 Movie/TV title:
Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan
(1982)
Character name:
Lt. Saavik
Quote(s):
[after being surrounded by Klingons in a starship simulator]
Saavik: Any suggestions, Admiral?
Kirk: Prayer, Mr. Saavik. The Klingons don't take prisoners.
[after allowing the simulated Enterprise to be destroyed]
Saavik: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Kirk: Granted.
Saavik: I do not believe this was a fair test of my command abilities.
Kirk: And why not?
Saavik: Because... there was no way to win.
Kirk: A no-win situation is a possibility every commander may face. Has that never occurred to you?
Saavik: No, sir, it has not.
Kirk: And how we deal with death is at least as important as how we deal with life, wouldn't you say?
Saavik: As I indicated, Admiral, that thought had not occurred to me.
Kirk: Well, now you have something new to think about. Carry on.
Saavik: Admiral, may I ask you a question?
Kirk: What's on your mind, Lieutenant?
Saavik: The Kobayashi Maru, sir.
Kirk: Are you asking me if we're playing out that scenario now?
Saavik: On the test, sir... will you tell me what you did? I would really like to know.
McCoy: Lieutenant, you are looking at the only Starfleet cadet who ever beat the no-win scenario.
Saavik: How?
Kirk: I reprogrammed the simulation so it was possible to rescue the ship.
Saavik: What?
David Marcus: He cheated.
Kirk: I changed the conditions of the test; got a commendation for original thinking. I don't like to lose.
Saavik: Then you never faced that situation... faced death.
Kirk: I don't believe in the no-win scenario.
Saavik: [speaking to Spock in Vulcan] He's never what I expect, sir.
Spock: What surprises you, Lieutenant?
Saavik: He's so - human.
Spock: Nobody's perfect, Saavik.
Saavik: You lied!
Spock: I exaggerated.
[first lines]
Saavik: Captain's log: Stardate 8130.3. Starship Enterprise on training mission to Gamma Hydra, section 14, coordinates 22-87-4. Approaching Neutral Zone; all systems normal and functioning.
Sulu: Leaving section 14 for section 15.
Saavik: Standby. Project parabolic course to avoid entering Neutral Zone.
Sulu: Aye, captain.
Saavik: Humor. It is a difficult concept. It is not logical.
Kirk: We learn by doing.
|  Movie/TV title:
It Takes Two
(1995)
Character name:
Diane Barrows
Quote(s):
Diane Barrows: You know, I really thought it was that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, world-series kind of stuff.
Diane Barrows: Besides, you don't want to be an orphan forever.
Amanda Lemmon: So adopt me, why don't you!
Diane Barrows: They won't let me adopt you on my salary; besides, you deserve a mother and a father.
Amanda Lemmon: So, get a husband.
Diane Barrows: It's not like buying a car, you know.
Amanda Lemmon: I know. It's got to be that can't-eat, can't- sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, world-series kind of stuff, right?
Diane Barrows: Hey, a girl's got to have her standards.
Diane Barrows: You're not a reject. It's just that, most people want to adopt...
Amanda Lemmon: Babies. I know.
Diane Barrows: Guys like him like girls with food names: Cookie, Muffin, Candy... They don't marry girls like me.
Diane Barrows: I can't believe you talked me into this!
Alyssa Calloway: You're too tense. Relax.
Diane Barrows: Oh, I've got a thousand pounds of wild animal under my butt and she says relax!
Diane Barrows: You should really put iodine on your butt... cut.
Diane Barrows: Sorry to ruin your wedding. I just didn't want the wrong girl going down the aisle. I mean the wrong flower girl.
Roger Callaway: I think you had it right the first time.
Diane Barrows: [bangs loudly on Butkises' door] Hello! Hello!
Butkis' Neighbor: You looking for a Butkis?
Diane Barrows: What?
Butkis' Neighbor: You looking for a Butkis?
Diane Barrows: Yes! Yes, I am.
Alyssa Calloway: Aren't you coming?
Diane Barrows: Uh, no, I think I'm just gonna wait for Amanda out here.
Alyssa Calloway: DIANE BARROWS! GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE THIS... IN-STANT!
Diane Barrows: Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll just stand in the back and take a little look-see.
Diane Barrows: [after Alyssa, as Amanda, was 'adopted' by the Butkises] You were supposed to protect her! You should've done something. Y-Y-You could've slit their tires or something! Anything!
Jerry: They had the paperwork!
Diane Barrows: What paperwork?
Patty: [hands Diane the paperwork] We couldn't find you! Miss Van Dyke was here. What did you want us to do, lie in front of the van, for God's sake?
Diane Barrows: I would have!
[she drops the paperwork]
Diane Barrows: I'm takin' the Jeep!
[she takes the keys to the Jeep]
Jerry: Hey, that's the camp's!
Diane Barrows: [furiously] Oh, don't you even...!
Diane Barrows: [surprised that Amanda and Alyssa are identical] This is amazing.
Vincenzo: Yeah. And it's weird, too. Now, I understand that through some, uh, some simple mix-up, that Alyssa is in a care of child's services. Now, I've been authorized to tell you, that if I get her back right away, there'll be no legal entanglements.
Diane Barrows: Um, you see, she's not exactly with me, here.
Vincenzo: What?
Diane Barrows: She's been... Well, she was adopted.
Vincenzo: Well, then you'd better unadopt her, quick! Mr. Callaway's gettin' married in 90 minutes at St. Bartholomew's! He's expecting his daughter to be there, his real daughter.
Diane Barrows: 90 minutes?
Vincenzo: Yeah.
Diane Barrows: Well, I can't even get to Staten Island and back in 90 minutes!
Vincenzo: Well, may I suggest that you go really, really fast?
[he writes down a number]
Vincenzo: Here. If you get into any trouble, call this number.
[he hands it to Diane]
Vincenzo: Ask for Lou!
[he leaves, and Diane looks at the number]
Diane Barrows: Lou. Lou Who?
Diane Barrows: [drives all the way to Staten Island] I must be crazy. But I'm not goin' in that church. No matter what happens, I am NOT goin' in that church!
[Diane and Alyssa see a horse-drawn carriage, and Alyssa gets on]
Diane Barrows: Oh, no. NOT another horse!
Alyssa Calloway: Diane, come on!
Diane Barrows: Fine.
[she gets into the carriage]
Diane Barrows: Where is the driver?
[she notices that the driver is at the hot dog stand, eating hot dogs]
Diane Barrows: Oh! Hey, Buddy! Listen, you've gotta take us to St. Bart's right away, it's an emergency!
Horse Driver: [through a mouthful of hot dog] We're closed, miss. I'm on my break!
[Diane turns to Alyssa, and makes a gesture telling her to get in the driver's seat and take the reins, both of which Alyssa does, and Diane gets in the passenger seat and turns angrily to the driver]
Diane Barrows: [sarcastically] I wanna thank you for all your help, Bud!
Alyssa Calloway: [whips the reins] HYAH!
[the horse runs off, pulling the carriage, but Diane falls backwards into the seat]
Horse Driver: [notices and runs after his horse] Hey. Hey, lady! Hey, that's...
[spits out his mouthful, then screams after them]
Horse Driver: THAT'S MY HORSE!
Diane Barrows: Told ya. Third time's the charm...
Roger Callaway: Wait. All of this? This was your doing?
[Amanda and Alyssa smile]
Roger Callaway: Oh, it was, was it?
Roger Callaway: Well, girls? What do you have to say for yourselves?
Alyssa Calloway, Amanda Lemmon: So kiss already!
|
Movie/TV title:
Look Who's Talking Now (1993)
Look Who's Talking Too (1990)
Look Who's Talking (1989)
Character name:
Mollie Ubriacco
Quote(s):
Look Who's Talking (1989)
Mollie: I'm a very understanding person, Albert. I understand that you are going through a selfish phase. And, I'm sure that you will understand that I am going through a destructive phase.
Mollie: I was artificially inseminated.
James: Are you a lesbo?
James: Mind if I borrow some of this?
[takes Mikey's bottle and pours the milk into his coffee cup]
James: Thank a lot, man.
[drinks coffee]
Mollie: Hey, you know, that's breast milk.
James: [spits out coffee] Really, now?
[turns to Mikey]
James: Why didn't you tell me?
Mikey: Hey, man, you're on your own.
Mollie: I look like a Russ Meyer movie!
James: Whoa! You really got your figure back, didn't you?
Mollie: This is not my figure!
James: Well then, you got Dolly Parton's figure back!
James: You don't look so hot.
Mollie: Why don't you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look?
James: Ouch! Guess I'd better call my mother more often!
Mollie: Don't touch me! I'm going to have this baby without you touching me!
