 | Movie/TV title: Bruce Almighty
Character name: Bruce Nolan |
Quotes:
Bruce: So tell us mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Mama Kowolski: "Well, man from health department say he find rat pellet in our pastry but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle. But he shut store down. So, we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back."
Bruce: "Let's try that again, shall we? [New take] So tell me mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?"
Mama Kowolski: "So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?"
Bruce: "That's right, it must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces?"
Vol Kowolski: "I work in back. I see no smiles."
------------------------------
"B-E-A-utiful" |
"And thet's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News."
------------------------------
"You know, I think there might be something to this cookie line. All the greatest anchors have had their own signature sing-off, like Walter Cronkite. And that's the way it was. And that's the way the cookie crumbles. And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh."
------------------------------
"Yes, behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks."
------------------------------
Bruce: "How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?"
God: "Welcome to my world, son. You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know."
------------------------------
Bruce: "What is the deal-io?"
Grace: "We are having a blood drive."
Bruce: "Creepy. Needles. Yuck."
Grace: "Well, they need my blood. I have a very rare blood type. I am AB-Positive."
Bruce: "Really?"
Grace: "Mm-hmm."
Bruce: "I'm IB-Positive. I be positive they ain't touchin' me with no needle. I mean, it's just so..."
Grace: "Helpful and lifesaving?"
Bruce: "No, it's your blood. It's blood. Blood's supposed to stay inside the body. That's where it's meant to be. Besides, they stockpile this stuff in a warehouse somewhere. It's all frozen on ice, and they tell everybody there's a shortage."
Grace: "That's not true. Where did you hear that?"
Bruce: "From a very reliable friend of a friend of a girl whose sister's going out with someone very high up in the government. But for your own protection, I cannot discuss it at this time. Now, get up before they see us together."
------------------------------
Grace: "You need these more than I do."
Bruce: "What is these?"
Grace: "Prayer beads. The kids made 'em for me. They will keep you safe."
Bruce: "I hope they're powerful. I'm gonna need a friggin' miracle to get to work on time."
------------------------------
Grace: "Okay, Honey. Good luck. I love you."
Bruce: "Love, love, love, love, love, love."
------------------------------
Ally Loman: "Irene's mother rode on the maiden voyage."
Bruce: "Wow. Rub that in my face, why don't ya?"
Ally Loman: "Ninety seconds!"
Bruce: "Ninety seconds? Holly hell. Uh, yeah. Okay. Ninety seconds? Whoo."
------------------------------
Bruce: [breaking out of a freeze] "Hi, Susan!"
Grace: "Oh, thank you, God."
Bruce: "Bruce Nolan here, aboard the Maid of the Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York. First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber... Pardon me. Bastard. Baxter, rather. It is good to see what someone with real talent can do when great opportunities are given to them instead of me. Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom. Tell me. Why did you throw the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic? Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were safe, floating on the big door? Could you have taken turns, or were you just too afraid to freeze your big, fat ass off?"
Grace: [gasps in disbelief]
Bruce: "Hmm. I guess that's how life is, isn't it? Some people are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat with a stupid hat, while others are in a comfy news studio, suckin' up all the glory. Oh, well. No big deal."
Control Booth Operator: "Oh, boy."
Bruce: "Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist. Lets's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill. No, no, no, no. No, no. Come on. Let's have a talk."
Grace: "Come on. What are you doing?"
Bruce: "Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now. Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?"
Bill Ferry Owner: "Hey, man. I don't want any problems. I don't want..."
Bruce: [messes his hair] "Is it my hair, Bill? Are my teeth not white enough? Or like the great falls, is the bedrock [shouts] of my life eroding beneath me? Eroding! Eroding! Eroding!"
Jack Baylor: "Cut the feed."
Control Room Operator: "Go to black."
Control Room Operator: "I'm on it."
Bruce: "Hehe, I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!"
------------------------------
[after being thrown out of the station] "That is perfect. That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you. Thank you, W.K.B.W.! Wimpy Kiddy Baby Whiners! That's what that stands for! I'll see you on channel 5, where they do the real news"
------------------------------
Grace: [after Bruce was attacked by hoodlums] "Well, thank God you're all right."
