Gibbs: (to Tony about information) Are you going to spit it out, or do I have to waste my coffee on your head?
Episode 1.20 "Missing"
Gibbs: Good job.
Tony: Did you say something, boss? Kate did he say something?
Kate: Don't push it.
Tony: Pushing it is what I love about this job.
Tony: Rush hour. I mean its not like anyone is rushing anywhere and it always takes more than a hour. They should call it--
Gibbs: How about 'Sit there and shut up before I shoot you' hour.
Tony: I was thinking something shorter. [Tony starts slurping his drink, Gibbs grabs it and throws it out his window.] That's littering.
Gibbs: Fine me.
Kate: So how big was his unit?
Abby: We could ask him... but, men tend to lie about that.
Kate: Where are you going?
Abby: Gibbs didn't tell you?
Kate: Tell me what?
Abby: I have a party to go to.
Kate: How did you get them to agree to that?
Abby: I asked him.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, you call in in every hour, you forget one time, call in late...don't bother coming back.
Gibbs: Tony does his best work when there's not an audience around.
Abby: I got a weird feeling.
Gibbs: Abs, you always got a weird feeling...
Abby: Yeah, but this time is different.
Gibbs: He can take care of himself.
Abby: What do you think, Kate.
Kate: I think you're just suffering from the affects of your party last night.
Abby: All I drank was Red Bull.
Kate: How many?
Abby: (pauses) Eighteen.
Sako: (yelling) Where the hell are you!?
Kate: Thank God, Tony's still alive.
(Gibbs looks at Kate baffled)
Kate: Who else you know pisses off people like that?
(Gibbs shrugs and smiles in a "yeah" sort of way)
Tony: Gibbs! What are you doing here?
Gibbs: I'm rescuing you, Tony!
Tony: (looks up at barred window that leads outside, with an almost wild look on his face, and whispers) My father was right, I am gonna end up in the gutter.
Tony: Admit it, you were worried about me. (no response) You don't have to say it, I know. (still no response) Okay, I want you to say it.You do care right? (elevator doors open and Gibbs walks out) So.....are you saying you don't care?
Gibbs: (stops) Tony, as far as I'm concerned (taps his cheeks), you're irreplaceable.
Tony: I knew it (laughs a little). I knew behind the whole marine thing you really are at heart--
Gibbs: Forget it McGee he's still alive.
Tony: Remember the good old days, Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us; treat us like peers?
Kate: No.
Tony: Good, I thought I was the only one.
Gunny: Unless you're a blacksmith, I'm pretty much screwed here.
Tony: You need to think positive, Gunny.
Gunny: You're right. I'm positive I'm screwed.
Tony: Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?
Kate: Or do you just hate us?
Gibbs: I hate traffic more!
Tony: I think I'm going to puke.
Gibbs: Roll down a window!
(phone rings)
Gibbs: (hands phone to Kate) Here, answer this.
Abby: Hey, Gibbs, it's me, Abby. I got a...
Kate: It's Kate.
Abby: Hey Kate, where's the boss man?
Kate: He's driving. We should be back soon.
Abby: Is he taking you on one of his special short cuts?
Kate: If that's what you want to call it. What's up?
Abby: Well, Gibbs asked me to do some background on Atlas and Sacco, and I found something interesting.
Kate: You're gonna have to speak up. Gibbs is apparently trying to kill us!
Kate: Look, just don't take any chances, Ok? If we're right about Sacco, he's got more than a screw loose.
Tony: Aw, and here I was thinking you didn't care.
Kate: It's not about caring. If anything happens to you, I'm gonna get stuck here working with Gibbs alone.
Tony: Aw, he's not that bad.
Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo! You still here?
Tony: Then again, you may be on to something.
Kate: Tony, you are so lucky you didn't have sisters growing up.
Tony: Why's that?
Kate: Because youd never have reached puberty. Of course, one could argue you still haven't reached it.
Kate: You were pretty tough with her.
Gibbs: She reminds me of my ex-wife.
Tony: Which one?
Gibbs: All of them!
Episode 1.21 "Split Decision"
Abby: Don't be silly AFT lady
Tony: (Talking about ATF Agent) I really liked her
Kate: An ATF Agent involved in illegal weapons and murder. What's not to like?
Tony: Don't be so quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, my instincts told me that she had good qualities as well
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt would they?
(Abby is making a fake ID for Gibbs)
Gibbs: Abs, leave a few gaps, don't make it so neat.
Abby: Please Gibbs, I've been making fake IDs since I was 15.
Tony: He said you could use his computer?
McGee: Uh huh.
Tony: Really? You know, when mine fried, he wouldn't let me touch his.
Gibbs: 'Cause your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.
Tony: You weren't going to let her shoot me were you?
Gibbs: Nah.
Tony: You had a plan, right?
Gibbs: (unconvincingly) Yeah.
(Team, discussing the hard drive)
Abby: "...its just a matter of Humpty Dumptying it."
Tony: "I thought they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again?"
Kate: "That's because the King only had horses and men." (she and Abby share a look)
Gibbs: (describing the watch he is putting on) It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us.
Tony: (in a Sean Connery accent) Very James Bond - does it tell time too?
Abby: It's not like they have any new ideas. It's just so...
Ducky: The song remains the same?
Abby: Exactly. And bonus points for the gratuitous rock reference.
(Abby developing an undercover ID for Tony)
Tony: How about some time in Leavenworth?
Abby: Whats the crime?
Tony: Something that fits my persona.
Abby: How about violation of federal obscenity laws?
Tony: That's funny.
Episode 1.22 "A Weak Link"
Kate: You OK?
Abby: I'm fine. Why?
Kate: You're not your normal, effervescent, cheerful Abby.
Abby: That's because she's been replaced. By the abnormal, dull, and melancholy Abby.
Tony: Aww, you don't know much about dating, do ya?
Kate: Huh, why don't you enlighten me?
Tony: Well, there's always one phony break-up, that proceeds the real break-up. Everyone knows that. (He tweaks Kate's nose.)
Gibbs: Let’s pretend we don’t know anything.
Tony: Not much of a stretch.
McGee: (about 'hinky'') It's a made up word.
Abby: All words are made up words.
McGee: Well, I think it's stupid.
Abby: Then maybe I just shouldn't say anything.
McGee: Fine!
Abby: Fine!
Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?
Kate: Get a search warrent for the servers.
Gibbs: Don't have time for a warrent. What's a quicker way?
Kate: Hack in the server.
(Gibbs smiles)
Kate: I can't believe I just said that.I would have never suggested that before I started working here.
Gibbs: You're welcome.
Gibbs: Looks like we're back to square one.
Ducky: I don't seem to have been much help.
Gibbs: That's okay, Duck.DiNozzo there sure enjoyed the ice cream.
Ducky: Well, if I have any brainstorms....
Gibbs: Yeah, we'll be here.
Kate: I wish I had a better idea of how all the rappelling stuff worked.It might be easier to figure out what happened.
Tony: I have.....kinda of a crazy idea!
Kate: Mmm, those are never comforting words coming from you.
(Gibbs and Tony share a look)
Kate: What?
(cuts to Gibbs hooking Kate up to a harness and Tony waiting below)
Kate: No! No way!
Gibbs: You'll do fine. Alright, push this down and clamp it onto your harness, like that.There we go.
Kate: Okay, remind me, this is going to help us solve the case again because.....
Tony: It's fun!
Gibbs:You want to understand what happened. This is how we understand.
(Kate cries as they ride up) Tony: You used to protect the president?
Gibbs: Gotta check you're harness. (Turns her around and adjust the harness) How does that feel?
Kate: (looks down) Like I'm about to throw up.
Gibbs: Face me. (Turns her around) DiNozzo, you're on belay.
Tony: Don't worry, Kate, I got your back.
Kate: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, Tony.
Gibbs: Okay, guide hand right here. Brake hand, you want to stop, clamp down on this, put your thumb right at the center of your butt.
Tony: All set down here, Boss.
Gibbs: Remember what I told ya'?
Kate: Todd on repel.
Tony: DiNozzo on belay.
Gibbs: You ready?
Kate: You know, Gibbs, I think I kind got the gist of it now. It's fine---
(Gibbs pushes her off. Kate cries out and hangs in the air a minute.)
Gibbs: You're doing great.
(She rides the rest of the way down screaming.)
Kate: (Lands in front of Tony) Cool.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, was there something in my tone of voice that made that sound like a suggestion?
Gibbs: (Tony sees a car in the victim's garage) You're not gonna start giving me all the vital stats on this car, are you?
Tony: Thunderball. She's got a...
Gibbs: Let me rephrase that, DiNozzo. You're *not* going to give me the vital stats on this car.
Gibbs: (to a suspect) Your track record for the truth is unimpressive.
Gibbs, Kate, and Tony are working late in the evidence garage. Ducky arrives with ice cream (starts at 0:33:34 on the DVD).
Ducky: Ice cream here!
Tony: Thank God! I'm starving! [Gibbs stares at Tony.] I can wait.
Gibbs: Duck, what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.
Ducky: How can I be at home in my warm and comfortable bed knowing that my brethren were here toiling away in the name of national security?
Gibbs: Couldn't sleep, huh?
Ducky: Not a wink.
Gibbs: Neighbors again?
Ducky: Or as I like to refer to them: the devil's spawn.
Episode 1.23 "Reveille"
Abby: Wake him up.
McGee: I don't know, maybe he needs the rest.
Abby: He's not resting, look at him. His eyeballs are disco dancing under those lids.
McGee: Disco dancing? Is that back?
Abby: It's Gibbs. It never left.
Gibbs: McGee should have. Hours ago. (sits up in his chair) Norfolk office opens in...(looks at watch) 24 minutes. It's a 193 mile drive.
McGee: Well, I was going to call in.
Gibbs: Yeah? And tell 'em what, McGee?
McGee: Well, uh, that you needed me to work here today?
Gibbs: Why do I need you here?
McGee: Well, because I have an idea on how to speed up the search for him.
(Gibbs stops in his tracks)
Gibbs: I'm listening.
Abby: Woah, Gibbs! I dig 'em!
Gibbs: Tell DiNozzo.
Abby: Would you be less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No.
Abby: Didn't think so.
Abby: Which keep getting longer as you age, whether or not you wear earrings, so you might as well wear them.
Gibbs: This you can do?
McGee: I just need a couple hours to put it on your hard drive.
Gibbs: Okay, that's worth a hall pass. I'll call Norfolk. (to Abby) He stay at your place?
Abby: Yep.
Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee? (enters bathroom without waiting for answer)
McGee: (looks at Abby) Coffin? Well...you...you said it was a box sofa bed.
Abby: Well...it is...sort of.
McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on! (scoffs) I can't believe I slept in a coffin.
Abby: (shrugs) Not just slept.
Gibbs: Rule number seven: Always be specific when you lie.
Gibbs: I want you to profile a terrorist.
Kate: What terrorist?
Gibbs: The one you couldn't stab.
Kate: Gibbs, what is it with your hair?
Gibbs: What's wrong with my hair?
Kate: Nothing, your hair is...you.
Gibbs: Yeah. Thank you.
Kate: Tony, I'm worried about him.
Tony: Gibbs? That's like worrying about Jim Bowie in a knife fight.
Kate: Bowie died at the Alamo.
Tony: I know. I saw the movie.
Kate: Gibbs surprised me at DC Beans today. He brought me coffee and then drilled me about that terrorist like it was yesterday not months ago.
Tony: Wow, that is serious. He's never bought me coffee.
Gibbs: Tony comes back, put him under house-arrest.
McGee: Me?
Tony: Hey Boss. McGee said you wanted to see me. (pauses, no reaction from Gibbs, just a stare) Actually, he said I was under house-arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.
Gibbs: Do I need to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?
Tony: Up to my knees?
Gibbs: Ah, so you're familiar with this creek.
Tony: Want to give her a paddle?
McGee: Huh?
Tony: It has to do with the creek Kate and I are up.
Gibbs: I want it TODAY! (walks away)
McGee: Wow!
Tony: Kate's right, I think Gibbs is losing it. You don't really think he meant today, do you?
(McGee nods his head)
Tony: Oh man! (shakes his head and arms furiously)
Ari Haswari: Oh, many women find me charming.
Kate: You must pay them well.
Ducky: I wonder if the college should be informed.
Tony: Would they want to name him an honored alumni?
Ari: Women should never get involved in politics; it’s a waste of beauty.
Fornell: This guy's been a sleeper his whole life.
Gibbs: I'd like to put him in a coma.
Fornell: (takes a drink of Gibbs' bourbon and winces) Now I know why you keep it with the paint strippers.
Gibbs: It's 125 proof.
Kate: Scary scenarios' keep popping into my head.Like you're here to fire me or tell me I'm going undercover has DiNozzo's wife.
(Gibbs enters the NCIS morgue to meet with the terrorist Ari Haswari, opens a body bag containing Marta's body, one of Ari's partners]
Gibbs: She was beautiful...
Ari Haswari: Very...
Gibbs: Did you make love to her... and then blow her brains out...?
Ari Haswari: She would do the same to me...
Gibbs: Why do you do this...
Ari Haswari: The same reason you do...
Gibbs: I don't think so...
Ari Haswari: Then you're lying to yourself...
Gibbs: What now? You go back to the Middle East... tell them that Marta was Mossad and she blew the op?
Ari Haswari: Yes...
Gibbs: Two op failures in a row... I'd axe your ass if you worked for me...
Ari Haswari: People who blow themselves apart to
kill their enemies have lower expectations...
Gibbs: How do you sell Marta as a double agent?
Ari Haswari: My men the FBI permitted to escape... they know the effort I put into this operation, buying Smokey Sam's... kidnapping Agent Todd so I could identify Marine 1... and when they search Marta's apartment they will find money and documents traceable to Mossad... Hamas will believe me... Al Qaeda is more wary...
Gibbs: They don't believe you... you're dead...
Ari Haswari: Yes... and if they do... I may learn what they plan as the next 9/11... would you risk losing that opportunity over pride? Gibbs: It's not pride...
Ari Haswari: If not pride then what? Love of country... Sense of duty? I'm sure they exist in you... but what burns is pride my friend... shalom...
Gibbs: (Shoots Ari in the shoulder) Just wanted to help you convince Al Qaeda.
DiNozzo: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I was working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight a**?
DiNozzo: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
DiNozzo: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
DiNozzo: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
DiNozzo: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.
Kate: Tony. He's fixated on that terrorist.
Tony: Not fixated; determined. Like Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive. Like the Duke in The Searchers. Mel Gibson in Payback.
Kate:You ever read a book?
Season 2
Episode 2.1 "See No Evil"
Kate: "When I’m a mother, I’m never letting my kids out of my sight."
Tony: "Yeah, how do you plan on doing that? "
Kate: "G-P-S locater strapped to the ankle. Audio and video surveillance built into their clothes."
Tony: "No, I mean the part about becoming a mother."
Ducky: "Well, now that you mention it, I did have a great uncle who drowned in a vat of alcohol."
McGee: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
Ducky: "Of course he reportedly climbed out three times to go to the bathroom."
Tony: Yeah, I'll get that APB out on the lollipop guild.
Gibbs: What can you tell me about the voice?
Abby: It sounds like a particle physicist that I used to date. He had this tiny little chicklet like teeth and an Eiffel tower tattoo.
Gibbs: (holds up Caf-Pow) You want this Abby or not?
Tony: You know, considering no one in this room is actually deaf, that's really annoying. (Gibbs signs something to Abby) Hey! That was about me, wasn't it.
McGee:What the hell is it?
Abby:Maybe just some left over bodily fluid.
McGee: Oh is that all? It's disgusting.
Gibbs: We're not FBI, dirtbag.
Gibbs: (smashing cell phone on desk) I hate this thing! It's crap!
Kate: There's a secretary from the Pentagon downstairs and she claims her boss is being held hostage by his computer.
Gibbs: See, (holds up smashed phone) there's a reason I didn't trust these things. (tosses it to McGee) Here, reboot that or something. (to Kate) Send her up
McGee: Reboot it?
Kate: Or you can do what we always do. (Tony pulls a box out of a filing cabinet drawer filled with new, unopened phones and hands it to McGee)
Tony: It's his third one this month.
Kate: You still pushing to be a full-time field agent?
McGee: Very much so.
Kate: Alright, we need to get into the house. Suggestions?
McGee: Uh, well, the last time I was in this situation, Tony threw a rock through a window.
Kate: Yet another difference between boys and girls. Follow me.
Gibbs: You inside his computer yet?
Abby: Oh, um...I think, um...
Gibbs: ...need help?
Abby: Yeah.
Gibbs: All you had to do was ask. One of the smartest people I know told me that once.
Abby: Who?
Gibbs: You.
Abby: Face it, McGee. We are doomed.
McGee: Gibbs can't really expect us to hack into the pentagon in a single afternoon!
Abby: Yeah, he can.
McGee: You're right, we are doomed.
Abby: I love it when you talk geek.
McGee: I love it that you love it.
Abby: (as her computer fizzles and crashes) NO! NO, NO, NO,... My baby just french-fried!
McGee: System's over-heated.
Gibbs: So reboot it.
Abby: Believe it or not, Gibbs, not all computer problems can be solved by rebooting.
Gibbs: ( holding up cell phone) Works for me.
Sandy: I know the number of vibrations of every key, like key number 44, E4, that's 329.63 Hz. A5 is 880. My mom says I'm half bat. Abby: Well, that's cool. I love bats.
Sandy: Me too. I like your voice, Abby; it's kinda gravely.
Abby: Thank you!
McGee: Gbbs, he sent it. I think he's going to shoot her. What do I do?
Gibbs: Something, McGee... Anything!
McGee: (over computer) This is the FBI, Grayson. We have you surrounded, come out with your hands in the air.
Kate: [reading note from a hostage] "Contact NCIS. No one else."
Tony: Finally, someone who appreciates us.
Kate: Can't you tell when somebody's kidding with you, McGee?
McGee: I used to and then I met you guys.
Gibbs: McGee! Why are you still here?
McGee: Uh, the, the, the contractors, they won't wire the network until the air conditioning's fixed. It, it's a union thing. So...
Gibbs: So-o-o-o you decided it's more important for an NCIS Special Agent to crawl around, all day, by yourself?
Tony: Man asked you a question.
McGee: Why, uh, no, I just, I wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk.
Gibbs: Yeah. You have any idea where thinking like this is gonna lead you?
Tony: Yeah, do you, McGee?
Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony here. Looks like he could use a workout.
McGee: Uh, it... it... it's not that difficult. So I, uh, I guess I could do it myself.
Tony: Good answer.
Kate: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today.
Gibbs: McGee, where are you going?
McGee: Uh, Norfolk.
Gibbs: Well, I got some good news and some bad news.You've just been promoted to a full time field agent.
McGee: Really? That's incredible! What's...
Gibbs: You belong to me now!
(Kate goes to sit down but finds McGee under her chair)
McGee: Ah, morning, Agent Todd.
Kate: McGee!
McGee: Yeah?
Kate: You have two seconds to tell me what you're doing down there.
McGee: I'm, ah, upgrading the computer network and, ah...
Kate: Time's up! (starts pulling him up by his ears)
McGee: Ah, ah, I wasn't looking, I swear, ow, ow, I wasn't looking, ow...
Gibbs: (walks in and stops in his tracks) Tony.
Tony: Yeah?
Gibbs: Did I just see what I thought I saw?
Tony: Out of respect for my co-workers, boss, I'd have to say yes you did, and it's very disturbing.
Episode 2.2 "The Good Wives Club"
Gibbs: "What do you have Abby?"
Abby: "What don't I have Gibbs? Clothing fibers, carpet fibers, dust, beetle parts, soiled bedding, there's even a pamphlet called "The Good Wives Guide" what's up with that?"
Gibbs: "Ask McGee."
Abby: "McGee?"
Gibbs: "Ma-Gee"
Abby: "Really?"
Abby: Very Silence of the Lambs, don't cha think.
Gibbs: This is going to be useful Abby why?
Abby: Gibbs, I know you know that I need a good wind up before I deliver my knock out.
Gibbs: Just hit me with it baby.
Gibbs: Put someone in a wedding dress.
Kate: Tony would look cute.
Gibbs: No. He's off interviewing the victim's parents.
Kate: Well, McGee then.
Gibbs: No, he's with Tony.
Kate: Abby.
Gibbs: No, up to her tatts in forensic tests.
Kate: Well, what about you? (Gibbs gives her a look) You won't have to wear the dress.
Tony: [at weird crime scene] This is really sick. Stephen King would love it.
Tony: Question for you, Probie. Redbook? Why?
McGee: Redbook was, and still is, the definitive magazine for today's young woman.
Tony: Planning a sex change?
McGee: No, I, since I've always been interested in women, I figured the best way to know about them... was to, you know, know about them.
Tony: McGee, the best way to know about them... is to *know* them.
Kate: Beatnik gone?
Tony: Yeah.
Kate: [snapping fingers] Cool!
Tony: Do you know what bongos are?
McGee: Yeah.
Tony: Well a beatnick is playing them in my head.
Episode 2.3 "Vanished"
Ducky: "DNA doesn’t lie, Jethro. People do"
Kate: "Most people tend to their personal hygiene at home."
Tony: "This bothers you?"
Kate: "No, what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore."
Tony: "I'm an acquired taste."
McGee: "Actually, it's more like the Stockholm Syndrome. The emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress and a need to cooperate for survival."
[after telling McGee about a movie which depict the parents as aliens]
Tony: Whew! Scared of my parents for years after that.
McGee: I'm sure the feeling was mutual.
Kate: (Tony sent Kate flowers to apologize ) Tony, I'm blown away. They're gorgeous. And they're from Martha's Garden, my favorite florist! How'd you know?
Tony: Lucky guess!
Gibbs: [entering] He went through your purse and got the phone number off your P.D.A.
[after Gibbs gets a suspect to confess by wispering something in his ear]
Kate: What did Gibbs say to him?
Tony: If I knew that I would be Gibbs.
Kate: (watching Gibbs interrogate) What is Gibbs doing?
Tony: T.B.I.
Kate: Excuse me?
Tony: Truth By Intimidation.
Farmer: (about Gibbs) I guess his bark is worse than his bite, huh?
McGee: The bite is actually much worse.
Episode 2.4 "Lt. Jane Doe"
Tony: (shows picture to bar owner) "She been in recently?"
Bar Owner: "No, what'd she do?"
Tony: "Got herself raped and killed."
Bar Owner: "Such a sweet countenance."
Tony- "Sweet countenance?"
Bar Owner- "Yeah, that radiant look on her face."
Tony- "She doesn't look radiant, she's dead."
Bar Owner- "In that picture?"
Tony- "Yeah, she's dead."
Bar Owner- "She's dead?"
Tony- "She's dead. Why do you think her eyes are closed?"
Bar Owner- "I thought she was meditating."
Tony- (makes a funny face) "OK....thanks"
Abby: Someone strangled our Jane Doe, then inserted someone else's semen to frame them.
Kate: (wincing/frowning) EEWWWWWW!!!!
Kate: You were in the bathroom for 45 minutes!
Tony: You clocked me?
Kate: What could've made you take so long? (Catching herself, hand pointing to Tony) Don't answer that!
Tony: Well I was--
Kate: (covers ears with hands) Ohhhh, No! I don't wanna hear it!
Jimmy: Ducky went to Norfolk, I think he drove.
Gibbs: Why?
Jimmy: Why did he drive?
Gibbs: No, why did he go to Norfolk!!!
Ducky: Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.
Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her?!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her]
Tony: It wasn't me!
Ducky: (speaking to ashes of Jane Doe) Time for our relationship to change, my dear. It's time for you to go home. But... it's not the home you knew in this life, but I think you'll find peace here. And the way things turned out, so will I.
Kate: [Ducky is talking to a body] You know, Ducky, someday one of them will talk back.
McGee: If I said that to Gibbs, I would be seeing stars.
Abby: Well that's the advantage of being me.
Ducky: [after evidence links victim to a cold case] He's back, isn't he? Not again, Jethro. We can't let him escape again.
Ducky: The language of silence may be hard to hear, Caitlin. But, unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.
Gibbs: Come here. Abs, you'll need Ducky's help.
Abby: No I won't.
Gibbs: (nods to Ducky's who is looking sadly at the pictures of the victims) Abs.
Abby: Yes I will.
Gibbs: [to McGee who's under Abby's computer] Special Agent Goodwrench?
Abby: [laughs] McGee is rewiring my Hot Box.
Tony: Do you believe in Karma Boss?
Gibbs: I've had three wives, DiNozzo.
Episode 2.5 "The Bone Yard"
Kate: "Maybe we don’t need one. That is, if you’re ready to become a father"
Tony: "I think she’s talking to you, Probie"
Kate: "We go down to the lab and see if I’m carrying your baby. It’ll be fun"
McGee: "Oh! And we can steal Little Rickey’s DNA test"
Kate: "Photograph it for Abby"
Tony: "I’ll do it"
McGee: "Why you?"
Tony: "Do you think anyone would believe you actually slept with Kate?"
(Gibbs and Tony are in the boxing ring)
Tony: Did you learn to box in the Marines?
Gibbs: The Corps doesn't teach boxing.
Tony: Your loss.
(Gibbs takes Tony apart and leaves him flat on his back, winded and hurting)
Gibbs: They teach fighting.
Abby: I just identified your criminal and he's cute.
McGee: He's dead!
Abby: I know.
Fornell: Did anyone ever tell you you're an insufferable bastard?
Gibbs: Yeah.
(Gibbs outside Fornell's prison cell, leaning in)
Gibbs: Not much of a view.
Fornell: Reminds me of your basement.
Gibbs: It's not dark enough.
Fornell: "Realizing how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs."
Kate:" Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that."
Tony: "You never met his second wife."
Ducky: He [Palmer] means well, but every now and then I get this overwhelming urge to slap him. Is that wrong?
Gibbs: I do it all the time.
Ducky: Yes I know, but always on the back of the head.
Gibbs: A slap in the face is humiliating. A slap on the back of the head is a wake-up call.
FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-a**?
Tony: Only to you boys from the Hoover building.
Deluca: Are you deaf or nuts?
Gibbs: Eh, a little of both.
Deluca: (about Gibbs) Is there some secret to getting on his good side?
Tony: Oh, there's no secret.
Kate: He doesn't have one.
Gibbs: Agent Charles, can you get me the Bureau file on Fornell?
Charles: I haven't even seen it. (Gibbs looks at him) If I get caught, I'm finished as a federal agent.
Gibbs: Don't get caught.
Charles: You can't threaten to kill someone in custody, Gibbs.
Gibbs: It wasn't a threat.
Fornell: Realizing how sad this than sounds, but you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.
Gibbs: You dying or something? (Fornell gives him a look) Okay, not dying.This some part of a twelve step program?
Fornell: Are you gonna help me or not?
Gibbs: Thinking about it.
Abby: Hear Kate kicked your butt this morning, McGee.
McGee: Oh. You heard wrong. Wasn't my butt...
Abby: So she kicked you in the...?
McGee: I thought I was joining a Federal Agency, not reliving my junior year in high school.
Abby: Just remember, they torture you because they care.
McGee: So, if I make them dislike me...?
Abby: It'll get worse.
(Kate and Tony are undercover at a sperm bank)
Kate: You writin' my name right?
Tony: What! I just wanna know if it's mine. (to receptionist) She kinda sleeps around a lot if you know what I mean.
Kate If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
Kate: You slept with my sista!
Tony: I thought it was you!
Kate: She weighs 300 lbs.
Tony: She was wearing your earrings!!
Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him, please, I'm beggin' you.
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.
Kate: Thank you. (throws gum at Tony as she leaves)
Tony: I'm sorry, she slept with my brother ... and my best friend ... at the same time.
Episode 2.6 "Terminal Leave"
Gibbs: "Abbs, look at the door panel. Dark and shiny. You can see a reflection."
Abby: "A reflection of whoever planted the bomb. Gibbs! You're hired!"
Ducky: (Talking to the poodle's body) "Ahh, when you walked into a room I bet you must have turned heads. Just back from the salon, with your hair all done up."
Palmer: "French fried poodle."
Kate: "Tony."
Tony: "Yes, Kate dear."
Kate: "There's only one bathroom downstairs."
Tony: "And your point is?"
Kate: "The seat stays down."
Tony: "Unless it's up."
Kate: (mumbling) "....two! twenty two, fourteen, twenty two! yay!" (walks off with a smile)
Tony: "Women Willie, can't live with them....can't think of a reason why you'd want to."
Gibbs: What do you got for me Abbs."
Abby: "You've got mail from the FBI. I think that agent has the hots for you.
Gibbs: "I've seen better pictures of Sasquatch."
Tony: Don't wonder when he'll not talk to you, which I know, he will.
Willie: (goes down) McGee!
McGee: Hey.
(McGee and Willie look at each other, then go up. Tony looks confused.)
Willy: Have you shot anybody?
Tony: Not this week.
Abby: Machine making pretty pictures now.
Tony: Hey, you know I remember how i felt when my dog died actually.....
Willy: Bite me.
(Tony growls)
Kate: (from the shower) Tony! Out of here. Now!
Tony: What? I'm just brushing my teeth. Oh, hey, don't use up the hot water 'cause you've been in there forever.
Kate: Tony, how long have you been in here?
Tony: Long enough to know you can't sing... and haven't shaved your legs in a week.
Kate: Running out in the open? This is not a good idea.
Tony: Well, she's stubborn, won't listen to reason and is definitely used to getting her own way. Kind of reminds me of someone.
Kate: Yeah, like a female Gibbs.
Tony: See, I was thinking you.
Tony: Oh, sounds like we're goin' to need the infrared scope on this one, McGee.
McGee: The one that can see through walls at night?
Tony: Better than pay-TV.And the best part? It's free.
Kate: And that's the reason why, Tony.
Tony: Why what, Kate?
Kate: You'll never get my home address.
Willy: (hits Tony in the head with a ball) Goal! (Tony moves toward him) Hey, touch me, it's child abuse.
Tony: (growls and walks away) I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.
Gibbs: He reminds me of you.
Kate: I don't trust her.
Gibbs: Good. You're learning.
Palmer: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?
Palmer: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.
Reyes: Don't worry, okay? After that, the FBI will pick up protection.
Gibbs: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
Kate: I've run presidential protection details, Reyes. You don't assign two undercover units without coordination.
Gibbs: She's not interested in protection, Kate.
Kate: You wanted them to try again.
Gibbs: The FBI thinks the assassination team after the commander is part of a much larger operation.
Kate: And we're the bait to draw them out.
Reyes: Our Intel indicates that they were planning something catastrophic. We were hoping by observing this team that they would lead us to the rest of the network.
Kate: And if the commander and her family just happen to die in the process? Wow. And I thought Fornell was a b******.
Gibbs: My people are protecting that family. If they have to, they will die doing it. If that happens... ask Fornell what I'd do.
Gibbs: I'll get their names.
Reyes: Oh? How? You going to force feed him your coffee?
Gibbs: You see, DiNozzo was wrong about you. You do have a sense of humor. Don't miss the six O'clock news, Agent Reyes.
Reyes: What the h*** have you done?
Gibbs: Nothing yet. But isn't our FBI using an American family as terrorist bait news?
Reyes: You'll blow our entire operation.
Gibbs: Sure. But I'll also get Moore in my chat room.
Reyes: Look, even an agent as arrogant as you are has to know that what you're threatening is a career ender.
Gibbs: Only if he doesn't talk. If he does it's a career maker. (on the phone) Suzanne McRoberts, please. Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. (to Rayes) You've seen Suzanne on TV. She's cute, blonde, does the anchor on the news. (Rayes ends his call) That had better mean we have a deal or you're going to lose a finger.
Gibbs: It was your people that were lucky today, Agent Reyes.
Reyes: Oh, yeah? How do you figure that?
Gibbs: Because my people shoot to kill.
Episode 2.7 "Call of Silence"
Henry:"Gibbs."
Gibbs:"Hey, Morning Henry."
Henry: "That sushi place you sent me to,"
Gibbs: "What, you didn't like it?"
Henry: "I liked it fine. Only, you didn't tell me I had to speak Japaneses to order."
Gibbs: "You don't order, you eat what you're served with a smile. Just like being married."
Gibbs: "Yost!"
Ernie: "Yo!"
Gibbs: Let a Gunny buy you dinner
Yost: You weren't an officer?
Gibbs: Hell No!
Yost: I knew there was something about you I liked.
Yost: You conned me, Gunny.
Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?
Yost: You're d*** right you would. And I want to thank you for it.
Yost: (to Yoshida) And you were never on Iwo Jima.
Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.Guadalcanal.
Kate: Coleman is going to use this to put Yost away for the rest of his life.
Tony: Do we have to tell her?
Gibbs: (sarcastically) No. Here at NCIS we just report the evidence we like.
Episode 2.8 "Heart Break"
Tony: I saw that movie!
Ducky: The silent version, or the British mini series?
Tony: They were talking.
Abby: Barbecue boy was murdered.
McGee: Matches.
Abby: Light my fire McGee!
Abby: When he's finished slicing and dicing, we'll bang heads.
Gibbs: Don't cause any sparks.
Tony: Too bad you didn't get to bed at a sensible hour. I mean, to sleep, cause obviously, you were in bed.
Kate: I get it, Tony.
Kate Is that Dorin’s surgeon with Ducky?
Gibbs: Ducky’s older Kate he’s not dead.
Abby: You’re the man Ducky. Why cant I find someone like you?
Ducky: Well if this doesn’t work out, I am available.
Abby: (pretending to be the corpse) No don’t put me back in the dark.
Palmer: Abby you made me almost…
Abby: Made you almost what… J-i-m-m-y.
Gibbs: (to Dr. Byers) Doctor Mallard is a man of few words
Tony: (as Gibbs arrives) Looks like you and I were the only ones flying solo last night, McGee.
McGee: Speak for yourself.
Palmer: (after Ducky talks to his patient) Does it help you to - talk to them?
Ducky: Well, they're still human. But what we do is so invasive, and impersonal. It helps me to establish a relationship.
Gibbs: You a law student?
Spenser: Second year Georgetown.
Gibbs: I'm going to give you a lesson tonight in *practical* law. I'm going to ask for Hayes's room key. *Politely.* And you're going to hand it over.
Spenser: Key? Hotels haven't used keys in years
Kate: If he has to wake a judge, nobody is going to be happy.
Spenser: [hands them the key, Gibbs and Kate leave] Okay, but announce yourself first. That's in compliance with the recent Supreme Court decision.
Tony: You don't really expect me to take advice about women from you, do you?
McGee: Well, I could stay here and argue the point, but I have a date.
Tony: Was he having trouble with anyone aboard the ship?
Paula: Safety officers are generally disliked. They have the authority to stick their nose in anyone's department; no one can say a word.
Tony: That sounds like Gibbs. So Commander Dornan made enemies.
Paula: Made an art of it.
Tony: Definitely sounds like Gibbs.
Episode 2.9 "Forced Entry"
Gibbs: Hey Kate, your brothers are really like that?
Kate: Sadly, yes.
Gibbs: Huh, explains a lot.
McGee: Well, there's about a 150 gigabytes of data on several hard drives.
Gibbs: Only a 150?
(Gibbs pat McGee on the shoulder)
Gibbs: Hell, that shouldn't take much time at all.
McGee: He has no idea what a gigabyte is, does he Abby?
Abby: I don't think he knows what a hard drive is McGee.
Kate: The only thing running in your blood, Tony, is cholesterol. And possibly Chlamydia.
Tony: It’s curable.
Gibbs: Well, considering I’ve seen better pictures of a UFO, you tell me, McGee.
Kate: This house is sorta how I always pictured Tony’s place.
Gibbs: Yeah except DiNozzo has better furniture.
Kate: He does have experience with cybersex.
Gibbs: Yeah? That true DiNozzo?
Tony: I think what Kate meant to say was that I met a very nice girl online once.
Gibbs: Yeah. What was her name?
Tony: Names aren’t that important. Hotjugs24. But I think she meant it as a metaphor.
Kate: Now why would somebody hide a camcorder in a vent?
Tony: You’re kidding right? Oh, ya know when this is over we really need to talk Kate. You’re scaring me.
(McGee is drinking coffee that Tony gave him without mentioning that it belongs to Gibbs)
Gibbs: Enjoying that coffee, McGee?
McGee: Uh, yeah!
Gibbs: It's not too hot?
McGee: (pause) It's your coffee. I'm, uh... Sorry, Boss. I'll get you another one. (to Tony and Kate) Thanks.
Kate: Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule Twenty-Three.
Tony: Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?
Hegarty: You never mess with a Marine's coffee, if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.
Tony: (laughs) That's right. (as McGee leaves) Dead man walking!
Tony: Yep, it's amazing what you can do with computers these days, Kate.
McGee: Sure is, Tony. Hey, I've, uh, got a little somethin' you might be interested in.
Tony: Who's this supposed to be?
McGee: I tracked down your cyber babe for you. Hot Jugs 24.
[McGee shows picture of big, bald, tattooed dude in undershirt. Kate laughs]
Gibbs: Yeah, she's a real keeper, DiNozzo.
Kate: I wonder if he wears a sports bra.
Abby: [about a suspect] This guy is cleaner than cleaner, whiter than white. If you put him in a line up with snow, snow is going to jail.
Abby: You think he did it?
Gibbs: Kind of depends on your definition of it.
Abby: Spoken like a true politician Gibbs!
Tony: So, you wanna drag her in here and accuse her of attempted murder McGee.
McGee: No, I didn't say that.
Tony: No let's do it, it's not like she hasn't been through enough crap already.
McGee: Well, you would know, you're the master at giving it.
Tony: Watch your lip, Probie.
Kate: Hey!
Tony: ....Your quivering lip.
Kate: Hey! Hey! I swear the two of you are worse than my brothers, and they're practically psychotic.
Episode 2.10 "Chained"
Gibbs: Do I seem like the kind of guy who would drive a squishy little car?!
Tony: You missed your calling, Boss. Could've been a chiropractor.
Gibbs: You got him?
Abby: Are you honestly asking me that?
Gibbs: No Abbs. I called to flirt.
Tony: This is not a river, Jeffrey. You know what this is? It's a stream. And you can't drown in a stream, okay? You can get wet, and you can get frickin' freezing, but you can't drown!
Jeffery: I think I have a concussion.
Tony: You didn't hit your head on anything.
Jeffery: The sticker says that air bags can be fatal.
Tony: For children!
Biker: A shih tzu named Kate.
Gibbs: What's a shih tzu?
Kate: It's a little, annoying dog. Did they describe it?
Biker: Yeah, they said it had long brown hair....kinda mangy.
Kate: I'm gonna shoot him.
Deputy Sec. Of State: You’re telling me to…
McGee: Stick it.
(pause as deputy looks shocked)
McGee: Thank you, Ms. Deputy Secretary of State, our conversation is now over. (cuts transmission)
(MTAC agents applaud)
Gibbs: I've never lost an agent undercover. I'm not going to let DiNozzo screw that up.
Kate: EEEK!
(over the monitor)
Abby: What's wrong?
Kate: Gibbs is driving.
Abby: I'm saying a prayer in many languages.
McGee: The deputy Secretary of State of the United States?
MTAC Man: No, Norway.
McGee: How does he want me to fix it?
Abby: You can't. You're doomed.
Tony: We're criminals on the run and criminals don't stop for lotion!
Tony (to Jeffrey): For the 300th and final time, shut your pie hole.
Abby: He’s a regular Mack the Knife, Gibbs. Their throats were cut from behind.
Tony: I really liked him.
Gibbs (looks at dead bad guy (Jeffrey White), whom Tony has shot): Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.
McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.
Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Gibbs: McGee. Good job.
Kate: Lets break the pattern.
Gibbs: What pattern?
Kate: Dishonest-scilence pattern.I'll start.I'm worried for Tony.There, I said it, I dropped my guard for two seconds, I got it out and now I'm......happy.
Gibbs: That made you happy?
Kate: Yes. Don't you wanna be happy, Gibbs?
Gibbs: I am happy.
Kate: You don't look happy.
Gibbs: We're done with this.
Kate: I thought we were.
Tony: Kate! Oh, no...
Motercycle Rider: Who's Kate?
Tony: My dog, she must have jumped out. Kate! Kate! Come here, girl. Oh, man (feigns injury) Ah, ah... my leg...
Jeffery: Can you move it?
Motercycle Rider: Wait here, I'll get her. What does she look like?
Tony: Aaaaaa... Shih Tzu.
Motercycle Rider: A what?
Tony: Long, brown, hair, kinda mangey.
Secretary of State: (video-conference on MTAC plasma screen) Either I speak to Agent Gibbs and get a full accounting of this investigation, or I've been authorized to pull NCIS from the investigation and put it under the FBI's jurisdiction.
McGee: You're getting in the way.
Secretary of State: Excuse me, Agent McGee?
McGee: We are working very hard. We have an undercover agent who is missing, he's risking his life and your constant interruptions are keeping me from doing my job.
Secretary of State: You lost your prisoners! You lost your agent!
McGee:That is not true.
Secretary of State: That's what you told me.
McGee: Look, the truth is that while Agent DiNozzo is lost, Jeffrey White is still with him. So Jeffrey White technically is with an NCIS agent, and therefore technically is still in custody.
Secretary of State: Well, you've clearly been empowered to tell me off.
McGee: Yes ma'am.
Secretary of State And what exactly did Agent Gibbs...
McGee: He told me to... tell you to ... stick it.
Secretary of State: You're telling me... to...
McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Ms Deputy Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.
(indicates to cut link)
(MTAC staff break into applause)
Voice on radio: Transport three three four, we're hearin' a tractor trailer flipped over on 295. It's a parking lot.
Federal Marshal Driver: Three three four, roger that, tell the judge we're gonna be a little while. We'll peel off at New Kent. I'll take King William to River Road.
Federal Marshal: Nah, just stay on 17 the whole way.
Federal Marshal Driver: Yeah, wait one. My *wife* is giving me directions.
Gibbs: [on phone to Abby] Put McGee on.
Abby: [to McGee] He wants you.
McGee:: How'd he know I was here?
Abby: Because he's Gibbs.
MTAC Control Officer: Where's Gibbs?
McGee: Who needs to know?
MTAC Control Officer: I'm the new senior MTAC control officer. Where is he?
McGee: Why, he is in the field.
MTAC Control Officer: The Director's office called. In five minutes, the Deputy Secretary of State, Anna Elliot...
McGee: Wha... wha... the Deputy Secretary... of the United States?
MTAC Control Officer: No. Norway.
Jeffrey: You look mad! Why are you mad? We survived.
Tony: Surviving in two feet of water is not a heroic accomplishment!
Episode 2.11 "Black Water"
Tony: Hurry it up, Probie!
McGee: You sure this is necessary? I kind of feel like a dork!
Tony: You are a dork!
McGee: I’m not surprised you haven’t heard of it. There’s no pictures in it.
Tony: Did you say something, Probie?
McGee: Yeah. I’m not a dork."
Tony: Whatever you say, Sponge Bob.
Jimmy: Did you ever meet any of special agent Gibbs' wives?
Ducky: Actually, I presented him to the last one.
Jimmy: What went wrong?
Ducky: I don't know, she doesn't speak to me anymore.
McGee (trying to open the door): Boss, it's locked.
Gibbs: Well yeah, McGee, that's kind of the point of having doors.
Ducky: Do you suspect foul play?
Gibbs: Oh, you know me, Duck... I suspect everything.
Ducky: Yes, an admirable trait in an investigator. And also the reason your three marriages ended in divorce.
Gibbs: Oh yeah? All these years I thought it was because I was a b*****.
McAllister: I'm sure you hear this a lot. I'm innocent, Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: I know.
Cooper: [from observation] What the h*** kind of interrogation is that?
Gibbs: [referring to Abby's loud music] Your speakers are broken.
Abby: Oh, Gibbs. That was the best part of the song.
Gibbs: Correction. Your ears are broken.
Abby" The bullet's entry angle into the side of the door is as obvious as Anna Nicole's implants.
Gibbs: Who?
Abby: You know, married that old guy? Had a TV show? Got fat, got thin, got fat, got thin, fat, thin...
Gibbs: Stop.
Abby: Right.
Tony: Why don't we just drag McAllister in for questioning, boss?
Gibbs: Because his lawyers make more in one hour than you make all week.
Tony: Ah, that's an excellent point. So, you're saying that I deserve a raise.
Tony: So because I grew up with money, that somehow makes me bad. Very deep.
Kate: Well, it's better than having to work every day, like I had to.
Tony: Listen, you think money makes life easier, huh? Everything was just a big old cakewalk for little Anthony DiNozzo? Tell me, Kate, 'cause I really want to know.
Kate: I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't mean anything by it.
Tony: 'Cause you want to know the answer to your question? Yes, money makes a huge difference, huge. I miss it every single day of my life, so much it makes me want to cry!
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: It's part of my charm.
Tony: Ha-ha, you know what movie this reminds me of Kate?
Kate: The Wizard of Oz?
Abby: I'll get you my pretty.
Tony: No, I meant the one they make you watch in high school, thirty minutes of cops pulling dead teenagers out of car wrecks.
Abby: Oh my Gosh! I love those: Blood on the Highway, Drink, Drive, Die. I keep hoping they're going to release them on DVD.
Episode 2.12 "Doppelgänger"
McGee: Where are we going, Boss?
Gibbs: To talk to Petty Officer Lambert’s shipmates.
McGee: He’s not on a ship, Boss. Oh, sorry. You were using a military euphemism.
Gibbs: You think?
McGee: So you mean Bethesda Hospital Computer Center.
Gibbs: You speak their language.
McGee: You mean I’m going to interview them?
Gibbs: I interview, you translate. Come on!
Abby: No one gets everything right the first time, McGee. Except Gibbs.
(Gibbs is giving Karen Wilkerson a sanding lesson in his basement. Wilkerson would prefer to use power tools. Gibbs has her close her eyes and make another long pass with the sander.)
Gibbs: Feel the wood?"
(Wilkerson nods yes.)
Gibbs: You don't get a sensation like that from a power tool
(She thinks about that for a moment and then they both laugh.)
Monteleone: Oh no... wait a minute, wait a minute. No, no, no. I’ve never paid for it in my life.
Kate: Uh huh.
Monteleone: OK, I was fifteen and my cousin Ando paid Maggie O’Brien for the both of us, so that doesn’t count.
Kate: Yes it does, Tony!
Monteleone: I'm Primo.
Kate: Sorry. I can’t tell you apart.
Rapp: Shotgun!
Monteleone (slapping Miller upside the head): Get in, Probie.
Kate (watching from a distance): It's deja vu!
McGee: You just ruled out both suspects.
Abby: No, I didn't. I just proved someone smoked Llamas at Rock Creek park. (he calls Gibbs) (Cut to Gibbs making out with Karen. He picks up the phone)
Gibbs: Gibbs.
McGee: Boss. I don't know if this is important, but--
Gibbs: McGee, this better be the most important phone call you make in your life.
Abby: That's the thing McGee, you're so trusting.
McGee: And that's bad?
Abby: No, that's good...in a relationship. In an investigation, not so much. (McGee frowns.)
Abby: Aw, poor baby. (Abby kisses the back of his head, McGee grins)
Rapp: Your ex-wife called.
Cheney: Which one?
Rapp: The nasty one.
Cheney: You're going to have to be more specific.
Episode 2.13 "The Meat Puzzle"
Tony: I just got done playing furniture mover for this slightly demented old lady, and her pack of yappin hounds!
Kate: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger?
Gibbs: Illya Kuryakin.
McGee: Now all we have to do is scan 800,000 miles of satellite imagery and pray we get lucky.
Abby: I am a scientist, McGee. Luck has nothing to do with it and/or us.
McGee: Okay, then how do you explain something like Gibbs' gut?
Abby: Well, that's easy: Gibbs is lucky.
McGee: But... but you just said that...
Abby: He's not a scientist.
Gibbs: I want you to stick to him...
Kate: Like glue... I've got it.
Gibbs: Like an ex-wife after an alimony check.
Abby: I am one of the few people in the world who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.
Tony: I'd show you the secret handshake, but then I would have to kill you.
Tony: Hahahaha! Sweet smell of freedom!
Gibbs: Mrs. Mallard?
Tony: Sleeping.Her usual afternoon fistful of afternoon Wild Turkey.Her last words to me where either 'I'm gonna slit your throat' or 'kiss your moat'.I couldn't tell because she was slurring.
Gibbs: (smiling) That's good work, Tony.
Tony:Thank you, boss.So who's taking over for me now?
Gibbs: Kates on protection duty with Ducky.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: McGees going with me to interveiw the guy who delivered the barrel.
Tony: Yeah?
Gibbs: (gives him a look) I guess that leaves you.
Tony: Me? Boss, I just spent all day playing furniture mover for this slightly demented old lady and her pack of yapping hounds!
Gibbs: They're not hounds, Dinozzo.They're Corgis.
Tony: No boss! No boss! I'm on the verge, man!
(McGee and Gibbs start getting in the car)
Tony: McGee? Boss I'm gonna go postal! I'm not kidding, I'm this close! (puts thumb and finger less than an inch apart.)
(Tony arrives at the Mallard household to watch over Ducky's mother)
Mrs. Mallard: (peering out the partially-open door) Yes?
Tony: I'm Anthony DiNozzo, Mrs. Mallard. I work with your son? He called... said I was coming over?
Mrs. Mallard: (smiles) You're Italian!
Tony: Heh, yes, I am.
Mrs. Mallard: (opens the door) You're a gigolo!
Tony: Uh, well, I wouldn't exactly...
Mrs. Mallard: You move furniture!
Tony: ...I could.
Mrs. Mallard: I have a commode. It's too big for here... it belongs in the lounge. I tell Donald this, he never listens! Tony: I understand. Okay. (walks into the house) If you could show me where you want... (the corgis start growling as he enters, and Mrs. Mallard looks wary again, making him hesitate)
Mrs. Mallard: (frowns) Who are you...
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo. Everyone calls me Tony.
Mrs. Mallard: That's an Italian name!
Tony: Yes, it is... if you could just show me where you...
Mrs. Mallard: You're a gigolo!
Mrs. Mallard: If you look down my blouse, I shall disembowel you.
Tony: (chuckles) Heh uh... that's funny.
Mrs. Mallard: I have a knife in my brassiere.
Tony: ...I'll keep that in mind.
Mrs. Mallard: (smiles) Good! (pauses) Who are you, again?
Jimmy: I'm thinking something crazy Abby.
Abby: Crazy is good.
Episode 2.14 "Witness"
Gibbs: Any more food fights in here and I'm joining in. With peas.
Kate: Frozen peas?
Gibbs: Nope. In a can.
Gibbs: McGee! If you're going to shoot him, you should have done it while he was still running.
(Gibbs shuts off Abby's music)
Abby: Hey!
Gibbs: Geez!
Abby: Don't mess with my music!
(Kate just got off the phone and she is holding her jaw)
McGee: You okay?
Kate: Yeah... no... I hate going to the dentist. I've had a phobia since I was a child, and now I need a root canal.
McGee: That doesn't sound like fun.
Kate: Uh... I've canceled my appointment three times!
(Kate is taking pills and Gibbs walks in)
Gibbs: Root Canal?
Kate: (nods) I have an appointment with the dentist in the morning.
Gibbs: You gonna keep it this time?
Gibbs: (Tony used an unorthodox way of getting evidence) You may not admire his methods, but you gotta love the results.
Gibbs: It's a convertible sofa. Slept on one once for seven months.
Tony: That would be after the third wife. (Gibbs looks at him.) That would be none of my business.
McGee: What do you got, Abs?
Abby: (to Gibbs) Do I have to answer the newbie?
Gibbs: Humor him.
Kate: A dear John, by email? What a calculating witch. She gives all women a bad name.
Tony: I'm never getting married, there's no up side to it.
Kate: That's not true. Statistically, married men live longer.
Tony: They don't actually live longer, it just seems longer.
Kate: You're so cynical.
Tony: Am I? Marriage was never intended to last more than a few years.
Kate: And where did you get that?
Tony: Anthropology 101. The concept was invented by cavemen with a life expectancy of 25 years. "Til death do us part" meant four or five years tops.
Kate: (laughing) That was very enlightening Di'Nozzo, and I do understand now. You think like a neanderthal.
Tony: (to McGee) Some advice? You can sit there and second guess what you should or shouldn't have done. And never get the answer. Or you can get back on the job and catch the b******.
(Tony is catching peanuts in his mouth)
Kate: You are so....
Tony: Coordinated?
Kate: Adolescent.
Tony: I prefer the term fun loving. (throws a peanut at Kate)
Kate: Oh...
Tony: Haha.
Kate: (Throws a carrot stick at him)
Tony: Oh...Hey!...Food fight! (They throw things at each other.)
McGee: Guys. (no answer) Guys.Guys! (They stop and look at him) Please. I'm trying to write.
Kate: Sorry, McGee.
Tony: Need any help?
McGee: No thank you. Just some quiet.
Tony: No problema... Shhh....(loudly) Remember your first... Shhh. (Quieter) Remember your first report, Kate.
Kate: Yes. Gibbs made me rewrite it, twice. Felt like I was in grammar school again. Are you gonna pick up those carrot sticks?
Tony: I didn't throw any carrot sticks.
Kate: Can't stand working in a pig sty.
Tony: Oink, oink... He only made ya redo it twice?
Kate: I forgot to spell check.
Tony: Huh.
Kate: How many times Tony?
Tony: Can I catch a peanut in my mouth without missing?
Kate: Ha. Did you have to redo your first report for Gibbs?
Tony: A few.
Kate: What's a few?
Gibbs: (enters) Five. Woulda been more but I took pity on him.
Kate: Ohh.
Gibbs: (puts McGee's report on his desk) McGee. Good job. Send it up to the director.
McGee: Will do boss.
Gibbs: (as he's leaving) Any more food fights in here and I'm joining in. With peas.
Kate: Frozen peas?
Gibbs: Nope. In the can.
(Kate and Tony walk over to McGee's desk)
Tony: (reading) Dear Mr. and Mrs. Kendall...
Kate: It's a sympathy note.
Tony: That's nice McGee.
Kate: It's very nice.
(McGee smiles)
Episode 2.15 "Caught On Tape"
Tony: You're a Spike Steel fan aren't you, Probie?
McGee: The porn star?
Tony: (Sarcastically) No, the physicist.
Tony: Nice hat.
Kate: Attractive.
McGee: In a weird way.
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: Somebody did a Barry Bonds on Sgt. Moore's head Gibbs
Gibbs: What do you think?
Kate: The word disgusting comes to mind.
Gibbs: Do you smell that?
Kate: If you mean the urine's, then YEH.
Tony: Looks like we're gonna play Gibbs' favorite game.
Abby: (enthusiastically) Musical Interrogation Rooms!
Kate: What is wrong with you people?
Gibbs: (steps in) Good question, Kate.
Runion: [Gibbs snuck up behind a hiding suspect] How, how'd ya.....?
Gibbs: Sneak up on you like that?
Runion: Yeah.
Gibbs: Used to do it for a living. Back then you'd be dead, instead of under arrest... Any other questions?
Runion Un-uh.
McGee: People are staring at me.
Tony: Of course. You're hideously disfigured Probie. If you had listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess.
McGee: If I had listened to you, Gibbs would have fired me 6 months ago.
(Tony raises hand, then stops)
McGee: You were gonna smack me, but you stopped.
Tony: I remember what it was like being the new guy. Never fitting in. Besides... there's the obvious..
McGee: You like me?
Tony: No. It would be like touching a leper.
Tony: I'm practicing, Kate.
Kate: What, annoying me?
Tony: No, the creepy way Gibbs used to sneak up on us.
Kate: What do you mean used to?
Tony: The old man's been wearing Bengay lately. I can smell him coming a mile away.
Gibbs: (from behind Tony) Is that a fact, DiNozzo?
Tony: (winces) Knee feeling better, boss?
Gibbs: Much. (grins at Tony's discomfort)
Abby: Gibbs, do you have a camcorder?
Gibbs: Yeah. Digital, okay?
Abby: Good, Gibbs, Way to go! D'you make the move to CD's yet? 'Cause if you didn't, it's cool. 'Cause all the hot DJs, they use vinyl these days anyway.
Gibbs: Just get it to me.
Abby: Hey, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs! (Gibbs turns and looks at her) Peace out man.
Episode 2.16 "Pop Life"
Willie: "She’s cute. Yeah, she’s hot. I don’t know about you but I sleep with a lot of women, so…"
Tony: "I wouldn’t know anything about that, Willie. I’m a Mormon"
Willie: "Oh. Oh, I’m sorry. I think it could be this one right here. You know, I was really drunk, so…"
Gibbs: "Sit down. You’re going to have to do better"
Willie: "Look man, I’m doing the best I can, all right? All right. All right… yeah, I think it’s her"
Tony: "Summer Diamond. Very hot"
Gibbs: "You think this is her?!"
Tony: "Look, there’s always something about every woman that you remember. Something small and subtle. Something you’re going to remember twenty years later; a piece of jewelry, a laugh, something. A smell…"
Kate: "Uh! I feel like I died and woke up in a Calvin Klein ad"
Willie: "I thought you were a Mormon?"
Tony: "Concentrate, Willie!"
Tony: I knew this girl once. She squeaked. She made this little squeaking...
Kate: Tony! You want to tell Ducky that story?
Gibbs: He's heard it. We all have.
Tony: (focusing on strippers behind) How's that?
Abby: Well it's art but we kinda need a shot of her face.
Tony: Suspect claims he went to bed with one woman and woke up with another.
Abby: That happens to girls too.
Abby: You know you didn't have to yell at him.Jimmy is terified of you now.
McGee: He is? Cool.
Tony: Maybe she has a funky side. We all have a funky side. Except Kate. (Kate elbows him) And you boss. You don't have a funky side, I'm sure.
Gibbs: Are you done?
Tony: Almost.
Gibbs: Done or fired. Those are your options.
Tony: Done.
Episode 2.17 "An Eye For An Eye"
McGee: Hey, you know what this reminds me of? Pacci’s suspect that we were staking out last year.
Kate: That’s right! The beautiful pre-op transsexual who seduced Tony.
Tony: She didn’t seduce me. I was undercover.
Kate: Yeah, well didn’t you stick your tongue down…
Tony: I took one for the team, all right? Someone had to keep her occupied.
McGee: Don’t you mean him?
Kate: There was a time I would have killed for a pair of eyes like that.
Tony: You think she was a blonde or a brunette?
Kate: What difference does it make?
Tony: I love brunettes. I’ll bet she was beautiful.
Kate: Are you telling me that you’re attracted to a disembodied set of eyeballs?
Tony: Weird, huh?
Kate: More like disturbing.
Tony: "Is this the local bridge club? Ah, it’s not the tropics, but at least it’s warm"
Kate: "Actually, it is the tropics, Tony"
Tony: "Really? "
Kate: "The Tropic of Capricorn to be exact"
Tony: "Huh. Tropics smell kind of funny to you, Kate?"
Kate: I need a vacation!
Colonel: I got your email Gibbs. I must say I was shocked. When did you learn to use a computer?!
Tony: A dead transsexual sailor, his spook instructor and a pair of human eyes walk into a bar. What's the punch line, Kate?
Kate: Whatever it is, it involves this girl (girl shows up on the plasma screen) and Paraguay.
Tony: That's true, but not very funny. Probie, make me laugh!
McGee: (a bit thoughtful) Okay..
McGee: Yeah, the bartender doesn't believe it, so he asks the spook instructor, "What the hell is going on?". And the guy says, "What? A guy can't have a drink with his pupils?"
Tony: I love brunettes.
Tony: Gibbs wants us to follow him.
Kate: Why?
Tony: Does it matter?
Landlady: Now how does a fine man like that stay single?
Kate: He didn't. He's been married three times.
Kate: Wake up.
Tony: I am awake.
Kate: Could you turn on the heat up, please? My butt's freezing.
Tony: Can't. Smoke from the tailpipe will give away our position.
Kate: Great, can't feel my legs, here.
Tony: We could do what the Eskimos do to keep warm.
Kate: What's that?
Tony: They press their bodies together. Of course the affect is grealy improved if they're naked.
Kate: There isn't enough liquor on the planet to make that happen, Tony.
Tony: I wasn't suggesting the naked part. But if you want to freeze, freeze.
Abby: You're getting sneakier the older you get.
Gibbs: Not to mention better looking.
Ducky: Has head slapping been effective for you?
Gibbs: Yeah, look at the way DiNozzo turned out.
Episode 2.18 "Bikini Wax"
Kate: "Gibbs would never walk in here and tells us how much he paid for his shirt."
Tony: "That's because the prices have been pretty consistent at Sears since the late seventy's."
Tony: "Hey, Boss have you had a chance to sign off on the missing persons report I gave you..."
Gibbs: "No DiNozzo I haven't. Tried to get to it last night, but Sears was havin' a sale."
Kate: "Give it five seconds."
McGee: "Until what?"
Kate: "Until he notices there's a..."
Tony : "Bikini contest!"
Palmer: "Something wrong Doctor?"
Ducky; "Her head is in the toilet Mr. Palmer."
Kate: (refering to a book the cover of which sports a, shall we say, rather large man) "Battling the Bulge by Jeff Drikson. Looks to me like Jeff is losing the battle."
Tony: She was pregnant McGee. There's only one way that can happen...
{about getting the petty officer's mail}
Gibbs: How long will it take?
Kate: 2...maybe 3 days tops.
Gibbs: You got four.
Kate: {excited} Four days?
Gibbs: No, hours.
Kate: That sounds about right...
Suspect: Why am I here?
Gibbs: Because killing people is illegal.
(standing over body with her head in the toilet)
Tony: That is one h*** of a Swirly.
McGee: Swirly?
Tony: You take a kid by the ankles dunk him in the toilet then flush. Usually reserved for dorks. Does it look familiar, Probie?
McGee: I don't think so. Noogies sure, wedgies, occasional melvin but no.
Gibbs: If you two don't start working I'll show you hazing, and the Marine Corps does not do wedgies or noogies or melvins.
Tony: Thank you boss.
Abby: I compared them to the prints that Tony and McGee got from the beach restroom. They didn’t jive.
McGee: We must’ve lifted hundred of prints. You sure you ran them all?