Albert: I know this may be hard to understand, but I'm going through a selfish phase right now.
Mollie: A selfish phase?
Albert: I admit the timing is bad.
Albert: He has my eyes.
Mollie: I know he does. You don't know how confusing it is when someone you love so much looks like someone you hate.
Mollie: That's it! You have some exotic baby disease, and I look like I could play the lead in "Night of the Living Dead", and your father deserted us so that he could pork his interior decorator. I think you can safely say that it can't get any worse.
Rosie: [coming through the front door] Hello-o!
Mollie: I was wrong.
Rosie: What?
Mollie: Ma, I thought you'd be happy.
Rosie: How could you do such a thing?
Mollie: It was easy. I went to the clinic and got some frozen sperm. I brought it home, defrosted it, inserted it, and... and I'm pregnant.
Rosie: So that's it? Now you and the frozen pop are having a baby.
Mollie: Ma, it's not a frozen pop.
Rosie: It's not a husband. (Looks at her husband). Louie, you hear this?
Mollie: Ma, you were the one who told me that I could control my life, and I made a decision. I want to have a baby.
Rosie: I don't understand this. This is the kind of thing a girl does if she's very ugly or a lesbian. This is not the act of a beautiful, intelligent girl who can have any man she wants.
Mollie: Ma, you never liked any of my boyfriends anyway.
Rosie: Where did the sperm come from? I mean, who's the supplier?
Mollie: A medical student.
Rosie: And?
Mollie: He goes to Colombia. His parents live on the island. His father's in piece goods, his mother works for a cosmetics firm. Ma, she'd get you a great discount.
Rosie: So you're making fun of me, huh? You'll see. Someday, you'll have children.
Mollie: Where are the parachutes?
James: Parachutes? There are no parachutes.
Mollie: No parachutes? Didn't you ever see 'Sweet Dreams'? 'The Buddy Holly Story'? 'La Bamba'?
James: There's a big difference. They're, like, rock legends, and we're not.
Mollie: I'm sorry that I made you wear that stupid outfit, and I'm sorry that you had to meet that MEAN MAN. You'll never have to see him again. You know what I don't get? Every time I take you somewhere, everyone says how cute you are, and how crazy they are about you?
Mikey: Naturally.
Mollie: Then, the one person who has the genetic bondage treats you like a jerk. Here, let me dry it now. Everyone loves you. All the kids at the playground love you, Ma loves you, Rona loves you, everybody at work loves you, James loves you... Mikey, do you love James?
[Mikey picks up a toy telephone]
Mikey: Give him a call.
Mollie: What, honey? You want to play telephone?
Mikey: Call him.
Mollie: So you're the one who was kicking me.
Mikey: Well, you're the one who ate all that spicy food.
Mollie: Look at all those daddies down there. They're making goofball faces and taking pictures of their babies.
[Looks at Mikey]
Mollie: . Well, you won't find your father here. I really messed things up for you. I don't want you to be upset, because I'm going to go out there and find you a daddy, and this time I'm going to be smart about it. I'm not going to go for some handsome guy just because I'm in love with him. You're the only thing that matters to me, and I'm going to go out there and I'm going to get you the best daddy there is.
[Mikey says Daddy]
James: He- he said Daddy!
Mollie: I think he called you Daddy.
Mikey: [sarcastically] No, I'm talking to hear myself say it!
Mollie: I think you should try some of that Nobel Prize winner sperm.
Rona: Get outta here. Nobel Prize winners ejaculating in jars?
Mollie: Well, give it a shot. Don't you want a smart baby?
Rona: That's all I need. A baby telling me what an IDIOT I am. Like I don't get enough of that at work?
[Molly's dream]
Albert: Beth has finally agreed to a divorce. Oh, Mollie I'm so glad you waited.
Mollie: [greatly aged] I knew that if I was patient, this day would come.
Mollie: Ma, what would you have done if Daddy was married when you first met him?
Rosie: I wouldn't have fallen in love.
Mollie: Well, you can't control who you fall in love with.
Rosie: Why not?
Mollie: You just can't!
Rosie: Listen. Listen, take your father here. What's his favorite food?
Together: Cheesecake.
Rosie: What did Dr. Slocum tell him?
Mollie: Cut back on cholesterol.
Rosie: So, now he doesn't eat cheesecake. It's the same exact thing.
Mollie: Aw, I look like a big fat pilgrim.
Mollie: I'm so lucky. I can't believe I managed to find a nice, handsome family man.
Rona: Yeah, except it's someone else's family.
Mollie: Remember how Albert's shrink said that Beth would never get better as long as he kept seeing me?
Rona: Yeah, a million times.
Mollie: Well, he's decided to leave her.
Rona: Albert's leaving his wife?
Mollie: No, he's leaving his shrink. And that's really a good thing, because she was really starting to become an obstacle with us.
James: Look, you gotta use Lamaze. It works. My sister-in-law used it. You don't use drugs, and it's better for the kid.
Mollie: You know, the only people who say stupid things like that are men, because they're idiots!
Mollie: Hey, slow down! The first stages of labor can take hours!
James: Yeah, so can the mid-town traffic!
Mollie: Rona, if there wasn't such a thing as love, what kind of guy would you get to be your kid's father?
Rona: Someone with a small mouth and good hair. Broad shoulders...
Mollie: No, no, I'm talking about, what kind of a man would you want to stick around and help raise your child?
Rona: There's a man who'd do that?
James: [returning her purse] You never look through that thing, do you?
Mollie: Why do you say that?
James: 'Cause you're still carrying around your diaphragm.
Mollie: Screwing with the mail is a federal offense.
James: Stealing mail's a federal offense, not screwing with it.
James: I teach.
Mollie: What do you teach? Taxi Driver's Ed?
Mollie: Don't smoke that around my baby! Don't you know there's a sixty-two percent higher rate of getting cancer for non-smokers who live with smokers?
James: What are you trying to say? You don't want me to move in yet, or what?
Mollie: All right, I know what I'm looking for. I'm looking for a guy who's not married, not into drugs, not an alcoholic, not a deadbeat, but not somebody that works twenty hours a day.
Rona: And cute.
Mollie: Cute is not a consideration.
Mollie: Dr. Spock does not just want to sell a book! Dr. Spock loves us. During the Vietnam War, Dr. Spock was out protesting in the streets!
James: God, I'm sorry I said anything about Dr. Spock, okay.
[to Mikey]
James: I can't believe she's getting that upset about a Vulcan. Big ears, no emotions, right?
Mollie: [on phone] I'd like to report a missing baby. I mean, I don't actually know if he's missing. Maybe he was kidnapped. Or maybe he's just with a person who is a complete idiot.
[Molly learns to fly]
Mollie: Oh, what a good sensation!
James: It's like great sex, isn't it?
Mollie: I personally wouldn't remember.
Mollie: If we ever got back together I'm afraid I would have to torture you for the rest of your life.
Albert: Oh, that's okay. I want you to.
James: Oh, baby, I have myself a hot date tonight.
Mollie: You better call your hot date, because I don't know how late I'm going to be.
James: [snorts] Oh, yeah, right. You're going out with an accountant, right?
Mollie: Yes.
James: Nine-thirty, tops.
Mollie: Don't count on it.
Mollie: I don't know who I love. And you know something, it doesn't make any difference, because the only thing that matters to me is who's best for Mikey. And Albert is successful, he's responsible, and he's real good to his other kids.
James: I've seen you. I've seen you use Mikey to push other guys away, and now you're doing it to me! That's it! I've had it! Now get out!
Mollie: I live here!
James: I know it!
[pauses, then slams out the door]
Mollie: You get everything for free. Free long distance phone calls, free lunches. I think you're sort of a scam artist.
James: I know. I got the town wired, don't I? Baby, think about it. If we were poor, we could still live like kings.
Mollie: You spent forty years with a man who looked good in a uniform? Ma, you had no idea if he was a mature, responsible person!
Rosie: If I thought like that, we wouldn't have gotten through the first week. And that was some week!
Albert: [sees Mikey making a face] Is he taking a dump?
Mollie: No, he's thinking real hard!
[Mollie has gone into labor, and is trying to get a cab to the hospital]
Mollie: Excuse me, I'm in labor.
Cab Stealer: I was here first!
Albert: I've raised my kids.
Mollie: Raised them? They're 11 and 9. Don't tell me they've moved out and gotten jobs already!
Albert: Do you have a picture of Mickey?
[she is impatient at Albert getting their son's name wrong more than once]
Mollie: MIKEY!
Mollie: Grandpa, did you eat all these candy bars?
Grandpa: What candy? The bastards stole my candy!
