| Movie/TV title:
The Whole Nine Yards (2000)
Character name:
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky
| Quote(s): Jimmy: But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.
Jimmy: Yeah, whatever.
Jimmy: I take it you're not Canadian.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Only by marriage.
Cynthia: Promise me something.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Anything.
Cynthia: You'll go slow. I haven't made love in five years.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Neither have I. I've been married.
Janni Gogolack: You know I have this same car?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Really?
Janni Gogolack: No.
Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Oh, and don't forget the corpses.
Cynthia: Have you vomited recently?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: A minute ago. I was just gonna brush my teeth.
Cynthia: I'll wait.
Cynthia: You really meant it, didn't you? What you said?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: About loving you? Of course! What did you think this was all about?
Cynthia: *shrugs* Sex. I mean, GREAT sex...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *chuckling* It was pretty good... is that all this has meant to you?
Cynthia: Don't get me wrong, Oz. I like you a lot...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Well, that's great to hear, but I've got news for you. I don't generally go around risking my life for people who just like me.
Jimmy: Everyone dies.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *looks worried*
Jimmy: Sooner or later.
Jimmy: *Oz is mowing his lawn and Jimmy shows up* Hey Oz, since I'm new here I was wondering if you could show me the sites, you know?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Now?
Jimmy: *puts Oz in the car* Yeah, don't worry it's not gonna kill ya.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *quietly* Promise?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: OK, OK. Let's say that he did make a pass at you. The guy's been in prison for five years. He's desperate. He'd sleep with a meat grinder.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Damn it, Jimmy. What the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?
Jimmy: Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh my God.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I swear, I am not gonna let anybody kill you.
Cynthia: Under the circumstances, I think that's probably the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Thanks.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: He sa... he said you guys haven't even met.
Sophie Oseransky: Who you going to believe? A contract killer or your wife?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Do I have to answer that?
Jimmy: You like living in Canada?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, I live here with my wife.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Uh... it's room service. Before I vomited I ordered scotch.
Janni Gogolack: Don't blong.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: "Don't blong"?
Janni Gogolack: *Annoyed* Don't-BE-long!
Jill St. Claire: Your wife is not a nice person.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You're expecting an arguement?
Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You're a dentist?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Afraid so.
Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: You suicidal?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Why would you say that?
Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *after Frankie beats a confession out of Oz* I MAY know where he is.
Frankie Figs: Well, all right. But don't tell me. Let's go tell Janni.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Okay. You mind if I piss a little blood first?
Frankie Figs: Please, by all means.
Frankie Figs: Aren't you gonna cry out for help?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Would it do any good?
Frankie Figs: ...No.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Why did you kill him?
Jimmy: Well, I had to kill one of you.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?
Cynthia: But he knows I don't want to be married to him anymore, and like I said, he doesn't believe in divorce.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: But murder he's okay with.?
Cynthia: It's what he does.
Jimmy: My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...
Jimmy: *with increasing anger* No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?
Jill St. Claire: Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!
Jimmy: *now livid* IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!
*Jill takes the phone from Jimmy*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *to Cynthia* He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.
Jimmy: FIND OUT WHERE HE IS!
*into phone*
Jimmy: JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!
*Jill takes the phone away*
Jimmy: It's a DISGRACE...
Jill St. Claire: *into phone* Oz, you stud, you!
Frankie Figs: Gonna be a DEAD stud.
Jimmy: *after finding out Oz slept with his wife* I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah. Who knew?
*Sophie is driving Oz to the airport; he is on the phone with Jill*
Jill St. Claire: Are you going alone?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yes.
Jill St. Claire: Good, can you do me a huge favor while you're there? Go out, and get laid.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Jill!
*covers the phone*
Jill St. Claire: And call me the second you get back. Better yet, call me right after. Call me during! I want all the details!
Jimmy: *after Oz makes him laugh* You sure you're a dentist?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah. Why?
Jimmy: Because I've never met a dentist I liked.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.
Jimmy: Me, too.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: All right, maybe he won't come after us. Maybe he'll just let us go.
*Cynthia just looks at him*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: All right, maybe I can talk with him, reason with him. I mean, we're friends now, right?
Cynthia: That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?
*Cynthia just looks at him*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't want to know what happened to Harry Lefkowitz.
*Oz watches from behind a two-way mirror as Sophie sobbingly confesses to trying to murder him*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: This would be sad if it wasn't so pathetic.
