Movie/TV Title:
NCIS
Naval Criminal Investigative Service
Character Name:
Special Agent
Anthony DiNozzo
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Quotes:
Episode - Bounce (2009)
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sake bombs.
Agent Ziva David: Oh, I see.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I barely made it out of there alive.
Agent Ziva David: And now you hope to finish the job.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, say words.
Agent Timothy McGee: What you see before you is the DiNozzo defibrilator. It's been passed down through six generations.
Agent Ziva David: My family also has a hangover remedy. Jasmine tea with lime.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ugh! That's disgusting! Remind me never to have a hang over in Israel.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well that's my name, it's not my signature, but that's my name. And to think I almost made it an entire year without being accused of murder.
Desk Clerk: The guy did look a lot like you.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not helping.
Desk Clerk: Was a little more fit though.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm more interested in why the star witness from your case showed up in your duffel bag!
Renny Grant: ...He wouldn't fit in my Samsonite.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee.
Agent Timothy McGee: What?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Victim's background, credit cards, bank statement. Gibbs, take a look at Renny's appeal, use it to catch yourself up on the original embezzlement case. Then work with McGee.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: On it, Boss.
Agent Ziva David: [to Gibbs] Are you going back to Mexico?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Agent Timothy McGee: Rule number 38?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Mmhmm.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs enters] Oh, hey Boss. Uh, Jethro. Did you catch up on Renny's embezzlement case?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes, and I went through his appeal.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let me guess, wasted three years of his life.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, you did. Kid was innocent.
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Renny Grant: What am I look at anyway for tampering with a crime scene?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's going to be up to the judge. If you're lucky, time served.
Renny Grant: And my appeal?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll write you letter.
Renny Grant: Better be a hell of a letter!
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [walks to Renny] I promise, it will be!
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got something?
Abby Sciuto: I had something four minutes ago!
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why didn't you call?
Abby Sciuto: That's not how it works. When I find something Gibbs immediately walks through the door. Have you forgotten all your training?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I remembered your Kaff Pow.
Abby Sciuto: Horse shoes and hand grenades, DiNozzo.
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Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo. But the killer didn't know that, so if I'm him, I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a Federal Agent. Hmm maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our motive. We just need our killer.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo enters] May have just found him. Abby matched a print from Renny's Hotel room to one of his former co-workers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear up!
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
Agent Timothy McGee: We've just never heard you say that much in one time.
Agent Ziva David: Or in a week!
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wasn't my job before. Come on!
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Burning Bed. 1984 Farrah Fawcett.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Torched her husband while he was sleeping. Second wife's favorite movie.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe Commander Davis's wife is going for a sequel.
Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee enters holding an envelope] Hell hath no fury...
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Like a woman scorned. Third wife's favorite quote.
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Agent Timothy McGee: [Reading a note] "Paid a Private Investigator to follow my wife. Just thought you should know what he found."
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The other husband how kind of him. What did they say?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Misery loves company.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where did you get that? Your fourth wife?
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Jimmy Palmer: Yeah... I guess if I put an innocent man in prison the last thing I'd want to do is ask him for help. But I'd do it anyway!
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks Palmer. Again.
[DiNozzo leaves]
Jimmy Palmer: That's Agent Palmer.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Save the pep talk, we both know I screwed up.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, three years ago. But now you're making it right. And me proud. You've been doing a hell of a job, Anthony. Until about three minutes ago. Get your head on right.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What would you like me to do?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trust your gut.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think I'd rather trust yours right now.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Moving closer to DiNozzo] Then give me my damn phone back!
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[to Gibbs after being told he's leading the investigation]
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This doesn't mean you're going back to Mexico, does it?
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, say words.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: To think, I almost made it a whole year without being accused of murder.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about how he met Renny] My first case as boss three years ago when you took your Mexican sabbatical... intermission? It was a hiatus really.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] Ok, not so open and shut. You know that happens sometimes... to the rest of us.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm more interested in why the star witness from your case ended up in your duffel bag.
Renny Grant: He wouldn't fit in my Samsonite.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! Talk to me Abs. Here you go.
[hands her a Caf Pow]
Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: The room was luckily really clean. Because you know hotel rooms can be a forensic scientist's biggest nightmare, Gibbs.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby! I'm not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: Yes you are. Because if you're not there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita sprained her ankle in the 6th frame and Mr. Giggles escaping...
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mr. Giggles?
Abby Sciuto: Stay on topic, Gibbs.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not Gibbs!
Abby Sciuto: Ok. Tell me. I can take it.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's just upstairs.
Abby Sciuto: Wait! No I can't.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Rule 38.
Abby Sciuto: [happily] Oh!
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Abby Sciuto: I am cooking up some awesomeness.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Awesome me!
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Agent Timothy McGee: [of Tony as the boss] He walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like... He's behind me. Isn't he?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Smirking.
Agent Timothy McGee: Good timing. How long were you standing back there?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: About two minutes.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, I want all the transcripts from Renny's embezzlement trial. McGee, interviews. If he worked with them, you're talking to them. Gibbs. Good campfire.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's our missing murder weapon.
Abby Sciuto: It's our messy murder weapon. Which is weird because most killers rinse before they repeat.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That was a neat trick. I'm gonna have to remember that for the next time I want someone to think that I'm a complete moron.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know I would never drink on a school night.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Where were you last night?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Drinking.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Alone?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course not! Not that there's anything wrong with drinking bourbon alone in your basement with a boat. What were we talking about?
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Episode - Truth or Consequences (2009)
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We just have to stay alive long enough to not get dead.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not only are you wrong, you're wrong at the top of your voice.
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Saleem Ulman: A mixture of Sodium Pentothal, several other agents effective in extracting the truth. It will not take long for it to start working.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're going to be dead soon. Truth or not? I tell you I think this stuff's working already.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Our team consists of a gang of four. Tight knight. My partner is Tim McGee, small muscles, big brains, heart of a lion. Together we're viturally unstoppable. Virtually. Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine sniper, coffee afficionado and functiional mute.
Saleem Ulman: And the fourth member of your team.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Lost her.
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Saleem Ulman: You were driving the desert with out back up. So what are you doing here?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well Saleem, there' only one force on Earth that can short circuit a man's better instinct. Put fire in his veins. Make him dive head long into danger with no regard for his own well being... Vengeance Saleem. I'm here to kill you.
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Saleem Ulman: Got my B.S. from Yale University.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yale? Got my B.S. on the streets.
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Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, really? Tony picks? Because, you know, coming from anyone else, that might be considered a lapse in judgement.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Okay, you both pick.
Agent Timothy McGee: That makes much more sense.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't trust me to be professional?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No casting couch.
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Agent Timothy McGee: [Referring to a prospective replacement] She's unflappable.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's unflappable.
[Candidate runs out of the conference room crying. Gibbs hands folder to DiNozzo]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Strike one.
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Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Dunham says the Mossad presence has increased in North Africa.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Prepping for an offensive?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or course correction. Clean up a failure.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What kind of failure?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The kind with casualties.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby Scuito. NCIS resident forensic scientist. Heart and soul. A paradox wrapped in an oxymoron. Smothered in condraticions in terms. Really the happiest Goth you'll ever meet.
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Abby Sciuto: And no one's telling us anything. So we have two options.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And they're both illegal.
Agent Timothy McGee: Hack into Mossad...
Abby Sciuto: Or hack into Vance.
Captain Rebecca 'Becky' Hastings, USAF: Oh that's it! I'm outta here!
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah I forgot about her.
Agent Timothy McGee: So much for the daredevil.
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Abby Sciuto: We've isolated the needle in the haystack. An analmoly, one specific characteristic.
Agent Timothy McGee: Brand name import. Not easily available in Europe or Africa.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got all the way from the United States, at high cost, high difficulty.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: What are we talking about?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby holds up her Caf-Pow] Ta-Da!
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Agent Ziva David: Out of everyone in the world who could have found me. It had to be you.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're welcome. So, you glad to see me?
Agent Ziva David: You should not have come.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right then. Good catching up. I'll be going now.
[Starts to rise, then sits back down]
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah, I forgot, taken prisoner.
Agent Ziva David: Are you all right, McGee?
Agent Timothy McGee: Just glad you're alive.
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Agent Ziva David: Why are you here?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Couldn't live without you I guess.
Agent Ziva David: So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow, you guys have a whole little thing going on. But I get it. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Bob's your uncle. I'm hip. I dig it.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good. Got a volunteer?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I volunteer myself and Special Agent McGee for the secret fact finding mission thingy. That's not so secret in the Sahara. What are you gonna do?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You don't want to know.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good talk.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well I told you about the. The brains. I told you about the guts, I told you about the muscle, the scientist, the politician, the leader, I told you about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.
Saleem Ulman: Which is?
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm the wild card. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right? But I'm not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies. You know where Arnie's strapped to the chair shot full of truth serum. Picks his cuffs, and kills everybody. You have 30 seconds to live Saleem.
Saleem Ulman: [Saleem chuckles] No, you're still bound. You're lying.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can't lie. And I didn't say I was the one who was going to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after hearing that Ziva's ship sunk with no survivors] After that business as usual lost all meaning.
[everything becomes blurred and each character is seen from Tony's perspective]
Agent Timothy McGee: Blah, blah, blah. Computer stuff. Blah.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Autopsy report.
Abby Sciuto: Words! There's so many words! And there's thinks and-and stuff and emotions. Thanks for listening.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got a dead marine. Grab your gear. Got a missing kid. Grab your gear. Some idiot smuggled a koala on a submarine. Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear. Grab your gear.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No!
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Former Gunnery Sergeant Marine sniper, Coffee aficionado, and functional mute.
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Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then there's Special Agent Timothy McGee. Big brain, small muscle, heart of a lion.
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Abby Sciuto: I've been trying to contact Ziva in ever way possible!
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Psychics, telepathy, or crystal balls?
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Saleem Ulman: I don't make bargains.
Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But, do you make pizza?
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Episode - Service: Shalom (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking on the phone with Ziva] We've been trying to contact Gibbs, but we haven't been able to reach him.
Officer Ziva David: Ah! Why didn't you say so?
[hands the phone to Gibbs]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! You have 10 seconds to explain why I'm not in Mexico building my teek watertub. 9... 8... 7...
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee any hits on the BOLO? You completely forgot about.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This one's on me, Boss.
[Slaps the back of his own head]
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Officer Ziva David: [Speaking of DiNozzo] He's been insufferable since you left.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking at DiNozzo] That true?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] When I have to be!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Maybe I did leave the right person in charge.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's not my point! Six months ago you were convinced that I killed a woman and chopped of her legs!
FBI Agent Ron Sacks: Well, I'm still not convinced that you didn't.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exactly.
FBI Agent Ron Sacks: So, Ziva David is being framed. By who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, that's what I intend to find out.
FBI Agent Ron Sacks: Hah! Good luck with that.
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Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, isn't that the guy who tried to put you away for murder?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes it is. Thank you for bringing up a painful memory McGee.
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NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [to Tony and Sacks] You two up here, now!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Director, would you please tell agent Slacks...
FBI Agent Ron Sacks: Sacks, it's Sacks!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would you please tell agent Slacks that we're gonna be handling this one in house?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I just assured your director that the FBI will be getting NCIS's complete cooperation in this matter.
FBI Agent Ron Sacks: Thank you, ma'am.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: If Ziva attends to contact your or anyone on your team, I want you to notify both myself and agent Sacks, immediately!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is a complete...
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: This is an order from your Director, agent DiNozzo. Is that clear enough for you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Almost crystal, ma'am.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What did I tell you about worrying Probie?
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: That it's your job.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: See. You're learning.
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Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Tony] It's good to see you again, McGee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: DiNozzo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What did I say?
Officer Ziva David: [to Gibbs] You called him "McGee."
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [to Ziva] Hmmmm..That's probably because if I had left him in charge you wouldn't be on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list right now.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But you do remember...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That I left you in charge? Yeah, I remember that I left you in charge DiNozzo. What I forgot, is your taste in coffee. It stinks.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] Hey! My team now. My rules. DiNozzo's rule number one, I don't sit on the sidelines while one of my people are in trouble.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Federal authorities! They mean us. Four stinkin' letters - NCIS!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: It's either that story, Tony, or the FBI charges you with interfering in their investigation.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I can live with "Federal Authorities."
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Listen, um, about what happened between us before...
FBI Agent Ron Sacks: No hard feelings. I get it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No I was going to say I still pretty much hate your guts, Sacks!
FBI Agent Ron Sacks: Me too, DiNozzo! Me too.
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Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I still look like your boss?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, maybe if you shaved. Haircut wouldn't hurt either.
[Gibbs laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, the smile thing's definitely throwing me off too!
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Agent Lee, my favorite probie slash hall monitor.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There is only one thing you need to know about Officer David.
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Don't make her angry.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So technically really there's two things. The other is, she can take care of herself.
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[after Palmer asks for a code name]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Palmer, how does Blacklung sound?
Jimmy Palmer: Like a horrible and painful way to die.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No one's gonna think less of you if you want out Palmer.
Jimmy Palmer: Really?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well no. They probably would at least I know I would.
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Abby Sciuto: I talked to Ziva yesterday.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't bowl with nuns. I should have seen that one coming.
Abby Sciuto: I do! Ziva made me promise not to tell.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Why would Ziva care we knew that you bowl with nuns?
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Episode - Chimera (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well whatever it is must be pretty scary if it got them to ditch this delicious looking - What is this?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't ask me. That's not a request it's a command!
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as McGee stumbles while taking photos]
Steady Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tell that to my stomach.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [leans down to McGee's stomach] Steady Probie's stomach.
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Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know, the last time you were dying of a horrible disease, you were a little more stoic about the whole thing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I was younger then. Carefree.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was two years ago.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Last time I almost died someone blew up my car! So that's twice I've almost died, and this is the third time! And bad stuff happens in threes! And I'm out of almosts! I'm telling you, man! This time I'm dying! I know it!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ok, but until you are actually dead, will you please help me fix this thing?
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Officer Ziva David: Someone or something is on the ship, with us. I can feel it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [peering over DiNozzo's shoulder] Uh, yeah, I can see it.
[a large rat is eye-level behind DiNozzo. He turns around, sees the live rat, and jumps back in fright. The rat scurries away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sighs]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [smiling] Scared much, DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stuff it in a barf-bag.
Officer Ziva David: It's just a cute, little rat. Why the irrational fear?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not cute. It's not little. And it's not irrational.
Officer Ziva David: Cowardly, then.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not if you're, uh, someone who survived a bout of pneumonic plague. Thank you very much. Rats are a known carrier. I used to love rats, back before the plague. Was a regular 'Willard.'
Officer Ziva David: What is a 'Willard?'
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's a movie.
Officer Ziva David: Mm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Willard had a pet rat named Ben, was a social misfit, made fun of by his coworkers, had a creepy boss.
Officer Ziva David: No wonder you're related.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You think Gibbs is creepy?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She meant the social misfit, made fun of part.
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Officer Ziva David: Shh! Did you hear that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Timothy McGee: No.
Officer Ziva David: There's something aboard. Other than a rat.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do your astute, ninja Mossad senses tell you it is?
Officer Ziva David: In the Mossad, part of the training is to be open to things you cannot see, or even understand.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You mean the supernatural.
Officer Ziva David: Call it what you want, not everything can be explained by the laws of the natural world.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You believe in ghosts?