Mollie: Grandpa, what's going on?
Grandpa: Look, I'm a hostage.
Burly Orderly: He's not a hostage. He's a *mean* old bastard! You see what he did to my arm? And he gave the nurse a black eye!
Mollie: [Albert is feeling up Mollie's leg] Al-Albert, stop. Albert, I can't do this anymore.
Albert: Mollie, I love you, and you love me. I know you do.
Mollie: Of course I love you, Albert. You're a wonderful father. You're great in bed, and you're my biggest account. But you're married. And I will never fall in love with anyone else as long as I'm seeing you, so think you should just work with a different accountant.
Mollie: No... oh, no!
Dr. Fleisher: Yes.
Mollie: No!
Dr. Fleisher: I take it this wasn't a planned pregnancy.
Mollie: This wasn't even a planned affair.
Mollie: My doctor says my breathing's fine.
Albert: You have to do what's best for the baby. When Beth was pregnant...
Mollie: Oh I am so SICK of hearing about Beth! Beth Beth Beth Beth! I'm having a hard time figuring out how you could be in love with her and then in love with someone like me. When I found out I was pregnant, I decided to make out a will, when Beth had the girls she got a reading of their past lives!
Mollie: Oh Mom, don't talk about sex with daddy.
[groans]
Rosie: Ha ha ha ha.
Albert: Oh God, Mollie, I'm going to burst if you don't kiss me.
Mollie: Tough.
Look Who's Talking Too (1990)
James Ubriacco: Mike, this is a potty okay? Now when you wanna take a piss ...
Mollie Ubriacco: Don't say piss.
James Ubriacco: Okay, when you wanna take a whiz ...
Mollie Ubriacco: Ugh!
James Ubriacco: What? See a man about a horse? Drain the snake? What do you want me to say?
Mollie Ubriacco: Pee-pee.
James Ubriacco: Pee-pee is such a wimp word.
Mollie Ubriacco: See, Mikey, Mommy is a girl so she doesn't have a penis.
James Ubriacco: But she's got some set of balls!
James Ubriacco: Why is it that every time drink out of the milk carton, I get a lecture, but Travis Bickle moves in with a semi-automatic weapon, and it's okay?
Mollie Ubriacco: A little unloaded gun makes him feel better.
James Ubriacco: Makes him feel better? Why doesn't he go to the top of the Empire State Building and shoot student nurses? Maybe that'll make him feel better.
Mollie Ubriacco: This is New York. Women carry unloaded guns in their purses.
Mollie Ubriacco: Isn't that great, honey! Your brother went pee-pee
Julie: Big deal. I made a doody!
James Ubriacco: When you wanna take a pee-pee okay you do it in here and you just do this, you take it out
[Pretends to unzip his fly]
Mollie Ubriacco: Oh come on
James Ubriacco: What?
Mikey: Dad, who's kidding who huh?
James Ubriacco: And the same token, when you wanna take a dump
Mollie Ubriacco: Poo-poo
Mikey: This is a joke right?
James Ubriacco: I know it sounds disgusting Mike but you know you gotta trust me on this okay
Mikey: Let me get this straight you want me to take a dump outside my diaper?
Mollie Ubriacco: [Mikey and Julie come down on the elvator] How did you get down here?
Mikey: We just walked.
Julie: Technically, I was pushed.
Mollie Ubriacco: He has to go to bed early tonight because I'm taking him to baby gym tomorrow.
James Ubriacco: Oh not baby gym!
Mollie Ubriacco: He needs to socialize with other kids.
James Ubriacco: Well take him to the park.
Mollie Ubriacco: I'm not taking him to the park anymore! Do you know what he did today? He picked up a crack pipe!
James Ubriacco: Well throw it out.
Mollie Ubriacco: Do you have any idea how many disease he could get from that?
Look Who's Talking Now (1993)
Mollie: Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess, and she moved to Queens. The end.
Julie Ubriacco: That's not a story!
Mollie: It is tonight. Good night.
Mollie: James.
James: What?
Mollie: Don't tell jokes.
James: I'm funny!
Mollie: You are funny, honey, in sort of a...
James: Corny.
Mollie: Corny, kind of funny.
Mollie: When he gets nervous, he gets completely honest. That is a major business liability.
Mollie: Most little girls are obsessed with ponies and mermaids, not big sweaty men making jump shots. Should we be worried? Mike!
James: Well, it's the Suns, honey. If it were the Mavericks, I'd be worried.
James: Mike, what do you think of this suit?
Mikey Ubriacco: You look like my principal.
James: See? Even he thinks it's stupid.
Mollie: He is not offering you a dental plan.
James: Honey, this isn't me. I wanna be myself.
Mollie: Okay, you're not gonna get this job if you're yourself.
Mollie: [opening pay envelope] Pink! Mine's pink today... how festive!
[reads paper, faints]
Mollie: No, I'm a Vulcan. Want a death grip?
Mollie: [Mollie is calling Mr Conti to locate her husband and Samantha through a noisy office party]
Mr Conti's Secretary: Mr. Conti's office? WHAT cabin? I'm sorry, there must be some mistake. Mr Conti is in the Bahamas with his family-eeeee
Mr Conti's Secretary: [gets prodded in a ticklish area by a playful workmate, laughs zealously]
Mollie: [Mollie is confronting a wolf]
Julie Ubriacco: [from the car] Mommy found another doggie!
Mikey Ubriacco: [after he and James have brought Rocks home and have seen Daphne for the first time] I like Rocks better...
James: [putting his hand over Mikey's mouth] A dog! A dog! Finally a dog! We'll playw ith your Rocks later.
Mikey Ubriacco: [muffled] Okay, no problem
Mollie: As I was just telling Samantha, there's no way we'd take her precious baby away.
[as Samantha leaves room, she grabs James and gives him a suspicious look]
James: [citing the 'dog school' Daphne attended] Radcliffe, honey, Radcliffe!
[walks away]
Mollie: [dressed up like an elf] I need to get these shoes off, my toes are curling.
Mollie: [on the phone] Oh yeah? Well Merry Christmas you bimbo!
Mollie: You want to open another one of your presents?
Mikey Ubriacco: It's probably just more stupid clothes.
Mollie: Well you know what? If it weren't for them you'd be freezing your little tushie off right now.
Julie Ubriacco: Yeah!
|  Movie/TV title:
Cheers
(147 episodes, 1987-1993)
Character name:
Rebecca Howe
Quote(s):
"Cheers: The Sam in the Grey Flannel Suit (#6.20)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: [about Evan Drake and Sam having lunch] What does this mean? When did Evan start taking Sam to lunch? When did the two of them become good friends? When did I start talking to myself?
[Sam has just returned from lunch with Evan Drake]
Rebecca Howe: You scum sucking, power hungry, back biting creep. You stole my job.
Sam Malone: Naw, come on, that's not true. But I will bite your back for you if you want.
Rebecca Howe: Oh, well, then what were you talking to Evan about?
Sam Malone: He just offered me an executive position down at corporate.
Rebecca Howe: You scum sucking, power hungry, back biting creep.
Rebecca Howe: [to Evan Drake as he walks by] Hi Mr. Drake, I was just congratulating Sam.
[Rebecca has just heard that Evan Drake has promoted Sam to an executive position at corporate]
Rebecca Howe: Something funny is going on here. Why did he hire Sam? Why is he making him an executive? What's the matter with me?
Woody Boyd: For one thing, Miss Howe, you talk to yourself an awful lot.
Rebecca Howe: I finally figured it out. Life makes sense and I am not crazy.
Dr. Frasier Crane: That's only a layman's opinion.
"Cheers: Executive Sweet (#7.3)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: ...I'm not going out with you.
Sam Malone: Ah, come on... But why?
Rebecca Howe: Because I'm concentrating on my career.
Sam Malone: That's fine. But before you make the final decision on this, let's try this. Have sex with me twenty-five times, and if at the end of the night you're still not sure, I won't say another thing.
Rebecca Howe: No, Sam. Look, I have wasted too much time. I'm not getting any younger, and I've made a decision to only date men who can help my career.
Sam Malone: You know, they have a name for women like that.
Rebecca Howe: Yeah: Vice-President.
Sam Malone: So, how did your meeting go?
Rebecca Howe: It was very nice. I met the new boss, Mr. Teal. We exchanged pleasantries. You're no longer the co-manager and have been demoted to just bartender.
Sam Malone: Demoted? Just like that? What, the company didn't have the courtesy to give me a phone call?
Carla LeBec: By the way, Sammy, you had a phone call this afternoon. You've been demoted.
Sam Malone: Why didn't you tell me?
Carla LeBec: What do I look like, an answering service for bartenders?