Abby: No, McGee. About midway through I got tired so I just said “Screw it”.
Kate: Does that say "Sex Wax"?
Abby: That it does. It comes in Cool, Warm and Tropical.
McGee: How does it work?
Tony: Don't worry about it, Probie. Pretty sure you still need a girl first.
Gibbs: What the h*** is that?
McGee: I believe it's an Escalade, boss.
Gibbs: The wheels, McGee.
McGee: Oh, the rims are called spinners.
Gibbs: What's the point?
McGee: It's a hip hop thing.
Gibbs: The more I know the less I understand.
Abby: Do you know how small a molecule is?
McGee: I do.
Abby: Shut up McGee.
Tony: I really like this new Abby.
Episode 2.19 "Conspiracy Theory"
Tony: "A lot of overachievers and perfectionist lose it. My uncle ran a fortune five hundred company until they found him digging up holes in a golf course looking for Mole people."
Gibbs: "Hey, make sure he didn't do any of that virus goat rope crap to my....my thing."
McGee: "Goat rope?"
Tony: "Marine term Probie."
Kate: "It means half way between Fubar and Snafu."
McGee: "Ok, what's a Fubar?"
Kate and Tony: "You are"
Gibbs: You told me Petty Officer Smith was like a daughter to you?
Vetter: What's that got to do with this?
Gibbs: Considering you're sleeping with her, a lot.
Catherine: Are you a virgin?
McGee: No.
Catherine: Are you sure?
Abby: It's complicated.
Gibbs: You don't know do you?
Abby: Not a clue.
Gibbs: Why? (Looks at blow up doll dressed in Abby's clothes)
Abby: Well I was bored and I thought she needed a little personality.
(Tony walks in and sees Fornell sitting at Gibbs' desk)
Tony: I thought you were dead Fornell."
Fornell: I got better.
Tony: Does Gibbs know you're sitting at his desk?
Fornell: Just checking my email.Don't think he'll mind.
Tony: (to McGee) How long as he been here?
McGee: Since I got in.
(Kate comes in and joins them.)
Kate: (about Fornell) Isn't he supposed to be dead?
Tony: He got better.
Kate: Does Gibbs know he's setting at his desk.
Tony: No.
Kate: Oh, this is gonna be---
Tony: Great!
(Gibbs walks in and walks over to his desk)
Gibbs: Comfortable, Fornell?
Fornell: Not really, there's no lower back support. And you really should get a password for you computer.
Gibbs: (shows him his gun) That's what this is for.
Abby: Correct as always my silver-haired fox - I mean Gibbs, sir, boss.
(Gibbs and Fornell are about to interrogate a suspect)
McGee: So what's the plan, good cop/bad cop?
Kate: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.
McGee: Which one's which?
Kate: I think you'll have to ask their ex-wives that one.
Witten: I have a degree in Clinical Psychology. Do you have any expertise in the area, Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: No. No I do not... just a BS meter.
Gibbs: What are you doing here Tobias?
Fornell: Can't an old friend just stop by?
Gibbs: Well you are old, I'll give you that.
Gibbs: You oughta try building a boat with hand tools after a couple shots of Jack.
Tony: (doing sit ups) 13...15...17...19...
Kate: Did you lose something down there, DiNozzo?
Tony: 99...100... Just doing my morning exercise.
Kate: Right. So how old's this one?
Tony: Why does it always have to be about a woman Kate?
Kate: Uh...cause we're talking about you.
McGee: Got your favorite here. Bacon, sausage, cheese, breakfast burrito.
Tony: (Sniffs). I'll pass. Too much fat.
McGee: Must be really young.
Abby: Oh, she is.
Tony: I don't think they need to know about this Abs.
Abby: She's um....5' 10", blonde hair, long legs, and gianormous headlights.
Tony: (looks at her) The last part was really necessary?
Abby: That's what you called them.
Tony: She didn't look like she was faking to me.
Kate: Something tells me you say that a lot-
Tony: Kate, when they pour cold water over your chest, doesn't that make you sorta... (shakes a little)
Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo! You do that again, I will put my boot so far up your a**...!
Kate: There's no way he did it. Look at his reaction.
Tony: Maybe he's just a good actor.
Kate: Nobody's that good.
Tony: (reaches inside jacket) I've been thinking Kate....about the photo. I'm sorry. I mean, you know I'd never give it out, right?! In fact, I'm going to delete it right now.
Kate: Really?
Tony: Uh-huh.
Kate: Thank you Tony. That would be a huge relief.
(Tony flashes it as he puts it back in his pocket)
Kate: What are you doing?
Tony: Acting, Kate. It's not that hard.
Episode 2.20 "Red Cell"
Abby: "You may be smart, but my geek carries a gun!"
Tony: "George Clooney could not get laid in this place!"(refering to McGee's apartment)
Kate: "The place needs a lot of work McGee."
Tony: "At least you're not building a boat in your basement."
Kate: "I hate to say it but that was actually smart, Tony"
Gibbs:" What was, Kate?"
Kate: "Tony might have figured out how to find the hacker"
Gibbs:" It’s his job. You think I keep him around for his personality?"
Kate:The resentment of The Coalition Alliance Team for Peace, Gibbs.
Tony: CAT-P (pronounced 'cat pee'). Not a very attractive acronym.
Kate: "God, you’re pathetic. Gotta move on, DiNozzo. They’re over"
Tony: "What’s over?"
Kate: "Your glory years. They’ve passed you by. It’s time you retired the beer bong"
Tony: "Ouch, Kate. Ouch"
Gibbs: Tell Abby I want her.
Abby: Oh, Gibbs, I never knew!
Tony: There's definitely something wrong with this guy.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Listens to folk music
Kate: (to McGee after she and Tony invade his apartment) We thought we'd observe you in your natural environment.
Tony: Kinda like watching National Geographic. (narrating) We watch slowly as we observe McGee by the watering hole, followed by hyenas.
(When Tony and Kate first get into McGee's apartment)
Tony: Told you he was a boxers guy.
Kate: Man McGee. I thought for sure you were a tighty whitey Man.
Tony: Hi ladies! (pause) God, I miss college.
Kate: (after saying she knew someone smarter then McGee) I was talking about Abby, do-do head.
Gibbs: You find my hacker yet?
Tony: McGee's upstairs working on it.
Gibbs: I didn't ask McGee. I asked my Senior Field Agent. I want that hacker! (walks out the room)
Tony: Did you hear that, Palmer?
Palmer: He sounded pretty upset.
Tony: No. (smiles) He called me his Senior Field Agent. Finally.
Kate: Some how I don't remember college being quite like this.
Tony: Reminds me of time at Ohio State, we had this frat guy who...
Gibbs: [bloody and out of breath from a fight] The next person who mentions the Spring Break, or a frat party, or College... is fired! Are we clear?
Tony/Kate:Yes.
Suspect: Ow! You're hurting me!
McGee: You hear something Tony?
Tony: No.
McGee: Me neither.
Gibbs: (Ducky was going to demonstrate breaking someone's neck on Palmer) I'll do it, Duck.
Tony: This oughta be fun.
Gibbs: On you.
Tony: Is that really necessary?
Gibbs: It'll be fun.
(After McGee and Abby have a slight argument and have stuck their tongues out at each other)
Gibbs: Oh, so glad to see you two don't need adult supervision.
Gunny: Sometimes I feel like a kindergarten teacher.
Gibbs: Oh yeah. I'm familiar with the sentiment.
Episode 2.21 "Hometown Hero"
Kate: "Tony’s car was towed. Poor baby had to take the bus to work"
Tony: "You know what kind of people take the bus?"
McGee: "Yeah, I take the bus"
Tony: "Exactly!"
Tony: "Gibbs is a boat man. He doesn’t understand I have to have my car"
McGee: "They’re giving you a rental. DiNozzo, what’s the big deal? "
Tony:" It’s not the same, busboy. My car is part of my being"
Kate: "It’s a car, Tony"
Tony:" It’s a classic, Kate. It’s a Ninety Z.R. One Corvette. It’s powerful, it’s fast, it’s gorgeous"
Kate: (sarcastically) "In other words, it’s you"
Tony:" Exactly!"
Tony: "Do you realize Mother Teresa would have road rage hell out there?"
McGee:" I know it’s a long shot"
Tony: "A long shot is you getting laid by Penelope Cruz, McGee!"
Tony: "They Came to Cordura"
McGee: "What?"
Tony: It’s a film"
McGee: Of course"
Tony: "Gary Cooper!"
McGee: "Who? "
Tony: "One of the greatest actors of all time. Coop. High Noon. They Came to Cordura was one of his last pictures. Stay with me here. It’s nineteen sixteen. The war against Pancho Villa. Coop plays an Army Major escorting Rita Hayworth – ooh, what a body – and four Medal of Honor winners back to Texas for this ceremony. And along the way, he tries to determine what made them heroes"
(doors slide open)
Tony: In the end, he exposes them for what they really are… corrupt, pathetic, hypocritical, cowardly degenerates"
McGee: "DiNozzo, it’s a movie"
Tony: "It’s a film. And you’re taking the stairs, McGee"
McGee: "Why?"
Tony: "Because I am not riding in an elevator with anyone who doesn’t know who Gary Cooper was!"
Palmer: "Sorry about your weekend."
Abby: "Tony?"
Palmer: "Yeah, mass email. The sender was "anonymous" but it was pretty obvious..."
Abby: "There's a certain MIT grad that's suppose to be fixing it but he's actually making it worse."
Gibbs: "Sooner than later, McGee. "
Abby and Palmer are in Abby's lab discussing a massage siminar that Palmer attended. Palmer says something that triggers Abby to ask if he knows 'the art' of a certain massage. When he says yes:
Abby: "Your hands my body now."
(Palmer massages Abby's shoulders, Tony walks in)
Palmer: "It wasn’t like that."
Tony: "It never is. Now go, you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here!"
(McGee is describing his first car)
McGee: "84 Camaro. 8 24Z high speed."
Tony: "That’s a smoking hot car!"
McGee: "Yeah."
Tony: "What the hell went wrong with you?"
Tony: "Massages?"
Abby: "Many kinds."
Tony: "Uh. Full body?"
Abby: "Places you could only dream of, DiNozzo."
Tony: "Masseuses or masseur?"
Abby: "I go both ways. You?"
Tony: "Only with (reading caller ID) Harris, my insurance agent."
Abby: "Whatever works, man."
Gibbs walks away while Ducky is explaining about pelvis bone growth
Palmer: Doctor
Ducky continues to talk. Palmer tries to indicate that Gibbs left
Ducky: What is so urgent Palmer?
Palmer: Its just that he…he
Ducky: He? Who?
Palmer: Special Agent Gibbs
Ducky: What about him?
Palmer: He left doctor
Ducky: Yes, I know he left. He left some time ago. Have you only just realized that.
Palmer: No
Ducky: Then why mention him now?
Gibbs: They're holding Petty Officer Dobbs' body for you at the Dover morgue.
Ducky: I don't get it, I thought he died in combat.
Gibbs: I need you to take a look, Ducky.
Ducky: What do you expect me to find?
Gibbs: Nothing. I just need to buy more time.
Ducky: Oh, Jethro, I can spend forever finding nothing.
Coleman: Dobbs died as a result of enemy fire in Iraq. What bearing does that have on a girl who was killed two years ago in Richfield, Virginia?
Gibbs: You can never be too thorough.
Coleman: You're pushing it, Gibbs. Why are you sticking your neck out for this guy?
Gibbs: Several marines witness Petty Officer Dobbs, saving lives. No one witnessed him taking one!
McGee: I was trying to figure out the wipers. Took my eyes off the road for a second, looked up. There it was. Right in front of me.
Tony: Car?
McGee: Bus.
(Tony gasps)
McGee: I got a student pass the day I got out of traction.
Tony: (hugs McGee) I didn't know.
Palmer: (watching Abby try to work the kinks out of her neck) You know the inefficient flow of chi is a major source of stiffness. (Abby looks at him, interested) Oh, a silent auction item at my niece's school benefit. A weekend seminar in the art of shiatsu.
Abby: Do me.
Palmer: Uh, no, I showed up late.
Abby: Your hands, my body now.
(Palmer massages Abby, Tony walks in and slaps him upside the head)
Tony: What the hell are you doing, Palmer?
Palmer: I, I, I...
Tony: You've read the agency policy on sexual harassment, didn't you, Palmer?
Palmer: It wasn't like that!
Tony: It never is. Now go, you little autopsy gremlin. Get out of here!
Abby: He's doing it again, McGee.
McGee: Mm-hmm.
Tony: Doing what?
Abby: You become Gibbs when he's not around.
Tony: I do not.
McGee: Actually, you do.
Abby: The Caf-Pow, the head-slaps, turning my music off. "What do you got, Abbs?"
McGee: He has been in a foul mood all day.
Abby: That's another Gibbs trait. You don't quite have the stare down yet.
Abby: Do you think he's gonna want us to hang around?
McGee: I don't know. I can't imagine there's anything that can't wait 'til tomorrow.
Abby: Go ask him.
McGee: You ask him.
Abby: You're the Special Agent.
McGee: No, he likes you more.
Abby: That's because I don't ask him stupid questions. Rock paper scissors?
McGee: On three.
Abby: One.. two..
Gibbs: Something on your mind?
Abby/McGee: No.
Gibbs: You weren't thinking about leaving, were ya?
Abby: No.
McGee: Absolutely not, no.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, same clothes you wore yesterday?
Tony: I buy a lot of same things, it makes mornings less stressful. (into the phone) Yeah I'm here!
Gibbs: (hanging up the phone) Now you're gone.
Abby: First of all, you owe me big time. It took Kate and me six months to get the reservations to that spa.
Gibbs: You tell me you found something, and I'll think about making it up to you.
Abby: Typical man. Promise you everything until he gets what he wants. Right, McGee?
McGee: Well, actually I..
Abby: Thanks, McGee.
Episode 2.22 "SWAK"
Tony: "Hey Kate, did you tell Brad about that wet t-shirt contest you won?"
Kate: "Did you tell Nurse Emma about the transsexual you tongued?"
Tony: (To 'Nurse Emma')"That never happened."
Tony: "Kate's never been sake bombing."
McGee: "Yeah, I don't think I have either"
Tony: (addressing the world at large, in wonder) "I work with a pair of wankers." (Gibbs walks up behind him)
Gibbs: "And you make three, DiNozzo."
(Gibbs asks Kate what is wrong with her and she says she has a cold)
Tony: "I have allergies"
Gibbs: "Never had allergies. Never had a cold either."
Kate: "You don't get colds?"
Gibbs: "Nope. Never had the flu either."
Kate: (whispers to DiNozzo) "Why do I believe him?"
Tony: "If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?"
McGee: "(I)Get colds all the time."
Tony: " 'Course you do, Probie."
(In the showers.)
Tony: "Who would send me a letter with anthrax?"
Kate: "Pick a girl, Tony. Any girl."
Tony: "That's not funny, Kate."
Kate: "Yeah, I know."
Tony: "This is serious."
Kate: "I know, Tony! I'm sorry."
Tony: "At this very instant, someone is incinerating my Ermenegildo Zegna suit, my Armani tie, my Dolce Gabbana shirt and my Gucci shoes!"
McGee: "You know, it might not be anthrax."
Tony: "I like the sound of that, Probie!"
McGee: "It could be smallpox, bubonic plague, cholera..."
Tony: "Probie!"
McGee: "...foot powder, face powder, talcum powder..."
Tony: "Honeydust!"
McGee: "Honeydust?"
Tony: "Honeydust. I give it to girls."
(Kate glares at him but she knows Tony can't see it. He knows it.)
Tony: "Women! Sorry, Kate. I give it to "women" at Christmastime. Very sensuous. You apply it with a feather."
Kate: (Chuckles) "You don't use the whole chicken?"
McGee: "I never heard of honeydust."
Kate: "Yeah, that's because your mother raised you to respect women, McGee."
Gibbs: "It makes a woman's skin feel silky smooth. When kissed, it tastes like honey."
(Everybody pokes their heads out of their showers and looks at Gibbs')
Gibbs: "Got a box of honeydust last Christmas. No card."
Tony: "Ah...I think the post office screwed up, boss. Somebody else got your bottle of Jack and you got their..."
(Tony is cut off by Kate)
Kate: "Hey! Doesn't the post office irradiate our mail?"
McGee: "Yeah, that's right! All federal mail is funneled through the Ion Beam facility at Bridgeport, New Jersey. If it has DNA, it dies."
Tony: "The diseases that you named, they-they have DNA?"
McGee: "They do."
Kate: "Oh, you should have let him squirm."
Tony: "Haha! Then, it's no worries!"
Gibbs: "Unless the post office screwed up again."
Gibbs: "Kate, play it safe.Go with Tony."
Kate:"That's safe?!!!"
Gibbs: (Smacks Tony on the head)
Tony: If I get Anthrax how would you feel?
Gibbs: Not as bad as you DiNozzo.
Kate: "I'm warning you DiNozzo. I do not feel well."
Tony: "You need to relax. You need a foot massage."
Kate: "I don't want you any where near my feet."
Tony: "You have pretty feet."
Kate: "I don't want you touching my feet."
Dr. Brad Pitt: "My name is Dr. Brad Pitt. Yes that is my real name and we are not related. I wish we were though. I'd love to meet Angelina Jolie."
(Kate giggles a little)
(They all start walking down the hallway)
Tony: "Of course if I had said that you would have…"
(Kate elbows him in the stomach)
Tony: "…elbowed me."
Ducky: "Where do you think you're going?"
Gibbs: "Find out who sent the letter."
Ducky: "You cannot leave autopsy! It's negative-pressured so airborne pathogens can't contaminate the the building."
Gibbs: "I've been scrubbed, sanitized for all I know, sterilized. I have an investigation to open."
Ducky: "I have a possible contagion to contain. Until your blood test clears you, I cannot permit you to leave this room."
McGee: "Wish I had my PDA."
Gibbs: "Use Ducky's."
Palmer: "Ah... Agent Gibbs, sir...Dr. Mallard doesn't have...."
Gibbs: "Requisition replacement cell phones and weapons for my team. Go!"
Palmer: "Pistols?"
Gibbs: "Well, no, Palmer, crossbows, if you think they might work better."
McGee: "Boss, I can't find Ducky's PDA."
Gibbs: "McGee, it's a pad and a pencil."
Abby: "You got to get a life, Gibbs."
Gibbs: "Last thing I need is another wife."
Abby: "Life. You got to get a life."
Gibbs: "I thought these tests were fast."
Abby: "It's not a pregnancy test."
Gibbs:(holding Dr.Pandy at gunpoint) You didn't create this beast?
Pandy: Yes, but only to develope a defence against it.Antibiotic-resitance diseases are potential terrorist weapons.
Gibbs:A terrorist isn't killing my agent, you are!
Pandy: I understand you're anger.
Gibbs:No, you don't.But if you don't save him you will!
McGee:(about Tony's test results) Positive? Well, is he gonna be okay?
Gibbs: If he isn't, he answers to me!
Gibbs: Tony, listen to me.....Are you listening?
Tony: I'm...listening.....boss.
Gibbs: You will not die.You got that?
(Tony doesn't answers so Gibbs give hims a light head-slap)
Gibbs: I said: You.Will not.Die.
Tony: I gotcha, boss.
Gibbs: (Puts Tony's cell in his hand) It's your new cell.I'd get the number changed.Woman keep calling for 'Spanky'.
Abby: You're so right Gibbs! I have this friend who is a transvestite and her lips could out-SWAK Angelina Jolie's. Remember McGee, you met her at my birthday party?
McGee: Oh yeah- the low cut red dress with the built in plastic...
Gibbs: (headslaps McGee)
Abby: I saw that, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Read, or you'll feel it!
Abby: (under her breath) Not while you're down there.
Gibbs: What?!
Gibbs: Oh, yeah, that's good thinkin', Abs.
Abby: (pretending not to hear): What?
Gibbs: Good thinking, Abby!
Abby: I don't know, Gibbs, I can't hear you it must be the---
Gibbs: Ah! (angrily signs something)
Abby: Not nice, Gibbs, not nice.
Tony: So, tell me Doc. What have I got?
Dr. Pitt: Pneumonic plague.
Tony: Plague? Plague..
Kate: (slightly angry) That's right Tony. Plague. 'Cause only you would go off and get a disease from the dark ages.
Tony: I didn't put plague in the letter.
Kate: You opened it!
Tony: Yeah. So I opened it. What are you so upset about? It's not like your lying... (he stops))
Kate: Yeah. That's right Travolta. I'm infected too.
Tony: Oh Kate, I'm sorry.
Kate: Well you're going to be sorry-ier.
Tony: No. Don't tell me Gibbs got it.
Gibbs: You serve the warrant, I'll shove my Sig in her face.
Ducky: There was a time where every woman of breeding was taught caligraphy. My mother still tries but her hand shakes. So even I have trouble reading her missives.
Gibbs: Can you read this missive Ducky?
Episode 2.23 "Twilight"
Tony: "Boss, you remember when I said I never felt better? .... I lied"
Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro? That’s very dramatic. What was the first?
Gibbs: When you married my second wife.
Fornell: You could have warned me.
Gibbs: I did.
Fornell: In my own defense, I thought he was exaggerating. He wasn’t.
(After Tony contracts Plague and recovers, he is out on sick leave. It is at this time that we find McGee and Kate in the bullpen. They are talking about what a jerk he is and the many reasons they have to dislike him, They stop trash-talking him abruptly.)
McGee: Do you miss him as much as I do?
Kate: More.
McGee: I thought you said he was pig-headed. ('Pig-headed' is not the adjective used, but, I do not remember the correct adjective so, feel free to revise it.)
Kate: That's part of his charm- he's like an X-rated Peter Pan.
Tony: "Me and Kate? Never happen."
McGee: "Why not?"
Tony: "She's too smart for that."
Kate: If you're going to come with us, you're wearing a [bullet-proof] vest.
Gibbs: I can live with that.
Kate: That's kind of the point, Gibbs.
Kate: "D***-it, Tony. I should just take you home and get you in bed." (Ducky and Tony look at her) "Okay, that didn't come out like I intended."
Gibbs: "Tony..."
Tony: "Yeah?"
Gibbs: "Go lie down before you pass out."
Tony: "I'm not going to pass out. I might cry a little, maybe feel sorry for myself, but DiNozzos do not pass out! I'm comin' Boss."
Ari: "An Al Qaeda cell is planning an attack in Washington. I'm here to stop it."
Gibbs: "Yeah? Where's the cell located?"
Ari: "I don't know."
Gibbs: "Where's the cell located?"
Ari: "Wish I knew."
Gibbs: "You're doing a hell of a job for a Mossad double agent."
Ari: "How's Caitlin, by the way? I've thought of her often since my last visit."
Gibbs: "Go near her, and I don't care what government agency's watching your back, I will kill you this time."
Tony: "You're never going to believe who's back in town."
Gibbs: "Ari."
Tony: "Maybe you will. Fornell said that he's here to..."
Gibbs: "Kill me. Yeah. I know. I just had coffee with him."
Tony: "So... what happened?"
Gibbs: "He tried to kill me."
Morrow: "I will now hand you over to our federally certified protective custody expert, Agent Todd. I hear she used to protect the President. You should be flattered."
(to Kate) "He's all yours."
(to Gibbs) "I expect you to follow her orders to the letter, as if they were mine."
Kate: "That last part? He meant it."
(later)
Kate:"In home, two teams, six-hour shifts. Alternating radio checks every ten minutes. Outside, I want a mobile foot patrol and two permanent observation posts."
Tony: "Gibbs is not gonna like that."
Kate: "Well, screw what he likes, Tony. I'm not going to let that psycho within five miles of Gibbs. McGee, I need full audio and video surveillance, inside and out. Everything tied back in MTAC."
Tim: "You got it, Kate."
Gibbs: "Go home. It's late."
Kate: "Uh, Gibbs, I don't think we're gonna be going home."
Gibbs: "I'm staying here. I do not need an army of agents staying up all night watching me build a boat."
Kate/dreaming Ari killed Gibbs/: "Gibbs!"
Tony: "You dream about Gibbs?"
Kate: "What? No. God, no."
Tony: "You just said his name."
Kate: "No, I didn't."
Tony: "Yes, you did."
McGee: "What's going on?"
Tony: "Kate dreamed about Gibbs."
McGee: "Oh, what was it about?"
Kate: "No, I didn't dream about Gibbs."
Tony: "She screamed his name."
McGee: "Really?"
Abby: "Hey. I had a weird dream about Tony last night."
Kate: "Ew! Not the one where you two are at the zoo and he..."
Abby: "No, he's fully clothed in this one. But he had blood all over his face. I woke up crying, Kate. I never cry. Never ever ever."
Fornell: [referring to Ari not being a double agent]: "Are you sure about this?"
Gibbs: "As sure as when I told you she would clean out your bank account when she left."
Gibbs: "Protection detail's over, Kate.
Tony: "You did good."
Gibbs: "For once, DiNozzo's right."
Kate: "Wow...I thought I'd die before I ever heard a comp...." (Kate is shot through the head and killed)
Ari: (Right after putting a bullet through Kate's head [with a gun ironically nick-named "The Kate"]) "Sorry Caitlin."
Gibbs: (Looking around for Kate's shooter) Ari.
(Kate and McGee ignoring him)
Tony: Maybe I did die.
Gibbs: You feel that?
Tony: What?
(Gibbs headslaps him)
Tony: Ow!
Gibbs: You're still alive. Welcome back, DiNozzo.
McGee: Is it just me or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?
Tony: That's cause he's looking forward to it.
McGee: Looking forward to what?
Tony: Finally getting to kill him.
Gibbs: I'm taking him down!
Fornell: Not this time. The FBI can handle it.
Gibbs: The civilians in the coffee shop that he tried to blow up today, would disagree with you, Tobias.
Fornell: Look if it was up to me. I'd put a bullet through his forhead! It's not. You're sitting this one out!
Gibbs: You gonna try to stop me?
Fornell: No. Not me, Jethro.
McGee: You don't look so hot.
Tony: Well, at least that's an improvement.
McGee: Over what?
Tony: According to Gibbs, I look like crap.
Gibbs: (About Tony) How's he doing Ducky?
Ducky: Stubborn, pigheaded, and unaware of his own limitations.
Gibbs: Sounds about right.
Ducky: Muscle soreness?
Tony: Only when I move or breathe.
Kate: Can't you do something Duck?
Ducky: Yes, well. I'm doing it right now.
Kate: What?
Ducky: Praying.
McGee: Wanna know what he said about you?
Kate: Ok.
McGee: He said you tried to sleep with him in Paraquay.
Kate: I'm going to kill him.
Season 3
Episode 3.1 "Kill Ari Part 1"
McGee: You were my sweet superhero, Kate.
Kate: [Kate appears dressed like Trinity from "The Matrix"] You're a naughty boy, Timmy.
McGee: Oh my God, I'm becoming Tony.
Gibbs: Sniping Abby means he's after my people, women first!
Jenny: Jethro... I know it has been a difficult day for both of us...
Gibbs: That's what my DI used to say. Never believed him.
Tony: I don't want you to get pissed...
Gibbs: I thought you wanted me pissed.
Tony: I did...It was kind-of weird when you were being nice, not that your not nice... I mean, ah...
(McGee was just having the vision of Kate in the revealing cop outfit)
McGee: Oh wow!
(Abby walks in)
Abby: 'Wow' what, McGee?
McGee: Ah… I… um… I… I… I…
Abby: Stop 'ah, um-ing' McGee. Spit it out!
Kate: Your mother should have washed your mind out with soap. Gibbs leaves with a woman, and your only thought is 'nooner'.
Tony: Was not.
Kate: Was to. I've always known what you were thinking Tony. What? What are you up to. Eek! Tony! I just died, and you're having a sexual fantasy?
Tony: Can't help it.
Kate: DiNozzo!
Tony: Sometimes I used to picture you naked.
Kate: Agh!
Ziva: She wasn't attractive?
Tony: She was... but not to me...
Ziva: Then why did you imagine her naked?
Gibbs: You were a d*** good agent, especially under cover. [Nods]
(Jenny smiles)
Jenny: Jethro.
Gibbs: Madame Director. (Both nod)
Jenny: Special Agent Gibbs! [He comes back up the stairs to stand in front of her] On the job, it is Director Shepard or ma'am.
Gibbs: OK, what about off the job?
Jenny: There won't be any 'off the job' Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: That's too bad... I missed you Jen.
Jenny: Don't make this difficult Jethro.
Gibbs: Fair enough. Won't happen again. Director?
Jenny: We can continue this conversation in private.
Jenny: This the same boat you were building six years ago?
Gibbs: Nope.
Jenny: What happened to it?
Gibbs: Burned her.
Jenny: Why would you.......you named it after an ex-wife.
Gibbs: Let's go.
Jenny: Which one?
Gibbs: You know **** well which one.
Jenny: Why didn't you just change the name?
Gibbs: Because it wouldn't matter. Every time I went out on her I'd think of Diane.
Jenny: You could have sold it.
Gibbs: And watch some other guy sail off on her?
Jenny: You didn't care who sailed off on Diane. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. You are a strange man.
Gibbs: Wait. You won't call a boat a she, but it's 'sister agencies'?
Jenny: I'm a Schizoid Libber. Comes from working with chauvinists like you.
Gibbs: I can't believe you would give up field work for rubber chicken dinners.
Jenny: I don't think they serve that dish at Palena.
Gibbs: Never heard of it.
Jenny: Why would you, it isn't takeout.
Gibbs: So which of the tight sphincters is taking you out to dinner? Please, tell me it's not Fornell.
Jenny: CBS Early Show.
Gibbs: I won't be bringing him in.
Morrow: Anyway, you're not my problem anymore, Jethro.
Gibbs: You fireing me, sir?
Morrow: I have been offered a deputy director's postion at Homeland Security.
Gibbs: You'd leave NCIS, sir?
Morrow: The agency could use some younger blood.
Gibbs: Well, who would be replacing you, sir?
(Morrow looks at him)
Gibbs: Not me!
Morrow: No.....As much as I like you, Jethro, I would not shoot NCIS in the head.
(Abby is digging around the car trunk, looking for bullets)
Abby: Hey, McGee, take a look at this! I think it's a three-oh-eight.
(McGees comes up behind her and starts looking at her butt)
Abby: Stop staring at my butt and get me an evidence jar!
Tony: If Ziva leads me to Ari?
Gibbs: Shadow him and call me.
Tony: So you can bring him in?
Gibbs: Yeah, so I can bring him in......to autopsy.
Episode 3.2 "Kill Ari Part 2"
Ari: Learn to trust, Gerald. I may have shot you in the shoulder, but I never lied to you.
Gibbs: What about your gut?"
Tony: It wants a pizza.
Abby (as McGee bends to try to see the numberplate of the van): It's not a dress McGee... you can't look up it to see what you want.
Ari (holding Gibbs' rifle) Looking for this, Jethro? I want you to know, I wish I hadn't had to shot Caitlin.
Gibbs: Why did you?
Ari: To cause you pain.
Gibbs: I piss you off that much?
Ari: Not you, my father, you have the misfortune of reminding me of the bastard.
Gibbs: Ah, he didn't marry your mother.
Ari: That's what makes me a bastard, not him. From the moment of my birth, he groomed me to be one thing, his mole in Hamas. Sent me to Edinburgh to become a doctor so i could work in the Gaza camps along side my mother. When he had her killed I had no trouble joining the Izz ad-Din al-Qassam.
Gibbs: You don't really believe your father had your mother killed.
Ari: It was a retaliatory Israeli strike on the day I was in Tel Aviv. On the day I was visiting him. HE had his mole in Hamas. He never knew how much I hated him. I wish I could see his face when he realizes he created not a mole, but a monster. And you need to kill me, taste the sweetness of revenge.
Gibbs: I've killed enough men in my life. Its gonna be just sweet watching you die.
Ari: Sorry to spoil your..... (shot dead)
(Ziva walks down)
Gibbs: His father is the deputy director of Mossad?
Ziva: Yes.
Gibbs: Not David.
Ziva: Yes. He's my half-brother.
McGee: Bubba?
Abby: Best **** **** dog in all of Jefferson Parish.
Tony: Thanks for the pizza boss.
Gibbs: Thank the night shift... I swiped it from them.
Tony: What do I do if I see Ari?
Gibbs: Shadow him, and wait for me.
Tony: So you can bring him in?
Gibbs: Yeah so I can bring him in...to Autopsy.
Tim: You want me to go with you boss?
Gibbs: No, Tony's out, stay with Abby.
Abby: (To Tim, about the 'no leaving the building' order) For nobody leaving the building, there are a lot of people leaving the building!
Fornell: You smell like a wet dog
Gibbs: Well, there was one here underneath the bench when I got here. I put him in the gazebo
Fornell: Why aren’t you in the gazebo?"
Gibbs: Dog smells like hell"
Fornell: So why didn’t you leave him under… never mind
Jenny: (answering the phone) Shepard.
Gibbs: I need a partner for the night. You up for it? Jen?
Jenny: Jethro, don't you know any other women?
Gibbs: None that I can call for backup. You didn't think I meant....
Jenny: That's what you have a whole team of agents for.
Gibbs: Well, McGee's on protection duty with Abby, DiNozzo's tailing Ziva, and I...
Jenny: DiNozzo's what?
Gibbs: He's tailing Ziva.
Jenny: Well where are you?
Gibbs: Outside!
Jenny: I can't believe this. I've been a director less than 24 hours and I'm back on the streets.
Gibbs: It's great, isn't it?
Jenny: No Jethro, it isn't.
Gibbs: Come on, come on, you love it.
Jenny: Truthfully, I'd rather be in bed. Sleeping.
Gibbs: Remember that stakeout in Marseilles. August. Stuck in that attic with no air. Photographing everyone who boarded that Lebanese trawler. That second night, that's the first time we....(Jenny puts a hand over his mouth)
Jenny: Um, OK. Shut up.
Ducky: Good grief, Jethro! Put that weapon down! I've had enough excitement for tonight.
Gibbs: We both can shut up.
Ziva: Espresso.Take it.It's not a bribe.
Tony: How long have you known I was......
Ziva: Following me? Since I left the Navy yard.
Tony: I don't think so.
Ziva: Blue sedan, you laid behind a white station wagon for a while, then a telephone van.You lost me at the traffic circle.
Tony: Okay, okay.You knew.
Ziva: (offering him the coffee again) Take it.It's chilly out here.You shouldn't feel bad, I was trained by the best.
Tony: You know, that's what I like about Mossad.
Ziva: Our training?
Tony: Your modesty.
Ziva: (as Tony goes to thrwo away a pizza box) Um, there's a slice in there! (he gives it to her) Todah.
Tony: Prego.
Ziva:......I lost my little sister, Taili, in a Hamas sucide bombing.She was sixteen and the best of us.Tali had compassion.
Tony: I'm sorry.
Ziva: After Tali's death, I was like Gibbs.All I wanted was revenge.
Tony: Is that why you joined Mossad?
Ziva: I was Mossad long before Tali's death.Old....
Tony: Family tradition.
Ziva: Israeli sense of duty.
Tony: But come on.Who recruited you? Father? Uncle? Brother? Boyfriend?
Ziva: Aunt, sister, lesbian lover.
Tony: You're good.You almost got me off the question.Almost.
Ziva: I volunteered.....Laila tov.
Tony: Buena notte.
Gibbs: From now on, we're going to use phonetics like we did in the Marines.
Abby: Golf India Bravo Bravo Sierra?
Gibbs: What is it, Abbs?
Abby: Can I please go back to my lab; I'm flipping out up here with nothing to do.
Gibbs: Fine, but--
Abby: I know, no leaving the building! Bravo Yankee Echo.
Gibbs: If I ask you something, Tobias are you going to lie to me?
Fornell: Depends on the question.
Gibbs: What's Ari Haswari's real mission here?
Fornell: I'm going to lie to you.Mossad lies to the CIA, they lie to us, I lie to you.I don't know who you lie to, being the bottom of the food chain......And not married.
(McGee's in autopsy seeing Kate when Tony comes in behind him)
Tony: Told you she looked good. (to Kate) Probie wouldn't believe me, Kate.Thought you would look like teh Return of the Living Dead. McGee: Did not.
Tony: Don't lie to the dead McGee......It's not nice.
McGee: I was a little afraid.
Tony: He was terrified.....but it took a lot of guts to come down here alone......showed how much he cared for you.....
McGee: I really did like you, Kate.
Tony: (gets in Gibbs' car) Ziva slipped a phony french passport and some cash (sniffs the air) to the ah (sniffs again) woman with the star of david I told you about.
(Gibbs hands Tony a pizza)
Tony: I love you, boss.
Gibbs: How do you know the passports are phony?
Tony: Ari's photo, but not his name.
Gibbs: What name is he using?
Tony: Don't you wanna know how I got it?
Gibbs: I assume you improvised like a good agent should!
Tony: Oh, what an improv, I swear I can get a gig on SNL.Okay, get this, I pretend like I am this real goofy guy trying to get...... Gibbs: Pretend?
Tony: That hurt boss.
Gibbs: What's the name?
Tony: Well....(takes bite of pizza)
Gibbs: (stops Tony) The name?
Tony: Rene Saurel. S.A.U.E.L.
Episode 3.3 "Mind Games"
Abby: You’re not listening to a word I’m saying. I’m pregnant, McGee. Twins. Haven’t told the father yet. It’s Gibbs. I know it’s wrong, but something about his silver hair just gets me all tingly inside
Tony: Excuse me for a second. I think I’m going to vomit
Abby: I’m joking, Tony. Except for the part about Gibbs’ hair. That is really hot. McGee is ignoring me again
Tony: Easily fixable
(Tony hits McGee)
McGee: What?! What’d I do?
Tony: Stop ignoring Abby. She’s sensitive
Paula: Dating was tough.
Tony: Need any help with that now, Paula?
Paula: No, Tony. Thank you. I've been there and I've done that.
Tony: The pink ones, do they taste like Strawberry Starburst?
Paula: I'm afraid your lawyer's gonna miss your execution tomorrow.
Tony: He's kinda dead.
Gibbs: Enjoy Hell.
McGee: Do we actually have knee pads Tony?
DiNozzo: I don't know Probie. Inventory is Kate's responsibility. Why don't you ask...
Tony (after Gibbs was mean to Cassidy): See it at the bright side.
Cassidy: Which bright side?
Tony: You're here only a week.
Gibbs: Next time you see Boone, he'll have a lightning bolt shooting out of his ass.
Ducky: Do you know the difference between good and bad cholesterol Tony?
Tony: No, but I'm guessing it has something to do with taste.
McGee (holding up Paula): She's more than a buck twenty.
Paula: (drops flashlight on McGee's head) Oh sorry!
McGee: You did that on purpose!
Ducky: Gibbs was a very different man 10 years ago.
Tony: You mean meaner?
Ducky: No, a lot like you, Tony!
McGee: Uh, you two might wanna get busy. Gibbs is headed this way and he looks pissed.
Paula: Think he caved to the Governor?
Tony: No way.
McGee: No way, if Gibbs doesn't want to do something he doesn't.
Tony: No matter who's asking. (Gibbs gets his gun and badge out and walks off) Where you going boss?
Gibbs: Sussex State Prison to interview Kyle Boone. Be gone the rest of the day.
Paula: Yep, you two sure have him pegged.
Tony: The difference between ten years ago and today, Ducky? We have Gibbs' back.
Ducky: There's another difference, Tony.Ten years ago, Gibbs was a very different man.
Tony: You mean he was actually meaner? Ducky: No, quite the opposite.He was......he was was a lot like you.
Episode 3.4 "Silver War"
Gibbs: I trust you. You know that. But when we leave this elevator…
Ziva: You start kicking my butt.
Gibbs: (surprised) I don´t kick butt!
Ziva: ...I feel like a donkey's butt.
McGee: Donkey's butt?
Tony: I think she meant 'Horse's ass', McGee.
Ziva: Yes, that, too.
Ziva: I'm wondering why I have a 9 mm hole in my cap?
Gibbs: (Pause, then answers somewhat uncertainly) Ventilation.
Jen: Before we get into this, I need a refill.
(Gibbs flips the lid off her coffee cup and then pours some of his coffee into her cup)
Jen: Well that was sweet, not necessarily sanitary.
Ziva: You know what this reminds me of McGee?
McGee: Mossad case?
Ziva: No, the Harry Potter novel.
McGee: You read those too? (Ziva looks away) Yeah me either.
(Gibbs and Jenny watching Tony and Ziva from above squad room)
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... oh, wrong words... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with little spikies...
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.
Gibbs: Abs?
Abby: I look like a freak......Well?
Tony: Woah.
McGee: See, I don't think she really looks that bad.
Ziva: Is she making a reference to that strange tattoo on her neck?
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: One of the Director's new admin weenies brought me this last night. It's the NCIS dress code. She said I was in violation.
Gibbs: He did, did he?
Abby: I mean, it's bad enough that I have to wear a monkey suit for court appearances, but everyday?
Ziva: I think you look nice, Abby.
Abby: Nice? You think I look nice? I look like...like...
Tony: Career Girl Barbie.
Abby: Oh my God. I do. Ugh, I can't work like this Gibbs.
Gibbs: I'll take care of it Abs.
Abby: I'm allergic to polyester. It makes me itch. It's a medical condition. I could get a note from the doctor.
Gibbs: Abby, I said, I'll take care of it. (Abby hugs Bert, who farts).
Tony: (to Ziva) Don't ask.
Gibbs: Can we get back to work now?
Abby: Do I have to wear the shoes?
Tony: Ziva?
Ziva: Yes?
Tony: First of all, don't ever do that again. And second, what are you doing?
Ziva: I'm observing you Tony.
Tony: Any way you can do that in a less disturbing manner?
Ziva: A Marine dressed as a Civil War soldier shot by a musket, and then buried alive in a 140-year-old antique iron casket. And you're telling me this isn't your strangest case?
Tony: Yeah.
McGee: Pretty much.
Ziva: I don't know what I find more disturbing. Your eating habits or that fact I believe you.
Tony: I'm sorry, do our strange American foods frighten you?
Ziva: Haha, not at all. I was referring to your manners. You should have bought me one. (takes bite of Tony's burrito) Mmm....
McGee: Ah ha.
Tony: "Ah ha?"
McGee: I'm gonna go help Abby.
(Gibbs has a suspect on the ground cuffed, when Tony runs up out of breath)
Tony: Not bad, boss.I thought you were still behind me.Until you tackled him.
Gibbs: Not likely, DiNozzo.
(McGee runs up now, out of breath as well.)
Tony: What's his excuse?
Tony: (About Ziva) Remind me to never tick her off.
Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo.You have no idea.
Tony: (to himself) I hate mondays.I hate fat house all you can eat burrito shack.More like fat house bacteria shack.I should't have come into work today.Gibbs sees me like this....
Ziva: He would probably be as horrified as I am, Agent DiNozzo.
(Tony turns to look at her)
Ziva: Working undercover as a hobo?
Tony: Mind telling me what you're doing here again?
Ziva: Uuhhhh, waiting.
Tony: For what?
Ziva: To start work.Does everyone always come in this late?
Tony: It's 0700.
Ziva: In Mossad we start at 0500.
Tony: Okay, let me refrase the original question: 'what the heck are you doing here, Ziva?'
Ziva: I see, Gibbs didn't tell you.
Tony: Tell me what?
Ziva: Mossad has assigned me to NCIS as a Liason Officer.We're going to be working together.
Tony: Does Gibbs know about this?
Ziva: Do you think I would be here if he didn't?
(the both laugh)
Ziva: You might want to do something about your hiar.It's sticking up a porcuswine....wrong word, like a porcu.....pig.The little animal with the little spikey's, yes?
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee!
Jenny: Something I can help you with this morning, special agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yeah, I've got a personnel issue, you know anything about that?
Jenny: I take it Ziva arrived a few days early? Right. Before we get into this, I'm in a need of refill. (Gibbs takes her cup and fills it with coffee from his own)
Jenny: That was sweet. Not necessarily sanitary, but sweet.
Gibbs: What is she doing here, Jen?
Jenny: If we're going to fight a global war with terror, we need to be close to our allies.
Gibbs: That's good, put her to somebody else's team.
Jenny: I want her with you, Jethro.
Gibbs: Mossad trained her to spy and kill, not to investigate crime scenes. Send her to the CIA.
Jenny: Just to be clear. This is not a request or a debate, agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: Anything else you want to change about my team, while I'm here?
Jenny: Look, if anything, you're lucky to have her. She's one of the finest agents I have ever worked with in Europe.
Gibbs: Why didn't you ask me first, Jen?
Jenny: And what would you have said? Exactly. Number 18: "It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission".
Gibbs: Oh, that's really nice, using the rules I've taught you against me. Nice touch.
Jenny: I learned from the best, Jethro. I want Ziva to as well.
Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: (pulls out a magazine) GSM. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
Ziva: (pulls out same magazine in Hebrew) I read it on the plane. I especially liked the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: (checks his copy) I always thought that was an urban legend.
(Gibbs is walking down the stairs, balls up piece of paper and bounces it off Tony's head)
Ziva: C.W.R.?
Tony: Civil War Reenactors. Guys who get together, dress up in period costumes, reenacting famous battles.
Ziva: Why?
Tony: I've been asking my father that since I was ten years old.
Gibbs: You're coming along, strictly as an observer.Hand over all you weapons.
Ziva: Is that really necessay? (Gibb holds out his hand) Right. (gives him a gun)
Gibbs: And your backup.
Ziva: What backup?
Gibbs: Left leg.
Ziva: Oh.That one.(gives it to him)
Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist.
(hands knife to Gibbs, who hands it back)
Gibbs: (whispering) You can keep this.I just wanted you to know that I know.
Ziva: Who's the woman with Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah, once you're here long enough you'll figure it out.
Ziva: Is that his girlfriend?
Tony: I have no idea.
Ziva: You just told me....
Tony: Well, you'll figure out there are some things you don't ask about.
McGee: (after being pushed into a fountain by a theif) Gibbs is going to kill me!
Ziva: Look on the bright side, McGee. (he looks at her) I'm clean again.
Abby: McGee, sometimes I think I love you.
Ziva: Is there somewhere I can clean up?
Gibbs: Yeah.Sure.Tonight, when you go home.
Gibbs: And you.....keep observing.
Ziva: What exactly, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Anything, just do it quietly.
Ziva: (after Gibbs leaves) Now I know why he took away all my weapons.
McGee: (while Ziva is driving) Ziva! Car! Car! Car!
McGee: Abby, Ziva was amazing, I mean.....she's got a photographic memory.
Abby: Why don't you two just get a room, McGee?
McGee: What....you think she likes me?
Abby: McGee, never forget.....I am one of the few people, in the world, who can kill you and leave no forensic evidence.
(after McGee sees Abby changeing)
Abby: See something you like, McGee?
McGee: No!.......I mean, yes?
Abby: Better.
Ducky: Have you ever spent an evening with a young lady and failed to remember it, Mr.Palmer?.....(looks at Palmer)......Ohhhh, what was I thinking.Of course not.
Palmer: But I wouldn't mind.....
Ducky: Well, it's not something to admired, Mr.Palmer.
Ducky: How do you tell a woman you have no mental recolection of her what-so-ever?
Palmer: I suppose one could always lie.
Ducky: Have you been spending time with Agent DiNozzo again?
Episode 3.5 "Switch"
Ziva: Is he always this juvenile?
McGee: Only on the days of the week ending in day.
Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?
Gibbs: About 50 of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could...
Gibbs: NO.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to...
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.
Ducky: I hope you brought more appropriate footwear, Mr. Palmer. The journey to our petty officer seems rather challenging.
Palmer: Don't worry, Doctor. I have a merit badge in hiking.
Ducky: I have a driver's license, Mr. Palmer. It doesn't mean I turn up at Indianapolis in my Morgan.
Abby: I have good news and I have bad news Gibbs, the good news is I'm still cute....
Tony: There was a charge on my credit card for a vintage barbie doll; career girl outfit?
McGee: Oh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
Tony: ...?!
McGee: I had a girlfirend who collected once. We used to- ...We'd line 'em up on the-
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word "pumps"...
Tony: That’s original, McGee. Is there any part of your brain that’s your own?
McGee: At least I have one, Tony.
Tony: What’s that supposed to mean?
McGee: Nothing.
Tony: We’re not going anywhere.
McGee: What, until I apologize?
Tony: No, not until you apologize. We’re in the wrong **** car.
Gibbs: McGee?!
McGee: Yo!
Gibbs: Sketch, get close enough without breaking your neck.
McGee: On it!
Gibbs: DiNozzo, photos! (pauses) Is there a problem?
Tony: Well, you didn't say anything about my neck. (Gibbs stares Tony down) Uh... I'll be careful.
Ziva: Hinky? What's hinky?
Tony: You know, like when your gut is telling you something.
Ziva: I see. In my country we refer to that as gas.
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: I think she may have had it confused with go fly a kite.
Ziva: I'll drive, Tony.
Tony: No, no, no! Not gonna make that mistake again.
Ziva: Did you really think my driving was that terrible? Aside from the high speed and near misses?
Tony: Let's just say it's an acquired taste. Like regurgitated lunch.
Gibbs: I’d hate to start smacking you like I do DiNozzo
Abby: You wouldn’t. You would?
Gibbs: It won’t be on the head.
Tony: Oh, I love Hawaiian shirts"
Ziva: I’m not surprised
Tony: It’s a cultural experience you couldn’t appreciate. Isn’t that right, Probie?
McGee: I wouldn’t be caught dead in one"
Tony: (gasps) It can’t be!! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: It’s an authentic Magnum, P.I. Jungle Bird design. Hundred percent cotton, bamboo buttons, Made in Hawaii label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments
McGee: That’s great
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt. Putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. Zeus! Apollo! The TV show was big in the Eighties!
Ziva: His name is Max"
McGee: Oh, add a Snapple cap that said that the most popular name for a pet in the United States is Max
Tony: That’s funny, I thought it was Tim
Ziva: Keep what in his pants?
Tony: You're kidding right? (hums beat and claps)
Ziva: Dancing?
Tony: Yeah. Dancing.
Tony: Suck the gut in, Probie!
Ziva: (regarding Abby) She doesn’t like me, does she?
Gibbs: Eh…
(the team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony)
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
Abby: Are you going home?
Ziva: Not yet.I thought I might be able to help you with (gestures to the box Abby's carrying) that.
Abby: Do you have a degree in forsensic science?
Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Abby: We'll see.
Tony: Look at the guy he's such a....
Ziva: Pimp.
Tony/McGee: Wimp.
(Gibbs and Ziva are in the elevator)
Ziva: You just hung up on director shepard.
Gibbs: Uh, huh.
Ziva: In my country, the offiver in charge is always....
(Gibbs stops the elevator)
Gibbs: In my country, in my team, working my cases, my people, don't by-pass chain of command.
Ziva: Which is....?
Gibbs: Me.We clear on that, Officer David.
Ziva: Crystal....Agent Gibbs.
(Gibbs turns elevator on, Ziva shuts it off)
Ziva: Except she called me.What would you have me do?
Gibbs: Smile.Talk about the weather.Tell her to call me.
Ziva: And if that doesn't work?
Gibbs: You're a smart girl.Think of something.
(again Gibbs turns it on, Ziva shuts it off)
Ziva: I am merely trying to do my job.
Gibbs: Your job is to follow my instructions.
Ziva: And I respect that.It is to much to ask for some in return?
(Gibbs turns elevator on)
Gibbs: No, it's not.
Ziva: So....that's it?
Gibbs: Mm hmm.
Ziva: Don't even get a slap on the head?
Gibbs: Don't push it.
Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of those rules I should be aware of?
Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they are written anywhere that I can.....
Gibbs: No.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to....
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.
Ziva: All of these people are in the military?
Tony: Yeah, the uniforms are kind of a dead giveaway.
(trying to decide who should go down a steep hill)
McGee: Well, as you've pointed out many times, I'm just a junior field agent.
Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, Probie.
McGee: How about I follow in your footsteps as you lead the way?
Tony: How about you kiss my exprienced buttocks.
Tony: He works in a supply office, who's he gonna asaddinate? Mr. Clean?
Episode 3.6 "The Voyeur's Web"
Gibbs (after Abby has watched hours of porn, searching for evidence) Learn anything?
Abby- I'm not nearly as flexible as I should be...
Tony: She's got a photographic memory Probie, not a social disorder.
Abby: Oldest you've ever been with?
Tony: 26, my dry cleaner....You have a stuffed animal that farts?
Abby: Yeah! Cool, huh?
Tony: Yeah... in a disturbing kinda way...
Gibbs- What have you got, Abs?
Abby- Umm.. A PhD in Porn!
McGee: Good news, boss. Naughty Naughty Neighbors has a webmaster
Gibbs Web what?
McGee: Webmaster. It’s a person that is hired to design and update the page. His name is Carter Finch
Tony: Is this guy like a Super Fly cyber pimp?
McGee: Not exactly
Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead. (To a group of cheerleaders) What's happening ladies?
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I've been in hundreds of these situations.
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either, does that make me a virgin?
Tony: Trust is a virtue that's earned, not given.
Ziva: (In a mocking tone) Profound!
Tony: I try.
Tony: Stop whining McGee, do what you do best.
McGee: What's that? Screw up?
Tony: No, finding answers when no-one else can.
(Tony walks away with Ziva)
Ziva: That was sweet of you!
Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.
Ziva: Don't you mean dog?
Tony: It means the same thing.
Abby: What's a matter, Chip? Don't like watching porn with me?
Chip: I really hate being called Chip...
Abby: I really hate that Ozzy got fat and stupid. Live with it.
Tony: I feel like I've just walked into page 8 of the IKEA catalogue...
Gibbs: The French wine in this particular region is terribly overrated.
Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
Tony: Didn’t you see the signs? It’s yard sale day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No, it’s actually when people gather stuff they don’t want anymore, and sell it in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anyone want to buy somebody else’s junk?
Tony: One man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
Ziva: In Israel, we have a saying. “Zevel Ze Zevel.”
[Tony and McGee look at her, confused]
Ziva: Crap is crap.
McGee: Girlfriend is always emailing me these internet videos.She sent me one of this room last week.
DiNozzo: Why do I find that hard to believe?
McGee: What, you never get forwarded weird videos to your email?
DiNozzo: All the time.I meant the part about you having a girlfriend.
Abby: What's the matter, Chip? Don't like watchin porn with me? Sorry I'm not one of the fellas, but I'm doing the bext I can.
Chip: I don't really watch explict material with my peers, ma'am, uh, Abby.Abby, I don't reall watch it at all.
Abby: Not buying it chip.
Chip: And why is that?
Abby: Two reasons.One, you're male and two, you're breathing.
Ziva: I've been meaning to ask you about that, Tony.How does a fifteen-year-old boy go about meeting a coquette?
McGee: She means rockette, boss.
Abby: (to Gibbs) If we investigated every weird video from the internet, well, you know......Ok,you don't know, but trust me.
Abby: Gibbs, I can't work like this anymore! (Abby has a fake knife and scares them by pretending to slit her throat)
(Tony holds up the nightgown he got for his girlfriend to show Ziva)
Tony: What do you think?
Gibbs: (walking in) It's not your color, DiNozzo.
Ziva: The odds of finding him off a list of that size is....
Gibbs: Better than the odd of you winning this argument.
Ziva: It could take days to search this place.
Tony: Why don't you tell Gibbs that, he loves our input.
Ziva: Do you still have those reservations?
Tony: Mm....?
Ziva: My treat.
Tony: Okay (spins around hurredly)
Tony: I'll catch up!
(Goes to get a bag with...a risque nightgown in it)
Ziva: You will not be needing that!
Episode 3.7 "Honor Code"
Tony: My father left me in the Maui Hilton once for two days. He didn't even realize I was missing until he got the room service bill.
Ziva: Sad, but enlightening.
Tony: New hires just keep getting younger, eh, Madam Director?
Jenny: Obviously you didn't get the memo Agent DiNozzo.
Tony: What memo?
Ziva: The one where it explains the next person who calls her 'Madam' gets keel-hauled. Whatever that is.
Tony: It's, uh....
Jenny: Unpleasant.
Jenny: Always admired your way with children. Ever think of having any of your own?
Gibbs: It that an offer Jen?
Jenny: No, it wasn't an offer, Jethro, it was merely an observation.
Gibbs: Dinner at the White House?
Jenny: A date, actually.
Gibbs: Must be an important guy for you to get all decked out.
Jenny: I would prefer it if you would just say you liked my dress.
Gibbs: I haven't decided yet.
(In autopsy, Ziva has delivered a critique of an amateur killer's execution method and described her alternative choices for a more efficient kill: heroin, insulin or potassium. Ducky and Gibbs are astonished at her businesslike description of her preferred modes of killing, then Ducky's eyes light up.)
Ducky: I really must have you over for dinner. Mother would love to talk to you.
McGee: Have you ever considered the fact that Gibbs could be wrong this time?
Abby (gasps): "Ooh! McGee! Bite your tongue. Gibbs knows what he's doing, we just have to show him The Love.
Tony: We show him the love, Abby. We just don't want the bad guys to get away while we're doing it.
Ziva: The man is spick and Spam.
Tony: The saying is 'spick and span'. Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactly is 'span' then?
Tony: Span is.....I'll get back to you on that.
McGee: How many people owe you favors?
Ziva: How many dates does Tony go on a month.
Tony: Zach, hey. I’m Special Agent DiNozzo, you can call me Tony, okay? That’s a smart thing to do, calling NCIS. Good boy. All right, I know this is really scary, but I want you to be brave. Can you do that? Okay, I want you to think back to what happened today. Try to remember the details. There’s no wrong answer here.
Gibbs: What do we know?
Tony: Nothing. I think the kid’s in shock.
Zach: No, I’m not. I’m waiting for Agent DiNozzo to ask me a question.
Tony: (about Zach) Do you see the way he's been acting around me?
Ziva: I think it's because he doesn't like you, Tony.
Tony: Kids dig me.
Ziva: No they don't. (Tony scoffs)
Tony: Zach.Zacharoo, buddy.Come on over here, man.I was gonna wait until tomarrow when everyone was here but considering what a brave little boy you've been and how much you've helped us, I'm gonna make you an honorary NCIS agent.
Zach: Thanks.I've gotta go to the head.
Ziva: (laughs) Yes, Tony, I was mistaken.Your way with children is only rivaled by your way with women.
Tony: He's under a lot of stress.
Episode 3.8 "Under Covers"
Tony: Not bad, she says as she walks in from the outdoor patio past the fax machine and the mini-bar. Complimentary basket of fruit! This is a perfect way to spend a weekend! Come on, big-screen TV! (continues)
Ziva: Think they bought it?
Tony: I did
Ziva: That’s fairly obvious
Tony: For your information, that’s my knee.
Ziva: Whatever. You can get off me now.
Tony: It’s only been ten minutes. I have a reputation to protect.
Ziva: We not even sure if we’re under surveillance yet Tony.
Tony: You can’t be too careful when you’re under cover. Let’s give it another forty minutes just to be realistic!
(Ziva knees Tony in ... his sensitive masculine parts)
Tony: What was that for?
Ziva: Because that was definitely not your knee.
(Gibbs, Ducky and Jenny are discussing two corpses in autopsy)
Gibbs: Tony and Ziva have taken their room reservations at the Berkeley. They're there now, pretending to be these two, they're working blind, Duck.
Jenny: We're counting on you to fill them in on some of the more personal details of our couple.
Ducky: Though it may be common knowledge that I talk to my patients, unfortunately to date, none of them have ever answered me back.
Gibbs: Listen harder.
Tony: Sweetheart? You know what I could really use right now?
Ziva: Some deodorant?
Tony: (to Ziva) Oh wow! And to think, my mother thought I was too good for you!
(Tony's robe isn't covering everything)
Gibbs: Comfortable DiNozzo?
Tony: Well yeah. I’m working on it Boss why you ask.
Jenny: We’re looking at you Agent DiNozzo. All of you.
(Tony and Ziva are at dinner. They are in contact with the rest of the team through earwigs)
Ziva: This is nice, isn't it?
Tony: Yeah. (laughs) Quiet little dinner, just the six of us!
(In the restaurant)Tony: See anyone you know, Sweet Cheeks?
Ziva: Not yet. But the night’s just getting started, my little Hairy Butt.
Gibbs: Hey Abs, what have you got?
Abby: I have a whoopee and I have a but.
Gibbs: Abby!
Abby: Whoopee, I got a photo of the man that Tony and Ziva are going to assassinate...
Gibbs: (Impatiently) But?
Abby: But, I have no idea which of these 32 photos is him.
Jenny: Did you trace the call?
Gibbs: Gee... why didn't I think of that?
Jenny: Sorry Jethro. I'm a little tired.
Gibbs: Yeah well you never could pace yourself very well.
Jenny: I have one word for you Jethro.
Gibbs: Hmm?
Jenny: Positano.
Gibbs: Come on. That was a week after I took a bullet.
Jenny: Uh huh.
Gibbs: Hey. Nothing is gonna happen tonight. Tony and Ziva are hitting the rack, all the backup teams are in place around the hotel. Why don't you go grab 40 on the couch in your office?
Jenny: No. I just need a little coffee.
Gibbs: Yeah? When the caffeine jolt ends?
Jenny: I'll do what you do. Get a refill.
Gibbs: You're not me.
Jenny: Chauvinist.
Gibbs: Yeah, yeah. I guess. Goodnight Jen.
McGee: You're up?
Ziva: Since 05. He snores.
Tony: (Ziva pours water over his head to wake him up) I'm in position, Boss!
Tony: We should take you to see the doctor, Sweet Cheeks.
Ziva: Why?
Tony: Because you snore like a drunken sailor with emphysema.
Ziva: Look who's calling the pot black.
Tony: Kettle. The pot is calling the kettle black.
Tony: What do we got?
Ziva: Sneaky people.
Spivey: Trust me, I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
Maya: It's true...I've met his wife.
(Gibbs and Fornell discuss how to solve the case without the directors getting into a territory fight)
Fornell: The directors get to save face, and we...
Gibbs:...get the job done.
Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Gibbs: Only because they know us. (Ziva walks into the room as Tony is talking to Maya pretending to be the maid.)
Ziva: I'm pregnant Tony.