Bruce: "Yeah, let's thank God, shall we? For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait, that's not rain!"
Grace: "Bruce, please don't do that, honey, you know that everything happens for a reason."
Bruce: "See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush."
Grace: "Oh, I see. So, so, God is picking on you, is that what you're saying?"
Bruce: "No, He's ignoring me completely. He's far too busy giving Evan everything he wants. [the dog pees on the chair] Oh, that's great, Sam, but you missed your target. I'm over here!"
Grace: "Don't get mad at the dog. It's not the dog's fault."
Bruce: "No, it's God's fault. He gave him the wrong coordinates."
Grace: "All right. You know? Enough. All right. Will you stop being such a martyr?"
Bruce: "I am not being a martyr. I'm a victim. God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!"
Grace: "Alright, sweetheart, I know that you're mad, it's completely understandable, what Evan did was slimy and wrong, but this day could have been so much worse. I'm just glad you're okay."
Bruce: "Okay!?. News flash, I'm not okay. I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment! I'm not okay with a mediocre life!"
Grace: "So is that what you think that we have? A mediocre life?"
Bruce: "Don't make this about you."
Grace: "About me? How could I make this about me? It's about you. It's always about you."
Bruce: "Perfect. Perfect. I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt, please!"
------------------------------
"Fine! The gloves are off, pal! Come on. Let me see a little wrath. Smite me, O mighty smiter! You're the one who should be fired! The only one around here not doing his job is you! Answer me!"
------------------------------
God: "Bruce, I'm God."
Bruce: "Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer? Our survey says, 'God!' Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing! Well, it was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the apocalypse. Oh, and by the way, you suck!"
------------------------------
God: "You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce, and quite frankly, I'm tired of it."
Bruce: "Wait. Don't come near me. Seriously, when I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal. I don't want to hurt you, but I will, out of instinct."
God: "You haven't won a fight since grade five, and that was against a girl."
Bruce: "Yeah, but she was huge. She had been held back."
God: "And the sun was in your eyes"
------------------------------
"Holy sh...cow"
------------------------------
Hood #1: "Oh, look. It's the hero."
Hood #2: "What's up homie?"
Bruce: "Yo, brethren, what up with thee? Blessings on your alley."
Hood #2: "Looking for another can of whoop-ass?"
Hood #3: "You didn't get enough, Mr. Hero?"
Hood #4: "He wonts some more."
Bruce: "Surely I say unto you dudes, I do not wish to fight. So as soon as you apologize and make a full reckoning of your transgressions, I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness." |
 | Movie/TV title: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls
Character name: Ace Ventura |
Quotes from Pet Detective:
Gruff Man: [aggressively] "What do you want?"
Ace: "HDS, sir, and how are you this afternoon? All righty, then. I have a package for you."
Gruff Man: "Sounds broken."
Ace: "Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though."
------------------------------
"LOOO-HOOO-ZUH-HER!"
------------------------------
Ace: Melissa it's ace!
Melissa: Ace where are you?
Ace: I'm in Psychoville and Finkel's the mayor!
------------------------------
[mimicking Sean Connery]
"Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited."
------------------------------ |
Melissa: "Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson."
Ace: "Pleasure to meet you."
Melissa: "Did you have any trouble getting in?"
Ace: "No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle."
------------------------------
"Holy shitballs!"
------------------------------
"If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer."
------------------------------
"I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [a shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head] ...and a clean pair of shorts."
------------------------------
[as Captain Kirk] "Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER."
------------------------------
Melissa: "Ace, get out of the tank."
Ace: [talking like Scotty from Star Trek] "I just can't do it, Captain. I don't have the power."
Melissa: "I said, get out of the tank now!"
Ace: "For God's sake, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a pool man!"
------------------------------
Melissa: "I swear if you do anything to embarass me this evening... "
Ace: "What? Like this? [makes wierd noises and movements, Doorman answers the door] Aye, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard, sir!"
------------------------------
Dan Marino: Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum?
Ace: "That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs."
------------------------------
Ace: "Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the bathroom. [whispers loudly] I think it's the pâté."
Ronald Camp: "Sure, right over there."
Ace: "Thanks! Stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?"