Rebecca Howe: You know, Martin could pick up the phone and get a reservation at any top restaurant in Boston at a moment's notice.
Sam Malone: Oh, and I can't?
Rebecca Howe: Well, pick up the phone and get me a reservation at ah... , Chez Maurice.
Sam Malone: I already said I can't. But I do have an in at Shea Stadium though.
Rebecca Howe: ...it wouldn't be in my best interest to say no.
Sam Malone: Oh, please. You don't have the guts to say no to this guy.
Rebecca Howe: That is absolutely not true. I choose to not have the guts to say no to this guy.
"Cheers: Adventures in Housesitting (#7.11)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: [about having a non-sexual relationship] Have you ever heard of conversation?
Sam Malone: Yeah, I've heard of conversation. You know, contrary to what a lot of people think, I'm not that dumb. Here, come on, try me. Sit down. Let's conversate.
[the prize-winning dog Rebecca is taking care of is missing. The doorbell of the house rings, and Rebecca opens the door. It's Woody with a dog]
Rebecca Howe: Woody! You found him. Oh God, I don't know who to kiss first.
Woody Boyd: Well, I just had a breath mint.
Mr. Sheridan: [points at Woody] Miss Howe, who is this man?
Rebecca Howe: [not wanting to tell the truth, she needs to devise a lie] This man? He's Woody. He's my boyfriend.
Woody Boyd: [pleased] Wow, Miss Howe.
Mr. Sheridan: Your boyfriend calls you 'Miss Howe'?
Rebecca Howe: [flustered] I was his teacher.
[while Mr. Sheridan is in the kitchen with Satan who he thinks is his own dog Buster, Sam enters with the real Buster]
Rebecca Howe: Sam, get that mutt out of here.
Sam Malone: What?
Rebecca Howe: Sheridan's in the kitchen with Satan.
Sam Malone: This is no time for folk singing.
"Cheers: Sammy and the Professor (#8.13)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: You slept with Sam Malone?
Alice Anne Volkman: Oh, is that his last name?
[Alice, Rebecca's mentor, and Rebecca are discussing thh fact that Alice slept with Sam]
Alice Anne Volkman: Rebecca, slow down. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes, and get a handle on your feelings.
Rebecca Howe: All right. On one hand, I'm a little bit disappointed with you from what you've done. But on the other hand, I mean, I think, well, hell, it's your life, I mean you know what you want, what you don't want...
Alice Anne Volkman: Rebecca, choose.
Rebecca Howe: [immediately yells] You're a slut.
Alice Anne Volkman: Very good. That's the first time I've ever heard you take a stand without worrying about offending someone.
Rebecca Howe: [defiantly] You're a soleless pig of rotten slut. Slut!
Alice Anne Volkman: Now I'm offended.
Rebecca Howe: Oh, sorry. I take it all back.
Alice Anne Volkman: Oh, don't, don't do that. I was just beginning to respect you.
Rebecca Howe: Oh. Slut.
Alice Anne Volkman: Now you're just trying to kiss up.
Sam Malone: [about business advice from Alice Ann Volkman] Actually I never did get any advice from her. She kept saying she was going to give it to me, but then we ended up in bed. And afterward she said she was going to give it to me the next day, but we ended up in bed again. You know, she never really told me anything. Now she's gone.
Rebecca Howe: Well. It's still been a hell of a couple of days.
Sam Malone: That slut.
"Cheers: Finally!: Part 1 (#8.15)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: Robin is back in town and tonight he is mine. So, would you like to know where we are going and you are not?
Norm Peterson: My house?
Rebecca Howe: [about Robin] I told him the biggest secret of my life.
Carla LeBec: What?
Rebecca Howe: I told him about You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling by The Righteous Brothers and what that song does to me. Right? Do you know what he did?
Carla LeBec: What?
Rebecca Howe: He called this radio station he owns and he had them play it all night.
Woody Boyd: I heard that. I thought that was the long version.
Rebecca Howe: I guess I kind of thought you wanted me.
Sam Malone: What would give you that idea?
Rebecca Howe: Oh, a guy hits on you every day for three or four years. You kind of start to trust him.
"Cheers: Where Nobody Knows Your Name (#9.4)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: [about Robin's old girlfriend Jeanne-Marie] The nerve of that cheap slut, pretending like Robin turned himself in for her.
Norm Peterson: Don't worry, Rebecca. Your friends know who the real cheap slut is.
Rebecca Howe: I mean the only thing that really does matter is that I am Robin's true love. It actually makes it more romantic because we're the only ones who know.
Norm Peterson: Except for us.
Woody Boyd: And I kind of told my Mom in Hanover.
Rebecca Howe: You know what I mean. It's sort of like a secret Valentine between me and Robin.
Norm Peterson: ...and us.
Woody Boyd: ...and my Mom.
Rebecca Howe: Woody, who cares if your Mother knows? I mean, who is she going to tell?
Woody Boyd: Are you serious? She has choir practice tonight. Once she gets a cup of coffee in her, those old biddies will bleed it out of her. For a moist crumb cake, she'll tell anybody why you never see Uncle Willie and Aunt May in the same room at the same time.
Norm Peterson: Why, why would that be, Wood?
Woody Boyd: I don't see any crumb cake.
Rebecca Howe: [about Robin] I cannot just ask him if he loves Jeanne-Marie, because then he will think I don't trust him.
Sam Malone: You don't.
Rebecca Howe: I know, but I should. But if I ask him 'Do you love Jeanne-Marie?' and he says yes, I don't think that I could handle that. And if I ask him if he loved me and he said yes, then he would know that I did not trust him, and trusting him is the one thing that I really should do since he gave up his fortune for me... if he really did give it up for me... which I can never know because I can't ask.
Sam Malone: Let me see if I can put this in a nutshell. What?
"Cheers: The Days of Wine and Neuroses (#9.14)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: [Rebecca is making a toast to hers and Robin's engagement] To my sweet baby, Robin. We may not have much, but we have each other.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Then you don't have much.
[Rebecca is hiding out in her apartment]
Sam Malone: Is this about getting married tomorrow? Are you getting cold feet?
Rebecca Howe: Certainly not. I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it.
"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 2 (#6.4)" (1987)
[Rebecca is polishing a trophy]
Sam Malone: What's that ugly looking thing?
Rebecca Howe: It's not an ugly thing, it's a WOBBY.
Sam Malone: What's a WOBBY Webecca?
Rebecca Howe: Can anybody else please take me home?
Anthony Tortelli: Hey, there's room in our car. You can sit on my lap.
Annie Tortelli: Darling, you're married now. You don't have a lap.
"Cheers: The Last Angry Mailman (#6.7)" (1987)
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as
[pause]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Backseat Becky.
[general laughter among the crowd]
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: Oh, looky here.
[looks in Rebecca's direction]
Sam Malone: Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Woody Boyd: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
[pauses]
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Carla LeBec, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.
Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, stop everything. I've got a major news flash. I just had lunch with Miss Howe's former college classmate, and it seems that she had a nickname at UConn.
Sam Malone: Give, give.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, he wasn't sure how she came by this appellation, but it seems that at some point during her little sojourn there, she became known as...
[pauses]
Dr. Frasier Crane: Backseat Becky.
Woody Boyd: Boy, what do you suppose that means?
Cliff Clavin: Woody, what that means is...
Carla LeBec: Cliff, Cliff, why don't you let someone who's been there tell it. Woods, she likes to do her cushion pushin' on four wheels.
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Really? You know, back where I come from, we used to say something about girls like that.
Carla LeBec: What?
Woody Boyd: Let's date 'em.
[Rebecca enters the room]
Sam Malone: Oh, looky here.
[Sam looks in Rebecca's direction]
Sam Malone: Something tells me I'm going to be completely obnoxious about this.
[everyone laughs as Rebecca approaches]
Rebecca Howe: What's so funny?
Sam Malone: Oh, we were just talking about nicknames, you know, different funny nicknames that people have. Did you ever have a nickname?
Rebecca Howe: As a matter of fact, no.
Sam Malone: Really? Nothing, huh? Not a Sparky, or Lefty, or Bubba?
Rebecca Howe: Sorry.
Sam Malone: Guys, we oughta give Rebecca here a nickname. Ah, you know, something that kind of fits her personality: kind of dignified, kind of businesslike, kind of reserved. Let me think a minute.
[pauses]
Sam Malone: Anybody?
Dr. Frasier Crane, Cliff Clavin, Tim, Hugh, Norm Peterson, Carla LeBec: [loudly] Backseat Becky.
[Rebecca slinks down behind the bar in embarrassment]
Sam Malone: Gee, that works for me.