Ziva: She wasn’t your type anyway.
Tony: Hot and in a maid’s outfit? They don’t get any more my type.
(About the pregnancy of Ziva's undercover character)
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why do this job risking to lose the baby?
Ziva: Maybe she needed the money.
Tony: Yeah, kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap.
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father!
Ziva: There is a big chance that this is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited
Ziva: Good plan... except from one thing.
Tony: What is that?
Ziva: As soon as I leave, they most likely put a bullet through your head.
Tony: Well... I didn't say the plan was perfect.
Abby: (about Tony) He always gives new people grief. He learned that from Gibbs.
Chip: Why don't you like Ziva?
Abby: Why do you think that I don't like her?
(Chip holds up a picture of Ziva that has clown drawings on her face; Hair, Nose, Lips and Eyebrows)
Abby: Oh.
Tony: I want a divorce.
Ducky: "How many times did he hit you?"
Tony: "I wasn't counting."
Ziva: "7 times."
Tony: "She was, of course."
Tony: All right... (Tony starts to stand up) Good night boss. (Tony starts to fall over. Abby and Ziva help steady him) All right... I'm good.. .
Ducky: I suggest a couple of aspirin.
(Ducky touches a cut above Tony's eye)
Tony: (In a high pitched squeal) Oww..
Ducky: Yes, and perhaps some scotch...
(Gibbs walks up)
Gibbs: I thought doctors weren't supposed to prescribe alcohol any more, Duck?
Ducky: Well it always seems to work for you.
Ziva: And I am driving you home. (Holds up Tony's keys)
Tony: Probie?!
McGee: Uh, Ziva, Actually I should probably drive him home tonight.
Ziva: Why is that?
Abby: Maybe he wants to live?
Jenny: My director side is telling me to flood that hotel with security and notify the FBI of a possible terrorist attack.My agent side, of I do that, we lose the chance to take down an enemy cell operating inside the capitol.They'll scatter.Of course, you'd stay the course, trust your people to get the job done.
Gibbs: You telling me what I'd do?
Jenny: Asking.
Gibbs: If I was director, I'd give my people another twenty-four.They can't get the job done, I'd notify the FBI.
Jenny: You'd really do that?
Gibbs: Nah, but that's why I'll never be director.
Gibbs: You're not the only one around here who knows how to play politics.
Jenny: (laughing) You're not serious.Your idea of polotics usually involves some form of physical violence.
Gibbs: Well, you know what they say, Jen.You can't make an omelette unless you break a few eggs.
Episode 3.9 "Frame Up"
Palmer: I'll bet Tony made some unseemly comment about these legs, didn't he?
Ducky: Why would he do that, Mr. Palmer?
Palmer: I just mean, uh, knowing Tony - They're fairly shapely legs, Doctor.
Ducky: Yes. Nobody had the bad taste to verbalize such a thought, though, until now.
Tony: [to Ziva, teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Ziva: I would never! ...Okay, I maybe I would, but! I didn't.
Jenny: Jethro, I know DiNozzo didn't do this, but I also know that it would be political suicide if we got caught investigating one of our own agents. Appearances matter Jethro. In this world, sometimes more than facts. It could ruin the agency. Look at Robert Novak and the CIA. You have a responsibility to your man. I know that. But I have a responsibility to the entire agency.
Gibbs: Jen.
Jenny: I'm not forgetting the time I stepped in it, and you covered my ass until I could get out of it, but that was alone, undercover, and in the field. Half of NCIS already knows about this. I know what you have to do Jethro, and I won't stop you. But officially, I am suspending you from investigating this further and I am turning it over to the FBI.
Gibbs: I know. One request.
Jenny: I'll see that Fornell runs the investigation. I always could read your mind.
Fornell: The DA is gonna see this as a heinous crime.
Gibbs: It is a heinous crime, Fornell. Tony, didn't do it.
Gibbs: Ass kissing on the hill is a skill
Jenny: So is castration.
Gibbs: I wear a cup.
Ziva: What do women try to achieve by cracking eggs on a man's car?
McGee: Most men love their cars, it's a way of saying "You broke my heart, I break yours."
Ziva: In Israel, we just shoot men who are untrue.
Tony: Someone's setting me up.
Gibbs: Two surgically removed legs dumped into a training area? Do ya think?
Tony: Yeah. I was... trying to think of arrestees with grudges.
Ziva: Wouldn't they all have grudges?
Tony: You see my dilemma.
McGee: Mike Macaluso.
Gibbs: He's a Mafia boss DiNozzo busted in Baltimore.
Tony: They get a little touchy when they think of you as family and you turn out to be a cop.
Abby: What about that forensics dweeb that you got fired?
Tony: I didn't arrest him, Abby.
Abby: Yeah, but you really, really, really pissed him off.
McGee: You know, maybe you should expand the list, just to include people that just hate you.
Tony: Hate me? Nobody hates me.
McGee: Paula Cassidy.
Tony: Don't go there. People like me. I'm a nice guy.
McGee: What about the, uh, woman who posted your picture on the herpes alert website?
Tony: Lieutenant Pam Kim.
Abby: She so went Fatal Attraction on you.
Tony: Boiled the bunny.
McGee: Oh, don't forget about Mrs. Dean.
Ziva: Another girlfriend?
McGee: No, she threatened to cut off his [gestures] when Tony put her husband away for murdering his first wife.
Ziva: Speaking about wives, what about your ex-girlfriend, Monica?
Tony: Well, I always break up with them when I find out they're married, Ziva.
Ziva: The personnel in the evidence garage!
Tony: What about 'em?
Ziva: They hate you.
McGee: She's right; you never wait your turn to check in evidence.
Ziva: And women don't appreciate being called "baggie bunnies."
Gibbs: Eight years. Three different forces.
Tony: That's a lot of names and people to remember, boss.
Gibbs: Ziva, take the women. McGee, you take the men. I'll pull case files of the ones DiNozzo put away who aren't on the list.
Tony: Wait a minute, you never do anything. [Gibbs dope-slaps him] 'Cause you're such a good delegator.
Sacks: Just run through your day.
Tony sits there looking thoughtful
Sacks: Out loud.
Tony: Oh! Right.
Sacks: This guy is implicated in a homicide and he's making jokes!
Fornell: You've never worked with NCIS before, have you, Agent Sacks?
Tony: You know, I've been thinking. I'm a federal prosecutor's dream.
Tony: [as prosecutor] You do tend to date a lot, don't you, Mr. DiNozzo?
Tony: [laughing] Yeah. I do tend to date a lot, but where does it say that dating, you know, a new girl every week is a crime?
Tony: [as prosecutor] No, it's not. But it does speak to your deep-seated psychological problems and commitment issues.
Tony: Really? So you're saying my "intimacy issues" stem from my mother, who dressed me as a sailor until I was ten years old? Maybe!
Tony: [as prosecutor] Well, I guess it might explain why you objectify women and treat them as sexual objects. While you're being so forthright and insightful, Mr. DiNozzo... why did you sink your teeth into the victim's leg?
Tony: Because I'm angry, and I'm immature, and I like control!
Tony: [as prosecutor] You have no alibi.
Tony: [laughing] Alibi? How can I have an alibi when the murder doesn't even have a time or a date?
Tony: [as prosecutor] That's interesting. What about means? Latex glove... Scalpel... You could have gotten these things from work. No?
Tony: Right. Of course. Ha-ha. Yes, I ripped a glove at the scene. It seems a little sloppy for a federal agent who investigates crime scenes, but, you know, those are the breaks when you're a homicidal maniac dumping butchered women's remains out in the woods in the middle of the night! Right?
Tony: [sighs] I'm not getting out of this one, am I, boss?
[Gibbs gestures him over, then slaps him upside the head]
Tony: Thank you, boss.
Abby: (raises hands as if in prayer) For a second, I lost my faith in... But now I know, that forensics was just testing me. And I will rise up, and I will find the man that did this to Tony, and I will crucify him!
Ziva: [slams Stewart against the wall] We have a warrant now.
Stewart: For what? I didn't do anything wrong.
Ziva: No? I can think of at least two things. Framing an NCIS agent for murder, and really, really, really pissing him off. [nods toward Gibbs]
Abby: [pointing at Chip bound and gagged on the floor] Now can I work alone?
Abby: I have to look at this from a new perspective! (Bends over and looks at things upside down.To McGee) Your butts' getting boney.
McGee: Boney? I'll have you know that Ziva rated it a 4 out of 5, okay?
Abby: Bone marrow! (Starts typing on the computer) There's a national database for bone marrow donars.(stops typing) Why is Ziva rating your butt?
McGee: Well.....uh.....Tony started it.....
Abby: Don't you blame Tony! He's almost on death row!
Abby: We have to save him Gibbs.Because if he goes to court with fingerprint and his bite mark on the leg, Tony's gonna go to prison for the rest of his life.And I'll be the one that put him there.
George: You think I cut of some girls legs? Why would I do such a thing?
Ziva: I don't know, but if you're going to talk to me would you at least please get a breath mint first! Please!
Gibbs: Ziva, take the woman.McGee, you take the men.I'll pull case files on the ones that Dinozzo put away who aren't on the list.
Tony: But you never do anything...
(Gibbs head-slaps him)
Tony: 'Cause you're such a good deligator.
(watching Gibbs intervie Kim)
McGee: You found them....
Ziva: Flagrante delicto.....
McGee: That's....
Ziva: Roman slang for what Tony calls 'badda-bing badd-boom.
Ziva: She's probably passed on by now.
McGee: The term is passed out.
Ziva: Whatever, the girl is tired.
Abby: Evidence is fun! Fun.You know, fun! (jumps and spins around) Fun, Chip.....You're a tought case, Chip.
Chip: Yeah, I know.
Gibbs: ID?
Ducky: Without a toe print database, I'm afraid we'll have to rely on good old DNA.
Ducky: (about a severed leg) I'm afraid a liver temp is out of the question.
Palmer: I have some smaple for Abby.
Chip: Well, that's convient, because I'm Abby's assitant.
Palmer: Just wanted to say 'hi'.I haven't seen her for a while.
Chip: Well, she's busy right now.
Palmer: It will only take a minute.
Chip: You haven't been an assitant for very long have you?
Palmer: Longer than you.
Chip: We'll see about that.
Palmer: That doesn't make any sense, Chip.
Chip: It's Charles! Charles.
Tony: I am so happy to see you, Fornell!
Fornell: That makes one of us, DiNozzo.
Tony: Oooh.....yeah, baby, oh come'on.....oh come'on, come'on......oh....yikes!
Ziva: (reading a book): I'm trying to concentrate!
Tony: That makes two of us then doesn't it......Ziva?
Ziva: Is it work related?
Tony: Of course it's work related......Ziva!
McGee (reading Tony's computer screen): JudgeMyTush.com?
Tony: Hey! Little privacy here, Probie!
(McGee starts walking back to his desk) Ziva (about his tush): I give it a four.
McGee: Are you kidding me? Four?
Ziva: Out of five I think that's good, isn't it?
McGee (smiles): Out of five. Tony: What do you think about this one? (bends over)
Ziva: No, I will not get involved with this any further.Gibbs always seems to be just around the corner.I---No....No.
Tony: Come'on! What'd 'ya think? Rate it!
Ziva: Fine....A two.
Tony: A two? A two?!
Gibbs: What's a two, DiNozzo?
Tony: I was just explaining the rules to Ziva, boss.
Gibbs: And number two is what?
Tony: You know, I'm always a little fuzzy on two.
Gibbs: Grab your gear.Going to Quanitco.
Tony (to Ziva after Gibbs leaves): A two?
Ziva: I took off three points for excessive hair.
Tony: I don't have.....That's a five. (smiles)
Ziva (laughs): If you shave.
Tony: Shave...... Chip: We already processed that fiber.
Abby: I know that, Chazzoid!
(McGee comes in playing a harmonica) Tony: Very funny, Probie.
McGee: Come on, Tony.It's a gift.
Tony: From who? The baggie bunnys or pam kim?
McGee: Actually it's from Chip.
Tony: Great, now I'm getting crap from lab monkies.
McGee: Not for much longer.
Tony: I knew boss would get me out of here.What do you have, Probie?
McGee: Well, hopefully the body that goes with those legs.
Tony: What do you mean hopefully.
McGee: Well Abby matched the legs you severed----
Tony: I didn't sever any legs!
McGee: Sorry, slip of the tounge.The legs you supposedly severed to a Carla Johnson.Who, you are not gonna believe this...
Tony: I'll believe it if it gets me out of here.
McGee: She's alive.
Tony: With no legs.
McGee: Oh no, she's got legs.
(Tony grabs McGee throught the bars)
McGee: Tony.
Tony: Prison changes a man.
McGee: Tony, come on man.
Fornell: I'll take care of him.
Gibbs: I know. But I wanna be kept in the loop.
Fornell: Oh, now I'm hurt. Are you saying you don't trust me?
Gibbs: Whoever set this up, Tobias, is a pro. If this were to go to court right now, DiNozzo would not stand a chance!
Episode 3.10 "Probie"
(Tony trying to cheer up McGee at McGee's apartment)
McGee: What do you want?
Tony: When the going gets tough, the tough go clubbing.
(McGee, pondering his professional background compared to other NCIS agents...)
McGee: God only knows what Ziva did in Mossad.
Gibbs: McGee -- less talk, more of the computer chip doo-da.
McGee: McGee with the doo-da.
Fornell: Doo-da?
Gibbs: Yeah, it's a computer term ... you wouldn't understand.
(Someone starts humming "The Camptown ladies sing this song..." and McGee, Abby and Fornell chorus "doo-da, doo-da")
Tony: DiNozzo: Big 'D', little 'i', big 'N', little 'ozzo'.
Gibbs: You have to learn to say "No.
Jenny: I did Jethro... or have you forgotten?
Gibbs: (Angrily to McGee) You ever hesitate again, because you second guessed yourself, I'll take your badge.
Gibbs: (to Ziva) McGee isn't your father and he isn't Ari. (pause) He doesn't know how to lie.
Ziva: I understand... I'd be embarrassed too. (Tony stares at her.) I shouldn't done it. But your phone kept on ringing this morning and I knew this call was important so I answered it.
Tony: You... ta.. talked to the...
Ziva: To the woman at the sperm bank. The director of a... (pause)... critical issues, yes. I'm sorry, Tony.
Tony: Huh... She had no right to tell that no one wants my sperm!
Ziva Hah! Yes! Hahaha!
Tony: (shocked) You didn't talk to her...
Ziva: So, um, no little DiNozzo's anywhere?
Gibbs: (steps into elevator on the way home. Jenny is in there) You still here?
Jenny: No, I’m the director’s doppelganger.
Gibbs: Never did know what that meant.
Tony: You ever Gibbs Slap me again David and I will slap you back harder.
Ziva: I was following orders.
Tony: The dutiful Mossad agent.
Tony: McGee, the first time I shot at someone, I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: Really. If you tell anyone, I will slap you silly.
Gibbs: So a doppelganger is someone who’s pissed?
Jenny: Yes, Agent Gibbs, this one definitely is.
Gibbs: Why?
Jenny: Why? Because you countermanded me in front of Metro Police.
Gibbs: I didn’t countermand you. You overruled me.
Jenny: Oh, semantics. (leaves elevator)
Gibbs: Is that like ‘doppelganger’?
Jenny: Get a dictionary.
Jenny: I'm flashing back to Paris. In 99. Not what you're thinking.
Gibbs: No? Then what?
Jenny: I remember you covering for another agent. Who messed up.
Gibbs: What agent was that?
Jenny: You know d*** well what agent.
Gibbs: Oh you mean the time you shot that guy?
Jenny: Did McGee blow it?
Gibbs: McGee's a probie. Probie's make mistakes. Having said that, no, I don't think he did.
Jenny: Where's the gun? The slug that was fired?
Gibbs: I dunno. But I will find out.
Jenny: The CNO's aide called me at 7am this morning. Admiral Chapman wants to know what's going on. He asked me.....what are you thinking about?
Gibbs: Paris.
Jenny: Get your mind out of the bedroom Jethro.
Ziva: You've been holding for 15 minutes. Must be important.
Tony: Yep.
Ziva: Sperm bank?
Tony: Yeah.
Ziva: Why'd you do it. You didn't need the money.
Tony: It was easier than giving blood.
Ziva: You enjoyed making those deposits. Was there a penalty for early withdrawal?
Tony: Haha. you're a sick chick David.
Gibbs: Can somebody tell me what is going on here? First Abby's lad nerd frames DiNozzo for murder and then McGee kills a cop.Did somebody break a mirror?!
Abby: Rule number eight is going to save you, McGee!
Tony: Never date a co-worker?
Ziva: Never go anyweher without your knife.
Tony: I thought that was nine.
Gibbs: Never take anything for granted.
Ziva: Huh.....There are little teenage DiNozzo's running around somewhere? (Tony stares at her) Hah! That's frightening!
McGee: I'm not like you guys.You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a marine sniper, Kare protected the president of the United States.Who know what Ziva did in Mossad.
Tony: First time I shot at someone.I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: If you tell anyone that.I will slap you silly.
Ziva: (about McGee) His goose is cooked.
Tony: You would get that one right.
Gibbs: He must've shot him from behind the wheel.
Tony: Wrong, boss!
Gibbs: Ziva....slap him!
(Ziva headslaps Tony)
(about Tony donating an for organ for his kids)
Ziva: (laughing) You, who not shate a Krispy Kreme donut, would give up a kidney?
Tony: You wouldn't understand, you're not a parent.
Episode 3.11 "Model Behavior"
Gibbs: You wanna help fix this? Then get me that reporter's number!
Jenny: You're going to apologize?
Gibbs: No, ask her to dinner!
Ziva: (To McGee and Tony) Why don't you two just agree to disagree?"
McGee: I don't agree to that.
Ziva: You really find her attractive?
Tony: Oh, yeah.
Ziva: Well, I want to shoot her.
Supermodel: Anything else we can help you with? Like some hair tips for your girlfriend here? (referring to Ziva)
McGee: No, I, uh, think that about covers it. But if you can remember anything else that might help, please give us a call. (hands her his card)
Ziva: It's called a business card. Maybe you can have one of the Marines read it to you?
Tony: I didn't make a single broadcast!
McGee: I wish I could say the same. Camera must've added about 10 pounds to me.
Tony: Actually, that was your refrigerator, Probie.
Tony: That guy dates supermodels?
Ziva: They're shallow, he's wealthy. It's a perfect match. ...Isn't your family wealthy?
Tony: That's different.
Ziva: Why?
Tony: My dad cut me off when I was twelve. Had to earn all my dates the old fashioned way.
Ziva: Begging?
Ziva: I think it backfired large time.
Tony: It's Big time.
Gibbs: You writing a gossip column, Palmer?
Palmer: (stammering) I was just informing Dr. Mallard that, that...that he...we...I... (walks off)
Gibbs: Hey, Abs! Got some good news for ya. Just talked to the director and your new assistant starts Monday.
Abby: No, Gibbs! No! I can't go through that again! (notices Gibbs' smile) That is so not funny!
Gibbs: No?
Abby: No!
Gibbs: It was to me!
Gibbs: Accidental overdose, Duck?
Ducky: I doubt it; she had enough PCP in her system to kill a small... water buffalo.
Gibbs: Water buffalo?
Ducky: I tire of small horse...
Abby: Told you he wouldn't show. Pay up.
McGee: Got change for a 20?
Abby: No.
Jenny: This must have been a very difficult letter for her to write.
Gibbs: Probably harder for him to read, no-one likes getting dumped by Postal Express.
Jenny: Maybe he didn't listen. Relationships change. Some people don't know what to let go.
Tony: Tell her what you do the rest of the time, heh, Probie.
McGee: That's not TV.
Tony: He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.
McGee: It's an Elf Lord.
Tony: Whatever.
Abby: My top three are falling into a wood chipper, drowning in lava and being eaten by a shark.
McGee: I’m guessing you’ve thought about this before.
Abby: On and off for the last 25 years.
McGee: You know, I read a statistic says you’re more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark.
Abby: Not if you’re a seal.
Tony: You think Gibbs watched the news last night?
Ziva: I know the Director did. He's been up in her office for the past half and hour.
Tony: Hm. Anyone else think that they were more than just partners back in the day. Hoh! Hi Boss. We were just talking about Cagney and Lacey. It's a real good show.
Jenny: Gibbs? Where are you?
Gibbs: I'm right behind you.
Jenny: I really hate it when you do that.
Ziva: You are aware that I've never - performed an interrogation without inflicting some sort of pain?
Gibbs: [to Tony, about his black roses] Your flowers are dead.
McGee: [arriving at a motel] Millions of dollars, a supermodel girlfriend, and this is where he stays?
Gibbs: Well, he showed up in style.
McGee: I think I would've rather slept in the car.
Abby: (holding a vase of black roses) They're for you.
Tony: They're really black. Really, really black.
Abby: It's pretty cool, huh?
Tony: Yeah. (reads the card) Get well soon?
Abby: They didn't have a card that said "Sorry I almost sent you to prison" at the flower shop. Tony: Almost? You actually did send me to prison.
Abby: Well, not for good.
Tony: I don't know what to say. Abby, these...
Abby: Just say that you don't hate me.
Tony: I could never hate you. I don't think anyone could hate you.
Abby: Oh, you don't know Billy Bob.
Tony: You gave him black roses?
Abby: No. I gave him two black eyes. He tried to fun me over with a Harley Fat Boy when I was sleeping in the living room.
Tony: A guy rode a motorcycle through your living room?
Abby: Yeah. No. Well it was his living room. My Harley. Billy Bob had, um, intimacy issues. (handing him black roses) now Don't forget to water them, or they'll die.
Tony: (under his breath) I thought they already were dead.
Abby: Two things I know. One, I like cream filling. And two, this was her last meal. I think we're looking at death by Klowny Kake.
Episode 3.12 "Boxed In"
Tony: What is it about danger and uncertainty that makes me feel so-
Ziva: Horny?
Tony: (pause) hungry.
Ziva: You know what? You're brilliant! Genius!
Tony: You know sarcasm is the refuge of a shallow mind?
(Ziva lands on top of Tony to protect him from a ricocheting bullet.)
Tony: Why are you on top of me?
Ziva: I'm protecting you.
Tony: Well don't.
Ziva: You didn't seem to mind when we were under cover.
Tony: That might have something to do with the fact that you were naked.
Ziva: Perhaps if it were warmer in here.
Tony: Really. Let me rephrase the question. Why are you still on top of me?
Ziva: Best dating movie?
Tony: Night of the Living Dead. I'm kidding.
(Captors speaking foreign language)
Tony: You understand that gibberish?
Ziva: A little.
Tony: What's he saying?
Ziva: They're either discussing letting us go, or the best way to murder us. It's a complicated language!
Tony: Friction burns? (on Ziva's knees)
Ziva: Yeah, what difference does it make?
Tony: Ah, it doesn't. I was just wondering how you got 'em.
Ziva: Well, if you live long enough, maybe I'll tell you someday.
Tony: You know, I can only think of two ways. Were you and McGee and Palmer playing Twister?
Ziva: What's a Twister?
Tony: Exactly. That means you were having... (gets interrupted)
Ziva: Counting your riches, King Cole?
Tony: Midas. King Cole had a merry old soul.
Ziva: (About her phone reception) I'm braless.
Tony: Yeah, I noticed that earlier. But on your phone, they're bars.
Tony: I've got a plan ... we build a time machine.
Tony: I was going to say that your life would have had more meaning if you had slept with me.
Ziva: If you had anything else on your mind perhaps I would have.
Tony: Reeeally?
Ziva: Um, no.
Tony: So, riddle me this Badgirl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?
Ziva: Why, feel a little left out, Tony?
Tony: I mean, McGee, I can understand. He's a good guest. I bet he brought a bottle of wine.
Ziva: And dessert.
Tony: Yeah, big surprise there. But Palmer? I've had more stimulating conversations with cats.
Tony: Hey, listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know....
Ziva: This is not your fault, Tony.
Tony: Uh, no, I was going to say your life would have had more meaning if you would have slept with me.
Ziva: If you had anything else on your mind, perhaps I would have.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: No.
Tony: (after finding explosives) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Ziva: Perhaps, if it involves a violent and painful death.
Ziva: Oh yeah, maybe they didn't hear the massive fire fight so lets just waste the little ammunition we have left! You know what? You're brilliant! Genious!
Tony: You know sarcasm is the refuge of a shallow mind.
Tony: Maybe there's a crate full of dvd players in here.
Ziva: Ooh, let's not forget the battery opereated generators and popcorn machines!
Ziva: I think we're screwed in here, Tony.
Tony: The term is bolted.
Ziva: Same difference.
Ducky: You'll find them, Jethro.
Gibbs: Is that a question or a statement?
Ducky: (to himself) More of a prayer.
Gibbs: They were caught in the cross fire.
McGee: Boss you don't think......well...should we put divers in the water?
Gibbs: They're not in the water. McGee, if they were in the water they'd be dead.If they dead I'd know about it.
Episode 3.13 "Deception"
Abby: Thank you sir!
Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby: Thank you ma'am!
Ziva (leaning over Tony's shoulder reading his email): I didn't know your nickname was Honey Buns.
Gibbs (walking in, catching them out): Only Naomi and I call him that.
Ziva: Why do they insist on calling it football when you don't use your feet?
Tony: I hadn't thought about that. Well, we kick it sometimes
Gibbs: How many times do I have to tell you he's not a toy.
Abby: Can we continue with this, or are you guys gonna make out for a while?
(Tony sees that Ziva's hands and feet are bandaged and covered in blood.)
Tony: I thought you said you were at Pilates.
Ziva: Well isn't that one of your martial arts?
Tony: No, it's kind of like expensive stretching.
Ziva: Well then I guess I wasn't doing a Pilates. Do you mind helping me with this? (indicating her bandages)
Tony: Yes I do mind. Who's blood is that?
Ziva: Not mine.
Ziva: They say they bought their phones from another boy.
Gibbs: This boy have a name?
Ziva: I'm sure he does. They however, claim not to know it.
Tony: They also claim this isn't their beer.
Ziva (while Gibbs is tipping the beer out): You don't think I know they're lying? (jumps back from beer) Thank you! 'Cause I do. They're only children...
Tony: Actually they're teenagers.
Ziva: Whatever. The little one was about to cry. You have to draw the line somewhere Gibbs. I mean, these boys are not potential suicide bombers. (Gibbs smirks) And I don't interrogate children.
Gibbs: No, you don't Ziva. (Put beer cans in Tony's hands) You talk to 'em.
Security Officer: No don't shoot, don't shoot!
Tony: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone, right Officer David?
Ziva: He called me a dirt bag.
Security Officer: I'm sorry ma'am.
Ziva: (looking more irritated) Ma'am?
Abby: Yes, railroad tracks would be an obvious choice. But there isn't a 2nd thunk or a thack not even a thonk on the track.
Tony: Have you been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby: (smiles) You know I love me some Theodor Geisel!
Tony: (to the teenaged boys) Well, I, like, think you're, like, totally, like, lying, like. You wanna know why?
Danny: 'Cause you're old?
Tony: Okay, relax, quick-draw. We're feds.
Security Officer: Oh yeah? What agency?
Tony: N -
Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Tony: (to Ziva) You never actually get used to it. You think you will, but you never do.
Tony: (While filling Gibbs in on the Lt.'s call) That's a nice suit ....Didn't get married again, did ya....?
Gibbs: (Long Cold Glare at Tony) If you have more DiNozzo, now would be a good time .......
Gibbs: Did you get her home address, DiNozzo?
Tony: Yah Boss....
Gibbs: Then why are you still here? Are you looking for an invitation, Officer David?
Ziva: Oh! So you did get married....
Tony: He means you're with me
Ziva: I knew that!
Tony (to Ziva): No one likes a show off!
Ziva: Does a bear sit in the woods
Logan: Are you the cracker jack team on this job?
Tony: She's Israeli"
Ziva: "Look, I know i got the bear thing right."
Ziva: Peanut Butter and Jelly yes?
Logan: Actually no, it stands for Perverts Brought to Justice.
Ziva: I hate clowns
Tony: No little red light means the radio not working.
Ziva: (about Gibbs' driving) And they have a problem with my driving?
McGee: Tim and Dan must be pretty scared of you, huh?
Geckler: What makes you say that?
McGee: Come on, they're obviously geeks. Ah, we used to shove them into lockers, pull their gym shorts off in class, drop their books down the toilet. (Geckler smiles) It's even better if they start crying, right?
Geckler: Well, or wet their pants. (they both laugh)
McGee: Yeah, that too. And you know what the best part is, when you get older you're not going to remember their names, but you know what? They're always going to remember you. It's pretty cool, huh?
Geckler: You know, I really haven't thought about it too much.
McGee: Well I have. (spins Geckler's chair around) You know why? Because I was one of those kids! And I've been looking forward to this day my entire life, dirtbag!
Geckler: I didn't do anything!
McGee: I've got you for aiding and abetting a kidnapping, interferring in a Federal Investigation, and selling stolen property! You know what that means? That mean they can try you as an adult, Geck! (McGee flicks Geckler's neck)
McGee: And when you in prison, every night when you're crying yourself to sleep, I want you to think of me tough guy! We're done here! See ya in court! (starts to leave the interogation room)
Ziva: Lt. Commander Wilkinson drives a 2002 silver Jetta.
Tony: Figures...
Ziva: What figures?
Tony: Chick car.
Ziva: Meaning?
Tony: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact.
Ziva: Was it a government study?
Tony: It's just a thing you know, you don't know how you know it, you just do. Sebring, Liberty, Jetta and Bug; whole VW line are all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser: all guy. Hummer is very guy, but with adequacy issues, and then there is some that go both ways.
[Ziva hits the breaks and points at a car]
Tony: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But, case in point, Mini Cooper and Accura follow the same category.
Ziva: You've giving this a lot of thought, it's very sad.
Tony: Then there is the Miata, it's a special case: Leans to chick, but can go guy, usually means he's in denial, though......Stop!
Ziva: Gladly, if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues.
McGee: I keep losing his connection in Madrid!
Abby: Okay that's it! You need a break!
McGee: We don't have time for breaks, Abby.
[Abby pushes his chair into her office]
Abby: We don't! But you do!
Gibbs: [enters] How many times have I told you, he's not a toy.
Security Officer: No, don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Tony: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone, right Offiver David?
Ziva: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer: I'm sorry ma'am! Ziva: (angry) Ma'am?!
(Tony sighs, exsaperated and covers his face with his hand)
Tony: Well, I like, think you're, like, totally, like, lying, like.You wanna know why?
Danny: Cause you're old?
Tony: That's a funny guy.Playing a dangerous game, small fry. (picks up ringing phone) Ops, yes, DiNozzo.Hey Maddy, I need to requistion two sets of genital cuffs, and I gotta requistion the Mark 5 taser again.No, you don't have to clean 'em, I'll wear rubber gloves.
Tony: Relax, quick draw.We're feds.
Security Officer: Yeah? Which agency?
Tony/Ziva: NCIS.
Security Officer: Never heard of it.
Ziva: Nacal Criminal Investigative Serv----.
Security Officer: Never heard of it!
Tony: You never actually get used to it.You think you will, but you never do.
Ziva: Why don't I think what she said is a good thing?
DiNozzo: Because you're a better agent than you are a driver.
Tony: Do you know what I like about coming to work on a Sunday?
Ziva: Relaxed dress code?
Tony: Actually no, it offers us the unique chance to get a glimpse into the private life of our co workers.
Ziva: Except I have no interest in your life.
Episode 3.14 "Light Sleeper"
Palmer: It's like I always say, you can pick your nose but you can't pick your family.
Ducky: There's a touch of the poet in you, Mr.Palmer.
Tony: I'd say you're just more touched.
Gibbs: Tony, Ziva, what happened back there with that bomb.....I just want you to know....
Tony: You don't have to say it, boss, we know how you feel about us.
Ziva: We are a team, Gibbs.It's what we do.
Gibbs: I was going to say if either one of you two wing-nuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Tony: That's our boss!
Gibbs: What did the urine tell you Abby?
Abby: Oh, all kinds of stuff, we had a really good talk.
Ziva: McGee you look like you've seen a goat.
McGee: Its ghost, like you've seen a ghost.
McGee: Boss, Did you find her?
Gibbs: Yes McGee, She's hiding in my coffee cup.
Abby: Either that's a coincidence or she really really wants to kill this guy.
Abby and Tony (together, imitating Gibbs): I don't believe in coincidence.
Gibbs (when Abby talked too much): Don't say that I slapped McGee for no good reason!
Gibbs: McGee, you know, the FBI doesn't exist solely to piss me off... Sometimes, they can actually be useful.
Gibbs: Sign of an unhappy marriage.
Ziva: Funny. I think it looks like a hole in the wall.
Ziva: This isn't one of your stuipd action movie, Tony.
Tony: No it isn't.If it wa you would you'd be dressed differently.
Ziva: And you'd be far better looking.
(McGee laughs)
Tony: (to McGee) You'd be dead by the opening credits!
McGee: Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?
McGee: (Abby punches his arm) What was that for?
Abby: For mocking my groundbreaking police work.
McGee: I wasn't mocking your--- (Abby makes a fist) It won't happen again.
(Tony is carrying on about celebrity gossip)
Gibbs: DiNozzo, shut up.
Tony: Shutting up, boss.
McGee: Not exactly groundbreaking police work here.
(Gibbs smacks him)
Gibbs: She's not done yet.
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.
Abby: I guess you don't need a lot of stopping power when you're gunning down housewifes.
Gibbs: What about gunshot residue?
Abby: The instant shooter kit came back negative on Porter's skin, shirt, and pants.
Gibbs: Could've worn gloves....
Abby: Or he could've changed clothes.I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs.That's why I'm doing a full analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe.
(As Gibbs) How long, Abby?
(As herself) Well, it's gonna take some time.And since this stuff doens't smell very good, I don't think laundry was a prioity.
(As Gibbs) Abs!
(As herself) Um, two hours.Whenever I know something, you'll know something.
(As Gibbs) You got one.Anything else?
(As herself) Yes, as a matter of fact, this is for you. (hands him a cup of coffee.)
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training.We were about to do trust falls and some of those guys in administration have wandering hands.
(As Gibbs) Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you.
(As herself) I know you will Gibbs.And that is why I love you.
(Gibbs kisses her cheek)
(There's a large bomb set to go off)
Gibbs: Go, go on, get out of here.Get a clear distance away, I'll handle it from here.
Tony: I don't care how hard you wack me, boss, I'm not going anywhere.
Ziva: Nor am I.
Gibbs: If we survive this, you're both fired.
McGee: Did it ever occur to you that I might be the plucky comic relief?
Gibbs: (enters) Did you find Yoon Dawson yet, plucky?
(Tony and Ziva are waiting for Gibbs to intertogate a suspect)
Tony: This is gonna be good.Gibbs'll rip this guy apart.
Ziva: I don't know if that's the right tatic in this case, Tony.
Tony: What, are you an expert on suspect interviews now?
Ziva: Interviews. no.Interrogation techniques, yes.
Tony: Hmm, like look hooking a car battery up to a guys's privates? I'm sure it's effective, but judges tend to frown on it.
Ziva: I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey.
Tony: Flies.
Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
Tony: Flies.....don't like.....uh, vinegar.
Ziva: Vinegar?
Tony: It's complicated.
Tony: It's like my father used to tell me: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony.You never know if they're gonna turn out to be a maniac serial killer.
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: He probably knew your taste in women.
Episode 3.15 "Head Case"
Jenny: Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as Director, I went in there and slapped that smile off her face?
Gibbs: Yeah, it would. That's what you have me for.
Tony: Sleepless in Seattle?
Ziva: That was about voodoo?
Tony: No, but the first time I saw it, scared the bejezus out of me.
Abby: Lay some tissue samples on me Duckman.
Palmer: (as he was cutting tissue samples from Wayne's head for Abby-grinning) Soo... dark meat or white?
Abby: ...
Palmer: Inappropriate?
Abby: With a big dash of creepy, Jimmy.
Ziva: Why doesn't Tony just sleep with her? It's a viable interrogation technique.
Gibbs: I've done it.
Ziva: Me too.
Tony: Hey, Boss, I was just about to call you.
Gibbs: What a coincidence. I’m just about to put my boot up your--
Jenny: We had a saying in Europe. Whatever Gibbs doesn’t know…
Tony: Can’t hurt him.
Jenny: No. Can’t hurt us.
Ziva: (to Tony) I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.
Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, I want to know about anybody in the area who's made threats against Koreans, foreign Marine wives, or women.
Tony: Oh, is that all? (Gibbs kicks DiNozzo's desk) On it boss!
Gibbs: (to McGee) Come on, you're with me Elf Lord.
Tony: (about their sensitivity training) There's gotta be a way out of this. Maybe I could injure myself. (Ziva bends back one of his fingers) OW!
Ziva: What? I was only trying to help.
Tony: You thinking what I'm thinking?
McGee: Yeah, that we've just walked into an episode of the X-files.
Episode 3.16 "Family Secret"
Ducky- (to a body that's been blown up) I do apologize; usually one scraping is sufficient. But you my friend are oh, so crispy.
Ziva: We've been barking up the wrong tree the entire investigation.
Tony: Bush"
Ziva: Sorry. Barking up the wrong...bush?
Tony: (grins) Tree.
Gibbs: Any chance of getting the call logs?
Abby: I'd have a better chance of getting McGee to wear a a Speedo to church.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, shut up!
Tony: Shutting up, Boss!
Jenny: (to Gibbs) I learnt how to speak "Gibbs" a long time ago.
Tony: (to McGee) I have information you want, you have information I want... shall we dance?
Gibbs: Ziva caved first, then McGee and my faithful St. Bernard last.
Abby: Can I at least get a drum roll?
Gibbs: Ta da.
Abby: Pa-thetic.
Gibbs: You wanted to see me Duck?
Ducky: (busy dialling a phone number) Yes, I did. I was just about to call you… It’s not a wonder DiNozzo is always looking over his shoulder…
Jenny: So what's bugging that famous gut now? Yes, you're that easy to read.
Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is......yes.
Ziva: And what's the question?
Tony: Have I no shame?
Gibbs: Ducky?
Ducky: Yes?
Gibbs: Mystery.
[Tony & Ziva are looking at a picture of a girl from McGee's iPod on the Plasma]
Gibbs: Put it back up there.
Tony: Put what back? [Gibbs headslaps Tony]
Gibbs: McGee’s got good taste. Going for coffee. [Gibbs headslaps Ziva]
Ziva: Ow! What was that for?
Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.
Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.
Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!
McGee: Or die trying.
Tony: Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?
Abby: I found calcium which is present in human bones, but no phosphorus.
Gibbs: Which means?
Abby: There really is no foreplay with you, is there, Gibbs?
Gibbs: What, you been talking to my ex-wives again?
Episode 3.17 "Ravenous"
Tony: She's dead. It was a pottery accident.
Abby: You're getting sneakier the older you get.
Gibbs: Not to mention better looking.
Tony: Trust me, you gotta see this (pulls Ziva out of the elevator)
Ziva: I'd rather be taking a shower Tony...
Tony: It's every newbie's worst nightmare.
Ziva: Not a big fan of nature huh?
Tony: Oh.. I'm a big fan of nature as long as it's on TV.
McGee: They drinking cappuccinos?
Tony: Probably fueling up for the banjo dueling contest later.
Ziva: What's that?
McGee: Those are, uh, scones. Sort of like an English-coffee-pastry-
Tony: I think, Probie, that Ziva was referring to the jar next to the scones. Those are pickled pigs' feet, Ziva. I think you'd enjoy them.
Ziva: I'll pass on that. They're not exactly kosher.
Ziva: Mind if I take a bat nap?
Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.
McGee: He's been on leave the past six days.
Tony: Nice vacation. Little camping, knife to the heart. Little trip inside a bears digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah, I'd fire my travel agent.
Tony: Yeah.
Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction
Tony: You don't know how to say 'porcupine' but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction.
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theatres in my country.
Tony: People with guns make me nervous.
Ziva: I've noticed.
Tony: I was talking about you actually.
Ziva: Eh.
Ziva: I said no, I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.
Tony: The term is easy.
Ziva: What's that difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup.
Gibbs: I’ve had a few wives, Abby.
Abby: And yet, you know so little about women.
Ziva: (Referring to the obligation the probies have to witness an autopsy) We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy? [One of the probies vomits]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: (Walking in) It depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.
Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.
Abby: I was just about to call Tony and McGee.I think they were having sex.
Ziva: (surprised) Tony and McGee?
Abby: No!
Tony: Maybe she drove here on her own.That's why nobody saw her with Riley.Registration could give us a name.
Ziva: I assume Gibbs would have checked that out last night.
Tony: Rule number eight.Never assume anything.
Ziva: To be precise it's never take anything for granted.
Tony: To be more precise, what would you do if I started head-slapping you?
Ziva: I'd most likely kill you.It's, uh, a reflex thing.
Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you because you're a female.
Ziva: He's not trying to protect me.He's afraid I'll kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.
Ziva: Great, it'll be like trying to find a in a haystack.
Tony: Needle in a haystack.
Ziva: Well, aren't pins just as hard to find?
Tony/McGee: No.
Episode 3.18 "Bait"
McGee: New shoes
Ducky: What happened?
Jenny: Gibbs happened. He went in to deliver an inhaler and was asked to stay.
(Director Shepard is checking up on Tony’s command via the phone)
Director Shepard: If the time comes you cannot hesitate, you cannot second guess yourself...
(Tony, annoyed, throws his hat down)
Tony: OK, if you don’t trust me I suggest you relieve me. Otherwise leave me alone. I’ve got work to do ma’am. (Tony slams his phone off)
Director Shepard: Gibbs has rubbed off on him.
Ducky: That’s a positive thing.
Director Shepard: He isn’t Gibbs, Ducky.
Ducky: No, but he’s very capable.
(Gibbs is being held hostage in a high school classroom while Tony speaks with the hostage taker Cody)
Cody: Your agent says he’s a negotiator. (referring to Gibbs)
Tony: That’s right. He’s my best man.
Cody: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.
Tony: He always had an attitude problem.
Tony: We need eyes in that classroom.
Ziva: SRT snaked cameras through the vents here and here. Both were taped shut. Cody was covering his plates.
Tony: Bases.
Tony: Giving you an update. I wanna let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for you mum.
Kody: Don't come back until you find her. I won't tell you again.
Tony: Alright, I'm going.
Agent: How are you gonna tell Gibbs the kids' mum's dead?
Tony: I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.
Tony: I can't stand doing nothing while everyone else is working.
Ziva: Well, then do something!
McGee: You know Tony, this might actually might work.
Tony: Don't sound so surprised Probie.
Gibbs: Nautical, civilian, or astronomical?
Kody: What?
Gibbs: Which sunset, there are three?
Kody: Before it gets dark.
Gibbs: Astronomical.
Kody: (to a kid about Gibbs) Search him.You know, like they do on Cops.
Tony: How long?
McGee: Depends.They could be using counter attack software.If they're using a sophicticated encryption system.It could be one hundred twenty-eight even two hundred fifty-six bit...
Tony: Probie!
McGee: On it, boss!
(Tony smirks)
Ziva: What?
Tony: He called me boss.
Ziva: Yeah, he'll never live it down.
Tony: Nope.
Episode 3.19 "Iced"
McGee: Something wrong, boss?
Gibbs: Just admiring your feminine glow.
Cesar: So like, you don't got no questions for me.
Tony: (playing a game on his cell phone with his feet up on the table) That's a double negative.
Cesar: Huh?
Tony: Don't got no, is a double negative. It's a non standard use of two negative words in the same sentence. Cancels each other out and creates a positive.
(McGee asks Ziva if he really does act like a homosexual.)
Ziva: I think he's jerking your brain
McGee: Chain? Jerking my chain?
Ziva: Whatever. I think you're suitably masculine. But macho...
McGee: You don't think I'm macho?
Gibbs (walking in): If you have to ask...
Gibbs: You expecting an 'Atta Boy'?
Tony: I thought it would be nice
Gibbs: (stroking Tony's head) Atta Boy.
Tony: This isn't about orientation. It's about image.
Ziva: So now your image is homo-pubic?
Tony: The term is homophobic and no. Prejudice of any kind is an ugly thing.
Ducky: Yes, I once performed an autopsy on a man who drowned in his kitchen sink. Yes, apparently, he couldn't remove the drain plug and attempted to use his teeth.
Tony: Ziva, hablar Espanol?
Ziva: Si, mucho.
Tony: Oh. Bueno.
Casar: So like, you don't got no questions for me?
Tony: That's a double neagtive.
Casar: Huh?
Tony: Don't got no, it's a double negative.It's a standard use of two negative words in the same sentance.Cancle each other out and create a positive.Actually in Shakesperes day the double negative was used as a nathatic, but now it's just considered a mistake.Not sure if that's what you intended, pretty sure it's not.Pretty sure you meant do I have any questions and the answer to that question is I have no questions.Do have some observations though.Casar, that's an interesting name.Obviously derived from Ceaser, that was a powerful dude.My name's Anthony, friends call me Tony, which spelled backwards it Ynot.Anyway, in the peeking order I'm guessing you're somewhere between the guy who goes out and buys the spray paint that you use for tagging anf the guy who digs it out from under your bosses nails.
Casar: (says something in spanish, then) You don't know who you're messing with! One word from me and my crew will have you es-splattered---
Tony: You're crew?
Casar: Yes.
Tony: That's funny, I thougt it was Migel Sosa's crew.Interesting.
Casar: Sosa said to ask you why you let your people live so far from work.La vato McGee and that Isreali chicka all that way out in, ah, Silver Spring.Long way, si? What if they need you pronto?
Gibbs: Threating my people, is never a good idea!
McGee: The manicure was only once and it was because I tore a cutical.
Tony: You just set off gaydar across the whole Atlantic ocean.
Episode 3.20 "Untouchable"
Tony: Ahhhhh!
Ziva: Don't tell me your afraid of a little *****...cat...Tony?
Tony: Hey, buddy. Look what I got! Who found your favorite little carrot toy? Come here. Come here. Here. Yeah. Good kitty.
(reaches into carrier, cat hisses and screeches) !
(laughter from "Probies")
Tony (glaring around at "Probies"): You think that’s funny, Probies? Huh? Did I hear a little chuckle back here in the peanut gallery? Is that it? You want to know how the blood got there? Hm? You think that’s funny? I’ll tell you how it got there. Garfield over there. We found that animal feasting on this woman’s face. Doctor Mallard thinks that this kitty cat is rabid. Me? I’m of the opinion that it’s a man eater. He likes the taste of human flesh. It starts with the cheeks. Then it moves to the lips. Soft lips. Then it works on the tongue a little bit until it’s just a little nub. A lot of blood in the tongue. Guys, there was blood spewing from this poor woman’s maw. Get a kick out of this now? You think this is funny, Chuckle Head. That’s what it was feasting on when we found it. It took four tranquilizers and three--
Ziva (rolling her eyes): That’s very dramatic, Tony. Can we get back to work now?
(Gibbs is interrogating a suspect. Ziva and Tony observe)
Ziva: This woman is such a turd!
Tony: A what?!
Ziva: A geek, yes?
Tony: Oh you mean nerd.
Abby: Mrs. Mallard, would you like to see my mass spectrometer?
Mrs. Mallard: What a charming young lady. Of course I would, my dear. What is a mass speedometer? Does it move very fast?
(Ziva crashed into a suspects car to stop them from getting to the airport and asked Tony to take the blame.)
Gibbs: (To Tony and Ziva) Roca is at the airport!
Tony: Yeah, that's my fault Boss. I take full responsibility... I shouldn't have let Ziva drive
Abby: Rough night?
Ziva: Is there any other kind with Gibbs?
Ziva: I'm begging you. Please.
Tony: No. No way. I don't care how nice you are, how much you bribe me, or how much you threaten me. Not filling out the paperwork.
Ziva: It's not the filing of the accident report I object to. I'd prefer if you said you were driving the car.
Tony: Well that would be lying and lying is bad.
Ziva: Would you just listen to me?!
Tony: I'm listening.
Ziva: You're right. I'm sorry. I've been at NCIS for a short while, and it would look very bad to have another accident on my dossier.
Tony: Another accident?
Ziva: I've had some...difficulties.
Tony: Some indicates more than one. How many?
Ziva: It that really important? (Tony looks at her) Three. But the second was not my fault. Now are you going to help me? Yes or no?
Tony: Well, that depends. What's in it for me?
Ziva: Anything you want.
Tony: Anything?
Tony: Old bat that lives next door to me complains every time I bring a date home. Wanna know why?
Ziva: Shouting of 'No means no!'?
Tony: Huh, was a good one, but not even close.
Tony: Can I ask you a question?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: You really think I smell?
Ziva: (laughs) I was just kidding Tony.
Tony: (farts) What about now?
Ziva: You are disgusting. You do that again and I'll shoot you.
Tony: Hello, this is Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo. You've called a crime scene, we're wiretapping this phone so please be advised that we will be contacting you at your home.
Telemarketer: My home?
Tony: Any time, day or night, probably during the weekend, early in the morning. (hangs up) That was fun.
Ziva: (laughing) Your mother drank your monkeys?!
Secret Service Agent: How do you like NCIS?
Tony: It has its moments.
Abby: Stop being so “Palmer,” Jimmy.
Ducky: Sadly, one less reader in the world.
Palmer: Who committed suicide. (Gets a look from Ducky and Gibbs) Or maybe she was just cleaning her gun too close to her head.
Ziva: I am what you american's call a screamer, yes?
(Phone rings)
Tony: Answer it.
Ziva: What am I supposed to say?
Tony: I don't know, scream something.
Tony: (to Ziva) Remember when we superglued McGee's face to the desk?
Ducky: Mr. Palmer, will you chain my mother to the chair while I tell Agent Gibbs what I've found?
Gibbs: Too much caffeine is not good for you, Abby.
Ziva: I'm impressed. The diplomat takes the blame, we get our mole, and your cover remains intact, Captain. I'll have to remember that one.
Tony: Or you could just rent 'No Way Out'.
Tony: That's why I never had pets.
Ziva: You've never had any pets?
Tony: Well, I had Sea Monkeys once.
Ziva: What's a Sea Monkey?
Tony: Basically, brine shrimps swimming around in green water. (Ziva makes a face) I know, I thought the same thing.
Ziva: What happened to them?
Tony: My mother got their sea castle confused with her Mint Julip.
Ziva: You mother drank your monkies?
Tony: It was the seventies.
Gibbs: Explains allot.
Episode 3.21 "Bloodbath"
Tony (to McGee): Where's your chair?
Gibbs: He doesn't deserve to sit.
(Abby breaks a bit of Gibbs' boat)
Abby: Suddenly having a stalker on the loose isn't so scary.
Abby: This is so embarrassing! Okay, in my defense, what self-respecting drug dealer cuts his cocaine with potassium cyanide.
McGee: Obviously one that doesn't care about repeat business.
Abby: McGee! You came all the way down here to see me in my court suit!
McGee: ...No...
Abby: You totally did!
McGee: No, I did not...
Abby: Your mouth lies but your red ears are telling the truth!
(on the phone with Mawher)
Abby: And if I don't what? You are going to tear up that nice collage you were making for me?
Jenny: I picked a bad week to cut out caffeine
Gibbs: Abu Saif?
Jenny: Singapore’s mole believes that they’ve infiltrated a prepositioned ship at Diego Garcia (watches Gibbs drink from his coffee cup). I’ll fill you in later. How’s Abby?
Gibbs: She’s scared.
Jenny: I thought that Mawher fellow had an airtight alibi.
Gibbs: Alibi, yes. Airtight—
Jenny: Is that….Jamaican blend? Yeah.
Gibbs: Alibi, yes. Airtight, no. Last thing a homicide cop worries about is his clean-up guy.
Jenny: Yeah, well your clean-up guy just made an interesting play. Abby’s been subpoenaed again.
Gibbs: I thought she was done with the court.
Jenny: She was, until the defence got an anonymous email saying that the consultant for the prosecution had gone into protective custody.
Gibbs: Mawher must have found out.
Jenny: You don’t use cream and sugar, do you? (Gibbs shakes his head) Hm.
Gibbs: Mawher must’ve found out about the case from Abby’s computer.
Jenny: And now he’s trying to lure her out.
Gibbs: Does the defence know they’re being used?
Jenny: They don’t care. My guess is that they’re gonna use Abby’s restraining order to claim that her judgment is faulty (watches Gibbs drink more coffee).
Gibbs: Her judgment?
Jenny: Yeah. The defence is gonna argue that she makes bad choices. I don’t know this defence lawyer. I’ve never dealt with her, but obviously she likes to win.
Gibbs: She does.
Jenny: You know her?
Gibbs: Yeah, I thought I did. If she wants to talk to Abby, she can do it here (starts to walk out)
Jenny: Yeah, agreed. I’ll past it on. Jethro, could you leave--?
Gibbs: I already did, Jen. (Gibbs leaves, Jenny looks across to see that Gibbs left his coffee for her).
Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee! That's for cute girls named Gina Marie who bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow.
Abby: (as she zapped the baddie) And don't you dare look up my skirt!
McGee: Bed time. I'll take the sleeping bag.
Abby: We're adults, McGee. We can share the same bed.
McGee: (Seeing Abby playing with his typewriter) If you promise to keep your hands to yourself.
Abby: Clearly, you haven't. Your shirt (Abby is wearing McGee's shirt) smells like J.Lo Glow. Oh, I can't find my toothbrush; I think it fell out in your car.
McGee: That's all right. Your old one's still in my bathroom.
Abby:You kept my old toothbrush? That's a little creepy, McGee. Maybe you should take the sleeping bag.
McGee: What is creepy about it? I just never bothered to throw it out. (Abby brings a toothbrush out of the bathroom) What?
Abby: This is not my toothbrush.
McGee: Well, then I must have bought a second one and forgot about it.
Abby: It's a ladybug toothbrush McGee. It's for cute girls named Jeana Marie that bake cookies and wear J.Lo Glow. Not for quasi-manly federal agents who carry a gun.
McGee: Are you going to use it or not?
Abby: An anonymous toothbrush? I'd rather remove my own tonsils with Typhoid Mary's straight razor.
McGee: Where are you going?
Abby: To get my toothbrush.
McGee: No. No, you're not leaving the apartment.
Abby: Why not McGee? We both know Gibbs is just being over-protective.
McGee: I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about me if Gibbs finds out I let you leave.
Abby: That's a really good point. You go.
McGee: I'm not leaving you alone either.
Abby: Fine then I'll just use your toothbrush.
McGee: (grabs his coat) Do not answer the door for anyone. (leaves) (someone knocks on the door, Abby answers it)
McGee: I told you not to answer the door for anyone!
Abby: What'd you forget?
McGee: My keys.
Abby: Why do you need your keys if I'm here?
McGee: My car keys. Now, if you answer the door for anyone, I will tie you up.
Abby (excited): Really?
(Gibbs is visiting Abby's stalker ex-boyfriend)
Gibbs: The only reason you're still able to walk is because I never heard about you until today.
Michael: We just got off on the wrong foot.
Abby: The wrong foot?!? The only right foot is my foot up your--
Michael: Abby!
McGee: Or, maybe it was just a lab accident. I mean, really, who would wanna kill Abby?
Ziva: You know that's true. It's not like someone was after Tony.
McGee: Now that's a suspect list I wouldn't want to run down again.
Tony: Ya! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I think the joke's over. We get it.
McGee: Did you request this specific room when you called the lodge?
Lillian: No we asked for the one with the eviscerated squirrels, but this was all they had.
Frank: What the h*** kind of question is that?
Gibbs: Our last one.
Ducky: (to Abby and McGee) I don't anticipate any long term side-effects.
Gibbs: Better not be. You two don't have permission to be sick.
Abby: [showing him her stun gun] Ziva gave me this. Cynthia gave me the pepper spray. The brass knuckles are Director Shepherd's.
Gibbs: No one is going to hurt you, Abby.
Abby: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Gibbs: Did it?
Abby: Yeah.Can you say it again?
Gibbs: Nobody's gonna hurt you, Abs.
(puts his arm around her)
Abby: Can I stay at NCIS until you find him?
Gibbs: Mm-hm. I'll move you're whole lab into the elevator if it will make you feel better.
(outside the lodge)
Lillian: Is it clean?
Albert: Of course it's clean, Lillian.
Lillian: Well, the last time we were here I saw a cockroach, Albert.
Albert: It wasn't a cockroach, Lillian.
Lillian: Oh, all of a sudden you're an expert.
Albert: I'm an entomologist. Thirty-two years. I think I'd know a cockroach if I saw one.
Clerk: I can assure you folks, our rooms are maintained to the highest standard of...
Lillian: Cockroach habitability?
Clerk: I was going to say cleanliness and neatness. However, if you folks are unhappy with the room in any way...
Albert: (To clerk) Stay single.
Abby: I don't understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed. Because alcohol is a depressant. Now, I'm so depressed. And I'm nauseous. And I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow I have to go fight a hangover while I'm in court, while some ambulance chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility. What is wrong with me, Gibbs? What did I do to deserve this?
Gibbs: It's not about you, Abby. It's about him.
Abby: Then why do I feel so guilty?
Gibbs: I don't know. Why do you?
Abby: Because... I think this might all be my fault.
Gibbs: Maybe it is.
Abby: How could you say that to me, Gibbs. I didn't do anything wrong. Just because some defective lunatic can't get it through his thick skull that I think he is a defective lunatic. That is not my fault......Gibbs. That is not my fault at all. (pause) This is not my fault..... I see why you like to work on you boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. (she accidentaly breaks a piece on the boat) Oops... Suddenly, having a stalker on the loose isn't so scary.
Episode 3.22 "Jeopardy"
Jenny: Gibbs thinks of me as a wife.
James: See.
Jenny: He’s had three.
Abby: Oh my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.
Ziva: I didn't touch him... Hardly at all.
Tony to Ziva: I'm afraid you'll put the Vulcan death grip on me. (13min20sec)
Cassie to Ziva: Are you sure he didn't say anything before you killed him?
Ziva gives Cassie an evil look
Cassie: I mean before he died and collapsed in your custody?
Ziva: If you put me on hold again, I will jump through this phone and strangle you!
Ziva: [as they're driving to the hangar withe Brian Dempsey in the driver's seat] Are you trying to make me sick or something, Tony?
Tony: You know what, I can't see the windshield, I'm driving with my hands, and I still think I'm a better driver than you.
Ziva: To the left!... The other left!
McGee: When I shot that cop, I felt like everyone doubted me... But after a while...
Ziva: Are you trying to make me feel better?
McGee: Is it not working?
Ziva: It's not necessary, McGee. (Ziva gently slaps McGee's cheek and laughs) Our only concern should be the Director.
McGee: You're right. (goes back to his desk)
Ziva: (to the person on the phone) You put me on hold again, and I'll jump through this phone and I will strangle you!
Operator: Hold, please.
Ziva: Hey, McGee. Nobody ever doubted you.
McGee: Just like those calls you're making aren't pointless.
Ziva: Look, I know this looks bad. I also know with Brian Dempsey dead, it's nearly impossible to bring down his South African distributors, much less prosecute his brother.
Gibbs: That's not our biggest problem here, Ziva.
Ziva: [nodding] It appears there's only one way to fix this.
[removes her gun puts it aside] I've seen it in your American movies.
[remove her badge, grabs Gibbs's hand and puts her badge in his hand] This is where I resign.
Gibbs: Next time you hand me your badge, [gives it back to her] you had better be prepared to lose it.
Ducky: I've been traveling to crime scenes for a great many years, but I can say with complete confidence this is the shortest commute I have ever had.
Jimmy: And one of the first times I didn't get us lost.
Ducky: True.
Tony: Look, we all know that Ziva has crazy Ninja skills, but I mean, she's got some self control right? Not a lot, but some. Never mind.
Gibbs: You sure this is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done, DiNozzo?
Episode 3.23 "Hiatus Part 1"
Ziva: (annoyed) Ducky, drip it!
Ducky: Do you mean "drop it," or "zip it"?
Ziva: (even more annoyed) (groans) American idioms drive me up the hall!
Ducky: Well, actually it's.... (sighs) Never mind.
Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too Ziva. Let’s go! I know what happened. (Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time) Hey! If there’s going to be any ***** slapping on this team, I’ll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake. (Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands) There we go. That wasn’t so tough. Was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on. (They hug) Now a deep tongue kiss. (Both women hit Tony) Now we feel better.
Tony: Shouldn’t he be awake by now?
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you’re asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That’s what it looks like he’s doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that’s gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn’t a nightmare.
Situation 21min15sec, Tony talks with Stevenson in the MTAC-Room. He begins:
Tony: I’ve got a better chance of hooking up with Jessica Alba than these guys do of infiltrating SeaLift. (Michael Weatherly was engaged to Jessica Alba in the early 2000's.)
Abby: McGee said that Gibbs was in a bomb blast. He tried to sound really calm, but I could hear the fear in his voice and he should be afraid, for Gibbs to be brought to the hospital in the ambulance could not be good. I had to come see for myself and my hearse got a flat as usual so, um, I got in a cab to go to the airport and then I realised that, that by the time I got to the terminal and, and I bought a ticket and then I went through security and then I flew to Norfolk and then I got a cab here it would be better just to stay in the cab that I was in so I did that, it cost a lost of, you know what it doesn't matter what it cost because this is Gibbs we're talking about. I can't believe that he's hurt he is never hurt, not hurt enough to go to a hospital. He has to be dying to even go see a doctor. Oh my God. He isn't dying is he? I dunno what I would do. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts. Ok, I know the rule is that you have to be family to go into Emergency, at least that's what they said when Uncle Charlie got his leg caught in a nurtia trap, but Gibbs and me, we're tighter than blood. I know you need ID, I have ID in here. Um, I work at NCIS, uh, forensics, and, uh, ballistics, chemical analysis and DNA typing. Uh, here, um, that's me, I promise, I just, I had to be in court that day but I swear, that is me.
(in a flashback)
Kelly: I'll miss you Daddy.
Gibbs: We've said it all before.
Shannon: Will I hear it again?
Gibbs: I will take care. I will come back safe.
Shannon: Not those words.
Gibbs: I love you.
[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]
McGee: On it boss!
