Movie/TV title:
 F.R.I.E.N.D.STV Comedy Sitcom
Seasons 1 - 10 (1994 - 2004)
Character name:
Joey Tribbiani
(Joseph Francis "Joey" Tribbiani, Jr)
| | | "Friends: The One with the Embryos"
Season 4 Episode 12 - 1998
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
Ross: That is correct.
Joey: The Irish jig guy?
Chandler: His legs flay about as if independent from his body!
Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday use...
Chandler: Fancy...
Joey: Guest...
Chandler: Fancy Guest...
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven.
Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct.
"Friends: The One with the Birth Mother"
Season 10 Episode .9 - 2004
Joey: *shouts* Joey doesn't share food!
Joey: *seeing he and Ross are wearing the same shirt* Stupid Gap on every corner!
"Friends: The One the Morning After"
Season 3 Episode 16 - 1997
Joey Tribbiani: I'm all about the honesty stuff, yeah. But not the stuff that's gonna get you into trouble.
Ross Geller: She was...
Joey Tribbiani: Awful!
Chandler Bing: Not good! Not good!
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing compared to you.
Ross Geller: Different.
Joey Tribbiani: No!
Chandler Bing: Uh oh.
"Friends: The One with Frank Jr."
Season 3 Episode 5 - 1996
Joey Tribbiani: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Chandler Bing: No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!
Joey Tribbiani: You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler Bing: You're building a Post Office?
Chandler Bing: *about the entertainment center being too large* Ah, good job Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. It's big.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe all the rulers are wrong.
"Friends: The One in Barbados: Part 1"
Season 9 Episode 23 - 2003
Joey: I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I'm sorry. I don't own a TV.
Joey: You don't own a TV? What's all your furniture pointed at?
Dr. Ross Geller: *Reading his speech to Charlie* ... By using CT scans, and computer imaging, we can in a very real way bring the Mesezoic Era into the 21st century.
Charlie Wheeler: *In astonishment* It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, and you know what, that'll be even better tomorrow because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet.
*opens the door for Joey, Chandler and Rachel*
Joey: Hey guys!
Dr. Ross Geller: *to Joey* The chocolates aren't here yet.
Joey: *Walks in in disappointment* Dammit!
Charlie Wheeler: *to Joey* Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic.
Chandler Bing: *to Charlie* Oh, is it on the computer? 'Cause I'd like to give it a read.
Dr. Ross Geller: *to Chandler* If you want to check your email, just ask.
Chandler Bing: What?
*Realizing Ross caught his bluff*
Chandler Bing: 'Kay.
*Friendlily pats Ross on his chest*
"Friends: The One with Ross's Sandwich"
Season 5 Episode 9 - 1998
Joey: I think we've all learned a lesson about who's disgusting and who is not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to my bucket.
*Picks up bucket of fried chicken*
Joey: I'm only eating the skins, so the chicken's up for grabs.
Ross: You're sleeping with my sister?
Joey: *Covering for Chandler* It was only for one night. It was when we were in London.
Ross: This is not good for my rage.
"Friends: The One Where Joey Speaks French"
Season 10 Episode 13 - 2004
Phoebe: Well this looks pretty simple. Ok repeat after me, Je ma appelle Claude.
Joey: Answers, Je de coupe plough!
Joey: My audition is tomorrow. Che ble blah. Me la pee! Oublah! Poo.
"Friends: The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song"
Season 9 Episode 7 - 2002
*in Richard's apartment*
Chandler: Oh, my god. Look at this tape. It says 'Monica'.
Joey: So?
Chandler: Think about it. Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it...
*Joey looks thoughtful*
Chandler: Get there faster.
*Joey thinks for a few seconds*
Joey: Ohhhh.
*Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling*
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here.
*Joey and Chandler laugh*
Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple.
Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again.
"Friends: The One with Monica's Thunder"
Season 7 Episode 1 - 2000
*Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition*
Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: *putting his hands up* Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.
Joey: I can pass for 19, right?
Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19.
Joey: Really?
Chandler: Yes.
Joey: Seriously.
Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31.
Joey: *gasps* I'm 30.
Rachel: Joey, you are not; you're 31.
Joey: Aw, crap.
Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
*Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this*
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early, " did you mean 1986?
"Friends: The One with the Routine" Season 6 Episode 10 - 1999
Janine Lecroix: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year.
*kisses Joey*
Joey: *mumbles* Oomchimawa.
*At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"*
Stage Manager: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions?
Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air.
*Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica*
Stage Manager: Yeah. Let's start.
Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?
*in mens' room*
Joey: Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going?
Tall Guy: Good.
Joey: You know that girl who's your dancing partner?
Tall Guy: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about to bring my wife.
Joey: Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping...
Tall Guy: No.
Joey: Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her on the New Year's countdown.
Tall Guy: I can see where you're coming from. But... no. Sorry she's fair game.
Joey: ...All right, that's fair.
*throws water at Tall guy's crotch*
Tall Guy: Hey. What're you, in second grade?
Joey: Hey. You're the one wetting your pants.
"Friends: The One with the Rumor"
Season 8 Episode 9 - 2001
Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year.
Joey: What?
Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey...
Joey: Phoebe.
Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals.
Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.
Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.
Joey: How big is that?
Monica: About nineteen pounds.
Joey: That's like me when I was born!
"Friends: The One with Rachel's New Dress"
Season 4 Episode 18 - 1998
Chandler: From now on, I have no first name.
Joey: So - you're just Bing?
Chandler: I have no name.
Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you?
Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint.
Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
Phoebe: Um... Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint.
Joey: See ya later, Gene.
Phoebe: Bye, Gene.
Chandler: It's Clint. Clint.
Joey: What's up with Gene?
Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John?
Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.
Joey: If you want a strong name you should name him "The Hulk".
Phoebe: I don't know about "Hulk", but I like the idea of a name starting with "The"!
"Friends: The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel"
Season 6 Episode 2 - 1999
Monica: *on Candler moving in* Have you found a way to tell Joey yet?
Chandler: Np. I keep saying "Joey, I have to..." and then I end with "go to the bathroom". I think he may think I'm sick.
Joey: *enters the apartment* Hey, you feelin' better, man?
Monica: *on Candler moving in* Have you found a way to tell Joey yet?
Chandler: No. I keep saying "Joey, I have to..." and then I end with "go to the bathroom". I think he may think I'm sick.
Joey: *enters the apartment* Hey, you feelin' better, man?
Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I should hook up?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really? Well, when?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way. Yeah. But it won't work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler for the money and you'll marry Rachel and have the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe Buffay: But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's money and Rachel's kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.