Woody Boyd: I kind of like Bubba.
"Cheers: Rat Girl (#9.23)" (1991)
Rebecca: If I eat these, I will live longer.
Woody: I have a question. You know how you're always talking about how you hate your life. How come you want to make it longer?
[Lilith received an emergency telephone call]
Rebecca: Is everything all right?
Lilith: Yes, it was a false alarm.
Rebecca: So nothing was wrong?
Lilith: No, one of my patients set off a false alarm. But he's a pyromaniac, so for him, this is progress.
"Cheers: A Diminished Rebecca with a Suspended Cliff (#10.17)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: [to Sam] What do you say when you break up with a woman?
Sam Malone: I usually say, 'I'll call you tomorrow'.
[Rebecca is rushing out of the bar]
Rebecca Howe: Somebody cover for me.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Cover for what? You don't do anything around here?
Rebecca Howe: [sarcastically] Ha-ha.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [to Sam] Seriously, what does she do around here, anyway?
[Sam shrugs]
"Cheers: Crash of the Titans (#9.18)" (1991)
Sam Malone: [about $25,000 Rebecca says she has] Where are you going to get that kind of money?
Rebecca Howe: I have a degree, I'm a businesswoman, I just spent the last ten years in a major corporation my daddy is giving it to me.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [to Rebecca] Why do you want Cheers? I would think, for you, this bar would only have negative associations connected with it. Well, think of all the heartbreak you've had here, the forgotten goals, the missed opportunities...
Norm Peterson: Hey, it's called atmosphere, babe.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I would would think, for you, this place would have the stench of failure.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, that's Clavin. And FYI, it's not just failure.
Rebecca Howe: You know, actually Lilith, I had more productive, successful times at Cheers than I've had any other place in my life.
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: [in shock] Oh, Dear God!
"Cheers: The Beer Is Always Greener (#11.2)" (1992)
Bernard: [entering the bar] I'm looking for a Rebecca Howe?
Rebecca Howe: That's me.
Bernard: Well, hello. The name's Bernard. If I had known you were such a foxy lady, I would have worn my clean pants.
Rebecca Howe: Bernard, we need you get the phones working - the one here in the bar, and one back in the office, and the pay phone over there. We haven't had phone service in two weeks.
Bernard: Relax, pretty lady. I'll give you service. Get it? So much for foreplay.
Woody Boyd: [entering the bar] Hi guys.
Rebecca Howe: Woody, what are you doing back here?
Sam Malone: How come you're not on your honeymoon?
Woody Boyd: Honeymoon? Is that what you call it when two people lock themselves in a room and refuse to speak or even look at each other?
Norm Peterson: No, Wood. That's marriage.
"Cheers: 'I' on Sports (#6.2)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: [to Sam about giving him time off to do his sportscasts] I figure one of two things will happen. Either you'll do well, they'll offer you a job and I'll never see you again. Or, you'll screw up, humiliate yourself, come back here a crushed and broken man. Either way, I win.
Dave Richards: [to Rebecca after first laying eyes on her] I make an unGodly amount of money and I know exactly how to use it.
Rebecca Howe: You must be a friend of Mr. Malone's.
Dave Richards: Well, you know what they say, the good looking ones travel in pairs. And, uh, that certainly is true in your case.
Rebecca Howe: Do you have the time?
Dave Richards: 4:30.
Rebecca Howe: Good, because I just wanted to remember the exact moment I met the biggest jerk on Earth.
[Sam laughs at Dave]
Dave Richards: [to Sam] Tough woman, tough woman.
Sam Malone: You got that right. I wear a cup to work.
"Cheers: What is... Cliff Clavin? (#8.14)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: Why am I in the list of women you gone to bed with?
Sam Malone: They're not all the women that I've gone to bed with. Just the important women in my life, you know. I mean, the women I gone to bed with, my cleaninglady, ahh... my mother and you. 'course now that I've gone to bed with my cleaninglady that just leaves them, mom and... you.
Norm Peterson: Could I have another beer?
Rebecca Howe: I dont see any money Norm.
Norm Peterson: Yeah... yup. I really should go hit that bank machine I guess. But I hope on the way out I don't happen to just inadvertently mention that one thin Carla and I happen to know about you.
Rebecca Howe: Shut up Norm and drink your free beer.
Norm Peterson: This bluffing thing is a goldmine.
Carla LeBec: Yes, I've given you a wonderful gift my son. You must use it for good only, never for evil.
Norm Peterson: Free beer is good, right?
Carla LeBec: You learn fast, young Norm.
"Cheers: The Cranemakers (#7.16)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Woody.
Woody Boyd: Yes, Miss Howe.
Rebecca Howe: I just got my butt chewed out on your account.
Sam Malone: Must have been a real light eater.
Woody Boyd: [looking in his passport] What's this, Miss Howe?
Rebecca Howe: Oh, they just want to know who to notify in case of death or accident.
Woody Boyd: What do they think is going to happen to me over there?
Rebecca Howe: They don't think anything's going to happen, Woody. Just calm down.
Woody Boyd: What's this about not smuggling foreign meats into the country? What's wrong with foreign meat? And if there somthing wrong with it, what's going to happen to me after I've been eating it for a week? And look, it says here that if I mutilate this passport, it renders it invalid. Suppose I'm just about to go through U.S. Customs, some crazy person breaks into my luggage, mutilates my passport and fills my suitcase full of meat?
Rebecca Howe: That's a chance all travellers take.
"Cheers: Tale of Two Cuties (#6.15)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: So, did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?
Sam Malone: Oh, we sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.
Rebecca Howe: Ahh, who do they look like: Carla or Eddie?
Woody Boyd: Well, they're twins. They kind of look like each other.
Rebecca Howe: I am going to pop her. I'm going to pop her. I'm going to pop her right in the kisser. I'm going to pop her, p-pop, p-pop, p-pop, p-pop...
Sam Malone: That's good. Now do bacon frying.
"Cheers: The Big Kiss-Off (#6.24)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [puckering] Do these lips remind you of anything?
Rebecca Howe: Yeah. I think the liver in my freezer's gone bad.
Carla LeBec: [about Sam and Woody] They got a bet. They want to see who can kiss you by the end of the shift tonight.
Rebecca Howe: Why would they do such an asinine, juvenile thing?
Carla LeBec: Look at the contestants.
"Cheers: Do Not Forsake Me, O' My Postman (#11.5)" (1992)
[Andy Schroeder, the murderer who once dated Diane, comes into the bar with dynamite strapped to his body]
Rebecca Howe: [gasps in fright as she sees Andy] Oh my God.
Norm Peterson: Hey, it's Andy Andy.
Rebecca Howe: What, you know this person?
Cliff Clavin: [matter of factly] Yeah. Former major felon. Once killed a waitress.
Andy Schroeder: [yells] Where's Diane. I demand to see Diane.
Woody Boyd: Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here in five or six years.
Andy Schroeder: [surprised] Oh, really? Well... OK.
[Andy walks out of the bar as plainly as he came in]
Rebecca Howe: Guess what I kept on seeing when I was driving into work just now?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: The middle finger of every driver in Boston?
"Cheers: Finally!: Part 2 (#8.16)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: How can someone as beautiful as I am be such a loser?
Rebecca Howe: You need help! Real help, not Frasier!
"Cheers: One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape (#7.4)" (1988)
[Rebecca is trying to telephone Sam in Cancun]
Rebecca Howe: [talking on the telephone] Hello, operator. Operator. Yes, I was just talking to my fiance, and...
[pauses to listen]
Rebecca Howe: Oh. Mi talk-o to mi boy-o amigo in Cancun, and we were cut-off-o.
Woody Boyd: [overhearing Rebecca's telephone call] It's a beautiful language, isn't it?
Martin Teal: [about Sam in Cancun] Rebecca, you're not losing anything in Sam. I hear he hasn't stopped fooling around since he got down there.
Rebecca Howe: You had him watched?
Martin Teal: I didn't have to. The man's escapades have become legendary. The Indians in the mountains sing a folk song about him.
"Cheers: Cry Hard (#8.25)" (1990)
Rebecca: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute you guys. Let's not jump to any wild conclusions here. Let's just look at the facts. Now, all we really know is that Robin is using my secret password to break into my corporation's confidential files, and from the date on these, well it looks like he's been doing it since, well since the day after we first slept together. So all I think we can conclude by this is...
Rebecca: [cries out] ... I am too stupid to live.
Rebecca: [about Robin] Would it be so terrible if I didn't turn him in? What would happen?
Sam: I'll tell you, he would go to jail and you would go to jail too.
Rebecca: I know, I know. Any chance we'd go to the same jail?