Tony: I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...Alright, I cut the probie some slack.
Ducky: (to Tony) You sound like Gibbs.
Jenny: I left a dinner at the White House to come here.
Nurse: I'm impressed, really I am.But that still doesn't change the rules.
Jenny: I was hopeing I wouldn't have to resort to this.
Nurse: Shooting your way on?
Jenny: Don't be silly.I don't have my weapon.(pulls out her cellphone)
Nurse: Calling the president?
Jenny: Now that would be overkill........Hello, Connie.
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects".
Ziva: Tony, your dying words will be, "I've seen this film".
Dr.Todd: How well do you know Gibbs?
Jenny: He was my mentor at NCIS; he taught me most of what I know.
Dr.Todd: Yet you're his boss.
Jenny: Jethro's a great field agent. He's a great team leader. And he deals more efficiently with difficult politicians than I do.
Dr.Todd: Then why isn't he the...
Jenny: He shoots them.
Ziva: I'm confused.
McGee: So am I, and I saw the dvd twice.
Tony: Sound of music confuses you, Probie.
Ziva: I love that movie! (opens mouth to sing)
Tony: (puts a hand over her mouth) One note and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to I'ts a small world for twenty-four hours straight! Do we understand each other?!
Ziva: (slightly shocked) Mmm-hmm.
Ducky: I sat on a bomb once.No twice.The first time I was young, the second time I was foolish.
Palmer: Why would you set on a bomb?
Ducky: I just told you, I was young and foolish.Haven't you been listening?
Episode 3.24 "Hiatus Part 2"
Tony: My gut tells me we’re missing something.
Ziva: Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah. Gibbs.
Ziva: You insist this is Pinpin Pula?
Captian: Insist. Yes. I like this word. I insist this is Pinpin.
McGee: That's not loaded is it?
Tony: Would Gibbs allow Ziva to carry a loaded weapon in there?
McGee: No
Tony: And I'm not Gibbs, right?
(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in the hospital room.)
Gibbs: We work together?
Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
Ziva: It's been a year.
Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...
Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!
Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.
Gibbs: (getting frustrated) What can I do?
Ziva: Remember!
Gibbs: I’ve been trying to since I woke up in this room!
Ziva: Well try harder! ... That's a start.
Gibbs: What is?
Ziva: The old Gibbs’ stare. You gave it to all of us; McGee, Tony, me!
Gibbs: What are you talking about?
(Ziva grabs Gibbs' hand, and uses it to slap the back of her head. Gibbs starts to remember)
(Talking to the guy who won't stop the ship to find and stop a bomb)
Gibbs: Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!
Ducky: You can close it.
Jen: What do you know?
Ducky: Jethro would have pursued the killer of his wife and daughter to hell and back… Jethro got his revenge.
Gibbs: I'm not Agent Gibbs! I don't know Agent Gibbs! I don't wanna know Agent Gibbs! I want my family. I want Shannon. I want Kelly. I miss them. I miss them so much. Oh, I miss them.
(As Gibbs looks for his Gun and badge)
Tony: Oh. Uh, I got it Boss, I took it when the Paramedics took you away. (He gives Gibbs his gun and badge)
Gibbs:Appreciate it. (Nods he put the gun and badge in Tony's hand) You'll do. (He puts his hand on Tony's shoulder) It's your team now.
Tony:(Looks at Gibbs a bit shocked)
Gibbs: (Turns to McGee) Your a great Agent Tim...don't let him tell you other wise.
McGee: (Nods) I won't Boss...
Gibbs: (Walks up to Abby)
Abby: (Whimpering, crying almost) Gibbs...
Gibbs: (Puts a single finger on Abby's lips and silently kisses her cheek)
Abby: (About to cry)
Gibbs: (Walks up to Ziva) I owe you Ziva...
Ziva: I'll collect...(Smiles lightly) Jethro...
Gibbs: (Walks up to Ducky) Give me a ride home Duck.
Ducky: Of course...
(As Gibbs is about to leave with Ducky. He stops, and turns around looking at the Team he is leaving behing)
Gibbs: Semper Fi.
Ziva: You know what that means?
Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs?
(Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)
Abby: Can you imagine how scray that would be? To lose the last fifteen years of your life.
McGee: Oh, man!
Abby: What?
McGee: I'd still be in highschool.
Abby: Uh, yuck! Zits, braces. rageing hormones.
McGee: Yeah, used to walk around all day with a notebook in front of my.....
Abby: In front of your what, McGee?
McGee: (pointing to the computer) The laundry room is off.It should actually be 3.962 meters wide, no twenty-six.
Abby: (fixs it) Better?
McGee: Yeah.Gotta be accurate.
Abby: Absolutly.So was it one of these tiny spiral notebooks? Or one of those big three ring binder kinda ones, Timmy?
McGee: And where were you fifteen years ago, Abby?
Abby: So where did you find Gibbs?
McGee: Afraid I'm gonna find out.... (Abby hits him) What was that for?
Abby: Distracting me.
McGee: I was not distracting.....
Abby: (pointing at the computer) Gibbs.
McGee: Between the drier and the bulkhead......Little closer to the bulkhead.Now the autopsty report indicates that Gableeb was sitting on the bomb.
Abby: Which consisted of one hundred-thirteen grands of semtex.
McGee: Wow.You can compute the amount of semtex used?
Abby: I'm a scientist, McGee.I can compute anything acurtly, including the sizr of the notebook required to.....
McGee: Stop.
Gibbs: What can I do?
Ziva: Remember.
Gibbs: I've been trying to since I woke up in this room!
Ziva: Well, try harder! (Gibbs glares at her) Good.That's a start.
Gibbs: What is?
Ziva: The old Gibbs' stare! You gave it to all of us.McGee, Tony, me.
Gibbs: What're you talkin' about?!!
(Ziva takes his hand and headslaps herself.And Gibb remembers headslapping her)
Ziva: Ari killed Kate.
(Gibbs remembers Kate being killed)
Ziva: (crying) And I.....I killed Ari.
(Gibbs remembers her killing Ari)
Gibbs: Your brother?
Ziva: (crying) Yeah.
Gibbs: You killed your brother.....to save me?
(Ziva nods, crying and Gibbs pulls her into a hug)
Jenny: You remembered us making love, didn't you?
Gibbs: (Groans in acknowledgement)
Jenny: Well, it's a start.
Tony: Abby, this is serious.
Ziva: Oh, look at the pot calling the kettle black. I got that right didn't I?
Tony: No.
(McGee gives her her thumbs up)
Ziva: Yes!
Tony: Probie!
Jenny: My name is Jenny Shepard, and I am the Director of NCIS.
Mike: Thank the Lord.
Jenny: That means you approve?
Mike: Means all my thoughts that early retirement was a mistake, just proved themselves wrong.
Season 4
Episode 4.01 "Shalom"
McGee: (to Abby) Abby, you're getting powder all over my keyboard.
Abby: (shoving McGee's hand away) What's you're point?
McGee: My point is, Abby, that you are really, really overdoing the sugar thing again.
Abby: Well, I'm eating for two.
(McGee looks concerned)
Abby: Relax. I was pointing to health food freak over there. Everytime I pass her desk I have this overwhelming urge to shove a cheeseburger in her throat.
McGee: Well, I think she's hot. You know, for a probie.
Michelle: You two do realize I can hear you, right?
Abby: (pauses) We do now, very Special Agent Lee.
(computer beeps)
Abby: His flight landed on time! Where is he?
(elevator dings)
Abby: Yay! You're home! I missed you!!!
DiNozzo: I missed you too, Abby.
Abby: Mmm.
DiNozzo: I-I'm having a trouble breathing Abby.
Abby: Oh, sorry.
Tony- "Palmer, how’s ‘Blacklung’ sound?"
Palmer (taken aback)-"Like a painful, horrible way to die."
Tony- "I mean as your codename."
Palmer (grins)-"Oh, I like it! Yeah... "
Mike: Ahhh! Damn!
Gibbs: Hey! You say something?
Mike: Four months and you still don't understand the meaning of the word 'siesta' Probie?
Gibbs: Roofs not gonna fix itself, Mike.Tropical storm seasons only a few weeks away.
Mike: You ever stop to think that I might like rain?
Gibbs: Yeah just maybe not inside your house.
Mike: Don't you have a boat to build or something?
Gibbs: Well, the problem with that, Mike, is I'm using all my good lumber to fix your dogrot house.
Mike: I got a better idea why don't you use it to build your own somewhere down there. (gestures down the beach)
Gibbs: Hey you just say the word and I'll be gone.
Mike: Don't tempt me, Jethro. I ain't nearly drunk enough.But until then I was thinking your next project would be a nice little hot, say yea big, say right over there.
Gibbs: You want Teque or Red Wood?
Bartender: Hola, gentlemen.
Mike: Gentlemen? She can't be talking to you and me gunny?
Bartender: You,o.Senior Gibbs, si.I hope youre not letting him work you too hard.
Gibbs: Nah.
Mike: He's livng her for free, what does he expect?
Bartender: Perhaps someday he will tell us.
Mike: Hey! How much to I owe ya'?
Bartender: Twenty-five American.And you have a phone call.
Mike: Okay. (goes to take phone)
Bartender: Not you.Leroy Jethro
Gibbs (whilst MB is redialling the caller): Who is it?
MB: A woman. And she sounded pretty upset.
Franks: Its probably that lady director of yours having a nervous breakdown.
(Gibbs takes the phone): Yeah. Gibbs.
Ziva (in Washington): Hola! Er...How's Mexico?
Gibbs: Ziva! How'd you get this number?
Ziva: Abby. And if it helps, I forced it out of her.
Gibbs: No, it doesn't. What's wrong?
Ziva: Why does something always have to be wrong? Can't I just speak with an old friend? Do a little catching up?
Gibbs: Today, Ziva.
Ziva: OK (Sighs) I may be in a little bit of trouble.
Gibbs: Yeah? Define "little."
Ziva: I am currently on the run from the FBI, NCIS, Mossad and my father.
Gibbs: Geez.... What'd you do?
Ziva: I did nothing, Gibbs. I swear...I did nothing.
Gibbs: Where's DiNozzo?
Ziva:... he can't help me.
Gibbs: Well you should talk to Jenny. Jenny can help you.
Ziva: I can't.
Gibbs: Ziva, look, I'm retired! I'm three thousand miles away. What do you think I can do that they can't do?
Ziva: Honestly, I don't know. I was..ah.. hoping... maybe... save me? (rubs finger across her nose, sniffs, tears trickling down face)
Gibbs rubs his hand over his eyes, cuts the call, shaking his head.
Round table, secret meeting in the autopsy room.
Tony: "First off, this is a strictly voluntary thing. Ziva's a fugitive. Anyone caught helping or assisting her in any way will be in serious trouble."
Palmer (raising his hand): "um...By serious, you mean ...you could, like, get fired?"
Ducky: "He means, Mr Palmer, that instead of attending medical school next month, you'll most likely will be in prison."
Palmer: "Oh."
Abby (slamming hand down on table): "I'm in!"
Ducky: "Danger, intrigue, a damsel in distress...I'm actually looking forward to it."
McGee: "Me too."
Palmer: "Um...I'm not exactly the type that would do well in prison, guys."
Tony: "No one's going to think any less of you, if you want out, Palmer."
Palmer: "Really?"
Tony: "Well, no. They probably would. At least I know I would."
Palmer: "OK then. I want a code name: something really cool sounding."
Tony: "Alright. No one can know about this, especially the Director. We all good with that?" (everyone nods)
Tony: "You listen to Yanni. And you have an unauthorized game on your computer."
McGee: "Okay, it's your game Tony."
Tony: "You shouldn't have beaten my high score."
Tony: "That's not my point! Six months ago you were convinced that I killed a woman and chopped off her legs!"
Sacks: "Well, I'm still not convinced that you didn't."
Tony: "Exactly."
Sacks: "So, Ziva David is being framed... by who?"
Tony: "Well, that's what I intend to find out."
Sacks: "Hah! Good luck with that."
Ducky: "Then there's only one thing for you to do."
Tony: "I know. I'll let the Director know that they're probably dead and resign for disobeying a direct order."
Ducky: "You'll do nothing of the sort, Anthony DiNozzo!"
Tony: "Now why is that?"
Ducky: "Because the man that did that is still out there and I'll be damned if we'll let him get away with it."
Tony: "What would Gibbs do? Right? I've got a bulletin for you Ducky. I'm not Gibbs."
Ducky: "No, you're not. Gibbs quit. You're still here."
Tony: "Why wasn't I with Ziva? I turned over my responsibility to him without even thinking about it."
Ducky: "Gibbs is one of the most capable agents..."
Tony: "Was, Ducky! You didn't see him. I mean it didn't even look like Gibbs. I think he went native down there."
Ducky: "Um, Tony..."
Tony: "I mean his hair is all long and crazy looking. And he's got this scraggly looking beard, he looks like a pirate or something! His eyes were all bloodshot, probably from drinking hooch from morning til night with Franks."
Gibbs: "It's called the Red Eye for a reason."
Tony: "Let's roll. Hey, no, this is my team now, Gibbs. My rules. And DiNozzo's Rule #1 is I don't sit on the sidelines when my people are in trouble. You got a problem with that? Just remember whose got a badge and who is a civilian."
Gibbs: "Done?" (He headslaps Tony)
Tony: "Yeah."
Gibbs: "I was going to say get McGee and I'll meet you there."
Tony: "You know I could arrest you for striking a Federal officer."
Gibbs: "I know that."
Tony: "Alright. Just so you know."
Ziva: "I've been with NCIS for a year. I'm not just a killer anymore. I'm an investigator. Now can I go home?"
Tony: McGee, any hits on the bolo?..........You completely forgot about that didn't you?
McGee: This one's on me, boss. (headslaps himself)
McGee: Tony, isn't that the guy who tried to put you away for murder?
Tony: Yes, it is, and thank you for bringing up that painful memory, McGee.
Ziva: Things are bad enough for NCIS as it is, Tony. You can't--
Tony: I don't remember asking your opinion, Officer David.
Ziva: You see? He's been completely insufferable since you left.
Gibbs: That true, Tony?
Tony: When I need to be.
Gibbs: Yeah? Maybe you were the right man for the job.
Tony: I thought you might be needing this. [Gibbs takes Tony's coffee] Uh, I meant the NCIS cellphone...boss.
Gibbs: Do I still look like your boss?
Tony: Well, maybe if you shaved. Haircut wouldn't hurt either. [Gibbs laughs] Yeah, the smile thing's definitely throwing me off too! Gibbs: Nice to see you again, McGee.
Tony: DiNozzo.
Gibbs: What'd I say?
Ziva: You called him McGee.
Gibbs: Mmm. That's probably because if I had left him in charge you (Ziva) you wouldn't be on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list right now.
Tony: But you do remember?
Gibbs: That I left you in charge? Yeah, I remember, what I forgot was your taste in coffee.It stinks.
McGee: Tony, what if we lie?
Tony: Sacks is a self-centered, egotistical, jackhole, but he's not an idiot.He'll know.
McGee: No, I mean lie on the bolo.Instead of looking for a rouge Mossad spy wanted for murder, we put out a bolo for a wife beater.
Tony: It's underhanded and devious.
Abby: And it's completly getting me hot.
Tony: Glad to see I'm finally rubbing off on him.
Tony: Very professional.
Sacks: Your director kicked us both out.
Tony: Only because you couldn't keep your soud cooler shut.
Sacks: Well, your Mossad Liason Officer killed two FBI Agents today.Sorry if that ticks me off!
Tony: Where's your proof?
Sacks: Proof? Car abandoned at the crime scene, Asarian was on their most wanted list, she's disapeared! And oh yeah, her brother was a Hamas terroist.
Tony: Where I come from, that's called circumstansial.
Sacks: Really.Where's that? Narnia? (pause) It's a fantasy movie.The Chronicles of Narnia.
Tony: I know what it is! Okay story, excellent special effects.
Sacks: They were defintly kicking.
Tony: I don't remember asking your opinon, Officer David.
Ziva: You see? He's been completly insuferable since you left.
Gibbs: That true, Tony?
Tony: When I need to be.
Gibbs: Yeah? Hmmm, maybe you were the right man for the job.
Jenny: [to Tony and Sacks] You two up here, now!
Tony: Director, would you please tell agent Slacks...
Sacks: Sacks, it's Sacks!
Tony: Would you please tell agent Slacks that we're gonna be handling this one in house?
Jenny: I just assured your director that the FBI will be getting NCIS's complete cooperation in this matter.
Sacks: Thank you, ma'am.
Jenny: If Ziva attends to contact your or anyone on your team, I want you to notify both myself and agent Sacks, immediately!
Tony: This is a complete...
Jenny: This is an order from your Director, agent DiNozzo... Is that clear enough for you?
Tony: Almost crystal, ma'am.
Tony: What did I tell you about worrying Probie?
Lee: That it's your job.
Tony: See... you're learning.
Tony: (watching the news) Federal authorities! They mean us. Four stinkin' letters - NCIS!
Jenny: It's either that story, Tony, or the FBI charges you with interfering in their investigation.
Tony: I can live with "Federal Authorities."
Sacks: No hard feelings. I get it.
Tony: No I was going to say I still pretty much hate your guts, Sacks!
Sacks: Me too, DiNozzo! Me too.
Ducky: (about Gibbs) Did you manage to get him?
Tony: Got his voicemail... and I don't think he ever learned how to use it!
(Tony is calling Ziva.She answers)
Tony: Ziva.
Ziva: Tell Abby I'm gonna kill her.
Tony: We love you too.
Ziva: I'm hanging up now.
Tony: No, you're not.You're gonna tell me what the hell is going on here.
Ziva: Your phone could be tapped, Tony.
Tony: Well, then I'll come to you.I'm also trying to get a hold of Gibbs, but I'm not having any luck.
Ziva: Gibbs? Why didn't you say so?
(she hands the phone to Gibbs)
Gibbs: DiNozzo. You have ten seconds to tell me why I am not in building a Teque hot tub in Mexico.....Nine......
Episode 4.02 "Escaped"
Gibbs enters Jenny's office, she is staring out at the harbor, with her back to him. He is staring at her.
Gibbs: Boy I missed that view. ( Walks closer to her.) Well the harbor isn't bad either.
Tony: "We were just eavesdropping like little girls. But we do have some ideas."
Gibbs: 'First my wife, now my house?"
Fornell: "No! I've learned my lesson. I'm through with your leftovers."
Fornell: "He came to see me Jethro, when I was with Emily."
Gibbs: "She ok?"
Fornell: "For now. Just wanted to tell me that I got the wrong man and strongly suggested I reopen his case to prove it."
Gibbs: "You don't need me to find him."
Fornell: "Need? A convicted killer was 2 inches from my daughter, handing her crayons. He touched her. We're way beyond need, Jethro."
(They look at each other.)
Fornell (disgusted, resigned): "Nice tan."
Jen: "Just as I was getting used to my door being treated as a door. (I'll call you back Todd)."
Gibbs: "I need temporary reinstatement."
Jen: "I assume you're here because of ex-Petty Officer Derek Paulson. I have read Agent Fornell's report. Why the sudden, if temporary, interest in bank robbers?"
Gibbs: "If you've already read Fornell's report then you already know. We're wasting time."
Jen: "It's not that simple Jethro. You left. I appreciate what you did for Ziva but this is not some type of gym membership that you can turn on and off."
Gibbs: "No I can't, but I'm not Director of NCIS."
Jen: "And the Director of NCIS already filed your retirement package with Navy human resources."
Gibbs: "Well unfile it. "
Jen: "It doesn't work that way Jethro. It would take weeks to reinstate you and thats even if you pass..."
Gibbs: "My psych evaluation? Or are you talking about my firearms proficiency exam?"
Jen: "That one I'm not worried about."
(Gibbs starts to march out.)
Jen: "Wait! Let me at least...validate your parking. (opens drawer) Oh! That's strange! ...(looks at him) Your retirement package! I must have accidentally put in for your unpaid leave time instead ....of which it seems there are six days left before it has to be filed." (smirks)
Ducky: "I was wondering when you were going to come down and see me."
Gibbs: "I have been busy."
Ducky: "Or avoiding me? I wonder why that could be?"
Gibbs: "I'm not staying."
Ducky: "I didn't think you were. I am aware that when Leroy Jethro Gibbs makes up his mind, his mind's made up. So...why are you here?"
Gibbs: "The Paulsen case. how much do you know?"
Ducky: "I took the liberty of examining the ME's report on Paulsen's two murdered accomplices."
Gibbs: "Anything bug you?"
Ducky: "It's about as watertight a case as I've ever seen, pathologically speaking. Why? Do you suspect foul play in the foul play?"
Gibbs: "No."
Ducky: "Yet you're down here asking me whether anything bugs you about the case. Are you getting one of those famous gut instincts again?"
Gibbs: "I've already had that. And it said that Paulsen was guilty."
Ducky: "And when Leroy Jethro Gibbs makes up his mind, his mind's made up. Too bad for Petty Officer Paulsen. Let's hope things work out better for you in Mexico."
(they have a staring match..until Gibbs' phone rings to break the silence and stand-off).
(Scene at Fornell's house: Gibbs' house has termites and is being fumigated. Fornell puts him up. explains that he would give Gibbs the sofa but Emily specifically wanted Gibbs to have her room (she lives with her mother). Fornell mentions that Emily even offered that Gibbs can sleep with her Raspberry Rumtart doll. Gibbs flashes back to memories of his Kelly with her Strawberry Shortcake doll, which she used as a bride doll to marry GI Joe, representing her mum and dad.)
Fornell: "So it was (?), unless there was something else you want to tell me."
Gibbs: "Something you want to tell me, Tobias?"
Fornell: "You had a family, Jethro. I know you like to play it close to the vest but...hell! I was married to your second wife!"
Gibbs: "I tried to warn you."
Fornell: "I know, I know. I didn't listen. If I did, I might still have a house with a guest bedroom for you."
(Fornell offers him a juice box)
Fornell: "I know its not our usual stuff." (They clink tetrapacks.) "So we screwed up."
Gibbs: "Wait till we see what Abby says."
Fornell: "We screwed up. Big time. Sure wasn't the first time and I know its not gonna be the last."
Gibbs: "My last."
Fornell: "At least we can still make it right."
Gibbs: "If Nash did frame Paulsen, he's not gonna come clean when Paulsen...he's gonna kill Paulsen."
Fornell: "I know. I said we screwed up, didn't I? It's funny how things work out. When I was a kid, all I ever thought about was being an FBI agent. Now, not a day goes when I don't think about being a kid. Ah... don't pay much attention. The way I figure it: anyone who doesn't want to quit this job isn't doing it right."
Tony: (to Gibbs) "I still have much to learn, Master."
(Scene at Gibbs house, Gibbs is sitting by the boat when Jenny enters. Gibbs expects her to convince him to come back, but she is worried about him, her last line)
Jenny: "Fact is you're good. The best. When you're as good at something as you are.You don't just quit! (she leaves)
Tony: I say we use him as bait.Give Mickey a pass, put a man on him in case Paulson comes back.
Gibbs: You're the boss.
Abby: We're trying to figure out if the evidence was planted to frame Paulson.
Mickey: Yeah, like the DNA they found.That could have easily come from some......(about Gibbs) Uh, why is he looking at me like that?
Abby: He's kinda of a bottom line guy.
Mickey: [Paulsen has a gun pointed at Mickey] Whoa! Whoa! Ag - Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Don't talk to me. I think he should shoot you.
Fornell: I certainly wouldn't have let him steal my car.
Gibbs: Didn't. It was DiNozzo's car.
Springer: I don't have to answer any more of your questions! No matter what you say!
Gibbs: I got this little girl... who wants to go home to her dad... and that's not going to happen without your help... So.....please.
Tony: (from observation) Did Gibbs just say...?
McGee: (shocked) Mm-hmm.
Springer: What- what did - did you want to know again?
(Tony starts talking about The Fugitive)
Ziva: What happened? We've been avoiding the word fugitive for two days.
McGee: He made the connection himself.
Ziva: You know, you used to be a nice person, McGee. I think sitting at Tonys desk is affecting your personality.
Tony: For the better! McGee picked up a girl all by himself.
Ziva: Yeah, at a funeral!
Tony: You didnt tell me that.
Tony: Okay, Ive got an ideamaybe he lost his memory again and forgot he quit his job.
McGee: Wouldnt he be sitting at his old desk, then?
Ziva: If Gibbs wanted us to know what he was doing he would have told us
Tony: Oh right. Because he would never expect us to figure it out for ourselves!
Episode 4.03 "Singled Out"
Gibbs: (Speaking softly to Abby who is asleep at her computer) Your computer's on fire.
Abby: Ahhh! McGee! My baby's french frying! (madly typing)
McGee: (Who also was asleep, wakes and starts typing) Checking internal fan!
(It dawns on them that everything is fine.)
Abby: That is so not funny, Gibbs!
Ziva- "I look like a dork."
Tony- "Yeah, that's the idea."
Gibbs- "You're a geek, Ziva David. Not mentally deranged."
Ziva: (doing stretches) "We could be missing something." (bends over)
Tony: (checks out Ziva's behind) "Believe me, not from this angle."
Tony: (referring to the computer projected image of what Gibbs’ and Jenny’s daughter would look like) "Even with Gibbs as the father, I’d date her."
Gibbs: "Never more than once, DiNozzo."
Ziva: If you had let me drive we would hvae been here a half an hour ago.
Tony: Yeah, or are bodies could be in a twisted wreck awaiting the jaws of life.
Tony (answering his cellphone): DiNozzo......Stop calling me from dispatch will ya', Muhany? I'm not the team leader anymore.Gibbs is.....Trust me, it makes a difference, now call him and leave me alone.
(He walks into the squadroom)
Ziva: Problems, Tony?
Tony: Wrong number, Ziva.
(Gibbs phone rings and Tony starts getting his things)
McGee: There any reason you're gearing up?
Tony: What's my motto, Probie?
McGee: You'll never date a woman that eats more than you do?
Tony: Well, yeah, that's true.But always be prepared.That signal may fly at any moment.
Gibbs: Grab your gear, we're heading out.
McGee: How'd you know?
Tony: Well, it's a gift, McGee, I choose not to question it.
McGee: Where we goin', boss?
Gibbs: Ask Dinozzo.All I got was a wrong number.
Gibbs: The driver, Mcgee?
McGee: Fredricksburg PD put a bolo out on him last night.
Gibbs/Tony: Any hits?
Tony: Sorry boss......continue.....if you want to of course.
McGee: No hits yet but the local LEO's did match the likeness to a mug shot.Justin Ferris, arreseted for car theft five years ago.Lives with his mother who claims she hasn't seen him since yesterday.
Gibbs: Our victim had around sixteen profiles of people in her apartment without photographs or names.I'm still waiting on the why. Tony: Me too, boss.Just saying Ferris might be one of 'em.Our Rosetta Stone if you will.
Gibbs: Find him.That's a good job, Tim.......Not bad either, Tony.
McGee: Is it me or does he seem a little more.....
Tony: Human?
McGee: Well, I was gonnaa say mellow, but yeah.
Tony: I think it's the mustache lulling us into a false sense of security.
McGee: Each night presents a group of succesful men to a wide variety of women. Each night comes with a promise of romance and the chance to find your soulmate. (Everyone stares at him) Okay, so i thought about going to one, once!
Tony: After this, you and i are gonna have a little talk.
McGee nodds vigorously.
Ziva: Ninety-second dates? I thought you were kidding me, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Youll do fine, Ziva. I had marriages shorter than that.
Ziva: Ha! Im beginning to understand why.
Gibbs: Abby, good job.
Abby: (after Gibbs leaves) Those are two words I will never take for granted again, Bert.
(Tony and Ziva are arguing) Gibbs: How about both of you, shut up!
Episode 4.04 "Faking It"
Tony (looking at McGee asleep on the table)- "Do you have any superglue Abbs?"
(Gibbs enters room and smacks Tony on the head)
Gibbs- "What did I tell you about that DiNozzo?"
Tony- "That, next time, the skin might not grow back?!"
Tony: "Looked down and to the left... sure sign of a liar."
Gibbs: "That’s very good, DiNozzo."
Tony: "Thanks, Boss."
Gibbs: "Did Ziva teach you that?"
Ziva: Men are such bad liars.
McGee: But is a good liar was telling you a lie, you would not know it was a lie.
Ziva: Oh, I would!
McGee: How would you know?
Tony: Know what?
McGee: When an expert liar is telling Ziva a lie.
Tony: And this started how?
McGee: Well, I told Ziva I went to the gym this morning.
Tony: No great skill in guessing you were fibbing there, Probie.You may have lost some weight, and I am personally very proud of you but gym is not you middle name.
McGee: Yeah, well, Ziva thinks all men are liars.
Tony: Really? So if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell.
Ziva: Particullary you.
McGee: Wouldn't go there, Tony.
Tony: Oh, watch and weep.True or false: I had eggs for brekfast thiss morning.
Ziva: True.
Tony: Lucky guess.Last night I had a date with a beautiful woman.
Ziva: False.
Tony: She's good.My first car was a shiney, new, red, corrvette.
Ziva: Fasle.Strike three.I win.
Tony: How did you do that?
Ziva: When you said you had a corvette, you looked down and to the left, a tell-tale sign when peopl lie.
Tony: And the date?
Ziva: Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it alll day,
Tony: I would?
McGee: Oh, yeah.
Tony: Okay, but how could you possibly tell I had eggs for brekfast?
Gibbs: Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy!
Tony: Ready to roll, boss!
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: Yeah, boss?
Gibbs: You got egg on your shirt.
Ziva: Not just on your shirt.
(sees a bag full of coins)
Tony: Jackpot.Got to be fifty or sixty bucks there.
Ducky: Yeah, there's more in his trouser pocket.
Tony: What do you think? Illegal slots?
McGee: Maybe he was on his way to a video arcade?
Ziva: Maybe he was doing laundry?
Tony: That's alot of laundry.
Ziva: Maybe he was a once a month kind of man?
Tony: I do it once a week. ( they look at him) .......Laundry.
Tony: Doesn't lok like a fake id..
Ziva: Fake.
Tony: What are you talking about? You barely got a look at it.
Ziva: I can spot a fake a mile away.
Tony: Huh.I had the best fake id in colledge, never got turned away from a bar.
Ziva: Never?
Tony: Ever......Once.
Ziva: Once?
Tony: Or twice.
Ziva: A month?
Tony: A week.But listen, we went out every night and it was colledge town and they're very tuff there.Eagle-eyed bouncers, really had to act the part too.You know, had to be mature, wordly, kinda grown up.
Ziva: So it wasn't the id really, it was you.
Tony: Are you kidding me? No, no, I was....I was the master of fake.
Franks: Probie!
Gibbs: Yeah!
Franks: (sees Gibbs boat) What's this? Number three?
Gibbs: Four.
Franks: Would've thought you'd been done practicing by now.
Gibbs: Always something new to learn.
Gibbs: You didn't waste any time getting here.
Franks: You were expecting me?
Gibbs: Well, I would've been disapointed if you didn't come.
Franks: Yeah, well, let's just say I don't like lose ends.
Gibbs: Take more than lose ends to get you off that beach in Baham
Franks: These scumbags have been selling weapins to tirads and terrorists ever since they gave us the slip.Guns an bombs, and RPGs' used to kill american soilders and marines in every h*** hole from Mobediso to Bagdad.It's time it ended!
Tony: He puked up the bullet?
Ducky: Yeah, find the puke and you'll find the projectile.
McGee: So you want us to look for a pile of dried up vomit?
Ducky: Yes, and I'll need a general sample so I can postivly match it to what I found in the victum.Oh! And of course, the bullet.
Gibbs: Ziva, McGee, get onto it.
McGee: Well, boss, we have narrowed it down a few city blocks.
Ziva: Vale must still have been on foot when he was shot or he would have gotten sick in the car.
McGee: So maybe a parking garage or a parking lot.That narrows it down.
Gibbs: Yeah, go.Go.Don't come back without the bullet.
Tony: Couldn't have gotten far, boss.
Gibbs: Don't count on it.
Tony: Franks!
(They split up.Gibbs finds him hideing in a corner, smokeing.)
Franks: Couldn't find a broom closet.
Gibbs: How do you know Carter?
Franks: Just another spook from the old days that made my job difficult.
Gibbs: You nevermentioned you made a back up copy of that tape.
Franks: It was a long time ago, Probie.
Gibbs: Is it enough?
Franks: Should do the trick.
Gibbs: What's in it?
Franks: Where did you learn to be such a pain in the butt?
Gibbs: Working with you.There's alot of people who want to see what's in that file, Mike.
Franks: Guess they're gonna be disapointed.There's nothing ot see, but theres plenty to hear.
Gibbs: Vale was wearing a wire?
Franks: I was on the other end listening to every word.Dubbed a copy.I tell what I heard, the audio backs me up, and everybody's happy.Except Nikolai.
Gibbs: Where's the tape?
Franks: Safe.
Gibbs: How safe?
Franks: Safe enough that no one's found it for fifteen years.This director of yours, she's okay I guess, but I get the feelin' you've been working under her a little too long.
Gibbs: The world's changing, Mike/
Franks: The lines are getting blured, Probie.Hard for a man not to step over them.And you can call of this protection detail.I can take careof myself just fine.
Gibbs: You know I can't do that, Mike.All you have to be is a half second slower and you're dead.
Franks: Or the other guy just has to be a half second faster just like it's always been.
(Tony comes around the corner)
Tony: I found him, boss!
Franks: Nice work, DiNozzo.
(Tony sees Gibbs, who smirks at him)
Tony: You're supposed to be inside the house, Mike.
Franks: Nice catch.I must be getting sloppy.
Tony: I could smell the ciggarette smoke.
Franks: I could smoke inside if you want.
Tony: I don't think that's a good idea.
Franks: Nope.
(Tony's phone rings)
Tony: Hello?
Gibbs: DiNozzo, it's Gibbs.
Tony: Oh, hey, boss.We were just talking about you.
Gibbs: Got a security problem, time to go off the script.Where's Franks?
Tony: Well, he's right.....Mike? Mike?
(Tony is hit over the head)
Gibbs: Tony? DiNozzo? Tony?!
Tony: I lose any hair?
Emt: No.
Gibbs: How is he?
Emt: He'll live.
Tony:Well, I've been hit harder, boss.By you.
Gibbs: How many were there?
Tony: I didn't see.Came up really fast from behind.The rest of our guys deployed from the house in less than thirty seconds.But they were already gone.
Gibbs: With Mike?
Tony: There must have been two teams; one to take me down and another to snatch him.Whoever did it, they were good.Sorry, boss.Why did they grab him when all they had to do was kill him?
Gibbs: He was holding evidence.
Tony: Where?
Gibbs: He wouldn't tell me.
Tony: Well, I guess you didn't hold a blow torch to his eyeballs to find out, they will.
(Gibbs phone rings)
Gibbs: Yeah, Gibbs.Tell her I'm on my way.
(Hangs up)
Tony: Jenny?
Gibbs: Jenny.Just how cozy did you two get while I was away?
Tony: Boy, that knock to the head must have been harder than I though because I'm saying crazy things that even I don't understand.(nods to the emt girl) Think she's single?
Gibbs: He's fine.
Tony: Women want men to lie to them.
Ziva: Not true.
Tony: Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you? Actually yes, sweetheart, your butt looks big as Alabama.Didn't want to say anything but you got the bama butt goin' on.See you want us to lie to yoou, so we do.Especially if your butt is big as bama. (Ziva gives him a look) Not that your butt is big, not that I've even looked.
Ziva: Liar.
Tony: Okay, I have looked but you know, I never.....
Ziva: Never what?
Tony: Oh no, I'm not....I'm catching on to you and you're not gonna get me to say something and then do your little Mossad true or false trick.I'm too smart for that.
Ziva (sarcastically): Of course you are.
Abby: So I have a pirstine bullet sample fired from our suspect's Thirty-eight.All I need is the bullet you pulled from him, I'll make a match and we'll send the bad guys wherever the bad guys go when we catch 'em! Where do the bad guys go when we catch 'em?
Episode 4.05 "Dead and Unburied"
Ziva: "Tony just put his hand in another mans pocket, and it made him very happy."
Abby: "You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet right."
Ducky: "What?"
Abby: "They're clowns."
Tony:"McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain."
McGee: He had me at howdy."
Ziva: "McGee. Give me your flashlight."
McGee: "Why? You didn't bring your own?"
Ziva: "It's too heavy. It pulls my pants down."
Tony: "I was lucky to get out of Rebecca's apartment alive. She threw this at my head."
Ziva: "Something wrong with reading Moby Dick?"
Tony: "No. She was throwing it. I took it so she couldn't rearm."
Ducky: "My first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon."
Tony: "That masters in psych is starting to pay off Ducky."
Ziva: "Shooting someone in broad daylight is just dumb."
Gibbs: "Ahh... you're not thinking like a jealous woman Ziva."
Abby: "I'm sure you find other things beautiful."
McGee: "Like Gibbs breaking up a chick fight?"
Abby: "I can't believe I missed that!"
McGee: "Well, I've got good news. Guess what's now playing on McGee TV!"
Abby: "I hug and kiss technology!"
Abby: "Aww, you shaved your moustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face."
Gibbs: "I still have my eyebrows."
Abby: "Good point."
Gibbs: McGee, over here.Hands and knees; on the floor.
McGee: Okay.Wait, you're not gonna step on me are you? (Gibbs gives him a look) Footprints! Footprints, looking for footprints.(about the carpet) Looks pretty tight weave.
Ducky: Yeah, looks lik cisel.It's a naturaly stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant.It doesn't matt, track dust, build static.Makes it ideal for carpeting, personally I prefer a good shag. (everyone looks at him)........From a criminal investigative stand point.
Tony: An odd decorating choice.Although the corpse does give the place a certain lived in look.
Ziva: Contractors off the hook, he's been out of town for a week.Going to check on the real estate agents this morning.
Tony: That's all you did?
Ziva: No, while you and McGee were watching the sunrise I was pulling Lance Corpral Finn's SRB and I have to say it was spotty.He unc on the range and failed swim call.
Gibbs: So they made him supply clerk.
Ziva: Right.Six months ago he signed out on a three day pass before deploying to Irag and never returned home. Gibbs: Get me his CO. Tony: He's in Irag. (Gibbs stares at him)......I'll contact MTAC.
McGee: I put in a request for Finn's bank records, earning statements, and medical records.
Tony: Night wasn't a total loss, ground radar picked up a shovel about ten feet from the grave sight. (Gibbs starts to leave, points to Tony and starts to say something) Already sent it to Abby.
McGee: Yup, the old Gibbs is back.
Abby: And his underwear are boxer breifs like you wear Gibbs.
Gibbs: Youre fishing, Abbs.
Abby: So are they regular boxers? Trunks? Nothing?
Ducky: Agent Gibbs will be here soon and he will ask---
Gibbs: How's the Lance Corpral die, doctor?
Ducky: How he died....may take me awhile, try when did he die.
Gibbs: That's my next question.
Tony: How'd you meet?
Rebecca: At a bar.Two years ago.I was there with some girlfriends and when I got up to go to the ladies room and he blocked my path.Said he couldn't keep his eyes off me. McGee: And that worked?
Rebecca: What worked was when we talked he had something to say.Most guys won't shut up about their online war games.
(Tony smirks at McGee)
Tony: Chickfight!
Ziva: Okay, let's see what he had at Siri's place......Razor and a tooth brush.
Tony: Razor and a tooth brush.
Ziva: Three pairs of white underwear.
Tony: Three pairs of.......pinkish underwear.
Ziva: One black sock with a gold toe.
Tony: Don't you hate it when you leave one black sock at one fiance's house and the other one at the other's house?
Ziva: One pair of blue jeans.
Tony: One black mesh t-shirt.Do woman really like these?
Ziva: Depends on who's wearing it.
Tony: So if I were too-----
Ziva: (quickly) No.
Ziva: How could they be so clueless?
Gibbs: Well, he's dead so maybe they weren't.
Tony: Why would someone unbury a body? I can answer that.To send a message.Like "Hi, I'm dead!"
Ziva: Where's the money?
Tony: .Ah, maybe it's in Siri's engagment ring. (pulls it out) I gotta bring this down to Abby. (holds it out for Ziva to see)
Ziva: I can save you an elevator trip. (blows on the ring)
Tony: Oh, that's nice.
Ziva: It's creating condensation.On real diamonds it evaporates immediatly.
Tony: It's, ah, staying.
Ziva: Becuase it's a fake.
Tony: Gibe it one more try just to make sure.
Ziva: I'm not blowing on you again!
Ducky: He's speaking softly but Lance Corpral Finn has more to say.
Gibbs: McGee, how long does it take to put on a clean shirt?
McGee: Ten seconds.With buttons a little longer. (Gibbs rolls his eyes) Retorical question.
Tony: What's your gut tell you, boss?
Gibbs: (to McGee) Take off your shirt.
Tony: Here we go.
McGee: Well, I know it's kinda messy.
Gibbs: You shirt, McGee, take it off now.
(McGee takes it off and puts it in the evidence bag Gibbs is holding out.)
Gibbs: Take it down to Abby. (McGee just looks at him) Unless you'd rather wait for a search warent.
McGee: (as Gibbs is walking away) Rebecca's dna! (to Tony) Let me borrow one of your shirts.
Tony: You afriad all that white might burn out Abby's cornea?
McGee: Do not make me walk around like this all day.Come on, help me out.
Tony: Alright, I can't resist a damsal in distress.Here take this, I'll get a fresh one. (takes off his shirt)
Ziva: Wow, it's just like Chip&Dale's.....Without the bow ties and muscles.
Tony: Kind of reminds me of Paciffic Heights.
Gibbs: Don't tell me, a movie?
Tony: Yeah, Interesting plot.Young couple buys their dream house and the tennet from hell trys to destroy it.Micheal Keaton's best work.
Tony: Hey, I got another dna sample to test.It's a rush job.
Abby: So I should put in front of my other rush jobs?
Tony: Yes.
Abby: Okay, I'll make it a rush rush job and get right on it unless I get a rush rush rush job.
Tony: Thanks, Abbs.
Tony: You interogated her and didn't think up that she had sex with Finn?
Ziva: It was an interveiw, not an interogatin, and excuse me if my brain didn't go to teh sex place.
Tony: Mine would.
Ziva: I'm sure that's why you have a leg up on other investigators.
Tony: See, you say leg up, I instantly went to the sex place.
McGee: Boss, Abby ran the prepaid car we found in Finn's pocket and i had only one call on it to a sefl storage company in Dale City, Virgina.
Gibbs: Good, call the storage facility.
McGee: I did, I was just takeing a breath. Uh, I called the self storage place, Finn's payed for the unit in cash only, signed in once.So I figured Ziva and I should proabably go down there and check it out. Sorry about the breath.
(Leaves and Gibbs smirks)
Episode 4.06 "Witch Hunt"
Tony: (To McGee) "You got a time of death on the great pumpkin here, Charlie Brown?"
McGee: (after everyone saw the Roomba and Gibbs destroyed it) Told ya I wasn't crazy.
Ducky: The question we should be asking ourselves is "Why?", Ziva. Two-thirds of all child abductions are by a biological relative.
Ziva: She kidnapped her own child.
Ducky: You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.
Ziva: They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in a documentary about them...Tony forced me to watch...Grizzly Man?
Ducky: I was referring to a mother bears protective nature when her cubs are threatened: there is no deadlier creature on the planet.
Ziva: (earnestly but totally misunderstanding) I agree! They also ATE the man who shot the footage AND his girlfriend.
Ducky: (distracted) Yeah well that is perfectly dreadful...
Ziva: That is what I told Tony!
Ducky: (getting exasperated) My point is, the mother may have been trying to protect her daughter...
Ziva- I admit, I screwed that one up! But why did she run?
Gibbs- She was hiding something.
Ziva- So you do agree with me?
Gibbs (angry)- Oh yeah! You definitely screwed that one up! (he stalks out)
Abby- Is there something I should know?
Ziva- He definitely wants to devour me. (exits)
Abby- And they say blondes have all the fun...
Gibbs- "Don't apologize. It's a sign of weakness."
Ducky: "Mr. Palmer took them [the fingerprints] up to Abby's lab, but she's not there and she's not answering her calls."
McGee:" Well, Halloween is a big night for Abby."
Tony: "Every night is Halloween to Abby."
Ducky: (to Jimmy) "Ah, there you are! Is she here yet?
Jimmy: "Oh she's here and she's in costume.
Tony: "Oh yeah? What's it like?
Jimmy: "Trust me, you wouldn't want me to ruin the surprise."
(Both Tony and McGee stare at Abby in her Marilyn Monroe costume.)
Abby: "Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have food in my teeth or something?"
Tony: "I'll just stick with or something. We need to run our dead guy's photo against mug shots."
Abby: "Give me!"
Tony: "The camera McGee!"
McGee: "The camera. Sorry."
Abby: "McGee, what is wrong with you? You look three cans short of a six pack."
McGee: "Nothing. It's just you, you look different."
Tony: "He means the costume, Marilyn."
Abby: "Oh right! Sweet, huh?"
Abby: "McGee, can you invert the image? As soon as you're done undressing me with your eyes. And bring up the gamma and increase the contrast. And flop it. Smashing pumpkins, it's the left hand side of a Virginia license plate!"
Tony: "Nice work Abbs. Run it McGee! DiNozzo does it again!"
McGee: "You mean Abby and I did it again."
(Abby punches him in the arm.)
McGee: "Ouch, what was that for?"
Abby: "Those days ended the moment you started sexing up the cheerleader."
McGee: "Abby's right, I am three beers short of a six pack."
Tony: "She was talkin' about your abs, McFlabby!"
Ziva: "I screwed up Ducky! I knew the Staff Sergeant's wife was hiding something. That she wasn't telling the whole truth. You know what I did? I allowed myself to feel sorry for her! Agh! Do you know what the makes me?"
Ducky: "Human."
Ziva: "A chimp!"
Jimmy: "I think she means "chump," Doctor. You see, a chimp is an animal, Ziva, whereas a chump is someone who is easily taken advantage of or fooled."
Ducky: "Um, Mr. Palmer, would you mind giving us a moment alone? (Jimmy leaves.) He means well."
Ziva: "He's right."
Ducky: "What does Gibbs think?"
Ziva: "Hard to tell. He's currently not talking to me."
Ducky: "Well, chin up dear. It could be worse."
Ziva: "How?"
Ducky: "He could be a bear!"
McGee: Checked Miller's house.
Gibbs: He didn't do it. I know.
McGee: Mind telling us how?
Gibbs: Spent forty minutes with him.
Mcgee: Well, all you really did was stare at him.
Gibbs: You ever try reading a Klingon's face, McGee? It ain't easy.
(Abby is dressed as Marylin Monre)
Gibbs: Not bad for a blonde.
Abby: You know there's no statistical evidence that say blonde's have lower IQ's than any other hair color.
Gibbs: I'll take your word for it, Abs.
Abby: There's more if your interested......Mr.President.
Tony: Not planning on leaving early are you?
Ziva: And if I am?
Tony: I wouldn't advise it.Don't you know what today is?
Ziva: Tuseday.
Tony: It's Halloween, Ziva.It's an American holiday......
Ziva: I know.The wearing of silly outfits and begging for treats. I would imagine it would be a DiNozzo national holiday.
Tony: Well, you imagined wrong. I don't do Halloween.
Ziva: I see.Your father again, yes?
Tony: I don't do Halloween because every year since I became a cop weird thins always happen on October thrity-first.
Ziva: Define weird.
Tony: Grave roberies, beheadings, cattle mutilations.....(McGee comes in, buttoning his shirt up over a furry, blue costume)....And McGee turning fuzzy and blue.
McGee: What?
Ziva: What's under you shirt?
McGee: My t-shirt.
Ziva: Okay, he's lying.
Tony: Oh yeah. (catch sight of part of the costume in a bag) Oh yeah! ( pulls out the cotume, tossing the hat to Ziva who puts it on) I knew you played a fairy on that online game but dressing up as one?
McGee: It's a snow elf and I'm going to a costume party, okay?
Tony: This is far from okay, Probie.In fact I'd say this is takeing geek one step beyond.
Ziva: Oh, sadly I have to agree.I instantly felt all the respect leave my body as soon as I put this on.
McGee: Well, normally you'd be right, but you haven't yet seen my ice queen.
Tony: You gotta be kidding.
(McGee shows them pictures of a beautiful woman)
McGee: Did I also mention she's Redskins cheerleader?
Ziva: Hmmm, very impressive.
Tony: That's a very hot woman.How...how'd you find her?
McGee: Met at the Armani store, found out we played on the same gameing server together. Tony: Since when can you afford Armani?
Gibbs (walking in): Gear up.
(Stops and looks at Ziva who's still wearing the hat.)
Ziva ( after realsing what Gibbs is looking she jerks it off): Oh, no! They're McGee's.
McGee: Well, I'm going to a costume party later, boss.
Gibbs: Not anymore, Elflord. General Custer has been shot and he's got a dead skelton in his living room.
Tony: What's I tell ya'? Halloween.
McGee: Boss, he just said your mother has a smooth forehead. It's a Klingon insult.
Tony: You speak Klingon?
McGee: Not fluently, but yes.
Tony: General Kang crying or is that just sweat?
McGee: Half an hour alone in a room with angry Gibbs, even Klingons have their limits.
Tony: What's he been doing to him?
McGee: Mostly staring.
Tony: Maybe that's a new interrogation technique.
McGee: Well it seems to be working... It's definitely creeping me out.
Tony: Last time I did Halloween I was an astronaut. The neighborhood I grew up in, well it wasn't really a neighborhood; there were these estates with mansions smack dab in the middle of them. And really long driveways. Made Halloween very tricky. It's a lot of walking. My feet were tired that night. Dogs were barking.
McGee: Yeah, I gotta imagine it really sucks growing up rich like that.
Tony: My costume was fantastic though. Wicked awesome. I was a spaceman. No ventilation though. I was sweating like Roger Federer after a five-set tie breaker. And stinky. Stinky like cheese. But man what a haul. I made off with more candy than I could carry.
McGee: I hope this story's coming to an end soon.
Tony: But when I got home, old man made me throw it all away. Even the apples.
McGee: He was concerned about your teeth.
Tony: Oh... no. I made my astronaut suit out of one of this $3000 designer ski suits.
McGee: Ouch.
Tony: I don't think I sat down again 'til Christmas.
Abby: Tony, there is nothing scary about a zombie dragging its butt around!
Tony: Well, a zombie isn't a zombie unless it's dragging its butt around.
McGee: You liked 28 Days Later. Those zombies were really quick.
Tony: Alright, enough with the zombies already!
Episode 4.07 "Sandblast"
Colonel Mann- "Anything you'd like to share?"
Gibbs- "I got some sardines upstairs."
Colonel Mann- "I meant about the case."
McGee- "That's pretty clever, Boss. How did you figure that out?"
Gibbs- "Too much time around you."
Lt. Col. Mann-If this is gonna be a pissing match you'd better bring an umbrella.
Tony-(Running towards Gibbs) Got something boss. (To Ziva) What'd I miss?
Ziva-Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.
Tony: "Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?"
Ziva: "I can disarm it."
Tony: "OK... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this."
Ziva: "If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence."
Tony: "Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! ZIVA! This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!"
Ziva: "Then why are you following me Tony?"
Tony: "I don't know!"
Ziva: "Here, hold this."
Tony: "Any idea what's going to happen if this cellphone rings?"
(Ziva works at disarming the bomb.)
Tony: "I can see down your shirt right now."
Ziva: "I don't think your new girlfriend would like that."
Tony: "What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about."
Ziva: "I'm talking about you and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by."
Tony: "Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now."
Ziva: "See anything good?"
Tony: "Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying..."
(Ziva clips the wire.)
Tony: "... over."
Ziva: "Not worth dying over. (She zips up her jacket.) "I'll remember that."
Tony: "What if I said it was?"
Ziva: "Now you'll never know."
Tony: "Bomb was set to go off when the cell was called."
Ziva: "It's prepaid and disposable. Never been used."
Gibbs: "So there's no call log."
Tony: "Thanks to our bomb disposal expert, we still have plenty to work with."
Ziva: "Looks like two or three people were staying there."
Tony: "Abby's processing it."
Gibbs: "Nice job Ziva. If you do anything like that ever again, I'll kick your ass back to Israel."
Gibbs: "Ziva!
Ziva: "Do you want me to defuse it? Because before you said you'd kick my ass back to..."
Gibbs: "Do it!"
Col. Mann: "Do all your people talk to themselves?"
Gibbs: "Don't yours?"
Col. Mann: "Smart and devious. That's a dangerous combination."
Gibbs: "You forgot charming."
Col. Mann: "No, I didn't."
Gibbs: My son, Tony, plays that same game.
Abraham-whats your name?
McGee-Tim.
Tony-It means he who is about to wet his pants.
(Ziva disarms bomb)
Abraham- Why is he about to wet his pants?
Tony (pouring sugar in his coffee): One and a half teaspoons is not sweet, Mcgee.I've seen my people pour three ounces of sugar into a one ounce expresso.
McGee: Your people being Long Islanders?
Tony: Romans.The inventors of the grain harvester, the arch, modern plumbing.
McGee: Plumbing,Everytime I flush I will think of you, Tony.You and your people.
(Ziva walks in)
Ziva: I'd ask you to explain that but I really don't want to know. (to Tony) And I defintly don't want to know what you're doing.
McGee: It's Poison Ivy and it's spreading, okay?
Tony: This is your second tango with the vicious weed, McGee.Maybe you should learn what that stuff looks like.
Ziva: And avoid it.
McGee: Yeah, I thought I did.Oh, this is killing me! When Gibbs told me to check out the forest I shoulda just told him---
Gibbs (walking in): Told me what, McGee?
McGee (nervously): No. Gibbs: Well, that probably woulda been a good idea.Baking soda and vinigar.Make a paste, slap it on.
McGee: Okay, thanks, thank you, boss. (Stands up)
Gibbs: Not now, McGee. After we catch the terroist.
Tony: Looks like you've made up your mind.
Josh: Special Agent slash mind-reader.
Tony: Well when you're good, you're good.
Mann: (as Gibbs approaches Abrham) What the h*** is he doing?
Tony: What he always does.
Mann: Four marriages. Negotiating's probably not his thing.
Tony: You'd be surprised.
Mann: I have been so far.
Josh: I should have said something.
Tony: There was nothing you could've done.
Josh: That's another one of those stupid things people say.
Tony: Well, I've got a million of 'em. You should ask my co-workers. They'll tell ya'.
Josh: Okay, what else you got?
Tony: Everything happens for a reason.
Josh: Yeah, that woulda really ticked me off. But you can do better.
Tony: When your time is up, is your time is up.
Josh: Hope you got more skills than that.
Tony: In the imortal words of Elvis Costello: 'Oh, accidents will happen'.
Josh: Yeah, I probably woulda stuck my fist through your skull if you had said that.
Jeanne: How's a ah... How's a kinda... cute.. definitely charming guy like you.. who does some pretty bad impersonations...
Tony: I don't know... what that means......but I thank you.
Jeanne: Manage to stay.. single for so long?
Tony: Oh.. you're gonna ask a real question.. that's a real question.
Jeanne: Well, yeah.
Tony: Um, what are commitment issues?
Jeanne: Uh-uh. Not buying it.
Tony: Really? Why is that?
Jeanne: In the last hour....
Tony: Yeah?
Jeanne: At least a dozen hot co-eds have walked by, your eyes haven't wandered once.
Tony: Really? Well, obviously yours have.
Jeanne: Don't get your hopes up. I'm a very, um....traditional girl.
Tony: So was Ann Heche.
Jeanne: You still haven't answered my question, Tony.
Tony: Okay......Okay. Well, I suppose I am paitently waiting to find the right girl.
Jeanne: You think you'll ever find her?
Tony: I am getting more and more confident by the day.
Episode 4.08 "Once A Hero"
Gibbs- "Hey DiNozzo, Stop eating the evidence!"
Marty: Do you bowl?
Abby: Are you kidding me? I am the Queen of the Alley.
Gibbs: There's more than one reason to kiss a girl.
Tony: There is?
Jeanne: Has anyone ever told you, you're an idiot.
Tony: Yeah, my boss, all the time.
Jenny: The SecDef's staff are worried that it was an attempt on the life of their boss.
Gibbs: Are we worried?
Jenny: If it was an assassination attempt, he's a lousy assassin. He used his body as a weapon and missed by seventy-five feet.
Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now do you?
Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby.
Ducky: I can't tell you how he died.. but I can tell you how he lived.... The man was a hero.
McGee: How does a homeless guy hiding in a hotel order room service?
Tony: This wouldn't be a trick question, would it, McGee?
McGee: No.
Tony: He calls room service.
McGee: (picks up the stapler and pretends) Room service. Hi. This is the homeless guy that's staying illegally in room 607...yes, the room checked out for maintenance...I would like to order some breakfast.
Tony: It was a trick question.
McGee: Then give me a tricky answer.
McGee: Every woman has a bag.
Ziva: Do I have a bag McGee?
McGee: No... but you're not a... (Ziva looks at him) ...well I mean.. you're a woman.. just you're not normal... (Ziva raises her eyebrow) .. you're right.. every woman does not have a bag.
Gibbs: What am I looking at?
Abby: Nothing!
Gibbs: Nothing. Nothing's good, right?
McGee: Oh yeah, nothing is very good.
Abby: Can you help me?
Marty: If you want to leave it with me-
Abby: No no! I can't. Chain of evidence. I have to... do it with you... I mean.. not with you but ah.. along side you.. but just be with you.. I have to be with you while you do it.. While you.. test it!
Ziva: Two cell phones, huh?
Tony: Uh, one for each ear. No, it's a spare. This one is sort of been on the fritz. It's another word you probably don't know the meaning of.
Ziva: Acts up?
Tony: I'm impressed. (starts to leaves) Uh, alright. I'm heading out. Gotta see the doctor about being run "over" ... down.
Ziva: (nodding towards the phone) Don't forget Fritz.
Ziva: You okay?
Tony: Never better.
Ziva: You look run over.
Tony: The term is "run down". ... I do?
Ziva: Maybe you need servicing?
Tony: Clearly we are still having some problems with the idiosyncrasies of the English language.
Ziva: The 'finely tuned engine' I think you called it.
Episode 4.09 "Twisted Sister"
Gibbs: Been looking all over the building for you.
Jenny: Ahh, since we were low on agents I thought I would give Abby a hand.
Gibbs: The only reason we are low on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
Jenny: Well, there's no sense in getting us all sick.
Abby (imitating Gibbs): Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director.
Abby (imitating Jenny): Oh I didn't know I needed your permission to manage my own personnel Agent Gibbs.
Abby (imitating Gibbs): Your personnel?
Abby (imitating Jenny): Last time I checked it said Director on my door not yours!
Abby: The kids don't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight!
Tony (after arresting a cheerleader) "You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to do splits. You have the right to wear a short skirt."
Tony: "Cheerleader was worried Popeye was getting his spinach somewhere else."
Tony: "Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime."
Gibbs: "Dinozzo..."
Tony: "That's seven letters."
Gibbs: "Still works for me
Gibbs: "We gonna jump through any legal hoops?"
Abby: "Oh, that's kind of a gray area."
Gibbs: "How gray?"
Abby: "Charcoal."
Abby- "But Gibbs! I solved the case of the smoking goldfish."
(Abby looking at the phone that was found on the dead body of a Marine, then it rings.)
Abby: Should I answer it?
Gibbs: Yeah
Abby: Hello?
McGee: Finally! Where the hell are you?
Gibbs: McGee?
McGee: Boss? Uhh.......why do you have my sister's phone?
Gibbs: Why did we find your sister's phone on the dead body of a Marine?
Tony: That was quick.
Gibbs: You solved this case already DiNozzo?
Tony: No, it's my hundredth body. Hey, listen... you wouldn't mind taking a ... Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.
Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.
Gibbs: Sometimes a little lie is good for the soul.
Gibbs: Do you know what a "clog" is?
Ziva: I thought it was called a "blog" but maybe my English is not as good as I thought.
Tony: (McGee is waiting for Gibbs in the elevator) And here I thought being sent to the Principal's office was bad.
McGee: Sarah, I'm a federal agent.I have a responsibility.
Sarah: Tim, I didn't come to a federal agent.I came to my big brother.
Jenny: Sarah threatened to kill Seaman Petty by email, a taxi picker her up near the crime scene at the time of the murder, the blood on her clothes matchs the vitums, and her fingerprints are on the murder weapon.Other than being your sister is there any evidenciary reason she shouldn't be charged.
McGee: But she is my sister, Director.Sarah may have a temper, but she lashes out with her mouth or a pen, not a knife.
Jenny: And I hope you have more to offer then brotherly love, Agent McGee.
McGee: She was drugged.She showed up at my door, she was groggy, barely able to walk, she couldn't remember anything excpet leaving the food court.
Jenny: On the lab reports drugs and alchoal were negative.
McGee: By the time those tests were taken whatever was in her system had matabolized.
Jenny: And if that's true, whose fault is that?
McGee: Mine.I should have taken Sarah---.
Jenny: But you didn't bring her in! Agent DiNozzo and Officer David did! So your actions, or should I say inactions, did nothing to help your sister, but it did impune the integrity of this agecny.
McGee: Forgive me, Director, for not putting the integrity of NCIS before my sister! It won't happen again. (puts his badge and gun on table and leaves)
Gibbs: Come're.Sit down.
McGee: Boss, you don't think that---.
Gibbs: You sit down here until I get back.
McGee: Boss, you don't think Sarah did it do you?
Gibbs: I don't know, McGee, I'll know after I interogate her.
McGee: Can I watch?
Gibbs: No.
McGee: Please.From observation----.
Gibbs: No!
McGee: Boss, I can't just sit here!
Gibbs: Here.Read a book. (drops copy of Deep Six in front of him)
McGee: Okay, now you left the bar at nine thirty PM.
Sarah: I got to the campus food court around ten.
McGee: You showed up here at my door at two thirty am.That leaves four hours unaccounted for.
Sarah: I'm actually impressed.Is this what you do at work?
(McGee nods)
Sarah: You know like, state the obvious and make pretty pie charts.
McGee: I'd apologize but I know how you feel about that.