------------------------------
Ronald Camp: [After Ace comes out of the bathroom soaking wet] "I'm so Sorry Mr. Ace, I'll have the plumbing checked immediately."
Ace: "See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed."
------------------------------
[Aguado squashes a cockroach to provoke Ace]
Aguado: "Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one?"
Ace: "Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 30 pounds... PORKIN' his wife."
------------------------------
Lois Einhorn: "What would you know about pressure."
Ace: "Well, I have... kissed a man."
------------------------------
Ace: [with a German accent] "How can I be getting zis vork done wit all de shouting? We're through wit de shouting!"
Reporter: "Who's That?"
Ace: "Heinz Kissvelvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me."
Reporter: "What happened to the other trainer?"
Ace: "Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am wit Siegfried. [he holds up only five fingers] Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming wit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone."
Reporter: [skeptically] "Where is Snowflake?"
Ace: "Why do you care about Snowflake? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? [shouts] Do you have a dorsal fin? To train ze dolphin you must zink like ze dolphin! You must be getting inside ze dolphin's head, and communicating. I am saying to Snowflake, "Akay!... Akay Akay Akay?" und he is saying "AKay Akay!" und he is up on ze tail "Eeeeeeeeee!" und you can quote him!" [Ace spits]
Roger Podactor: "Alright, it's almost time for Coach Shula's press confrence, uh, lets let Heinz do his work?"
Ace: [shooing reporters] "Go to de conference, go to it."
------------------------------
Mr. Shickadance: "Ventuuurrraaa."
Ace: "Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else."
Mr. Shickadance: "Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura..[coughs in Ace's face] ... you owe me rent."
Ace: "Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. [shows him a flyer] That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid."
Mr. Shickadance: "I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around."
Ace: "I never bring my work home with me, sir."
Mr. Shickadance: "Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for?"
Ace: "Fiber."
------------------------------
"This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh? [a la Poltergeist] I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear."
------------------------------
[Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching]
Ace: "Holy testicle Tuesday."
Lois Einhorn: "What the hell is he doing here?"
Ace: "I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll."
------------------------------
Ace: "Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Sir and may I congradulate you on all your success... you smell TEREFFIC! I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at... Stanford Law... was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy, private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice on little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?"
Ronald Camp: [nervously] "Very, very well, thank you."
------------------------------
[Ace is standing in front of Lois who's in her underwear]
"My esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have *ever* seen! [turns Lois around to reveal a bulge on her behind] *That's* why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!"
[all the men in the vicinity start throwing up because Einhorn has kissed them]
------------------------------
[About his car] "No problem, it gets flooded, we'll just wait a few seconds. [suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the back windshield with a baseball bat] Or we could try it now."
------------------------------
[Ace gets his car started] "It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE!"
Quotes from When Nature Calls
Ace: [smiling nervously] "Well, everything here seems good! Big load off my mind, aw God. You can speculate all you want, but unless you check it out for yourself, you never know! [face quickly turns serious] We should head back now."
Fulton Greenwall: "Don't you think you should investigate?"
Ace: "There's no reason to go in there. Ever. I sense it as a holy man."
Fulton Greenwall: "But I thought you said... "
Ace: "It's DARK! I could fall into a precipice!"
Ouda: [hands him a torch] "Here! Take this."
Ace: "Spank you, Helpy Helperton."
------------------------------
[while being arrested by Hitu] "Hey! What are you? H. R. Shove 'n Stuff?"
------------------------------
"Fe Fi Fo Fum! I smell... the fingerprints of scum!"
------------------------------
"That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! And that explains the abrasion on your palm! Let me run that back for you. [backs up] Mlap ruoy no noisarba eht snialpxe taht dna eohs ruoy no saw tahw staht ni deppils uoy tahw staht. [starts moving forward again] That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM!"
------------------------------
[Ace screams upon entering a room sporting numerous stuffed animal heads] Vincent Cadby: "Something wrong, Mr. Ventura?"
Ace: "Of course not. This is a lovely room of death."
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"If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use *your* body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are!"
------------------------------
[with Greenwall at top of a huge set of stairs leading to a temple]
"I'll meet you at the bottom. There's still one more thing I must do before I go...