"Friends: The One with Ross's New Girlfriend"
Season 2 Episode 1 - 1995
Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means.
Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code?
Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: *Ross enters and touches Chandler on the shoulder, who flinches*
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to theguy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: *Chandler and Ross stare at him* What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?
*after Monica gets a disastrous haircut*
Ross: How's Monica?
Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Ross: How's the hair?
Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good.
Joey: Can we see her?
Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her.
Rachel: Oh.
Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.
"Friends: The One with the Dirty Girl"
Season 4 Episode 6 - 1997
Ross: You know how you throw your jacket on a chair at the end of the day?
Joey: Yeah...
Ross: Well, like that, only that instead of a chair it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a jacket it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.
*Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag*
Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls.
*Chandler looks at the bag*
Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.
*Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present for Kathy*
Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday?
Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out.
Chandler: For three years?
"Friends: The One with the Videotape"
Season 8 Episode 4 - 2001
*debating whether to see Ross and Rachel's videotape*
Ross: You want to see it?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?
Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex.
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do YOU know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: *raising his hand* some guy.
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: *raising his hand again* Ken Adams.
Ross: I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise.
Joey: Oh... for, like, months?
Ross: Five, to be... lying. Six.
Joey: Six months? Oh, that's rough.
Ross: No, I mean, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the small things in life, like the sound of a bird, and the color of the sky...
Joey: Sky's blue, Ross! And I had sex yesterday.
"Friends: The One with Joey's Big Break"
Season 5 Episode 22 - 1999
Joey Tribbiani: Where do you wanna eat?
Chandler: I don't know...
Joey Tribbiani: I know how we can decide. I'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions and then you have to answer real fast. So, clear your mind. Clear it tight out. Clear it out. Clear it.
Chandler: Ok! Ok, it's all clear except for this image of a small, purple lamp. Is that all right if that stays in there?
"Friends: The One Where Joey Tells Rachel"
Season 8 Episode 16 - 2002
*In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel*
Ross: I don't... Rachel?
Joey: Ross...
Ross: Rachel?
*Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him*
Gunther: RACHEL?
"Friends: The One Where No One Proposes"
Season 9 Episode 1 - 2002
Joey: ...Ross, to Rachel you'll never be just
*makes quotation marks with fingers*
Joey: "anybody".
Ross: There you go!
Joey: *makes quotation marks with fingers* "Thanks"!
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Assistant"
Season 7 Episode 4 - 2000
Phoebe: Joey, do you think your favorite animal says a lot about you?
Joey: No, 'cause goats can't talk.
"Friends: The One with All the Resolutions"
Season 5 Episode 11 - 1999
Joey: 1999, the year of Joey!
"Friends: The One Where They're Going to Party!"
Season 4 Episode 9 - 1997
*when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf*
Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school?
Joey: No. I had sex in high school.
"Friends: The One with the Dozen Lasagnas"
Season 1 Episode 12 - 1995
Joey Tribbiani: *shopping for a new table* Will you pick one? Just pick one. Here! How about that one?
Chandler Bing: That's patio furniture.
Joey Tribbiani: So what? Like people are gonna come in and think "Oh, oh, I'm outside again!"
"Friends: The One Where Old Yeller Dies"
Season 2 Episode 20 - 1996
Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
"Friends: The One with the Stripper"
Season 8 Episode 8 - 2001
Joey: *on answering machine* Hey, Ross, it's Joey. There's a hooker over here and we thought you'd know something about it.
"Friends: The One with All the Candy"
Season 7 Episode 9 - 2000
*Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, and they got hooked on it*
Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! This woman tried to do a nice thing so she could get to know all of you and I bet not one of you can tell me her name.
Neighbor: ...Candy lady?
Chandler: Okay, that's it. Go home! You ruined it!
Joey: Yeah, you ruined it! You ruined it!
*goes inside the apartment, and starts eating the candy*
Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door.
Joey: *takes note* Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...
"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 2"
Season 2 Episode 13 - 1996
Joey Tribbiani: *Chandler is wearing nothing but panties* Ohohooow, someone's flossing.
"Friends: The One with the Ick Factor"
Season 1 Episode 22 - 1995
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?
Monica: Thank you.
Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?
Monica: He's... our age.
Chandler: When we were?
Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.
Ross: College?
Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?
Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.
Rachel: What?
Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?
Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.
Monica: *getting annoyed* I am 26.
Phoebe: There you go.
Phoebe: *imitating Chandler* OK, could that report BE any later?
Chandler: I don't sound like that.
Joey: Oh, yes you do.
Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
*Ross and Chandler laugh*
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
*Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do*
"Friends: The One with Joey's Interview"
Season 8 Episode 19 - 2002
Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.
Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know.
Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.
Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model.
Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.
"Friends: The Last One: Part 2"
Season 10 Episode 20 - 2004
Joey: *Chick Jr and Duck Jr are trapped in the Foosball table* Does that mean we're gonna have to bust it open?
Chandler: I don't know. Maybe.
Joey: Oh my God!
Chandler: I know, it's the Foosball table.
Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like what I'd have said in that Sci-Fi movie if I'd gotten the part: "Those are our men in there, and we have to get 'em out. Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life... my time machine."
Joey Tribbiani: It's like I would have said in that science fiction movie if I’d have gotten the part "our men are in there and we have to get them out, even if I have to sacrifice my most precious thing in the world, my time machine"
Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?
Joey Tribbiani: It did not.
Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.
"Friends: The One with Ross's Wedding: Part 1"
Season 4 Episode 23 - 1998
Joey: We're going to London, Baby
Chandler: That's not going to get annoying.
Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you.
Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.
Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go.
Chandler: You got your passport?
Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.
"Friends: The One with the Cop" Season 5 Episode 16 - 1999
Monica: What is going on with you?
Joey: Nothing.
Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day.
Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it.
Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."
Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong?
Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it.
Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta...”?
Gary: *to Phoebe* You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Joey, Chandler: Nice!
"Friends: The One with Two Parts: Part 1"
Season 1 Episode 16 - 1995
Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
Chandler: Only if you order stuff...
Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday.
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday?
Joey: When's that?
Ross: Tonight!
Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening?
Ross: You take your time.
"Friends: The One with the Red Sweater"
Season 8 Episode 2 - 2001
Joey Tribbiani: Rachel, will you marry me?
Rachel Green: What?
Monica Geller-Bing: What?
Phoebe Buffay: WHAT!
"Friends: The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding"
Season 2 Episode 24 - 1996
Chandler Bing: *Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive* Where is she, where is she?
*grabs Rachel*
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
*Chandler then sits down*
Chandler Bing: *gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in* Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: *after seeing her* Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: *Chandler gets up* Oh my God!