Gibbs: Got your voice back.
McGee: I never lost it.
Gibbs: No kidding!
McGee: I know witholding evidence is a violation of NCIS policy.
Gibbs: And a crime.One that I don't really care about.Why didn't you come to me?
McGee: I was going to.When I saw the body I knew I had to bring Sarah in.
Gibbs: No! Before that.
McGee: I couldn't take that chance.I don't know what my sister did or didn't do, but I know what it looked like.And we say better ten guilty men go free than one inocent man get punished but I know from exprience that it doesn't always work out like that.I couldn't take that chance with Sarah.Not with the police, not with NCIS, not even with you.She's my sister. Gibbs: (pause) Apology accepted.
Gibbs: McGee, go home.Can't have you workin' this case.
McGee: If I go home how do you know I won't keep working on it?
Gibbs: (pause) Come'on! I'll keep an eye on ya'!
Sarah: You know, Tony is much cuter than Tommy.
McGee: Tommy?
Tony: (holding up copy of Deep Six) Hmmmm, you know, if you rearange these letters you get.....
Ziva: Timothy McGee.
Sarah: You should have told me this was a secret.
Tony: Can't wait to read about your swashbuckling, socially repugnant Special Agent Tommy.
Ziva: And Lisa, the sultary and emtionally distant Mossad Officer.
Tony: Or their boss, L.J. Tibbs who drinks to elviate the burden of his Messianic Complex.Where is L.J., Dead Agent Walking?
McGee: Evidence garage.
(Tony shows McGee he's taking the book with him.)
McGee: Tony.......Tony. (grabs Sarah's arm as he follows Tony) I'm gonna kill you.
Tony: (reading Deep Six) Lisa's eyes reminded him of emeralds.
Ziva: (happily) Oh.
Tony: Flawed only by the icicles in her heart.
Ziva: (snatching the book) He's dead. (reading) In the field Agent Tommy is a dogged pursuer of dirtbags.
Tony: Yeah.
Ziva: And any skirt over the age of eighteen.
Tony: (to Sarah) Your brother's dead.
Episode 4.10 "Smoked"
Fornell: "Where's Gibbs?"
Tony: "Well, he must have known you were coming because he's not here."
Ziva: We're all adults here.
Fornell: That's a subject I'd be willing to debate, Officer David.
Tony: Some days this job really sucks.
Gibbs: Yeah? Well, it's about to get worse.
Fornell: The FBI's invested 12 years in this investigation.
Jenny: And my people made more progress in just 3 days. Now I could see how that would be embarrassing.
Fornell: I'll get over it.
Gibbs: I can do you one better than that.
Fornell: Nah, you can’t top that Jethro.
Gibbs: What was the toe doing in her husband’s stomach?.
Ziva: What would you do.. if one day you woke up and realised you were married to a monster?
Tony: Happened to my father all the time... we usually just moved.
Ziva: Hah! That explains it!
Jenny: (to Fornell about the Justice papers) Who'd you have to sleep with to get these?!
Ziva: You got to cut the man some slacks.
Tony: I agree. Except the term is slack.
Tony: Apparently, McGee thinks Ziva is in love with... me!
Gibbs: There's a reason they call it fiction DiNozzo!
McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Ziva: Fiction based on us?!
Tony: You're behind me again, aren't you.
Ziva: Lucky guess. You know, I think McGee's right...
Tony: He was, was he?
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just...give in, yes?
Tony: And by give in you mean...
Ziva: Letting loose. Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Hmm hmm. Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Hmm. Really?
Ziva: But my father wouldn't approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish.
Ziva: Because he gets very angry when I kill a co-worker!
Tony: Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't. (slaps Tony)
Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it.
Gibbs: I'm ending it. (grabs Tony's copy of Deep Six) Next person who mentions this book will be deep-sixed by me!
Gibbs: McGee, less talk more of the computer chip doo-da.
McGee: Making with the doo-da, boss.
Fornell: Doo-da?
Gibbs: Yeah, it's a technical term, Tobias, you wouldn't understand.
(Tony is whistling happily)
Ziva: Are you on medication?
Lee: Warrent just came in, via the FBI. I made sure NCIS was a co-server.
Tony: Warrent for what Lee?
Lee: The serial killer's home. It covers the grounds and residence.
Tony: Serial killer? I only missed like two hours.
Gibbs: (walking in) Snooze you lose, DiNozzo. (headslaps him)
Fornell: You're enjoying this.
Gibbs: Oh, only slightly more than a lot.
Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologizes.
Ducky: It's a sign of weakness.
Gibbs: Not among friends. I'm sorry, Ducky. I should've told you about Shannon and Kelly.
Ducky: I should have told you something months ago. Welcome home, Jethro.
Tony: [enters and notices Sacks sitting at his desk using his phone] What's wrong with this picture?
Ziva: Besides being late over two hours?
Tony: Why is the spawn of the FBI sitting at MY desk?
Ducky: He was stabbed repeatedly and fatally.
Fornell: With WHAT? A safety pin?
Ducky: As I explained, the shrinkage of the flesh is deceptive. Most likely it was an icepick or philips head screwdriver.
Gibbs: Somebody killed your serial killer Fornell.
Jenny: On a Marine base.Which means it is still OUR jurisdiction. (tears up the order to transfer the case to the FBI)
Ducky: And the moral of course is...
Gibbs: It's never a good idea to get married.
Ducky: No, it's best not to judge someone until all the facts are in.
Gibbs: I like mine better.
McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Ziva: Fiction based on us, yes?
McGee: No! Look if you don't believe me read the disclaimer on the front of the book!
Tony: [to Ziva] You buying that, Lisa?
[Ziva laughs]
Tony: Didn't think so.
[Tony adjust his seatbelt]
Tony: Nice knowing you Probie.
McGee: Ziva...
[Ziva accelerates quickly. McGee falls back]
McGee: It's just a book!
Fornell: [referring to the case] No hard feelings Jethro?
Gibbs: Nope, just need you to look at something before you leave.
Fornell: You've got that mustache in a box, don't you?
Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the time I shoved a French Policemen off a cliff?
Tony: There was a lake below.
Ducky: Yes. The man was all right but they still issued a warrant for my arrest. Gibbs and I managed to keep two steps ahead of them. Eventually we escaped across the English Channel in a sailboat.
Palmer: You and Agent Gibbs were fugitives?
Ducky: Yes, for a short while. Until a young, upcoming NCIS Agent had the charges dropped.
Tony: Jenny. (everyone looks at him) I mean, Director Shepard.
Ducky: Yes, she was the one who commandeered the boat.
McGee: Director Shepard stole a boat?
Ducky: She wasn't the Director of NCIS at the time, McGee.
Episode 4.11 "Driven"
Jenny "We have let a robot killer humvee loose on the streets of Washington!"
Abby: Permission to hug?
Tony: Stool sample. Would you like to see it?
Ziva: You want me to stab you in the eye with my knife?
Ziva: Jamie Jones was arrested for assault and battery on his girlfriend and she dropped the charges and married him six months later .
Tony: Well, it doesn't account for taste... just look at Britney and K-Fed!
Ziva: (to McGee after she lands on him) That better be your handcuff!
(The Sexual Harassment Counselor tells the group that hugging may offend co-workers)
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Counsellor: You may see it as friendly but your co-workers may find it offensive.
Abby: (looking around) You guys get offended when I hug you?
Group: No, no... Never. No.
Abby: I'm hugging you all in my mind right now.
Tony: What if you slap someone on the back of the head like this? (Slaps McGee. McGee hits Tony in the groin and Tony groans.) Would that be... considered inappropriate behavior?
Sexual Harassment Counselor: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
(Tony looks at Gibbs. Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs gives him a stern look.)
Tony: No, I was just wondering.
Tony: I think you should go and check the bedroom. That is... unless you want me to come with you and help...What?
Ziva: Just wondering if offering to take me to a bedroom constitutes sexual harassment?
Tony: Well, if you have to ask then it's not harassment.
Ziva: If red light is for sexually assaulting a coworker, what color is murder?
Tony: How does black light sound?
Ziva: Works for me.
Tony: Curious to know what follows red-light behavior?
Ziva: Uh... potential pregnancy?
Ziva: (After Tony receives a phone call) So, test results came back already?
Tony: (Sarcastic) Yes, I'm pregnant, McGee is going to be very proud.
(Tony is undercover as a hobo, singing)
Tony: In my perspective I see the people from the big jet plane.The woman looks teutonic, she drinks a vodcatonic.Two bald men sit with her, waiting for a fourth.They are not going to order that main course until that person comes. (to a howling dog) Hey! Everybody's a critic.Amscray! Get outta here! (Tony starts watching two girls as they walk by)
Jenny: Eyes on the prize, Tango Eight. I may even let you keep the money you're making.
Tony: I sorry. I just do what I can.
Jenny: You're not gonna sing the whole thing are you?
Tony: I gotta do, what I gotta do. I am just a man. Oh! Speaking of man, another man walks through that front door with a polkadot scarf. Will he join the table? I don't know, yes he does. And greets the pretty lady. What do they say? Who knows. He's sitting at the table with da' other people from the plane.
Jenny: Stay steady on the target, Tango Eight. I want his photo. Isolate and freeze frame.
Tony: They are having a conversation. A heavy, heavy conversation. That man talka, talka, talka alot. Talka, talka, talka alot. (one of the men stares at Tony) Jenny, I think I've been made. Do you see what I see?
Jenny: Relax, Tango Eight. I'm sure he's just checking his reflection in the glass.
McGee: I did it, Abby. I know how they did it.
Abby: (coming up behind him) How'd you know I was here?
McGee: I didn't......Abby, I'm sorry for----
Abby: I know. (hugs him)
McGee: Thought you were supposed to ask for permission first.
Abby: Never with you, Tim.
McGee: The reason we couldn't find how they hacked the A.L. program was they didn't. They snuck inbefore the system was even online.
Gibbs: Makes sense.
McGee: A series of commands inserted into the flash memory of the bio should bootup.
Abby: They waited until condtions were met and then bam! Killer car syndrome.
McGee: Once executed they purged from memory. It can only trace it on extra space on one of the other motherboard's bio chips.
Gibbs: Figured it'd be something like that.
Abby: (smiling) Right. Um, we know the program was flashed from a physical device that was tied into the system.
McGee: Memory stick, SD card. We just need to find it.
Abby: And when we do we'll have the killer code and a clue to who wrote it.
(Gibbs walks away)
Abby: (to McGee) I think we lost him. We need to try it again, but slower.
Gibbs: (holds up a chip from a camera) So what you're saying, for example, we need to find something this small in a HumVee jammed with twenty-two million dollars of electronics.
McGee: Pretty much.
Gibbs: We're screwed. (leaves)
Abby: That is an excellent point.
McGee: Trying to decide is this is a yellow light or red light situation.
Abby: You only wish I was still sexually harrasing you.
Counselor: From the video presentation it is clear that sexual harrasment can take many forms in the work place. A co-worker with elevator eyes looking you up and down. A co-worker showing you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.
Tony: (to Ziva) If you're lucky.
Counselor: A co-worker's hand 'accidentally' brushes up against your body.
Ziva: (to Tony) If you're really lucky.
Counselor: Physical contact can be divided into three catagories.Green light includes normal behavior.Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone or----
(Abby raises her hand)
Counselor: Yup.
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Counselor: You may see it as friendly but your co-workers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?
Everyone: No.
Abby: I'm hugging you all in mind, right now.
Counselor: DOD policy is very clear about this point, Miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a co-worker.
Abby: Like, everytime?
Counselor: Yes. (Abby sits down) Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate, unwelcomed touching.
(Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear)
Tony: (jumping up) Ahhhh!
Counselor: Another question?
Tony: Yeah, what if you slap someone on the back of the head like this? (headslaps McGee and McGee hits him) Would that be considered inapropriate behavior?
Counselor: Absolutely. Are you saying that this had actually happened?
(Everyone looks at Gibbs and Gibbs stares at Tony)
Tony: No, I was just wondering, that's all.
(Tony sits back down and Palmer raises his hand)
Counselor: Yes?
Palmer: Uh, yes, uh, what if part of your job includes touching naked people, and-----?
Counselor: That's inapropiate at any time.
Palmer: Even if they're dead.
Counselor: Why are you touching dead, naked people?!
Palmer: Well, you see, I work in autopsy.....
Jamie: Now what?
Abby: Just sit back and let the scientists....
McGee: Kick all kinds of major ass.
Episode 4.12 "Suspicion"
Ziva- (To McGee)"Everyone loves a shooting except the shootee....Is that a word?"
McGee- "Sounds like a word. Do you want a spell?"
Ziva- "S-h-o-o-t-e-e.."
McGee- "No, I meant spell as in rest."
Ziva- "Oh! No."
Gibbs: "Give me some news, Abs"
Abby: "I'm not pregnant"
Gibbs: "Too much information"
Ziva: (to Major Raines) For an intelligence officer you are not very intelligent.
Ziva: (on Tony) You sent him back for other reasons than to question Lt. Shaheen's commanding officer.
Gibbs: Did I miss the announcement?
Ziva: No, I was not made Director of NCIS.
Gibbs: (shakes head) I was thinking more like Secretary of the Navy because the Director of NCIS would know **** well not to ask me such a stupid question!
Ziva: You bring your own coffee grind on investigations?!
Gibbs: Only on overnighters!
Tony: How do you live with the mother of all secrets?
Abby: You don't. It consumes you, it eats you like a cancer, from the inside. First there's the guilt, and then there's the excruciating urge to blab your secret even though you know it's gonna spell your doom. Have you gotten to that stage yet?
Tony: No! It's a hypothetical situation we're talkin' about!
Abby: Still in the guilt stage huh? And then you know, you can't take it anymore, it drives you insane, so you blab your secret to your best friend, or your mother, or your lover and it sets you free!
Tony: It does?
Abby: Yeah! Of course you lose all your friends, and your family and maybe even your job depending on what the secret is but yeah!
Tony: ... Great.
Abby: When I was eleven years old I had a paper route, and I got sick of it. So I hid all the papers and I only delivered wet ones to people who complained.
Tony: That was you?
Ziva: It's my Mossad training, they drummed it into us: push, push, push, push, push, push, push, never give up 'till you get the truth.
Gibbs: Or get your ass kicked.
(About McGee being secretive)
Tony: Hmm, let's see...wrote a novel...
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published...
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel...
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us!
Gibbs: (to Ziva, in response to her questions about Tony) Ah, you two got married and didn't tell me.
Abby: You mean like a MOAS! Like, a mother of all secrets.
Tony: Yeah.
Abby: Oh everybody has one, I'm not gonna tell you mine... what's yours?
Tony: Ah ha! Nice try. I'm sitting on my MOAS!
Sheriff: He's an Iraqi.
Deputy: Same as the victim.
Ziva: She's from Kuwait, actually.
Deputy: And where are you from?
Ziva: The city.
Tariq: Did you shoot me?
Gibbs: No.
Tariq: Did she?
Ziva: No.
Tariq: Sheriff Barrett?
Gibbs: Possibly.
Tariq: His brother?
Ziva: Probably.
Ziva: Did you hear from Tony last night?
Gibbs: Nope.
Ziva: How about this morning? (Gibbs gives her a look) The only reason I'm asking is because I called him last night to update him and he didn't pick up the phone.He didn't answer this morning either.
Gibbs: Ah, you two got married and didn't tell me.
Ziva: Look Tony's been ver secretive lately and for a man who can't keep what he had for brekfast a secret I think it's......scary.
Gibbs: What's scary is your persitance.
Tony: Probie, i have a pimple on my left buttox that is a better writer than you.
(Tony is setting up a romantic dinner for two in the middle of a parking lot)
Jeanne: This is like a scene from an old movie... wait a second... is this a scene from an old movie?
Tony: Ah... well that really depends.
Jeanne: On?
Tony: Have you ever seen the movie called Strangers in the Night with Cary Grant?
Jeanne: I don't think so.
Tony: Then no, this is a completely original idea that I came up with all by myself.
McGee: Did you see their nameplates? Both are Barretts.
Ziva: Brothers?
McGee: Cousins?
Tony: Boondocks.
Episode 4.13 "Sharif Returns"
Gibbs: People get older realize that they want something different
Hollis Mann: And you can tell this just by looking into someone's eyes?
Gibbs: Yeah.
Hollis Mann: Okay, what do you see in my eyes?
Gibbs: That you want me to kiss you.
Hollis Mann: So are you going to?
Gibbs: Yeah.
Hollis Mann: When?
Gibbs: After we catch Sharif.
Abby: [to Mann] Never question the gut.
Gibbs: Ziva, you and Tony...
Ziva: Run down a list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent.
Gibbs: And find out...
Tony: If any of them were BZ gas. On it boss.
Mann: Do they always finish your sentences for you?
Gibbs: I teach them to anticipate.
Mann: Well they do it well. You must be a good teacher.
Gibbs: Well, thank you, thank you very much.
Mann: Funny us running into each other like that.
Gibbs: Funny?
Mann: You have a better word?
Gibbs: A few come to mind.
(McGee and Abby are talking in nonstop technical terms.)
Mann: How long will they go on like this?
Gibbs: Until we stop 'em.
McGee: So this is the guy Ziva was drooling over.
Ziva: I wasn't drooling!
Tony: Please, I saw you undressing him with your bedroom eyes.
Ziva: At least I'm not the one asking him if he waxed his eyebrows!
Tony: It's important to appreciate the competition.
Abby: (about getting a tattoo) What'd you think?
Gibbs: I don't think I'm the one to ask about this.
Abby: But Gibbs, you know me better than anyone else and when you're gonna make decision that's gonna effect the rest of your life you need the person around you who knows you the best for guidence.Please?
Gibbs: Where do you want to put the tattoo?
Abby: Okay, you're right.You're not the one to ask.
Episode 4.14 "Blowback"
Ducky: "Rigorous for most; rigor mortis for him."
Gibbs: Tv drama.Eight letters down.
Tony: Uhh, St Elsewhere.
Tony (seeing Goliath awake):
Oh uh, good morning, sunshine!
Goliath: Where am I?
Tony: Tenar Reef, which is the Carnary Islands.We're almost there.
Goliath: Where? Tony (to Gibbs): Hey, what kinda clubs do they have in Morocco?
Gibbs: We're not going to Morocco.
Tony: Come'on, on the way back?
Goliath: On the way back from where?
Tony: Oh, I'm sorry, they only gave you a one way ticket.
Goliath: Who they?
Tony (to Gibbs agian): Here's the deal we jump into Casa Balamca, hit Rick's Cafe for a little cocktail, I could tickle the Ivorys, "Here's looking at you, kid".We're back to DC, nobody knows.
Goliath: Who are you people?
Tony: Curiors.Delivering a package as a favor to out Isreali friends.
Goliath: Package?
Gibbs: Don't take it personal.......Goliath.
Tony: Yeah, can I ask you about that? Every arms dealer I meet, they have the cheesiest code names.I mean 'Goliath'? Did you you choose that?
Goliath: You....you are CIA, yes?
(Gibbs and Tony laugh)
Gibbs ( still laughing): No.
(Ziva walks in)
Tony: Ooh, this should be interesting.Goliath I would like you to meet one of our Isreai friends.
Ziva (speaking Isreali): You are a traitor, to our country and our people!
Goliath (also speaking Isreali): I never sell weapons to to Hamas or Hezbollah!
Ziva (back to English): You sell to people who do.
Tony: You're lucky she doesn't have her slingshot.
Ziva: Still waiting for clearence to take off.The pilot say we'll only be on the ground for a couple of minutes when we reach Zaire, it's too dangerous to stay there any longer.
Goliath: Zaire? You're takeing me to Zaire?
Ziva: You sold RPG's to their army.They were very dissapointed with the quality of the merchandise.
Tony: I believe the president of Zaire himself is eager to discuss how you stiffed him.
Ziva: He inturn has some information Mossad needs.
Tony: And we owe Mossad a little favor 'cause they told us you were in DC.So here we are.We deliver you to Zaire, the president gives the Isreali's whatever information they want, and everyone is happy.
Ziva: Well, not everyone.
Pilot (over intercome): We have been cleared for take off.Fasten your seatbelts.
Goliath: Please.I am very wealthy.I have diamonds.
Tony: Ooh, you had diamonds.This jet is very expensive and somebody had to pay for it.
Goliath: I know things.
Tony: Yeah, how to trade weapons for diamonds.We got that.
Goliath: I'll trade information.
Tony: And what could you know that could interest the CIA?
Ziva: He thinks we're the CIA?
(Ziva, Tony, and Gibbs laugh)
Goliath: CIA, FBI, NSA. What difference does it make.I have informationo to trade for my life ARES.
Tony: Cancer.
Gibbs: Virgo.
Ziva: Scorpion.
Goliath: No, your Navy's incripted satalite system.
Ziva: Not my Navy.
Goliath: The American Navy.They use it to send target cordnates to cruise missles.
Tony: Did ya' get that outta Chains, Goliath?
Goliath: What if Iran possed it? Or North Korea? In the war? They could intercept anc change cruise missle cordnates.Sell it to Teleavie or even return to sender.
Tony: But they don't have ARES.
Ziva: Sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of your miserable life.
Goliath: ARES is for sale.I know who's selling it.
Ziva: (about Tony's girlfriend) Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?
Tony: Pirated copy.
Ziva: That's what I said.
Tony: No, you said pirate's copy.Pirate is a person, like Captan Jack Sparrow.A pirated copy.......
Ziva: Who is Jack Sparrow?
Tony: Johnny Depp.
Ziva: He's a piarte?
Tony: No, he's an actor.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: (meaning their conversation) How did we get here?
Ziva: I drove.
Jenny: Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right, Tony?
Tony: That's right, Director, they could've.......
Gibbs: Shot him.
Tony: That's right, they could've shot him.
Gibbs: Of course, in a high octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through him heart.
Ziva: Three rounds.
Gibbs: And McGee, not to be outdone, would've.....
McGee: Added three more.
Jenny: Gibbs.
Gibbs: See? There you go.Six rounds, same result, one dead Mr. Herio.
Jenny: Get the diamonds.
Ducky: Rene, aren't you forgetting something?
La Grenoullie: Ah, my bottle of history is your's my friend.Add to it well.
Ducky: I don't know what to say.......
McGee/Jenny: Give me the diamonds!
Tony: This is the pirated part of the console we have to find.
Ziva: Twenty million for that?
Tony: Size isn't everything.......forget I even stupidly started to say that.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, you were following orders.I'd have done the same thing.
Tony: Really?
Gibbs: Yeah.
Tony: You would have lied to Mike Franks?
Ziva: I told you I couldn't program the navigator.I'm a driver!
McGee: Ziva, I've driven with you before.I'd rather be lost than dead.
Ziva: (about La Grenoullie) Why don't we snatch him when he lands, toss him in the back of the trunk, and drive over the border.
McGee: That might work where you grew up Ziva, but not here.
Jenny: Why not?
Jenny: I will get him, another time, another deal. I will be there and I will get him.
Gibbs: Are you sure you want to?
Shepard: Of course I want to!
Gibbs: Some people need to have someone to hate.
Shepard: Not me.
Gibbs: Then you should have let Ziva take the shot.
Episode 4.15 "Friends & Lovers"
Abby- "Meet Neriin Oleandrin Oleondroside!"
Gibbs (to McGee) "Friends of yours Elf Lord?"
Palmer: Not to mention a great source of protein.
Ducky: Ah, as I was saying, they should prove helpful in determining the time of death unless, of course, my assistant decides to eat them first.
Ziva: (to Lee, after her knife barely misses Gibbs' nose) I thought you said you grew up around weapons.
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father actually let me touch any of them.
Ducky: People who choose to live their lives this way have no body to blame (shaking finger at dead P.O.) but themselves.
Ziva (whispering): Lee, Can you please pretend you want to be here with us?
Lee (whispering): I'm trying. I don't know where your Sig is, but I'm having trouble walking.
(As they watch McGee get into this exclusive club so they can look for a witness Hooker)
Tony: I really need to write a book.
Gibbs: (Mumbling almost) You should read one first...
Tony: (Sees McGee going up the stairs) McGee?
Gibbs: No...the famous novelist Thom E. Gemcity...
[Tony throws a knife and hits the target dead on]
Tony: Five summers at Camp Pocequatic. Was also a pretty mean clogger.......That doesn't leave this room.
Ziva: Nobody cares that you spent your summers prancing around in little wooden shoes.
Tony: The term is dancing. [McGee takes his turn and the knife bounces off the target]
Tony: (laughs) Math Camp?
McGee: Chess, but at least I didn't wear man clogs. [Agent Lee throws her knife and goes flying backwards narrowly missing Gibbs, who just entered the room]
Ziva: (whispering) I thought you said you grew up around weapons.
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father actually let me touch any of them.
Jenny: Whats the problem?
Gibbs: Jurisdiction issues with metro Police.
Lee: They're insisting on a warrant.
Gibbs: And this... (motioning to Lee) legal person won't give me one.
Lee: I tried, Director, we don't have probable cause, I can't get a judge to sign off on it.
Gibbs: We have a dead sailor. We have a killer leaving us messages in human blood.
Lee: But we need to get a warrant, Sir. Not Sir, Gibbs, Special, Special Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: (to Director) Where did you find her?
Jenny: Don't take it personally, Michelle.
Lee: He's right.
Jenny: He usually is. That's what makes him so irritating.
(Gibbs and Morris enter the elevator)
Carson: Should we call the paramedics?
Ziva: No need. If they fight, it'll be to the death.
Ziva: This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needlestack.
Tony: Needle in a haystack.
Ziva: I like my description better.
McGee: Ironic isn't it... serial killer forced to drink his own poison. (pause) Could make a good book... (Abby whacks his arm)
Ducky: However women normally hide poison in food not drinks.
Gibbs: That would explain why my last ex wife spent so much time in the kitchen.
McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up evidence bag) Find anything yet?
Abby: When, McGee? If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here......Which may be the reason I started talking to my machines in the first place.
McGee: Well, Abbs, I gotta tell him something.
Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee.It works for me.
Episode 4.16 "Dead Man Walking"
Lt. Roy Sanders- "My Gut has integrity."
Ziva- "So does my Spleen."
(McGee arrives in squadroom wearing hospital scrubs...)
Tony- "If clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?"
Ziva- "Male Nurse?"
Tony- "No. Aqua Smurf."
Ziva: (to Tony) "I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paper clip."
Tony: "Mossad, hot liquid, let her have it McGee."
Tony (to Ziva): You know you've been at the hospital too long when you know how to work the vending machines!
Abby: (referring to McGee's jacket) It's really soft. Rub that against a certain part of your body...
McGee: You didn't!
Abby: I don't even have that part!
Ziva: Special Agent Gibbs asked me to accompany you. I am Officer David.
Sanders: I'd shake your hand, but...
Ziva: Actually, it would be best to avoid all bodily contact.
Sanders: You sound just like my prom date.
(Abby is sucking the last drops out of her Caf-Pow!)
Gibbs: (trying to wrench the Caf-Pow! away from her) Abbs, it's over.
Abby: I just hate to see the first one of the morning end.
Tony: Who's the designer?
Ziva: Why do you assume I know?
Tony: Because...
Ziva: Because I'm a woman? Because I'm Jewish?
Tony: Because you're a great detective.
Ziva: True.
Roy: Table's cold.
Ducky: None of my other patients ever complained.
Roy: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here, is you talk back.
McGee: Found something.
Tony: Is it dangerous?
McGee: Do you want kids?... Kidding.
Diane Russio: Got a little drunk. I knocked on his door. He wouldn't let me in. I was a complete idiot and he was a complete gentleman.
Ziva: Or maybe he's gay.
Diane Russio: Oh, I don't think so.
Ziva: How do you know?
Diane Russio: I saw the way he looked at you.
Ziva: This is killing me, I feel like I know him.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Internet dateing?
Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.
Tony: (watching Gibbs in interrgation) This is my favorite part.
McGee: The part where Gibbs breaks him?
Tony: No. The part right before Gibbs breaks him, when the guy still thinks he has a chance.
Abby: (about Gibbs) Wow, somebody needs a Happy Meal.
Episode 4.17 "Skeletons"
Ziva: Last one to the party.
Tony: It's not really a party till the bomb squad says it is.
Abby: You know how sometimes a guy can get you all tied up inside?
Ziva: Yes.
Abby: And you can't get the knots out?
Ziva: Yes.
Abby: Well, it just really helped me to talk things out with Gibbs. Because even if you don't let it show, people can still tell. So if you ever want to talk about..
Ziva: I liked him, he died, and um, what else is there to say?
Jenny: It's not too early for a cocktail is it?
Colonel Mann: Well, the sun must be down somewhere.
Episode 4.18 "Iceman"
Tony: "Well we got another dead man walking."
Gibbs: Any tattoos Ducky?
Ducky: Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no.
Tony: Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?
McGee: Everyday!
Tony: ... wrong person to ask.
Mike: (to Gibbs) We're getting more alike, you and me, Probie. Even feeling the same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little girl, maybe you did for awhile; maybe you still are. But I just know I've got to do what's right for my boy... I owe him that.
Abby: Look, it's not something you can fix in your classic Gibbs hit and run style okay...
Gibbs: I've got time Abs.
Abby: It's stupid, it's just a guy. (pause) I'm not gonna start spilling my guts just because you keeping standing here. (Gibbs says nothing) Alright. Apparently I am, "too much" for him. Can you imagine that? Me? And it's not what you think. It's not all (gestures to herself) this. He likes, he likes small women. I got dumped because I'm too, too big. Don't even bother with the 'No, it's him he's too small' or 'He can't accept you for who you are then it's his problem' thing. He just, doesn't think that we could make it work and I've done everything I can to try to convince him that he's wrong. So I guess I'm just going to have to accept it then. And let go. (She smiles and hugs him) Thanks Gibbs. You always know what to say.
Episode 4.19 "Grace Period"
Abby: "It was just a Squatting Hug, or "Sqwug" if you will."
Abby (typing into the voice simulator): Hey Gibbs! Why no Caf-Pow!? (he stares at her) Okay. I shut up now.
Ducky: Yes, this man appears to have been literally at the heart of the explosion.
Tony: He was sitting on the bomb?
Gibbs: He was the bomb DiNozzo.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit Boss.
Gibbs: I've got a better way. Leave!
Paula: I should've gone in with those guys!
Gibbs: Well, yeah. Then you'd be dead too. It was an ambush, there was nothing you could've done.
Paula: Would you feel the same way if it was your team?
Gibbs: Yes I would.
Paula: I have tough time believing that, Gibbs!
Gibbs: Yeah well the difference between us, Paula. Is I wouldn't stop to grieve until I put the b******* responsible for this in the ground.
Paula: [about Ziva] I wonder what Gibbs would do if I slapped her.
Tony: I'd be more worried about what she would do.
Gibbs: I didn't bring you here for security.
Paula: I know I made a mistake but...
Gibbs: Say a prayer for your team, Cassidy. we'll do the heavy lifting.
Abby: What will you do then?
Ziva: We kill them, Abby.
Tony: Arrest them, Ziva. We'll arrest them.
Paula: I prefer her way.
Tony: You guys miss me today, Abbs?
Abby: Why? Where were you?
Tony: Never mind.
Abby: Of course I did Tony.
(she hugs him, hurting his injured shoulder)
Tony: Ah!
Abby: Sorry.Are you okay?
Tony: Cassidy hit me.
(Abby looks at Paula)
Paula: If I'd puched him, Abby, he wouldn't be standing.
Abby: (hits Tony's arm) Never lie to a woman, Anthony DiNozzo.
Tony: Hey ah, Boss? Got a question for ya. That thing you said yesterday; we were really supposed to have the weekend duty Cassidy's team took?
Gibbs: Yep.
Tony: How'd we get out of it?
Gibbs: I asked.
Tony: So that really could've been us.
Gibbs: It could be us every single day of the week; sometimes it has been. You wanna worry about something? Worry about tomorrow.
Gibbs: (at a ball park) It's all about the concentration.
Mann: Anyone ever tell you you have a cute butt? (he misses)
Paula: For all we know he could have committed suicide!
Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? I mean, that doesn't make any sense!
Tony: No, it doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies, an assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who's suicided before his suicide bombing; it's kinda like 'how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.'
Gibbs: You should just smack him in the back of the head, it works wonders for DiNozzo and McGee.
Ducky: I did, but he rather enjoyed it.
Ziva: (laughs) I'll be sure to remember that.
McGee: So we have to choose between Abby and Ducky?
Ziva: I'd rather be Mcgee's cat.
Jenny: (to Gibbs) So which one are you leaning toward?
Gibbs: Neither.My moneys on DiNozzo.
Episode 4.20 "Cover Story"
(Tony and Ziva inside the elevator)
Ziva It was no secret. He's writing about us!
Tony: Oh c'mon! it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Liza and her broken heart.
Ziva And the memento she keeps about a relationship that would never have a chance to happen.
Tony: Yah! where did he gets that, or the scene between Liza and Tommy where they pull their hearts to each other and spoil their secrets
Ziva (smile) When he tried to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis
Tony: Yeah! I mean the hidden struggle between "who he is?", "what is he becoming?" I don't even know what it is!
Ziva It's totally unrealistic!
Tony: It will never happen.
(Tony and Ziva leave the elevator)
Gibbs: "Are you okay, Abs?"
Abby: "With all the bad guys after me, I feel like I'm dating Spiderman."
Landon: You set a wedding date yet?
Tony: The guest list is full.
Ziva: Maybe we should spitball ideas and see what sticks. (McGee and Tony stare.) What? Did I get it wrong?
Tony: No, you got that one right.
Tony: What've you got, Abbs?
Abby: Three hours sleep.
Abby: Did you know it's a bad idea to try and flush voodoo dolls down the toliet?
Tony: I do now.
McGee: It's like he's here in the room with me, looking over my shoulder while I write.
Tony: Type. (McGee looks at him) 'Cause techincally what you do it type.
McGee: That's how he does it.
Tony: Look over your shoulder?
McGee: I type.I type.Tony, I type!
Tony: Trust your instincts, Tim, they're usually right.Take the lead on this one, all we can do is assist,
Tony: (to McGee) It's not your fault; but if you even think about writing a third novel, I'll kill ya'.
Gibbs: Nice of you to join us, DiNozzo.
Tony: I thought I was gaining ground.He has a very unorthadox running style.But it's effective.
Gibbs: Not effective enough.
(watchin Todd 'run'.)
Tony: What do you call that?
Gibbs: Running.........I think.
Abby: I will not reveal my sorcess even if you torture me.
Tony: Ducky?
Abby: Yes!
Abby: All right, let's hear it.
Tony: Hear what?
Abby: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist "Amy Sutton" broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Tony: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Ziva: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby: You guys are so lying. (gasps) He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby: No.
Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.
McGee: The blood starts at the ping pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: This is tragic, don't tell me you've never heard of beer pong, Probie......What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Studdied.
Tony: That figures.Well, beer pong is a drinking game.The object of which is to take teh ping pong ball and try and get into the other teams cups.
McGee: Show me how's it done.
Tony: This is a crime scene, not a frat house. (McGee looks over his shoulder) You hearing voices, Probie.
McGee: Figured you saw Gibbs comeing.
Tony: Well, I just don't think this is the time or place to showcase my beer pong skills.....What?
McGee: Seems out of charcter.
Tony: (laughs) Yeah.....No, you may not use me to get over your writer's block.
Ziva: (entering) McGee has writer's block?
McGee: No, McGee does not.
(Tony nods behind McGee's back)
Ziva: Just do what you do did last time.Write about us.
McGee: Okay, I've told you guys a million times, the book is not about you.
Tony: Well of course not.It's about Special Agent Tommy.
Ziva: And officer Lisa.
Gibbs: (from the other room) DiNozzo!
Tony: And L.J. Tibbs.
Ducky: Yes, from what I hear Timothy, in your next novel L.J Tibbs has a love interest.
(Gibbs looks at McGee)
Ducky: Yes, from what I hear, it's an Army....
McGee: Ducky, I don't think we need to talk about that!
Gibbs: Army what, McGee?
McGee: Uh, Lietenant.....Cornell.Lietenant Cornell.
Episode 4.21 "Brothers in Arms"
McGee: "Ever seen anyone walk that fast in heels?"
Tony: "Only at the end of a really hairy date."
Jeanne: "Well I figured a guy like you would be used to doing that."
Tony: "Uh, I never got that far."
Jeanne: "Ah, well there's a first time for everything."
Gibbs: (about a suspect) What's he hideing?
McGee: Well for the most part, not a whole lot.It's the most boring diary I've ever read.Obsession with Kelly Clarckson, wondering why he can't find a girlfriend.
Abby: He didn't make the connection between the two?
Jenny: Schedule a briefing in an hour and get me Agent DiNozzo.
Agent: Yes, Ma'am.
Tony: (walking in) You got 'im?
Jenny: I know Gibbs teached you to anticipate but I didnt even know I needed you until a second ago.
Tony: Well, when you're good, you're good.
Tony: She got one of Le Grenouille's men?
McGee: ...through a tinted window...
Ziva: ...in a car going forty miles per hour.
Tony: Rock on Jenny!
(Fornell walks into Jen's office)
Jenny: Agent Fornell...
Fornell: Jenny; Jethro.
Gibbs: Get lost on your way to work?
Gibbs: Directer of NCIS.
Jenny: Yes?
Gibbs: That's a job I wouldn't want.
Jenny: Don't worry, no one's offering.
Gibbs: You know why?
Jenny: You mean besides your impatience, total lack of respect to authority, and the fact that you still haven't learned how to play nice with others?
Gibbs Yea, yea, besides all that.
Episode 4.22 "In the Dark"
Jimmy: Why is everyone looking at my like I'm in some kind of trouble?
Mann: "I feel like an idiot"
Gibbs: "Sure sounded like one."
Jeanne: "Don't tell me you want to live with me then take it back."
Tony: "I am not taking it back. When I suggested we live together, I was speaking from, you know, what's the thing in your rib cage?"
Jeanne: "Heart."
Tony: "Heart. Yeah, I was and I am and I meant it. I'm just uh..."
Jeanne: "A commitment phobe afraid to love?"
Tony: "Right in the middle there."
Jeanne: "Don't do this to me, Tony."
Tony: "Jeanne."
Jeanne: "You didn't have to say anything yesterday. You could have just given me a hug and told me everything would be okay. That would have been more than enough."
(Tony finishes a private phone conversation with Jeanne to find the team standing behind him.)
Tony: "Hi."
McGee: "Hey, Abby called. She found something, wanted us to come down."
Gibbs: "If you're done, that is."
Tony: "I'm sorry, Boss. I'm..."
Gibbs: (interrupting) "I know, DiNozzo. Trust me, I know." (Gibbs and McGee leave)
Tony: (to Ziva) "How long were you guys there?"
Ziva: "Long enough. So, you are getting a new roommate! "
Tony: Before you give me advice on dating, there's something I need to get out my system first, okay?
(slight pause, then he starts laughing)
Ziva: Stop laughing, or I will have to hurt you!
Abby: The first thing that I did when I got the photos-
Ziva: Was run facial recognition software on every face you could find.
Tony: Which led nowhere.
Abby: Thank you both, for that reminder of my failure.
Gibbs: You haven't failed me yet, Abs.
Abby: I think, he bugged himself! Yeah, you like that? When you think you know where I'm going.. then 'Shazam!'.
McGee: Cant imagine what I'd do if I lost my eyesight.
Ziva: Youd adapt.
McGee: What if I didnt?
Ziva: Youd fall into a deep depression and eventually you'd die.
McGee: Yeah, remind me not to come to you for a pep talk anytime soon.
Gibbs: You called me down here to tell me you got nothing?
Abby: Me, nothing, but (reffering to McGee) Mr. Mildly Neurotic Introvert with a highly sensitive ego, he has something.
Ziva: I know what you're doing. You're hiding behind all these jokes. And I know what you're hiding from.
Tony: Yeah? What's that?
Ziva: What everyone afraid to love hides from, being hurt.
Tony: It's not just me that I'm worrying about hurting, Ziva.
Ziva: That's because you're a good person.
Tony: It's complicated.
Ziva: Complicated. Complicated. Complicated. You know, in America I have noticed they use that word as a code for, "If I explain it, uh, you would not agree with me. Therefore, I will use the word complicated and hopefully you will stop asking."
Tony: Yeah, that's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm gonna go see what Abby wants.
Tony: You could try the buffer. (Everyone stares at him.) Sorry, you guys say that every once in a while so I thought....
Abby: He's right.
Ziva: He is?
Tony: I am?
Tony: Abby's processing the evidence from his office.She nearly bit my head off when I poked it in lab to check on her.
McGee: Quit drinking caffeine.
Ziva: (shocked) Abby?
Tony: (equally shocked) Abby Scuito?
Episode 4.23 "Trojan Horse"
Gibbs: I had a wife like you, once, Cynthia. I divorced her.
Cynthia: Beat her to it, did you?
Jenny: Hello, Cynthia. Hello? Cynthia?
Gibbs: Nooo.
Jenny: Jethro. I should have recognized the heavy breathing.
Gibbs: She hung up on me.
Cynthia: Shocking.
Gibbs: Did you call back to apologize?
Tony: Uhhh, I don’t know what you heard, boss, but I was not the one who started that pool.
Gibbs: What pool is that, DiNozzo?
Tony: On the case?
Gibbs: What case?
Tony: There’s a dead body in the taxi at the main gate, case.
Cynthia: The case files.
Gibbs: Leave ‘em on my desk.
Cynthia: They are on your desk!
Tony: Maybe he died of embarrassment when he couldn’t pay the cab fare.
Ducky: Alas, death by embarrassment isn’t a certifiable cause, however intriguing the notion.
Ducky: (re Tony): It’s about time that boy fell in love.
McGee: I wonder what Gibbs did wrong?
Tony: Slipped into Jenny’s heels.
Gibbs: Hey, Ducky, you win the pool!
Ducky: (fist pump): Yes! Thank you, Jethro.
Gibbs: And I didn’t do anything wrong, McGee.
La Grenouille: Have they located Borov?
Trent Kort: Not yet.
La Grenouille: Perhaps they should.
Joey Kelly (to Gibbs, indicating Tony): Well, he said I could leave.
Tony: Well, what I say doesn’t count when the boss is here.
Kelly: Like me when the wife is around.
Tony: Even if he had it extended for a year, he’s here illegally.
Gibbs: Should we notify immigration and deport him?
Tony (nervous laugh): That’s a good one, boss.
Gibbs: I thought you were supposed to solve these riddles Duck?
Ducky: Abby and I like to share.
Abby: Oh, this cab is bringing back memories. Cheap vinyl, plastic divider, dirty floor. Actually, these floors are pretty clean. The ones I remember were dirty.
McGee: Let me guess, short-lived career as a cabbie?
Abby: Short-lived encounter. Ships in the night.
McGee: Oooh.
Abby: My first time.
Ziva: For what?
McGee: Front seat or back?
Abby: Back. Well, both, kind of.
Ziva: Oh! My first time was in a weapons carrier.
McGee/Abby: Of course it was.
Ziva: Where was the cabbie when this, um, encounter took place?
Abby: He was the cabbie. Putting himself through school. It was his first time, too.
Gibbs: First time for what?
Abby: Seeing a curling match, Gibbs. Have you ever seen a curling match? The pristine ice and those little brooms that sweep.
Tony (over phone): I wouldn’t normally ask you this, but since you didn’t know the deceased, I was wondering if you’d be interested in subscribing to our DVD club? It’s mostly East German films. Because I have a special... Haha! Gets ‘em off the line fast every time.
Ziva: When is the Director returning?
Tony: Sometime tomorrow.
Ziva: I don’t think Gibbs is going to last that...
Gibbs: Scoletti’s lawyers have a hired gun coming in to check Abby’s ballistics. Tell Abby.
McGee: I’d really rather not.
Abby: They’re questioning the validity of my ballistics.
McGee: Scoletti’s lawyers are desperate. They’re desperate. They’re like drowning men, grasping...
Abby: At thin polystyrene tubes?
McGee: I-I was gonna say straws, but I do like that ending better.
Abby: I pride myself on the accuracy of my forensics, and lawyers, (lawyers!), are questioning it.
McGee: Abby, they don’t know you like we know you, okay? They’re hoping that you made a mistake, but when their ballistic experts don’t find any, that makes your forensics all the more damning in court. So please do not let desperate lawyers grasping at thin polystyrene tubes upset you. Please.
Abby: I love you, McGee. Not like, "love you"- love you. Not that I don’t love you, because I do, kinda, you know, like.., like the way I love puppies.
McGee: I...I could’ve done without that comparison.
Gibbs (to Kelly): After a while, women, they just don’t like me.
Ziva: Hey, we’ll make it worth your wow.
Tony: 'While,' not 'wow.'
Ziva: 'Wow' makes more sense.
Tony: You’re right, 'wow' would be better.
Ducky: Good work, my dear.
Abby: Thank you, Ducky.
Ducky: You’re welcome.
Gibbs: Whenever you two are done....
Kort: No foreplay?
Jenny: No time.
Kort: So-o-o American.
Ziva: Our cabbie did not take the most direct route from the Embassy.
Tony: This is America, Ziva, the land of opportunity. No cabbie ever takes the quickest route.
Kelly (to Gibbs and Ziva when phone rings): The wife. I’m gonna take this because she scares me more than you guys.
Marine Corporal Keener: Both hands on the wheel.
Kelly: Okay, okay, whatever you say.
Keener: Step out of the taxi.
Kelly: Hands on the wheel or step out? I can’t do both.
Keener: Guess.
Kelly: Thelma looks like you when she’s pissed, only she doesn’t have a gun, thank God.
Kelly (to Gibbs): Tell her enough with the evil eye, it reminds me of my mother.
Ziva: You’re comparing me to your mother?
Kelly: Just the eyes, and maybe a little around the mouth.
Ziva: (to Gibbs) Permission to shoot?
Jenny: (to Cynthia) Put him back on.
Gibbs: Yeeeessss...
Jenny: Is there any serious business I should know about?
Gibbs: Well, the Buy America toilet paper doesn't fit the metric fixture and we got to turn...
Jenny: (hangs up)
Gibbs: (to Cynthia) She hung up on me.
Cynthia: (sarcastically) Shocking.
(Gibbs is on the phone)
Tony: That the director on the phone.
Ziva: Secnav.
McGee: Wonder what Gibbs did wrong.
Tony: Slipped into Jenny's heels.
(Gibbs gets off the phone and starts over to them)
Tony: Uh, Ziva, take the driver's statment.
Ziva: I already did.
Tony: McGee, crime scene photos, finish 'em.
McGee: Yeah, I finished 'em.
Gibbs: You get an ID?
Tony: Yeah, photo on the ID matches the victum's.
Ziva: Amal Farhan.No buzzers.
McGee: Bells.
Gibbs: What else?
McGee: A list with seven names on it.Farhem is number five.
Ziva: Obviously whatever he wanted to tell us had something to do with this list.
Gibbs: Find everyone on it.
Tony: So, uh, Director, does that mean..
Gibbs: I'm heading the investigation.Hey, Duck, you win the pool!
Ducky: Yes! Thank you, Jethro!
Gibbs: And I didn't do anything wrong, McGee.
Episode 4.24 "Angel of Death"
Gibbs:"When you look at me like that, McGee, I get this over-whelming urge to head slap you."
Gibbs: You lost your protection detail in Paris. You went missing for 21 hours, where were you?
Jenny: You sound like a jealous husband.
Gibbs: How would you know?
Jenny Don't touch that! It's scotch you drink bourbon
Gibbs:So do you
Jenny: I had another visitor, before you arrived unannounced.
Gibbs: Did he duck out the back?
Jenny : Now you do sound like a jealous husband
Jenny [to Gibbs about being "acting" director] I take it walking in my heels has presented a challenge.
Tony: (after saying he had to lie to Gibbs) He's my boss.
Jenny: And I'm *his* boss. You leave him to me. Your ass is covered.
Tony: I'm not worried about my a**, Jenny!
Fornell: Ever think of picking up a phone?
Gibbs: Hard lines, they're tapped, cell phones calls, snatched right out of the air.
Fornell: Turning into a conspiracy nut Jethro, what's next, alien abductions?
Gibbs: Only if you don't answer my question.
Jenny: Is the Agency still intact after a week with Gibbs in charge?
Cynthia: Mmm, we survived.
Jenny: (laughs) Did Gibbs?
Cynthia: Barely.
Cynthia: Welcome home director. How was the interpol conference?
Jenny: Fine, full of eurocops trying to hook up with me. (pause) And no I didn't
Cynthia: (flustered) Oh, uhh, I wasn't wondering.
Jenny: I would if I were you.
Jenny: In polite society one usually calls before a visit. Bourbon?
Gibbs: I've kicked in too many doors to be polite. Yes.
Jenny: I appreciate the restraint you showed by using the bell. I've been rather fond of that door since I was a child.
Gibbs: You still dream about OJ-ing Diane?
Fornell: Nah Emily kind of likes her. You?
Gibbs: Only when I think about my grandfather's watch.
Abby: (to Ziva and Tony about McGee) He panics taking tests.
McGee: It's not uncommon.
Abby: It started in kindergarden.Couldn't change the answer.
Tony: Hard to erase crayon.
Ziva: You lied about your name.
McGee: No.Timothy McGee is my legal name.Thom E. Gemcity is my pen name, I don't any other names.
Gibbs: (entering) Probie.
McGee: Yeah, boss?
Gibbs: And Elflord.Two other names.
(Abby is trying to help McGee prepare for his polygraph)
Gibbs: Why are you torturing McGee?
Lee: You can consitutionally refuse to take a polograph.
McGee: I'd have to turn in my badge.
Lee: True.But you don't have to take teh test.
Abby: Hey! I have an idea.Why don't we get Ducky to tell the examiners that Tim is just way to stressed out to take the test.
Lee: Ducky's a medical examiner, he's not a physiatrist.
Abby: But he does physcological profiles.
Ziva: Of serial killers.
McGee: That's good.I'll go from federal agent to serial killer in one day.
Abby: Just a thought.
Bartender: Here ya go.(gives Abby another drink)
Abby: Thanks.Wow, great bartender.
Ziva: You can beat a poloygraph.
Abby: No you can't.
Ziva: I've done it, Abby.It's part of Mossad training.All you have to do----
Lee: Oh, hello, if it's unethnical I can't hear it.
Ziva: Well, don't listen!
Lee: Fine.Lalalalala.Go ahead.Lalalalalala.
McGee: Homeland Security is ordering us to take a polygraph.
Ducky: It's rather odd but it's nothing to worry about unless you a spy.
Ziva: Why are you looking at me?
Ducky: I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere with a little humor.
Palmer: I don't think they expect you to be funny, Doctor. (pause)That's didn't come out right.
Ducky: No, I should say not.
Palmer: I mean, I don't think they expect a Scottsman to be funny.
Abby: Stop.....digging.....Palmer.You've almost reached China.
Ducky: (making a toast) May the best you've ever seen, be the worst you'll ever see.May a mouse never leave your gernal with a tear drop in his E.May you stay hial and hearty until you're old enough to D.May you all be as happy as we wish you all to be.
McGee: (phone rings) Guys, I'm sorry I gotta go.
Abby: Me too.Great toast, Ducky.
Ducky: Thank you.
Palmer: Terrfic.
Lee: Really good, Doctor.
(everyone leaves except Ziva)
Ziva: May a mouse never leave your gerdal with a tear drop in his E.
Ducky: Not gerdal.Gernal.It's an oat bin.If it was empty a mouse would cry.
Ziva: (raising her glass) To dry eyed mice.
Ducky: (laughs) Here, here.
Ziva: I have a funny feeling doctor.
Ducky: It's teh tequilla, my dear.You've had three Shooters just in the time I've been here.
Ziva: (looking at her phone) Striaght to voicemail just like always when he's with her.
Ducky: Tony?
Ziva: What?
Ducky: (pause) Nothing.
Ziva: Oh, no, no, no.That was defintly something.
Ducky: Well, why do you moniter Tony?
Ziva: I don't moniter Tony.
Ducky: Yes, you do, my dear.Like a mother with a toddler.
Ziva: That's a good description.
Ducky: Or a woman with a wayward lover
.
Ducky: Ziva it's friday night, Tony is with his girlfriend and you are worried about him what does that tell you?
Ziva: He is my partner and my partner said he would be here, and......and I have this not so good feeling.
Season 5
Episode 5.01 "Bury Your Dead"
Ducky: He didn't have the plague. HE didn't have the plague!
Palmer: He didn't have the plague.
Ducky: He didn't have the **** plague!
McGee: You read my mind, boss.
Tony: It's an easy read.
Jeanne: I don't understand what's happening. Tony that was your car. Your car. Your car that just...it could have been you. It should of been you.
Tony: Tell me, tell me that you love me. Tell me.
Jeanne: I do, it's just everything that's happened.
Rene: (In the background on the phone) Ecoutez moi!
Jeanne: What happened today, last night, the way you handled things, the gun. The gun, firing it the way you did, and now this? It's like you're someone else Tony. Someone else. Someone I don't know. What is it? You are, aren't you. Aren't you? Someone else. Who? Who are you?
Tony: I'm a federal agent. My name isn't Tony DiNardo. It's Anthony DiNozzo, and I work for the Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Jeanne: This has all been a lie. A lie.
Tony: Jeanne, listen to me. Not all of it. Not everything. Just some things, not the important things.
Jeanne: Why? Just tell me why it is you do this. What it is I'm supposed to have done? Tell me. Tell me!
Tony: It's not you.
Jeanne: What? What?
Tony: You should ask him.
Tony: What? No balloons?
McGee:(answering Ziva's demand that he disclose what he is doing in the office at 7am on Saturday, which McGee doesn't want to answer...): But since my parents raised a gentleman and yours raised a killer, I will tell you that I was defragging my computer all night.
McGee: (after learning that Tony's cover was being a professor) No wonder his cover was blown. Whose bright idea was that?
Director Shepard: Mine.
McGee: (to Ziva at the bomb site) Do you believe in miracles?
Ziva: Not part of my training.
Kort: La Grenouille flew to DC this morning, he didn't arrive in his safe house, and his satellite phone has stopped transmitting.
Gibbs: Mislaid your arms dealer, that's gotta be embarrassing.
Ziva: Does the Director know?
Jenny: (walking in) Know what?
McGee: That it’s a Saturday and we are all here on our day off... because we... love our jobs!
Ziva: Teams do not have secrets Gibbs, and if you do not tell me what you and McGee were doing here all night- (Gibbs just looks at her) McGee knows he will... eventually.
(Elevator doors open, showing Tony smiling inside)
Tony: (To Kort, laughs) Hey! My car blew up this morning! Did you do that?
Abby: Gibbs, I know who blew up Tony's car... well, not Tony's car, but his alias, and not exactly who, but more like how and why.
McGee: Do you have a motive?
Abby: Me no! But they do.
Abby: Everybody else gave you up for dead, even Ziva.
Ziva: OK, so I may have acted a little hastily.
Tony: That's my letter opener.
Ziva: Excellent balance and weight. The edge is a little dull, but I've always admired it.
Tony: Where's my American Pie coffee mug?
Abby: Palmer.
Tony: Mighty Mouse stapler?
Abby: Ducky... Hey, Ducky.
(Ducky reaches over Tony's cubicle wall)
Ducky: My dear fellow, I never believed it for a moment. Welcome home.
(Ducky hands Tony the stapler)
Gibbs: It's not every day people think you're dead, DiNozzo.
Tony: [holding a letter] You ever lied to someone you love?
Ziva: [pauses] yes.
Tony: Did they ever forgive you?
Ziva: They never found out
(Tony headslaps McGee)
McGee: What was that for?
Tony: Believeing I was dead.
McGee: Hey, I never believed you were dead.Ziva's the one who gave up on you.
(Tony looks at her)
Ziva: Don't even think abou the headslap!
Gibbs: If the weapon was loaded and I wasn't here, would you have pulled the trigger?
Jenny: I guess we'll never know.
La Grenoullie: Love has a way of blinding us.....of our imperfections.
Tony: It's still love.
La Grenoullie: So, what has Jeanne told you about me?
Tony: Oh, everything.....world's greatest dad.
Abby: Tony is not dead, Gibbs.Not until Ducky says it's him.Until then, he's just...he's not here.I don't care what the evidence says, even if everything belongs to Tony, it's still not him until Ducky says it's him.And don't try to tell me anything different because I'm not gonna believe you.Tell me it's not him, Gibbs. (hugs Gibbs) Tell me it's not him.
Gibbs: I wish I could, Abs.
McGee: Tony wouldnt've carried it with him, ya know? His sheild and his id, not if he was undercover.I mean, he would've stashed it in the car.Maybe under the seat.Just because we found his id doesn't mean it's Tony.
Ziva: His car, his weapon, both of his cell phones, McGee?
McGee: Tony could have been following La Grenoullie.
Ducky: I'm sorry to differ, Timothy, but he wasn't.Look, Tony contracted pnuemonic plauge, as I'm sure everyone can remember.
Ziva: Before my time?
McGee: He almost died.
Ducky: From severe pnemonia.As a result his lungs would have been exstensivly scared, unlike the almost pristine lung of the man currently in autopsy.The body on which I am preforming an autopsy is not Tony's.
Jenny: If it's not Tony, then who is it?
Gibbs: And where is DiNozzo?
(Ducky and Palmer are prefroming the autopsy: A machine beeps)
Palmer: Blood tests are back.
Ducky: What type?
Palmer: A positive.
Ducky: And Tony's?
Palmer: A positive.
Ducky: Yes, well, thirty-four precent of the nation's population share the same blood group so let's not go drawing any conclussions.We'll await the dental records before makeing positive identification.In the mean time, the lungs.Pentrive shrapnal damage, middle and lower left lobes.Other wise healthy tissue, non smoker, minimal scaring. Palmer: Minimal scaring. Ducky: ......Minimal scaring?
Palmer: I got that, doctor.
Ducky: Yes, but Mr.Palmer, how could he?
Palmer: How could he what, sir?
Ducky: Have minimal scaring in both lungs.
Palmer: Healthy living?
Ducky: Yosina Pesties. Y-pesties.
Palmer: The pneumonic plague?
Ducky: Yes, the plague, Mr.Palmer.This man has never had the plague.He's never had the plague!
Palmer: (pointing to the body) He has never had the plague.
Ducky: He never had the plague!
Jenny: I buried my fahter, Jethro, I know he's nor comeing back.But Someone is going to great lengths trying to convince me he' alive. Gibbs: We've got a polygraph Monday.
Jenny: Your team?
Gibbs: They're targeting someone.
Jenny: Me?
Gibbs: So I've beem told.
Jenny: I've never failed a polygraph, I'm not about to start.
Gibbs: And if they ask you about your father?
Jenny: He's dead.
Gibbs: Any doubt, any hesitation, will raise a red flag.
Jenny: Theres no doubt.
Gibbs: I saw the fingerprints.
Jenny: My father's dead.
Gibbs: Subject displayed emotional instability suggesting delusional disbelief her father isn't dead.We just put her on medical leave or we fire her...........Operation Loadstone, you know it?
Jenny: Should I?
Gibbs: Black op.Focused on weapons control and arms perliferation.
Jenny: Not one of ours.
Gibbs: CIA.
Jenny: My father's job at the pentagon was in the feild of arms control.He was under investigation for accepting a bribe when he was killed.
Gibbs: Coroner said he killed himself.
Jenny: He was murdered.
Gibbs: Proof?
Jenny: None.......I know who's responsable.
Gibbs: The same guy you sent one of my agents after?
Jenny: One my of my agents! A deep undercover operation, that I ran on a need to know basis!
(Gibbs starts walking away)
Jenny: And, Jethro, if you think I'm obssesed with La Grenoullie becauswe of what happened to my father, you're wrong.
Gibbs: You might wanna skip that polygraph test Monday.
Abby: That's OK. It's not the first time I've woken up on the floor. Not just this floor. Um, not that I make it a habit of passing out on floors, and not that this is a really comfortable floor, if I had to... I'm awake now.
Abby: Director Shepard swore me to secrecy, when she brought those in and asked me to run them for prints, so I can't tell you. Gibbs: Any other secrets you can't tell me?
Abby: No. Just that one. Because, when Director Shepard said there wasn't an AFIS match, then tried to hide the results from me, she actually didn't swear me to secrecy, so that, is not a secret.
Ziva: Is everything cool with the director?
Tony: Beyond cool, almost icy.
Gibbs: How deep is this cover?
Jenny: Deep enough to withstand the scrutiny that La Grenoullie can bring to bear.
Gibbs: You better hope so.
(Jenny plays the video of the explosion)
Tony: That was more exciting live.
Jenny: You saw it? You were there?
Tony: Saw it, heard it, felt it.
Jenny: You can start whenever you're ready.
Tony: He was waiting when I left the hospital this morning with Jeanne, she had arranged it.It was her little surprise, I guess.Meet the parents.Part two.I hate sequals.Figured my cover was blown as soon as I saw him, turned out he had known for months.
Gibbs: Kort?
Tony: Probably.I tried talking my way out of it, made it as far as my car.
(Flashback) (Tony's getting in his car)
La Grenoullie: Hey, Tony!
Tony: (muttering) Crap.
La Grenoullie: There is no need to take your car.Henery will drive it.You come with Jeanne and me.
Tony: Oh, that's really nice of you, I, uh, gotta go, I really.....I need to go home anc change because---
La Grenoullie: I absolutly insist, Agent DiNozzo.
Tony: (handing his keys to Henrey) Careful in second, it tends to stick a little.
Henrey: And your cellphone.
(Tony hands him one)
La Grenoullie: Both of them. (End flashback)
Jenny: Did La Grenoullie tell Jeanne who you were?
Tony: He didn't miss a beat.Pretended everything was fine.That didn't last long.I could see his guy driving my car a few car lengths behind us when....Kaboom.
(Flashback) (Tony's car explodes)
La Grenoullie: Stay down! (to the driver) Hurry! Hurry! (End flashback)
Jenny: What was La Grenoullie's first reaction?
Tony: That he was the target.I'm not so sure.
Gibbs: You think it was you Tony?
Tony: Was my car, boss.And we certainly have ticked off the agency allot lately.Well, the director and I have ticked off the agency allot lately.Although mainly me.