Officer Ziva David: I do not, not, believe in ghosts or demons or monsters. We are on a ship called The Chimera.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thought 'chimera' meant a delusion or fantasy.
Officer Ziva David: In Greek mythology, a chimera is a monster with a lion's head, a goat's body, and a dragon's tail.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So you think they named this ship The Chimera because there's a monster on board.
Officer Ziva David: [sarcastically] They. did. not. name. it. The. Puppy!
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat, firey explosion. Or Redford and Newman in Butch Cassidy, in a hail of bullets.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in Gold Rush.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How'd he die?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Silently.
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NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [singing] Baa baa, black ship. Have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, but in order to see it you're going to need top secret government clearance.
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NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Looks like someone tossed a lot of cream corn to make room for him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't say that again, please.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Tossed?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. Cream corn.
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Abby Sciuto: Now place two drops of the methalane blue on your slide.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony adds the drops] We're good.
Abby Sciuto: Of course blood that's passed through someone's G.I. tract has a very particular smell.
[Tony sniffs the slide]
Abby Sciuto: But since this guy may have died from a highly contagious virus, whatever you do don't inhale!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [slight pause] We're not good!
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [staring at his forearm] Anyone else feeling itchy? Maybe that's a bug bite.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a rat bite.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, no, no. Look at that spot.
Officer Ziva David: It's a freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not a freckle.
Officer Ziva David: Freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Never had a freckle there.
Officer Ziva David: You've always had that freckle.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, how would you know whether I had a freckle or didn't have a freckle? And by the way, I have never had that freckle!
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Officer Ziva David: I know there was something there.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sarcastically] Like my freckle?
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Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, get this to Ducky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? That's a dead, diseased rat.
[Gibbs gives him a look]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which is why it may aid Dr. Mallard in his investigation. Which is why I'd be pleased as punch to walk back through this ship with a dead, diseased rat.
Officer Ziva David: You can show Ducky your freckle.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You ever see Run Silent, Run Deep?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The run silent part sounds good.
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Feel my head.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just feel it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't want to. It's all sweaty.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exactly. I got the frickin' fever. I'm burning up man.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The ventilation's off, Tony. We're all burning up.
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Special Agent Timothy McGee: [looking through a bag] Transponders?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: From what?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: My guess, E-prebs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's my guess too. What are E-perbs again?
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Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [carrying a dead rat] Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Films That Take Place on Ships" for 500. Thank you.
[the ship's lights go out]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.
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Episode - Dead Reckoning (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe he had an appointment: doctor, dentist. Check his calendar McGee
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: No. Soon as I start going through his stuff, he's gonna walk in a catch me. Forget it!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I cannot believe it. I'll do it!
[Starts to go to Gibbs's desk, then pauses]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Tony, watch the elevator. McGee the stairs. Now!
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NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about to track Gibbs's cellphone] Where is he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Forget it he's gonna know.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How would he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Because he knows everything.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: McGee do it. We need to know he's okay.
[McGee starts the search and DiNozzo's phone rings]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Two block area of Anacostia.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Checking the caller ID on his phone] It's him.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: We're dead.
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Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Look I dislike Kort as much as you do but the truth is...
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh really? You dislike him as much as me? He tried to kill me! He blew up my car!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: I'm sure he had his reasons.
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Trent Kort: Status on Borealis.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a boat, it's missing. Status on you is you're really irritating and I wish you were missing!
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NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Hitmen have arrived] We gotta go?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry Sterling: What's she gonna do?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom now!
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Trent Kort: Status on the Borealis?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a boat, and it's missing. Status on you is you're really annoying and I wish you were missing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Trent Kort] I see your lips moving but all I hear is "lie, lie, lie".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm gonna kill this guy before Siravo does.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Glad you could join us, McTardy.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Where's the boss man? I need a superior to sign off on this.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Give it to me. I'm clearly superior to you in many ways.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as an anchorman] In a tragic tale of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was found in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat and an even larger bottle of bourbon. Film at 11.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Taking tips from Trent Kort now? Why don't we just run with scissors or talk to strangers. Maybe they've got candy.
Trent Kort: Go to hell, DiNozzo.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Feels like we're already half way there.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[as Kort tries to follow him and Gibbs into MTAC]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, no. That visitor's badge only gets you in the lobby. It's not a backstage pass. Tell you what, what you can do is run downstairs to the gift shop, get yourself something nice, like a mug or a T-shirt or a personality.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall!
[indicating the Most Wanted Wall]
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Ran his prints. The coma guy is Jonathan Siravo.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The master of pirates. Can't change his own diaper, but running an international crime syndicate. That he can do in his sleep. You lied to me, Wall!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: So, Perry was Siravo's accountant. Set up his living will after the motorcyle accident.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Used his power of attorney to access his holdings and begin building his network.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Meanwhile, the public face of the empire would never be seen anywhere, but here on the Wall.
[whispers]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're the real victim here aren't you, Wall.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Model Behavior (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My dad cut me off when I was twelve. I had to earn all my dates the old-fashioned way.
Officer Ziva David: Begging?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Ziva David: [referring to one of the supermodels] You really find her attractive?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah.
Officer Ziva David: Well I want to shoot her.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The camera must've added about ten pounds to me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Actually, that was your refrigerator, Probie.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee, photos. Ziva, interview the rest of the models. DiNozzo...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, I'm pretty familiar with the show. Maybe I should interview them.
Officer Ziva David: That would work for me. I hate models.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That so? McGee, help Ziva. Interview them.
[shoves the camera into Tony's chest]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any other suggestions DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I think I got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Gibbs and the director] Anyone else think they were more than just partners back in the day?
[realizing Gibbs walked up behind him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hi, Boss. We were just talking about Cagney and Lacey.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abby Sciuto: [holding a vase of black roses] They're for you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're really black. Really, really black.
Abby Sciuto: It's pretty cool, huh?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
[reads the card]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Get well soon?
Abby Sciuto: They didn't have a card that said "Sorry I almost sent you to prison" at the flower shop.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know what to say. Abby, these...
Abby Sciuto: Just say that you don't hate me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I could never hate you. I don't think anyone could hate you.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, you don't know Billy Bob.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You gave him black roses?
Abby Sciuto: No. I gave him two black eyes. He tried to fun me over with a Harley Fat Boy when I was sleeping in the living room.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A guy rode a motorcycle through your living room?
Abby Sciuto: Yeah. No. Well it was his living room. My Harley. Billy Bob had, um, intimacy issues.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abby Sciuto: [handing him black roses] Don't forget to water them, or they'll die.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought they already were dead.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Supermodels date guys who look like George Clooney, or have George Clooney's bank account, or of course the actual George Clooney.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannah Bressling: Fingerprint away, sweetheart. It wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We don't need it. They're already in your arrest record.
Officer Ziva David: From the time you beat up your assistant with your cell phone, I believe.
Natalie Vance: Well, it wasn't me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. We've got yours too.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, remember that time you drove your SUV through the front of the Limelight.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [describing "Bootcamp Babes"] Three hot, young babes learning what's really important in life.
Officer Ziva David: Defending their country?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. Firing machine guns while wearing bikinis.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Ziva David: He's been up in the Director's office for half an hour.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anybody around here think that they were more than just partners back in the day?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [realizes that Gibbs is right behind him] Hi boss, we were just talking about Cagney and Lacey.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Deception (2006)
Officer Ziva David: Lt. Commander Wilkinson drives a 2002 silver Jetta.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Figures.
Officer Ziva David: What figures?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Chick car.
Officer Ziva David: Meaning?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There are guy cars and there are chick cars. It's a known and irrefutable fact.
Officer Ziva David: Was it a government study?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's just a thing you know, you don't know how you know it, you just do. Sebring, Liberty, Jetta and Bug; whole VW line are all chick. Mustang, Camaro, Escalade, PT Cruiser: all guy. Hummer is very guy, but with adequacy issues, and then there is some that go both ways.
[Officer David steps on the breaks and points at a silver car]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's an Accord, not a Jetta. But, case in point, Mini Cooper and Accura follow the same category.
Officer Ziva David: Uff, you've giving this a lot of thought, it's very sad.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then there is the Miata, it's a special case: Leans to chick, but can go guy, usually means he's in denial, though. STOP!
Officer Ziva David: Gladly, if it means I don't have to listen to your automobile gender issues.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after entering Wilkerson's house] Nice job with the lock by the way.
Officer Ziva David: Thank you, it was a very simple pin-and-tumbler design.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So are handcuffs. But I bet you couldn't get out of a pair.
Officer Ziva David: Are you saying, you'd like to handcuff me, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not really my thing, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: I see. You're the one who likes to be handcuffed, then, huh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [quietly to Ziva] Will you please calm down. This guy is a little jumpy, and nervous, so just relax. No sudden moves, all right?
[Ziva removes her cuffs, and attacks the security guard, and takes his gun]
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: No. No! Don't shoot! Don't! Don't shoot!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nobody's gonna shoot anyone. Right Officer David?
Officer Ziva David: He called me a dirtbag.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Sorry, ma'am.
Officer Ziva David: Ma'am?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Ziva's driving as they're searching for Wilkerson's car] Just out of curiosity, who taught you to drive?
Officer Ziva David: I did!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ross Logan: Look our best hackers haven't been able to track
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You haven't met our hacker.
Ross Logan: He's good?
Officer Ziva David: Does a bear sit in the woods?
Ross Logan: [slight chuckle] Are you the crackerjack team on this job?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's Israeli.
Officer Ziva David: Look I know I got the bear thing right.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs quickly accelerates the car] Where we going now Boss?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The mall!
Officer Ziva David: And they have a problem with my driving?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] That's a nice suit. You didn't get married again, did you?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Make any sudden moves, I shoot. Do we understand each other?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, relax, Quick-draw. We're feds.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Yeah? What agency?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Officer Ziva David: NCIS
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never heard of it.
Officer Ziva David: It stands for Naval Criminal Investigative Service.
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: Never heard of it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You never actually get used to it. You think you will, but you never do.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enough about me. Let me guess: Pilates?
Officer Ziva David: Very good, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am an investigator, it's kind of what I do.
Officer Ziva David: Mm-hmm.
[puts her feet on her desk, her feet are covered with tape and blood]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I thought you said you were doing Pilates?
Officer Ziva David: Isn't Pilates one of your Martial Arts?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. It's kind of like expensive stretching.
Officer Ziva David: Mm. Well then, I guess I wasn't doing a Pilate.
[starting to take the tape off her feet]
Officer Ziva David: Mind giving me a hand with this?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes I do. Whose blood is that?
Officer Ziva David: Not mine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony answers the phone in front of two Teenagers] Ops. Yeah. It's DiNozzo. Hey Mattie, I need to requisition two sets of genital cuffs, and I gotta requisition the Mark-5 Taser again. No you don't have to clean them, I'll wear rubber gloves. Thanks.
[hangs up the phone, and presses the speaker button]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm thirsty. Can I get you something to drink?
[Danny and Tim shake their heads]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You really should because interrogation makes you a little dehydrated.
[starts to walk away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay.
[turns around]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, before I forget, any history of testicular cancer or high blood pressure in the family? Okay, you know what? You guys think about that for a second, I'm gonna do a little refill, and we'll talk about the boring stuff later, funny guys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A train track?
Abby Sciuto: Yes that would be the obvious choice. But there isn't a second thunk or a thack not even a thock in that track.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby Sciuto: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Security Officer Chuck Parnell: [into his radio] Central. I got two suspects claiming to be feds.
[no response]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No little red light on the radio, means the radio not working.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Corporal Punishment (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Ziva hitting his abdomen] Do it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: As hard as she can?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: As hard as you can.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's how Houdini died.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Officer Ziva David: It is possible. I do not remember all of their names.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [makes a lot of grunting noises] Ok, do it!
[winces in preparation]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering the room] Escaped mental patient.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's exactly what I'm thinking.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chris Jenkins: You're done in here, already.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, don't need to look in the one place we know he isn't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, listen up people. Our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes.
Officer Ziva David: It has been three hours, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is four miles per hour.
Officer Ziva David: He is not on foot. He's in a car.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What I need from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farm house, outhouse, hen house, and dog house in the area. Our fugitive has a name and it is...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: The Tommy Lee Jones speech every time we have a fugitive, really?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When you're dealing with someone on the run, you need to be able to climb inside his head. Think his thoughts. What would he do? Where would he go?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did a one armed man kill his wife?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would he dress up like a clown and join a traveling circus, like Jimmy Stewart in "The Greatest Show On Earth"?
Officer Ziva David: Do any of your ideas come from reality?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sure. Just not your reality.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ziva stabs a can to open it for McGee whose shoulder was dislocated]
Officer Ziva David: Straw?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, I'm good. I got the one arm. Thank you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe it was you, McGee. The one armed man. Thought it was one of those vets we met at the Walter Reed Hospital.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wrong case, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do we even have a case? We already got the guy. What are we doing? What did we miss? What's happening?
[Ziva looks confusedly at McGee]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They gave him pain killers.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My fingers are fing-ing.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abby Sciuto: Tony, I'm so glad you -
[pulls back]
Abby Sciuto: smell like garbage.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Ziva David: I felt overwhelmed temporarily, which does not often happen to me, when we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee exchange looks]
Officer Ziva David: What? What is this look?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nothing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You like him.
Officer Ziva David: I thought he was powerful.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You really like him.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who are you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Officer Ziva David: I said that I have feelings. Not that I'm having feelings.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [to Ziva about Werth] Itching for a rematch?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What? No funny movie reverence?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not funny.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Stakeout (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [looking at the breakfast take out that McGee brought back] I said scrambled. You haven't gotten a single order right in 4 days.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're eggs. Eat 'em.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I don't like sunny side up. Sunny side up oozes. They look like eyes. They're looking at ya. I bet your burrito is just the way you like it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You want your eggs scrambled?
[takes container and shakes it]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're scrambled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's happened?
Officer Ziva David: Goldilocks and Papa Bear found a bed that is just right. Personally I think she could do better.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Officer Ziva David: The jack she is with is gross.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You mean john.
Officer Ziva David: You know him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Ziva David: [after realizing that the radar has been stolen] I would not want to be Gibbs right now.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I would not want to be McGee anytime.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [talking over earwigs] I'm a sworn federal agent, Tony. I can't just stand by and watch a felony go down.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a good idea, blow our stake out over a $50 crack deal. If Gibbs doesn't slap you silly, I will.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, you're gonna slap me?
Goldilocks: If that's what you want, honey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Go for it, McFreaky. Goldilocks is just your type.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Bite me.
Goldilocks: That'll be extra.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [realizing he has ink around his eyes from the binoculars] You're a dead man, McGee.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't look at me, Raccoon Boy. It was Ziva.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I have a gut feeling about this.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why do I have a gut feeling?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goldilocks: [after calling in a tip] There's a reward, right?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes.
[pointing to McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You get him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is crazy! I'm taking pictures of an empty room.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: At great personal expense, I'm afraid. I agreed to be Tom Hubbard's Bridge partner at a tournament next month. A weekend in hell.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Det. Andrea Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well that would have been nice, yeah.
Det. Andrea Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What makes you think it was a social call?
Det. Andrea Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Come on, McGee. I'm starvin' like Lee Marvin.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Light Sleeper (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, Ziva, about what happened back at the bomb...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't have to say it boss, we know how you feel about us.