Janice Litman: *pause* OH... MY... GAWD!
*Chandler rushes over and kisses her*
Rachel Green, Dr. Ross Geller, Phoebe Buffay, Joey Tribbiani: OH... MY... GOD!
"Friends: The One with Joey's Porsche"
Season 6 Episode 5 - 1999
Joey: That Porsche I've got the keys to, still there!
Chandler: Shocking, since you still have the keys!
"Friends: The One with the Cat"
Season 4 Episode 2 - 1997
Chandler: *comes home to find all their possessions gone and Joey locked in the entertainment center* Are you all right?
Joey: Yes.
*Chandler opens the unit*
Joey: Aw man he said he wouldn't take the chair!
Chandler: What happened?
Joey: This guy came by to look at the unit and he bet me that a human body couldn't fit inside of it.
Chandler: So you got in willingly?
Joey: Hey, I was trying to make a sale here. Oh man if I ever see that guy again, you know what I'm gonna do?
Chandler: Bend over?
"Friends: The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss"
Season 10 Episode 1 - 2003
Rachel Green: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Is he gone?
Rachel Green: How are you doing this?
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party"
Season 10 Episode 16 - 2004
*Rachel walks out the door, without giving Ross a "good-bye"*
Dr. Ross Geller: What?! I don't get a good-bye?!
Joey Tribbiani: Lucky bastard!
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work"
Season 9 Episode 11 - 2003
Phoebe Buffay: Who's going to die?
Joey Tribbiani: Um...Man with Eyepatch!
"Friends: The One Where the Stripper Cries"
Season 10 Episode 11 - 2004
*Joey is on Pyramid, the category is "Things you'd find in a fridge"*
Pyramid Partner: It's white.
Joey: Paper... snow... A GHOST?
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Tells..."
Season 8 Episode 3 - 2001
Ross: Rachel's pregnant.
Phoebe, Joey: Oh my goodness! What?
Ross: With my child!
Phoebe: *Joey gasps* That is brand new information!
"Friends: The One with Joey's Dirty Day"
Season 4 Episode 14 - 1998
Joey Tribbiani: *talking about Chandler being depressed after breaking up with Kathy* DOn't worry. He's still in his sweats. That's phase one! Don't worry... I'll be back for phase 2.
Monica: What's phase 2?
Joey Tribbiani: Getting drunk and going to the strip club!
"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 1"
Season 6 Episode 15 - 2000
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: *looking at Ross* What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Wedding"
Season 10 Episode 12 - 2004
Joey Tribbiani: *officiating Phoebe and Mike's wedding* Friends, family, dog, thank you all for being here to witness this blessed event. The cold has now spread to my special part, so I'm gonna do the short version of this.
"Friends: The One with Chandler in a Box"
Season 4 Episode 8 - 1997
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Gunther, have you, uh, have you seen Chandler?
Gunther: *looking confused* I thought you were Chandler.
Gunther: *both look confused* But uhm, one of you is over there ...
"Friends: The One with the Jellyfish"
Season 4 Episode 1 - 1997
Joey: Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Monica: Alright, alright. I got stung. I got stung bad. I couldn't stand. I couldn't walk.
Chandler: We were two miles from the house. We were scared and alone. We didn't think we could make it.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging a huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something...
Joey: I'd seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Ross: Wait a minute, I saw that, on the Discovery Channel. About jellyfish, and how if you... Eww! You peed on yourself?
Phoebe, Rachel: Eww!
Monica: You can't say that! You don't know! I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way. So...
Phoebe, Ross, Rachel: Eww!
Joey: Yeah that's right. I stepped up! She's my friend and she needed help. And if I have to I'd pee on any one of you. Only, I couldn't... I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was just too much pressure. So, so I turned to Chandler.
Chandler: *moan* Joey kept screaming at me. Do it now, do it, do it, do it, do it now! Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming.
Joey: That's cause sometimes I scream it through my wall just to freak you out.
Rachel: Maybe there's someone you can talk to.
Monica: Yeah like who? There's no group for people like us.
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Book"
Season 7 Episode 2 - 2000
Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours.
Rachel: *shocked* Joey, where'd you learn that word?
"Friends: The One with the Lesbian Wedding"
Season 2 Episode 11 - 1996
*the Friends attend a lesbian wedding*
Joey: All these women, and nothin'.
Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding.
"Friends: The One Where Monica Sings"
Season 9 Episode 13 - 2003
Joey Tribbiani: *after Chandler fixes his eyebrows* They look great. How you doing?
"Friends: The One with the Halloween Party"
Season 8 Episode 6 - 2001
*Ross' Halloween costume*
Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas.
*Everyone glares at him like he's crazy*
Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik
*Joey enters*
Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody.
*Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time*
Mona: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.
Boy in the Cape: My friend told me you were giving out money.
Rachel Green: I was but now we got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel Green: Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween.
Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel Green: Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and I have to give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up.
Rachel Green: You shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up.
Rachel Green: Uh, I think I just did. And uh oh, here it comes again. Shut up.
Joey: Uh, Rach...
Rachel Green: No. I got it. I'm good, I got it.
*back to the kid*
Rachel Green: Now I had one more thing to say to you. Oh, right. Shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman.
*crying, running away*
Rachel Green: No, wait, shut up. I mean don't cry. No I'll get my check book.
*runs after the kid*
"Friends: The One with Joey's New Brain"
Season 7 Episode 15 - 2001
Jessica Lockhart: *while Joey is reading her character's death in the script* How does it happen?
Joey: You get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Jessica Lockhart: Jessica hates horses!
Joey: After this I'm guessing she won't be too wild about electricity either.
Joey: You're so talented.
Jessica Lockhart: I am. I am.
*Jessica is giving Joey some tips on how to play her character*
Jessica Lockhart: Well, when Jessica kisses a man, she puts her hands on the sides of his face.
Joey: *nodding* Because she's passionate?
Jessica Lockhart: No. Because that way the camera sees only her.
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Cookies"
Season 7 Episode 3 - 2000
Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick.
Joey: You're mean on the boat.
Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you.
Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean.
Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all.
Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets.
Ross: You have to respect the sea.
"Friends: The One with the Giant Poking Device"
Season 3 Episode 8 - 1996
Joey Tribbiani: If homo sapiens were in fact HOMO sapiens - is that why they're exctinct?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey, homo sapiens are people!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm not judging.
Dr. Ross Geller: I have to go to work for a few hours. Some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey Tribbiani: What did they do?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures. Let's just leave it at that.