Gibbs: For what it's worth, Kort denied Agency involvment.
Tony: Mmm, that's because Kort doesn't play by agency rules.Guy's got a hair trigger.
Jenny: Where did La Grenoullie take you?
Tony: Well, blew away the brekfast plans.Blew away allot of things.
Jenny: Jeanne?
Tony: Wasn't supposed to happen like this.
Jenny: You never really thought it couldn end any other way.
Tony: You mean other than badly?
Jenny: You're not supposed to fall in love with them.
Tony: Thank you so much for that, Director, I am gonna keep that in mind for next time! Oh, wait a second, there's not gonna be a next time!
Jenny: What did Jeanne say?
Tony: Nothing I'm gonna tell you
Jenny: Agent DiNozzo!
Tony: Nothing you need to know, Director!
(Gibbs looks at Tony proudly)
Episode 5.02 "Family"
Tony (looking at stripper with older women at 1957 class reunion): It's like Cocoon meets Dirty Dancing. I wonder if Ducky has dreams like this. I guess Gibbs isn't too far behind. (no-one responds..Tony freezes) He's standing right behind me, isn't he? Sorry about that Boss.
Gibbs (whispering in Tony's ear): Gonna be your dreams, one day, too, DiNozzo.
McGee: It's hard to concentrate while Tony is calling Heidi's former victims. He's very sensitive to the word liar these days.
McGee: (To Abby who is guzzling Caf-Pow) Thought you quit
Abby: McGee, there is a baby missing that might need medical attention. I need to be at the top of my game.
McGee: Well you're going to spend most of your game in the bathroom.
Abby: I already thought of that. I'm upping my salt intake to increase my body's water retention (Abby munches salted snacks from overlarge bag)
McGee: Of course you are...
Abby: So what do you have for Gibbs?
McGee: Nothing. (sighs) Why is he on his way down here?
Gibbs: No. He's here.
Abby: And he's talking about himself in the third person. I like it.
Gibbs: Ducky says you have something
Abby: Dont'cha wanna see what McGee has first?
Gibbs: I came to see you
Abby: Abby was able to recover amniotic fluid from the dead woman's clothing
Gibbs: You got the baby's DNA (they discuss the possible father)
Abby: Abby already ruled him out, not the same blood type
Gibbs: Good work, Abby! (they both look at McGee, who looks pained)
McGee: McGee is going through (describes his work and results) (Gibbs and McGee leave.)
Abby: (Abby empties a Caf-pow container, pauses and declares): Abby has to pee.
(Tony comes in all wet)
Gibbs: Went swimming, DiNozzo?
Tony: sprinkler system.
Tony (in the background, on phone to a victim of Heidi, the dead woman): ....Come on that's not what I'm saying...
McGee to Gibbs (sotto voice): Boss, since we've got a pretty strong lead here, can Tony stop phoning Heidi's other marks looking for suspects?
Tony (in background) I'm just really saying that just because she was lying to you, doesn't mean that she didn't really love you. (winces as person slams down phone at other end.) ...hello? (Slams down his phone. Sighs. Starts phoning next one. Looks up to see McGee, Gibbs and Ziva watching him) What?!
Gibbs to McGee: Let him call a few more.
(Ziva is wondering why the parents would kill to get the baby back, they would have other options.)
Gibbs: I'm not a lawyer
Ziva: But you were a parent
Gibbs: (pauses) You wanna have children, Ziva?
Ziva (splutters, guppy-style) Well..
Gibbs: Its a simple question
Ziva: I do not have a simple answer
Gibbs: Once you have kids, you'll understand.
Tony to McGee (who is geek speaking): Pretend you're talking to a person who actually has sex with other humans.
McGee: What was it like?
Tony: Sex? Losing your virginity? It was good.
McGee: Pretending to be someone else?
Tony: I wouldn't know, Elf Lord.
(McGee speaks more geek speak.)
Gibbs (exasperated): I'm beginning to think you can't help yourself, McGee.
Ziva follows Tony into the men's loo.
Tony to Ziva: If this is a pep talk, I give you a D minus.
Tony: These are called feelings, Ziva
Ziva: Feelings you need to let go
Tony: That easy huh?
Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time? To leave your entire life behind for her? You didn't think this through.
Tony: Didn't you tell me that the heart wants what it wants?
Ziva: No, actually I didn't.
Tony: Well it does
Ziva: Well it shouldn't.
Tony: Really? This coming from the woman who fell in love with the dead man walking? (Ziva gives him the evil eye and yanks up his fly, hard)
Ziva: You crossed the line, Tony. (she stalks out of the men's room)
Tony: (incredulous) Oh!? I crossed the line?
Tony: Okay, I'm on my way.
Gibbs: You got something DiNozzo?
Tony: Yeah, dentist appointment. No....ha....this is for real, guys, I....remember I chipped my tooth and I got that, uh...I sent you an email, for a leave request like two days ago about this. You don't check your email. Never mind. (Tony answers his phone) Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, boy who cried wolf and who must now suffer from periodontal disease from it. How may I help you?
Ziva: Gibbs does not accept apologies. But I do.
Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva, I know you were trying to help.
Ziva: Did I?
Tony: Um, I'll get back to you.
Ziva: Tony, even if by some miracle Jeanne did forgive you, would you be willing to be Tony DiNardo full-time; to leave your entire life for her?
Abby: The prints were made by a residue of polysaccharide dust derived from beta-glucose.What makes it interesting, is the backbone D-xylophranose, linked with eith xylose units......panda poop.
Gibbs: Panda.....?
Abby: Poop.Which is why it fluoresces, like all other poop does.What makes it really, really interesting....is the sodium hydrochloride: a.k.a Chlorine bleach...........I lost you at 'poop', huh?
Gibbs: Uh, huh.
Abby: So, what do you have for Gibbs?
McGee: Nothing, why? Is he on his way down here?
Gibbs (walking in): Nope, he's here.
Abby: And he's talking about himself in the third person.I like it!
Nicholas: Am I in trouble?
Gibbs: Prosecution's gonna call it attempted murder.Your lawyer's gonna call it self defense.
Nicholas: What do you call it?
Gibbs: Family.
McGee: (holds up keyboard with his finger's superglued fast) Boss, Tony....
Gibbs: I know. (hands McGee polish remover) Are you ever gonna learn, McGee?
Ziva: It was a simple question, McGee.
McGee: Yeah, one I would expect from Tony, not you.
Ziva: I'm just being curious.
McGee: About when I lost my virginity.
Ziva: No, you misunderstood.I'm not asking when you lost your virginity, but if you lost it.
Tony: Didn't you tell me the heart wants what the heart wants?
Ziva: No.Actually I didn't.
Tony: Well, it does.
Ziva: Well, it shouldn't.
(team walks into the lab and Abby is doing jumping jacks)
Abby: Hi, Gibbs!
McGee: Abby, I think you gotta lay of the caffeine again.
Abby: Well, maybe I need a little more, McGee! Ever think of that? Baby missing!
McGee: Alright I think I know what happened here.
Tony: Twenty bucks says McGee's about to say something nobody can understand again!
McGee: The GPS corfinates came bundled in a proprietary packet.Since it was a beta, I thought......
Gibbs: I'm starting to think you can't help yourself, McGee.
Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Tony: Hey, she followed me in there!
Ziva: Only because you woulnd't talk to me!
(Gibbs stares at him)
Tony: Shutting up, boss.
Tony: You know I saw this on Cinemax once.
Ziva: So what happens now?
Tony: They play some funky music and then you say, "I''ve been watching you from afar".
Ziva: Well, I have been watching you from afar, Tony.Which is why I know how much you care for Jeanne.
Tony: Ahhhh, your timing is impeccable, Ziva.
Ziva: And how much it hurt when she left..........So, what happens now?
Episode 5.03 "Ex. File"
Tony: Uh oh...train wreck. I want to look away but I can't.
(McGee, having found the vital evidence in the nick of time, watches Abby punch the honey-tongued villain on the nose.)
McGee: Sweet.
Tony: (Looking at Stephanie and Mann) Who's cuter? Ex-wife number 3 or future ex-wife number 4?
Abby: These things hold over 145GB of music. That's over 45 000 songs, Gibbs.
Gibbs: I only listen to 5.
Abby: 5000?
Gibbs: No five.
Abby: Oh Gibbs really need to broaden your horizons. I can download some of my songs like Flesh Eating Foundation, Suicide Commando, and Green Satan.
Gibbs (after receiving a phone call): Dead marine
Abby: Never heard of it
Rinnert: If I weren't so irrationally confident, I'd be afraid of you.
Abby: Oh please.
Abby: Gibbs, can I hit him?
Gibbs: No.
Ducky: To whom do I report?
Gibbs: Her.
Mann: Me.
Tony: Better get used to that. (Mann gives him a look.) Spear guns. Very cool. Thunderball. Very James Bond... Boss. Ma'am. Colonel.
Mann: We have a little issue.
Jenny: We?
Mann: You wanna tell her, Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: No, not particularly.
Jenny: Is this issue going to involve lawyers?
Mann: It already did. It's his ex-wife. She's a material witness.
Jenny: And which ex would that be?
Gibbs: Stephanie.
Jenny: What number is she again? Second?
Gibbs: Third.
Jenny: Oh, right. You lived in Europe with her for a while. Frankfurt.
Gibbs: Moscow.
Jenny: Two years?
Gibbs: One.
Jenny: Well, it's hard to live in Moscow... with anyone.
Jenny: Do you think he should divorce himself from this case, Col. Mann?
Mann: No, no no...
Jenny: Nor do I, I don't see a problem if you conduct the interview. Do you have a problem with Col. Mann interviewing your ex-wife, Agent Gibbs?
Gibbs: Do I have a choice?
Jenny and Mann (Together): No.
Mann: Tony, review the witnesses statements.
Tony: Yes, Boss. Ma'am. (salutes) Colonel.
Abby: I work like 16 hour days.
Rinnert: Wow! That's like... two eight hour days stuck together!
Mann: Bring her in for another interview. (Tony and Ziva start to leave)
Gibbs: Wait. (they stop)
Mann: I said bring her in!
Gibbs: And I said wait!
Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.
Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.
Ziva: What?
Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.
Ziva: Could last a lifetime.
Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...
Ziva: A whom?
Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.
Ziva: A what, then?
Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...
Ziva: I'm still just a what?
Rinnert: A girl. [they both stop and look at him]
Mann: How long have we been together?
Gibbs:.....Weeks.
Mann: Months!
Gibbs:....Which means many weeks.
Ducky: Only the dead know the true meaning of patience, Timothy....No more places to go, people to see.....except me of course.
Jenny: Colonel, I was just re-assuring Gibbs'.....your witness that Agent Gibbs could separate himself from the personal aspects of this investigation.
Mann: Well, I'll monitor him, closely, director.
Jenny: I'm sure you will.
(Gibbs gives them all a look)
Stehpanie: Is that the look you were talking about?
Jenny: Yeah, that's it.
Mann: Hmm, yeah, we've all seen that.
Gibbs: Stephanie Broadman Flynn?
Sweigart: Yeah.
Mann: You know her?
Gibbs: Un-huh.I was married to her.
Mann: Dr.Mallard.You got anything?
Ducky: You do realise I arrived about a minute ago.The dead speak to me, Colonel but give the man time to catch his breath, so to speak.
Ducky: You know, a man's heart often tells us how he lived.Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died.But contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.
Episode 5.04 "Identity Crisis"
Abby: Of course, mercury is toxic. So you shouldn't let kids break open thermometers and play with it.
Gibbs: Speaking from personal experience, Abs?
McGee: Actually explains a lot.
Tony: Looks like a nice place doesn't it honey?
McGee: (through the ear piece) Sure does sweet cheeks!
Krieger: Ziva, can I ask you a question? (Ziva turns) Isn't it hard being the only woman on the team?
Ziva: No. (starts to walk away)
Krieger: God I wish I had your confidence!
Ziva: (turns back) Well, it comes from experience.
Krieger: The way I'm going that's something I'll never get.
Ziva: Look Courtney, they obviously saw something valuable in you, otherwise you would not have made it this far.
Krieger: Thank you
Ziva: But, stop trying to be perfect! You will mess up and occasionally you will take a beating.
Krieger: Then what?
Ziva: You get back on the horse!
Abby: This, is why I love you guys. You bring me hair, you bring me blood, you bring me fluids, and you bring me mercury! Predictable, yet constantly surprising!
Gibbs: We try.
Gibbs: Check out the brunette at the table.
Tony: Good find boss! I'll tell you, my radar is totally shot. She's smoking! ..that's not what you meant.. you were suggesting that she seems interested in our investigation. A little too interested and I should question her... not a problem!
Ducky: I hope your opinion of me doesn't waver after I've given this fellow a piece of my mind.
Gibbs: Never!
Ducky: I warn you... this might get ugly!
(The team watches the FBI on the screen in MTAC)
Tony: An NCIS production. Brought to you by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Starring as usual the FBI and the elusive Kamal Konkani.
McGee: Ziva, no hair pulling.
McGee: Tony I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Ziva: Are you getting a pony?
Tony: It's an adage.
Ziva: I'm not familiar with that breed.
Tony: (slight pause) Yeah, well they are quite rare, it's sort of a cross between a Pegasus and a unicorn.
Tony: Tell me you aren't looking for a man for Ziva.
Ziva: Not for me.
Tony: Something you want to tell me, McGoo?
Fornell:The world's on my shoulders,Gibbs.
Gibbs:World made of paper.
Tony: Do people really like boats that much?
Gibbs: You work for the Navy, DiNozzo.
Tony: Eraser!
McGee: What movie is that from?
Tony: (gives him a look) I don't know ... Flashdance.
Ziva: Did you get her number? Tony: Who courtney? No. Ziva: I did, she wants to learn how to fight.
(Gibbs and Tony stare at her)
(the team all stands up)
Gibbs: Sit! (the sit down) Stay! (walks off, smirking) Roll over.
Ziva: It is very clear what you would like to have against her.
Tony: Excuse me.
Ziva: You want to sleep with her.
Tony: I... well, so what if I do?
Ziva: Same old Tony. I thought the new Tony wanted something more.. a real relationship.
Tony: I was pretending to be someone else!
Ziva: Well, you could've fooled me. I thought you had grown.
Tony: I'm not particularly interested in outgrowing sex.
Ziva: Sure it would be nice Tony, but it would be meaningless, empty; it would be wrong for you! She's a pretty girl, but she's just a girl! The man you were becoming needs a woman! Or at least I thought he did.
(she leaves and Tony stares after her)
Fornell: (to Tony as he's walking by) Can you believe that?! An email!
Episode 5.05 "Leap of Faith"
Tony (after McGee rescues him from falling off a building): I love you, McGee. I promise never to give you a hard time again.
McGee: Yeah..right
(Abby walks into the deserted squad room with evidence. She sits down at Gibbs desk and puts on his glasses)
Abby (pretending to be an angry Gibbs): I heard that DiNozzo, another wise butt comment like that and I'll smack you so hard your grandchildren will feel it. Think it's funny McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. That goes for you too, David. (picks up Gibbs phone) Special Agent Gibbs! (Abby takes off glasses as she realizes Gibbs is behind her) You're standing behind me aren't you?
Gibbs: Yep. (Abby puts the phone down) You feeling secure about your job, are you Abs?
Abby: Umm, not so much anymore.
Interpol officer (about villain) She's a gifted linguist. Educated in England, was secretly trained in weapons, martial arts and covert operations.
Tony: Ziva, she's you!
Gibbs: He was married to the mole.
Tony: Probie! This is not how I want it to end!
Abby: I can't believe you would say that to me Gibbs? How could you think that I would be leaving? Because I got a little mad? So what?! We're family, that's allowed. I get three or four job offers every year. I have never considered any of them."
Tony: Then why did you have dinner with that headhunter?
Abby: Have you ever had the Beluga Caviar at the Ritz Carlton?
Nikki: Oh God yeah...
Abby: Besides, it was nice to feel wanted.
Ducky: I'm fast, but I'm not that fast.
Gibbs: (whistles sharply) Break up the dog pile. This is a murder investigation.
McGee: Oh that's a long way up.
Tony: It's a long way down.
(After Abby yells at the team, they are in the elevator, and Abby shouts after them)
Abby: DiNozzo get back in here!
Tony: Anybody wanna come with me?
(McGee pushes him forward)
McGee: You've never been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. You?
McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.
Tony: For your agrophobia?
McGee: You're blowing that all outta proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights earlier today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories, being a little disoriented, it's a little understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? You had your panties in a twist, tears in your eyes. Oh wait, I couldn't see your eyes, cause they were shut so tight. You were hysterical like a little girl.
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were hugging the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I've got the photographic evidence.
(Tony pulls out his phone, on which he had recorded McGee from earlier)
Tony: Let technology show you the truth.
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: Oh. Oh is that what you're doing? Let's let the people decide.
McGee: You're not gonna post that on YouTube.
Tony: Might.
McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna...
(The two of them scuffle, as McGee tries to get the phone from Tony)
Therapist: Hey, hey, hey.You two have deeer issues then we discussed on the phone.
Tony: On the phone?
Therapist: Aren't you the couple who called about marrige counseling?
McGee: Couple? Us? No, no, we.....
Tony: It's all right.Timmy, Timmy ---- we're in a safe place.We can be ourselves here.
(McGee pushes himself away form Tony)
Tony: We just got back from Vermont.It's pretty this time of year.
McGee: (pulls out badge) NCIS.Special Agents McGee and DiNozzo.
Tony: Very special agents.
Tony: Color back, now that you're on terra firma there, Probalicious?
McGee: I would'a done it!
Tony: Only, ah, you didn't.
Ziva (talking about Tony): I think he's more afraid of heights then you are.
Tony: Please, I rock climbed!
Ziva (Laughing): Yeah, twenty feet, with a harness, to impress a girl.
Tony: Well, it worked.
Jardine: Abby, please.All I'm asking id for you to take another look at the hard drive on Arnett's computer.
Abby: It's wiped clean.
Jardine: Well, maybe you can find an embeded file.Anything.
Abby: I can't, okay? I am too busy.Why don't you ask McGee to do it? Because Mr.MIT claims he's better at this stuff anyway.
(Jardine pauses a moment and then starts taking a bunch of rubber gloves.Abby looks at her)
Jardine: May I take a couple of these.
Abby: Sure.Knock yourself out.
McGee: (entering) Abs....
Jardine: McGee, I need your help.
McGee: (to Abby) I got Dr.Flemming's fingerprints on this water bottle and I need you to compare it to the prints we lifted from Arnett's apartment.
Abby: Take a number, McGee, because Tony has me running DNA of this toothbrush with an entire data of felons.
McGee: It'll only take a minute.
Jardine: I asked first.
Tony: (entering) No, I did.I've got senior----
(Abby whistles loudly)
Abby: Back off all of you! I am one person!
Gibbs: (entering) Woah, easy, Abs.
Abby: No.It's late, I am tired, I am overworked, and I am taken for granted.
Gibbs: Maybe you should accpet that job offer.
(Abby looks at him incredously and then reachs over and headslaps Tony)
Tony: Oh!
Abby: I can't believe you'd say that to me, Gibbs.How could you think that I'd be leaving.'Cause I got a little mad? We're family.That's allowed.I get three or four job offers every year and I've never considered any of 'em.
Tony: Then why'd you have dinner with that head hunter?
Abby: Have you ever had the Beluga Caviar at the Ritz Carlton?
Jardine: Oh, yes.
Abby: And besideds, it was nice to feel wanted.Now get out of here all of you, I have work to do.
(as their leaving Gibbs headslaps Tony)
Tony: Oh! What was that for?
Gibbs: Spreading rumors.
Tony: Thank you, boss.
(they get in the elevator)
Abby: DiNozzo! Get back in here!
Tony: Anyone wanna come with me?
(McGee shoves him out of the elevator)
Episode 5.06 "Chimera"
Ziva: Don't you have any paperwork to do, Dinozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper and make it work.
Jenny: Great. Show it to me.
Commander: How exactly do you propose I do that?
Jenny: There must be a plane or two you could scramble over head.
Commander: I think you’re going to have to trust me, Director.
Jenny: I don’t know you well enough, commander.
Commander: We can fix that.
Jenny: You can cut the charm. (sits up in chair) Higher ranking, richer, and definitely better-looking men have tried that on me and didn’t get very far. Now I can't speak for you, Commander, but I didn’t get where I am because of my looks. So get your eyes off me and put some on that ship!
Tony: Definitely didn't picture my demise like this! I always figured I'd go out like in white heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and in Butch Cassidy- hail of bullets!
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in the Gold Rush.
Tony: How did he die?
Gibbs: Silently
McGee: I'm dealing with my boat-phobia, Tony's dealing with his rat-phobia, and Ziva's dealing with her ghost-phobia.
Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?
Gibbs: Them.
McGee: (to Abby) Can I take a braincheck?
Tony: I'm gonna die
Commander: Satisfied, Director?
Jenny: I’m not that easy, Commander
Commander: I’m not surprised. (They are watching ship approach the Chimera in MTAC)
Jenny: Can we get any closer?
Commander: I am sure we can. (Walks towards Jenny and she rolls her eyes in disgust)
Tony: (about dead rat) Stinky Stinky. Yes, Alex, Horror Films that take place on ships for 200. (lights go out) Oh goodie. Double Jeopardy.
Tony: Oh goody, double jeopardy.
McGee: Oh jeez.
Ducky: Oh dear.
Jenny: Oh crap.
McGee: Abby. Abby. Abby!
Abby: McGee, you shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.
McGee: What the hell is that noise?
Abby: Brain Matter.
McGee: I love them.
Tony: (singing) Baa Baa black ship have you any wool? Yes sir. Yes sir, but in order to see it you're going to need top secret government clearance.
McGee: Every room is empty.
Ziva: It's like the entire crew disappeared.
Tony: Welcome aboard the U.S. N.S. Houdini.
(team hears a noise above them.)
McGee: Could be a rat.
Ziva: Would have to be an awfully big one.
Tony: Or a ghost.
Gibbs: Are you done?
Tony: Done... searching the ship? We could always search it again.
Abby: Of course, blood that's passed through so much GI tract has very a particular smell. (Tony takes a big whiff) But since this guy may have died from a highly contagious virus, whatever you do, don't inhale it.
Tony: We're not good.
Gibbs: Hey, you okay, DiNozzo?
Tony: Not for long.
Tony: Abby, where's the gas chromata-thinga?
Abby: It's the box looking thing, with the circular door-like thing on the front.
Ducky: You were right, Ziva. There is someone on board.
Ziva: Not him. There's someone alive. I can feel it.
Tony: A lion-headed dragon goat?
Ziva: Maybe.
Ziva: How did they know that we were off the ship?
Gibbs: I don't think they did.
Tony: Steady probie.
McGee: Tell that to my stomach.
(Tony bends down to height of McGee's stomach)
Tony: Steady probie's stomach.
Tony: Well, this moment's perfect, all we need now is a storm (Ship suddenly lurches).
McGee: So, pirates that weren't really pirates, were actually Russian sailors, were on a covert mission to steal a Navy research ship that wasn't a actually a Navy research ship in order to get back nuclear weapons that we thought they didn't think we had retreived? Gibbs: (smiling) Uh, huh.
McGee: Okay.
Tony: Feel my head.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Just feel it.
McGee: I don't to, it's all sweaty.
Tony: Exactly.I've got the fever.I'm burning up, man.
McGee:The ventilation is off, Tony.We're all burning up.
Tony: This is different.I'm dying McGee.
McGee: You know, the last time you were dying of a horrible disease, you were a little but more stoic about the whole thing.
Tony: I was younger then.Carefree.
McGee: It was two years ago.
Tony: The last time I almost died, someone blew-up my car.So, I've almost died twice now, and this is the thrid time, and bad things happen in three's, and I'm out of all-mosts.
(McGee looks at him)
Tony: I'm telling you man, this time I'm dying.I know it.
McGee: Okay.But, until you are actually dead can you please help me fix this thing?
Tony: Yeah.
Ziva: Someone or something is on the ship, with us. I can feel it.
McGee: (peering over DiNozzo's shoulder) Uh, yeah, I can see it.
(Tony turns and sees a large rat.He jumps back in fright)
McGee: (smiling) Scared much, DiNozzo?
Tony: Stuff it in McBarfbag.
Ziva: It's just a cute, little rat. Why the irrational fear?
Tony: It's not cute. It's not little. And it's not irrational.
Ziva: Cowardly, then.
Tony: Not if you're, uh, someone who survived a bout of pneumonic plague. Thank you very much. Rats are a known carrier. I used to love rats, back before the plague. Was a regular 'Willard.'
Ziva: What is a 'Willard?'
McGee: It's a movie.
Ziva: Mmm.
Tony: Willard had a pet rat named Ben, was a social misfit, made fun of by his coworkers, had a creepy boss. Ziva: No wonder you're related.
Tony: You think Gibbs is creepy?
McGee: She meant the social misfit, made fun of part.
Gibbs: [to the Director] We're still running tests. Don't know right now.
[Ducky Enters]
Ducky: Yes we do. My initial diagnosis of asphixia was incorrect, I'm afraid. It looks as if Takada died from viral hemorrhagic fever to which, by now, we have all been exposed.
Gibbs: We can't leave the ship?
Ducky: That's not a problem, Jethro. If my diagnosis is correct, we'll all be dead by morning.
Tony: So you think they named this ship the Chimera because there's a monster on board?
Ziva: They did not name it the Puppy!
Tony: Just the cook? Yeah, that's what Steven Seagal said in Under Siege, and look at the havoc he wreaked, huh? What about the Hunt for Red October? The saboteur was the cook. (Gibbs looks at him) I'm sorry, boss.I'm just saying that, you know, just becuase he says he's the cook, doesn't mean he's isn't potentially guilty.He could have slipped poison into Takada's food.
Ziva: So this is the highyl sophisticated top secret ship?
Tony: Looks more like an old tramp steamer.I suppose they were trying to look inconspicous, hoping ot be left alone.
McGee: Can it get any more alone than this?
Tony: Oh, I get it, boss.It's a black ship.
Ziva: Black sheep.
Tony: No.They don't exist.
Ziva: Oh, I've seen black sheep.
Tony: No.I said black ship not sheep.Clearly the U.S. Navy is still intent on pulling the wool over the eyes of the American people.
Tony: You ever see Run Silent, Run Deep?
Gibbs: The run silent part sounds good.
Ducky: Where's my blood analysis, DiNozzo?
Tony: I'm working on it, Ducky.It may be the last thing I do.
Ducky: Let's hope not.
McGee: And, ah, I...I've got....
Abby: (shows McGee her spikedwrist band) Some people wear these spikey things just for show.I don't.
McGee: I've got nothing better to do than, than to see....
Gibbs: A dead body, McGee?
McGee: You read my mind, boss.
Tony: It's a quick read.
Episode 5.07 "Requiem"
Tony: (looking at Gibbs' unconscious form) Oh God, don't make me kiss you boss!
Tony: Calling Gibbs?
Ziva: He did not pick up.
Tony: Worried about him?
Ziva: Are you?
Tony: You be worried about him. I'll be tentatively troubled, privately perturbed, fleetingly flustered.
Ziva: Have you called him?
Tony: I would have to be deeply discombobulated to even think of calling him.
Tony: This is ground control to Major McThom. This is ground control to Major Thom. Is anybody out there?
McGee: What?
Tony: Oh. I was just checking. You've been staring into space for the last hour. Even on the McGeekle scale that is cause for concern.
Tony: Okay. McTim you win. What are we looking at?
McGee: What do you see?
Tony: It's an iceberg and we're headed right for it!
McGee: More like the 4 million dollar tip of an 8 billion dollar iceberg.
Tony: Soldier of fortune is about to become a soldier of misfortune.
Ziva: The dogs of war are about to taste the hair of the dogs.
Abby: Okay. I need all of you to get out of my lab. Let me do my thing. I have all of these samples to test, and Major mass spec is going to blow up in protest if I don't blow up first. (Silence and then Abby looks around autopsy) Sorry. This isn't my lab. I'm going to go.
McGee (to Gibbs): Boss, there's a young lady here to see you. I sent her to the lounge.
Gibbs: About?
McGee: 22...23 (Gibbs gives McGee a questioning look) I mean it's personal, she wouldn't say.
McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.
Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.
Ziva: Your kind of book.
Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?
McGee: Think she's suggesting that you only look at the pictures Tony.
Tony: Well, a picture paints a thousand words McGee.
Ziva: And in your case most are the names of female body parts.
Tony: I'll have you know that since 1981 I have been a loyal subscriber to National Geographic Magazine. Some serious picture-gazing right there.
McGee: So how'd she know?
Ziva: Women's intuition.
Tony: Do you have that? (Death glare from Ziva) Forget I asked that question.
Ziva: The director could see that Gibbs was pre-occupied with something, and she saw him with the girl.
McGee: Sounds more like male logic than women's intuition.
Tony: Either way I think she's worried about him.
McGee: Question is should we be?
Jenny: You're right. He's holding something back. Then again, he's not the only one is he. You said you knew her.
Gibbs: Family friend.
Jenny: When?
Gibbs: Long time ago.
Jenny: How long? Five years? Ten years?
Gibbs: 15. Are we done here?
Mailman: Got a registered letter for Rudi Haas.
Gibbs: I'll sign for that.
Mailman:Uh-uh. I need to see some ID.
(Gibbs pulls back his coat showing his guna)
Mailman: I don't want to know.
(hands the package to Gibbs)
Jenny: (after Gibbs leaves) Tony?
Tony: Director.
Jenny: Any idea where he went?
Tony: No.
Jenny: Hazard a guess?
Tony: Well he took his badge, and his gun. Maybe he's going to shoot someone.
McGee: (goes to Gibbs desk) Oh boy! (holds up Gibbs' badge)
Kelly: Go back, daddy......It's okay, go back.We love you, daddy.
Episode 5.08 "Designated Target"
Ziva: Do you see what I see?
Tony: A crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues?
Ziva: No.
Ziva: You are xenophobic
Tony: I am not Xena-phobic -- it's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword fighting, female empowerment. Maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.
Gibbs: Does anyone have any answers?
Tony: Ziva?
Ziva: No!
Tony: Ziva doesn't have any answers, boss!
McGee: I'll see you later, Bumby
Tony: Bumby?!
McGee: Well, we can't all be called "probie," can we?
Tony: McGee! I hit the space bar.
McGee: Just push the buttons I tell you to push, monkey
Tony: Love is not treating you well, my friend
Abby: Abbycadabra.
Abby: (To McGee regarding his new crazy girlfriend) "Love is never having to read her her Miranda rights."
Tony: "I recognize that look. You've had sex and I'm guessing it was with a girl."
Gibbs: Duck?
Ducky: Well, this was no traffic accident.
Gibbs: No kidding.
Abby: Would I have you down here to watch me fail?
Tony: If the Probie was probing last night, I demand details.
Tony: I recognize that look. You've had sex and I'm guessing it was with a girl.
McGee: No
Tony: It wasn't with a girl?
Abby: Love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's going to do this to someone else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you McGee, that should be enough.
Tony: (after being headslapped by Gibbs) You know, repeated head trauma can cause brain damage.
McGee: That explains a lot!
Gibbs: (examining McGee's collar) Lipstick on your collar, McGee?
McGee: Ummm.... I.... ummmm...
Gibbs: Good for you. (pause) Good for you..... Tim. Just don't get married.
Tony: Oh look at him. Probie's all grown up having his first fight.
Abby: McGee...
McGee: Yeah?
Abby: Do you know it's 365 steps from my lab to your desk? (she sighs) I'm trying to get my blood pumping... what's wrong with you?
Tony: (pointing to his head) Is this side of my head bigger?
Ziva: Yes, but so is the other side.
McGee: Abby, what do I do? It's like I'm nuts for this girl you know, and she's just... nuts.
Abby: She stole your heart, but she stole your money. Arrest her.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again I will kill you.
Tony: This guy is a regular cab coyote.
Ziva: Is that like a wolf in sheep's clothing?
McGee: A coyote is a person that exploits people who come to this country illegally.
Tony (to Ziva): As opposed to outsourcing, which you are.
Gibbs: Something wrong McGee?
McGee: Computer glitch.
Gibbs (Hits McGee's monitor): Better?
McGee: Much.
Abby: (about de-caf) I sleep at night! I actually eat food! It is so weird.You gotta try it!
Gibbs: DiNozzo, check out the cab company.
Tony: Go to, boss. (Gibbs stares) Go to, it's the new on it.New catch phrase, just came up with it.You like it?
Gibbs: No.Cab company.
Tony: On it, boss.
Gibbs: (to Ziva) Go too!
Ziva: (on the phone) No, no, no, it's not you, it's just.....Well, you know, these things run their course, and well, ah, you, you must accpet.....
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: (covering the phone) Yes! Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh, how do you tell someone you no longer wish to see them?
Tony: Easy. (grabs the phone) Listen dirt bag, this is Ziva's husband.I have your number now, I can find your address.If you ever try to contact her again I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! (hangs up, gives it to Ziva) Your welcome.
Ziva: That was Aunt Neddi, from Tel Aviv.She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six year old, majongg partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you!
Episode 5.09 "Lost & Found"
Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.
Tony: We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.
(playing Pictionary on a whiteboard)
Carson: A mansion.
Palmer: (nods and draws a girl)
Carson: OK... I got it... I got it... The Playboy Mansion!
Palmer: A... A... Playboy...it's a school, Carson...are you sure you don't know Tony DiNozzo?
Jenny: Once upon a time I would have asked you to stay and I wouldn't have taken no for an answer.
Gibbs: No.
Jenny: What happened, Jethro?
Gibbs: You made a choice.
Jenny: I had to do what was right for me. Still do.
(Gibbs opens the door and walks out into the night.)
Tony: This is going to suck.
Ziva: Stop complaining.
Tony: Sorry. No sleep tends to do that to me.
Ziva: I drove Tony. You could have slept all night if you wanted.
Tony: I tried but the orchestra of blaring car horns kept me awake.
Ziva: We made good time.
Tony: Going ninety-five miles an hour on a dirt road; I couldn't even see.
Ziva: Then it's a good thing I was driving.
(Both make a grab for a map)
Ziva: I'm a trianed navigator, Tony.
Tony: Yeah well, I got an 'A' in geography.Plus I'm senior field agent, I'm pulling rank.
Ziva: I'm also a trianed assaian.
Tony: We'll shoot for it.
Ziva: Best two out of three.
(proceed to play rock, paper, scissors.Tony wins)
Tony: I'll take that! Alight, topographic, speaks my laungage.Follow me, I got it. (starts walking away)
Ziva: Tony!
Tony: What?!
Ziva: The trail is this way. ( points to a sign that reads 'trail)
Tony: (Sees McGee in his Youth Ranger uniform) Seriously Probie, I don't make enough fun of you?
Ziva: I'm driving.
Tony: I'm dead.
Gibbs: Jazz?
Jenny: His favourite.
Gibbs: Ziva was right. DiNozzo.
Ziva: Tony! This is no time for sight seeing.
Tony: The only sight I'm seeing is your big... (Ziva glares at him) bag.
Abby: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is McGee?
McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?
Jenny: Jethro this is a case report, not a custody transfer.
Gibbs: Must have grabbed the wrong folder.
Jenny: Go figure.
McGee: In the last 4 years we’ve made over 200 arrests thanks to AFIS finger print matches..
Abby: We? Ha.
McGee: It’s a team effort.
Tony: Where is the kid?
McGee: Abby’s got him.
Ziva: Our Abby?
Tony: Alone with a minor?
Abby: In the land of forensic science technology the mass spectrometer is king.
McGee: Did you ever share your personal computer with someone?
Abby: No McGee, that's worse than sharing your toothbrush.
Abby (annoyed with cold case evidence and McGee ending her sentences): Why do I feel like we've had this conversation before?
McGee: Because we have, just about every time you get assigned a cold case.
Abby: I am not the only one that complains around here McGee. You should see yourself when your filtering through a perp's computer.
Abby: You've seen everything.
Carson: Not everything.
Abby: Forget about the tattoos. Okay? It is not happening.
Carson: Come on, not even a little peek?
McGee: Oh, 1500 points.
Abby: New high score. DiNozzo's reign is over.
Ziva: The dead wife's mother sued him for full custody of Carson, and won.
McGee: Explains why he took Carson and ran.
Tony: Someone just earned their detective badge.
Ziva: DC Metro's cold case files, are already en route
Tony: En route?
Ziva: Offered to hand deliver
Tony: And you agreed?! That's one of the oldest tricks in the book, the hand delivery, Ziva. It's Metro's way of making sure they stay involved in the case
Ziva: You think?
Tony: Why else would they personally deliver the files?
Collins: To see your pretty face, DiNozzo!
Abby:(while sirens are blaring) You can turn off the siren now!
Carson: What?
Abby: You can turn off the siren now!
Carson: What did you say?
Abby: You can turn off the (sirens turn off) **** siren!!!
(Silence as Ziva and Tony look at her and Carson laughs quietly)
Abby: You think that's funny?
Carson: Yeah.
Tony: When did you realise Taylor was gone?
Camper 1: Uh, this morning.
Camper 2: We've been out here alone ever since.
Tony: Heartbreaking. (to a camper who is rubbing sticks together, trying to start a fire) Will you stop that?! (he starts the fire with his lighter) Did you see which way he went?
Camper 2: I heard a noise, middle of the night, behind us.
Tony: Noise?
Camper 1: Yeah, like, uh, like running.
Camper 2: I took a look to check it out; it was just a deer.
Tony: A deer?
Camper 1: Yeah, a big one.
Camper 2: Big, big deer.
(Tony gets up and walks over to Ziva)
Ziva: (on the phone) Whatever you think is best, Director. (hangs up)
Tony: The city slicker's saw something. (then in a fake excitec voice) A deer! It was a big one!
Episode 5.10 "Corporal Punishment"
Tony: (purring over to mcgees desk)you know what hapend to the kitty cat who got to curious...dont make me break out my jag cause i will
ziva: ( breaks open mcgees soda) straw
Mcgee:no im good i got the one arm
Tony:(laughing) maybe it was you mcgee, the one arm man, i thought it was one of those vets we met at the walter reed hospital
Mcgee: wrong case tony
tony: do we have a case, we already got the guy, what are we doing what did we miss whats happening
Mcgee: i gave him painkillers (ziva has a funny look on her face)
Tony: my fingers are finging (elevator dings) hoo you hear that????
Tony (in Tommy Lee Jones voice and posture): All right, listen up people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.
Ziva: It has been 3 hours, Tony.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 mph.
Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!
Tony: What I need from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, hen house, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name and it is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
McGee (to Tony): The Tommy Lee Jones speech? Every time we have a fugitive?
Tony squirms but looks unrepentant.
PR Man: This could be a PR disaster.
Gibbs: It's always my primary concern.
Ziva (to Tony): Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Tony: Sure. It's just not your reality.
McGee: Maybe he was accused of a crime he didn't commit and is trying to promptly escape to the Los Angeles underground.
Tony: He is not the A-team, McGee.
Gibbs exits conference room to find Tony waiting to tell him info.
Tony: Oh, hey boss. McGee managed to ...blah, blah, blah computer geek stuff.. and he figured out that the video feed was being accessed from a public site a few blocks from the garage...
Gibbs: Where he watched us.
Tony: Yeah, that is exactly true. Last files accessed on de la Casa's laptop were...
Gibbs: Patient logs.
Tony: (looks up, astonished.) Yeah, three names in particular.
Gibbs: Whitney, Stone and Heatherton
Tony: puffs out breath.."Whoaaa..that's kinda creepy. Wait, howdya...? (looks at the back of the folder)
Ducky (following around as Gibbs marches through the HQ. Ducky briefing Gibbs on the history of the first recognition of post traumatic stress disorder): A dam gave way during a heavy rainstorm. Psychologists descended upon the ruined valley to identify the common malady that afflicted the survivors.
Gibbs: Nightmares, insomnia, paranoia, depression, memory loss.
Ducky: You know the symptoms well.
Gibbs: What seems to be the problem, marine?
Werth keeps quiet.
Gibbs: WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, MARINE!!!?
Werth: I want to kill someone sir!!
Gibbs: Make sure he's presentable for your photo opt?
HR Aide: The man is entitled to his medal.
Gibbs: All you care about is selling the war.
HR Aide: You don't support the war?
Gibbs: I support the men fighting it.
Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Ziva: I said I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.
McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words McNerd.
Abby: Oh Tony, I'm so glad you... (Abby steps away from Tony, wincing at the smell) smell like garbage.
Tony: Yeah. I know. I was going through Karen Sutherland's trash.
Ziva: Find anything?
Tony: She recycles, and composts... Who composts!
Tony: You know what happened to the kitty cat who got to curious? Don't make me break out my Jack cause I will.
Ziva: (after opening McGee's drink for him) Straw?
McGee: No I'm good. I got the one arm.
Tony: Maybe it was you McGee. The one-armed man. Thought it was one of those vets we met at the Walter Reed Hospital.
McGee: Wrong case Tony.
Tony: We even have a case? We already got the guy. What are we doing? What did we miss? What's happening?
McGee: (to Ziva) They gave him painkillers.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: My fingers are tingling. Hmm. (Elevator door dings) Ooo. You hear that?
McGee: You know that's how Houdini died.
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
Sutherland: You could have just asked nicely.
Gibbs: This is nicely!
McGee: No one expresses themself the way Abby does...Themself? Themselves? Themself?
Tony: He's pulling a pulp fiction
McGee: On the Hulk
McGee (to Abby): Some of these experiments are more “fi” than “sci.”
Tony: I've been working on my six-pack, you know..abs?
Ziva: You and abby have? been drinking?
Tony: (about Gibbs) In case you were wondering, he doesn't really care about the medals. I keep his in a drawer.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?
Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. When we were wrestling with Corporal Werth. (Tony and McGee look at each other)
Ziva: What? What is this look?
McGee: Nothing.
Tony:...You like him.
Ziva: I thought he was powerful
McGee: You really liked him
Ziva: I am trying to describe something... complicated.
Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.
McGee: To her Red Sonja.
Tony: Nice.
Ziva: It only lasted a moment.
Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head.
Gibbs: (entering) Escaped mental patient.
McGee: (looking at Tony) Exactly what I'm thinking, boss.
Jenkins: You're done in here, already.
Tony: Yeah, don't need to look in the one place we know he isn't.
Abby: These people have read way too many sci-fi comics.
McGee: Some of these experiments are more fi than sci. One of them makes people glow in the dark.
Vincent: (noticing Gibbs enter while talking on the phone with his boss) Oh, no. Uh, nothing, sir. I'm losing you. Sunspots, x-rays, tunnel.
Ziva: I want to see him.
Casa: He's under heavy sedation. He's fine.
Gibbs: She asked to see the patient.
McGee: Probably not a good idea to stand in her way.
Tony: Wow.
McGee: What? No funny movie reverence?
Tony: It's not funny.
Tony: (about his abs) Hard as wood.
McGee: To match your head.
Episode 5.11 "Tribes"
Langer (to Gibbs): Sorry about our inconvenient convergence here.
Gibbs: Our what?
Langer hands over money to him, ruefully. Tells Jenny that Gibbs used to fine him for every three dollar word he used.
Jenny: How much?
Langer: (looking incredulous) Er, three dollars.
Gibbs: You owe me six.
Tony: Hell, the fall will probably kill ya.
Ziva: Butch Cassidy and the Sunrise Kid.
Gibbs: (not seeing Abby as he walks into the lab) Abby?
Abby: (kneeling on floor, is startled, lifts her head and hits it on the open door of the mass spectrometer) Ow! you scared the hell out of me! (pause) Sir" (She stands, lifting her microscope glasses)
Gibbs: You lose something?
Abby: Nay! Does a baby change its own diapers? Does it burp and feed itself? It takes a lot of TLC to keep my children (the equipment) happy and fully functioning in the lab of Abby or 'Labby' as I like to call it.
(Whispers to the mass spectrometer) You're my favorite.
Gibbs: Labby?
Tony: Am I the only normal one here?
Gibbs: No!
Tony: "Morning Boss!
(On the phone with McGee)
Tony: Go MaGoo!
Tony: (pointing at McGee's enormous coffee mug) Good morning, Probie Pan. Where did you pick that up? Neverland?
Tony: Nobody likes a know-it-all.
McGee: Gibbs does.
McGee: I'll flip you for it.
Ziva: If I flip you, you'll get hurt.
Tony: (about Agent Langer as he walks away) What an ass!
Ziva: (admiringly) Yes, indeed!
Tony: You're Langer leering. You're leering a Langer.
Ziva: Very good, Tony, you'd get a B in my class.
Tony: I could teach your class.
Ziva: Yeah right.
Gibbs: You are still a pain in the ass.
Langer: You know I learned from the best!
McGee: Baghdad is safer than this neighborhood.
Langer: Gibbs took me under his wing......and then proceeded to crush me.
Ziva: I spent my summers in Haifa.
Khalid: (Picks up the tea she has offered him) You make it Arab-style, huh? Strong.
Ziva: I like it strong.
Khalid: You like Muslims.
Ziva: Yes.
Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m simply curious.
Ziva: Growing up in Israel I had a friend who was Muslim. We were very close.
Khalid: Are you still close?
Ziva: He was killed. When I was twelve.
Khalid: There’s been too much death.
Ziva: I agree.
Abby: The needle was really old! It was, like, from the seventies! (Gibbs looks at her) Not... that, that's.... that's not old. I mean, that's... old for a needle, sure, but... it's certainly not old for... you know... a, man.
Gibbs: Get him.
Tony: Got him.
McGee: Good.
Gibbs: (about Langer) Taught him everything he's forgotten.
Gibbs: (to Abby) You're my favorite.
Episode 5.12 "Stakeout"
Ziva: Do you think prostitutes get bored... I mean, the same work day in, day out, day in, day out?
Tony: What did I miss?
Ziva: Goldilocks hooked up with Papa Bear, and they found a bed that is just right. Personally, I think she could do better. The Jack she's with is just gross.
Tony: You mean John.
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: Oh my God...
Ziva: Your goose is fried.
Tony: (to Sparr) Special Agent DiNozzo. Anthony. Tony.
(Sparr ignores his offer to shake hands.)
Tony: Anything good tips on the case?
Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Tony: Oh that would've been nice, yeah.
Sparr: Well when I'm in the middle of an investigation I don't return social calls.
Tony: What makes you think it was social?
Sparr: The way you stared at my butt the other day?
Tony: Now how do you know my interest in your butt wasn't purely professional.
Sparr: I've dealt with your type all my life.
Tony: Really? What is my type?
Sparr: Not my type. Rules don't apply to you. Can't imagine a woman wouldn't hang on your every word.
Tony: Have you always lacked self-esteem?
Sparr: I got a murder to solve. Haven't you got a drunken sailor to find?
(Gibbs is interrogating a stoned Dennis)
Sparr: Gibbs always throw softballs?
Tony: I've seen him make a 300 lb. drill instructor cry.
Sparr: (to Tony about Dennis) This man couldn't pick his own mother out of a line-up.
Tony: (to Gibbs) Morning, Boss. (to Tim) Morning, McProbius.
Gibbs: Where is DiNozzo?
Ziva: He is... um... He is... He is running an errand.
Jardine (To Ziva): Would Tony really do something to your food?
Gibbs: Oh yes.
Jardine: Ziva.
Ziva: Yeah.
Jardine: I don't know if I should say anything or not but I saw Tony putting something under your car.
Ziva: What? When?
Jardine: What, I don't know. When, this morning.
Ziva: Hah, I told you... I told you he could not be trusted!
(Ziva runs to her car)
McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.
Ziva: Do you trust DiNozzo?
McGee: Point well taken.
Tony: This is crazy. I'm taking photos of an empty room.
Ziva: (Looking at Gibbs) I wouldn't want to be Gibbs right now.
Tony: (Starring at McGee) I wouldn't want to be McGee any day.
Ducky: Is the Stakeout over?
Tony: I wish! It's worse than watching a five day cricket match!
Ducky: Careful, young man.
(McGee walks in, carrying a bag with their brekfast)
Tony: Hey, moniter number two was flickering there: Fixed it.
McGee: (drops the bag and walks to the window) I've seen that Beamer before.
Tony: Yeah, we've seen it all before.Feels like we've been here for months doing nothing.(Opens bag and pulls container of eggs out) Com'on! I said scrambled! You haven't gotten a single order right in four days.
McGee: They're eggs, eat 'em.
Tony: I don't like sunny-side up.Sunny side up oozes.They're like eyes, they're looking at ya'! I bet your burritos just the way you like it.
McGee: You want your eggs scrambled? (Takes the container and shakes it) They're scambled!
(He walks back to the window and Tony throws the burrito at his head)
Tony: (about Gibbs) I've seen him make a three hundred poud drill instructor cry.
Sparr: Thanks for the call. Where is he?
"Goldilocks:" Went into the hotel, acting real hinky. There's a reward, right?
Tony: Yes, you get him.(points at McGee)
Ducky: (Abby is spinning in circles on a stool) Abby. Abigail! What are you doing?
Abby: I'm trying to change my spacial orientation. Help myself get a new perspective.
Ducky: How's it working?
Abby: I think I'm gonna be sick.
McGee: The camera's working fine, Boss. I don't know why... I would start a sentence like that.
Pullman: Sorry, Gibbs. Sec Nav wouldn't let me go. Wanted to know whose bright idea it was to use top secret radar as bait.
Gibbs: That would be Gibbs, 2 B's.
Gibbs: Where is DiNozzo?
Ziva: He is, um, He is.. He is running an errand.
Gibbs: Never cover for me, David.
Sparr: (as Tony starts under the crime scene tape) Excuse me, Excuse me, sir.Restricted crime scene.
Tony: (confused) Boss?
Sparr: Oh, he's one of yours?
Gibbs: Oh, yeah.
Episode 5.13 "Dog Tags"
Jenny: Sometimes things aren't so simple Abby, sometimes you can't control the outcome. Sometimes you have to look at the reality and accept it.
Abby: I can't.... I won't!
Jenny: He doesn't look very good does he? (Indicating the dog Jethro)
Abby: I think it's because he knows he's on death row. That would put a damper on anyone's spirit.
Abby: So what? So what if I am?! You have to stand up for what you believe in. You have to stick to your guns until you make a wrong right.
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog that attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend or maybe because I am a forensic scientist, and I could boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace. (McGee quickly puts money in the container)
(After Tony scares McGee with a dog attack video)
Ziva: Finding inspiration?
Tony: Whenever I can. It's my personal McMuse.
McGee: When dogs attack...Very funny.
Gibbs: All bark, no bite, like the rest of my team.
Ducky: When was the last time you had a tetanus shot?
McGee: Probably after that time Dicky Newsome and I were fighting over the galactic wand of Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Tony: So...last year sometime?
Tony: We gotta stop serving warrants after lunch. Ten bucks says McGee spills it on this one.
McGee: That dog should have a muzzle on it Abby.
Abby: Put a muzzle on yourself McGee. It's not like he shot you.
Tony: If by "bullcrap" you mean your worst freakin' nightmare, then yeah, this is bullcrap!
McGee: I've been bitten harder...by dogs....I love dogs. I'm a dog person, really.
Erica: What kind of dog do you have?
McGee: Uh....I don't, yet, but I might....will....soon...very soon. I just need to find the right girl....dog...girl dog. I want a girl dog. I do like boys, though.
Gibbs: Don't ask, don't tell McGee.
Gibbs: What do we got?
Tony: (Watching a tape of a man eating junk food Funjuns) A sudden urge to hit the vending machines.
Gibbs: Go back to Pax River and talk to the other handlers.
Tony: And see if one of them barks....I know.
Ziva: You do not have rabies! You're getting him worried for no good reason.
Tony: She's right, McGruff.
Jenny: I can sympathize with the Commander's impatience.
Gibbs: Well you sympathize, I'll keep investigating.
Abby: If you think I can't distinguish the fibres on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me McGee. And right now I don't want to know you!
Abby: Good dog. Bad McGee!
Abby: Dogs don't kill people. People kill people.
McGee: People with dogs that kill people, kill people.
Abby: Who would shoot this cute little dog? (Realizes it was McGee and turns to confront him)
McGee: It was self defense. It was self defense!
Abby: You shot that cute little dog?
McGee: He's not cute and little! He's vicious and large!
Tony: Unfortunately thanks to Semper Fido he's never gonna roll over. (Gibbs looks sideways at Tony). Sorry boss.
Gibbs: Play dead!
Ducky: Given the prevalence of bite marks, torn flesh, puncture wounds, I'd postulate that Petty Officer Hanson was the victim of a dog attack.
Gibbs: Really going out on a limb there, Duck.
Ducky: That assumption is further substantiated by the presence of a dog at the scene of the crime.
Tony: By crikey, Dr. Mallard, I believe you've solved the case!
(The team look at Tony )
Ziva: Did you wake up in the wrong bed this morning?
Tony: If your question is did I wake up on the wrong side of the bed, the answer is no, but my mood did sour somewhat when I walked in and found that our chief suspect is dead!
Ziva: (Referring to Erica) I guess she prefers McGee's scent.
Tony: Ha! She'll eat him alive!
Abby: Who's a good Jethro?
Gibbs: I'm a good Jethro
Tony: (referring to Ziva on the floor with her butt sticking up) Believe me, not from this angle.
[McGee and dog handler come down to pick up the dog involved in case, to find Abby has locked herself and dog Jethro in her office with loud music on, ignoring them. McGee is still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as dog growls]
Abby: Pay no attention to them, Jethro.
McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (gets ignored) Jethro has to go now. . . . Abby!
Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!
McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?
Abby: (frowns, gets up to turn the music louder and face them as Jethro growls still) I'm not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!
Abby: I am in full scene mode!
McGee: You can't stay in there forever.
Abby: I am fully stocked on both Caff-Pow, and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days.
Abby: You've been looking for a dog, Timmy.
McGee: Abby, that dog tasted my blood, and I think he liked it!
Guard: Can I help you?
Abby: I'm looking for fleas.
Guard: Fleas?
Abby: All right I know I shouldn't have taken him without authorization. But time was off the essence. And besides Jethro may have uncovered an important clue!
McGee: Or maybe it's another one of his victims and he's confessing.
Gibbs: Or maybe it's his lunch.
Ducky: Only if he's a cannibal, Jethro.
[the dog barks]
Ducky: [to the dog] I wasn't talking to you.
Episode 5.14 "Internal Affairs"
Abby: (pointing an accusing finger at the silent FBI man) You are very guarded about whether or not we are being guarded.
Jenny: (to Jeanne, talking about her father, La Grenoille) He loved you. Of that, I am sure.
Ziva: (being interrogated) I would hate to be misunderstood.
Fornell: Does that happen often?
Ziva: Once in a blue lagoon.
Tony: I'm with you. Call the spirits: tell 'em to bring pizza.
Fornell: You killed La Grenouille!
Tony: I did what?
Gibbs: (Ziva,Gibbs, Ducky and McGee are in Gibbs'basement. Gibbs hands Ziva a knife and instructing her to "take care" of some FBI agents in a car. She smiles and starts up the stairs. Gibbs smiles.) Ziva, their tires, not their throats.
McGee: Backing up three years of files: the bulk of our lives are in these cables right now flying back and forth in zeros and ones.
Tony: You do understand that I'm the ones and you're the zeros?
Gibbs:(In Gibbs basement) Questions?
McGee: Yeah, how do you get the boat out?
Gibbs: Just break the bottle.
Abby: This is ridiculous! We're prisoners in our own evidence lock up!
Ziva: We're not prisoners.
Tony: We're evidence so we're locked up.
Tony: Gibbs gave you a mission. Everyone's counting on you. Just do what you do best.
Abby: Dance?!
Tony: Talk.
Ducky: Reminds me of a time....(Gibbs stares at him)....a part of my life I will share with you later.
Abby: Oh! Tarot cards! Wanna see what happens next?
Tony: I am dying with anticipation.
Fornell: Come on Tony, you're a better liar than that!
Gibbs: Fairytale ending.
Jenny: The frog is dead and the Jesters have been kicked out of the kingdom.
Gibbs: The Queen is back on her throne.
Jenny: You're expecting some sort of knighthood, I'm sorry to say I've misplaced my sword.
Gibbs: "Long live the Queen."
Abby: (Referring to Gibbs) The man is magic like dark magic. He has eyes and ears everywhere. He appears like a....(Whispers)....mist. Whenever I get a clue he just materializes.
Fornell: Maybe he bugged your lab.
Abby: No...(With a naughty grin)....I checked.
Ziva: Be a man Tony.
Tony: She accused me of murder!
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man!
(Ducky, Ziva and McGee are "re-enacting" La Grenouille's murder; McGee is La Grenouille.)
McGee: Why do I let you shoot me in the head?
Abby: There's a problem with your theory of the crime.Like, a big hole.I could drive a trusk through it.Well, I may not be able to drive a truck through it, cause I was never great with a double clutch, but a truck driver could just.....(makes a gesture)
Fornell: How did you get so close to La Grenoullie's daughter?
Tony: I see where you're going with this.You'd like to know a few pick-up tricks, huh? I wish I could tell ya, but kind of a family secret and I took an oath.Sorry.
Gibbs: How's the case?
Fornell: Falling apart, better not be here Jethro, just create more problems.
Episode 5.15 "In The Zone"
Tony: Jealous? What you're doing could be illegal in some states.
Nikki: It should be. I think I need to wash.
Tony (to Nikki): For someone who hates germs so much, you're a slob.
Tony: Aw..Yeah...It's like home...if you live in an airport.
Stenner: Can I just please, go to the bathroom?
Gibbs: No.
Stenner: Okay.
Gibbs: I'm kidding, you can go.
Tony: Wow. I never thought it would be possible to hurt yourself with a wet wipe.
Tony: I'm guessing he's not complimenting my vest.
Nikki: He seems to know your mother .....intimately.
(McGee assigns barking dog sounds to Tony's keyboard)
Tony: (Pressing several keys) That's very funny. Fix it!
McGee: Um, you're barking up the wrong tree.
Ziva: If anyone is going to go to Iraq it should be me.
Nikki: It is my area of expertise, I have a lot of contacts there.
Ziva: As do I.
Nikki: Mine are still breathing.
Ziva: As are....most of mine.
Ziva: Well it would not be the first time a murderer tried to throw us up that way.
McGee: Off. Throw us off.
(After seeing a picture of "Jethro", McGee's dog, licking McGee)
Tony: McRomeo, you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
Ziva: Nikki.
Nikki: Ziva.
Ziva: What do you have there?
Nikki: It's nothing.
Ziva: Five reasons why I should be picked to go to Iraq'. Ah, you've heard the rumors too. You do know that Iraq is a war zone? Nikki, it is dirty there. Sanitation is very poor. And diseases, have you ever heard of leishmaniasis? It begins with a loud oozing sore, often in the face. And then it just.... (Ziva makes a slurping noise) Oh! I have photos, I can show you.
Nikki: No! Thank you for your concern but I still really want to go. (Nikki pulls down her sleeve so she doesn't have to touch the bathroom door handle, but can't get a grip on it...)
Ziva: In that case, I hope you can handle competition a lot better than you can handle.....handles. (Ziva opens the door for Nikki)
Tony: McGee, you're looking very guilty over there. You didn't do that thing that I told you not to do did you?
McGee: Why would I do that? Did you do that?
Abby: (to Tony and Nikki in Iraq over teleconference): I didn't know you guys were sharing a room.
Ziva: (aside to Abby) They are sharing a room?
Tony: We're not exactly sharing a room.
Ziva: Either they're sharing a room or they're not sharing a room. I don't see what is so exact or not exact about it.
Ziva: (walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk) For the one you got me last week.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: (leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps) That is quite a kiss, McGee!
McGee: (grins) Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: (chuckles) Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. (muses) I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: (walks in, looking at them curiously) McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes... Or.... (hits a key to bring up a very sweet picture of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking him, on the squadroom plasma screen) ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
Tony: (laughs) Oh, McRomeo... You should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.
Nikki: Or should be.I think I need to wash.
McGee: Tony said that if I really want to go, then I shouldn't volunteer. But if he says that I shouldn't volunteer, then he thinks I will volunteer. Which means if I really want to go, I shouldn't volunteer.
Abby: That's... good, Timmy. That sounds like you're doing exactly what you... shouldn't.
Tony: So um, you got any leads on Ali's whereabouts?
McGee: Tony, you're in the same city as him! We're ten Time Zones away! Why did you go to Iraq again?
Varni: Good question!
Tony: Well let us know. And put my Kill Bill mug back on my desk, McGee!
Tony: Major, a man in your unit was murdered! Is there a reason you don't want to know who did it?
Varni: Sure I do. I'd also like the war to end, the electricity to work, and for all the tribes to get along.
Ridgeway: Like I would assume you would complain to your wife about this one.
(tosses his stress ball to Ziva)
Gibbs: Her? (chuckles) Oh no, I wouldn't mess with her.
Ridgeway: (chuckles) Yeah? Why would he say that?
(Ziva throws the stressball, hitting so hard it flattens the stressball)
Dina: My husband gets these um....gut feelings.You ever have one of those?
Gibbs: Once or twice.
Episode 5.16 "Recoil"
Tony: Where the hell are you McTardy? I'm still here alone with the dead body.
McGee: She seems unfazed.
Tony: Those are standard Mossad-style copy-machine assault tactics.
Tony: You've got to look at this objectively. The evidence says he's guilty.
Ziva: All circumcised.
McGee: Uh, circumstantial.
(Abby on roller blades has been trying to eliminate seconds from her best times for getting around her lab. She stops abruptly and bumps Gibbs)
Gibbs: Abs?
Abby: Yes Gibbs?
Gibbs: Lose the wheels.
McGee: Four boxes, four bags evidence, four bags of personal effects....I am going to be here forever.
(Abby trying to get a bad CCTV picture to sharpen, to identify suspect...it is driving her bats)
McGee: Did you try detecting edges?
(Abby stares him down)
McGee: I'm detecting an edge.
Abby: If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times
McGee: There is no substitute for quality source imagery, I know.
Tony: (To Ziva) Hey, McGee thinks your raging against the machine because you had to kill your serial killer boyfriend.
Ziva: Uno mas, Si'l vous plait.
