- "Why should I indulge myself and do a David Lean-ish kind of film? I could do my little Jewish Brief Encounter (1945) and disguise it - shorten the noses. But it wouldn't be as much fun as delivering my dish of insanity".
- I cut my finger. That's tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That's comedy.
- My movies rise below vulgarity.
- Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together.
- Oh, I'm not a true genius. I'm a near genius. I would say I'm a short genius. I'd rather be tall and normal than a short genius.
- I'm the only Jew who ever made a buck offa 'Hitler'!
- On Zero Mostel: "He could be wicked and cruel, and he could be almost sweet, loving, kind, generous. The great thing about Zero was that he was uniquely gifted. He was really, truly talented, more talented than any actor except for Sid Caesar that I have ever worked with."
- Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
- Humor is just another defense against the universe.
- On his late Blazing Saddles (1974) star, Cleavon Little: "My rule was not to eat with actors, but I enjoyed him so much that I begged him to eat with me."
- "As long as the world is turning and spinning, we're gonna be dizzy and we're gonna make mistakes." quoted in Woman's World (3-22-05 issue)
- You're young forever when you write. Alfred Hitchcock directed until the day he died. As long as you don't have any dementia or Alzheimer's, if you have your All-Bran every day and clear yourself out, I think your brains are gonna be all right.
- [on Woody Allen] Woody Allen is a genius. His films are wonderful.
- [on Anne Bancroft] I'm married to a beautiful and talented woman who can lift your spirits just by looking at you.
- [on the CIA] They don't know right from wrong. That's what makes a satire of these government bureaus [Get Smart (2008)] really funny.
- On Buster Keaton: I don't think he was a genius. Einstein was a genius; Buster Keaton was astonishing. I've never seen any human being able to perform as brilliantly and gracefully with such unusually gifted timing. There was only one Keaton. His eyes shone with a certain intensity, fire and love. His face had little expression, but his eyes were always dynamically alive. His eyes spoke more than any script could speak.
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