"Friends: The One with the Worst Best Man Ever"
Season 4 Episode 22 - 1998
Joey: *Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding* Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: *looks at Chandler and then back at Ross* I'll never get to be a best man!
Joey: *about the duck* I've got him really well trained. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Crush"
Season 4 Episode 13 - 1998
Joey Tribbiani: Whoa, whoa, that was just a theory. There's a lot of theories that didn't pan out. Lone Gunman. Communism. Geometry.
Chandler Bing: OH MY GOD!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, look, a new Playboy.
Monica Geller: Yeah. Just something I picked up.
Dr. Ross Geller: Cookies and porn? You're the best mom ever.
"Friends: The One with the Prom Video"
Season 2 Episode 14 - 1996
Joey: Some girl ate Monica!
Monica: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: Ah, so how many cameras are actually on you?
Joey Tribbiani: *On Ross in the video* Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter.
"Friends: The One with the Bullies"
Season 2 Episode 2.21 - 1996
Joey Tribbiani: Monica, relax, go get a beer.
Monica Geller: I don't want a beer.
Joey Tribbiani: Who said it was for you?
Chandler Bing, Dr. Ross Geller: *monotone* Hi.
Rachel Green: What's the matter with you?
Chandler Bing: The mean guys at the coffee house took my hat!
Rachel Green: No?
Joey Tribbiani: You're kiddin'?
Dr. Ross Geller: It was ridiculous. Ya know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
Rachel Green: Hi.
Dr. Ross Geller: Hi.
*they both hug*
Chandler Bing: Ohhh
*he turns as if to hug someone*
Chandler Bing: Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Takes a Bath"
Season 8 Episode 13 - 2002
*Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her*
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings.
Joey: Oh, you do?
Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen.
Joey: I know. I mean it's Rachel. Not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel.
Phoebe: Ohh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends.
*under her breath*
Phoebe: Beat me over the head with it, why don't you.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her.
Joey: You think?
Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for all you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us girls, right?
Joey: No, not really.
Phoebe: *under her breath* Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?
Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know.
Joey: What?
Phoebe: I knooow.
Joey: Whaaaat?
"Friends: The One on the Last Night"
Season 6 Episode 6 - 1999
Chandler: I'm gonna be moving out, so you are gonna be in charge of paying the rent.
Joey: Right! And when's that due?
Chandler: First of the month.
Joey: And that's every month?
Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
Joey: Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates.
Chandler: I wish I'd known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese.
Joey: Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food of yours.
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line" Season Episode 4.7 - 1997
*after Chandler kisses Kathy*
Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line. The line is a dot to you.
*Joey finds out Chandler likes his girlfriend*
Joey: Did you sleep with her?
Chandler: No, we just kissed.
Joey: That's even worse!
Chandler: How is that worse?
Joey: I don't know, but it's the same!
"Friends: The One Where Eddie Won't Go"
Season 2 Episode 19 - 1996
Dr. Ross Geller: *about a book Rachel read* I don't know. It has trees and wind and some kind of sacred pool. I don't get it, but she's pretty upset by it.
Joey Tribbiani: This is why I don't date women who read.
Joey Tribbiani: Anybody want a cruller?
Phoebe Buffay: You see? This is a typical Lightning Bearer thing. It's like "Hello, who wants one of my falic shaped man cakes?"
Joey Tribbiani: *looks at cruller* Who've you been dating?
"Friends: The One Where Underdog Gets Away"
Season 1 Episode 9 - 1994
Joey: Hey, Mon. I have a question... I don't see any tater tots.
Monica: That's not a question.
Chandler Bing: *rushes in* Oh my god! Underdog has broken loose and is flying over the city!
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler Bing: No, no... The actual cartoon character...
"Friends: The One with the Hypnosis Tape"
Season 3 Episode 18 - 1997
*Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense*
Joey: Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88.
Frank Buffay Jr.: You think I don't know that?
*Monica dates Pete, a millionaire*
Joey: *to Pete* So, how much cash is in your pocket right now?
Monica: *to Pete* And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.
"Friends: The One with the Jam"
Season 3 Episode 3 - 1996
Joey: I imagine you marrying a blonde guy with a pool named....Hoit.
Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: *pause* You're so pretty.
"Friends: The One Where Joey Dates Rachel"
Season 8 Episode 12 - 2002
Rachel Greene: *Joey comes home from a date* Oh, thank God you're home. I'm watching Cujo.
Joey Tribbiani: *Surprised* Alone?
Rachel Greene: Yes.
*Concerned*
Rachel Greene: What is wrong with this dog?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, did you get to the part where they're trapped in the car and Cujo's throwin' himself at the windshield?
Rachel Greene: No... seriously, what's wrong with this dog?
Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then...
*breaks down laughing*
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.
"Friends: The One in Vegas: Part 1"
Season 5 Episode 23 - 1999
*Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas*
Joey: Hey Rach. How you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doing good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross. Don't let her drink anymore.
*Ross and Rachel are both drunk*
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Hey! It's Joey, I love Joey!
*Hugs Joey*
Rachel: Oh, I love Joey! Joey lives with a duck.
Joey: Hi.
*Hugs Rachel*
Joey: Alright look, I need some help, okay?Someone has to convince my hand twin to cooperate!
Ross: I'll do it. Whatever you need me to do, I'm your man.
Ross: *Sits down on nothing and falls to the ground*
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay?
Joey: Yeah. Fine. Thanks. Hey Rach, how do you doin'?
Rachel: I'm doin' good baby. How you doin'?
Joey: Ross, don't let her drink anymore!
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Husband"
Season 2 Episode 4 - 1995
*watching Joey's small role in a porno movie*
Joey: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...
Monica: I saw you eat a cheeseburger!
*Everyone gasps*
Monica: Well, didn't you?
Phoebe: I might have.
Monica: I can't believe you didn't tell me.
Phoebe: C'mon. Like you tell me everything?
Monica: What haven't I told you?
Phoebe: Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!
*Everyone runs to the window to look*
Monica: Who told you that?
*Looks at Chandler*
Monica: You are dead meat.
Chandler: I didn't know if was a big secret.
Monica: Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!
Phoebe: *Gasps* You have a third nipple?
Chandler: *to Monica* You bitch!
Ross: Whip it out! Whip it out!
Chandler: No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.
Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
Joey: I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!
Ross: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
Joey: I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!
Ross: Yes! Show us your nubbin!
Chandler: *Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him* Joey was in a porno movie!
*Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that*
Chandler: If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
"Friends: The One with Joey's Fridge"
Season 6 Episode 19 - 2000
Joey Tribbiani: Say we were a divorced couple and I got custody of the kid. Then say the kid dies and I have to get a new kid.