Michael: You're mixing your languages.
Ziva: And my liquors.
Tony: (To Ziva) "Guess what Locke's girlfriend's blood type is? The same blood type Abby found on the knife, B positive. Although it's hard to be positive when the news is so negative.
Tony: Listen, I wasn't trying to make light of what you went through. Just trying to snap you out of your head space, you know?
Ziva: I have perfectly good space in my head.
Michael: You know, I've never handled a gun before.
Ziva: Well you're not going to handle one now.
Michael: Well, ah I guess I'll just have to handle something else.
(Ziva giggles slightly)
Gibbs: Is that what this is about? You doubting your judgment?
Ziva: I should have moved earlier.
Gibbs: You woulda if you coulda.
Ziva: I left it too late.
Gibbs: You still took him out.
Ziva: I almost died.
Gibbs: But you didn't. You gotta trust your judgment Ziva. Moment you don't. It won't be almost.
Ziva (to Michael): You touched my gun.
Gibbs: Always suspect the spouse!
Ducky: Speaking from experience, Jethro?
Abby: That's why I'm never getting married.
Tony: Sea of Love, boss.Remember that movie.Al Pacine played a cop, sleeps with a serial killer, played by Ellen Barkin.The zany twist here is, Ziva's Pacino and Locke is Barkin, might even be bitin'.
Episode 5.17 "About Face"
McGee:Gonna be kind of tough play the "Q" without a "U."
Ziva: You peeked!
McGee: Did not - Process of elimination. I counted the tiles on the board.
Tony: You suck the fun out of everything McCheat.
McGee: Give it up, Ziva.
(Ziva put the word QI on the board)
McGee: "Qui?" I don't think so!
Ziva: Chi," as in the life energy that flows through all things.
Tony: You should've seen that one coming, Probie Wan-Kenobi.
Leon: So you saw a man with a gun and you decided to chase after him?
Palmer: No I chased after him and then I saw the gun.
Leon: I can't tell if you're dumb or brave.
Palmer: Not brave enough.
Leon: The gun?
Palmer: What about it?
Leon: Automatic, revolver? Nickle plated, black, dull, shiny, big, small?
Palmer: Big
Leon: The barrel?
Palmer: Yes, the barrel.
Leon: So we're looking for a beady-eyed reptile with a big gun?
Leon: Sounds like he's got a serious case of brain freeze.
Gibbs: Well, freeze can thaw, Leon.
Tony: (referring to an empty parking space previously occupied by a camper) Looks like we missed the twister.
Abby (to Palmer): You are Baby Gibbs!
(Palmer grins, pleased at the compliment)
Palmer: Did we catch him? Did we learn anything about this guy?
McGee: No ... but we certainly learned something about you...
Palmer: Whatever it is ... it's not what you think!
McGee: If the shoe fits...
Palmer: Wait! Where are you going?
McGee: These boots were made for walking.
Gibbs: (reassuring a worried Ducky): Duck, you let me worry about the guy with the gun.
Abby: One time I got my lip stuck in a vacuum cleaner display at the department store. I lost, like, a quart of saliva before my cousin pulled the plug. I still have nightmares about it. Can't be alone with a HEPA filter.
Palmer: How old were you?
Abby: 22. It was like Fat Tuesday or Arbor Day...
Ducky: You have to decide what's in your bones Mr. Palmer.
Ducky (to Palmer): I have no doubt you have it in you to die a hero's death, but for now perhaps you can help me examine the dead?
Ducky (to corpse about Palmer): Sometimes I worry about that young man.
Leon: (having seen Gibbs 'order' his team without saying a word). Short leash.
Gibbs: Them or me?
(referring to her facial recognition software)
Abby: It didn't ding. My dinger didn't ding. My dinger must be broken again.
Palmer: How do you do it?
Gibbs: (silence)
Palmer: Block out fear
Gibbs: You don't, its what you do with it.
[McGee and Ziva are playing Scrabble]
Tony: Hey, what's going on here? Did I get off on the wrong floor, I thought this was an office.
McGee: Officer David and I are engaged in a linguistic developmental exercise intended to bolster her English vocabulary.
Tony: (chuckles) That's good. Do you think Gibbs will buy it?
Ziva: It is not my vocabulary that needs bolsterment, McGee.
McGee: Not a word. Hence the scoreboard.
McGee: No....
Ziva: (laughs) Sixty-two points!!!
Tony: Jedi wins.
McGee:I'm challenging!!
Gibbs: (walking in) You all are! Grab your gear. Playtime's over. (McGee panics, opening Ziva's drawer and dumping the tiles and board in, hazardly sweeping the ones on desk to the floor as she gives him an odd look and the team gets ready to go) McGee: Uhh... that was a, uh, language exercise we weren't actually playing.
Tony: So he didn't actually lose.
McGee: Correct!
Gibbs: So he wasn't actually humiliated.
(Ziva and Tony look at each other and chuckle on their way out)
Tony: We gotta find out what he was doing up here.
Ziva: And with whom he was doing it.
Tony: Doing what?
Ziva: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Tony: Done? What?
Ziva: Done!
[Ziva leaves]
Tony: Wait...
Ducky: In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Tony: Not this queen.
Gibbs: He's not a field agent.
Vance: He's a member of your team.
Gibbs: He works for Ducky.
Vance: Ducky works for you.
Gibbs: Something bugging you, Leon?
Vance: Yeah. Director's back end of the week. I wanna go home. I miss my kids. I miss San Diego. Missed my flight because of this case. I just want it solve it so I can leave!
Gibbs: Works for me!
Ducky: How is Mr. Palmer?... I really miss his assistance. You never fully appreciate someone until they're not here.
Gibbs: Hah, he'll be all right.
Ducky: Jimmy may not have had a good look at the shooter, but I fear the shooter may have had a good look at him.
Gibbs: Duck, you let me worry about the shooter.
(Jimmy pulls up to a suspect's home after being told to stay at NCIS)
Gibbs: What are you doing here?
Palmer: I thought I could help.
Gibbs: What part of stay don't you understand? Stay, Palmer! You stay in the car!
[while Gibbs and the team are busy Jimmy notices the suspect about to escape and rams his car]
Gibbs: [after disarming the suspect] What the h*** were you thinking?!
Palmer: I did not get out of the car.
Gibbs: Don't ever do it again!! (pauses and gives Palmer a proud smile) Now you have something to write home about, Palmer.
Palmer: [about the passport he saw] Let's see. It was blue, dark blue.
McGee: Yes, you've managed to narrow it down to the most popular color in the world.
Tony: I hope there's no tornadoes.You know what they say about tornadoes and trailer.....
Gibbs: (headslaps Tony) Gear, go, get back!
Tony: Wow, should have seen that one coming.
Episode 5.18 "Judgment Day Parts 1 & 2"
Abby (playing Ziva): Haircut, McGee
McGee (as himself, puzzled by Abby's strange manner): Noooo. (cautiously)
Ducky (playing Tony): I think it was a suggestion McGee, not a question.
Ziva (to Tony): Is that why we are here? So you can google the girls?
Ziva: (reading, lying on a chair wearing a bikini, Tony comes up behind her) You're googling, again.
Tony: A book. How McGee-ish of you.
Ziva: You're in my sun.
Tony: You'll thank me later. Come on, let's go.
Ziva: If you value that hand, I suggest you back away, slowly.
Abby (talking to herself about Jenny's photographs): She's a great director; Annie Leibovitz she's not.
Franks: Gibbs teach you that?
Jenny: Gibbs didn't teach. You watch. You learn.
Franks: You learn. I taught.
Jenny: You need something Agent DiNozzo?
Tony: Nothing, just checking in with our fearless leader.
Jenny: What did I tell you Tony?
Tony: Not to call you our fearless leader.
Ziva to Tony: (as he's gassing up the Mustang): "What do you want me to do - hold your nozzle?"
(Ziva and Tony driving in the desert, Tony driving. Reverses back in front of the giant cactus. Tony gets out of the car, faces giant cactus)
Tony: ARGH
Jenny: Stop looking at my ass.
Franks: There is nothing else to look at.
Ducky (To the Director's body): You my dear, were a woman who always knew what she wanted. A trait as some may have seen as mere carreerism, rather than the true sense of duty I know carried you. That’s why I cant help but wondering if your death too, was on your terms.
Ziva: You have not listened to anything I have said.
Tony: Well it's only been three years. I'm a slow learner.
Ziva: And a slow healer. You're crying over spilled... milk.
Tony: It's not milk that I spilled.
Ziva: Do not do this Tony.
Tony: Don't do what? Blow my protection detail? My undercover assignment?
Ziva: Those sound like apologies.
Tony: She died alone.
Ziva: We are all alone.
Tony: Paris. That's when it must have happened.
Ziva: The two of them alone in another world.
Tony: Putting their lives in each other's hands every day.
Ziva: Not to mention the long nights.
Tony: It was inevitable.
Ziva: Nothing is inevitable.
Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
(at the same time)
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: No.
Vance: You want to take a moment and get your stories straight?
(at the same time)
Ziva: No.
Tony: Yes.
Vance: That explains how Director Shepard got out to the dinner. Franks was the fifth shooter.
Tony: On Jenny's side.
Vance: Who's side are you on?
(at the same time)
Ziva: Gibbs.
Tony: Gibbs.
Vance: Well you finally got your story straight.
Franks: I'm not a people perons.
Jenny: I noticed.
Franks: It's not that I don't like 'em.They just never seem to like me.
Jenny: Decker never had that problem.
Franks: Then why's he dead?
Franks: If you're looking for an apology......
Gibbs: I know better.
Franks: I'm sorry Gunny.
McGee: When are you back?
Gibbs: On my way.
McGee: What about Tony and -
[McGee's search completes]
Gibbs: McGee!
McGee: Boss, we got a problem here.
Gibbs: Just one?
McGee: I saw you two went swimming.
[Tony angrily closes his desk drawer, and walks to McGee's desk]
Tony: What are you saying McGee?
McGee: ... Nah..... I'm saying I saw a picture of Ziva at the pool when -
Tony: Say it!
McGee: Say what?
Tony: I screwed up! You can say it, Probie.
McGee: It was not your fault.
Ziva: Thank you.
Vance: Think of a reason why I shouldn't personally throw the book at you for hindering a Federal Inquiry.
Gibbs: Because you want this to go away.
Vance: Where the h*** are you?
Gibbs: Not far.
Vance: Franks with you?
Gibbs: Should he be?
Vance: If he's not then he's on his way to Mexico with Decker's insurance policy.
(on the other end of the phone, Gibbs grins)
Vance: Don't smile.
Sasha: William never said anything specific, just that if anything were to happen to him, that I was to deliver a message.
Jenny:To whom?
Franks: [Sasha gets a book hands a card to Franks] "Jenny Shepard Director NCIS"
Sasha: You know her?
Franks: Unfortunately.
Tony: Status, McGee.
McGee: Gibbs out there.Vance out there.Natasha out there.Us here.
Tony: What are we doing?
Ziva: Waiting for the fireworks.
Vance: Photo pops up, Gibbs runs off the reservation, and nobody knows a thing!
Tony: Sounds like a Wednesday.
Abby: Call 'em again!
McGee: I've already left Tony five messages.
Abby: Call Ziva!
McGee: Eight messages.
Abby: Why did you call Ziva more than you called Tony?.....Right, not important.What is important is that we remain calm.
McGee: I am calm.
Abby: Dont you care about your friends?!
McGee: You just said.....never mind.
Ducky: Am I interrupting something?
McGee: Just Abby's nervous breakdown.
Abby: (about Jenny) She was always such a snappy dresser, you know? Like a classy.I never tolder that.Why didn't I tell her that? She would have liked that.She would've smiled.You can't wait with stuff like that because you never know what's going to happen.........I like the way you dress, Gibbs.It's masculine and spruce, and always with a jacket. (Gibbs smiles) See even you smiled.(the team walks in) And Tony your business, and after hours.......it's nice.Ziva you kick butt and you look so good doing it.McGee.......oh, McGee!
McGee: I've tried letter substitution. I've tried frequency analysis, Affine shift ciphers.
Leon: Affine shift ciphers?
McGee: It's kinda hard to explain. No offense.
Leon: You mean it's hard to explain why you'd waste your time on an Affine shift without even knowing the multiplicative inverse?
McGee: Why I thought...
Leon: Have you tried a transposition cipher?
McGee: Not yet.
Leon: Visioneer encryption?
McGee: Well, I was going to.
Leon: So, you haven't done anything. (hands McGee a toothpick) You call me when you have.
Vance: Officer David, the liaison position with NCIS is being terminated. You’re going home. McGee, I’m moving you across to the Cyber Crimes Unit. You’ll be working with Officer Holsworth, starting tomorrow. DiNozzo.
Tony: Sir.
Vance: You’ve been reassigned. Agent afloat, USS Ronald Reagan. Pack your bags, you fly out tomorrow. Agent Gibbs. (hands Gibbs three folders) Meet your new team.
Ducky just got off the phone with Gibbs and turns around.
McGee: Who?
Ducky: Jenny
Season 6
Episode 6.01 "Last Man Standing"
Langer : Four months I’ve been sitting here fielding calls for DiNozzo, and I swear, they’re all women.
Lee: And that surprises you?
Lee: Morning Sir.
Langer: Morning Sir.
Keating: Morning Sir.
Gibbs: So glad we all agree on something.
Gibbs: What have I told you about calling me sir?
Langer: It'll get better.
Lee: Yeah, when he retires.
Ducky: Tell Agent Gibbs he can send in the B team.
Gibbs: That implies there's an A Team, Duck.
Ducky: Isn't there?
Gibbs: They're all A Teams.
Ducky: Perhaps some even A+
Abby (after Gibbs appears behind her): Why didn’t I hear the elevator?
Gibbs: The stairs.
Abby: You are taking the stairs because you associate the elevator with people you’re trying to forget.
Gibbs: Abby, I'm not trying to forget anybody.
Gibbs: Anything else?
Abby: A Number (holds up post-it).
Gibbs: One Two Six?
Abby:One hundred and twenty six. That is the number of days that Tony, McGee, and Ziva have been gone. I really didn't think you'd let it get into triple digits, Gibbs. But now it's way more. It's like a third of a whole year. I miss them.
Gibbs: Abby, you had lunch with McGee yesterday.
Abby: It's not the same. I miss them collectively. As a group. My three musketeers.
Abby (To Gibbs): You have ten days. Okay, I don’t want to pressure you, so twelve, but no more than two weeks…and stop taking the stairs! (Elevator dings, Abby smiles)
Tech guy: Still working on it Boss.
Gibbs (from behind): Boss?
McGee (turns around surprised): Boss!!!
Gibbs: We miss you Ziva.
Ziva: I miss you too, all of you, even Tony.
Leon: Whoever was blackmailing Vargo was an NCIS agent.
Gibbs (sternly): Not one of my mine.
Leon: Langer- made the jump to NCIS 8 months ago from the FBI.
Gibbs: He got no special treatment.
Leon: But you did recommend him.
Gibbs: He called me.
Leon: You endorsed him.
Gibbs: A doubt? I've got a doubt about everyone of them. I've got a former FBI guy who doesn't listen, a boy genius who doesn't drive. I have a lawyer who doesn't shoot!
Gibbs: So what, four months, you've got nothing.
Vance: We've got nothing.
McGee: Boss, I’m sorry! He made it very clear to me that I couldn't talk to anyone except for him.
Gibbs: Wouldn’t have stopped you in the past.
McGee: Well, it s not the same; we were a team. I would give this up in a heartbeat to be working with you and Ziva again.
Gibbs: And DiNozzo?
McGee: Yeah, him too.
McGee: Got something here Boss.
Gibbs (sarcastically): Want to call Vance?
Tony: McGoo. It's true. TV really does add 10 pounds. You been hitting the jelly doughnuts again? How do I look?
McGee: First the USS Ronald Reagan and now the Seahawk. How's life afloat?
Tony: (puts on a piratical Oirish voice) Ah, life in the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how is that scurrilous black-hearted pirate king of ours, Captain One-shot Gibbs?
Gibbs: I'm just fine, DiNozzo.
(Tony Gibbs slaps himself)
Tony: There ya go Boss.
Gibbs: Got work to do.
Tony: I'm on it boss. What am I on, McGee?
McGee: Are you alone?
Tony: (incredulous, with a background shot of a busy radio-shore coms room with lots of sailors phoning home) Oh yeah. Just me and 5000 of my closest friends. I AM NEVER ALONE! (He leans forward and whispers) I really need to come home, boss.
Gibbs: Workin' on it.
Tony: (Laughs and says LOUDLY) Dad! Ohhh, this is why I don't want Tim drivin' my car. I told Tim that that's my car and...it's is not a family car, it's my car. (Tony leans forward and whispers) I don't like the cut of your jib McGee. This sounds suspiciously like illegal activity and ...well...a man of my delicate disposition is not suited to that kind of thing.
McGee: Don't be such a girl, alright?
Tony: Alright, open to search page. (He looks around, and leans into the camera and whispers) Is this hacking McGee? Are we hacking?
McGee: (Emphatically) It's not hacking.
Tony: But it is illegal, right? Don't answer that. I know its illegal. I'm having fun.
McGee: What do you see?
Tony: A short life. Yours, if I get caught.
Tony: Great. Next stop, Gitmo. I got a hit.
McGee to Tony: Thank you, Tony. Look after yourself. Don't fall overboard, okay?
Tony: (looks left and right, then mutters) More likely to jump.
Gibbs: DiNozzo!
Tony: (puzzled) Pa?
Gibbs: Take care of yourself.
Tony: (looks around) Miss you too, Dad.
McGee: I never thought I'd say this and actually mean it, but it’s good to see you, Tony.
Tony: I miss you too, Probie.
Gibbs: So he was sleeping?
Ducky: There are other reasons why men take their clothes off before getting into bed, Jethro.
Gibbs: Any evidence of that Duck?
Palmer: Well he did come to a sticky end!
Tony: (To Gibbs and McGee) Well its been great talking with you Pa, thanks Tim, you know I love you guys…just Tim is always messing my stuff up, he doesn’t know how to shift gears; he doesn’t change the oil; make sure you feed the chickens, say Hi to mom.
McGee: (in reference to Tony) He's insane.
Gibbs: (smiling) Oh yeah.
Lee: Probably never thought much of me as a lawyer.
Gibbs: That's more the profession than the person.
(Lee's phone rings, she silences it.)
Gibbs: Might be important.
Lee: It can wait.
Abby: I'm so excited McGee. I can't believe it. Pinch me.
(He does.)
Abby: Oow! (Playfully hits him back.)
(Abby turns to Gibbs.)
Abby: Thank you.
Eli David: You know, Leon, sometimes, those who know ask me directly - the brave among them - but most of the time the others, I can feel them looking at me and silently wondering, how can a father possibly raise his daughter to be a professional killer?
Vance: A question that I've never asked you because I know the answer.
Eli David: Every day is a fight to survive. It is my dream that my daughter will not have to make that decision with her sons and her daughters; I would like my grandchildren to be doctors and architects, to live a happy life. To grow fat, and old. [pause] You want her back, don't you.
Vance: Yes, Eli, I want her back.
Eli David: Tell me, Leon, are we winning?
Vance: I don't know, Eli.
Eli David: Use her well, Leon. Ziva is the sharp end of the spear.
Episode 6.02 "Agent Afloat"
McGee: It’s gonna be tough.
Ziva: You think it’s hard for us. Image what it feels like to be him.
McGee: Who him?
Ziva: Tony! We’re all here and he’s stuck on that ship.
McGee: Not Tony. I meant…
Ziva: Completely alone, away from all those who care about him. (pauses) Wait? You weren’t talking about Tony?
McGee: No.
Ziva: It’s freezing in here.
McGee: After four months in the sub-basement, this is cozy. It’s like march of the Penguins down there.
Ziva: Looks like we found the murder weapon. Toy guitar?
McGee: That is not a toy guitar. That is a guitar controller. Used to play Lords of Rock, video game. That particular model is called an axe.
Ziva: So our killer is an axe murderer.
(in response to Ziva and Gibbs analyzing the crime scene)
McGee: I’m sure I would have figured that out eventually.
Ziva: You spent way to much time in the cyber unit. Your crime scene skills are getting a bit dusty.
McGee: Rusty.
Ducky:…suggesting that the blows were delivered—
McGee: Post-mortem. (Looks at Gibbs) Right?
Gibbs smiles.
McGee: Don’t worry Abs. Tony’s deployment will be over soon. Maybe they’ll transfer him back.
Abby: Not maybe McGee. Definitely.
Director Vance: Agent DiNozzo has three more months on the Seahawk. After that we’ll look for the right fit.
Gibbs: He fits right here.
Dr. Nguy?n : Yeah well because of you I have to fill out a report every time I dispense an aspirin.
Tony: That must be such a headache.
Dr. Nguy?n : The man who went overboard?
Tony: Yeah that’d be him genius.
Dr. Nguy?n : You’ve already seen these records.
Tony: And that’s the wacky nature of these cases. They’re sort of like cheap luggage. You think they’re closed and then BAM! You hit a curb, lose a wheel and they open up all over again.
Gibbs: McGee!
McGee: I’m trying boss.
Gibbs: Just pull up his service record.
McGee: Keating changed all my macros. My key board short cuts… Alright I’m pulling it up on the plasma screen.
Ziva: Should we have Keating sent up from the cyber unit.
Ziva: Which may have led to marital problems.
Gibbs: Or murder. I’m going to talk to DiNozzo and the Seahawk.
Abby: Tony? When? Now? Can I talk to him? Please Gibbs I just want to tell him that Sister Rosita bowled a 260 last month and—
Gibbs: Abby, it’s not a social call.
(Gibbs stops short and Ziva runs into him.)
Gibbs: Ziva.
Ziva: Want me to join you?
(Gibbs gives her a look. She is unabashed)
(Gets the information to appear on the plasma)
McGee: Boss! Yes. Boss. I got it!
(looks around, and Gibbs is already gone)
Tony: Hey boss, you talk to Vance?
Gibbs: No I’m talking to you.
Tony: Come on you got to get me off this ship. You have any idea what it’s like to be the only cop on board a city of 5000?
(Gibbs laughs)
Tony: Well of of course you do. But just in case you forgot. It sucks!
Tony: Nothing that screams I’m going to kill my wife and jump overboard. Well it’s pretty obvious what happened right? Evans kills his wife before he leaves, joins the ship, feels he can’t live with what he’s done and then he jumps overboard. Which is what I’m going to do if I don’t get off this ship soon!
Vance: You didn’t read these files did you?
Gibbs: Like I said. Two good men.
Vance: Your choice?
Gibbs: DiNozzo. You sent Ziva to Israel to follow a lead. You sent McGee to the basement to crack a code. There is no reason to assign DiNozzo to a carrier.
Vance: Seven years as an agent. I figured it was about time.
Gibbs: You think he screwed the pooch in LA. That it? You sent him to sea to punish him, Leon?
Vance: Your choice is noted.
McGee: Agent Gibbs' desk.
Tony: McGee?
McGee: Tony, back on dry land.
Tony: Yeah, it’s a tropical paradise really. Just like the Blue Lagoon, except no white sand beaches, magical waterfall and definitely no Brooke Shields.
McGee: I’ve got some good news for you.
Tony: You’re coming to relieve me.
McGee: No, but Vance sent—
Tony: Tequila? Cause I’m going to need at least a case to get through the next three months here.
Vance: (comes up behind McGee) Is that DiNozzo? (Vance turns the speaker phone on.)
Tony: …Everybody hates me. You know what you better make it two cases. With Director Vance running things I’m going to be agent afloat-ing into my sixties. How’s it going there anyway?
Vance: Oh, couldn’t be better DiNozzo.
Tony: Ah, Director Vance…I was just um, telling McGee how much I missed everyone.
McGee: Yeah, Tony that’s what I was trying to tell you.
Tony: Well when do they get here!?
Gibbs: (from behind Tony) Already have.
McGee: Denied again.
Abby: Didn’t they teach you anything down there in Cyber-ville? (Look from McGee) No cyber jokes. Got it.
Abby: Well, Ducky was right. It’s snot.
McGee: It’s not what?
Abby: It’s snot.
McGee: It’s not?
Abby: Yeah, it is.
McGee: Not what?
(Abby gives McGee a look)
Abby: Snot. The substance found in Lindsey Evans hair. It’s snot.
McGee: Well why didn’t you just say that?
Abby: Timmy got new skills!
McGee: Was a long four months.
Abby (looks at her day-count-up and picture of Tony): It still is McGee.
Tony: Let me guess. You guys caught a bad case of DiNozzo-itis and had Vance send you down south.
Ziva: DiNozzo-itis, sounds venereal.
Tony: Okay, don’t admit it. I know you missed me. I missed you Boss.
(Ziva gives Tony her long stare.)
Tony: What?
Ziva: You seem, um…different.
Tony: Taller? Hotter?
Ziva: Older.
Tony: Well, it’s been over four months.
Ziva: You still beating yourself up over Jenny?
Tony: (looks away from Ziva) Not as much as I used to.
Ziva: Drinking?
Tony: Not as much as I used to.
(Ziva touches his shoulder to get him to look at her)
Ziva: You could have called.
Tony: Okay, I was thinking we should let Ziva handle the coroner. I’ve got a hunch.
Gibbs: Got a hunch huh?
Tony: The powers of observation.
(Fighter jet takes off making a really loud noise, causing Ziva to cover her ears)
Captain: You get used to it.
Tony: No you don’t.
Ziva: Is this where you have been these past months?
Tony: Yes. It’s just like the squad room only I’m the squad and there’s no room.
Gibbs: You got a B-Plan DiNozzo?
Tony: B…bb…B-Plan? Plan B? Be prepared. Of course I have a Plan B. What kind of agent afloat would I be if I didn’t have a Plan-B? You…you gotta have a Plan-B. I’m all about Plan-B.
(Phone rings, Tony answers)
Tony: Plan-A. They found him.
Tony: I hate it when you don’t know what you’re looking for, but it might kill you if you find it.
Abby: Gibbs, after a major whiny little temper tantrum Mr. Major Mass Spec got his act in order.
Abby: McGee what’s up? I heard Vance sent you back to the sub-basement.
McGee: No I sent myself back to the sub-basement.
Abby: So what’s next? Sending Ziva back to Israel?
Tony: Almost there boss.
Gibbs: That’s what you said ten minutes ago.
Ziva: What is the problem Tony?
Tony: There is no problem Zee-vah. I’ve seen McGee do this a million times.
Ziva: A million times faster.
Tony: Where the hell are they?
Ziva: Should I call McGee?
Tony: Only if you want to be bored to death with him explaining what I have just done.
(gets the screen to come up with what he wants.)
Gibbs: Narrow that right there.
Tony: I’m trying. Just waiting for my insult now.
Ziva: It takes McGee only seconds.
Tony: Alot of things take McGee only seconds. Hah! Got it.
Gibbs: You wanna fly? I said do you want to fly?! Let's fly. Tell the flight deck Agent Gibbs said to launch.
Com Tech: Medivac is asking to launch on Agent Gibbs' order.
Tony: Launch the plane.
Commander: I've got an armed man aboard that aircraft.
Tony: So have I and he said launch it.
Tony: COD's launching in 10, Boss.
Gibbs: Well then grab your gear.
Tony: My gear?
Gibbs: Yeah. You’re heading home DiNozzo.
Tony: Home?
Ziva: Home.
Tony: (takes off running) Make a hole! Coming through!
Gibbs: The team needs him Leon.
Vance: I’ve already made my decision. And in answer to your question. It was never punishment.
Abby: (crushing Tony in a hug) Tony! You’re back!
Tony: In the flesh.
Abby: For real? Like total real? Like pinky promise permanent real?
Tony: Reassigned to DC, effective immediately. (To Gibbs) Vance just told me.
McGee: Never thought I’d say this Tony, but it’s nice to have you back.
Abby: Nice? It’s like spectacular. I kept every one of your postcards and I have a whole DiNozzo wall in my office.
Tony: It was a long four months and I have to say it’s great to be back, not that I didn’t think I wasn’t coming back…
Abby: (cutting him off) So anyway sister Rosita bowled a 260 last month. And I watched Titanic finally and it sinks in the end, very weird…
Episode 6.03 "Capitol Offense"
Abby: It looks scrumptious.
Ziva: They call it choc-a-holic’s choice. Claim it is the ultimate cupcake.
McGee: Ahh, that smells great.
Abby: (slaps at Tony’s hand) Don’t you dare.
Tony: Isn’t this the week you’re going gluten free?
Abby: (hugs Ziva) Thank you Ziva. You shouldn't have.
Ziva: I owe you for letting me sleep at your place.
Tony: Slumber party! You two spent the night together? What’s going on here McGee?
McGee: Don’t know, don’t care. None of my business, DiNosey.
Ziva: You are such a control geek.
Tony: Freak.
Ziva: Yes, that too. Why do you always need to know everything that everybody does?
Tony: So you stayed at Abs last night huh? You guys sleep in the same room?
Ziva: It is a one bedroom apartment.
Tony: One bedroom, one bed, one coffin.
Ziva: You want the truth?
Tony: Yeah, I think I can handle the truth.
Ziva: My building was being fumigated and Abby was kind enough to let me stay over on the couch in my pajamas.
Tony: Come on, work with me a bit.
Tony holds up lace underwear, Ziva turns around and sees him.
Ziva: Tony, what are you doing?
Tony: I’m building a profile of the victim.
Ziva: You just love snooping around into other peoples' lives don’t you?
Tony: Yeah that why I became a cop.
Vance: (comes halfway down the stairs and stares at Gibbs) Got a minute?
(Gibbs silently joins him.)
Tony: So what’s up with El Jefe? Yesterday he leaves the crime scene with no explanation. Today he knew the Admiral had a problem with the victim. Where’d he get that?
McGee: Maybe he’s bluffing.
Tony: Un-un. It was on the nose.
Ziva: Who’s nose?
Tony: On the money. Bulls eye. Right as rain. You were doing better before you went back to Israel. You’ve reverted.
(Ziva gives Tony a look and clicks the pointer she’s holding in his face.)
Tony: I think I see something. A shadowy something. Down there.
McGee: Your turn.
Tony: I am the Jedi Master. You are the Padawan Learner. (points toward the stream) Closer. Closer.
McGee: I can't get any closer.
Tony: (grabs McGee's shoulders) I've got you.
McGee: You've got me?
Tony: I'm holding you.
(McGee makes move toward stream, loses balance and falls in)
Tony: See, I told you I saw something.
Abby: Gibbs, it was underwater and covered in mud.
Tony: McGee found it with his butt.
McGee: Director Vance I’ll need the password to your voice-mail account.
Vance: (writes it down) For your eyes only.
McGee: Yes, sir.
Vance: And the messages from my wife, not for your ears.
Vance: I’m going to need to be kept in the loop on this.
Gibbs: I’ve been on this case less than twenty-four hours. When I get something concrete I will let you know.
Gibbs: Abby what are you doing?
Abby: A boundary has been cross. I’ve been violated. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Gibbs: Yeah? Tell me.
Abby: Someone stole my cupcake.
Abby: There is a thief amongst us and I’m going to find out who and they’re going to be sorry.
Gibbs: Do you think you could pull yourself away from this long enough to focus on the murder?
Abby: She reads her horoscope every day, as do I. Today it said I was going to have a positive encounter with a co-worker. Not going to happen.
Tony: …but my source at the Pentagon says he’s still a player.
Ziva: Who is your source?
Tony: Jerry the barber.
Ziva: (half laughs) A barber?
Tony: Yeah. … Barbers, manicurist, shoe shine guys, they’re invisible. People talk in front of them like they’re not even there.
Gibbs: (slams his desk drawer and grabs his coat) No one leaves here until I get back.
Tony: Okay, now I’m officially curious.
McGee: There must be hundreds of those in the Metro area.
Abby: Twelve hundred and sixty-seven, open your mouth.
McGee: What? Why?
Abby: I need a DNA swab.
McGee: What’s this about?
Ziva: Someone stole her cupcake.
McGee: No, this is an invasion of privacy.
Abby: McGee I will get your DNA one way or another.
Tony: Do what the woman says. She sleeps in a coffin.
Abby: (takes swab) Thanks. (turns to Tony) You’re next.
Abby: You cannot have my cupcake and eat it too.
Gibbs: You’re not serious?
Abby: Dead.
Ducky: I can give you a preliminary cause of death.
Gibbs: Asphyxiation.
Ducky: Well, yes, it is rather obvious isn’t it? Would you care to venture the time of death?
Gibbs: A little after ten this morning.
Ducky: I’m not feeling very needed.
Vance: You got an opinion?
Gibbs: It doesn’t feel right. We were handed the gun and the confession. It was too easy.
McGee: Hey. You looking for me Tony?
Abby: No, I am. Do you think I’m an idiot?
McGee: No.
Abby: What you thought I wouldn’t figure it out?
McGee: What is she talking about?
Ziva: The cupcake.
Abby: You stole it from my refrigerator. I have forensic evidence. Your big fat fingerprint.
McGee: Oh come on you think I’m that stupid? Look, if I was going to steal your precious cupcake I would not leave a fingerprint on your refrigerator.
Abby: You didn’t. You used latex gloves. Brand new box McGee. Only prints, mine and yours.
McGee: You said you were going glutten free.
Abby: Where is it McGee?
McGee: I was saving you from yourself Abby.
Abby: Where did you save it McGee?
McGee: Okay, I ate it. It was late, I hadn’t eaten since lunch, the machine in the break room was empty and it looked so good.
Tony: (hugs McGee) What were you thinking McGee? She’s a world class forensic scientist. (Head slaps him)
Ziva: I bought the cupcake for Abby. (Ziva head slaps him)
Abby: So, how was it?
McGee: It was life changing.
Vance: Would have appreciated the heads-up before the arrest.
Gibbs: You covered good. Trust. Loyalty. They’re important.
Vance: Guess you know all about that after today. How do you think we’re going to do in that department?
Abby: McGee, I will get your DNA one way or another.
Tony: Do what the woman says.She sleeps in a coffin.
Episode 6.04 "Heartland"
Talking about the ring in evidence.
Tony: It might give us more than that. Stillwater High School.
McGee: That’s supposed to mean something to us?
Tony: Stillwater High School. In all the time you two spend staring at computer screens you never once peeked in the man’s file? Come on!
Abby: (giving Tony weird look) Who’s file?
Tony: Stillwater is a small town in Pennsylvania. Coal country. Primarily known for the mine, but only slightly less well known as the birthplace of one Leroy Jethro Gibbs. This guy is from Gibbs home town.
Ducky: From Mozart to mayhem...
(Tony, standing at Gibbs desk and spinning his chair)
Tony: My mind is spinning with questions, I mean have you ever thought about it? He actually came somewhere, he didn’t just appear you know? He didn’t just start Gibbs, he was a boy and then he grew...
Ziva: I thought he was moulded from clay. Had life breathed into him by a group of mystics.
McGee: That’s funny I thought he fell to earth in a capsule after his home planet exploded.
McGee: Road trip!
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: On your six boss.
Gibbs: Follow up with the Taylor family.
Tony: (crestfallen) But I…on it.
(Ziva and McGee follow Gibbs into the elevator. As the door closes…)
Tony: I hate you! Take lots of pictures!
Tony: He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh...
Ziva: He burst forth full grown from the mind of Zeus.
McGee: Printed out directions, Boss.
Gibbs: Yeah? I know how to get there, McGee.
McGee: So...when was the last time that you went home?
Gibbs: I make it a point to go home every night.
McGee: I mean, when was the last time you went to Stillwater?
Gibbs: I just joined to Corps...Summer...76.
Ziva: What was it like when you left?
Gibbs: Ohhh...a whole lot of fanfare....fireworks....parades...might have been the Bicentennial.
Jackson: My name’s Jackson.
Ziva: Ziva.
Jackson: Ziva. Well Ziva it looks like you dropped something.
(Ziva bends down to pick up the twenty dollar bill Jackson dropped. He stops her.)
Jackson: Whoa. Kind of tells a story doesn’t it? A twenty dollar bill’s just a piece of paper in your wallet. You put it on the ground and suddenly it’s full of wonder.
Ziva: Context can change a thing.
Jackson: That it is. I’ll bet back in Israel you were considered a pretty girl. You step one foot in my country and instantly you’re an exotic beauty.
Ziva: When did we start talking about people?
Jackson: Well if the ‘I’ in NCIS is to be believed, you’re observant enough to realize that all this is a pretext for engaging a young woman in conversation.
Gibbs: Word travels fast.
Jackson: That is does. When people actually open their mouths and speak with one another. You don’t call. You don’t write. Were you going to come by and say hi?
Gibbs: Hi, Jack.
Jackson: Hi. Leroy.
Gibbs: Ziva, McGee. Jackson Gibbs, my father.
Jackson: I always make it a point to return home after every adventure, unlike some people. Does he ever talk about me, my boy?
McGee: I think I heard him refer to you once as dead.
Ziva: Ugh…you probably misheard him McGee.
McGee: I think she’s right, he probably said Dad.
Jackson groans.
Ziva: Nice save McGee.
Jackson: He spent all his time out in the garage working on some project...we didn't even have electricity out there.
McGee: (whispering to Ziva) I can see it.
Jackson: Let that be a lesson in parenting...tell a kid you can't have a rifle and he ends up a sniper.
Jackson: Now where are you going? You’re not going to walk up there and start accusing people are you?
Gibbs: I thought I’d drive.
McGee: Uh, boss. We’ll wait here.
(Gibbs gives them a look then gets in the car with his father.)
Ziva: I’ll call Tony.
McGee: I’ll call Abby.
(They run back into the store.)
Ziva and McGee: Gibbs has a father!
Tony and Abby: Tell me everything!
Ziva: Gibbs is very different around him.
Abby: Different how? Different bad? Different good?
McGee: He's like a teenager. Sort of.
Tony: Okay. I'm coming. I'm going. I'm leaving.
Abby: Me too.
McGee: I’m impressed with your Internet savvy Tony. How’d you find that?
Tony: I used Google.
McGee: Not so impressed. Gibbs probably could have done that.
Jackson: Boss? You make them call you that? He’s not a boss… Are you a boss Leroy?
Jackson: Everybody’s always lying to you all the time, can't you ever take things as you see them.
Gibbs: I see people lying to me.
Jackson: You were such a happy child.
Jackson: You can do that? You can tell what I’ve been looking at?
Ziva: What have you been looking at?
Jackson: None of your business.
McGee: Good morning Gibbs. Gibbs-es.
Jackson: You give people a chance and they might surprise you.
Gibbs: That’s what worries me.
Jackson: In fact we haven’t talked since the funeral, I adored that wife of yours and I adored that child too. I always figured it was Shannon who sent me the Christmas cards…
Jackson: Leroy, what did I do at the funeral?
Gibbs: You mean other than showing up with a date?
Jackson: I always thought that your mom and I had a love story for the ages, I never regretted giving up the skies, working underground everyday in the mines, I wanted to give you that white picket fence dream.
Gibbs: And you did.
Jackson: When your Mother died, I know how mad that made you, I know how you hated me for getting on with my life..i saw the look in your face, how you wanted vengeance…That look went away when you met Shannon, but it came back quick after they died…I know what that meant, you were gonna find someone to take it out on…didn’t matter what I said…
Gibbs: It never did…what do you see now?
Tony: We have a problem. Only one car.
Jackson: I got a car.
Gibbs: (in response to Jackson's question of what his job is like) Well, it’s like what you do.
Jackson: Selling groceries?
Gibbs: No. You like to tell a story.
Jackson: I’ve been known to spin a yarn or two.
Gibbs: Well most of mine start with a dead body. You look in to how they got that way they come back to life. Meet the people they knew. See what they try to tell you. See what they try to hide.
(Tony gets out of the car grimacing and rubbing his arm.)
McGee: Pass a lot of Volkswagen beetles on your way up?
Tony: Abby cheats at punch buggy.
McGee: I know.
Abby: (After she finished explaining what she did with the DNA) It’s not that complicated Jack.
Jackson: I meant it’s a wonder Leroy gets any work done surrounded by such beautiful women.
Abby and McGee: Shotgun.
Abby and McGee: Called it first.
(Race to car, Ziva is already sitting in the front.)
Abby: It was so nice to meet you. (Abby hugs Jackson.)
Jackson a bit flustered looks at McGee.
McGee: She’s a hugger.
Tony: Jack, I’ve gotta know some things. I’ve got a lot of questions.
Gibbs: You can have two DiNozzo.
Tony: Where do I start?
Gibbs: You’ve got one left.
Tony: Well that doesn’t count…okay. The rules? Did he learn him from you? Did you teach him the rules?
Jackson: Sorry son, I didn’t teach him much of anything.
Jackson: I know you hate it when I use a hundred words when a few will do, but give us a call some times.
Gibbs: It’s the least I could do.
Jackson: Goodbye son.
Gibbs (embracing him) Bye Dad
Young Gibbs: Are you waiting for the train too?
Shannon: Yes.
Young Gibbs: We could sit together.
Shannon: But I guess you’re not a lumberjack.
Young Gibbs: No.
Shannon: Well I have a rule. It’s either rule number one or number three, never date a lumberjack.
Young Gibbs: You’ve got a rule for everything?
Shannon: Working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What’s your name?
Young Gibbs: Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Shannon: I’m just going to call you Gibbs.
Young Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.
Shannon: I’m Shannon.
Sheriff: (to Gibbs) You know, if you had a little tennis ball buzz cut, instead of that salt and pepper, you'd remind me of this skinny little wise-a** I used to know.
Tony: So many questions! My mind is spinning with questions! I mean, have you ever thought about it? He actually came from somewhere! He didn't just appear, y'know; he didn't just start Gibbs, he was a boy, and then he grew!
Ziva: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics!
McGee: That's funny, I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule, after his home planet exploded!
Ziva: (laughs) No, he burst forth- full grown, from the mind of Zeus!
McGee: Nice.
Tony: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh! He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here! You want to be clever? I can be clever.
Gibbs: (enters) Just a matter of time, DiNozzo.
Episode 6.05 "Nine Lives"
Ziva: "No wonder he's keeping his cards close to his breasts."
Fornell: I'm too old for this crap!
Fornell: What's this?
Tony: The number of mine locksmith. He is very good, especially with bathroom windows
Ziva: I am normal people!
Tony: You're normal people like the people from "Ordinary People" are normal people.
Tony: Why would one friend withhold information from another?
Ziva: Maybe that friend felt it was the best thing for everyone.
Tony: Best for everyone or best for herself? (Ziva looks at him)
McGee: Her?
Tony: Or him
Tony: I don't speak Hebrew, but I'm pretty sure you just swore. What happened? Your Men of Mossad calendar get lost in the mail?...Women of Mossad calendar get lost in the mail?
Tony: Gibbs versus Fornell. It's like Frazier-Ali or Rocky versus...everyone
Tony: What are you McDoing, McGee?
McGee: Working on Kale's phone records.
Tony: Thought you already McDid that.
Tony: See that prefix right in front of your face? That is Boynton Beach,Florida, my friend.You know what they got there? Sun, sand, old people.
Tony: I like to get to the bottom of things.It's my specialty.
McGee: You lose something there, Tony?
Tony: Just my ability to snoop around Ziva's desk without anyone noticing anything.
Ziva: Then a car containing Azari and an associate pulled onto Atchison.
Tony: My ninja. I'm Azari.
Ziva: Why you?
Tony: Azari's got swagger, flair, panache.
Ziva: But I'm the assassin.
Tony: Style over substance.
McGee: Think Fornell would lie to Gibbs?
Ziva: If he felt he must.
Tony: Says the woman who's being evasive to her friends about her vacation to Israel.
Ziva: I am intrigued be how intrigued you are by this Tony.
Tony: And I am curious that you are curious that I am intrigued. What's his name?
Ziva: I do not believe I said I was actually seeing anyone. Although it would be very difficult to go to Israel and not see anyone at all. It is quite populated you know.
Tony: Ah, that's cute. I don't see why you're having trouble admitting this. You know, you were in Israel for four months, plenty of time to hook up with someone.
McGee: That amount of time, Tony would've hooked up with several someones.
Tony: Hey.
Ziva: What is it you really want to know Tony?
Tony: Depends, Ziva.
Ziva: On?
Tony: On what it is you don't want me know.
Gibbs: You made a mistake.
Fornell: No, a mistake was marrying your ex-wife.
Fornell: (to Gibbs) I haven't seen you with that look since I proposed to your ex-wife.
Tony: Nesiah tova.
Ziva: See you next week.
Episode 6.06 "Murder 2.0"
Tony: Run for your life Probie. Run.
McGee: What are you doing?
Tony: Just trying to save your life.
McGee: What did you do?
Tony: Why is it always me? Well that’s a good point, but in this case—
Ziva: McGee!
Tony: Too late.
McGee: Why is she sitting at my…
Tony: You’re on your own Probie.
Ziva: McGee, get in here.
Tony: Plea temporary insanity. It’s your best bet.
Ziva: What did I tell you McGee?
McGee: Uh…about what?
(Ziva gets up and drags him over to his computer screen where there are the pictures of her in a bathing suit, from Judgment Day)
McGee: Uh…
Ziva: I told you to destroy those. Twice!
McGee: I did. No I did. I...I…um…Tony! Tony must have—
Ziva: You did not erase those photos did you? Admit it and I will spare you one of your eyes.
McGee: I did not erase those photos.
Ziva: Give me your hand.
Gibbs: Better than losing your eye McGee.
Tony: What do we got?
Gibbs: What do we got? We got a…that’s a good question DiNozzo.
Tony: “My mother isn’t quite herself today.”
(Ziva looks at him)
Tony: Psycho.
Ziva: You certainly have your moments.
Tony: Hmm looks like their night was ruined.
Ziva: I am going to ruin McGee’s whole year.
Tony: Don’t you think you’re being a little uptight about this photo thing?
Ziva: No, seriously what do you think he’s doing with it?
Tony: I would rather shave my eyeballs than contemplate that.
Tony: “Mother! Blood, blood.”
Ziva (to Gibbs): Psycho.
Gibbs: He has his moments.
Abby: Um Gibbs. Primitus Victor. It’s Latin. It means first victim.
Gibbs: Yeah, I know Abs.
McGee: Yeah two years ago he donated sperm.
Tony: Ah, the things people will do for money.
Ziva: You donated your sperm.
Tony: Didn’t do that for the money. Just to enrich the world. So Boss, I talked to security at Quantico.
(McGee makes upset sound.)
Tony: Oh sorry did I interrupt? Let’s see who boss likes better.
Gibbs: Ziva.
Tony: …but how do you drag a dead guy through two miles of water?
Gibbs: It was frozen.
Tony: No I was going to say a James Bond submersible sled from Thunderbolt, but frozen is good. Float him right in.
Tony: On your six boss. Hey you haven’t forgotten about that screen saver, Ziva?
Ziva: Actually I had. Thanks for reminding me.
Tony: What are friends for?
Tony: Everything okay boss? You seem kind of quiet (pause) -ter than usual.
Vance: Do I need to tell you Sec Nav is already breathing down my neck?
Gibbs: If it’ll make you feel better.
Vance: Sec Nav is already breathing down my neck.
Ziva: If you’re done I suggest we start with cause of death. Radiation poisoning.
Tony: Drowning.
McGee: Killer Nun.
(Ziva and Tony turn to stare at McGee)
Tony: Wow. Maybe we should try location.
Ziva: Some kind of bombing range.
Tony: Anchor-age-Alas-ka.
McGee: Convent.
Tony: Is that were they keep the killer nuns?
McGee: Look all I’m saying is some of the nuns I knew could get extremely agitated.
Gibbs: Tell me you’ve got something other than agitated nuns?
Tony: Nice girl. Wasn’t my type though.
Ziva: Really? She was breathing.
Tony: Ha! Well I have standards Ziva otherwise I’d be dating you.
Tony: It makes a coincidence and I don’t like coincidences.
(McGee falls flat on his face after trying to run through glue.)
McGee: Again with the glue?
Abby: Consider yourself lucky. It was either that or hydrochloric acid.
Tony: Jany-cam. That’s a new one.
Abby: I’ve never been this scared in my whole life. Except when my stalker ex tried to kill me and when my insane assistant Chip had me at knife point and when McGee’s crazy fan put a gun to my head that—
McGee: We got it Abs.
Vance: You must have really pissed somebody off.
Tony: It’s not a short list. Of people that…that you’ve angered just because you have rock solid principles and so it’s easy for people to misunderstand that and misconstrue…you know people don’t—
Vance: Why don’t you quit while you’re behind DiNozzo.
Tony: I’m trying.
Abby: I have two questions. This video is different from the others. Why?
Gibbs: Okay. What’s your other?
Abby: Can I stay with you tonight?
Ducky: This is a fascinating individual Jethro.
Gibbs: I can think of another word for it.
Ducky: Yeah crazy. The precise term is narcissistic personality disorder.
Gibbs: Oh yeah, well I’m familiar with that too.
Ducky: Yes, but where Agent DiNozzo has a obsessive need for admiration, he has empathy as well, something our killer lacks.
Abby: I'm so sorry Gibbs.
Gibbs: It's not your fault Abby.
McGee: Did you try both together?
(Realization dawns on Abby’s face)
Abby: You are God amongst men.
Tony: Ahh well that explains the savvy with the nose pick from hell.
Tony: Sears Tower, Chicago.
Gibbs: Moscow.
Ziva: Rio.
Tony: Death by jetlag?
Gibbs: The clue’s not the city. The clue is the snow.
McGee: I’m not a God among men, you are. I’ve got it. Now my CPU is too small.
Tony: I’m going to let that slide.
Ziva: We will go. If you were the intended victim this might just be a way to lure you out.
Gibbs: And it’s working.
Tony: Really wish you’d stayed in the car, Boss.
Gibbs: DiNnozzo would you shut up or I’m going to shoot you.
Killer: NCIS. I know I should have gone with the FBI. It’s a cliché, but look at what you get for trying something different.
Tommy: …but Tommy Doyle he’s going to be a household name by the 10 o’clock news.
News Caster: Authorities say the cybervid killer is in custody. However citing possible links to terrorism officials are not releasing his identity…
Tony: Yeah that’s gotta hurt. All that for a question mark
Tony: (about a serial killer) Someone wasn't hugged enough as a child. \
Ziva: Admit it and I will spare you one of your eyes.
Episode 6.07 "Collateral Damage"
Ziva: You are fortunate recruits aren't allowed to carry guns.
Tony: I don't know if you noticed Ziva but she and they don't exactly want to shoot me.
Ziva: Give them time.
(when ribbed by McGee regarding recruits)
Tony: I am just doing my best to teach and inspire where I can, when I can. Mc Kill Joy.
(Ziva getting irritated because she's having a hard time controlling the video being reviewed as McGee hovers over her)
McGee: No, you went back too far.
Ziva: I got it.
McGee: No, you went back too far.
Ziva: That's why I'm going fast forward now.
McGee: Ok, just let me do it. Let me do it, please. OK? You handle this like you handle your car.
Ziva: And if you want to handle anything EVER again, remove your hand from my mouse.
Ziva: If you want someone dead, you knock on their door, they answer you shoot them. Easy.
Tony: Lies make my ear's itch.
Paul Harris: See, I don't need to rob a bank. I'm about to marry one.
McGee: Tony's still hitting on the new recruits, huh?
Ziva: Ignorant, hopeful and eager to please.
McGee: What recruit isn't?
Ziva: I was not talking about the recruits.
Tony: Yeah, rule #13: Never ever involve lawyers. Things are bound to turn nasty.
Dwayne: I'll remember that.
Tony: You should. Gibbs has been divorced three times. He has seven rules that involve lawyers. None of them are very pretty. You don't need to know 'em all just #13. It's the umbrella rule.
Vance: Our agents should look more like McGee than they do DiNozzo.
Gibbs: More like you than like me.
McGee: (to Wilson while watching Tony in interrogation) Tony has his own style.Sort of Dirty Harry meets Keystone cop.
Agent Wilson: How's Gibbs to work for?
Tony: What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet, like a werewolf? They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. It might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.
Episode 6.08 "Cloak"
Tony: You read me, snowman?
Gibbs: Sit tight, bandit.
McGee: I've got to ask you this. Did you order a dead body?
Ziva: What is this place?
Guard: It's classified.
Tony: Classified. What you got in there? Aliens? Big Foot? Arc of the covenant? (Guard looks impatient) That only leaves one thing...
Ziva and McGee: (in unison) Unicorn.
Guard: What is your clearance?
Tony: About 6 foot 1 and a half. Why you got low ceilings?
Tony: (In response to the guard asking how many trucks they had) Well you have already met Widow Woman (Ziva) and Spider Mike (McGee) here, Rubber Ducky (Ducky) makes it a great big convoy. Park it right there Love Machine (Palmer). We are going to be rocking through the night here Smokey (Guard).
Gibbs: DiNozzo, would rather not.
Tony: East bound and down Snowman (Gibbs) Bandit (Tony) out.
Ducky: As you’re so adept at reading my mind, what do I want now?
Palmer: (pauses as he studies Ducky's face, then says with British inflection) Privacy.
(Ducky asks Gibbs why he’s hanging out in autopsy)
Gibbs: Just killing time.
Ducky: Would you like me to perform an autopsy on your watch?
Tony: (referring to McGee) I think the freshman’s having a senior moment.
Gibbs: (to Tony and Ziva) Get in. Get the intel. Get out. Nobody gets hurt.
Tony: (To Ziva, in the elevator) It’s dinner theater for an audience of one. When's the curtain go down...
McGee: Stop acting weird.
Abby: I am weird!
Vance: Take Miss Sciuto into custody.
Palmer: Guys, I've got kind of a confession. Michelle and I sort of had a clandestine... we kind of dated for a while.
Tony: We know.
Palmer: You do?
McGee: Jimmy, I'm sorry your girlfriend turned out to be a Cylon.
Abby: You lost a body?
Palmer: I didn't lose him. No! He was - stolen, and that's not even the weirdest part. We showed up at the crime scene and there he was. I think Gibbs had something to do with it. And - and Dr. Mallard looks like he wants to kill someone. I don't want it to be me. So
[tries to move past Abby] I'm going...
Abby: You cannot hide here!
[shoves him out of her lab]
Palmer: Please!
Abby: No!
Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?
Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.
Tony: I'd like to go up and give Vance a piece of my mind.
Ziva: The way you're losing it, I don't think you have enough to spare!
Tony: I'd take that toothpick of his and shove it up the SecNav's cigar.
Ziva: You have had enough of this job, then.
Tony: I like the job. I don't like the politics. Wasn't kidding about that part earlier.
Ziva: If you had ever had some military training, then maybe you would have learned to follow orders.
Tony: What, like you? We were given a direct order not to engage. I recall that you were the first one to throw a punch.
Ziva: It was a reflex!
Tony: Hmm. Really? Then what happened after? The last thing I remember before the lights went out was you Kimbo Slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Ziva: Yes! It was! Gunshot went off. I saw you -- [long pause]
Tony: I'm tired of pretending.
Ziva: So am I.
Vance: I'm sorry to pull you out of it, sir. It was unavoidable.
Davenport: Oh, I love the Russians. Their cold, calculating approach to this business makes me feel positively sentimental in comparison. Do you have a light? [Gibbs lights his cigar. SecNav looks at Gibbs.]
Davenport: Gibbs, isn't it?
Davenport: When the vacancy was created at the top of your agency, you induced me to give you this post. The deal was simple: Get your house in order!
Episode 6.09 "Dagger"
Tony: I smell a non-fat soy double-cross latte.
Gibbs (to Lee as he grabs her arm): My show. My call. My car. Now.
Tony (to Lee): It’s a restricted area. You’re not invited.
Gibbs: Her rope got shorter.
Vance: Lucky she’s not hanging by it.
Tony: Maybe that’s the plan.
Ziva: What plan?
Tony: Exactly.
Tony: Don’t worry, McScout, we got our Mossad hunting dog. Bark once for yes. (Ziva growls)
Tony: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?
Ziva: Just because you work with someone everyday does not mean you know everything about them.
Tony: Really then I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...(Ziva cuts him off)
Ziva: I meant, I understand someone wanting to keep personal and professional lives separate. As should you. It did not end very well when you fell in love when you were undercover did it?
Tony: Thanks for the memory.
Ziva: Ready for a hike?
Tony: Can't we drive? (Ziva heads off through the woods) If we end up hanging off Lincoln's nose this is really gonna suck!
Tony: (who is lost in the woods with Ziva, speaking to McGee) McGPS, are we close to anything?
Tony: (referring to dead body) Looks like the help’s been fired.
Ziva: She was counting the days with her lunch. Brave girl.
Lee: What do you want me to say?
Tony: I don’t want you to say anything. Had enough of your lies.
Tony: (to Lee) Home. Now. Get your things.
Tony: You’re so naïve, McGullible.
(Tony wipes at McGee’s face)
McGee: What are you doing?
Tony: Removing the wool she’s pulled over your eyes.
Abby: Like the first time you put your feet in Jell-O weird.
Vance (in response to Abby wondering if he’s doing a Gibbs impression): No, I’m doing Vance.
Abby (to Vance): Well, women can be criminals too. Like Agent Lee.
Abby: Oh, Leon. (sees at Vance’s expression, looks chagrined) Too soon for the Leon?
Vance: Mmm-hmmm.
Tony (to Gibbs over the headset): Heads up, the Invisible Man is back.
Gibbs (to Lee): You should have come to me as soon as this happened. Before you murdered two men!
Vance (to McGee): You and Gibbs have just committed treason.
Tony (about Gibbs in bar during stakeout): Look at him. The man’s an artist.
Tony: What the hell is this?
Ziva: Computers.
Tony: (sarcastically) I’m glad you’re here.
Tony: (on phone, thinks he is talking to McGee) Hey, Probie, what I am looking at?
Vance: (has taken McGee’s phone from him) A career in the fast food industry.
Vance: Lee a hero or a villain?
Gibbs: Both.
Amanda: Thank you for helping me with my drawing Ziva.
Amanda: Where's Michie?
Tony: Define 'lost', McGee. I know exactly where we are. We're between a tree and a bush, directly underneath the earth's sun.
McGee: Well you're not showing up on the map, let me restart the scan.
Tony: You might wanna hurry. Ziva's turning in circles; either the trail's gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.
Episode 6.10 "Road Kill"
McGee: I'm not even gonna ask.
Ziva: Allow me. What are you doing, Tony?
Ducky: (talking to the corpse) This is getting like a Greek tragedy. Did you know that legend has it that in 456BC a vulture mistook a man's bald head for it's prey, and dropped a stone on it? Killed him instantly. Yeah, the unfortunate fellow became known as-
Gibbs: The father of Greek tragedy.
Ducky: I had no idea you were familiar with the classics, Jethro.
Tony: My current rank in the air guitar competition is up with a bullet to second.
Ziva: Oh, you must be so proud.
Tony: You're jealous
Ziva: Because you can air guitar?
Tony: Because you can't.
Ziva: Tony, I have told you that I like to have fun in more adult ways.
Tony: Reading.
Ziva: Yes. Reading.
Tony: Look, everybody enjoys a good book but don't you ever have the urge to just act a little...
Ziva: Childish?
Tony: Silly. Stupid. Brainless.
Ziva: Like you?
Tony: Exactly.
Ziva: Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you grow up. Fast. You have no choice.
Tony: Now you do.
Tony: Sorry Ziva, we don't talk about Fight Club.
Tony: I smell road rage.
Ziva: And I smell Big Wong.
Tony: What did Shmeul Rubenstein do to deserve the wrath of Ziva?
Ziva: He said he liked me.
Tony: *shocked*
Abby: I'd pay a lot of money to see the right bout, like Leroy Jethro Gibbs, versus...
McGee: Ziva.
Abby: No McGee, I was thinking like Terminator.
McGee: Which model? TX? T1000?
Abby: All of them. Gibbs terminates.
McGee: Alright, how about Gibbs versus Godzilla?
Abby: King of the Monsters, toast.
McGee: Monthra?
Abby: Wingless in a nano-second. Come on McGee, give me something fierce, bossman's got mad skills.
McGee: Alright... ooh ok, what about Gibbs versus Gibbs.
Abby: Uhhoo that's good, so its like evil twin, clone.
Tony: Uh... follow the blood trail. (Ziva goes off through trees) Wait for me, Pocahontas
.
(Tony is taking his picture on his computer)
McGee: I'm not even going to ask.
Ziva: Allow me. (to Tony) What are you doing, Tony?
Tony: Best deep in thought face
Ziva: I guess there's a first time for everything.
Tony: Nailed it. All right, Strawdog24. Beat this one. Yeah, baby.
McGee: (reading the website name) Ibeatyou.com. The place to compete online with anyone at anything.
Tony: Yeah. It's very fun. Very addictive. Look at this guy. Best air guitar. Look at that guy. Best 'do the Hustle'. (McGee goes back to his desk) I mean, you name it, they got it.
Ziva: The Hustle?
Tony: The Hustle.Satuday Night Fever? Travolta. (mimics dancing)
Ziva: What is the point?
Tony: What is the point of any dance? It's about letting loose. It's, you know, having a good time.
Ziva: I meant the web site, Tony.
Tony: It's... fun. It is... amusement. Light-hearted pleasure.
Ziva: I know what you're doing. I know how to have fun, Tony.
Tony: Really? Do tell.
Ziva: The Hustling and the deep thinking photos. Those are all just, you know, Child's play. Tell him, McGee. (they both look over when McGee doesn't answer)
Ziva: McGee? (McGee is making a weird face)
McGee: Uh, I'm just working on my best psycho face here.
Tony: It's not bad, Probie. Just need to work a little bit more with the eyebrow. See what I'm saying? (helps him perfect his face) See how that reads? See that?
McGee: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
: That's what you want.
Gibbs: (entering) Would you two like some time alone together?
McGee: Uh, no, boss.We were just.....
Ziva: Acting like children.
Tony: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Episode 6.11 "Silent Night"
Abby: Merry Christmas Tiny Tim!
Ducky: It's a sixpence.
Abby: What does it have to do with Christmas?
Ducky: Everything, Abby. It's a tradition. That coin has been baked, or steamed actually, into every Mallard Christmas pudding since the 1850s. It brings good fortune and luck in the coming year to whoever finds it on their plate.