Sam: Honey, how much you going to take before you realize this guy is no good for you.
Rebecca: I don't know, I don't know Sam. How much does it take when you're in love with someone. You know, I heard stories about you and that Diane girl. You put up with her for five years - five years - what about that?
Sam: Sweetheart, if I could have sent her to prison, don't you think I would have?
"Cheers: Loathe and Marriage (#11.15)" (1993)
Serafina Tortelli: [to Carla] I need to talk to you.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You're pregnant.
Rebecca Howe: Carla, that is a rude and unfair thing to say. There's a million reasons why your daughter would want to talk to you.
Serafina Tortelli: I am pregnant.
Rebecca Howe: Then again, you raised a slut.
Rebecca Howe: I did not appreciate the nude photos of yourself that you sent.
Gino Tortelli: You know, that's the best I could do with the machine at the mall.
"Cheers: Daddy's Little Middle-Aged Girl (#11.10)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: Everybody, I want you to meet my father. You can just call him Brig - that's his nickname. They call him Brig because he put so many sailors in jail.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Then why don't they call me Brig?
Sam Malone: You can't, you're not just going to pack up and go live in San Diego?
Rebecca Howe: [about her father] Why not? Who am I kidding. You heard him. I'm just a failure here in Boston.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Oh sure, I say it five years ago and get yelled at.
"Cheers: Wedding Bell Blues (#9.15)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: Guys. I have my new wedding dress. Now all I need is something old, something borrowed and something blue.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: How about Norm's liver?
Norm Peterson: I am almost finished with it.
[Robin and Rebecca are reciting vows at their wedding]
Robin Colcord: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate: Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a stay: Sometime too hot the eye of heaven doth shines, And often is his gold complexion dimm'd; And every fair from fair sometime declines, By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd; But thy eternal summer shall not fade Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest; Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade, When in eternal lines to time thou owest: As long as men can breathe or eyes can see, So long lives this and this gives life to thee." Rebecca.
Rebecca Howe: I only loved you for your money.
"Cheers: Love Is a Really, Really Perfectly Okay Thing (#9.1)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: Sam.
Sam Malone: Oh, hi.
Rebecca Howe: I wanted to thank you for your discretion.
Sam Malone: What do you mean?
Rebecca Howe: Well, not telling Robin about us was one thing, but not telling all those goons out there, I know that was a real sacrifice.
Sam Malone: Nah, no big deal.
Rebecca Howe: Yes it is. I know how much you love to crow to all your friends about your great romantic encounters.
Sam Malone: Rebecca, believe me, it was nothing.
Rebecca Howe: You have been after me for three years. And you finally got me. I mean, if I was even adequate, I know that you would have run out there and told every bozo in the bar.
Sam Malone: You don't think I wasn't dying to do that. It was making me crazy. It's just that I thought I'd be betraying our friendship. I never really had a friend before.
Rebecca Howe: You have lots of friends.
Sam Malone: No, no, I've never *had* a friend before.
"Cheers: Paint Your Office (#6.6)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: Norm?
Norm Peterson: Yeah?
Rebecca Howe: Do you find me cold?
Norm Peterson: You? Cold? Uh. I wouldn't say cold. Coolish, all right. In the brisk area, but uh... Why, who says you're cold?
Rebecca Howe: Everyone.
Norm Peterson: I don't think you're cold.
Rebecca Howe: Really?
Norm Peterson: Yeah. I always meant to tell you that, but I didn't feel as though I could approach you.
Sam Malone: [angrily] You know, I'll tell you something lady. There was a time when I was considering making love to you, but now it's out of the question. As a matter of fact, you know, I wouldn't make love to you if asked me - if you begged me - to make love to you, I wouldn't. Go ahead, just ask me. Just try. See what happens.
Rebecca Howe: Would you make love to me?
Sam Malone: Well OK, but just once.
"Cheers: The Norm Who Came to Dinner (#10.4)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: Carla, do you think I'm going to make a good mother?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Nope?
Rebecca Howe: What do you mean?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: You asked me a question, I gave you an answer.
Rebecca Howe: But, I'm serious.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Well, sorry, I'm just being honest.
Rebecca Howe: No, you're not being honest. You're being mean.
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: Sometimes you get a twofer.
"Cheers: Norm and Cliff's Excellent Adventure (#9.10)" (1990)
[Woody is giving Rebecca gifts of items he bought off the Home Shopping Channel]
Rebecca: Woody, I cannot accept these. People are going to get the wrong idea.
Woody: What, that I have a crush on you?
Rebecca: No, that I like crap.
Woody: You calling this stuff crap?
Rebecca: I'm sorry Woody.
Woody: No, no, I was looking for the right word.
Rebecca: If you don't like it either, why do you keep buying this stuff?
Woody: Not stuff, Miss Howe - crap. I buy it because it looks good on TV. And the second they flash that eight hundred number, I'm dialling.
Rebecca: Woody, this has got to stop.
Woody: Well, it has stopped Miss Howe. I went over my credit limit with this crap, unless of course you care to advance me six months on my paycheck - could be another necklace in it for you! And if you decide not to give me the advance, just keep the necklace as your free gift.
Rebecca: Woody, you are hooked. Listen to me. You need help.
Woody: [angrily] I don't need help. I just need more credit.
Woody: [breaks down in tears] You're right, Miss Howe. I do need help. I'm scared. Help me. Hurry. Act now.
"Cheers: Love Me, Love My Car (#11.11)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: [about Woody's pig, which she has in her arms] Oh, he's shivering. Should we cover him with something?
Woody Boyd: Well, not really. Maybe some honey glaze and a little pineapple.
"Cheers: The King of Beers (#11.3)" (1992)
Norm Peterson: Rebecca, has it ever occurred to you that maybe the reason you always lose is because you think you're going to lose?
Rebecca Howe: Oh, don't give me that crap. I tried that positive thinking stuff, and I knew it wouldn't work, and sure enough, it didn't.
"Cheers: Cry Harder (#8.26)" (1990)
Rebecca: Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be without Vera for twenty years?
Norm: Oh my God.
Rebecca: You see. You'd miss Vera.
Norm: Oh, I thought you said beer.
"Cheers: One Hugs, the Other Doesn't (#10.16)" (1992)
[Carla is talking on the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [yelling] This is sick. Just stop harrassing me. You'll get your money when I'm good and ready. And if you try to contact me at the workplace one more time, I'm going to turn you over to the authorities.
[Carla slams down the telephone]
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: [to Norm] Jerk!
Norm Peterson: Which one of your kids was that?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: That was not one of my kids. I don't talk to my kids that way.
Cliff Clavin: Bill collector then, huh?
Carla Tortelli-LeBec: No, it was my mother. Her social security check is late. Like it's my fault that she's getting old.
[Carla walks away]
Rebecca Howe: [to Norm and Cliff] Did you hear the way she talked to her mother. I could never talk to my mother like that.
Rebecca Howe: [running after Carla] Hey Carla, could you give my mom a call?
"Cheers: Sam Ahoy (#8.12)" (1989)
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe? Can I have tomorrow off?
Rebecca Howe: Woody, I pay you for a forty hours a week. I expect forty hours work. Besides, I need you to take me to go get my car once it's finished being detailed.
Woody Boyd: What time will that be?
Rebecca Howe: Right after my beauty shop appointment. I'm getting cellophane highlights put in my hair, then I'm going to have a manicure then a pedicure.
Woody Boyd: Pedicure?
Rebecca Howe: Yeah. I have a date with Robin tonight and I may want to play footsie.
Woody Boyd: All right, I can drive you Miss Howe.
Rebecca Howe: Good.
Woody Boyd: But after that, if there's time, can I take off?
Rebecca Howe: God, Woody. What is so all fired important about your stupid life?
Woody Boyd: Well, I cook and deliver meals to elderly shut-ins.
Rebecca Howe: [sheepishly] Oh.
Woody Boyd: You know, I normally do it on my day off, but this week on my day off I'm doing a walkathon for illiteracy. We're against it.
Rebecca Howe: Well, OK, then that would be all right Woody.
[as Rebecca is about to walk into her office, Woody grabs the glass bottle out of her hand]
Woody Boyd: Oh, oh, Miss Howe. Wait. I'm recycling glass bottles. I want this world to be clean for our children. I mean, my children... or your children... or our children. But seeing as how you got a date with someone else tonight, it seems like a long shot.
Rebecca Howe: Woody, you're so good and I'm so bad. I feel guilty and ashamed. I, I feel like killing myself.
Woody Boyd: [hands her a business card] I also volunteer for a suicide hotline. We do good things.
