"Cake or death?" "Cake, please."
Eddie Izzard |
Imagining how a Church of England Inquisition might have worked
Guns don't kill people. It's those bullets ripping through the body.
Eddie Izzard |
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
Eddie Izzard |
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back; if someone argues with you, argue back - never give an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
Eddie Izzard |
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
Eddie Izzard |
I want to succeed in America where, unlike Britain, they do not regard ambition as being the same as eating babies.
Eddie Izzard |
I'm a one-man idiot.
Eddie Izzard |
That's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Sail halfway around the world, stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain." And they're going, "You can't claim us. We live here! There's five hundred million of us." "Do you have a flag?" "We don't need a flag, this is our country you bastard."
Eddie Izzard |
Women have this vast variety of lingerie, stockings and tights and different patterns, and shoes, with different-sized heels, in red and black, and skirts - short, long, with slits - push-the-boob things … there's so much around in women's things that is erotic. While men have: shirt shirt shirt jumper shirt jumper jacket jumper shirt jacket trousers trousers shirt trousers flat shoes.
Eddie Izzard |
You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.
Eddie Izzard |
Boy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
Eddie Izzard |
I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.
Eddie Izzard |
I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.
Eddie Izzard |
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
Eddie Izzard |
If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.
Eddie Izzard |
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
Eddie Izzard |
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard |
So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
Eddie Izzard |
They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'
Eddie Izzard |
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