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs, we're a team, that's what we do.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I was going to say: If either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pause] That's our boss.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo, I want to know about anybody in the area who's made threats against Koreans, foreign Marine wives, or women.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, is that all?
[Gibbs kicks DiNozzo's desk]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On it boss!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're evacuating the building, boss and the a... ah... That's a really big bomb.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You think, DiNozzo?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Ziva David: This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, it isn't. If it was you'd be dressed differently.
Officer Ziva David: And you'd be far better looking.
[McGee laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] You'd be dead by the opening credits!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Did you ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about their sensitivity training] There's gotta be a way out of this. Maybe I could injure myself.
[Ziva bends back one of his fingers]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: OW!
Officer Ziva David: What I was only trying to help.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy Palmer: I always say, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your family.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: There's a touch of the poet in you, Mr. Palmer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd say you're just more touched.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gina Goodwin: I guess the polite term, Agent DiNozzo, would be "bastard." He was always borrowing my husband's tools and never returning them. I should've known something like this would happen.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stealing tools is not really a prerequisite for murder, Mrs. Goodwin.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you an expert on interviews now?
Officer Ziva David: Interviews, no. Interrogation techniques, yes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like hooking a car battery up to a guy's privates? I'm sure it's effective, but judges tend to frown on it.
Officer Ziva David: I've learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Flies.
Officer Ziva David: What do flies have to do with honey?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Flies don't like vinegar.
Officer Ziva David: Vinegar?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's complicated.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo is talking about celebrity gossip] DiNozzo, shut up.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Shutting up, Boss.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like my father always said, "Be careful who you marry, Anthony. She may end up being a homicidal maniac."
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Officer Ziva David: Probably he knew your taste in women.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Ziva David: This isn't one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, Ziva. If this was a movie, you would be dressed differently.
Officer Ziva David: And you would be much better looking.
[McGee Giggles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You would be dead before the opening credits, Probie!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You ever think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Marine Down (2003)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Because he probably killed them.
[robbing a grave]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is so not right. I mean, it's not like we couldn't have done this during daylight.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You afraid of ghosts, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I'm afraid of getting shot for trespassing
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We break into Gibbs's basement and we set his boat on fire.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I haven't got high enough clearance to access those records.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What's your clearance?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Confidential.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Confidential? What'd you do, kill someone in high school?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha! That's funny, Kate. No, I screwed up my paperwork with another agent's.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Agent Tony DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They yanked my clearance. Now I gotta take a physical to get it back.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why's that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: To prove that I'm still alive.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [woman is buried with her dog] Must've been one lonely old lady.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or one pissed off poodle.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Hmm. Well, I hate to break it to you, Tony, but Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Name one.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: The man's been married, like, four times.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There is that.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: There is what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nothing, boss, just discussing the case.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Or, ah, lack thereof. You still wanna look at those less?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I dunno. You figure out how Kidwell died yet?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I'll, um, I'll just get them in order for you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate. It was three times. Not four.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Duck, we don't have time for stories on this one.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Fine. But first I have a question. Do you people find me, boring?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [speaking simultaneously with the others] No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Of course not!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Absolutely not.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Can we get back to this now?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Uh, Gibbs, is there anything you wanna tell us about?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I got shot at by our fake colonel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [rising up] No way! Did you nail him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tired Kate?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: It's 3 AM, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Better get moving then.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On what?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Need to know where the newspaper was published that was found in Kidwell.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Tonight?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Technically speaking, it's this morning.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We got their R.U.C. number but they're not listed in the Marine Corps Database.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wouldn't be they weren't working for the Corps. Definitely C.I.A.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well, how do you know that?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How many agencies you know that drive economy-class armored cars? Come on, Ducky wants to talk to us.
[Gibbs walks away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's really pissed off!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What? How can you tell?
[Tony glares at Kate shakes his head then walks away]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I really need to get better at reading men!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - One Shot, One Kill (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment. 'Cept for that minty fresh urine smell.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: For your information, I have a maid now.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just tell me he's wearing his vest.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He said it was visible under his shirt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I knew it! If the sniper doesn't kill him, I will.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Floors are scummy.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I would have taken the floor.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No. You would have made some comment about sexism in the workplace.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I'll do it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nah, you're just humouring me.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You think his recruiter told him a fast one?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I doubt it.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs, and getting away with it?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why are all these dolls, naked?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't ask me, Boss. Must be a Goth thing.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh boy! We've got a major problem!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you see?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: A shooter who is highly intelligent, and methodical. Out of a thousand bricks on this wall, he only removed the one he needed.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Next time drive a little faster, Tony. I think my glands have an ounce of adrenaline left.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Response to a crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: It would help if the investigators didn't puke all over the crime scene.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Brings back memories.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Memories of what?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Marriage.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We can get the trajectory, no problem.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The competition's gonna be for the bullet.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't think the unfortunate Staff Sergeant Allen isn't going to be much use there. The bullet passed clean through.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then I suggest we help our good friends, the FBI, find it. Tony, make a hole.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ducky] Scalpel.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate, find the bullet.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as he finishes setting up the sensors] You know if this works, Abs, you're a genius.
Abby Sciuto: Oh Tony, tell me something I don't know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I once dated my high school music teacher.
Abby Sciuto: Really? What was his name.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [fake chuckle] Cute.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you think I could pass for a marine?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know, let's shave your head and find out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Hung Out to Dry (2003)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You ever jump?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure, when I get an electric shock.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone in a jar of paint thinner?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, dear.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, I should have realized the time of year. It's his anniversary.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which marriage?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, the last one, of course.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky. I'm not following.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him repeatedly.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why doesn't he, ah, change his number?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He could've given Thumper a dirty chute.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you say?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Ramsay could've given Thumper a sabotaged chute.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, you said dirty.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: With Gibbs, you never know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We ever gonna make the eleven o'clock news?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Coulda happened tonight if you'd broke your neck.
Jimmy: We were hanging out, listening to Dashboard Confessional.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Emo.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Emo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Emotional music. Gotta get a radio, Gibbs.
Corporal Paul Brinkman: Why are you jumping with us, sir?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Always wanted to jump. Agent Gibbs came along to laugh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Dinozzo, what're you doin'?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just doin' a little research for Abby.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For Abby?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, maybe I'm servin' two masters.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're servin' one, now.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: How did you get into NCIS?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I smiled?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category that want a kick in the ass on the ground.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: ID withheld...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probably the reason you married her. I mean, she probably hid her real personality as most women do, and by that time it was too late because you'd already. I'm gonna shut up now.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Now?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You knew Lt. Roberts wasn't going to lawyer us access to the Military DNA Database.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did I?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You did. So why go through the exercise?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kate, I come from a long line of horse traders. First Rule: You pick the best horse in the barn and you work the deal until it bursts.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That way when you go for the second best nag you get her for a song.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: The search authorization...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: We didn't have probable cause, but the Lieutenant, he's a man who aims to please. You never work the system when you can work the people.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Did any of those horse traders get hung?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, a few.
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Episode - Left for Dead (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: According to you or me?
[Tony needs a place to stay for the night]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. I remember, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, listen. I was younger then. Immature, a little unfocused...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What is with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF - and they're all B's.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.
[talking about his eyesight instead of working]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: 20/10, same as Ted Williams. He could see the seams on a fastball coming at him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How 'bout my knuckles?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: She's bonding.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kate and Jane Doe?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh, yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet. Her eyes pleaded for help.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Love that look in a woman.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Speaking of dates to work from, we've worked together for 2 years, and I have no idea where you live.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well I just as well kept it we kept it that way.
[Ducky leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right.
Abby Sciuto: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not funny, Boss. Besides, I could open a chastity belt.
Abby Sciuto: Have you ever seen one? Mine's awesome! It's 18th century French.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You have a chastity belt?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know, Abby. And not enough about this key.
Abby Sciuto: Gotcha!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I love to hear that word out of your dark lips, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Hey guys. What's you'd find?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Kate willing to give her bedroom to Jane Doe. But not me.
Abby Sciuto: [mockingly] Shocking.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Got all teary eyed over a body she didn't know?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's a nice lady, Gibbs!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Oh yeah, so you keep telling me.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [at the crime scene] Okay, let's get to work.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't have a body!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go find one, Duck.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Here?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure, how many times have we had multiple victims?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Quite right, Jethro.
[Ducky walks off. Tony chuckles slightly]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's slick, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Getting Ducky off, so he won't bug us with stories about the...
[Gibbs stares at him]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We better get back to work.
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Episode - Sandblast (2006)
Josh Cooper: [Josh 1s planing to join the Corps, DiNozzo is trying to talk him out of it] They killed my dad! What would you do?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd want justice. What you're looking for is revenge.
Josh Cooper: That's right. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: See, that just leaves you with a bunch of toothless blind people.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did I miss something?
Officer Ziva David: Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie, you got the woods. I got the far side.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee hesitates] Uh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Poison ivy, Boss. I just- I look at the stuff and I break out.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't look!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Looks like you've made up your mind.
Josh Cooper: Special Agent slash mind-reader.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well when you're good, you're good.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [as Gibbs approaches Abrham] What the hell is he doing?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What he always does.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Four marriages. Negotiating's probably not his thing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You'd be surprised.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: I have been so far.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Better have fatal disease DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Josh's mom called, he's looking for payback. Wants to skip Princeton and join the Marines. I went to talk him out of it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Did you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know Boss.
Officer Ziva David: However this cell is operating, they found a way to do so without leaving a shred of evidence.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Other than the dead marine.
[Gibbs walks away. DiNozzo whispers to Ziva]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Ziva is disarming a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.
Officer Ziva David: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you talking about? I don- I don't know what you're talking about.
Officer Ziva David: I'm talking about you and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Officer Ziva David: See anything good?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, real good. But I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying...
[Ziva cuts a wire]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [tense pause before finishing] over.
Officer Ziva David: "Not worth dying over."
[zips up her jacket]
Officer Ziva David: I'll remember that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What if I said it was?
Officer Ziva David: Now you'll never know.
Mamoun Sharif: Who am I talking to?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [simultaneously] Me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Boxed In (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [locked in a shipping container with a large crate of cash] I'll tell you what. When we get out of here, I'm gonna buy you a house!
[Ziva chuckles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But it's going to have to be a fake one - because these are counterfeit.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll tell you this, when we get out of here we're watching "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait, back up a second. You were with McGeek?
Officer Ziva David: No, he was with me. I was making him dinner.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why would you make McGeek dinner?
Officer Ziva David: I like to cook.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You cook?
Officer Ziva David: Jimmy seemed to like it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Palmer? I've never even been to your place and you're cooking dinner for McGee and the autopsy gremlin? At what point did the Earth fall off its axis?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not getting a signal. How about you?
Officer Ziva David: [holds up her cell phone] No. I'm braless.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I noticed that earlier. But on your phone they're called bars.
Officer Ziva David: Careful. This thing could be booby trapped a dozen different ways.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then why are we opening it again.
Officer Ziva David: Because if it is a bomb, it might be armed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey, listen, if this thing goes off, I just want you to know that...
Officer Ziva David: This is not your fault. I know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, no. I was gonna say that your life would've had more meaning if you'd slept with me.
Officer Ziva David: If you had anything else on your mind. Perhaps I would have.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really?
Officer Ziva David: No.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [explaining how he knows the money is counterfeit] The ink. It smells.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, like ink.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, our money doesn't smell.
[pulls a bill from his pocket]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Here. Try it. Give it a little sniff
Officer Ziva David: [sniffs it] That smells like stale alcohol and your armpit.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sniffs it] Yeah. The point is, it doesn't smell like ink.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So, riddle me this Batgirl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?
Officer Ziva David: Why, feel a little left out, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I mean, McGee, I can understand. He's a good guest. I bet he brought a bottle of wine.
Officer Ziva David: And dessert.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, big surprise there. But Palmer? I've had more stimulating conversations with cats.
Officer Ziva David: Best sex movie?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Body Heat. William Hurt, Kathleen Turner. Smart-noir. I like the whole sweaty, chair through glass door thing.
Officer Ziva David: I prefer the air conditioner on, and if somebody threw a chair through my door, I would probably shoot them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode - Hide and Seek (2009)
Abby Sciuto: Gear up!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: There's a gun found Navy Base Housing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call out. A. There are thousands of guns on a Navy Base.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: B. You're not Gibbs.
Abby Sciuto: And it was recently fired.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison, NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It does not warrant a call out.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] You heard the lady, Gear up!
Abby Sciuto: They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip.
[Hands Gibbs a cup of coffee]
Abby Sciuto: Only you can drink this swill.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Speaking of a magazine] You know what my father would've done to me if he found this in my room?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stolen it back?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Slap me in the side of the head with it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That sounds vaguely familiar.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: This reminds me of the forest I used to have fun in as a child.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What? That Israel had forests?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No that you had fun as a child.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Ziva chuckles] Oh sure, my father used to blindfold us, and take us into the middle of the forest. And then we had to find our way out, by ourselves.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I stand corrected.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Their mom's are going to help us find the body?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: They're not coming to help us find the body. They're coming to be with them when they do.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, right.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh yeah, I forgot. Old man McGee was navy wasn't he?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's right. Yep. This was my childhood. It's just like these kids.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Which one were you: the skinny one, the quiet one, or the one with the hot mom?
[Realizes the mothers are behind him within earshot]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boys!
[DiNozzo runs after the boys]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, tough time at the Pawn Shop?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [Ziva sighs] I ran into a stone wall.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Brick wall.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No! It was stone wall! I backed up too quickly.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why would I buy a set of clubs that Ducky could not use?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why? Oh gee, let me think. I don't know. Maybe because if you don't buy them, I will tell Ducky that you destroyed his one-of-a-kind, hand-crafted, hickory-shafted, vintage golf clubs.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Notices Ducky standing nearby] I think you just did.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky walks closer] Let's just call it even, Timothy. That Jazz albumn that I borrowed from you.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: My original vinyl pressing of Django Reinhardt's Crazy Rhythms?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Yeah. You were right. It was unique. It was original.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was autographed. What happened to it?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Good question.
[Ducky leaves]
Episode - Love & War (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The sadness I hear when you talk like this. You don't know who these people are. It could be a 45 year-old overweight man in Minnesota. I mean like you said, you two haven't even met yet.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What part of Level 5 sorceress don't you understand?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: All of it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enjoy it while it lasts, women are trouble. Haven't you learned anything from me?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, not to go undercover with a doctor whose father is the world's biggest arms dealer.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's low Probie.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What did you think would happen?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. The flaw in the plan, was the plan. But I got another plan to end it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right! One more time and I'm going to rip that Bear's head off again!
Beary Smiles: Gear up DiNozzo. Got a body in Quantico.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't mess with me!
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You have to tell him the truth!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why don't we just bring her in?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, what are we going to put on the warrant, Probie? "Gibbs's gut?" - Not that it wouldn't be valid- I'm sure that...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Talk to her friends.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's like I said "It's always the maid."
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No. You have said "It's always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to Abby's lab." But you have never once said maid.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anyone ever tell you, your memory can be real buzzkill.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about the dead "hired gun" from a murder] Hired by who?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Whom, Tony. Who is the nominative case. Whom always follows a preposition.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Traffic bad?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Dreadful.
Episode - In the Zone (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo and Jardine are staying in a hangar] Oh yeah, just like home. If you happen to live in an airport.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why the hell are you here? Really?