"Cheers: Uncle Sam Wants You (#9.25)" (1991)
Rebecca: [to Sam, about them having a baby together] Why not! I mean, we could.
Sam: Yeah!
Rebecca: Your mom did it. My mom did it. Carla does it all the time.
"Cheers: Is There a Doctor in the Howe? (#11.16)" (1993)
[Sam is outside the bar's front door, cleaning graffiti off the wall, namely the initials N.R.P. Cliff is watching him through the door's window]
Rebecca Howe: Not again.
Sam Malone: It's the fifth time this week. If I find out who this N.R.P. creep is, I'm going to really let him have it.
[inside the bar, Norm is pilfering beer out of the beer taps]
Cliff Clavin: Hurry up Norm, Sam is getting a lot faster at this.
Norm Peterson: Got it.
Cliff Clavin: Hey Norm. I know that the N.P. stands for Norm Peterson. What does the R stand for?
Norm Peterson: Resourceful.
"Cheers: Jumping Jerks (#7.8)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: Don't you guys ever watch anything but The Magnificent Seven?
Cliff Clavin: Ah, as a matter of fact, we rented The Magnificent Ambersons, but watched it for a couple of minutes, realized it wasn't a sequel, so we went back to watching The Magnificent Seven.
"Cheers: One for the Road (#11.25)" (1993)
Rebecca Howe: Can you believe that? I shoot for Donald Trump, and I end up with Ed Norton.
Dr. Frasier Crane: But you did good, Rebecca.
Rebecca Howe: I did, didn't I? Bye!
Sam Malone: See ya, Trixie!
"Cheers: The Improbable Dream: Part 1 (#8.1)" (1989)
[Rebecca has been having erotic dreams about Sam]
Rebecca Howe: [ranting, while pointing at Sam] Look at what I'm dreaming about. A bartender in an off the rack shirt with a button missing.
Sam Malone: It's not missing. I always keep it unbuttoned so that I can scratch my stomach.
"Cheers: Home Is the Sailor (#6.1)" (1987)
Sam Malone: [notices all the changes in his old office] Where's Dave?
Rebecca Howe: Dave?
Sam Malone: My moose head.
Rebecca Howe: I set him free. If he really loves you, he'll come back.
"Cheers: For Real Men Only (#8.8)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Corporate wants me to throw some idiotic stupid retirement party for some insignificant middle management nobody.
Sam Malone: You're retiring? Congratulations!
"Cheers: Bidding on the Boys (#6.8)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: This is great! We're just $2,000 away from breaking the record. How many guys do we have left?
Carla LeBec: Just Sammy.
Rebecca Howe: Oh well, there's always next year.
Sam Malone: Two thousand dollars? Oh, gee, I might actually have to comb my hair.
[he walks away]
Rebecca Howe: Come on you guys, there's no way he can get that by himself. God, if we just had one more hunk.
Cliff Clavin: All right, all right, all right.
[he gets up]
Rebecca Howe: Mr. Clavin, that is a really sweet gesture, but isn't there some regulation against government employees in uniform participating in this kind of a thing?
Cliff Clavin: Oh, that is a very salient point, and one which I came within a hair of overlooking. I thank you.
[he shakes her hand]
Cliff Clavin: Boy, I shudder to think what might of happened.
Norm Peterson: We all do.
"Cheers: Ill-Gotten Gaines (#11.8)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This will be the second one that I've cooked, and believe me the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance. It's kind of exciting for them, I mean it wasn't the same-old, same-old.
"Cheers: Norm, Is That You? (#7.6)" (1988)
Woody Boyd: Miss Howe, I don't mean to insult you, but you're looking kind of puny. Have you lost weight?
Rebecca Howe: Is this a set up? Did Sam tell you to say that?
Woody Boyd: No, ma'am. I told myself to say it. I'm worried about you, you know, if you're not careful, you're going to start wasting away and pretty soon your ribs are going to show like this guy back in Hanover, Kyle Leffers. Course he'd been dead a while when they found him.
Rebecca Howe: Thank you, Woody. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.
[Rebeca gives Woody a thankful quick peck on the cheek]
Woody Boyd: Your hair's been looking kind of ratty too.
Rebecca Howe: Unfortunately that's the second nicest thing.
[Rebecca starts to walk away]
Woody Boyd: What, no kiss?
"Cheers: Little Carla, Happy at Last: Part 1 (#6.3)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: Carla. Here's your final paycheque. I might say that you have been a unique employee, and it's going to be very difficult to fill your uniform.
Carla Tortelli: Thanks.
Rebecca Howe: You don't happen to know any other short, pregnant cocktail waitresses, do you?
"Cheers: Let Sleeping Drakes Lie (#6.18)" (1988)
[Rebecca is trapped in Evan Drake's closet]
Rebecca Howe: [to Norm, about Evan Drake] If he finds me here in the morning, he will fire me, hate me and he is never ever going to want to be my boyfriend.
"Cheers: It's a Wonderful Wife (#9.19)" (1991)
Norm Peterson: Oh, Rebecca, there you are. I've been looking everywhere for you.
Rebecca Howe: What are you talking about? You're just sitting there on your bar stool.
Norm Peterson: I know. This is where I look from.
"Cheers: Ma Always Liked You Better (#9.5)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: I think we'll just make an entrance through the alley.
Sam Malone: Oh, you got to be kidding. What are you going to do? Bust a hole in my wall?
Norm Peterson: Oh, actually Sam, you know that window - the leaded stain glass window - is in a single wooden frame, so I think you could pop it out fairly easily with a crowbar. I think the opening is like four by eight which is perfectly good for a standard entrance. You build a little staircase and you've got a nice little doorway.
Sam Malone: Boy you've put a lot of thought into this.
Norm Peterson: It's always been a dream of mine to someday retire and build a little apartment back there.
"Cheers: Don't Shoot... I'm Only the Psychiatrist (#10.13)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: You know, when I was a kid, I was the first one in my class to... you know, develop breasts. They teased me the whole year.
Norm Peterson: Oh, yeah. Me too.
"Cheers: An Old-Fashioned Wedding (#10.25)" (1992)
Rebecca Howe: Dead. He can't be dead. He just sat down to take a little nap.
Sam Malone: Frasier, are you sure?
Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm trained as a physician. Believe me, he's dead. You don't make that mistake twice.
"Cheers: The Crane Mutiny (#6.5)" (1987)
Rebecca Howe: I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
Sam Malone: Whoa, wait a minute, I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in any position.
"Cheers: The Little Match Girl (#11.1)" (1992)
Sam: Rebecca, wait, wait a minute.
Rebecca: Look, Sam, you and I don't have anything to say to each other. You said some things today that you cannot take back, and you really hurt me, and I know that what I did was terrible, but what you did was worse because you did it on purpose. I don't want to ever see you or this bar again. Bye.
Sam: Do you want your job back?
Rebecca: [in tears] I really do!
"Cheers: The Art of the Steal (#8.10)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: You've got a reputation of being uninhibited: lowdown, dirty, perverted.
Carla LeBec: You should have known me when I was a real slut.
Rebecca Howe: Let me ask you a question here. What is the wildest thing you ever did to really get a guy's attention?
Carla LeBec: Let me see. There was the time I was making love to a guy on a carousel.
Rebecca Howe: Where? At an amusement park?
Carla LeBec: No. LaGuardia Airport.
"Cheers: Those Lips, Those Ice (#7.5)" (1988)
Cliff Clavin: Say, Rebecca. Was it a big hassle getting those company tickets for Woody?
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Can you get some for me?
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Ah, I get it, employees only, huh?
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Gotcha. Can't go to the well too often.
Rebecca Howe: No.
Cliff Clavin: Then you just don't want to get 'em for me?
Rebecca Howe: Yes.
Cliff Clavin: Well, no harm in asking.
"Cheers: Get Your Kicks on Route 666 (#10.2)" (1991)
Rebecca Howe: Look guys. Postcards from Woody.
Sam Malone: [excitedly] Hey, all right.
[Rebecca hands a postcard to each of Sam, Norm and Cliff]
Rebecca Howe: Listen to mine. "Dear Miss Howe. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." What does yours say, Sam?
Sam Malone: "Dear Sam. I'm having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody."
Norm Peterson: [reading his postcard under his breath but audibly] "...having a great time on vacation. I miss everyone there, but I miss you most of all. Love, Woody." Cliffy?
Cliff Clavin: "Dear Mr. Clavin. I'm having a great time on vacation. Love, Woody."
"Cheers: Hot Rocks (#7.17)" (1989)
Sam Malone: Wait a minute. You spent all day getting dressed up. Are you trying to tell me you'd rather stay in this bar than go out with me?