[close-up of slinky going down temple stairs] Isn't this incredible? IT'S GONNA BE SOME KIND OF A RECORD! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go! [runs down to see Slinky stopped on second last step] Awww man! Can you believe it. It was RIGHT there!"
------------------------------
Ace: "That's a lovely wrap you're wearing! Perhaps I could buy you some fluffy new slippers, made from the heads of innocent and defenseless baby seals!"
McGuire: "Who is this ghastly man?"
Ace: "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And YOU must be the Monopoly guy! Hey,
[whispering] thanks for the free parking."
Pompous woman: "Another ACTIVIST, McGuire."
McGuire: "Activist, yes." [snobby laugh]
Ace: [imitating him] "Activist, yes, mhmhmhmhmhmhmhmhm!"
Pompous woman: "Mr. Ventura, there is nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of nature. You should try it sometime."
Ace: "Alrighty then! [smacks man in the face which knocks him unconscious, drapes him over his shoulders and begins to sing and dance exotically, shakes man] Do not pass go! Do not collect $200! [hands back man to pompous woman] It's lovely, but I fancy myself in autumn!"
------------------------------
Ace: "Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK! [Greenwall does nothing] Allrighty, then! Shall we go to jail?" [clicks teeth at Cadby]
------------------------------
Fulton Greenwall: "Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna..."
Ace: "Hi there. Nice to see ya. Bumblebee tuna. Bumblebee tuna! [quickly turns to face one of the natives] Ace Ventura, Pet Detective! How are you this afternoon? Alrighty Then! [turns to another] Excuse me, your balls are showing. [thumbs-up] Bumblebee tuna."
------------------------------
[throws medallion] "Take that, you winged spawn of Satan!"
------------------------------
"There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
------------------------------
Ace: "Just what sort of bat are we talking about?"
Fulton Greenwall: "The Great White Bat, of course."
Ace: "Corpus Kilochiroptera?"
Fulton Greenwall: "Yes, but to the natives... Shikaka."
[the Wachati chief and his son bow upon hearing the name]
Ace: "Shikaka... [they bow again] Shikaka! [they bow again] Shikasha! [they begin to bow, but stop] Ohhh! Shishkebab. [they almost bow] Shawshank Redemption. [they almost bow] ShicaaaaGO! [the chief bows] You're outta there! Go on, I gotcha, you're out." [confused chief leaves the hut]
------------------------------
Fulton Greenwall: "Ace, the Wachutus are a blood-thirsty, savage tribe. If they catch you, they will show no mercy!"
Ace: "Worry not, my brother. For I will be as a fly on the wall - a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent... *thing*."
------------------------------
[Wachootoo Chief exposes his rotten teeth while screaming at Ace]
"You know, gingivitis is the number one cause of all tooth decay." |
 | Movie/TV title: Dumb & Dumber
Character name: Lloyd Christmas |
Quotes:
Harry: "So you got fired again, eh?"
Lloyd: "Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya' know?"
Harry: "Yeah, well, I lost my job too."
Lloyd: "Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense."
Harry: "No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred."
Lloyd: "Hey, chicks love it. Its the shaggin' wagon."
------------------------------
Lloyd: "The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her."
Harry: "That's a special feeling, Lloyd." |
Harry: "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this."
Lloyd: "I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man."
------------------------------
"If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets."
------------------------------
Harry: "I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!"
Lloyd: "Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week."
------------------------------
"We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"
------------------------------
"Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy."
------------------------------
Lloyd: "Excuse me, Flo? [Harry and Lloyd crack up] Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?"
Flo/Waitress: "It's the Soup of the Day."
Lloyd: "Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that."
------------------------------
Lloyd: "That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey?"
Lady at the bus stop: "Austria."
Lloyd: "Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
Lady at the bus stop: "Let's not."
------------------------------
"Well suck me sideways!"
------------------------------
Lloyd: "What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?"
Mary: "Well, that's pretty difficult to say."
Lloyd: "Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?"
Mary: "Not good."
Lloyd: "You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?"
Mary: "I'd say more like one out of a million."
Lloyd: [pause] "So you're telling me there's a chance."