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: Cause it's gonna look really good on my resume.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's not why she's here.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So um, you got any leads on Ali's whereabouts?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, you're in the same city as him! We're ten Time Zones away! Why did you go to Iraq again?
Marine Major Ike Varnai: Good question!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well let us know. And put my Kill Bill Mug back on my desk, McGee!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Major, a man in your unit was murdered! Is there a reason you don't want to know who did it?
Marine Major Ike Varnai: Sure I do. I'd also like the war to end, the electricity to work, and for all the tribes to get along.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [trying to examine a witness's body] Major Varnai, this is a crime scene!
Marine Major Ike Varnai: This is Baghdad, Agent DiNozzo. The whole place is a crime scene!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So Major, when you heading home?
Marine Major Ike Varnai: 5 months, 16 days, 2 hours.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where do you think you're going?
NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine: Just got off a transatlantic flight. Need shower.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, well crime scenes don't wait. Showers do! Besides
[turns on the faucet brown water comes out]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not even I would shower in that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after accusing the Major of murder] Sorry about that, just doing my job.
[the Major walks away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [chuckles] I hate it when that happens. Awkward moment.
Episode - Cloak (2008)
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Who was that guy?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony takes a seat] Well, there's this little drinking game sailors taught me during my time as an agent afloat. Someone calls for a coin, you pull out one of these.
[Pulls out a coin]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Whoever has the highest officer's coin, whoever's rubbed elbows with the biggest brass, everyone else has to buy him drinks. That's who that guy was. The downside here is someone is lying to us. The upside is,
[Flips the coin to Ziva]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: we never have to pay for a drink again.
[Ziva looks at the Sec Nav Coin]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [regard Domino] Leave it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's bogus, DiNozzo... The whole installation is bogus.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Nothing is real?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just the threat.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know who it is?... Do we know who it is?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Someone close to us.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: How would he arrange for Lee to shoot Langer?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Easiest way.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Mole is
[Lee exits the elevator and walks to them]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: benign. Which is fantastic because I was a little worried. And so the dermatologist said "That's not a carcenoma. It's a beauty mark." Hey how are you Michelle?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The last thing I remember before the lights going out was you kimbo slicing through a room full of guards. Was that a reflex?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Yes! It was. Gunshot went off. I saw you.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [long pause] I'm tired of pretending.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: So am I.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's dinner theatre for an audience of one. When's the curtain going down.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You let the toothpick use us as puppets.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, I didn't.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You didn't?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. It was my plan.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Your plan?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Every bit of it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. That's much worse!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Wonder what they're doing up there?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Does the Navy still hang people?
Abby Sciuto: [Abby stiffens up] Tony!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well it is treason, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What else can they do? There's no way she walks out of here.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: No way.
[Abby clears her throat. Everyone watches Agent Lee walk past them]
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: Good night everyone.
Marine: What is your clearance?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: About 6 feet 1 and a half. Why, you got low ceilings?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: What is this place?
Marine: That's classified.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Classified? What do you got in there? Aliens? Big Foot? Ark of the Covenant? That only leaves one thing.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [in unison with Ziva] Unicorn.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: [in unison with McGee] Unicorn.
Episode - Driven (2006)
Officer Ziva David: If red light is for sexually assaulting a co-worker, what color is for murder?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, how's black light sound?
Officer Ziva David: Works for me.
Torsten Engler: All I'm saying, Agent DiNozzo, is our entire team is under a tremendous amount of stress. We're competing against dozens of teams. Three and a half years of work, and it all comes down to a single proof of concept test.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Robot car race?
Torsten Engler: In crude terms, yes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you get if you win?
Torsten Engler: Recognition in my field.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What about one of those cool trophies like they hand out in Nascar?
Torsten Engler: I wouldn't know. I'm a scientist, not a... redneck.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It is the fastest growing sport in the country.
Torsten Engler: I rest my case.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [at a sexual harassment seminar] What if you slap someone in the back of the head like this?
[slaps the back of McGee's head. McGee hits him back]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Tracy Taylor: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pause and looks at Gibbs] No, I was just wondering. That's all.
Tracy Taylor: From the video it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the work place: a coworker with "elevator eyes" looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or picture of a sexual nature...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] If you're lucky.
Tracy Taylor: a coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Officer Ziva David: [to Tony] If you're really lucky.
Officer Ziva David: [after falling on top of McGee] That had better be your handcuff.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, this is a classic yellow light situation.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Curious to find out what follows red light behavior, Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Uh... potential pregnancy?
Officer Ziva David: Test results come back already?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yes, I'm pregnant. McGee's gonna be very proud.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [singing while posing as a busker during a surveillance on a group of diners in a nearby restaurant] In my perspective, I see the people from the big jet plane. The woman looks Teutonic. She drinks a vodka tonic and two bald men sit with her, waiting for a fourth. They are not going to order than main course, until that person comes.
Episode - Dagger (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo sent pictures to McGee's Phone. McGee hands his phone to the Director] Hey Probie, what am I looking at?
NCIS Director Leon Vance: A career in the fast food industry.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're not showing up on the map. Let me restart the scan.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Might want to hurry. Ziva's turning in circles. Either the trail's gone cold, or she's about to mark her territory.
Officer Ziva David: Looks like Lee was telling the truth.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe.
Officer Ziva David: "Maybe?" It is a little girl being chased in the field.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe that's the plan.
Officer Ziva David: What plan?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Exactly.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How can you work with someone for three years and not know they have a kid?
Officer Ziva David: Just because you work with somebody everyday does not mean you know everything about them.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really? So I shouldn't know about that tattoo on the inside of your...
Officer Ziva David: I meant, I can understand someone wanting to keep their personal and professional lives separate, as should you. It did not end very well when you fell in love when you were undercover, did it?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks for the memory.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Define lost, McGee. I know exactly where we are: between a tree and a bush directly under the sun.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss, this is a crime scene.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, I know. Document everything. Get the hell out there! Whoever's behind this could come back.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it.
NCIS Special Agent Michelle Lee: What do you want me to say?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't want you to say anything! Had enough of your lies.
Episode - Bloodbath (2006)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: So this was an accident?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Abby, doesn't have accidents!
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Well Abby also doesn't have enemies. I mean it's not like we're talking about Agent DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! Ma'am.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're not so sure it was an accident, Abs.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Not sure, meaning what?
Officer Ziva David: We think whoever set up the crime scene might be after Abby.
Abby Sciuto: [chuckles] Me? Who'd want to kill me? I mean, Tony I understand, but...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Or, maybe it was just a lab accident. I mean, really, who would wanna kill Abby?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know that's true. It's not like someone was after Tony.
Officer Ziva David: Now there is a suspect list I would not want to run down again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ya! Ha-ha! Ha-ha! I think the joke's over. We get it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after McGee's chair has been confiscated by Gibbs, for failing to protect Abby the night before] Where's your chair?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: He doesn't deserve to sit.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: With that ass?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it back, Tony. It was a gift.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: From who? Your wet nurse?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. From me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice calendar, Boss.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Take a look at the blood drips on the wall. It's a little Jackson Pollock, but notice anything?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They're emanating from a central point.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Step off, McFlower-Power.
Abby Sciuto: I dated him last year and things just got a little out of hand.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did I mention the restraining order?
Abby Sciuto: Ok it was lot out of hand.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Why didn't you come to me, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Because, Gibbs, I wanted him restrained. Not beaten to a pulp with a baseball bat.
Episode - Heart Break (2004)
Anthony DiNozzo: [as Gibbs arrives at the hospital] Looks like you and I were the only ones flying solo last night, McGee.
Timothy McGee: Speak for yourself.
Timothy McGee: What am I missing?
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Paula Cassidy is a rather attractive agent that DiNozzo drooled all over last year when we were at Gitmo.
Anthony DiNozzo: Enough talk, Agent Todd.
[uses his mouth spray]
Anthony DiNozzo: Let's go.
Anthony DiNozzo: [to teenager caught partying in hotel room] Nobody likes a whiner, Jonathon. Nice shirt.
Anthony DiNozzo: You don't really expect me to take advice about women from you, do you?
Timothy McGee: Well, I could stay here and argue the point, but I have a date.
[last lines]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can't let any woman affect you like this, Duck. Especially one you didn't know that well.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, my concerns are more immediate. I have two tickets for the opera tonight. She was going to accompany me. Jethro?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I wonder if Kate would be interested. Do you know where she is?
Anthony DiNozzo: No.
Abby Sciuto: Stop playing with my equipment!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow, I haven't had a woman say that to me in a long time.
Episode - See No Evil (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [reading from note smuggled out by hostage] "Contact NCIS. No one else."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Finally, someone who appreciates us.
[Gibbs is leaving for the Pentagon to visit hostage]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Wait! Gibbs, if they're watching him and you show up...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I better make sure they don't notice me.
[Gibbs leaves]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: That is not a good call.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Relax. You think Gibbs keeps that haircut to save on shampoo?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Damn, McGee! Why are you still here?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [stammering] Uh, the, the, the contractors, they won't wire the network until the air conditioning's fixed. It, it's a union thing. So...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So-o-o-o... you decided it's more important for an NCIS Special Agent to crawl around, all day, by yourself?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [standing behind Gibbs] Man asked you a question.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [stammering] Why, uh, no, I just, I wanted it fixed before I returned to Norfolk.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. You have any idea where thinking like this is gonna lead you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, do you, McGee?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Promotion. You need any help, you ask Tony here. Looks like he could use a workout.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, it... it... it's not that difficult. So I, uh, I guess I could do it myself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Good answer.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Don't let him intimidate you, McGee. That's my job today.
[Tony has just made a covert dropoff disguised as a Chinese restaurant delivery guy]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [on phone] Delivery complete.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [on phone] That's good work, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thanks, Boss, that means a lot.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: NCIS doesn't work out, I hear General Wi's Chinese Restaurant's hiring.
[after Kate and Tony simultaneously slap McGee upside the head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, I could really get used to that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [air conditioner kicks in] Oh ho! Oh ho ho! Oh ho ho ho ho ho!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee re: Kate after McGee gives her a boost when she's in a skirt] I just have a little question that I want to ask you. Is she a pantyhose or a thong girl cause I'm thinking thong...
[Kate hits him in the stomach]
Episode - Dead Man Walking (2007)
Officer Ziva David: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mossad?
Officer Ziva David: Maybe.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Internet dating?
Officer Ziva David: [picks up a paperclip] I will kill you 18 different ways with this paperclip!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking of McGee's jacket] Who's the designer?
Officer Ziva David: Why do you assume I know?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because...
Officer Ziva David: Because I'm a woman? Because I'm Jewish?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because you're a great detective.
Officer Ziva David: True.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [McGee is wearing a medical outfit] Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Officer Ziva David: Male nurse?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No Aquasmurf.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [while processing Roy's car] Found something.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is it dangerous?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you want kids?... Kidding.
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva and McGee each reach for a cup of coffee in a vending machine] I have been working for 30 straight hours!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
[McGee moves away, Ziva takes the coffee]
Officer Ziva David: Thanks.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after Ziva gives him advice for the vending machine] Well you know you've been at the Hospital too long if you've figured out the vending machine.
Episode - Bait (2006)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Everybody's okay, Boss.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well that's good to hear, Special Agent Gibbs.
Kody Meyers: Your agent says he's a negotiator.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, that's right. He's my best man.
Kody Meyers: Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He always had an attitude problem.
Marine Major Ken Meyers: I need to see he's okay.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Aside from holding five people hostage, he's doing great.
Officer Ziva David: What does Kody want?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He wants his mother brought to him.
Marine Major Ken Meyers: Oh, God!
Officer Ziva David: What?
Marine Major Ken Meyers: Kody's mother is dead!
Marine Capt. Daniel Wise: How you gonna tell Gibbs the kid's mom is dead?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You want me to take him out?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: It may be your only option.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'd like to get them all alive, including Kody.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: I agree! But if it's not possible I need to know that you're capable of making the call.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've done it before.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: On a 15 year-old? If the time comes, you cannot hesitate, you cannot second guess yourself.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [throwing his cap] Okay! If you don't trust me, I suggest you relieve me. Otherwise leave me alone! I've got work to do ma'am!
[hangs up]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Probie!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: On it, Boss!... Tony!
[Tony chuckles]
Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He called me "Boss."
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, he'll never live it down.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after finding out Major Meyer's has gone to NCIS] I didn't authorize that.
Marine Capt. Daniel Wise: No, sir. Your Boss did.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My Boss is a hostage right now. He's not authorizing much of anything!
Marine Capt. Daniel Wise: Not that Boss, sir.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: He's the only Boss I have!
Officer Ziva David: Ah-ah-ah! You are forgetting the Director!
Episode - Blowback (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after saying he had to lie to Gibbs] He's my boss.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: And I'm his boss. You leave him to me. Your ass is covered.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm not worried about my ass, Jenny!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hell, DiNozzo, you were following orders. I'd have done the same thing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You would've lied to Mike Franks?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is the pirated part of the console we have to find.
Officer Ziva David: Twenty million for that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Size isn't everything... Forget I even stupidly started to say that.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Don't get cute, Officer David! I'm saying there had to be a better way! Right, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right Director, they could've
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shot him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's right. They could've shot him.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Of course, in a high octane situation, Ziva reverts back to her Mossad training, and probably would've put a round through his heart.
Officer Ziva David: Three rounds.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And McGee not to be outdone would've
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Added three more.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: See? There you go. Six rounds same result one dead Mr. Hurley.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can you do this to anyone's email?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No, because it's highly illegal. And I'm not even doing it now... Okay, we're in.
Officer Ziva David: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's 'pirated' copy.
Officer Ziva David: That's what I said!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Officer Ziva David: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Johnny Depp.
Officer Ziva David: He's a pirate?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, he's an actor.
Officer Ziva David: Oh.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How did we get here?
Officer Ziva David: I drove.
Episode - Bikini Wax (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [discussing the crime scene] It's a public restroom, Boss. It's really disgusting.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It could be worse.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How could it be worse?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Could be a men's room.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Give it five seconds.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Until what?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Until he notices there's a...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Bikini contest!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [speaking of photos of Jordan] In the article, Petty Officer Jordan said they were taken by her boyfriend.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thought she didn't date.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, she was pregnant, McGee. There's only one way that can happen.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Does that say Sex Wax?
Abby Sciuto: That it does. It comes in Cool, Warm and Tropical.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: How does it work?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't worry about it, Probie. Pretty sure you still need a girl first.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [as Tony's leaving for vacation] Try not to embarrass yourself, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Come on, Kate. I'm way too grown up for that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about Spring Break] Probie, my stories alone would make you a man.
Episode - Twilight (2005)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Protection detail's over, Kate.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You did good.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For once, Dinozzo's right.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [stands up] Wow, I thought I'd die before I ever got a...
[gunshot is fired hits Kate in the head and she falls to the ground dead. Blood sprays on Dinozzo and Gibbs]
Ari Haswari: [on distant rooftop, coldly] Sorry, Caitlin...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ari...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We've been calling you for the last hour, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, yeah. My ringer thing got turned off.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You're never gonna believe whose back in town.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ari.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe you will.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Fornell said that he's - he's here to...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kill me. Yeah, I know. I just had coffee with him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So what happened?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He tried to kill me.
[looks up at both of them with a "duh" expression]
[Gibbs walks in to the lab, Bert the stuffed animal farts]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It was the stuffed animal! Right, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: What stuffed animal?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You have a stuffed animal that farts?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: How much should I tell him?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell him, he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [Kate walks in] What?