Janni Gogolack: I vant you to understand, when it comes to Yimmy Tudeski, we're not talking about a human being. We're talking about a rodent! We're talking about wermin!
*pause*
Janni Gogolack: Where was I?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Wermin, I think. Wermin.
Janni Gogolack: We're talking about someone - SCREW THAT! - some THING that doesn't deserve to be breathing. The AIR!
Dave Martin: Don't do anything stupid.
Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky: Why would you say that?
Dave Martin: You married Sophie.
Frankie Figs: You what? You told Jimmy? What the hell did you do that for?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I felt sorry for him! I like him. Well, I liked him?
Frankie Figs: So you don't like him no more?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Well, it's a little hard to maintain a friendship with a man who wants to kill you.
Frankie Figs: If you sold my ass out to Janni, then told me about it, I'd want to ice your ass, too!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I know.
*Frankie sucks on his teeth*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You know, I can close that gap for you.
Frankie Figs: Really?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, you'd be in and out.
Frankie Figs: You're kidding. This thing right here?
Jimmy: You're a lucky guy, Oz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Why would you say that?
Jimmy: You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: So what are you betting on?
Jimmy: I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you. | |
| Movie/TV title:
The Whole Ten Yards (2004) Character name:
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky
| Quote(s): Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *after Oz wakes up naked in a bed with Jimmy* What the hell happened last night? And why does my ass hurt?
Jimmy Tudeski: You fell down a flight of stairs.
Lazlo: Your wife is in a safe...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: My wife is in a safe?
Lazlo: Place! Safe place! Let me finish the sentence.
Lazlo: You locked my son in the trunk?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No! No, sir. He locked himself in the trunk.
Lazlo: *pause* This I believe.
Strabo: *after seeing Jimmy and Oz in a bed together* A little male bonding?
Jimmy Tudeski: Just like C block, huh Strabo?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *in the background* I fell down the stairs, Strabo!
Jimmy Tudeski: You know I was a bed wetter?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You don't do it anymore, do you?
Jimmy Tudeski: When I was 12 I saw my father naked in a shower.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Well, that's probably why you wet the bed. Very Freudian. Jungian.
Jimmy Tudeski: Do unto others before you're turned into a pillar of salt.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: A pillar of salt?
Jimmy Tudeski: Yeah. Moses said that. Read the bible, Oz!
Jimmy Tudeski: What is this?
*referring to a tower of glasses on the table*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: It's what we've been building for the last few hours.
Jimmy Tudeski: Well, get it out of here!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Why?
Jimmy Tudeski: Because I hate it! It makes me sad.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't think God keeps an eye on your sperm. What kind of job is that for God? It'd take him all day. I'm gonna throw up.
Jimmy Tudeski: *later* Did you have a good relationship with your father?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, we were like pals.
Jimmy Tudeski: I wanna to kill my father. I want to take a icepick and stick it right in his eyeball.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Still gonna throw up.
Jimmy Tudeski: We had some great times though.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You and your father?
Jimmy Tudeski: No. Me and Cynthia.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *burps* That's almost vomit.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Would it be okay for me to ask you at this juncture who you are and what you're doing in my house?
*Lazlo's people start laughing at him*
Lazlo: I am flabbergasted!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm sorry?
Lazlo: Chagrined! That you don't see the resemblance in the facial structure!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *to Lazlo's boys* And you guys basically understand all of this?
Jimmy Tudeski: Oh no! Look it! Blanche!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: Consuelo! Xerxes! Alert the others! There's been a tragedy!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who's Blanche?
Jimmy Tudeski: This is Blanche. You killed her.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm sorry.
Jimmy Tudeski: Go home, Oz. Go home before something bad happens.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Something bad already has happened; Cynthia's been kidnapped!
Jimmy Tudeski: Blanche, put down in her prime...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: He names his chickens! You name your chickens?
*Jimmy runs away crying*
Jimmy Tudeski: WAAAHHHH! Blanche! You're DEAD!
Lazlo: Veres Yimmy?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yimmys dead! Jimmys dead! Their both dead!
Jimmy Tudeski: You refused to follow the ABCs of professional killing!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: There's an actual ABC for professional killing?
Jimmy Tudeski: Shut up!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Call Mrs. Himelfarb, remind her to floss... cancel my appointments for the rest of my life and send in as much nitrous as you can, call the FBI.