------------------------------
Harry: "Where did you get those?"
Lloyd: "I bought them when we filled up."
Harry: "We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd; we are on a very tight budget."
Lloyd: "This didn't come out of our travel fund."
Harry: "Oh."
Lloyd: "Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left."
Harry: "Where did you get 25 extra bucks?"
Lloyd: "I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4-C."
Harry: "The blind kid?"
Lloyd: "Yeah, ha ha! Yeah."
Harry: "What did you sell him Lloyd?"
Lloyd: "Stuff."
Harry: "What kinda stuff?"
Lloyd: "I don't know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles [cough] Petey."
Harry: "Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!"
Lloyd: "Harry, I took care of it..."
Billy: [scene shows Billy stroking Petey with his head taped on] "Pretty bird, yeah, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yes pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?"
------------------------------
Lloyd: "What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town!"
Harry: "Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?"
Lloyd: "I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen."
Harry: "Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes."
------------------------------
Lloyd: "So where are you headin'?"
Mary: "Aspen."
Lloyd: "Hmmm, California! Beautiful!"
------------------------------
Harry: "I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar?"
Lloyd: "Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby. Maybe she just had a change of heart."
Harry: "Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o clock at night!"
Lloyd: "Do you think...?"
Harry: "Why would she meet you in a bar at ten in the morning?"
Lloyd: "I just figured she was a raging alcoholic."
------------------------------
Lloyd: "Why you going to the airport, flying somewhere?"
Mary: "How'd you guess?"
Lloyd: "I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket I put 2 and 2 together."
------------------------------
Lloyd: "You're it."
Harry: "You're it."
Lloyd: "You're it, quitsies!"
Harry: "Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!"
Lloyd: "You can't do that!"
Harry: "Can too!"
Lloyd: "Cannot, stamp it!"
Harry: "Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!"
Lloyd: "Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true."
Harry: "No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!"
Lloyd: [hands over ears] "LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
Harry: "LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!"
------------------------------
Harry: "I can't believe it."
Lloyd: "Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat."
Harry: "But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words."
Lloyd: "Not if you count the gurgling sound."
------------------------------
[sees framed newspaper article about moon landing] "No Way! That's Great...[chuckles] WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!"
------------------------------
Harry: "What's her last name? I'll look it up."
Lloyd: "You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?"
Harry: "Maybe it's on the briefcase."
Lloyd: "Oh, yeah! It's right here. [He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite] Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though."
------------------------------
Harry: "What's in the briefcase?"
Lloyd: "Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else's private property."
Harry: "Is it locked?"
Lloyd: "Yeah. Really well."
------------------------------
Lloyd: "Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Elderly woman: "Change? No I'm sorry, I don't."
Lloyd: "Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here, while I go break a dollar?"
Elderly: "Of course."
Lloyd: "Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!"
------------------------------
[to Harry] "How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later."
------------------------------
Harry: [shivering] "Lloyd, I can't feel my fingers, they're numb!"
Lloyd: "Oh well here, take this extra pair of gloves, my hands are starting to get a little sweaty."
Harry: "Extra gloves? You've had this pair of extra gloves this whole time?"
Lloyd: "Uh yeah, we are in the Rocky's. Jeez!"
------------------------------
Lloyd: Radio? ah ha, who needs a radio. Ready Harry? [pause] Mock!
Harry: "Yeah!"
Lloyd: "Ing!"
Harry: "Yeah"
Lloyd: "Bird!"
Harry: "Yeah!"
Lloyd: "Yeah!"
Harry: "Yeah!"
Harry & Lloyd: "Mocking Bird don't everybody have you heard, she's gonna buy me a mocking bird! And if that mocking bird son't sing, she's gonna buy me a diamond riiing! And if that diamond ring don't shine..."
Harry: "Look Lloyd, there's some people who wanna ride to!"
Lloyd: Pick 'em up!" |
 | Movie/TV title: Liar Liar
Character name: Fletcher Reede |
Quotes:
Bum: "Got any spare change?"
Fletcher: "Absolutely!"
Bum: "Could ya spare some?"
Fletcher: "Yes I could!"
Bum: "Will ya?"
Fletcher: "MMM-MMM!!!"
Bum: "How come!?"