[Fornell, DiNozzo, Todd walk into MTAC]
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro. That's very dramatic. What was my first?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When you married my second wife.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: You should have warned me!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I*did*!
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: [to DiNozzo and Todd] In my defense, I thought he was exaggerating... He wasn't.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Is it just me or did he take the whole Ari situation really well?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's cause he's looking forward to it.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Looking forward to what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Finally getting to kill him!
Episode - Murder 2.0 (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Cole worked at a local carwash. Abby got a hit off his DNA. Two years ago he donated sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony and Ziva enter] Ah the things people will do for money.
Officer Ziva David: You donated your sperm.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't do that for money. Just to enrich the world. So, Boss I spoke with security at Quantico.
[McGee clears his throat]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I interrupt? Let's see who the Boss likes better.
[Tony and McGee wait expectantly]
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Ziva.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: [as he's leaving] DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On your six, Boss. Hey, you haven't forgotten about the screensaver, have you Ziva?
Officer Ziva David: Actually I had. Thanks for reminding me.
[Ziva approaches McGee]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are friends for.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Everything okay Boss? You seem kind of quiet - ter than usual. Worried this is just his first?
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Nah. Worried it's not.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Speaking of Rose] Nice girl. Wasn't my type though.
Officer Ziva David: Really? She was breathing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ha! Well I have standards, Ziva. Otherwise I'd be dating you.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: He was targeting Gibbs from the beginning. You must've really pissed somebody off.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not a short list - of people that -that you've angered just because you have rock solid principles. And so it's easy for people to misunderstand that and misconstrue. It's - you know...
NCIS Director Leon Vance: Quit while you're behind DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm trying.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Boss, I'm not a god among men. You are! I've got it! Now my CPU's too small!
[McGee leaves]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm gonna let that slide.
Episode - Vanished (2004)
Agent Caitlin Todd: [Tony is clipping his finger-nails at his desk when Kate walks in] Most people tend to their personal hygiene at home.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: This bothers you?
Agent Caitlin Todd: No, what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: I'm an acquired taste.
Agent Timothy McGee: Actually, it's more like the Stockholm Syndrome. The emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage as a result of continuous stress and a need to cooperate for survival.
[after telling McGee about the movie "Invaders from Mars" which depict parents with red X's on the back of their necks]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Whew! Scared of my parents for years after that.
Agent Timothy McGee: I'm sure the feeling was mutual.
Agent Timothy McGee: [offended at a trick DiNozzo has pulled on him] How long am I going to be the butt of your practical jokes, snide innuendos, and juvenile putdowns?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: I will always outrank you, Probie.
Agent Caitlin Todd: [Tony sent Kate flowers to apologize for "a tough couple of days"] Tony, I'm blown away. They're gorgeous. And they're from Martha's Garden, my favorite florist! How'd you know?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Lucky guess!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] He went through your purse and got the phone number off your P.D.A.
[Tony chuckles, Kate is furious again, Gibbs laughs]
[watching Gibbs interrogating an uncooperative witness through 1-way mirror. Gibbs leans over the witness and whispers inaudibly]
Agent Caitlin Todd: What is Gibbs doing?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: T.B.I.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Excuse me?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Truth By Intimidation. In 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
[points, witness begins to spill all]
[after Gibbs gets a suspect to confess by wispering something in his ear]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [amazed] What did Gibbs say to him?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If I knew that I would be Gibbs.
Episode - The Good Wives Club (2004)
Anthony DiNozzo: [at weird crime scene] This is really sick. Stephen King would love it.
Anthony DiNozzo: Question for you, Probie. Redbook? Why?
Timothy McGee: Redbook was, and still is, the definitive magazine for today's young woman.
Anthony DiNozzo: Planning a sex change?
Timothy McGee: No, I, since I've always been interested in women, I figured the best way to know about them... was to, you know, know about them.
Anthony DiNozzo: McGee, the best way to know about them... is to know them.
[DiNozzo and the all-seeing, all-knowing Gibbs talk on phone]
Anthony DiNozzo: I'll make, um...
[gestures an order to McGee]
Anthony DiNozzo: copies of their service photos.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo...
Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Make the copies yourself.
Anthony DiNozzo: Of course.
Anthony DiNozzo: [checking out closet with red light] Well, it's either a darkroom or a really small bordello.
NCIS Agent Jane Melankovic: Have you always been a smartass, Agent DiNozzo?
Anthony DiNozzo: Tony. Probably as long as you've been an overachiever, Jane.
[last lines]
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Beatnik gone?
Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [snapping fingers] Cool!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know what bongos are?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well a beatnick is playing them in my head.
Episode - The Boneyard (2004)
Agent Timothy McGee: [observing Kate stretch out] Wow, she's pretty flexible.
DiNozzo: Just don't let her catch you looking at her, Probie
Agent Timothy McGee: [Kate smiles at McGee] Think she saw me. She gave me that look.
DiNozzo: What look?
Agent Timothy McGee: Look she's always giving you.
DiNozzo: [Tony looks at Kate] Yep, she saw you. Hope you wore a cup.
Tony DiNozzo: [checking on McGee after Kate kicks him in the groin during training] Oh, she had three older brothers growing up. I think there's some unresolved issues there
Timothy McGee: You think?
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.
DiNozzo: You never met his second wife.
[Gibbs and DiNozzo are boxing in the training ring]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Not bad, DiNozzo.
DiNozzo: Thanks! You learn how to box in the Marines?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Corps doesn't teach boxing.
DiNozzo: [laughing] That's your loss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after flooring Tony] They teach fighting.
Gunnery Sergeant. John Deluca: [to Tony, after a run-in with Gibbs] Is there some secret to getting on his good side?
DiNozzo: Oh, there's no secret.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: He doesn't have one.
Tony DiNozzo: Eeesh! Shot, throat slit, frozen, and burned? Jimmy Naps definitely didn't like this dude.
Episode - My Other Left Foot (2004)
[about a dead body]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any more tattoos?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, just the rose on Kate's butt.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [without missing a beat] It's not a rose.
[Tony is ranting about why he can't drive the car]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can't drive because you're not going.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. That's different.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [re: Kate's tattoo] Okay say for a minute I believe you got one. Where is it?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Nowhere you will ever see.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [re: the doctor's receptionist] Why don't you just give her a breast exam?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: In good time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Come on Kate, you're only going 10 miles over the limit!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: And that's pushing it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What good's it being an armed Federal Agent, if you can't drive fast?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You get to shoot bad guys!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: True.
"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Collateral Damage (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know if you've noticed but she and they don't exactly want to shoot me.
Officer Ziva David: Give them time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after finding out what the robbers did with the money] Time, money futility. Sounds like one of McGee's date nights.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was not futility, it was by design.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where have I heard that before?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, rule #13: Never ever involve lawyers. Things are bound to turn nasty.
Dwayne Wilson: I'll remember that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You should. Gibbs has been divorced three times. He has seven rules that involve lawyers. None of them are very pretty. You don't need to know 'em all just #13. It's the umbrella rule.
Dwayne Wilson: How's Gibbs to work for?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What have you heard? That bad guys would rather confess than be interrogated by him? That his steely gaze can cool a room by five degrees? That he can only be killed by a silver bullet like a werewolf?
[Wilson chuckles]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They're all true, except for the silver bullet part. Might give him indigestion or heartburn, but I don't think it'd kill him.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Handing Wilson something from the vending machine] For a job well done.
Dwayne Wilson: Might mean more if you'd actually paid for it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're government employees. Get used to disappointment
Episode - Deliverance (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You need a secretary.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Or a therapist.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Or both!
Marine Staff Sergeant Vincente Medina: No talking on the range please!
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well that's going to be a real problem, Staff Sergeant Medina. 'Cause I'm real talky and I have a badge!
[Shows his Badge]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is there somewhere we can talk?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [after Ziva fires Medina's Baretta on the range] I prefer the SIG.
Marine Staff Sergeant Vincente Medina: Lot of women have trouble with the Baretta. Thing's got too much of a kick.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Your sight is a few millimeter off.
Marine Staff Sergeant Vincente Medina: Really?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really.
[Medina looks at the target Ziva shot]
Mike Franks: Let me talk to that kid, I'll get him to tell us what the hell's going on here.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I'm afraid I can't do that, Mike. I let him go.
Mike Franks: You WHAT?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You wanna find something, you follow it. Learned that one from you.
[Franks and Gibbs start to leave. Tony and Ziva start to follow. Gibbs stops them]
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Uh Uh. You two, MTAC... with McGee.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it Boss.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [running after Franks] Franks, got a question for you.
Mike Franks: [continues to the elevator] Got a plane to catch.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Eighteen years ago. Columbia. Gibbs was doing drug interdiction down there. Tomas is 18, from Columbia. Knows Gibbs's Marine Service Number.
Mike Franks: Question?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is Gibbs Tomas's father?
Mike Franks: Tell Probie, thanks for the lend.
[Removes his tie and gives it to Tony]
Episode - Aliyah (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My gut told me it was Rivkin, not Ziva. Sometimes my gut just... sucks. But if Ziva knew something, I wanted to give her a chance to explain it to me.
NCIS Director Leon Vance: To protect her.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If she needed it.
Officer Ziva David: You jeopardized your entire career and for what?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: For you... He was playing you, Ziva.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess you read my report.
Officer Ziva David: I memorized it! You could have left it at that! You could have walked away, but no. You let him up! You put a bullet in his chest.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You weren't there.
Officer Ziva David: You could have put one in his leg.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You... weren't... there.
Officer Ziva David: But I should have been.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You loved him.
Officer Ziva David: I guess I'll never know.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, when is she coming back?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's not.
Abby Sciuto: No! This cannot happen! Vance cannot do this again!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It wasn't Vance's call.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Then who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, why don't you just get this out? You want to take a punch? Take a swing? Get it out of your system!
[Yelling]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Go ahead do it!
Officer Ziva David: Be careful, Tony. Because much like Michael, I only need one.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And that's what you're really angry about, isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead. It's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.
Episode - South by Southwest (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What could they want?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why don't we take the four-wheeler? You know, the rental.
Sheriff Clay Boyd: You can't get up there in a vehicle. Only way is horses.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] Why don't we requisition a helicopter... Or not. If the government spent that kind of money every time we interviewed somebody, they'd go broke.
Sheriff Clay Boyd: The government is broke.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after mounting a horse] He's going... He's going... Uh oh... Oh no. Sheriff, I think he lost a contact.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can you get nerve damage on your buttox?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You're going to feel worse in the morning.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't say that Boss.
Sheriff Clay Boyd: You know, you might want to let go of that horn, junior. Riding a horse is like making love, you've gotta relax and enjoy it.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sheriff, I've a strong feeling that you and I enjoy both activities in really different ways. No disrespect.
Episode - Leap of Faith (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after McGee saves Tony] I love you man. I swear I'll never give you a hard time again.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, right.
Officer Ziva David: [re: Gibbs giving Abby a bouquet of black roses] Is that what you get for turning down the job offer?
Abby Sciuto: No, for solving the case.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I believe those are for me, then, because I solved the case.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But Abby ran the photo recognition that ID'd Lt. Arnett.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I risked my life hanging off a wall.
Officer Ziva David: She discovered the drug interaction that made Arnett suicidal.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I suggested we run the wife's DNA.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Against a National Database of Felons. Dead end. Abby went the extra step and compared it to the Interpol Database.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't believe this.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Give it up, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: She will always be the favorite, Tony.
Officer Ziva David: I'm Ziva David, I've seen you around.
Nikki Jardine: I'm sorry, I don't shake hands.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess a hug's out of the question.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You ever been to a therapist before?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? No. You?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah. Once. When I was young.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: For your acrophobia?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights earlier today.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Getting a little disoriented is a little understandable.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Disoriented? You had your panties in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait, I couldn't see your eyes cause they were shut so tight. You were hysterical, like a little girl.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was not.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You were hugging the ladder. Ladder-hugger.
[pulls out his phone and shows him the video]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Let technology show you the truth.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: My eyes were not closed, I was blinking.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. Oh, is that - is that what you're doing? Let's let the people decide.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're not gonna post that on YouTube?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I might...
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
Therapist: [the two start wrestling for the phone when the therapist comes out of his office] Hey, hey, hey. You two have deeper issues than you discussed on the phone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On the phone?
Therapist: Aren't you the couple who called up about marriage counseling?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Couple? Us? No, no, we...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's all right. Timmy, Timmy - we're in a safe place. We can be ourselves here.
[McGee pushes himself away from Tony]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We just got back from Vermont. It's pretty this time of year.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Sorry.
[pulls out his badge]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: NCIS. Special Agents McGee and DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Very special agents.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She set him up like 'Kathleen Turner' set up 'William Hurt' in 'Body Heat'.
Episode - Requiem (2007)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [after Gibbs leaves NCIS] Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Director.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Any idea where he went?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Hazard a guess?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well he took his badge, and his gun. Maybe he's going to shoot someone.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee goes to Gibbs's desk and opens a drawer] Oh boy!
[McGee holds up Gibbs's badge]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Think she's alive?
Officer Ziva David: After what they did to Haas, maybe it would be best if she was not.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [after sending Ziva and McGee to Maddie's apartment, speaking of Gibbs] He figured it out.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And didn't tell us. You call him?
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: [Shepard nods] You?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. He didn't pick up.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [starting CPR on Gibbs] Don't do this to me, Boss! Come on! Don't do this to me! Don't make me kiss you, Boss!
[starts mouth-to-mouth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: COME ON BOSS! COME ON! Oh, Boss! Come on!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is not the A-Team, McGee!
Episode - Toxic (2009)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Don't tell me she needs a root canal.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. Fornell just called. Abby's been... requested.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Requested?
Officer Ziva David: By...?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: He didn't know. He just said the FBI had orders to transport her.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee goes to his desk] Okay, I can access the FBI's operation's database.
Officer Ziva David: [Ziva goes to her desk] I have a contact in the DOD.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony's at his desk] BOLO on the FBI transport?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't know. I thought, maybe I'd just try calling her first.
[Gibbs pulls out his cellphone]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] Aw knucklehead. You're lucky Abby's not here, Hopkins.
Abby Sciuto: [From behind on a video link] Why is McGee luck I'm not there? And who is Hopkins?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Nodding to McGee] He'll clean it up.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We'll clean it up.
Jimmy Palmer: They'll clean it up.
Abby Sciuto: You'll *all* clean it up!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Didn't build it to kill someone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...He built it to sell it.
Abby Sciuto: Perfect. Hi I'm Abby Sciuto. International Bioweapons dealer.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to McGee] Come on. Gibbs doesn't use email.
[They see Palmer cleaning Abby's lab]
Jimmy Palmer: Hi guys.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: We've been set up.
Episode - Judgment Day: Part 2 (2008)
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Did you know Mike Franks was involved in this?
Tony DiNozzo: [speaking simultaneously with Ziva] No.
Ziva David: Yes.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Want to take a moment to get your stories straight?
Ziva David: [speaking simultaneously with Tony] No.
Tony DiNozzo: Yes.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Whose side are you on?
Tony DiNozzo, Ziva David: Gibbs.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Well you finally got your story straight.