Chandler Bing: *looking confused* Okay...
Joey Tribbiani: *pause* GIVE ME $400!
*Chandler, Joey and Ross are talking about Elizabeth*
Joey: Or you know, you could do...
*Pushes Ross into his fridge*
Ross: What the hell are you doing?
Joey: What the hell am I doing? You just broke my fridge!
Ross: What? How do you even know it's broken?
Joey: You think I don't know what breaks my fridge? Excuse me.
*Puts hand in fridge*
Joey: What do you know? It's broken! That'll be $400.
Chandler: Joey I saw you push him.
*Silence*
Joey: You pushed him!
Ross: Joey, I did not break this, okay?
*Sniffs inside it*
Ross: That has been broken for a while.
Joey: *Seriously* Hey Chandler, remember when I told you about our fridge?
Chandler: Uh-huh.
Joey: I still haven't gotten a check for your half yet.
Ross: Do not give him any money!
*Joey turns to Ross*
Joey: I'm not talking to you, you broke my fridge!
"Friends: The One with the Fake Monica"
Season 1 Episode 21 - 1995
Joey: I'll be reading for Mercutio.
Director: Name.
Joey: I'm Holden McGroin.
Ross Geller: I just got back from the vet.
Chandler Bing: He's not going to make you wear a cone, is he?
Ross Geller: Apparently, Marcel's humping is not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey Tribbiani: *to Chandler* Hey, he beat ya!
Joey Tribbiani: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Chandler Bing: I know this one. No, wait. That was popes into a Volkswagen.
"Friends: The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends"
Season 3 Episode 13 - 1997
Joey Tribbiani: *Robert's 'goods' are on display as he reaches for a quarter in his sock. Chandler is pushing against Joey to 'keep away' from the sight* What are you doing? Get back on your side of the-
*sees Robert's 'show.'*
Joey Tribbiani: Helloooo!
Rachel: *upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her* All right... Okay. Laurie proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying Amy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey Tribbiani: *completely horrified* Beth... Beth dies?
*to Chandler*
Joey Tribbiani: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler Bing: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson.
"Friends: The One After the Superbowl: Part 1"
Season 2 Episode 12 - 1996
*Joey and Ross looking at Chandler in a bathroom stall*
Chandler: Joey, I'll give you $50.00 for your underpants.
Joey: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any underwear.
Chandler: You're not wearing any underwear?
Joey: Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
*to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore*
Joey: I'm not Drake.
Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.
Erika Ford: Is this true?
Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me.
*Rachel throws water in his face*
Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't.
*Monica throws water in his face*
Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard.
*Chandler throws water in his face*
Monica: *reading Joey's letter from his stalker* Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.
"Friends: The One with the Blackout"
Season 1 Episode 7 - 1994
Joey: Hey Mon, wanna go for a ride in my racecar? I'll bring my arms...
Joey: *mumbling over a cell phone to Chandler* Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm.
Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind.
*All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"*
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!
"Friends: The One with Christmas in Tulsa"
Season 9 Episode 10 - 2002
*Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone*
Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too?
Chandler: No, I sent everyone home.
Monica: You are such a good boss.
Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy.
Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name.
Chandler: Well, yeah...
Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma.
Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the...
Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.
"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away"
Season 1 Episode 19 - 1995
Joey Tribbiani: You're a monkey lost in the city. Where would you go?
Chandler Bing: Well, he's new in town, so he would first go to the touristy places. Okay, I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
"Friends: The One with the Secret Closet"
Season 8 Episode 14 - 2002
Joey Tribbiani: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Oh, wait, I'm not a nine-year-old girl.
Joey Tribbiani: Then why do you throw like one?
"Friends: The One Where Rosita Dies"
Season 7 Episode 13 - 2001
Joey Tribbiani: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel Green: I'm sorry? Rosita? As in...
Joey Tribbiani: As in, "Rosita does not move."
Rachel Green: Joey, it's just a chair! What's the big deal?
Joey Tribbiani: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and it's at the perfect angle so you don't get any glare coming off of Stevie.
Rachel Green: Stevie the TV?
"Friends: The One with the Nap Partners"
Season 7 Episode 6 - 2000
*Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey*
Joey: OK, well, you want a drink?
Ross: Sure what d'you got?
Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...
"Friends: The One with the Cake"
Season 10 Episode 4 - 2003
Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first.
Monica: Ok, ten.
Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else?
Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws.
Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the...
Chandler: I'm begging you stop.
"Friends: The One with the Mugging"
Season 9 Episode 15 - 2003
Joey Tribbiani: *Chandler is showing the shoes he has to come up with an ad for* Wow! Its like they're on fire!
"Friends: The One with the Tiny T-Shirt"
Season 3 Episode 19 - 1997
Joey Tribbiani: Oh I hate her with her, 'Oh I'm so talented, and ooh I'm so pretty and oooh I smell so good.'
Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler, can we please try to stay focused on my problem here.
"Friends: The One with the Soap Opera Party"
Season 9 Episode 20 - 2003
Rachel Green: You are having a party tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel Green: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you thing you were gonna get away with that?
Joey Tribbiani: I do it every year.
Rachel Green: You do it every year?
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel Green: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you guys went for that one!
"Friends: The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress"
Season 7 Episode 17 - 2001
*Host*: *after realizing Kristen, currently Ross' date, has left during their argument* Gellar, party of two?
Ross Geller: Ya hungry?
Joey Tribbiani: Does a bear shit in the woods?
"Friends: The One with the Two Parties"
Season 2 Episode 22 - 1996
Phoebe Buffay: I have the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
Monica Geller: We're not having cake. We're having flan.
Chandler Bing: Excuse me?
Monica Geller: It's a festive custard Mexican dessert.
Joey Tribbiani: Great idea. "Happy birthday, Rachel! Here's some goo!"
"Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed"
Season 3 Episode 7 - 1996
Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they... liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!
"Friends: The One with the Ride Along"
Season 5 Episode 20 - 1999
Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet?
Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense...
Chandler: MUCH sense?
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Smokes"
Season 5 Episode 18 - 1999
*Joey is trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben*
Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so!
Ross: Is this true, Chandler?
Chandler: Uh.. .um... hey, who's that at the door?
*Chandler gets up and answers the door. No-one's there*
Chandler: Oh, hi, no-one!
*Chandler steps out*
"Friends: The One Where Ross Dates a Student"
Season 6 Episode 18 - 2000
*One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class*
Chandler: So, who is she?
Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous.
Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer.
Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.
