Character Name
Sam Seaborn
(82 episodes, 1999-2006)
"The West Wing: Six Meetings Before Lunch (#1.18)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: If you haven't seen C.J. do "The Jackal", then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it's meant to be done.
Mallory O'Brian: Don't play dumb with me.
Sam Seaborn: No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart.
[Mallory is angry at Sam before going on a date with him because of the position paper he wrote about school vouchers]
Sam Seaborn: What kind of dates have you had that you're amazed this hasn't come up?
Mallory O'Brian: I'm a public school teacher.
Sam Seaborn: Seriously, the other guys - they order drinks and say: "Before we go any further I just want you to know my position on school vouchers?"
Mallory O'Brian: Sam.
Sam Seaborn: It's my day of jubilee.
Mallory O'Brian: I despise you. And everything you stand for.
Sam Seaborn: All right, my day was a little bit better a few seconds ago, but that's all right.
Sam Seaborn: I thought you were trying to drive a wedge between us.
Leo McGarry: Yeah, but now you're just boring the crap out of me.
Sam Seaborn: Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes, we need gigantic, monumental changes. Schools should be palaces. The competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be making six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge to its citizens, just like national defense. That's my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
Sam Seaborn: We have people on the payroll who are experts at obfuscating the Constitution.
"The West Wing: Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc (#1.2)" (1999)
Sam Seaborn: [trying to get a moment alone with Laurie] I hope you don't mind my barging in like this. It's just that I've known this girl my whole life.
Woman #2: How do you know Brittany?
Sam Seaborn: Who's Brittany?
Laurie: I am.
Sam Seaborn: Okay!
Sam Seaborn: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby Ziegler: Really?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: You accidentally slept with a prostitute?
Sam Seaborn: A call girl.
Toby Ziegler: Accidentally?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
Toby Ziegler: I don't understand. Did you trip over something?
Toby Ziegler: Before you picked up a hooker?
Sam Seaborn: Call girl.
Toby Ziegler: Well that's a distinction that's going to be very important to the grand jury.
C.J. Cregg: USA Today asks you why you didn't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's cause you don't look good in funny hats.
Sam Seaborn: It was "big hats".
Sam Seaborn: Look, I really like her and she's not what's you think.
Josh Lyman: The only thing I know about her is, she's a call girl. Is she a call girl?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
Josh Lyman: Then so far she's exactly what I think.
Sam Seaborn: A vague quote from Hoynes will disappear by the end of the next news cycle. A fistfight between Leo and the Vice President's got juice.
"The West Wing: Pilot (#1.1)" (1999)
Mallory O'Brian: I'm sorry to be rude, but are you a moron?
Sam Seaborn: In this particular area, yes.
Mallory O'Brian: The 18th president was Ulysses S. Grant and the Roosevelt Room was named for Theodore.
Sam Seaborn: Really?
Mallory O'Brian: There's like a six-foot painting on the wall of Teddy Roosevelt.
Sam Seaborn: I should have put two and two together.
Mallory O'Brian: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: The thing is while there really are a great many things on which I can speak with authority, I'm not good at talking about the White House.
Mallory O'Brian: You're the White House Deputy Communications Director and you're not good at talking about the White House?
Sam Seaborn: Ironic, isn't it?
Toby Ziegler: You think the United States is under attack from 1,200 Cubans in rowboats?
Sam Seaborn: I'm not saying I don't like our chances.
Toby Ziegler: Mind-boggling to me we ever won an election.
Laurie: Tell your friend POTUS he's got a funny name, and he should learn how to ride a bicycle.
Sam Seaborn: I would, but he's not my friend; he's my boss. It's not his name, it's his title.
Laurie: POTUS?
Sam Seaborn: President of the United States. I'll call ya.
Sam Seaborn: Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I am a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says that a considerable portion of Americans feel that the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that is not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard are fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean, while the governor of Florida wants to blockade the port of Miami. A good friend of mine is about to get fired for going on television and making sense. And it turns out that I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now, would you please in the name of compassion tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?
Mallory O'Brian: That would be me.
Sam Seaborn: You.
Mallory O'Brian: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Leo's daughter's first-grade class.
Mallory O'Brian: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Well, this is bad on so many levels.
Billy: Just tell me who to call.
Sam Seaborn: Well, you could call 1-800-BITE-ME
Sam Seaborn: I don't think we're going to run the table, if that's what you're asking.
"The West Wing: Galileo (#2.9)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: Oh, like there aren't any pictures of you and a call girl?
Mallory O'Brien: No. There aren't any pictures of me and a call girl.
Sam Seaborn: Well, that's a crime.
C.J. Cregg: Sam.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah?
C.J. Cregg: The President wants us to go to the concert tonight so we can discuss broader themes for the televised classroom.
Sam Seaborn: Great.
C.J. Cregg: Great?
Sam Seaborn: It should be about more than rocks and average rainfall.
C.J. Cregg: Oh, God, does it rain on Mars?
Sam Seaborn: No, but I'm saying...
C.J. Cregg: The White House should develop a broader theme.