Rebecca Howe: No Sam. I'm trying to tell you I would rather remove my own gall bladder with an oyster fork than go out with you.
Sam Malone: Why do you say these things to me? I mean, why do I turn you off so much?
Rebecca Howe: I don't know, it's one of those things you have to take on faith. It's kind of like I don't know the refrigerator light goes off for sure when I close the door.
Woody Boyd: Well obviously you've never tried closing it from the inside.
"Cheers: Loverboyd (#8.22)" (1990)
Carla LeBec: Yoh, Becs. What's this thing you have against rich people? I mean, you're dating a rich guy. You want to be rich yourself, right?
Rebecca Howe: Yes. And when I am rich, I will stop hating rich people, and start hating poor people. It's the American way.
"Cheers: Woody for Hire, and Norman of the Apes (#6.13)" (1988)
Sam Malone: [about using the pool room on Sundays] Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.
[general agreement from the guys]
Rebecca Howe: Well just have your pool tournament another night.
Sam Malone: [laughs] Yeah right. Like we can rearrange our schedule here, right.
Rebecca Howe: What about Monday night?
Sam Malone: Yoh, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here, doesn't speak any English. Tell her what happens Monday night, will you please.
Hugh, Cliff Clavin, Dr. Frasier Crane, Norm Peterson, Tim: Football.
Rebecca Howe: How about Tuesday?
Hugh: Darts night.
Rebecca Howe: Wednesday.
Cliff Clavin: Recovery from darts night.
Tim: Thursday's poker night.
Sam Malone: Friday's the night to howl.
Cliff Clavin: Yeah, and Saturday night is date night, so where does that leave us?
Norm Peterson: Horny on Sundays.
Sam Malone: Yoh!
"Cheers: Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back (#7.10)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Sam, guess what I've got under my coat.
Sam Malone: If I guess right, can I keep 'em?
"Cheers: How to Recede in Business (#7.1)" (1988)
Sam Malone: So what have you got there?
Rebecca Howe: A Mercedes catalogue. I'm thinking of getting one.
Sam Malone: Yeah, I hear good things about those catalogues.
"Cheers: Fifty-Fifty Carla (#8.20)" (1990)
Rebecca Howe: Woody. Are you really doing Hair?
Woody Boyd: Yeah.
Rebecca Howe: How do you feel about doing that nude scene?
Woody Boyd: What are you talking about Miss Howe?
Rebecca Howe: The nude scene. I was in a production of Hair when I was in college. There is this very famous scene where everybody takes off their clothes.
Woody Boyd: Come on, Miss Howe. It's not like I just fell off the turnip truck. That happened years ago. Back then, I might have believed this nude scene business. Actually, I guess I would have believed anything after being dragged three hundred yards down a gravel road into the rose bushes.
Dr. Frasier Crane: Woody, do you have any fond memories of childhood that you can cling to?
Woody Boyd: The roses smelled nice.
"Cheers: Backseat Becky, Up Front (#6.25)" (1988)
[Rebecca, who is driving unrequited love Evan Drake to the airport for his flight to Japan, finds out that he will be accompanied by his new lover]
Evan Drake: Anyway, you wanted to ask me something?
Rebecca Howe: [holding back the tears] Yes sir, I just wanted to tell you that... this is a lot of car to handle. I can't believe I have the strength to keep from swerving into the oncoming traffic and killing us both.
"Cheers: Call Me, Irresponsible (#7.20)" (1989)
[Carla has received a bouquet of roses, supposedly from Eddie]
Rebecca Howe: Oh, why can't more men send flowers?
Sam Malone: I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.
Rebecca Howe: I said "more men", not "Mormons".
Sam Malone: I know they can't dance.
Norm Peterson: No Sammy, that's the, ah, that's the Amish.
Sam Malone: Why can't Mormon's send flowers?
Rebecca Howe: They can.
Sam Malone: What are you talking about?
Rebecca Howe: I just wish some one would send me some damn roses.
Sam Malone: Why does it have to be a Mormon?
Rebecca Howe: [exasperated] Oh!
Sam Malone: Some people you just can't discuss religion.
"Cheers: A Kiss Is Still a Kiss (#6.10)" (1987)
[Rebecca and Woody are across the customer-filled bar from each other]
Rebecca Howe: [yells across the room with a piece of paper in her hands] Woody. What's this message: "Urgent, see Woody".
Woody Boyd: Oh, right. Ryan from the escort service called. Said there was a mistake in the booking and couldn't make it tonight. Said to be discreet about it. That's why I wrote the note that way.
"Cheers: To All the Girls I've Loved Before (#6.17)" (1988)
Dr. Lilith Sternin: I only wish there was some way I could repay you, Rebecca.
Rebecca Howe: Oh, don't mention it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin: If you ever need to admit a family member into a mental institution, I could certainly speed up the paperwork.
"Cheers: The Gift of the Woodi (#7.19)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Do you think that you could help me develop a more business-like appearance?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: I'd love to, Rebecca. And may I say, it's about time you asked. There are two approaches a woman can take in turning her look to her advantage. The first is to play upon the male's sexual drive and turn yourself into an object of desire. I have opted for the second.
Rebecca Howe: What's that?
Dr. Lilith Sternin-Crane: Scaring them stupid.
"Cheers: And God Created Woodman (#6.14)" (1988)
Rebecca Howe: [Rebecca walks out of her office] Announcement! Announcement! I just got a phone call and if things work out, it might be my ticket out of here.
[everybody cheers and applauds]
Rebecca Howe: Don't you even wanna know what it's about?
Sam Malone: There's more?
"Cheers: The Stork Brings a Crane (#8.6)" (1989)
Rebecca Howe: Oh my God, it's him, it's the Mayor.
Sam Malone: Hey, it really is the Mayor.
[yells over to the Mayor]
Sam Malone: Hi.
Rebecca Howe: [noticing what he's got in his hands] And look, he's got a little plaque.
Woody Boyd: He's probably too busy to brush between meals.
|  Movie/TV title:
Fat Actress
(7 episodes, 2005)
Character name:
Kirstie Alley
Quote(s):
"Fat Actress: Big Butts (#1.1)" (2005)
[first lines]
Kirstie Alley: [weighing herself] Oh, my God!
Kirstie Alley: [answering her cell phone] What?
Sam Rascal: Kirstie? Sam. I didn't mean to offend you with the Jenny Craig offer, alright. But the money is fantastic, and it's gonna keep your face out there, and frankly that's what the networks are gonna wanna see, you know.
Kirstie Alley: Yeah. You know, Sam, here's a news flash, okay? I'm an actress and I do television. I do television, Sam. I want my own television show. Is it so much to ask if I want my own television show again, since that's what I do for a living?
Sam Rascal: The reality is if you wanna get your own show, you're gonna have to lose some weight.
Kirstie Alley: Well, why can't I just get a show first and then lose the weight.
Sam Rascal: That's not the way it works, my friend.
Kirstie Alley: You know what, my friend, it does work that way with the guys. I mean, look at John Goodman, he's got his own show! And Jason Alexander? He looks like a fricken bowling ball, and how about James Gadol... uh... fino! He's like the size of a whale. He is way, way, *way* fatter than I am! Alright? And do you think... Sam, listen to me, listen to me! Do you think they said to Marlon Brando, listen, hey Marlon, you're a little bit too fuckin fat to do Apocalypse.
Sam Rascal: But they are all *men*.
Kirstie Alley: I can play a man! I am an actress.
Kirstie Alley: I want some fries. Where are my fries?
[shouts outside the car window]
Kirstie Alley: Can't you people learn to speak English? You live in the friggin' United States of America! I ordered french fries!
Kevyn Shecket: Did you see yourself on the cover of "Star" magazine this week?
Kirstie Alley: Ugh. How much do I weigh now?
Kevyn Shecket: Three sixty.
[last lines]
Kirstie Alley: Pretty.
[sings]
Kirstie Alley: I am pretty, I am pretty, I am pretty, I am pretty.
"Fat Actress: Charlies Angels or Too Pooped to Pop (#1.2)" (2005)
Little Jorge: So, when is the baby due?
Kirstie Alley: Eleven weeks!
"Fat Actress: The Koi Effect (#1.4)" (2005)
Quinn Taylor Scott: Okay, I've got the perfect thing. Why don't you do something exotic like umm, acquire a parasite. All three of you.
Kirstie Alley: Mmm. Where do we get parasites?
Quinn Taylor Scott: You could go on vacation, you know, somewhere exotic, like Asia, India, Africa. You eat the food, drink the water, lick a local, you get the parasite.
Kirstie Alley: Any old parasite?
Kevyn Shecket: Yeah, I vote no on the parasites.
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