Tony DiNozzo: She doesn't want us involved. If there's one thing I learned about the Director's private wars, it's that it's best to stay away for her and for us! She's a big girl she can take care of herself. Besides it's probably a coincidence anyway. And she's behind one of those expensive windows munching on over-priced cashews courtesy of Mr. Out-of-Town.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I saw you two went swimming.
[DiNozzo angrily closes his desk drawer, and walks to McGee's desk]
Tony DiNozzo: What are you saying McGee?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: ...Nah
[DiNozzo removes his jacket]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: I'm saying I saw a picture of Ziva at the pool when...
Tony DiNozzo: Say it!
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Say what?
Tony DiNozzo: I screwed up! You can say it, Probie.
[Ziva walks to McGee's desk]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: It was not your fault.
Ziva David: Thank you.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Bad few days.
[to Ziva]
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: Officer David, the liaison position with NCIS is being terminated. You're going home. McGee, I'm moving you across to the Cybercrimes unit, you'll be working with Officer Hollsworth starting tomorrow. DiNozzo.
Tony DiNozzo: Sir.
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: You've been reassigned. Agent afloat USS Ronald Reagan, pack your bags, you fly out tomorrow. Agent Gibbs
[picks up some folder and hands them to Gibbs]
NCIS Asst. Director Leon Vance: meet your new team.
Episode - Road Kill (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as DiNozzo's helping McGee make a face] Would you two like some time alone?
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Uh, no boss. We were just...
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Acting like children.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You say that like it's a bad thing.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Someone didn't know how to parallell park
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: I've always found it hard to park when someone is shooting at you
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Describing suspect on the phone] He's 23, 6 foot 3 inches, 210 pounds, light brown hair, blue eyes and a barb wire tattoo on his left bicep. He was last seen...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Standing right behind you, DiNozzo.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What did Shmuel Rubinstein do to incur the wrath of Ziva?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: He said he liked me.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Tony, you and I come from two totally different places. In my world, you grow up fast, you have no choice.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Now you do.
Episode - Dead and Unburied (2006)
Officer Ziva David: Hm. Can Gibbs arrest God?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know, it'd sort of be like The Thing arresting The Hulk.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after seeing a body's decomposing genitalia] Ducky, is there some sort of way to psychologically 'unsee' things?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [Ducky is examining a decomposing corpse dumped in a living room] I'll have to research the predatory, manipulative, grandiose nature of this behavior, but my first impression is that we're dealing with a complete loon.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That Master's in Psych is starting to pay off, Ducky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: He had me at Howdy.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [watching Gibbs in interrogation] She's telling the truth.
Officer Ziva David: Where are you going?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: To tell Gibbs.
[leaves Observation]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you think?
Officer Ziva David: Glad the glass is bulletproof.
Episode - Smoked (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [enters and notices Sacks sitting at his desk using his phone] What's wrong with this picture?
Officer Ziva David: Besides being late over two hours?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Why is the spawn of the FBI sitting at MY desk?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Apparently McGee think Ziva's in love with me.
[Ziva scoffs]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There's a reason it's called fiction, DiNozzo.
Officer Ziva David: Maybe it's about time, I just - give in.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And by give in, you mean ?
Officer Ziva David: Letting loose. Doing what comes naturally to me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Officer Ziva David: You wer. In fact I almost did it the first night in the hotel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Um, really?
Officer Ziva David: But my father wouldn't approved.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Because I'm not jewish.
Officer Ziva David: Because he gets very angry when I kill a coworker!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Like I believed you for even a second.
Officer Ziva David: I'm sure you didn't.
Officer Ziva David: What would you do if you learned the person you married was a monster?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Happened to my father all the time. Usually we just moved.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Officer Ziva David: Fiction based on us, yes?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No! Look if you don't believe me read the disclaimer on the front of the book!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] You buying that, Lisa?
[Ziva laughs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Didn't think so.
[Tony adjust his seatbelt]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Nice knowing you Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Ziva...
[Ziva accelerates quickly. McGee falls back]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: It's just a book!
Episode - Probie (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [talking to Tony after he killed an undercover cop] Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop. Gibbs was a Marine sniper. Kate protected the President of the United States. God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering, and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [trying to cheer McGee up] First time I shot at someone, I wet my pants.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Really?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really. If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.
Officer Ziva David: [Tony asked if she misses the excitement of being a Mossad spy] You've seen too many James Bond movies. It's not all about car chases and sex.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It wasn't?
Officer Ziva David: Well, there was a lot of sex.
Officer Ziva David: McGee stumbled across something, misread it, and overreacted.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not McGee. His brain's like a computer. It's scary. I'm sure proceedures and regs warp sped through his processor before he pulled the trigger.
Officer Ziva David: It happened so fast you don't have time to think.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're talking about a guy who has protocols and checklists for brushing and flossing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva] You ever Gibbs-slap me again, David, and I will slap you back harder!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So he shot him from behind the wheel.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wrong, Boss!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, slap him.
[Ziva gleefully smacks the back of DiNozzo's head]
Episode - Caged (2009)
Officer Ziva David: Get anything?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. An offer. Maybe his tech adviser on his next film. It's about a psycho sex-crazed cop.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Life and Times of Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.
Officer Ziva David: [as Abby's return McGee's game] Uh frankly, I do not understand the facination with uh, electronic games. It shortens attention spans, curbs productivity, and it kills brain cells.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enough with the long sentences. Who can follow all that?
Abby Sciuto: I can't take this. Everyday you guys go out and I never know if you're going to make it back. I mean it's killing me! I can't sleep at night. I'm developing some sort of weird twitch.
Officer Ziva David: Our work is sometimes dangerous, Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Then get a safer job!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then you wouldn't see us at all.
Abby Sciuto: True. Still. Sucks!
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Prison guard as an inmate.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I hear they make you Prom Queen. And every night is Prom Night.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Talking to his mechanic] Listen up, because this is what you're going to do. You're going to take the first estimate and take 10% off. Then you're going to find my part, install the part, and have my car parked out front ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wow. Who would've guessed that McGee would grow a pair in women's prison.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [on the phone] I put away killers for a living. That's what I do. Now you do exactly what I told you, and we won't have any problems. Understood? Good. Clock's ticking. [hangs up]
Abby Sciuto: Wow, McGee. You're time in the big house really changed you. I like it!
Episode - Tribes (2008)
Officer Ziva David: [regard the bug] Give it to me. I'm going in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're a woman. Easier for me to blend in.
Officer Ziva David: [chuckling] Yes. You would blend right in.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right. Flip you for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You can take her, Probie.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Compromise. Tony will do it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't want to do it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as Langer walks away] What an ass!
Officer Ziva David: [watching Langer walk away] Yes indeed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're leering at Langer. You're Langer-leering.
[after easily catching Sikes who tried to run away]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where do you think you're going, Jack Rabbit?
Ryan Sikes: To paradise. Where are you going?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: To the parking lot to put your ass in the back of our car.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: All right, then we'll flip for it.
Officer Ziva David: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Whispers to McGee] You can take her Probie. Do it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hell, the fall will probably kill you.
Officer Ziva David: Butch Cassidy and the Sunrise Kid.
Episode - Sub Rosa (2003)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What's she look like?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Abby. Sounds cute.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not your type.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well, how do you know that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you ever had the slightest urge to tatto your buttocks, McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I don't... think so.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then we need never speak of her again.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Only half of 'em are true. Trick is, figuring out which half.
Abby Sciuto: Is Agent McGee cute?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can a guy be cute to you without body art?
Abby Sciuto: Sure... I'm not a snob.
[after Tony throws a rock through a window to gain access to a suspect's house]
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's breaking and entering!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No that was breaking.
[reaches in and opens the door]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is entering.
Episode - Reunion (2009)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Alan Sandich's fiancee is back in town.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [DiNozzo enters] And she's already re-engaged. Does that remind you of anyone Boss?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How long are you going to keep making those jokes.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think that was actually the last time I'm ever going to make that joke. Sorry.
Police Officer Howard Shelly: DiNozzo? - Wait, are you Tony DiNozzo?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Only if I don't owe you money.
Police Officer Howard Shelly: You don't. Just glad to have you at my back, sir.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [as he's using the bathroom] How long you been standing there?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Long enough to see that you are well hydrated after your time in the desert.
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: Just like it does not matter how it worked out for Michael.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So what does?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: That you have my back. That you have always had my back and that I was wrong to question your motives.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So why did you?
Ziva David, Former Mossad Liaison: I trust my brother, Ari. I trust Michael. I could not afford to trust you.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after DiNozzo narrowly avoids getting hit by a truck] You okay?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Got something wet in my hands, but I don't wanna think about it.
Episode - Silver War (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: They called me their little poo boy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Ziva David] How 'bout this? Slow down or I'll puke on you!
[after Ziva finds out that Gibbs didn't know that she had been assigned to his team]
Officer Ziva David: [downhearted] I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. I feel like a donkey's butt.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [puzzled at her choice of phrase] A donkey's butt?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I think she means horse's ass.
Officer Ziva David: Yes, that too.
Officer Ziva David: C.W.R.?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Year. Civil War Re-enactors. Guys who get together. dress up in period costumes, re-enacting famous battles.
Officer Ziva David: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I've been asking my father that since I was 10 years old.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do you know how many people are killed by bears in America every year?
Officer Ziva David: No, but I can't imagine it's a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You'd be surprised.
Officer Ziva David: McGee?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I think it's about 1.
Episode - Dead Man Talking (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Speaking of way beyond hinky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, Kate. I can take it.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [walks to Tony's desk] What was it like, tonguing a guy?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [pause] Forget it. I can't take it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Problemo?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Well, you really want to do that to McGee? Special Agent Bligh...
[gesturing to DiNozzo]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: ...here is going to eat him alive.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee looks up to me, as a mentor.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Ugh.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want to be stuck in a cramped apartment with DiNozzo? Be my guest.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: On the other hand, it'll help McGee build character.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: [as they're going through Pacci's house] Yeah, but you knew him doesn't it feel like you're...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I don't know. Like you're invading his privacy?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well he's dead, Kate, with his guts slashed open! I'd say Chris's privacy is about as invaded as it's gonna get!
[after Tony checks out Amanda]
Abby Sciuto: Isn't she a little old for you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She's like my age.
Abby Sciuto: Exactly.
[trying to fight off a group of bar patrons as Amanda starts to escape]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Stop him! Stop him!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Stop her! Stop her!
Episode - Iced (2006)
[watching McGee interview a suspect]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That actually was intimidating.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under six inches of ice.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ice, that means...
Officer Ziva David: You're going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a really good one, too.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not about being gay. It's about image.
Officer Ziva David: So your image is homophobic?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My name is Anthony, my friends call me Tony, which backwards is "y not"
Episode - SWAK (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey Kate, did you tell Brad about that wet t-shirt contest you won?
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Did you tell Nurse Emma about the transexual you tongued?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That never happened.
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: He's dying Ducky.
[starts crying, Ducky Hugs her]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as Gibbs walks past them] Ah, the hell he is.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [goes to Tony's bed. Whispers]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, can you hear me?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [weakly] I'm listening, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You will not die.
[Tony starts closing his eyes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs pats him on the head]
[Tony opens his eyes]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You. Will. Not. Die.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gotcha, Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never had a cold.
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Never had a cold?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never had the flu, either.
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why do I believe him?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know why I feel like Travolta?
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I feel a movie coming on.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: 'The Boy in the Plastic Bubble'. Travolta plays this boy born with immune defiency. This is before AIDS. He lives in this giant plastic bubble.
Special Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Tony, Tony, please.
Episode - The Ex-File (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [seeing Shepard and Flynn walking towards Gibbs and Mann] Ooo train wreck. Whoa. I want to look away, but I CAN'T!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: My acting Boss says you ain't going anywhere.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you sell and who'd you sell it to?
D.I. Agent Fred Rinnert: [turns around faces Gibbs] Maybe if you cut me a deal, I'll tell you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby.
[Gibbs moves out of the way, Abby moves forward and punches Rinnert in the nose]
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: [about Stephanie] Bring her in for another interview.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Tony and Ziva start to leave] Wait.
[Tony and Ziva stop]
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And I said wait!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This never turns out well for the kids.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [watching Colonel Mann interviewing Stephanie] Who do you think is prettier: Ex-wife #3 or future ex-wife #4?
Officer Ziva David: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of the uniform... Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!
Episode - Family (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after McGee gives a technical explanation] Pretend you're talking to someone who actually has sex with other humans.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I need to send you two back to the men's room?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey! She followed me in there!
Officer Ziva David: Only because you wouldn't talk to me!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Gibbs stares them down] Shutting up, Boss.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm fine, Ziva.
Officer Ziva David: All right, but I thought maybe you needed a little cheering up?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If I needed to be cheered up, I would've put superglue on McGee's keyboard.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [angrily, to Tony] You put superglue on my keyboard.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [looking at a picture of a suspect dancing with old ladies] Oh, god. It's Cocoon meets 'Dirty Dancing'. I wonder if Ducky has dreams like this.
Episode - Forced Entry (2004)
Michelle Davison: [speaking about the NCIS agents] Two seemed pretty dumb, but their boss...
Tony DiNozzo: [appearing from the side with his weapon drawn] HEY! That seem harsh to you, Kate?
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: [appearing on the other side her weapon drawn] Very!
Tony DiNozzo: [suspects move her hand toward her purse/weapon] Go for it Honey!
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: My first shot's going through your right eye socket, Lady!
[McGee is innocently drinking coffee that Tony gave him without mentioning that it belongs to Gibbs]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Enjoying that coffee, McGee?
Timothy McGee: Uh, yeah!
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: It's not too hot?
Timothy McGee: [pause] It's your coffee. I'm, uh. Sorry, Boss. I'll get you another one.
[to Tony and Kate]
Timothy McGee: Thanks.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Yeah, maybe next time you should remember Rule Twenty-Three.
Tony DiNozzo: Is that the one about not marrying a woman who eats more than you do?
Marine Sgt. Chris Hegarty: You never mess with a Marine's coffee, if you want to live, Agent DiNozzo.
Tony DiNozzo: [laughs] That's right.
[as McGee leaves]
Tony DiNozzo: Dead man walking!
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: According to our rapist, he was invited over, by Laura Rowens.
Tony DiNozzo: Oh!
[slaps his forehead]
Tony DiNozzo: What was that little tip I picked up as a cop in Baltimore? Right on the...
[points to his tongue]
Tony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah. Rapists are liars, Kate.
Tony DiNozzo: Yep, it's amazing what you can do with computers these days, Kate.
Timothy McGee: Sure is, Tony. Hey, I've, uh, got a little somethin' you might be interested in.
Tony DiNozzo: Who's this supposed to be?
Timothy McGee: I tracked down your cyber babe for you. Hot Jugs 24.
[McGee shows picture of big, bald, tattooed dude in undershirt. Kate laughs]
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, she's a real keeper, DiNozzo.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: I wonder if he wears a sports bra.
Episode - Minimum Security (2003)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can I drink?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Sure. Sarsaparilla.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sarsaparilla? Who drinks sarsaparilla?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Shane.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who's Shane?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Alan Ladd.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Who's Alan Ladd?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after Paula shoots Nassar] I'd have killed him!
Special Agent Paula Cassidy: And make him a martyr? No! This is worse than death.
[repeated line]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a Gulf Stream!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Bumps into Tony in the elevator] You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I do. I booked us on the first AMC flight to Gitmo tomorrow.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Unbook it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I knew it! I told Kate you were pulling my leg.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: The Navy's giving us a priority ride today.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You mean it?