Julie: What?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: CALL THE FBI!
Julie: What's wrong?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *gets upset* What's wrong, what's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. Everything's wrong. Take a look around you. Nothing's right. Cynthia got kidnapped by a bunch of Hungarian killers. And instead of calling the FBI or police like every other rational man, I thought to myself: 'Hey, let's try to get in contact with somebody else that kills a lot of people.' So I went down to Mexico - which is heavily underdeveloped, by the way - and I asked him to help me out. Did he help me out? No, he didn't help me out, he didn't help me out. No, he didn't help me out! Know what he did do? He put on bunny slippers, shot at me and then cooked me some chicken.
*starts to calm down*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'll be okay. I'm gonna calm down and go downstairs and I'm gonna take a nice, leisurely drive in my Porsche.
*gets upset again*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Wait a minute, I can't drive my Porsche because I don't have my Porsche any more. That's gone, that's history, that's archives! We left the Porsche so we could get onto a bus and rent some other car and you know why? Because I don't. Do you know why? Some kind of GPS, I don't know, system.
Julie: What's that smell?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'll tell you what that smell is. It's me. I smell, and you know why? I've been wearing this suit for three days. I smell like ass. Or foot. Or some kind of foot that's been lodged up deep, deep, deep, inside an ass. I'll tell you the worst thing: I woke up naked next to another naked man who admittedly wets the bed. So if you talk to anybody or anybody calls here, you tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
Julie: Yes, sir.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Don't 'yes sir' me! Call the FBI!
Julie: *goes towards the phone* Calling... I'm calling.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Dial F-B-I. Call the FBI and tell them I fell down a flight of stairs!
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You believe I fell down a flight of stairs, don't you?
Strabo: What stairs?
*Oz opens the door and sees that there are no stairs*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *looks at Jimmy's feet* Are you wearing bunny slippers?
Jill: *refering to Jimmy's crucifix* Where did he get, Oz?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I don't know.
*in a flash, Jill is holding the point of a knife to his Adam's Apple*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *very fast* It's Cynthia's; she got it from her grandmother when she was a child, and Cynthia gave it to Jimmy for good luck on hits.
Jimmy Tudeski: *grabs Oz by the throat* You say you're not a squealer! Huh?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who sent you?
Buttercup Scout: Buttercup Scouts of America.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Bullshit. What troop are you with?
Buttercup Scout: What?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: You heard me. What's your den mother's name?
Buttercup Scout: Carol?
Cynthia: Jesus, Oz! What the hell are you doing? She's a Buttercup Scout.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'm not buying this Buttercup Scout routine, and besides, I think there's something in her hands.
Cynthia: Cookies. Minty Thins. This is Ellen Wasserstrom's daughter. I told her mother I would buy cookies from her.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh.
*walks away*
Buttercup Scout: Putz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I heard that.
Buttercup Scout: Jag-off.
Cynthia: I swear to God, Oz. If you look at that monitor one more time...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: I'll be taking cold showers for the rest of my life?
Cynthia: For starters.
*Oz turns off monitor*
Cynthia: You're afraid of everything, Oz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: That is so not true.
*hears balloons pop and ducks under table*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *hears and sees Jimmy shooting bullets at him* Jimmy! Jimmy, don't shoot! It's me, it's Oz!
Jimmy Tudeski: I know.
*shoots at him again*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Okay, that almost hit me!
*Jimmy, Oz, and Cynthia, are Lazlo's prisoners; Jill, outside, has Lazlo's son hostage*
Lazlo: *shouting* Where's my son?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: All right, that's it!
Cynthia: Oz...
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, I've had enough!
*suddenly tough*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: If you ever want to see your son again, you'll let us go right now.
Lazlo: Is that right?
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Yeah, that's right! And if we're not out of here by eleven o'clock, Jill's gonna put one in Strabo's forehead. Just like Jimmy put one in Janni's forehead. Oh... it wasn't pretty.
Lazlo: *enraged* Give me a gun.
Jimmy Tudeski: *impressed* Not bad, Oz.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Thanks.
*Julie, Oz's receptionist, jumps Jimmy and chloroforms him*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Who are you?
Julie: Jules. Jules Figueroa. Ring any bells?
*Oz realizes she is the sister of one of Jimmy's victims*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Frankie Figs?
Julie: *she nods* Yeah. Frankie Figs. He was my brother, and I'm pretty sure you knew him.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Okay, I'll take that chloroform now.