"Friends: The One with All the Jealousy"
Season 3 Episode 12 - 1997
*Ross, Joey and Chandler talk about how Ross is pushing Rachel to Mark*
Chandler: She starts thinking, 'Maybe this is the guy for me because he understands me.'
Joey: And before you know it. she's with him and you'll be all, 'Oh man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Oh, dude!' And pretty soon you'll be like, 'Hi.' And, and, 'Well I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!'
Chandler: He paints quite a picture, doesn't he?
"Friends: The One with All the Wedding Dresses"
Season 4 Episode 20 - 1998
Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, you know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah!
Ross: What's wah-pah?
Chandler: You know, whipped. Wah-pah!
Joey: That's not whipped. Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can't do anything!
"Friends: The One with the Baby on the Bus"
Season 2 Episode 6 - 1995
*Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."*
Joey: Ducks is "Heads", because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
"Friends: The One with the Joke"
Season 6 Episode 12 - 2000
Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke.
Ross: No, it's MY joke.
Chandler: No, it's mine.
Ross: No, it was MY joke.
Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?
"Friends: The One with the Breast Milk"
Season 2 Episode 2 - 1995
*Carol is nursing Ben*
Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world.
Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.
Joey: *watching Carol nursing Ben* If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?
"Friends: The One Where Estelle Dies" Season Episode 10.15 - 2004
Joey: *about Estelle* I'm going to call her and hire her again.
Phoebe: No, don't call her! Wait for her to call you.
Joey: Why?
Phoebe: Because... Patience is the road to understanding, which is the key to a happy heart.
Joey: You blow me away.
Joey Tribbiani: *at Estelle's memorial* Thank you for coming. We are here to pay our respects to a wonderful agent, and a beautiful woman. Inside.
"Friends: The One with the Inappropriate Sister" Season Episode 5.10 - 1998
Chandler: Great. Now we can go to the Ranger game. That was last night.
Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets.
Ross: Hey! I am not unemployed, I'm on sabbatical.
Joey: Okay Ross, don't get all religious on me!
"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2"
Season 7 Episode 24 - 2001
Monica Geller-Bing: Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future before us and I only want to spend it with you, my prince, my soulmate, my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!
Chandler Bing: Monica, I though this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when i saw you walking down that aisle, I realized how simple it was. I love you. And surprises that come our way, it's ok, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. You wanna know if I'm sure?
Joey Tribbiani: You may now kiss the bride. So I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New York and the internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. O WAIT! Do you take eachother?
Monica Geller-Bing: I do.
Chandler Bing: I do.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I have somewhere I need to be, so if we can shoot the scene fast, that'd be great. But, I don't need to tell you, you're a professional.
Richard Crosby: ...I'm wearing two belts.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you drunk?
Richard Crosby: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, you are!
Richard Crosby: Well, all right.
"Friends: The One with All the Haste"
Season 4 Episode 19 - 1998
Chandler: Look, the only way I will even consider this, is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
Joey: But, it's the Knicks!
Chandler: Screw the Knicks!
Joey: Woah!
*angrily points his finger at Chandler*
Joey: *pause*
Chandler: I didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
*pause*
Chandler: And the Knicks rule all.
Joey: Yeah! The Knicks rule all!
Chandler: *the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys* Open up, open up, open up!
*pounds on door*
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: *next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking* Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Dr. Ross Geller: *about Emily* She lives there. I live here. I mean, she'd have to move here.
*pause*
Dr. Ross Geller: She should move here!
Joey: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I can ask her to live with me.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why not? I mean, why not?
Chandler: Because you've only known her for six weeks! Ok? I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with.
"Friends: The One with All the Poker"
Season 1 Episode 18 - 1995
Joey: *about a poker hand* There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right?
Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep".
Chandler: And then he did.
Ross: Look, Rachel. I play to win, and in order for me to win, other people have to lose. So if you're going to play with me, don't expect me to be a nice guy, 'cause when I play poker...
*wipes his hands*
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: I'm not a nice guy.
Phoebe: Okay, Joey, your bet.
Joey: *Throws Down His Cards*
Joey: I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face.
Joey: *Looks round the group, seeing stunned faces*
Joey: Oh, I'm out
"Friends: The One with the Stoned Guy"
Season 1 Episode 15 - 1995
Joey: You like this woman, right?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: You wanna see her again, right?
Ross: Sure.
Joey: Well, if you can't talk dirty to me, how you gonna talk dirty to her? Now, tell me you wanna caress my butt!
"Friends: The One with Joey's Bag"
Season 5 Episode 13 - 1999
*Talking about Joey's top hat*
Joey: Like you can find something as sophisticated as this.
Chandler: *Puts basket on his head* Done.
"Friends: The One with the Fertility Test"
Season 9 Episode 21 - 2003
Charlie Wheeler: First, I have to see the Met!
Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there, the Mets suck. You wanna see the Yankees!
Charlie Wheeler: No not the Mets, the Met, singular.
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
Charlie Wheeler: The museum.
Joey: I don't think so...
"Friends: The One with All the Cheesecakes"
Season 7 Episode 11 - 2001
Joey: *sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake off the floor* All right, what are we having?
*takes out a fork and starts to eat with them*
"Friends: The One with George Stephanopoulos"
Season 1 Episode 4 - 1994
Monica Geller: Hey, Joey! What would you do if you were omnipotent?
Joey Tribbiani: Probably kill myself.
Monica Geller: Excuse me?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, I got no reason to live.
Dr. Ross Geller: Uhm, Joey... OMNI-potent.
Joey Tribbiani: You are? I'm so sorry.
"Friends: The One with the Kips"
Season 5 Episode 5 - 1998
Chandler: What else you got? Magazines, Diretoes... Condoms?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, you don't know how long where going to be in here. We may have to repopulate the Earth.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
"Friends: The One with the East German Laundry Detergent"
Season 1 Episode 5 - 1994
Joey: Oh my God, Angela. Well I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, that seems good.
"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break"
Season 3 Episode 15 - 1997
Ross Geller: *About calling Rachel* We just had a fight... Shouldn't I wait?
Chandler Bing: This isn't like swimming. Pick up a phone!
Chandler Bing: *To Joey* You know, that whole waiting before you swim after you eaten thing is a myth?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Murray.
Chandler Bing: Why? What happened to him?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing He just really believes that.
"Friends: The One with Phoebe's Uterus"
Season 4 Episode 11 - 1998
*Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide*
Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about?
Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period".
*everyone approves*
Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period.
Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.
"Friends: The One with the Ballroom Dancing"
Season 4 Episode 4 - 1997
Joey Tribbiani: *talking about Mr Treeger* The Guy made Rachel cry.