Fletcher: "Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of western society!... Plus I'm cheap! AHHH!"
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[one of Fletcher's regular clients is on the phone]
Great: "He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice."
Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] "STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!" |
Fletcher: "You scratched my car!"
Motorpool Guy: "Where?"
Fletcher: [indicating with his hands] "Right theeerrre!"
Motorpool Guy: "Oh there... That was already there."
Fletcher: "You - you LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?"
Motorpool Guy: "What?"
Fletcher: "Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!"
Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] "You've been here before haven't ya?"
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Miranda: [after sex] "Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you?"
Fletcher: "I've had better."
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Cop: "You know why I pulled you over?"
Fletcher: "Depends on how long you were following me!..eeech"
Cop: "Why don't we just take it from the top?"
Fletcher: "Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!"
Cop: "Is that all?"
Fletcher: "No... I have unpaid parking tickets [groans]... be gentle."
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Max: "My teacher tells me real beauty is on the inside."
Fletcher: "That's just something ugly people say."
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Greta: "Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?"
Fletcher: "No! [Greta looks pleased, but then Fletcher continues] "I'd have got him ten." [Greta stalks off, appalled]
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Fletcher: "Hi."
Woman in elevator: "Hi."
Fletcher: "New in the building?"
Woman in elevator: "Yeah, I just moved in Monday."
Fletcher: "Ohh, you like it so far."
Woman in elevator: "Mhmm, everybody's been real nice."
Fletcher: "Welll that's because you have big jugs [both looked shocked at what he's just said] I mean your boobs are huge [woman shocked and starting to get angry] I mean I wanna squeeze 'em [woman is furious] Mama!" [Fletcher makes sucking noises, woman smacks him and walks off]
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Miranda: [about Mr. Allen] "Well, what do you think of him?"
Fletcher: "He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking."
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: "That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons."
Fletcher: "Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom, you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins."
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] "Priceless!"
[Fletcher continues with every member]
Fletcher: "You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway, I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! [to Miranda] *Slut*!"
Mr. Allen: "I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!"
Fletcher: "Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!"
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Max: "Daaaad!"
Fletcher: "Maxamillion! Heeyy, how ya doin' creep."
Max: "Good."
Fletcher: "Ohh, me too, except, my arm has really been bothering me."
Max: [chuckles] "Oh no dad."
Fletcher: "Oh yeah, it's becoming, the Claw!!....Nothing can stop, the CLAAAW! Run boy run, save yourself."
Max: "Do the claw to mum dad, do the claw to mum."
Fletcher: "Uh oh, you've found the claw's only weakness, sub zero temperatures!"
Audrey: "Soo did you have any trouble finding the place?"
Fletcher: "Okay, I'm late, I'm sorry. I ran outta gas the.....gauge is broken or somethin'. Rough neighbourhood too, good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Mighta had to pull out ma nine and bust a cap. With ma mind on ma money and ma money on ma mind."
Audrey: "Well they would never hurt you Fletcher, you're their lawyer."
Fletcher: "Ooo, that was below the belt, try to keep the gloves up."
Max: "Mum, dad's taking me to see wrestling!"
Audrey: "Ugh, Fletcher!"
Fletcher: "Ughh, Audrey!"
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[Jerry kisses Audrey]
"Wow, that was a nice image [imitating typewriter] click click, deleted!"
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[Jerry gives Max his birthday punches]
Fletcher: [to Audrey] "He struck the child, dod you see that."
Max: "Look at what dad got me."
Jerry: "Wooow, great. Hey you know what, I have my glove in the car, maybe we can stop at the park on the way home and play catch. And then tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it, it'll be great. [to Fletcher] Hey, great gift dad."
Fletcher: [to Jerry] "Thanks son. [to Audrey] I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together, my plan to phase myself out is almost complete."
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Fletcher: "Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?"
Samantha: "Oh yeah, yeah. One for sure."
Fletcher: "After all that, your husband wants to deny you a share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion."
Samantha: "Seven."
Fletcher: "Pardon me?"
Samantha: "Seven single acts of indiscretion."
Fletcher: "SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence of, and all of which he himself is responsible for." |
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"It's better to go after something special and risk starving to