Julie: Yeah, I know you will!
*she gasses him*
Jimmy Tudeski: *catchs Oz and a topless Jill holding each other* What's all this?
*look to Oz*
Jimmy Tudeski: First my ex-wife, now my wife-wife.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: No, no, no! She just hated her outfit.
Jimmy Tudeski: Come here.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: *to Jill* I think he wants to talk to you for a minute.
Jimmy Tudeski: *points at Oz* No, you.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Oh.
*Jimmy grabs Oz and throws him against the wall*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Hell, you were shooting at me in Mexico. Was that all part of the plan?
Jimmy Tudeski: As a matter of fact. It was. Yeah.
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: So this is how a retired mass murderer acts.
Jimmy Tudeski: No. This is how a retired mass murderer acts when people show up uninvited.
*grabs Oz by the throat*
Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky: Noted.
| |
| Movie/TV title:
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
TV Comedy Sitcom
(1994-2004)
Character name:
Chandler Bing
| Quote(s): Ross: How do you spell Casey? Is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? *Puts phone down* Who's this Casey?
Phoebe: Some guy she met at the movies.
Ross: What does he want with her?
Chandler: I'm guessing he want to do a little dance... make a little love... and basically get down tonight.
Chandler: Oh, my God, you can do a duet of "Ebony and Ivory" all by yourself.
Chandler: Wow, so tonight might be the night. You nervous?
Joey: Nah. This is the part I'm actually good at.
Chandler: What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing?
Joey: It's okay!
Joey: Who knows what I might say this time?
Chandler: If only there was something in your head to control the things you say!
Chandler: You opened all the presents without me?! I thought we were supposed to do that together!
Monica: You kissed another woman!
Chandler: *beat* ...Call it even?!
Monica: Okay!
Monica: Do you realize that we're getting married in just four weeks? Four weeks baby, FOUR WEEKS!
Chandler: Do you realize that you get louder every week?
Monica: Chandler and I have this pact not to have sex until the wedding.
Ross: A no-sex pact, huh? I seem to have one of those going with every woman in America.
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I want to do this. Not so drunk enough that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: That's the perfect amount!
Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God!
Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Chandler *as Roger*: Here's some little known facts about couscous. They didn't add the second cous until 1979.
Chandler: I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die!
*Phoebe stares at him angrily.*
Chandler: But you're not gonna die... I mean... you-you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today... I wish I was dead.
Chandler: Ross, just for my own piece of mind, you're not married to anymore of us are you?
Ross: I am going to make myself happy.
Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room?
Ross: I am going to do one thing that I have never done before. That, my friends, is my New Year's resolution.
Phoebe: Ohh... that's a good one. Mine is to pilot a commercial jet.
Chandler: That's a good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to find is a plane load of people whose New Year's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.
Chandler: Look, I just think it's time for you to settle down, you know? Make a choice, pick a lane!
Joey: Who's Elaine?
Mr. Treeger: Hey Duck, is Chick here?
Chandler *puzzled*: Yeah... Bunny Rabbit.
Joey: Hey! We are so in luck! Treeger said we could have all this cool stuff from the basement! Wait right there.
Chandler: Oh, no. I'm paddling away.
*Joey comes back in with folding lawn chairs to finsh off the patio furnature ensamble*
Chandler: Really? We got all this rusty crap for free?
Joey: This and a bunch of bubble wrap, and some of it is not even popped.
*The Chick and the Duck walk in quacking and chirpping*
Chandler: Could we be more white trash?
Chandler: You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?
*In the boys' apartment, Rachel enters in her maid-of-honor dress and huge pink hat.*
Chandler: I'm sorry — we don't have your sheep.
Chandler: Joey, Joey. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tounge down my throat. I love this party.
Joey: Quick volleyball question.
Chandler: Volleyball
Joey: Yeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
Chandler: Joey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.
Girl's Voice: Dennis!
Chandler: Ok, that's me.
Chandler: Richard's really nice and everything, uh… It's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus, he's, you know… old.
*Monica glares at Chandler.*
Chandler: …-er than some people. But, uh, younger… than some buildings!
Ross *on the phone*: Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display.
*Pause*
Ross: No, no, no, no, Homo Habilis was erect, Homo Austrapalithicus was NEVER fully erect.
Chandler: Well maybe he was nervous.
| |
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