- Most people are not particulary good at anything.
- If acting was hard for me, I wouldn't do it, it is something that I like to do.
- If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.
- When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
- Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
- I'm completely in favor of the separation of church and state. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- [March 1997] We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus -- is "bogosity" a word? It should be -- a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit.
- I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
- I'm not afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of falling from them.
- To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.
- Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".
- Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- [in his will, regarding his funeral] I wish no public service of any kind. I wish no religious service of any kind. I prefer a private gathering at my home, attended by friends and family members... It should be extremely informal, they should play rhythm and blues music, and they should laugh a lot.
- I enjoy criticizing on the basis of "It's you folks." Because I never felt a part of this, I never identified with a local group. I never belonged to any club, organization, or state. I love New York City, but that's a chauvinist thing. I suppose it's a belonging thing. I'm not proud of this country, I don't care what happens to it, I honestly don't give a shit if it all goes up in flames. Having that freedom just made the writing so much more fun.
- I collected autographs as a kid - not in any sort of hardcore way, but just by hanging around the stage doors. And I loved Danny Kaye. He was in the stage show at Radio City, and I went and I stood at that door for over an hour. It was a rainy, cold day - I wasn't in the direct rain, but it was very cold and it was getting dark. And I stood there and waited for Danny Kaye, and he came and I was the only kid there. And he walked right past me. He wouldn't even say anything. And I did my little rap, "Oh please, please, please . . ." And then later I see him with these UNICEF kids, with 30 of them sitting on his lap, and I knew he was full of shit.
- (On being fired from his Las Vegas lounge act in the the early 60s): I was fired for saying 'shit' in a town where the most popular game is called 'craps'.
- That's my job: thinking up goofy shit.
- Did you ever do this? Look at your dog and think of the saddest thing you can think of. It'll look like it's happening to your dog. All the sadness of the world is in the eyes of a dog.
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