Abby: Assuming they don't choke to death on it.
Ducky: Sadly, with no extended family here, I've let the tradition lapse.
Abby: Next year, Ducky, you and me, we're gonna make Christmas pudding.
Ducky: I'd like that.
Abby: I like everything about Christmas. Except for that Chipmunk song. And shopping. I hate shopping. I never know what to get anyone. Especially Gibbs. What do you get for the guy that has nothing and wants nothing?
Ducky: (As Gibbs comes in the room) Some squeaky shoes.
Ziva: She pretty?
Tony: Gorgeous. She was perfect, okay? Witty, smart… That was twelve years ago. She’s had two kids, God knows what she looks like now.
Ziva: So… What happened? Tony doesn’t answer but continues staring out the window.
Ziva: You ever, um, regret not having a wife and kids, especially during this time of year? Hanukah is all about family. Is it not the same with Christmas?
Tony: I’m gonna go check out the guy in the blue hoodie.
Ziva: It is a woman!
Gibbs: (as he and Quinn look at the Vietnam Memorial Wall) No matter how many times I come here, it still gets to me. You look at a name, and you have to look at a reflection of yourself. You are among the fallen.
Quinn: Yeah. Difference is, you can leave. The names don't.
Ducky: Something wrong, Jethro?
Gibbs: Fingerprints found at a double homicide yesterday belong to a Petty Officer who's supposed to have been dead seventeen years. (hands Ducky a file) His death certificate.
Ducky: Oh dear. (chuckles) Someone's in trouble. (looks at the certificate) I signed it?
(Gibbs makes a phone call)
Jackson Gibbs: Hello?
Gibbs: Merry Christmas, Dad.
Jackson Gibbs: Merry Christmas, Son.
Quinn: (Gibbs has driven Quinn to his daughters house) To much time has passed.
Gibbs: If I one wish for Christmas Day, it would be to hug my daughter. That can never be. But you have that chance.
Quinn: Thank you.
Abby: I don't know what to get anybody. What do you think Tony needs?
Gibbs: An attitude adjustment.
Abby: Gibbs, you're not helping.
Episode 6.12 "Caged"
McGee: Look, 2 days ago you told me my car would be ready yesterday and the bill was $270. Then yesterday, you told me my car would be ready today and the bill was $300. Now you;re telling me my car will be ready tomorrow?......How much?
Tony: 1 octave or 2?
Ziva: 2.
McGee: (with an elevated voice) $600?!
McGee: That's it! I'm finished! I'm done, alright! You want to know who killed Trimble, figure it out youselfs!
Inmate: ( to Lopez) See what you did!
Lopez: (pulls out a knife) Maybe you'll think differently if I tool your ear!
McGee: Look I've never hit a woman, but if you come at me with that thing I will drop you!
Tony: You okay, McGee?
McGee: Yeah.
Ziva: Did any of them hurt you McGee? I will kick their butts.
McGee: (answers his phone) McGee.You told me my car would be ready today.
Tony: One octave or two?
McGee: Listen up, because this is what you're going to do.You're gonna take the first estimate and reduce it by ten percent.Then you are going to find my part, install the part, and have my car parked out front and ready for me when I walk out of this building in thirty-two minutes.
Tony: Wow! Who knew McGee would grow a pair in a woman's prison.
McGee: I put away killers for a living.That's what I do.Now you do exactly as I told you to do and we won't have any problems, understood? Good.Clocks ticking. (Hangs up the phone)
Abby: Wow, McGee your time in the big house really changed you.I like it.
Ziva: There is no doubt in my mind you will get that confession, McGee.
McGee: Thank you, Ziva. (leaves)
Tony: He's toast, isn't he?
Ziva: Oh, yes. Burnt toast.
(Tony and Ziva walk into Abby's lab)
Abby: They haven't hurt McGee, have they?
Ziva: We have not heard anything.
Tony: (holds evidence box) Got something for ya, from the department... now we need to clear this stuff by sunset.
Abby: Define 'before sunset'!
Tony: Before the sun goes down. (Abby grabs the box and heads to table)
Abby: The sun sets at around 5:02. So, does that mean we have until five oh one?
Ziva: Before... sunset.
Abby: That could be now. Not good enough! I can't take this. Every time you guys go out, and.. I don't know if you're gonna make it back...and, developing this weird little, twitch....
Ziva: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby: Then get a safer job.
Tony: Then you wouldn't see us at all...
Abby: True. Still... sucks!
McGee: What?
Tony: It's just, you gotta have the stuff, be tough, know when to bluff.
McGee: So, I have to be a really bad poet?
Tony: I call my style 'Tough-Bluff'. It's hyphenated.
McGee: Really? 'Blow Hard' seems more appropriate. That is not hyphenated.
Tony: I'm guessing that you got more than your fair share of wedgies as a kid.
McGee: I can be tough when I have to be. (Tony and Ziva give him a look) What?
Ziva: Nothing. I mean, you do have your... strengths.
Tony: And weaknesses, but remember that people can be loved as much for their weaknesses as for their strengths.
Gibbs: Well, then DiNozzo, you must be one very loved man.
Tony: Thank you for noticing, boss.
Ziva: She was not smiling at you Tony.
Tony: Ziva, some men can hit a baseball at 400 feet, other build rocket ships that sail to the stars; I can spot a woman's smile at 20 yards.
Ziva: Her name is Hannah and she's asked me out to lunch twice.
Tony: You?!
Ziva: Did your rocket ship just take a nosedive?
Tony: No it just landed on a different planet.
McGee: First thing- I'm going to have to find the murder weapon. I'm going to have to frisk you.
Woman Convict: Frisk who?
McGee: All of you. Who wants to be first?
Ziva: Get anything?
Tony: Yeah. An offer. Maybe his tech advisor on his next film. It's about a psycho sex-crazed cop.
McGee: LIfe and Times of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.
Ducky: (Examining a body) Cuts across the upper torso. He's been stabbed multiple times. (Ducky looks at a hand of the body) He's missing a middle finger. Appears to be sawed off.
Gibbs: The other hand too, Duck.
Ducky: [Ducky looks at the other hand) Anything else you care to tell me about this fellow, Jethro?
Gibbs: Dead 11 years.
Ducky: And?
Gibbs: And I know who did it.
Gibbs: [after getting a call] Maryland's Women's Prison! Let's go.
Abby Wait! That's where McGee is. Is everything okay?
[Gibbs stares at her]
Abby: Everything's not okay.
[Gibbs moves past her]
Abby: Wait! What happened? Gibbs!
Gibbs:[Gibbs goes back to Abby] Abby, I'll call you. All right?
McGee: Well, you seemed to have taken responsibility for you crimes.
Judy: It's a mixed blessing. First few years here, I was angry at everybody. Blamed the world for my crappy childhood. Then I got in a Prison Program, training seeing-eye dogs. One day I'm training this puppy, and it hits me. I killed an innocent person who didn't do any harm... Now I can't wait until the day I die. So I can find that soul and apologize for the terrible thing I did... Look I don't know if Celia did what they say. But if she did, I don't know what it'll take for her to face up to it.
Episode 6.13 "Broken Bird"
Abby: Wanna talk knives?
Ziva: Always.
Abby: Ducky!
Ducky: Abby? Oh, how kind of you to visit.
Abby: Oh. They gave you morphine.
Ducky: Just a drop.
Gibbs: Duck, anything you remember? About the attack?
Ducky: Oh! My glasses! (Gibbs takes them from his pocket, opens them, and puts them on Ducky.)
Ducky: Oh, Sweetie! You held onto them for me while I went under the knife. It's ironic that the solution to one knife should be . . .. Mr. Palmer would, would you, uh, finish that thought for me?
Jimmy: Sure, Doctor.
Ducky: Oh! And you need to send for a substitute M.E. Uh, Jordan...
Jimmy: Dr. Hampton?
Ducky: Yes. On my desk you'll find her number. While I myself lay here getting much number. (chuckle) Nurse! More anesthetic! And don't spare the horses!
Abby: Okay. He's zonked out of his gourd and he's still playing with words. Impressive!
Abby: I heard about your shipment from home. I was kind of shocked.
McGee: Big surprise. I was a dork.
Abby: That's not what I meant.
McGee: You may not have noticed, but it took a lot of work to outgrown those awkward, geeky phases.
Abby: I like your geeky parts.
McGee: I do too, but I want to be more than just a walking search engine, you know? The tricky thing is adding the new layers. . .
Abby: . . .without losing some of the old ones. I get that.
McGee: Then what are you shocked at?
Abby: I can't believe you were a Mac guy.
McGee: (seeing a package on his desk) Oh, goody, they're here!
Tony: Goody? Who says goody?!
Ziva: What is it?
McGee: (pulling out an old computer) This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. She's my first!
Tony: This is going to get really strange, isn't it?
Ziva: Going to?
Gibbs: Mr. Kort, Agency's keeping you local?
Kort: Travel is touchy at the moment. I've made a few enemies overseas.
Gibbs: What? With your winning personality?
Kort: When you finally open that charm school, let me know.
Gibbs: I need a favor.
Kort: Gibbs, I don't like you.
Gibbs: That's okay, I don't like you either.
McGee: Why are you talking so fast?
Tony: Want to get a plan of attack together because according to my internal Gibbs clock, he's about to walk through that door right... Now!... Now!...
(Looks around for Gibbs)
Tony: Huh?
Ziva: Somebody's clock is off.
Gibbs: Are you going to make me ask again?
Ducky: I suppose it's inevitable. When we've reached the tipping point when your curiosity outweighs your courtesy.
Gibbs: What the hell's wrong with you Ducky? Your life is in the balance here! Huh? What did you do there?
Ducky: Only what was required of me.
Gibbs: Are you protecting this guy?
Ducky: I am protecting no one Jethro. Look if you intend to unravel strings further on this matter, I would prefer you leave them unpulled.
Gibbs: No.
Episode 6.14 "Love and War"
Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.
Ziva: You have to tell him the truth.
Tony: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.
McGee: We're trying to make a connection between Jennings and his killer.
Ziva: Brandon Sykes. But we hit a dead end.
Tony: No pun intended?
Ziva: Actually, it was.
Tony: Well, in that case, nicely done.
(Tony and Ziva are argueing on their phones at the same time)
Tony: I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!
Ziva: Four hours! That is how long I waited for the cable repair man!
Tony: You've already said that sentence!
Ziva: Four hours!
Tony: No, I will not reboot again! I will never reboot it again!
Ziva: Reschedual? So you can waste another Saturday?!
Tony: Just admit that you have no idea how to fix the problem and then we can both get on with our lives!
Tony/Ziva: (both slaming their phones down) Ugh!
Ziva: Someon will die today.
Ziva: It is nice when a couple has so much in common.Like McGee and his new sorceress friend.
Tony: Oh, yeah, I was gonna talk to you about that.It's kinda funny actually.Uh, lets see, how do I put this delicatly? Um, she......she's not real.
Ziva: You did not.
Tony: I did.I was bored, it was late, I just watched Weird Science.Next thing I knew I was building a fake online profile and IMing with McGee.
Ziva: He really likers her, Tony.You have to tell him.
Tony: I know.It's actullay kinda flattering in a creepy way.
Ziva: What's you think would happen?
Tony: I didn't know.The flaw in the plan was the plan.But I got another plan to end it.
Ziva: Which is?
Tony: You ever Fatal Attraction?
Tony: Speaking of love, how's the cyber romance going, McGee?
McGee: Couldn't be worse.She sent me another email, says she's getting back together with her ex boyfriend.
Tony: Oh.
McGee: Tell you what though, I'm not givin' up on her. (Tony looks at him) No, we got to much in common.I think she might be scared, but you know what, we can work through it.I'm tellin' ya' I think this girl might really be the one.
(Tony and McGee both reach for the last piece of pizza)
Tony: Take it.
McGee: Really?
Tony: Sure.
McGee: Thanks.Hey, listen, I hate to ask......
Tony: Sure, I remember.Forty dollars with interest.Sorry I took so long. (gives him the money and starts to leave) Alright, see you guys later.
Ziva: I didn't tell you so you could torture him, McGee. (he gives her part of the money) Very well.
Gibbs: What do you got Abs?
Abby: 1989's Christmas nightmare for every parent.The unattainable....
Gibbs: Beary Smyles.
Abby: My dad waited in line two hours for one on Black Friday.
Gibbs: Six......Christmas Eve.
Tony: It's like I said 'It's always the maid.'
Ziva: No. You have said 'It's always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to Abby's lab' But you have never once said 'maid'. Tony: Anyone ever tell you your memory can be a real buzzkill.
Gibbs: Who found the body?
LEO: A couple of kids in one of our warming huts, or as they like to call them--
Tony: Love shacks.
LEO: Yeah, how'd you know?
Tony: Lucky guess.
LEO: (sarcastically) Mmmh Mmmmh.
Tony: The sadness I hear when you talk like this. You don't know who these people are. It could be a 45 year-old overweight man in Minnesota. I mean like you said, you two haven't even met yet.
McGee: What part of 'Level 5 sorceress' don't you understand?
Gibbs: (Entering) All of it.
Tony: All right! One more time and I'm going to rip that Bear's head off!... AGAIN!
Beary Smiles: Gear up DiNozzo. Got a body in Quantico.
Tony: Don't mess with me!
Episode 6.15 "Deliverance"
Gibbs: Gang tattoos
Ziva: Or pecados Capitales
Tony: Capitol Fish
Ziva: Deadly Sins, you idiot. Fish is pescado.
Tony: Don't scoff at me. Lots of gangs are named after deadly fish. There's the Sharks, there's the Barracudas...Rumble Fish.
Franks: Got a plane to catch.
Tony: Eighteen years ago.Columbia.Gibbs was doing drug interdeiction down there.Tomas is eighteen, from Columbia.Knows Gibb's Marine Service Number.
Franks: Question.
Tony: Is Gibbs Tomas's father?
Franks: Tell Probie, 'thanks for the lend'. (hands his tie to Tony and leaves)
Tony: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva: You need a secretary.
McGee: Or a therapist.
Gibbs: Or both!
Ducky: You've never left the scene of a crime before I arrived until this case, Jethro.
Gibbs: Yeah, had something else to do.
Ducky: Something to do with your Marine Corp Service number?
Vance: (enters) I was wondering the same thing myself... You're avoiding me.
Gibbs: I've been busy solving a murder, Leon. When I have something you'll be the first to know.
Gibbs: I've got nothing to hide, Leon.
Vance: Everybody's got something to hide!
Franks: Let me talk to that kid, I'll get him to tell us what the hell's going on here.
Gibbs: I'm afraid I can't do that, Mike. I let him go.
Franks: You what?
Gibbs: You wanna find something, you follow it. Learned that one from you.
Gibbs: It'll lead us to the truth.
Franks: (he scoffs) The truth.
Gibbs: Yeah! Which you should have told me seventeen years ago!
Vance: You just shot somebody Franks!
Franks: Yeah, all by the book Leon. Retired Agent involved shooting. That's still a form KJ-65, right? Nice talking to you Leon. (ends the call)
Abby: about Gibbs' service number being found at the crime scene) That's like shining the Bat-symbol and Batman showing up.
Tony: (about Gibbs) So he's down in Columbia, in Bogota, he saves President Clinton's life, but no one can talk about it because it's super-secret.
McGee: Clinton did not serve until '93.
Ziva: Stop obsessing!
Tony: I'm not obsessing. I'm a little preoccupied. I'm a tad fascinated by the whole subject, but I am not obsessing ... What was he doing in Columbia 17 years ago?
Episode 6.16 "Bounce"
(Gibbs phone rings.He hands it too Tony)
Tony: Yes?
Ducky: Jethro, come down a moment.....
Tony: Oh, hey Ducky.
Ducky: Tony?
Tony: Yeah, I'll be right down.
(Hands the phone back to Gibbs)
Gibbs: Keep it.
Tony: Ziva, I want all the transcripts from Remmy's embezlement file. McGee, Interveiws.If he worked with 'em, you're talking to 'em. Gibbs, good campfire.
McGee: We've got two embezlors.One of them trahsed, litteraly.Why?
Ziva: Maybe his parter got greedy and wanted all the money.
McGee: But the theft was three years ago.What took them so long?
Ziva: Well.......
Gibbs: Maybe he got scared.Found out his partner was going to meet the federal agent from the orinal case.It wasn't DiNozzo, but the killer didn't know that.So if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent.Maybe he's gonna flip on me.Can't if he's dead.There's your motive.We just need our killer.
Tony: (walking in) We may have found him. Abby just matched a print fom Renny's hotel room to one of his former co-workers.Carl Davis.
Gibbs: Gear up! (notices McGee and Ziva staring at him) What?
McGee: Nothing, it's just we've never heard you talk so much in a day, Boss.
Ziva: Or in a week!
Gibbs: Wasn't my job before.
Tony: Save the pep-talk.We both know I screwed up.
Gibbs: Yeah.Three years ago. And now you're making it right and me proud.You've been doing a hell of a job, Anthony.
Ducky: Haven't seen anything quite like this since Vegas, '99. Cirque du Soleil. Mother and I caught two shows in one evening. She's an admirer, to say the least.
Mr. Palmer: Aren't we all.
Ducky: Not like my mother. She had an infatuation for one of the tumblers. For quite some time.
Mr. Palmer: Mark or Ignazio?
(Ducky gives Mr. Palmer a look that's a cross between horror and disbelief)
Mr. Palmer: Yeah, I, I followed Ignazio's career for some time.
Gibbs: Why don't you quit while you're behind, Palmer?
Mr. Palmer: Quitting, sir. I will go get the gurney.
(Tony is sitting at his desk, mixing some concotion in a mug and looking run down)
Ziva: Good morning, Tony.
(Tony looks confused and after a moment pulls out an ear plug)
Tony: Oh.
McGee: Well, haven't seen that bad boy in while.You had a ruff night?
Tony: (after a moment) Yes.
McGee: (explaing to Ziva) Yes, the people from Tokyo, few of our counterparts were visiting from Japan.Director Vance had Tony show 'em around.
Tony: Sake Bombs.
Ziva: Oh, I see.
Tony: I barely made it out of there alive.
Ziva: (refering to the concotion) And now you hope to finish the job.
Tony: McGee, say words.
McGee: What you see before you Ziva is the DiNozzo Defibillator.It's been passed down through six generation.
Ziva: My family also has a hangover remedy.Jasmine tea with lime.
Tony: That's discusting.Remind me never to have a hangover in Isreal.
Gibbs: (entering) DiNozzo.....
Tony: Not that I have a hangover now, Boss.You know I would never drink on a school night.
Gibbs: Where were ya' last night?
Tony: Drinking.
Gibbs: You alone?
Tony: Of course not. (pause) Not that there's anything wrong with drinking Bourban alone in you basement with a boat.
Tony: McGee...
McGee: What?
Tony: Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.
Gibbs: On it, Boss.
Ziva: [to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?
Gibbs: No.
McGee: Rule number 38?
Gibbs: Mmm-hmm.
Tony: The burning Bed. 1984 Farrah Fawcett.
Gibbs: Torched her husband while he was sleeping. Second wife's favorite movie.
Tony: Maybe Commander Davis's wife is going for a sequel.
McGee: [he enters] H*** hath no fury...
Gibbs: Like a woman scorned. Third wife's favorite quote.
McGee: [Reading a note] 'Paid a Private Investigator to follow my wife. Just thought you should know what he found.'
Tony: The other husband how kind of him. What did they say?
Gibbs: Misery loves company.
Tony: Where did you get that? Your fourth wife?
Gibbs: Problems?
Tony: No, everything's peachy.Nothing I like more than putting an inoccent man in prison except of course, for getting him killed.
Gibbs: Hmm, Renny's dead? I hadn't heard that.
Tony: Save the pep talk, we both know I screwed up.
Gibbs: Yeah, three years ago....But now you're making it right....And me proud... You've been doing....a hell of a job, Anthony. Until about three minutes ago. Get your head on right.
Tony: What would you like me to do?
Gibbs: Trust your gut.
Tony: I think I'd rather trust yours right now.
Gibbs: [getting in Tony's face] Then give me my d*** phone back!
(they stare at each other a moment and Abby walks up)
Abby: Hope i'm not interupting anything and if i am I hope someone's gonna tell me about it.
(Tony and Gibbs stare at each other another moment) Tony: Watch'a got Abs?
(Gibbs gives him a proud grin)
Gibbs: (walking away) Checkin the road blocks, boss.
(About Tony interogation a suspect)
McGee: Betcha five bucks, Tony does the chair toss technique.
Ziva: Mm, ten he switches to strong silent.
Gibbs: Nah, twenty he's gonna do the picutre tear.
Tony: Three years ago when you took your Mexican sabbatical... intermission? It was a hiatus really.
Tony: Hey! Talk to me Abs. Here you go. (hands her a Caf-Pow)
Abby: Thank you, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby.
Abby: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby.
Abby: The room was luckily really clean. Because you know hotel rooms can be a forensic scientist's biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
Tony: Abby! I'm not Gibbs.
Abby: Yes you are. Because if you're not there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita sprained her ankle in the sixth frame and Mr. Giggles escaping...
Tony: Mr. Giggles?
Abby: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
Tony: I'm not Gibbs!
Abby: Ok. Tell me. I can take it.
Tony: He's just upstairs.
Abby: Wait! No I can't.
Tony: Rule thirty-eight.
Abby: Oh!
Abby: I am cooking up some awesomeness.
Tony: Awesome me!
McGee: Who'd wanna impersonate Tony?
Ziva: Perhaps Jack Nicholson. You know, impersonation revenge?
McGee: Or it's a frame-up.
Ziva: Jeanne Benoit?
McGee: Overseas. Maybe it was Trent Kort.
Ziva: Are you detecting a trend here?
McGee: Tony does have a way with people.
Tony: Don't believe the word he says. We've got motive, we've got opportunity.
Gibbs: Ahah.
Tony: I know. Why'd he come back?
Gibbs: It's a good question... Boss.
Tony: Boss?!
Gibbs: Was your case, wasn't it?
Tony: Yeah. You're not going back to Mexico, are you?
Gibbs: Your case, your lead.
Tony: Really?
Gibbs: Yeah. I think it's even a rule.
Tony: Well, that's my name, it's not my signature. But that's my name. And to think I almost made entire year without being accused of murder.
Desk Clerk: The guy did look a lot like you.
Tony: Not helping.
Desk Clerk: Was a little more fit though.
Episode 6.17 "South by Southwest"
Tony: (Unable to control horse going in a circle) I think he's lost a contact.
Sheriff Boyd: You know, you might want to let go of that horn, junior. Riding a horse is like making love, you've gotta realax and enjoy it.
Tony: Sheriff, I've got a strong feeling that you and I enjoy both activities in really different ways. No disrespect.
Tony: Can you get nerve damage on your buttox?
Gibbs: You're going to feel worse in the morning.
Tony: Don't say that, boss.
Cop: Special Agent Gibbs. Got a woman who insists on talking to you. Claims she's with NCIS. Real weirdo, wearing a Dracula cape and a dog collar. (chuckles slightly) Like she'd be with you.
(Gibbs looks over and sees Abby)
Gibbs: She is.
Cop: You serious?
Gibbs: Oh yeah, let her in.
Tony: Why don't we take the four-wheeler? You know, the rental.
Boyd: You can't get up there in a vehicle. Only way is horses.
Tony: (to Gibbs) Why don't we requisition a helicopter... Or not. If the government spent that kind of money every time we interviewed somebody, they'd go broke.
Boyd: The government is broke.
Ziva: You did not change when your books made you plush.
McGee: Flush. Thanks Ziva. But it really wasn't that much. Bought my car, bought some clothes. What was leftover I put in a hedge fund which just crashed.
Ziva: Sorry. So that is why you have been so distracted lately.
McGee: It shows, huh?
McGee: Boss, we got a problem. Barthomew Leming from OHS is here.
Gibbs: What's the problem?
McGee: It's the real Barthomew Lemming. The guy we've been dealing with is an imposter.
Episode 6.18 Knockout
Tony: John Patrick Shanley, who wrote and directed Joe Vs. Volcano, won an Acadamy Award for Moonstruck.He also wrote and directed the movie Doubt.Which came out recently, it's pretty good.But in the middle there, clearly, there was a goofy phase...
(Gibbs slaps him on the back of the head)
Tony: I forgot what that feels like.It's been a while since.....
Gibbs: I know.
Tony: physical contact.
Gibbs: I.Know.
Tony: You know? You know. Any advice?
(Gibbs slaps him again)
Gibbs: Snap out of it.
Tony: I have no response to that.
Abby: It's a bird feather, there were some stuck in his belt buckle as well. Maybe it got lodged when he was in the water. (shrugs shoulders)
Palmer: It's not likely he was shot by a bird.
Ziva: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Tony: You're never making me breakfast.
Gibbs: Abs, what do you got?
Abby: I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.
Gibbs: I wouldn't do that.
Abby: Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know of these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long the accumulated post mortem gases took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.
Tony: (standing up on desk, yelling) Excuse me! K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. (resumes yelling) I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.
(everyone goes back to work and Tony sees Gibbs standing next to his desk)
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my....You're going to say mind or marbles...
Gibbs: Job.
Gibbs: (in sign language) "Full background check".
Abby: (in sign language) "For you, anything".
Gibbs: (in sign language) "I love you".
Episode 6.19 "Hide and Seek"
Abby: It's kind of funny, a non postal worker going postal on a postal worker. Not funny like ha-ha funny, but funny like comically, absurdly, amusing funny. Like ironic. Comedy is-is very subjective.
Ziva: I do not know, Tony. It is a miracle of science.
Tony: It is! It's the weirdest thing! Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle? You must know this. McGeek! Why?
McGee: Not now.
Tony: If not now, when?
McGee: Two minutes, twenty-nine seconds.
Tony: What are you up to, McSneaky? <walks over to McGee's desk to see> Oooh! Robert Forgan hickory shafted hand forged irons. Aren't those the same clubs that Ducky has?
McGee: Had. I borrowed them and actually backed over them with the golf cart before I made it to the first tee.
Tony: Eeehh.
Ziva: Did you tell Ducky?
Tony: Are you kidding? If he told Ducky, he'd end up on one of his autopsy tables!
McGee: I'm going to tell Ducky once I successfully win a replacement set.
Ziva: Perhaps if you just explained . . .
Tony: That you destroyed a set of handmade clubs given to Ducky by some Scottish nobleman? Yeah. Good luck with that.
Gibbs: Time of death?
Ducky: Taking a liver temp was out of the question.
Gibbs: Uh-huh. Too much time.
Ducky: Not enough liver. I suspect coyotes. You know, when I was a child I used to love liver. Mother would cook the liver of almost anything.
Gibbs: Duck?
Ducky: Well, that was her favorite. I preferred calves liver. You know, ala veneziano with the onions.
Gibbs: Time of death?
Ziva: Tony!
Tony: Sh! In a sec. Securely hidden in the shadows the cunning marksman waits patiently for the proper time to strike. (slams on the enter key of his keyboard, whirring noises, and then manical laughter) You are looking at the proud owner of a vintage set of Robert Forgan hand crafted mint condition golf clubs.
McGee: That's impossible!
Tony: (puts his screen display on the plasma) Nothing is impossible. I'm a sniper.
Gibbs: Same exact set Ducky had?
Tony: $1,200 for the clubs. Um, let's say a $100 finder's fee, McGee?
Gibbs: Except Ducky's a righty.
Tony: Huh?
McGee: These are left-handed clubs, Tony.
Tony: Huh?
McGee: You just wasted 1,200 bucks.
Tony: No! (reads across the screen to left-handed) Oooh. (thinks for a moment) Maybe Ducky swings both ways? (no response) 1,000 bucks and they're yours!
McGee: Why would I buy a set of clubs that Ducky could not use?
Tony: Why? Oh gee, let me think. I don't know. Maybe because if you don't buy them I will tell Ducky that you destroyed his one-of-a-kind hand crafted hickory shafted vintage golf clubs.
Gibbs: I think you just did.
(camera moves back to reveal Ducky standing there)
Ducky: (audible sigh as he moves in to speak to McGee) Let's call it even, Timothy. That jazz guitar album that I borrowed from you?
McGee: My original vinyl pressing of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythms?
Ducky: Yeah. You were right. It was unique. It was original.
McGee: It was autographed. What happened to it?
Ducky: Good question. (turns and leaves)
McGee: I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle; I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.
Tony: I see a fish riding a unicorn.
Ziva: This reminds me of the forests I used to have fun in as a child.
Tony: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva: What, that Isreal had forests?
Tony: No, that you had fun as a child.
Ziva: Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves. Tony: I stand corrected.
Gibbs: How was the pawn shop?
Ziva: I hit a stone wall.
Tony: It's a brick wall.
Ziva: No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.
Abby: (about the music) If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.
(Abby walks in holding coffee)
Abby: Gear up.
(Team looks at her strangely)
Tony: You're not Gibbs.
Abby: There's a gun found, Navy based housing.
McGee: Abby that doesn't warrant a team call out. A, there are thousands of guns on the Navy base...
Tony: And B, you're not Gibbs.
Abby: Okay, what if I told you that the base MP's gave me the gun to test?
McGee: Doesn't warrant a team call out.
(team shakes their heads)
Abby: And the gun was found under a kid's bed. And it was loaded.
Ziva: Still does not warrant a call out.
(Abby sips coffee)
Abby: Ergh.And it was recently fired.
Tony: It's not a call out.
(Gibbs walks in)
Gibbs: You heard the lady, gear up.
(They all get up)
Abby: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip.
(hands over Gibbs coffee)
Abby: Only you can drink this swill.
Tony: It's just a gun at a Navy base, boss.
Gibbs: There's brain matter on the barrel, DiNozzo. Somebody shot someone in the head with that weapon.
Tony: You left that part out Abby.
(All leave except Abby)
Abby: That's right people, mush!
(Abby pretends to crack whip)
Zane: (about a shaped tree) There's Travis' naked woman!
Tony: (looking around) Where?!
McGee: (Speaking of a magazine) You know what my father would've done to me if he found this in my room?
Tony: Stolen it back?
McGee: Slap me in the side of the head with it.
Tony: That sounds vaguely familiar.
Abby: (imitating Gibbs) Ziva, pull case files from Norfolk PD. Find out who bought that gun.
(Ziva dosn't move)
Gibbs: You heard her.
(Ziva looks at Gibbs, then at Abby and does as he said)
Abby: I could get used to this.
Gibbs: (as he passes her) Don't.
Gibbs: Something on fire?
Abby: No. I'm just burning sage to take the hex off the gun. It's got some bad mojo. And I want to get rid of it before the babies are born. (Abby sighs) It's an evil gun, Gibbs. This gun... kills people.
Gibbs: Abs...
Abby: I know what you're going to say, guns don't kill people, people kill people. But this gun kills people!
Ziva: Why is it always the case that when two people struggle over a gun, one person never shoots the other? The gun miraculously just goes off.
Gibbs: Abby said it was an evil gun.
Episode 6.20 "Dead Reckoning"
Abby: It's playtime, McGee.
Abby: Please don't fire me Gibbs. Or send me to jail. But if I could pick, I'd choose fired. Or not.
Tony: In a tragic story of obbsesive hobbying turned deadly a NCIS agent was discovered in his basment crushed between a large homemade boat and a even larger bottle of bourbon.Film at 11.
Tony:Oh we're taking tips from Trent Kort.Why don't we just run with scissors or talk to strangers maybe they have some candy
Trent:Go to hell DiNozzo
Tony:Feels like we're half way there.
Trent: Status on the Borealis.
Tony: It's a boat and it's missing.Status on you is you're really irrating I wish you were missing.
Tony: I see your lips moving but all I hear is lie lie lie.
Tony: That visitor's badge only gets you in the lobby. It's not a backstage pass. I tell you what, though. What you can do is run downstairs to the gift shop and get yourself something nice--like a mug, or a t-shirt, or a personality.
Kort: Need another gun?
Tony: Actually, we're out of vests but you can go commando if you want.
Gibbs: DiNozzo, get in the damn car!
Tony: Getting in the car, Boss!
Perey: Any word on my immunity?
Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help. You might want to try vitamin C or echinacea. OH, you mean YOUR immunity? No!
Tony: Maybe he had an appointment: doctor, dentist. Check his calendar McGee
McGee: ...No. Soon as I start going through his stuff, he's gonna walk in a catch me. Forget it!
Ziva: I cannot believe it. I'll do it!
(Starts to go to Gibbs's desk, then pauses)
Ziva: Tony, watch the elevator. McGee the stairs. Now!
Tony: (about to track Gibbs's cellphone) Where is he?
McGee: Forget it he's gonna know.
Tony: How would he?
McGee: Because he knows everything.
Ziva: McGee do it. We need to know he's okay.
(McGee starts the search and DiNozzo's phone rings)
McGee: Two block area of Anacostia.
Tony: (Checking the caller ID on his phone) It's him.
McGee: We're dead.
Kort: Keep me on a short leash Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yeah, and a muzzle if I have to.
Kort: I thought we turned a corner in our relationship. You asked me for something, I asked you for something.
Gibbs: I didn't ask you turn up dirt on Vance.
Kort: But you read the file anyway.
Gibbs: No. I don't waste time on fiction.
Tony: (Hitmen have arrived) We gotta go?
Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry: What's she gonna do?
Tony: You know, I don't really know.
Gibbs: Bank robberies from bad guys. Is that how the CIA finances their operations?
Kort: I'm just trying to get back in the starting line up.
Gibbs: It's possible you're more dangerous behind a desk.
Gibbs: You would've done things differently, Leon?
Vance: I would. I do...But in the last two minutes, you gotta let your quarterback call the plays. Nice win.
Tony: (to Ziva about Perry) I'm gonna kill this guy before Siravo does.
Abby: (discussing what is on a suspect's laptop) He was a killer gamer though! And he plays a boat load of sims. (looks at Gibbs) Translation video games. The rest is mostly spreadsheets, bank accounts, and porn. Spreadsheets and porn, that's two totally different things.
Gibbs: Yeah, I already know that.
Abby: Ok, I was just checking.
Abby: This is Caf-Pow country but yet there's no Caf-Pow anywhere.
Abby: (looking at a video game) Captains of Industry 3. The completely unnecessary third installment of the not so popular sequel.
McGee: (sarcastically) Capturing all the fun of being a corporate CEO and building your own business empire.
Abby: Not playtime, Elf Lord.
McGee: You got that right. COI3 was universally panned as '08's worst MMORPG.
Abby: It sucks! So why was Perry spending up to 7 hours a day playing it online.
McGee: He sucks.
Kort: Gibbs, what motivation would I ever have to mislead you? (Gibbs gives him a look) I respect that you're suspicious, caution is an asset in our line of work. Trust is elusive, at best.
Gibbs: No it's not, not between us- it's impossible. But I honor my debts.
(McGee walks into bullpen)
Tony: Oh, glad you could join us McTardy.
McGee: Where's the bossman? I need a superior to sign off on this.
Tony: Hand it over, I'm clearly superior to you in so many ways.
Episode 6.21 "Toxic"
Abby:(Walking into the observation room) Did I miss it?
Ziva: No he's letting him sit
Abby: SIT?! He gets a chair? He..he..kills bunnies!
FBI Agent: Abby Scuito?
Abby: Maybe?
McGee: (about a body) He looks cold.
Gibbs: Least of his problems, McGee.
McGee: Don't tell me she needs a root canal.
Gibbs: No.Fornell just calle.Abby's been.....reqested.
Tony: Requested?
Ziva: By.....?
Gibbs: He didn't know.He just said the FBI had orders to transport her.
McGee: Okay, I can access the FBI's operation's database.
Ziva: I have a contact in DOD.
Tony: BOLO on the FBI transport?
Gibbs: I don't know, I though maybe I'd just try calling her first.
Abby: Oh, I got Palmer's text about the vampire bite.I can't believe I'm not going to be there for that.Who are you going to get to fill in? Gibbs: Working on it.
Abby: Well, if you need anything before then, I keep a step-by-step Abby's Lab for Dummies in my desk.It covers the basics.A monkey could follow the instructions.
Gibbs: (looking at Tony) Good.Cause we got one of those.
Gibbs: That invitation extend to me too, Duck?
Ducky: Since when have you waited for an invitation? Don't answer that.I know you like to keep people on their toes.
Tony: (nodding to McGee) He'll clean it up.
McGee: We'll clean it up.
Palmer: They'll clean it up.
Abby: You'll all clean it up.
Jones: Agent Gibbs, I appreciate your concern for my missing colleague, but that's exactly why Miss Scutio has to stay here right now.You have to trust me on that.
Gibbs: I don't trust you.I don't know you!
Jones: I sympathsize with your position....
Gibbs: It's your choice, you either tell me what's going on or......
Jones: Or what? You'll threaten me?
Gibbs: Well, you know what? That depends.You consider a public investigation a threat?
Gibbs: Didn't build it to kill someone.
Tony: He built it to sell it.
Abby: Perfect.Hi, I'm Abby Scutio, international bioweapons dealer.
Ducky: ( to a body about Abby) You messed with the wrong forensic scientist.
Ziva: This is nice. Be able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It's almost as if he cannot go on for more than 30 seconds without hearing the sound of his own voice. You know the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.
Gibbs: Ziva.
Ziva: Yes, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Babbling.
Ziva: Oh.
Abby (to Major King): You look pretty good for a dead guy, except for the blood draining from your face.
Ziva: Tony, do you have to do that now?
Tony: It's spring. I'm spring-cleaning, so....yes!
Ziva: Spring-cleaning?
McGee: You don't have spring-cleaning in Isreal?
Ziva: We do not have spring. Israel is a desert.
Episode 6.22 "Legend Part 1 "
McGee: Tony, I'm not arguing with you.
Tony: You're arguing now.
McGee: No, I'm not.
Tony: Yes, you are.
McGee: This is not an argument.
Tony: Yes, it is.
McGee: No, it's not.
Tony: Yes, it is. (Ziva's phone rings) Hold on a second. (picks up the phone) Ziva's desk.She's not here.(Ziva walks in) Actually she is just walking in.(to Ziva) Man, deep voice,slightly accented, 6'3, two hundred pounds, Prada suit, italian shoes, standing on the north side of the street, looking for Ziva.
Ziva: (takes the phone) Thank you, Tony.
Tony: (to McGee) What were we arguing about before?
McGee: We were not arguing.
Tony: Oh, that.Yes, we were.
McGee: You understan that's what we were arguing about.The fact that you will argue about the least little thing, somethimes you argue about nothing at all, you just want to argue.
Tony: That's not arguing, McContrary.Com'on, have a little insight, it's called banter.
McGee: No it is not.Banter is light hearted, witty, repartary.
Tony: Go on.
McGee: It's your turn to get the coffee.Go.
Ziva: After out last trip to LA, I do not understand why you would think I would be such an eager platypus, Tony.
Tony: Beaver, eager beaver. Not platypus. (pause) Why does that bother me so much? Don't answer that! (Ziva's cell rings) Answer that!
Tony: Long distance can be hard. Tell a friend from Tel-Aviv?
Ziva: You're jealous.
Tony: I'm not jealous.
Ziva: Yes you are.
Tony: No I'm not, and I'm not arguing, boss.
McGee: Are to!
Tony: Am not!
Abby: Are you going somewhere?
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.
Abby: Into the lionesses den?!
Gibbs: (kisses her cheek) I'm taking McGee.
Abby: Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come back.
Gibbs: I'll bring him home, Abs. (leaves)
Abby: Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.
Vance: (Over an MTAC feed) You tell Gibbs to call me when he arrives.
Macy: You can tell him yourself.
(Gibbs enters)
Vance: Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hello Director Vance.
Vance: I know how excited you two are about working together. I told Sec Nav I have my best people on this case. A lot of nervous people at the Pentagon. Don't make me come out there.
Nate: (about Gibbs) You should have slept with him way back then. Whenever then was. I was probably in Elementary School, yeah.
Macy: How do you know I didn't?
Nate: I can tell you right now...
Macy: Don't answer that!
Nate: Okay. Cool.
Macy: You scare me.
Nate: Yep.
Macy: Leave.
Callen: Is there a reason we're not meeting in a bar right now?
Gibbs: Well yeah, it's 10 o'clock in the morning.
Callen: I don't know what's worse: getting older or getting wiser.
Macy: Why do you want to know?
Callen: Just looking out for my family
Macy: G, you don't have any family.
Callen: That's cold, Mace.
Macy: But true.
Callen: Gibbs is family... You too.
Callen: I'll just ask Gibbs about what happened.
Macy: Yeah, let me know if you do... I want to be there to see him sit you on your ass.
McGee: (about the tech equipment) Oh I really got to get one of these.
Sam:...You got problems.
Episode 6.23 "Legend Part 2"
(Abby's sitting at McGee's desk, which is now covered in balloons and decorations, when her cell phone rings.The ID says McGee)
Abby: It's him. It's Tim.He knows I'm sitting at his desk.
Tony: Tell him you're in your lab, he won't know.
Abby: Oh, he'll know, he knows everything.
Tony: He's not Gibbs.McGenious is smart, but he doesn't know everything.
Abby: (Answers the phone) Hi Tim.I'm not upstairs in the sqaudroom, I'm in my lab.I'm working.
McGee: Are you sitting at my desk?
Abby: Um...No.
McGee: Abby listen, last night you did a facial recognition search on Michael Rivken.Why?
Abby: What makes you think that?
McGee: You logged the seach.
Abby: I did? I did.
McGee: Did Tony ask you to do it?
Abby: (looks over at Tony who is now watching her curiously) Um, I'm not at liberty to say.
McGee: You are at my desk aren't you?
Abby: Yeah.
McGee: And Tony's watching you isn't he.?
Abby: Yeah.
McGee: Can I talk to Tony please?
Abby: Okay. (to Tony) It's for you you.It's McGoo.McGee, it's him. (to McGee) Sorry, McGee. (hands the phone to Tony)
Tony: (Trying to 'help' Abby) Ignore her, Probie.She's suffering from Gibbs withdrawl, transfering it onto you because of a deep seated fear that Gibbs may withold love and give her a first time headslap if he came back and saw his desk bestowed in balloons and decorated like some tacky tiki bar, with messges of affection written possibly in blood.She ain't missing you at all! In fact I can't think of a single person who's missing you.
(Abby gives him a thumbs-up for the help.)
Ziva: Are you jealous?
Tony: (pause) No. I'm worried. Because you don't seem to understand that your secret friend is interfering with this agency's ability to shut down a terrorist cell!
Ziva: Interfering? How is he interfering?
Tony: He's already killed two suspects.
Ziva: Well, in my country that would be cause for celebration.
Tony: You're not in your country and neither is he!
Tony: Are we fighting?
Ziva: If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.
Tony: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.
Macy: Officer David was sent back to Israel last year.
Gibbs: Are you asking me do I trust her? Because the answer is yes, with my life.
Nate: You worked a case together?
Macy: You could say that. It was a JAG-man investigation. A murder. I was the lead investigator.
Nate: And Gibbs?
Macy: Gibbs was the suspect.
Eric: Every phone call, credit card transaction, internet search, all swallowed up and stored on hard drives so people can troll them for personal information.
McGee: You mean like we're doing now?
Eric: Yeah, that's okay cause we work for the government. Got a National Security letter to prove it.
Macy: Where the h*** are you going?
Gibbs: I'll let you know when I get there.
Rivken: We fight the same fight. Only ours began at Auswitz.I have 6six million uniforms. Every one is different.
Gibbs: I got one.
(Rivki goes to his car)
Gibbs: Ziva David. She works for me.
Rivken: Shalom.
Episode 6.24 "Semper Fidelis"
Tony: Isn't that right Ziva? (Tony and Yates look around for Ziva) Where'd she go?
(Ziva is in the tree)
Ziva: A few branches are missing up here.
Tony: Oh.
Ziva: Clear view of the property, could study the view of the patrol pattern. They go in, he goes up, then he goes out...(Ziva points in the opposite direction to Tony and Yates) That gate. (Ziva's cell rings) Ooh. It's McGee.
McGee: Hey, Gibbs want you guys to come back.
Ziva: I'm up a tree.
McGee: Well, this might only confuse you further.
Ziva: Oh, well who said I was confused?
McGee: You said you were up a tree.
Ziva: I am.
Tony: Why is he calling you and not me, I'm the senior field agent.
Ziva: I don't know why he's not calling you Tony.
McGee: I did call him...
Ziva: He's not making any sense.
McGee: ...you're the one not making sense.
Ziva: He said he called you.
(Tony checks his phone)
Tony: I'm not getting a signal. How come you're getting a signal and I'm not?
Ziva: Because, I'm up a tree!
McGee: Oh...
Tony: Oh...We solve cases all the time like this.
Fornell: Heads of the CIA, FBI, ICE.
McGee: That's a full bowl of alphabet soup, huh?
Fornell: Not all of them.Which letters you got on your badge, McGee?
McGee: So what did Fornell and Gibbs have to say?
Yates: They were just apologizing for implying that I might be a murder.
McGee: You're kidding? They were?
Yates: Yes.
McGee: Both of them?
Yates: That so shocking?
McGee: Well, uh, you know, might take a---a while to fully grasp the significance of that.
Yates: Okay, explain it to me.I've got no plans.
McGee: All right.Did Gibbs actully say the words 'I'm sorry'?
Davenport: You and Leon gotta play nice.
Gibbs: You ordering me to trust him?
Davenport: Just to follow him...We don't hit our brothers.
Abby: The bug stomp. Classic movie move. Sounds like a Tony.
McGee: Nah. It was a Jules.
Abby: A Jules? What is a Jules? I'm going to have a word with this Jules if we ever have the good fortune of meeting.
McGee: I'd like to be here for that.
Gibbs: 'Intelligence summit?'
Fornell: Seems like a classic contradiction in terms. Don't give me the look. I didn't know.
Gibbs: You had suspicions?
Fornell: Because you had suspicions. I'm riding shotgun here, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Mind if I borrow it?
Fornell: Go easy, Hoss. She was just doing what she was told.
Abby: You probably know some kind of... martial arts or something, huh?
Yates: When I was in High School, my mother was the ambassador to Bangkok. I fell in love with Muay Thai.
Abby: So if I tried to scratch you eyes out... you could probably break my fingers.
Yates: That would be a mistake. You need your fingers to fix the bug.
Abby: (she walks away, and says quietly to McGee) And in my own lab.
(Tony is watching Ziva leave)
Gibbs: Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.
Tony: I would never date a coworker, Boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you even... (sees Gibbs smirking) That's twelve. Eleven... when the job is done, walk away.
Tony: Ladies and Gentlemen, the amazing Dr Donald 'Ducky' Mallard. The first and only M.E. under the big top.
Ziva: This is turning into a circus.
(FBI arrives)
Tony: Here come the clowns.
Gibbs: Medical examiner's here.
Davenport: Great. NCIS takes the lead. Supported by FBI, ICE. CIA can go home. My house, my rules.
Gibbs: [Gibbs and Fornell barging unannounced into Leon's office.] We need to know what they were discussing.
Vance: Please come right in.
Fornell: It's crucial to the investigation.
Davenport: Suppose it goes to motive.
Gibbs: [Quickly turning around, sees SecNav.] Yes it does, Mr. Secretary.
Gibbs: NCIS wasn't represented.
Davenport: I was there.
Davenport: [After Gibbs hands Davenport Leon Vance's unopened CIA file previously given to Gibbs by Trent Kort]. Well, let's see what the CIA's got on Leon Vance ... I thought we shredded all these. [Quick shot of the same page that Leon shredded from his own file at the end of last season.]
Davenport: How does this thing keep finding its way into the open? It's not even real. Lucky you didn't read this. Wouldn't give you the whole picture anyway.
Gibbs: And you will?
Davenport: Yeah, I know. Since Director Shepard's death, you've been concerned with the danger of having the wrong person at the top. Well you're not alone. You're not the only one looking out for the integrity of NCIS. Leon's going to be point man in a major operation.
Episode 6.25 "Aliyah"
Officer Hadar: Agent DiNozzo, please, ride with me. I insist. It will allow us a chance to get to know one another.
Gibbs: I am gonna see him again, right, Leon?
Ziva: Officer Hadar will not harm him. Only two people have the authority to do that.
Vance: Your father's one. Second?
Ziva: Me.
Vance: "How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart-ass attitude back in DC?"
Gibbs: "You should have checked his bags."
Tony: "Ok. Stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just want to clarify - I'd had a couple of cocktails and what can I say? Sometimes I get a little chatty."
Dir. David: (to Ziva) "When did you start wearing so much makeup?"
(Tony walks up behind Ziva)
Tony: I had no choice.
Ziva: That is a lie.
Tony: Why would I lie to you, Ziva?
Ziva: To save your worthless ass.
Tony: From who? Vance? Mossad?
Ziva: You jeopardized your entire career, and for what?
Tony: For you. He was playing you, Ziva.
Ziva: For some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?
Tony: I did what I had to do.
Ziva: You killed him.
Tony: If I hadn't, you'd be having this conversation with him, but maybe that's the way you'd prefer it.
Ziva: Perhaps I would.
Tony: Okay, why don't you just get this out? You wanna take a punch? Take a swing? GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM! GO AHEAD! DO IT!
Ziva: Be careful, Tony. Because much like Michael, I will only need one.
Tony: And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead. It's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.
Ziva: You took advantage of him.
Tony: He attacked me! What was I supposed to do?!
(Ziva knocks Tony to the ground on his back)
Ziva: You saw a glass table, you pushed him back, you dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass, bloody, gasping for air.
Tony: I guess you read my report.
Ziva: I memorized it! You could have left it at that, you could have walked away. But no, you let him up, you put four in his chest.
Tony: You weren't there.
Ziva: You could have put one in his leg.
Tony: You...weren't...there.
Ziva: But I should have been!
Tony: You loved him.
Ziva: I guess I'll never know. (Ziva walks away, leaving Tony laying on ground)
Abby: And that's not all, Gibbs. We were able to decrypt Rivkin's email accounts. Which was only half the battle, because it was in Hebrew. And Hebrew is hard.
Eli: My daughter speaks very highly of you.
Gibbs: She's a good agent.
Eli: Liaison Officer.
Gibbs: She's one of us.
Eli: So she tells me.
Gibbs: (refering to Tony who's in interrogation) So's the guy in there.
Eli: With traffic I wasn't expecting you for another hour.
Ziva: I drove.
Eli: Enough said.
Eli: Agent DiNozzo, my sincere apologies for your wait.
Tony: It's okay.I dig hanging out in concrete bunkers, especially after twelve-hour plane rides in cramped quarters.
Eli: Your sarcasim is noted.
Tony: So's your shirt. Nice style. What is that? Zenya? Kavalli? Got good taste.
Eli: I'm not certain how my apparel applies to your visit.
Tony: And I'm not really certain how you can classify my visit (pause) as a visit. All right, just so we understand, this is what I do for a living. I interrogate people all day long, so I know all the tricks of the trade and nothing you do is going to intimidate me.
Eli: Interrogate? This is an assembly room. It's a place for mutual discussion. You have yet to see our interrogation room. But if you continue with your childish arrogance, I promise you, you will.
(Cut to Vance and Gibbs watching them in another room -- live feed on a TV screen)
Vance: How many times did I tell DiNozzo to leave his smart a** attitude back in DC!
Gibbs: You shoulda checked his bags.
Vance: I thought you said your boy was up to this.
Gibbs: You're the one who threw him to the wolves, Leon. Let him find his own way.
Vance: You call this a fight, he better start showing me something!
Gibbs: Take him off the team, he already has.
(Cut back to Eli and Tony)
Eli: Oh, Agent DiNozzo, what you need to understand is that I am very aware of who you are. Your achievements ... and your misjudgments.
Tony: Okay, stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just wanna clarify I had a couple of cocktails and, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little chatty.
Eli: Do you know who I am?
Tony: You're the Director of Mossad -- and Ziva's father. Although, I'm not sure which one's asking the questions.
Eli: Sometimes it is hard to separate. And it appears you have had difficulty separating your work from your emotions as well. You believed Officer Rivken was bad?
Tony: He killed an American agent.
Eli: An accident. Unlike his death, which was intentional. But what was behind that intent? Retribution for an agent you had never even met? You knew that Officer Rivken would be at Ziva's apartment. You went there to confront him. To provoke. And once again you blurred the lines, Agent DiNozzo, between your professional duty and your personal desires. You wanted Rivken out of my daughter's life, so you killed him. Isn't that the truth, Agent DiNozzo?
Tony: It's like I told you, Director. I went to Officer David's apartment at which time Officer Rivken attacked me. It was kill or be killed.
Eli: If that were true, my friend, you would be dead.
Tony: You wouldn't mind that would you? You send all your rogue agents to DC? Make it our mess? Huh? I guess I shouldn't be surprised about Rivken considering you did the same thing with Ari. And he was your son. Speaking of family, what kind of father would throw an out-of-control assassin at his own daughter? What kind of business are you running here? Everyone just runs around doing whatever they want?
Eli: (grabs Tony by the throat) They do as I say!
Tony: Rivken?
Eli: Always!
(Tony looks at the camera with a 'didn't I tell you?' look) (Cut back to Gibbs and Vance)
Vance: Well, I'll be damned.
(Gibbs gives him an 'I told you so' look)
Season 7
Episode 7.01 "Truth or Consequences"
McGee: I am not your home theater guy.
Tony: Don't be redonculous. Of course you're my home theater guy.
Tony: It's computers. It's your thing. If I had a thing I'd show if off all the time.
Gibbs: There's rules against that DiNozzo.
Tony: You don't trust me to be professional?
Gibbs: No casting couch.
Tony: (Telling the terrorist interrogator about replacing Ziva.) It might be easier to replace the drummer from 'Spinal Tap."
Tony: (about Leon Vance) Some people don't like him. Some people don't trust him. Some people want to replace him.
McGee: I've been thinking about buying some tight, red-leather pants. Something that really cradles my butt.
Tony: Abby Sciuto. NCIS resident forensic scientist. A paradox wrapped in an oxymoron surrounded by a contradiction in terms. Sleeps in a coffin. Really, the happiest Goth you'll ever meet.
Saleem: You change the world with rivers of blood.
Tony: Did you know in Arabic, Sahara means 'desert'? So really, the Sahara Desert is Desert Desert...lots of sand.
McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Abby: Words...lots of words...emotions...thanks for listening.
Gibbs: Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine.
Tony: (upon seeing Ziva for the first time) So. How was your summer?
Ziva: Why are you here?
Tony: Couldn't live without you, I guess.
Ziva: You should have stayed away.
Tony: Okay, tried. Couldn't. Just so you know, I've been given some kind of truth serum, so if there's any questions you don't want the answers to...
Tony: Wow. You guys have a whole little thing going on that I'm not seeing. But I get it. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Bob's your uncle. I'm hip. I dig it.
Gibbs: Good, 'cause I need volunteers.
Tony: I volunteer myself and Special Agent McGee for the secret fact-finding mission thingy that's not secret in the Sahara. What are you going to do?
Gibbs: You don't want to know.
Tony: Good talk.
McGee: (while driving through the desert) Thanks for volunteering me.
Tony: I thought you wanted to travel
McGee: Yeah, in my own time!
Tony: Are you crazy?! We can never afford this.
Tony: I'm the wild card. You know, the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it.
Tony: You have 30 seconds to live.
Salim: You're still bound. You're lying.
Tony: I can't lie. And I never said I'd be the one to kill you. Remember when I said my boss is a sniper?
Tony (to Ziva): Get over yourself.
Episode 7.2 "Reunion"
Tony: Ten hut! Like the army greens. We do investigate crimes in the Navy here, though. Nice smile. Good thing I have a strong ego, or I'd think you didn't like me.
Tony: *looking back at Agent Filmore* These details are classified, thank you!
McGee: No they're not.
Tony: They should be.
Tony: That's not bad for a guy who spent half of the last mission sleeping on the floor.
McGee: I was not sleeping on the floor.
Tony: Coulda fooled me.
McGee: She'll call when she's ready.
Tony: Last time I said that, I ended up tied to a chair in North Africa.
Agent Filmore: I had a hard time choosing the right adjectives. I couldn't decide between childish, juvenile, or just plain old annoying!
McGee: It's true.
Agent Filmore: And you! You know better! But you're so busy playing the faithful sidekick you just go along for the ride! Well, I've had enough. Make sure Agent Gibbs gets that.
Tony: Annoying.
McGee: Sidekick.
Gibbs: It's an old Buck Morris chisel.
Ziva: That is not for rescuing me. That is for leaving me in Israel. You're wondering if perhaps I rigged it to explode...
Gibbs: Nope. I was thinking that this is a really nice chisel.
Ziva: You were right...to leave me there.
Gibbs: I know.
Ziva: Well, the point is, now I do too.
Tony: Hey, you missed a shot there, sidekick.
McGee: I am not your sidekick, Tony.
Tony: And yet, you are.
McGee: No, I am not, because you're not the boss.
Tony: When Gibbs isn't here, I'm the boss.
Gibbs: Gibbs is here.
Tony: Hey, Boss.
Ziva: I was not sure what to say.
Tony: Well did it have to be said in the men's bathroom?
Ziva: I'm sure it had to be said.
Ziva: You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup, completely violating protocol.
Tony: And doubled parked.
Ziva: Yes, I noticed.
Ziva: (to Tony) What matters is you had my back. That you have always had my back.
Ziva: Hello Abby.
Abby: (turns music off and glares at Ziva) What the hell is wrong with you? How could you have doubted Tony, after everything you guys have been through together? You really think Tony killed Rivkin because he was 'jealous'?!
Ziva: Abby, please calm do-
Abby: You weren't thinking! That's right, you weren't thinking! Although... I suppose I could understand your initial reaction...you were in an emotional time for you and people act rashly - but to tell Gibbs you didn't trust Tony?! Which... I guess I could also understand, considering. I mean, he did just shoot your boyfriend. In your living room. To death. Alright, I'll give you that. But this is Tony we're talking about here; soft and goofy on the outside, and 100% rock on the inside! And after everything you accused him of, he risked his life to go save you! You should be ashamed of yourself!....Even though in hindsight, it's starting to make a little bit more sense now. But either way - the ball is in your court now! It's Tony one, Ziva zilch! It's your move, and it better be a good one!
Tony: I'm sorry, Ziva.
Ziva: No. It is I who am sorry.
(She touches his face and kisses his cheek gently)
Tony & McGee: You're under arrest.
Tony: You're a bad putty tat.
McGee: (sensing the awkwardness between Tony and Ziva) And...I'm gonna go do that...after I get a Nutter Butter....
Episode 7.3 "The Inside Man"
(Tony's cell phone barks)
McGee: That sounds like a dog!
Tony: Ah, you're such an easy mark.
McGee: You're such a child. All right, we got it.
(barking in the distance)
McGee: Got my tools . . .
Tony: Dogs, McGee. Dogs!
McGee: Yeah, right.
Tony: Real dogs! Get out of here! McGee! Big dogs! Big dogs!
McGee: You said there weren't any dogs!
Tony: C'mon! Oh, god. McGee! Get to high ground!
Abby: Ok, explain to my why we are doing this again. What exactly does Gibbs expect me to find?
McGee: You know Susan Grady in polygraph right?
Abby: Yeah. I I did a metal stress test on the steering wheel and the suspension mechanism, Negative. The computer analysis of the ECU; it recorded the vehicle pushing 1600 rpms at 110 mph when it rolled....
McGee: So you know Grady well enough to call her and find out why I'm retaking the test?
Abby: I already did a computer accident reconstruction....
McGee: I was completely relaxed I was thoughtful....
McGee and Abby: You're not listening to me!
Tony: Fraternization in the workplace. Never a good idea.
(Tony and Ziva look at each other)
Burns (on the plasma): . . . whose tragic was investigated by Naval Criminal Investigative Service which was quick to declare the death an accident.
Tony: It WAS an accident. Jack*ss. (he throws a ball of paper at the screen)
McGee: Is that pastrami?
Tony: Mmmmhmmm.
McGee: Can I have some?
Tony: Nuhuh.
McGee: Come on! You know I didn't have lunch!
Tony: Want my pickle?
McGee: I hate pickles.
Tony: I know...
McGee: (After Tony stuffs remainder of sandwich in his mouth.) I hope you choke on that.
Episode 7.4 "Good Cop, Bad Cop"
Gibbs:(to Ziva) Get to work, probie.
Gibbs: Are you superstitious?
Vance: I'm a little stitious.
McGee: I'm running a diagnostic on the virus you removed from my computer.
Tony: It's gone Probie. Get over it.
McGee: I can't even figure out how the virus got in the system. It wasn't an attachment. It wasn't a Trojan Horse. I can't quarantine the file...
Tony: Hey! I'm a hacker. I hack. (Grabs keyboard away from McGee.) We've got bigger issues. Ziva's in with Principal Vance getting paddled, or up a creek without one. We got a dead Marine, right? What do we got?
McGee: I'll tell you what we've got. We've got Marine Staff Sergeant Daniel Cryer. Recruited right out of high school.
Tony: Talk faster. Eliminate the dead air between your words. My mind absorbs things very quickly.
McGee (quickly): Received training at Camp Pendelton then shipped out on multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. Specialized in counter-intelligence. Immaculate record until six months ago. Unauthorized absence. Failed to report back to his fire base outside Kandahar. Stopped communicating with family and friends.
Tony: Take a breath. Have a keyboard. (Hands keyboard back to McGee.) Well done.
Ducky: Oh look at her. Look at the state she's in. I would have thought you'd wanted to be in there yourself, rather than having Vance interrogate her.
Gibbs: Don't you have some bodies to tend to, Duck?
Ducky: The evidence from the Damacles is being unloaded as we speak. Isn't this punishing her? I mean, you're not concerned that she might lie to you.
Gibbs: Eh, maybe it's tough love.
Ducky: You do know there are other kinds.
Ziva: How is my agent application coming
McGee: Trust my I'm working my magic, trust me Ziva when I'm though you will be...
(beeping noise)
McGee: Ooh code blue
Tony: Some ones been black balled
McGee: They gave you the red-flag
Ziva: What is blue, black and red?
Tony: Zebra in a blender
McGee: That's black, white and red all over
Tony: Newspaper
McGee: Penguin with a sunburn
Tony: Nun falling down stairs |
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