Sam Seaborn: That's right. And I think it's incredible the President's asked the two of us. It's a privilege. And we should attack with energy due the moment...
C.J. Cregg: Mallory's gonna be there.
Sam Seaborn: I can't go.
Sam Seaborn: There are a lot of hungry people in the world, Mal, and none of them are hungry 'cause we went to the moon. None of them are colder and certainly none of them are dumber 'cause we went to the moon.
Mallory O'Brian: And we went to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
Mallory O'Brian: Why?
Sam Seaborn: 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave, and we looked over the hill and we saw fire; and we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the west, and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration and this is what's next.
Sam Seaborn: Who's your boyfriend?
Mallory O'Brian: I don't think...
Sam Seaborn: What's his name?
Mallory O'Brian: His name is Richard Andrewchuk.
Sam Seaborn: There's a hockey player named Richard Andrewchuk.
Mallory O'Brian: Well, unless there are two of them...
Sam Seaborn: You're dating Richard Andrewchuk?
Mallory O'Brian: Yes, and we're having quite a lot of sex.
Sam Seaborn: I think you'd almost have to.
Mallory O'Brian: What does that mean?
Sam Seaborn: What the hell do you and Richard Andrewchuk talk about?
Mallory O'Brian: He happens to be a terribly bright guy.
Sam Seaborn: Well, good, because he's a really bad hockey player.
Mallory O'Brian: He's had injury problems this season.
Sam Seaborn: From falling down.
Scott Tate: Look, I don't want to step on your toes. You don't want to step on mine. We're both writers.
Sam Seaborn: Yes, I suppose, if we broaden the definition to those who can spell.
Scott Tate: [Sam walks away] Excuse me?
"The West Wing: The Leadership Breakfast (#2.11)" (2001)
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Who was the idiot who set off the smoke alarm last night?
Josh Lyman: Well, it sounds a lot like you're talking about Sam, Mr. President.
Sam Seaborn: Were you inconvenienced, sir?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: They had me on the Truman balcony for 6 minutes in my underwear.
Sam Seaborn: Was it cold?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: In January? No. Why do you ask?
Sam Seaborn: In fact we were talking about the stability of former Soviet republics and their fear of Islamic extremism and I have to say that I made some very scholarly points regarding the remaining nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan and I have to believe...
Josh Lyman: Kazakhstan.
Sam Seaborn: Hmm?
Josh Lyman: The nuclear weapons are in Kazakhstan.
Sam Seaborn: I said Kyrgyzstan?
Josh Lyman: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, well, Kyrgyzstan has no nuclear weapons.
Josh Lyman: No.
Sam Seaborn: Kazakhstan's a country four times the size of Texas and has a sizable number of former Russian missile silos.
Josh Lyman: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Kyrgyzstan's on the side of a hill near China and has mostly nomads and sheep.
Donna Moss: You're not using lighter fluid or anything, are you?
Josh Lyman: No, no flammable liquids of any kind to start a fire, ever.
Sam Seaborn: Found it.
Josh Lyman: What?
Sam Seaborn: Kerosene.
Donna Moss: Josh...
Josh Lyman: Go.
Josh Lyman: Could you possibly get us some dried leaves?
Donna Moss: Yeah, I'll just run out to the forest and be right back.
Donna Moss: [Donna leaves room]
Sam Seaborn: You know what?
Josh Lyman: You think she was being sarcastic?
Sam Seaborn: Yeah. I don't think she's getting the leaves.
Josh Lyman: You know what we could use?
Sam Seaborn: Newspaper.
Josh Lyman: See, this is what I'm talking about. This is teamwork.
Sam Seaborn: It really is.
Josh Lyman: How's this for a phrase? "You can lay down in front of the train or you can get on board."
Sam Seaborn: That's a really bad phrase.
Josh Lyman: Is it better if it's "You can get on board the train or you can lay down in front of it"?
Sam Seaborn: No. It's really bad either way.
"The West Wing: The Lame Duck Congress (#2.6)" (2000)
Ainsley Hayes: I'm not gonna say anything. I'm not gonna spill anything. I'm not gonna get Republican juice on you. I'm just gonna sit there and learn.
Sam Seaborn: What?
Ainsley Hayes: From the master, Sam. I wanna learn from the master.
Sam Seaborn: You see, women think that kind of thing works, but it doesn't.
Ainsley Hayes: [takes a step closer to him] It really does Sam.
Sam Seaborn: [turns and walks away, Ainsley follows] I'll let you come to the hill, you'll summarize my memo.
Ainsley Hayes: I'll use punctuation and everything. You might even get extra credit.
Sam Seaborn: You must've had 'em rolling in the aisles back in Georgia.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm from North Carolina.
Sam Seaborn: Wherever it was that you studied baton twirling.
Ainsley Hayes: That'd be Harvard Law School.
Sam Seaborn: I'm going to take Ainsley to the Hill with me for the meetings.
Leo McGarry: Good.
Sam Seaborn: She wants me to teach her a couple things.
Leo McGarry: Good.