Monica: Rachel always cries.
Rachel Green: *crying* That is not true.
"Friends: The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS"
Season 5 Episode 4 - 1998
Phoebe: *on phone* I have found a selfless good deed. I went to the park and let a bee sting me.
Joey Tribbiani: How is that a selfless good deed?
Phoebe: It makes the bee look tough in front of his bee friends. The bee's happy and I am definitely not.
Joey Tribbiani: Uh, Pheebs, you know the bee probably died after it stung you?
Phoebe: *stares blankly* ...Dammit.
*hangs up*
"Friends: The One with the Sharks"
Season 9 Episode 4 - 2002
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I don't usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses.
Gunther: HA!
Joey Tribbiani: *turns round* Gesundheit.
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey Tribbiani: Really, great... did I actually ask you?
Hayley: No, that's just where you were going. I just figured that I'd help you out, you don't seem like the kind of guy that does this a lot.
Gunther: HA!
Joey Tribbiani: *turns round again* Seriously Gunther, you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE!
*Gunther looks scared*
"Joey: Joey and the Temptation"
Season 1 Episode 22 - 2005
Carmen Electra: Oh Joey, this is my friend Elsa.
Elsa: *Joey waves at her* Drake Ramoray! I'm a big fan. You are huge in Iceland.
*Joey frowns. Turns to Carmen*
Elsa: Maybe...
*faces Joey*
Elsa: we can share him.
Joey Tribbiani: OH COME ON!
*exits*
"Friends: The One Where They All Turn Thirty"
Season 7 Episode 14 - 2001
Chandler: *to Joey who's removing his tie* Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: *frustrated* Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Gets Caught"
Season 10 Episode 10 - 2004
*Chandler comes back with Chinese food, and finds everyone in the living room*
Chandler Bing: Hey!
Joey Tribbiani: You son of a bitch!
Chandler Bing: Is it me, or have the greetings gotten downhill around here?
"Friends: The One with All the Rugby"
Season 4 Episode 15 - 1998
Joey Tribbiani: *of Janice* So you bring her here? There's people here!
Dr. Ross Geller: I'm man enough for this.
Joey Tribbiani: Ross, you aren't even man enough to have the channel that carries this.
Janice Litman: I'm riding the alimony pony!
*braying laugh*
Joey Tribbiani: *aside* And there it is...
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Other Sister"
Season 9 Episode 8 - 2002
Monica: *Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving* My God! Somebody do something! Stop them!
Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!
Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler Bing: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler Bing: What?
Amy: *to Chandler* Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?
Chandler Bing: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
*looks down*
Ross: .
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler Bing: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you.
"Friends: The One with the Football" Season 3 Episode 9 - 1996
Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from?
Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania.
Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right?
Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.
Joey: Come on, man, you never wanna do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!
Rachel Green: Maybe there's some kind of league that we can join.
Phoebe: Isn't there a National Football League or something?
Joey: Yeah, but they only play one Mondays and Tuesdays.
Rachel Green: Oh shoot. I have to work Mondays.
"Friends: The One Hundredth"
Season 5 Episode 3 - 1998
Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say?
Phoebe: Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me.
Rachel: How do you make that dirty?
Joey: Oh, it's easy. Yeah, I-I can do it with anything. Watch uh,
*snaps his fingers and in a sexy voice*
Joey: Grandma's chicken salad.
Joey's Doctor: Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but they're too close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up the urethra!
Joey: *interrupting* Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option - what's a urethra?
*Monica whispers in his ear*
Joey: Are you crazy?
"Friends: The One with the Boobies"
Season 1 Episode 13 - 1995
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, Ma, what're you doin' here?
Gloria Tribbiani: I came here to give you these...
*hands him a bag of groceries*
Gloria Tribbiani: ...and THIS!
*smacks him in the back of the head*
*commenting on his family's dysfunctional situation*
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my Ma, like she wanted. My Ma's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know, even though she does. And my little sister, Tina, can't see her husband anymore 'cause he's got a restraining order - which has nothing to do with anything, except, I found out today.
Chandler Bing: Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain.
Joey Tribbiani: I dont care how old you are as long as you're under my roof you only live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
"Friends: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance"
Season 6 Episode 4 - 1999
*Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain*
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: *voice cracks* Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometime before Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!
*Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain*
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: *voice cracks* Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometimes before Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!
Joey: Probably a residual cheque. Can you open it? I got...
*shows his hands tied with string*
Chandler: Benefits Lasped.
Joey: Thats weird. I don't remember being in a movie called "Benefits Lapsed."
Chandler: *chuckles* It's not a cheque. They are saying your health insurance expired cause... you didn't work enough last year.
Joey: What? Let me see that. Oh no! This sucks. When I had health insurance I could... catch on fire, you know or get hit by a bus. Now I gotta be careful?
Chandler: I know what you mean, man, there's never a good time to stop... catching on fire.
Joey: Well, I guess I am gonna go get a job, I'll see ya later.
Chandler: Ok, make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
Joey: *mocking* Make sure you look both ways before you cross the street.
*turns and walks into the door*
"Friends: The One with the Free Porn"
Season 4 Episode 17 - 1998
Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
Joey: Way to be strong, man.
Mr. Treeger: *notices that Joey and Chandler have free porn* Wow, hey. That lady is all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and BAM. It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it.
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the tv. I never got it back again.
*pause*
Mr. Treeger: And I'm sad.
Joey: *to Chandler* Why would he turn off the tv?
Mr. Treeger: *notices that Joey and Chandler have free porn* Wow, hey. That lady is all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and BAM. It was like finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it.
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the tv. I never got it back again.
*pause*
Mr. Treeger: And I'm sad.
Joey: *to Chandler* Why would he turn of the tv?
Ross: What do I do now?
Joey: You play hard to get.
Ross: She already lives in London.
Joey: *Long Pause* So you go to Tokyo!
"Friends: The One with the List"
Season 2 Episode 8 - 1995
Rachel: Chandler wrote something about me on that paper and I want to see it!
Ross: Chandler isn't that the short story you were writing?
Rachel: Short story? And I'm in it? I want to read it!
Ross, Joey, Chandler: NO!
Joey: Why don't you read it to her?
Chandler: It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there... A lonely grey couch...”OH LOOK!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The End.
Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her.
Joey: Tongue?
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: Cool.
Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!
Joey: I have two words for you: threesome.
"Friends: The One Where Ross Got High"
Season 6 Episode 9 - 1999
Monica: Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did.
Jack Geller: Is that...
Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year.
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together!
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, again.
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau.
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle.
Joey: I wanna gooooo!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.
Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put peas in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you had an important relationship is beyond me.
Rachel: Joey, what is wrong with your appartment? It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Joey: Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Still not hot enough!
Ross: Meat on a dessert? That is not possible.
Joey Tribbiani: I know, and only one layer of jam? What is up with that?
Ross: It tastes like feet!
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I like it.
Ross: Are you kidding?
Joey Tribbiani: I mean, what's not to like? Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs"
Season 7 Episode 8 - 2000
Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.
Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got?
Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery.
Chandler: ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach?
Rachel: 48.
Chandler: Not bad. Joey?
Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game.
Ross: How many you got?
Joey: 56.
Chandler: *talking about a dog* What if it attacks me?
Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil.
Chandler: And that doesn't scare you?
Joey: *about Rachel's assistant, Tag* If he doesn't like you, then this is all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, you know, it just doesn't matter. It's "moo".
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.
"Friends: The One Where No One's Ready"
Season 3 Episode 2 - 1996
Joey: Here it is, buddy boy. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh, my God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear.
Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I be wearing any more clothes?
Phoebe: *entering in an elegant yellow dress* Hello.
Ross: Hey.
Joey: Whoa.
Ross: Wow, hello. You look great.
Phoebe: Thank you. I know, though.
Joey: Where's my underwear?
Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear?
Chandler: He took my essence.
Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now?
Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now.
Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight?
Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."
Joey: Okay.
*He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave*
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair.
Joey: THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE.
Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out"
Season 1 Episode 24 - 1995
Chandler: *Rachel is opening presents on her birthday*
*pointing out a gift*
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: *picks it up* OK... ah, it's light...
*shakes it*
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
*opens it*
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
*she gives it back to him*
Rachel: *Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift* This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...
*opens it*
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: *to Rachel* That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: *Rachel picks up the next gift* Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
*opens it*
Rachel: ...
*sees it is a pin*
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
*pats his Travel Scrabble game*
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica, Rachel: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: *Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel* What did you just say?
Chandler: *panicked* ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: *stuttering incoherently* F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: *rubbing his temples* Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: *pats Chandler on the leg* That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
Chandler: Men are here.
Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.
Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
Joey: Well, the tough thing is she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch...
Joey: Ya, well, i still got a week left to go in the program and according to the rules if i wanna get the money i am not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what i mean.
Monica: Joey! We always know what you mean.
*talking to Ross*
Joey: ...I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
"Friends: The One Where Monica Gets a Roommate"
Season 1 Episode 1 - 1994
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul.
Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy.
Ross: Hey, Paul.
Phoebe: Hey, Paul.
Rachel: Hi, Paul.
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Joey: Ok Ross, you're gettin a divorce... you're angry, you're hurtin... can I tell you what the answer is?... STRIP JOINTS! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: But I don't want to be single... I just want to be married again
*Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress*
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!
Joey: Hey, Phoebs, do you wanna help?
Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Ross: *after he's broken up with Carol* Hi...
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.
"Friends: The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks"
Season 5 Episode 8 - 1998
*Thanksgiving*
Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for.
Joey: Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having.
Everybody: YEAH.
Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.
*They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives*
Joey: Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives?
Phoebe: That's cause you're brand new honey.
Ross: Sir Limps-A-Lot. I came up with that.
*grins*
Ross: *pause*
Joey: You're a dork.
Rachel: Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?
Joey: Hey! It's not how it sounds!
Chandler: It is exactly how it sounds.
"Friends: The One with the Dollhouse"
Season 3 Episode 20 - 1997
Joey: *about the Director* That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
Kate Miller: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating.
Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath her sweater that counts.
Phoebe Buffay: A house for dolls. That's great. When I was growing up I had a barrel.
Joey: You had a barrel for a doll house?
Phoebe Buffay: No, just a barrel.
Kate Miller: So, what're we gonna do about this scene, huh?
Joey: I don't know.
Kate Miller: Maybe if it had more heat.
Joey: How do you mean?
Kate Miller: Well, Adrienne's looking for a reason to stay. Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta really give her a reason to stay.
Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.
Kate Miller: Or maybe he could grab her and lift her up.
Kate Miller: And then maybe Adrienne could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate Miller: And she would rip off his shirt and kiss his chest and his stomach!
Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
Kate Miller: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal...
*cut to Joey's bedroom, they both emerge from the covers*
Joey: Something like that?
Kate Miller: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
Lauren: Hi, Kate.
Kate Miller: Hi, Lauren.
Joey: Hi, Lauren.
Lauren: *long pause* Hi, pig.
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Cry"
Season 6 Episode 14 - 2000
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mom died?
Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.
Phoebe: *watching E.T* You know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for 3 days to that. No, 2. Cause on the third day my mother killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: See now that I can understand crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mom died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad, when the guy stopped drawing the deer.
Joey: *Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos* A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she is a porn star. So, I went to the adult video store and picked this up.
Ross: *taking the video* Let me see that. 'Buffay, the Vampire Layer' starring Phoebe Buffay. All right, let's check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this.
*goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV*
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute; Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: *jumping up from the table* Ursula! Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: *coming in the apartment* Hi everybody, what are you ...
*screams and points at the TV*
Phoebe: Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?
Joey: What you saw a three-legged puppy?
Chandler: I'd be sad, sure, but I wouldn't cry.
Joey: Okay, well, what if the puppy said "Help me, Chandler. All the other puppies pick on me."
Chandler: Cry? I just found a talking puppy! I’m rich!
"Friends: The One Where Everybody Finds Out" Season 5 Episode 14 - 1999 Dr. Ledbetter: Nice seeing you back on your feet. I think you are ready to come back and work with us again.
Ross: Yes, I am.
*seeing Monica and Chandler having sex through the window*
Ross: Wait, no, no, what are you doing? Get off my sister!
*rushes over there*
Ross: Stop what you are doing, I saw you through the window!
Chandler: Well, we had a good run. Five, six months, that is more some have in a lifetime. Bye.
Monica: Wait, I can handle Ross.
*opens door with her shirt buttoned wrong*
Monica: What's up, bro?
Ross: You!
*chases Chandler around the table*
Ross: You are my best friend. This is my sister.
*Rachel and Joey come in*
Rachel: What's going on?
Chandler: I think, just think, Ross just found out about me and Monica.
Joey: Dude, he is standing right there.
Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything.
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys.
Joey: Hey, yeah. Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string.
Chandler: Or we can do the actual telephone thing.
*about Ugly Naked Guy*
Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat?
Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out.
Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.
Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.
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