[Gets the stare from Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You do mean it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: C'mon, boss. You're telling me you like sitting on canvas seats slimmed between cargo pallets?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah, makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.
Episode - Switch (2005)
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Want to know how to get on Gibbs's good side?
Special Agent Ziva David: Yes!
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: So would I.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [Regarding Ziva] Her driving is kind of an acquired taste. Like regurgitated lunch.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [referring to Ziva's driving] Let's just say it's an acquired taste, like regurgitated lunch.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: [as they're entering a car] That's original McGee. Is there any part of your brain that's original?
Timothy McGee: At least I have one, Tony.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: What's that supposed to mean?
[puts the key in the ignition]
Timothy McGee: Nothing.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: We're not going anywhere.
Timothy McGee: [exhales] What? Until I apologize?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: No! Not until you apologize.
[gets out of the car and looks around the lot]
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: We're in the wrong damn car!
Episode - Split Decision (2004)
DiNozzo: McGee, are you nuts?
Timothy McGee: What?
DiNozzo: You're at Gibbs's desk, touching his computer! That's like touching... the Ark of the Covenant!
Timothy McGee: Gibbs knows I'm doing this.
DiNozzo: He said you could use his computer?
Timothy McGee: Uh huh.
DiNozzo: Really! You know, when mine fried, he wouldn't let me touch his.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: 'Cause your fingers were always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.
Abby Sciuto: Even though the drive was reformatted, all the information it contained is still here. It's just a matter of Humpty-Dumptying it.
DiNozzo: I thought they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: That's because the king only had horses and men.
[after learning that the victim had a log go through a pre-existing hole in his gut]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess ring toss just isn't enough for some people.
A.T.F. Special Agent Malina Stone: You're not very subtle when you're learing at women, are you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Learing, by definition, is not supposed to be subtle.
Episode - UnSEALed (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You were a boy scout?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Cub.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What did they kick you out for?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Trying to score Brownie points.
[Kate and Tony get off the elevator, discussing the case]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's 3:00 in the morning and you hear a strange noise in your house. What do you do?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Slide a pistol from under my pillow and then go after the guy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We're talking about real people, Kate. Why do they always feel they need to go and look?
[discussing a prisoner who escaped from Leavenworth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Do we know what this guy was in for?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Same thing I'm gonna be if you don't get your ass moving.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [low voice, to Gibbs] Right.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [whispering, to Kate] Murder.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: And you didn't even use a lifeline.
Diego Clare: I'm gonna own your house, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I rent.
Episode - Reveille (2004)
DiNozzo: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I was working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?
DiNozzo: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
DiNozzo: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
DiNozzo: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
DiNozzo: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.
[Tony is "in love," again]
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: What's this one's name?
Tony DiNozzo: She's Swedish.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You don't know her name. How can you be in love with someone and not.. I forgot. It's you we're talking about.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Tony, I'm worried about him.
Tony DiNozzo: Gibbs? That's like worrying about Jim Bowie in a knife fight.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Bowie was killed at the Alamo.
Tony DiNozzo: I know. I saw the movie.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Tony. He's fixated on that terrorist.
Tony DiNozzo: Not fixated; determined. Like Tommy Lee Jones in The Fugitive. Like the Duke in The Searchers. Mel Gibson in Payback.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You ever read a book?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGee said you were looking for me. Actually he said I was under house arrest. I figured it was your way of making a point.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: About up to my knees?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ah, so you're familiar with this creek?
Episode - Recoil (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boss.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You done?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't need the bugs, Boss. Got Hoffman's latest victim, number five. Female caucasian, mid-to-late 20's. Dead on the living room floor.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What about the finger?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yep, missing a finger.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [handing cell phone to McGee] Call Ziva! Giver her the distress code! Tell her we're taking Hoffman down NOW!
Officer Ziva David: Michael's not involved!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Michael?
Officer Ziva David: That is his name.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: His first name. You didn't? Don't tell me. Okay, tell me!
Officer Ziva David: What I did or did not do is NONE of your business!
Officer Ziva David: What?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't look so bad. McGee said you were a wreck.
[reaches for Ziva's hair, she grabs his hand and slams it down on her desk]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I was just gonna tussel your hair. Sometimes it makes you smile.
Officer Ziva David: [pause] Sorry.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you had your mandatory session with the shrink?
Officer Ziva David: Yes!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Still crazy then?
[Ziva glares at Tony]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Getting off your case.
"Navy NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigative Service: Judgment Day (#5.18)" (2008)
Tony DiNozzo: Paperwork had a deep voice.
Ziva David: She is with a man. Does not mean she is sleeping with him.
Tony DiNozzo: You're right. I'm sure they're tag-teaming the paperwork.
Ziva David: She's hiding something from us.
Tony DiNozzo: Yes. It's called a sex life. Maybe if you had one, you'd be a little more understanding.
Ziva David: [laughs] Ooh, I could tell you stories.
Tony DiNozzo: Sorry, Ziva, I'm going to have to cut you loose.
[realizes she's already walking away]
Tony DiNozzo: Hey, wait up!
Ziva David: Call the Los Angeles Police Department, tell them you are conducting a local investigation, and ask them to track down the GPS coordinates of the director's rental.
Tony DiNozzo: That's all?
Ziva David: It will make me very happy to know where she is. It'll be like Chinatown. I will even let you do your Jack.
Tony DiNozzo: [as Jack Nicholson] Well, how do you like them apples?
NCIS Assistant Director Leon Vance: Photo pops up, Gibbs runs off the reservation, and nobody knows a damn thing about what's going on.
Tony DiNozzo: Sounds like a Wednesday.
Episode - Head Case (2006)
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Something wrong Agent DiNozzo?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just wondering if Gibbs knows you're Ziva's source.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: Back in Europe we had a saying, Anything Gibbs doesn't know.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Can't hurt him.
NCIS Director Jenny Shepard: No. Can't hurt us!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It looks like this guy did an episode of Trading Spaces with Satan.
Abby Sciuto: I ran the fingerprints from the Mercedes, the cooler in the back of the car, and Martin Boussard's room. They're all the same and they're all his.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Boussard stole the Mercedes?
Abby Sciuto: Either that or he just really likes to touch stuff.
Episode - Broken Bird (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What exactly did she tell you?
Afghani Ambassador Qasim Saydia: That Dr. Mallard violated Article 4 of the Geneva Convention.
Officer Ziva David: War crimes?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ducky?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why are you talking so fast?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Want to get a plan of attack together because according to my internal Gibbs clock, he's about to walk through that door right. Now! NOW!
[Looks around for Gibbs]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Huh?
Officer Ziva David: Somebody's clock is off.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Tony's looking at the crime scene photos] Tony there's nothing new to learn there.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There has to be!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The alternative is that Ducky was Dr. Mengala!
Old Mr. Pain: I suspect Trent is to blame for this betrayl.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [From observation] "Trent?"
Old Mr. Pain: Destiny of students to disappoint their masters.
Episode - Knockout (2009)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hi Boss. I lost my - you were going to say mind or marbles but, uh, I lost my...
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: Job.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smacks DiNozzo] Snap out of it!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I have no responce to that.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [addressing a room for of NCIS agents] Excuse me. Okay, listen up everybody I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bongo Straits, Vertical Bill - can you here me back there?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [noticing an attractive woman at the front of the group] Oh, hi, Natalie. Hi. You look nice today.
Officer Ziva David: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're never making me breakfast.
Officer Ziva David: That is the truth.
Episode - Nine Lives (2008)
Officer Ziva David: As you know, people go on vacations all the time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Normal people
Officer Ziva David: I am normal people.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You're normal people like people from Ordinary People were normal people.
Special Agent Jethro Gibbs: What kind of deal?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Immediately after the trial. Kale is going to put in the witness protection program. So even if he did murder Brewer, we'll never know.
Officer Ziva David: It will be as if he never existed.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just like Fornell wanted.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: [Watching Fornell] For a guy that's about to be handed his head...
Officer Ziva David: He seems to have it firmly on his shoulders.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Calm before the storm. Gibbs vs Fornell, it's like Frazier-Ali, or Rocky vs everyone.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: But you know Ziva will kill you if she finds out you're doing what I'm no longer seeing you do.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Then it's a good thing you're not seeing me do it.
Episode - Terminal Leave (2004)
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Tony! Out of here. Now!
[From the shower]
Tony DiNozzo: What? I'm just brushing my teeth. Oh, hey, don't use up the hot water 'cause you've been in there forever.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Tony, how long have you been in here?
Tony DiNozzo: Long enough to know you can't sing... and haven't shaved your legs in a week. Outrageous.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Running out in the open? This is not a good idea.
Tony DiNozzo: Well, she's stubborn, won't listen to reason and is definitely used to getting her own way. Kind of reminds me of someone.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: Yeah, like a female Gibbs.
Tony DiNozzo: See, I was thinking you.
Tony DiNozzo: Oh, sounds like we're goin' to need the infrared scope on this one, McGee.
Timothy McGee: The one that can see through walls at night?
Tony DiNozzo: Better than pay-TV, and, the best part? It's free.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: And that's the reason why, Tony.
Tony DiNozzo: Why what, Kate?
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: You'll never get my home address.
[Tony is eavesdropping on protectees who are arguing]
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: [whispering] What are you doing?
Tony DiNozzo: Uh, listening.
Caitlin "Kate" Todd: [pulling him away] That is just wrong.
Tony DiNozzo: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al Qaeda assassins - that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
Episode - Frame Up (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [teasing] You set this up, didn't you?
Officer Ziva David: I would never. Okay, I maybe I would, but I didn't.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You know maybe you should expand the list, just to include people that just hate you.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hate me? Nobody hates me.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Paula Cassidy.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't go there! People like me. I'm a nice guy!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What about the, ah, woman that posted your picture on the herpes-alert website?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well I always break up with them, when I find out they're married, Ziva.
Episode - Yankee White (2003)
Security Guard: NCIS? Anything like CSI?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Only if you're dyslexic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Fornell before slamming closed the hatch of Air Force One] Sorry, we, uh, overbooked the flight.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hey! Cockpit's on the top deck.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I knew that.
Episode - Silent Night (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Harvey the security guard pulls a taser on the team] That's a Taser, Harvey.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: You only have one shot. Non-fatal.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: There are five of us.
[Harvey promptly tasers McGee]
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [rubbing his feet on the carpet as he walks up to McGee, in a singsong voice] Friction makes a static charge.
[shocks McGee]
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Would you stop that? I'm still humming from the Taser.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's a taser, Harvey.
Officer Ziva David: You only have one shot, non-fatal.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: There's five of us.
[long pause. Harvey shoots McGee]
Episode - Eye Spy (2004)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You got me thinking, Kate. Maybe I should improve my diet.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: When are you going to start?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What do you call this?
[referring to a nutrition bar]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Uh, bad things masquerading as something good for you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is a nutrition bar. It says so on the label.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Yeah. Did you read the label? A little. You know one with the ingredients not just the big one with the pretty colors?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Sarcasm is so not healthy, Kate.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Neither is that. Let's see. We've got here, high fructose corn syrup. Basically sugar. Uh, high maltose corn syrup. Another sugar. Sugar. Sugar. Uh, fractionate palm kernel oil. That sounds yummy! And contains less than two percent natural flavor. That would make it ninety eight percent artificial flavor.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What are you saying?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So whatever happened between you and Abby?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Our paths still cross on occasion.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really? Guess that tat on the old caboose did the trick.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Among other things.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You don't say? Did you see any art on her caboose?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You're right, I don't say.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'll take that as a no.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Well let's just say that she's more appealing from a distance, a geosynchronous distance.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: She didn't look to bad to me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's not that. She's just not my type.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Really? A female hardbody who likes to take her clothes off is not your type?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I guess not.
Episode - About Face (2008)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, it's funny til someone plunges to their death.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh come on! Still with the height thing? You gotta get over that man!
Special Agent Timothy McGee: You don't just get over irrational fears. They're irrational!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So we got a struggle and a dead guy.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Struggle over what?
Officer Ziva David: Over the edge.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: We gotta find out what he was doing up here.
Officer Ziva David: And with whom he was doing it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Doing what?
Officer Ziva David: Whatever it was he was doing when he was undone.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Done? What?
Officer Ziva David: Done!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Wait.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: In. My dear fellow. Done in. Don't you understand the Queen's English?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not this queen.
Episode - Seadog (2003)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [holding a bag of money] This was found on these two boys in the cooler. It's counterfeit. It comes from a foreign government known to support terrorism. That makes you two dirtbags suspected enemy combatants under the Patriot Act. Tony, read them their rights. Put them on the first Navy transport to Gitmo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. One will not be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights you don't have?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How many numbers did he dial?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Six.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: One more and bada-bing-bada-boom.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Lucky he wasn't phony savy.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Savy enough to wire three phones to the same number.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah. What if he used speed dial?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Quoting a memo] All agents, not working active cases, are to attend a sexual harassment lecture at the NCIS Human Resource Center at 0930 hours, today.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I can not sit through another one of those, I will shoot myself.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You mean they actually train you guys how to harass?
[Gets a dirty look from Gibbs]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Hey, I'm kidding, except for Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seat belt on.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Right! Seat Belt.
Episode - Kill Ari: Part 1 (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Abby] You're weirder than Gibbs.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Your mother should have washed you mind out with soap. Gibbs leaves with a woman, and your only thought is, nooner.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Was not.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Was too.
[after each sees the other with a woman they don't know]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You first.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva David. She's here to stop you from wacking Ari. Yours?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Director Jenny Shepard. Same mission.
Episode - Heartland (2008)
Ziva David: I thought he was molded from clay, had life breathed into him by a group of mystics.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's funny. I thought he fell to Earth in a capsule after his home planet exploded.
Ziva David: [chuckles] No he burst forth fully grown from the mind of Zeus.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Nice.
Tony DiNozzo: He is the avatar of Vishnu. He was sent to be the left hand of Yahweh. He was grown in a cabbage patch. I'm trying to pose a serious metaphysical question here. You want to be clever? I can be clever.
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Just a matter of time, DiNozzo.
Tony DiNozzo: [to Jackson Gibbs] Jack, I just, I gotta know- I got a lot of questions...
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You can have two, DiNozzo.
Tony DiNozzo: Where do I start?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You got one left.
Episode - Chained (2004)
Tony DiNozzo: Kate! Oh, no...
Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?
Tony DiNozzo: My dog, she must have jumped out. Kate! Kate! Come here, girl. Oh, God...
[feigns injury]
Tony DiNozzo: Ah, ah, my leg...
Jeffrey White: Can you move it?
Motorcycle Rider: Wait here, I'll get her. What does she look like?
Tony DiNozzo: Aaaaaa... Shih Tzu.
Motorcycle Rider: A what?
Tony DiNozzo: Long, brown, hair, kinda mangey.
Tony DiNozzo: I'm not used to waking up this close to a man's face, Jeffrey.
Tony DiNozzo: Really liked him.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yeah! Yeah, I can see that.
Episode - Once a Hero (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [Tony tries to sneak some food and Ziva slaps his hand] Ow!
Officer Ziva David: We're not here to eat. We're here to protect the Director.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva, this is probably the most secure building in the whole country right now. CIA, DSS, ATF, FBI - the whole alphabet's here. Not to mention state troopers, metro cops and NCIS' finest - me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And you.
Officer Ziva David: [when Tony's eating a huge, greasy hamburger] You're disgusting. How can you eat that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You see, Ziva, the human body is a finely tuned engine - none more finely tuned than mine. Even the best engine needs oil.
Officer Ziva David: Two cellphones, huh?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, one for each ear.
Episode - Enigma (2004)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Do all Marines build boats?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just the ones that have been married a few times.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why's that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The other ones can afford to buy one.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, it's a good thing I'm not there, then.
[about Tony's ex-girlfriend]
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: So what happened?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She broke into my apartment and filled my closet with dog crap.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Ha! Really? I knew there was a reason I liked her.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I still have her number. Maybe you two can get together and boil rabbits or something.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Not my style, Tony. I would just shoot you.
Episode - The Weak Link (2004)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [DiNozzo sees a car he loves in the victim's garage] You're not gonna start giving me all the vital stats on this car, are you?
Anthony DiNozzo: Thunderball. She's got a...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Let me rephrase that, DiNozzo. You're not going to give me the vital stats on this car.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [helping Kate in her gear] You'll do fine. Alright, push this down, and clamp it onto your harness, like that. There we go.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Okay. Remind me, this is going to help us solve the case again because...
Anthony DiNozzo: It's fun.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You want to understand what happened. This is how we understand.
Anthony DiNozzo: I have kind-of-a crazy idea!
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Those are never comforting words, coming from you.
Episode - Grace Period (2007)
Paula Cassidy: [about Ziva] I wonder what Gibbs would do if I slapped her.
Anthony DiNozzo: I'd be more worried about what she would do.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This better not be another recall drill! I had floor seats for the Wizards this afternoon
Officer Ziva David: It's Agent Cassidy's team out of the Pentagon, Tony.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: They were attacked.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: She okay?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She survived.
Officer Ziva David: Her men weren't as lucky.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What the hell happened?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] We're going to find out, DiNozzo! Grab your gear!
[they don't react]
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Grab your gear!
Abby Sciuto: What will you do then?
Ziva David: We kill them, Abby.
Anthony DiNozzo: Arrest them, Ziva. We'll arrest them.
Paula Cassidy: I prefer her way.
Episode - Internal Affairs (2008)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs gave you a mission. Do what you do best.
Abby Sciuto: Dance?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Talk.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That was actually intimidating.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: DiNozzo! Why are you touching his face?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't know. It's soft, like touching a bunny rabbit.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't!
Episode - Designated Target (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm surprised you could understand him, Ziva. He spoke perfect English.
Officer Ziva David: You're xenophobic!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I am not Xena-phobic! It's one of my favorite shows: leather skirts, lesbian sword fighting, female empowerment. Maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.
Officer Ziva David: Do you see what I see?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [smacked in the head yet again by Gibbs] You know, repeated trauma to the head can cause brain damage.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Explains a lot.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Is this side of my head bigger?
Officer Ziva David: Yes, but so is the other side.
Episode - Last Man Standing (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Well I thought I never say it and truly mean it, but it's good to see you, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I miss you too, Probie.
NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: [as they're searching for a file] What do you see?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: A short life, McGee. Yours! If I get caught.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah life on the ocean blue, me hearties. If the scurvy don't get you, then the pox will. And tell me this, me little McShipmate, how's that scurrilous black-hearted pirate king of ours Captain One-Shot Gibbs?
NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs enters] Well I'm just fine, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh. uh.
[DiNozzo slaps the back of his own head]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: There you go, Boss. Welcome aboard.
Episode - Call of Silence (2004)
Ernie Yost: They took my license away.
Anthony DiNozzo: How come?
Ernie Yost: Got old. It's a fatal mistake. But I can fly anywhere for free. But I uh, I don't have anybody to visit any more.
Anthony DiNozzo: I'm sorry. What a waste! How'd you score a sweet deal like that?
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Coleman is going to use this to put Yost away for the rest of his life.
Anthony DiNozzo: Do we have to tell her?
Gibbs: [sarcastically] No. Here at NCIS we just report the evidence we like.
Anthony DiNozzo: [referring to the Marines with Commander Coleman] What's with the Olsen twins?
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: They're here to escort the accused to Quantico.
Ernie Yost: Well it's about time.
Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: We'll deliver him.
Lt. Cmdr. Faith Coleman: You've had two days to do that.
Episode - Twisted Sister (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [taking a cheerleader into custody] You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to do splits. You have the right to wear short skirts.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [reading from McGee's book] "Lisa's eyes reminded him of emeralds..."
Officer Ziva David: [touched] Oh...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: "... flawed only by the icicles in her heart."
Officer Ziva David: [grabs the book] He's dead!
[reading]
Officer Ziva David: "In the field, Agent Tommy is a dogged pursuer of dirtbags!"
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah.
Officer Ziva David: [slight chuckle] ... and any skirt over the age of 18."
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Sarah McGee] Your brother's dead!
Episode - Singled Out (2006)
Officer Ziva David: [getting worked up about Tony's recent behavor] Because you have been acting like a little snitch all week.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Uh, I believe the term is bitch.
Officer Ziva David: [lying] I know! I was just being polite
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't apologize, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Right. Sign of weakness.
Officer Ziva David: Not to mention, annoying.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: What's with Gibbs' moustache?
Officer Ziva David: I think it makes him look dignified.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: But it isn't Gibbs.
Officer Ziva David: Well, Tony, people change!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: People*change. Gibbs, doesn't.
Episode - High Seas (2003)
Agent Caitlin Todd: How long did Burley work here?
Abby Sciuto: Five years.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Five years with Gibbs. Amazing the guy didn't end up in a straitjacket.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What was that?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ah, nothing, boss, just praising your communication skills.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know, in the two years I've worked for Gibbs, he's never shaken my hand once? Never.
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: I was in the office two years before he even looked me in the eye.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Really?
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: Yeah, three years before he called me by name. Four till he got it right. By then, I'd actually gotten used to Steve. He must really like you.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Toss Shrewe's rack.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Got it.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Go over everything and I mean everything. Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there is such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.
Episode - Legend: Part 2 (2009)
Abby Sciuto: [Abby's phone is ringing] It's him. It's Tim. He knows I'm sitting at his desk.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Tell him you're in your lab. He won't know.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, he'll know. He knows everything.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs knows everything. McGenius is smart but he doesn't know everything.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Are we fighting?
Officer Ziva David: If we were, you would be on the floor. Bleeding.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome. So you're just annoyed with me?
Episode - Skeletons (2007)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: She seemed very un-Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Abby.
Officer Ziva David: Abby's un-happy?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, Abby's un-Abby.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did anyone else see what just happened with Abby?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, she stole my dollar.
Episode - The Immortals (2003)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's a bikini. Two piece.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: A bottom. And a hat?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Puerto Rican?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Any chance you're gonna try that on?
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: You first!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Trust me. Not gonna fit.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [about online games] And why do they use such weird names?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Neither does Tony.
Episode - Cover Story (2007)
Officer Ziva David: [talking about their characters in McGee's novel] Was no secret he was writing about us.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean, the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
Officer Ziva David: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy, where they, pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Officer Ziva David: When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would never happen.
[discussing first half of McGee's second book, which Tony and Ziva have read]
Abby Sciuto: All right, let's hear it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hear what?
Abby Sciuto: The book! At the end of Deep Six, goth forensic specialist Amy Sutton broke up with her boyfriend because she was digging someone else. Who's the somebody else?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, no, that part didn't really come up yet.
Officer Ziva David: Yeah, I think he's planning on revealing it, uh, um, you know, in the second part of the book.
Abby Sciuto: You guys are so lying.
Abby Sciuto: He's gay! The somebody else. I had a feeling, because Amy always wants what Amy cannot have. Does she know?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does who know?
Abby Sciuto: Forensic specialist Amy, she fell in love with a gay guy, Gibbs.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Is that why I'm here?
Abby Sciuto: No.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then Amy's on her own.
Episode - Hiatus: Part 2 (2006)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: That's not loaded is it?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Would Gibbs allow Ziva to carry a loaded weapon in there?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: No!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: And I'm not Gibbs, right?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Gibbs also thinks the Giants just won the Superbowl and that Dancing with Wolves was an academy award nominee.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, I loved that movie.
Officer Ziva David: Me too. Those Indians were so macho in their...
Episode - Family Secret (2006)
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking for additional information on the search for a suspect's car] And?
Anthony DiNozzo: And we, we can't find it. Uh, but we're not going to give up until we do.
Timothy McGee: Or die trying.
Anthony DiNozzo: Or die trying!? You had to put that in his head?
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Special Agent Ziva David: I didn't cave in! I was trying...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: McGee next.
Timothy McGee: Yeah but, Boss, it wasn't what it...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And my loyal Saint Bernard held out till last.
Anthony DiNozzo: Well, I...
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Probably all of thirty seconds. So - what is my team? In fact, can I call you my team?
Episode - Brothers in Arms (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Dr Berkley, I'm Tony.
Dr. Helen Berkley: I know who you are, my daughter told me you'd be the one in the over-priced shoes.
Timothy McGee: [following behind Director Shephard] Ever seen anyone walk that fast in heels?
Anthony DiNozzo: Only after a very hairy date.
Episode - Red Cell (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: First rule of Fight Club: never talk about Fight Club!
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Some how I don't remember college being quite like this.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Reminds me of time at Ohio State, we had this frat guy who...
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [bloody and out of breath from a fight] The next person who mentions the Spring Break, or a frat party, or College, is fired! Are we clear?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes.
Episode - Friends & Lovers (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I gotta write a book.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You should read one first.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: McGeek?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No! A very famous novelist, Thom E Gemcity.
Metro Police Detective John Carson: Who?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't ask, John. I'd vomit explaining.
Episode - Conspiracy Theory (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Thought you were dead, Fornell.
FBI Agent T.C. Fornell: I got better.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [after receiving a doctored photo from Kate] That's low, Kate.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: I learned from the best, Tony... We both delete at the same time.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: On three.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: One, two, three.
[they both hit a button on their computers. Gibbs receives two emails. Tony and Kate realize what they did. They hurriedly start to leave]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: See you tomorrow, Boss.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Have a good one, Gibbs.
Episode - Dog Tags (2008)
Lt. Matthew Sanchez: This is bullcrap. Sir.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: If by bullcrap you mean your worst freaking nightmare, then yeah this is bullcrap!
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about their suspect being found mauled] Thanks to Semper-Fido, he'll never roll over.
Episode - Under Covers (2005)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: In the famous words of Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs
[puts on a deep voice]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't believe in coincidences
Episode - Hiatus: Part 1 (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.
Officer Ziva David: I love that movie!
[starts to sing, DiNozzo puts his hand over her mouth]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to It's a Small World for 24 hours straight. Do we understand each other?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: This is so Usual Suspects.
Officer Ziva David: Tony, your dying words will be, I've seen this film.
Episode - The Good Samaritan (2004)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't say it, DiNozzo.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I wasn't going to say anything.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't think it.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Too late.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What'd you find in his nose?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cellulosic fiber, lignin.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Wood.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, sawdust, to be precise.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I mean, I don't think it's weird.
Episode - Missing (2004)
DiNozzo: Remember the good old days, Kate?
Agent Caitlin Todd: What good old days?
DiNozzo: When Gibbs would confide in us; treat us like peers?
Agent Caitlin Todd: No!
DiNozzo: Good, I thought I was the only one.
Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, as far as I'm concerned, you're irreplaceable.
Tony DiNozzo: I knew it, heh. I knew behind the whole Marine thing you really are, at heart.
Episode - Agent Afloat (2008)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: So, let me guess. You guys caught a bad case of DiNozzo-itis, had Vance send you down south?
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: DiNozzo-itis. Sounds venereal.
Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: This is where you have been for the last month?
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah. It's just like the squad room, only I'm the squad and there's no room.
Episode - Escaped (2006)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [to Gibbs] I have much to learn still, Master.
Stanley Springer: I don't have to answer any more of your questions! No matter what you say!
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I got this little girl who wants to go home to her dad and that's not going to happen without your help. So, please.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did Gibbs just say?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: MM-hmm.
Stanley Springer: What, what did, did you want to know? Again?
Episode - The Voyeur's Web (2005)
DiNozzo: [about to enter and arrest a suspected murderer] Just stay behind me and follow my lead.
Special Agent Ziva David: I'm not a probie, Tony. I have been in a few of these situations.
DiNozzo: Not with me.
Special Agent Ziva David: So? I have not had sex with you either. Would that make me a virgin?
Episode - An Eye for an Eye (2005)
[Tony is asleep with his eyes open, and Kate is speculating on why he's sleepy]
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I don't kiss and tell, Kate.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Since when? I know more about your sex life than I do about my own, Tony.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's not hard to believe, Probie, since you don't have one.
Episode - Jeopardy (2006)
Officer Ziva David: [as they're driving to the hangar] Are you trying to make me sick or something, Tony?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: You know what, I can't see the windshield, I'm driving with my hands, and I still think I'm a better driver than you.
Officer Ziva David: To the left! The other left!
Episode - Bury Your Dead (2007)
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Have you ever lied to someone you love?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Yes.
NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Did they ever forgive you?
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: They never found out.
Episode - Identity Crisis (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's like taking spit out of the ocean.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Then how'd he do it?
Special Agent Courtney Krieger: Claims someone contacted him, and offered the service.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The Eraser.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: What movie's that from?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [sarcastically] I don't know Flashdance.
Episode - Iceman (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Look who's finally here.
Officer Ziva David: Like you've never been late, left early or gone mysteriously missing.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That's my point exacly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.
Episode - Ravenous (2006)
Special Agent Ziva David: I don't want him to think I'm sleazy.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: The term is 'easy'.
Special Agent Ziva David: What's the difference?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Mostly the make-up.
Episode - Hometown Hero ( (2005)
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I was trying to figure out the wipers. Took my eyes off the road for a second, looked up. There it was. Right in front of me.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Car?
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Bus.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: I got a student pass the day I got out of traction.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I didn't know.
Episode - Lost and Found (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [stepping into elevator] Well, looks like it's just you and me, David. Nothing like a long, relaxing road trip.
[jingles vehicle keys in front of her]
Officer Ziva David: [snatches vehicle keys out of DiNozzo's hand] I'm driving.
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm dead.
Episode - Sharif Returns (2007)
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ziva, you and Tony...
Officer Ziva David: [interrupting] run down a list of the Major's deliveries starting with the most recent.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And find out...
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [inturrupting] If any of them were BZ gas. On it boss.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Do they always finish your sentences for you?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I teach them to anticipate.
Army Lt. Col. Hollis Mann: Well they do it well. You must be a good teacher.
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Well, thank you, thank you very much.
Episode - The Curse (2003)
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: RIO?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B, short for Guy In Back.
Agent Caitlin 'Kate' Todd: Why do you need two Bs?
Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.
Episode - In the Dark (2007)
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Before you give me advice on dating, there's something I need to get out my system first, okay?
Officer Ziva David: Stop laughing, or I will have to hurt you!
Episode - The Meat Puzzle (2005)
[after being introduced multiple times]
Mrs. Victoria Mallard: Who are you?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I'm Tony DiNozzo, the Italian, gigalo, furniture mover.
Episode - Legend: Part 1 (2009)
Officer Ziva David: OSP?
Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Office of Special Projects. NCIS undercover. Surveillance.
Special Agent Timothy McGee: Supercool toys.
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