Sam Seaborn: She called me the master.
Leo McGarry: Get out.
Sam Seaborn: Okay.
Sam Seaborn: You reversed my position.
Ainsley Hayes: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: I gave this to you to summarize, and you didn't summarize it so much as you reversed my position.
Ainsley Hayes: I gave it a little polish, yeah.
Sam Seaborn: You reversed my position.
Ainsley Hayes: It's shorter.
Sam Seaborn: It is shorter... and you reversed my position.
Sam Seaborn: Well, we play with live ammo around here.
"The West Wing: Celestial Navigation (#1.15)" (2000)
Sgt. MacNamara: [explaining his arrest of Roberto Mendoza for suspicion of drunk driving] I'm the one that pulled him over, you know. His driving was erratic. Still not entirely convinced he hadn't been drinking.
Sam Seaborn: Well, you have a problem there.
Sgt. MacNamara: What's that?
Sam Seaborn: Judge Mendoza has chronic persistent hepatitis, which is a non-progressive form of liver inflammation. If he'd had enough to drink to blow point one on the blood-alcohol, he'd be dead right now.
[drinks from coffee cup]
Sam Seaborn: This is good coffee.
Sam Seaborn: There's a store open up there. I'm gonna pull over and ask 'em if they know where the Wesley police station is.
Toby Ziegler: Or you could just pull in there,
[points]
Toby Ziegler: at the Wesley police station and ask them.
Sam Seaborn: Hey!
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Look!
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
C.J. Cregg: I'm experiencing some pain.
Sam Seaborn: For how long?
C.J. Cregg: About a month now, but it'll go away by itself.
Sam Seaborn: When?
C.J. Cregg: When I die, Sam.
Officer Peter: You walk in here, you tell me you work for the President...
Sam Seaborn: [looks at officer's name tag] Officer Peter, we're in a certain amount of trouble tonight and the only thing I've got going for me is that you're in more trouble than we are. My name is Sam Seaborn, I work for the President and the sooner you reach the conclusion that I'm telling you the truth the better off we're all gonna be. Why don't you go get your watch commander?
[Officer Peter leaves the room. Sam turns to Toby]
Sam Seaborn: Let me tell you something. If we'd have stayed on the Merritt parkway instead of getting off on exit 29 and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'd have wound up in Bridgeport so many times.
Toby Ziegler: Shut up.
"The West Wing: Bartlet's Third State of the Union (#2.13)" (2001)
Sam Seaborn: Where'd you get the bathrobe?
Carol Fitzpatrick: The gym.
Sam Seaborn: There are bathrobes at the gym?
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: In the women's locker room.
Sam Seaborn: But not the men's.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and 50 women.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yeah, and it's the *bathrobes* that's outrageous.
Sam Seaborn: And please don't forget you're a blonde, Republican girl, and that nobody likes you.
Ainsley Hayes: I'm going back on television right now.
Sam Seaborn: Try and remember you're on our side.
Sam Seaborn: You need anything?
Josh Lyman: A lightning bolt, a key, and a kite.
Sam Seaborn: How have you never met the President?
Ainsley Hayes: I haven't.
Sam Seaborn: You've been working here three months.
Ainsley Hayes: He works in the Oval Office and I work in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. I can't believe we haven't run into each other.
"The West Wing: In Excelsis Deo (#1.10)" (1999)
C.J. Cregg: What's your secret service code name?
Sam Seaborn: They just changed it.
C.J. Cregg: I know. What's yours?
Sam Seaborn: Princeton.
C.J. Cregg: Mine's "Flamingo".
Sam Seaborn: That's nice.
C.J. Cregg: No, it's not nice.
Sam Seaborn: Flamingo's a nice-looking bird.
C.J. Cregg: A flamingo is a ridiculous-looking bird.
Sam Seaborn: You're not ridiculous-looking.
C.J. Cregg: I know I'm not ridiculous-looking.
Sam Seaborn: Any way for me to get out of this conversation?
C.J. Cregg: I'm going to talk to someone.
Sam Seaborn: Excellent.
Josh Lyman: A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now, if our tactics seem less than civilized, it's because so are our attackers. We don't need your cooperation, Laurie. One of your guys wrote you a check, and the IRS works for me. And anyway, I don't feel like standing here, taking a civics lesson from a hooker.
Sam Seaborn: Josh...
Leo McGarry: You saw Sam's friend?
Sam Seaborn: How did you know?
Leo McGarry: I had you tailed.
Josh Lyman: You had us tailed?
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: Why did you have us tailed?
Leo McGarry: On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look.
Toby Ziegler: It's not the new millennium, but I'll just let it drop.
Sam Seaborn: It is.
Toby Ziegler: It is not the new millennium. The year 2000 is the last year of the millennium, it's not the first year of the next one.
Sam Seaborn: But the common sensibility, to quote Stephen Jay Gould...
Toby Ziegler: Stephen Jay Gould needs to look at a calendar.
Sam Seaborn: Gould says this is a largely unresolvable issue.
Toby Ziegler: Yes, it's tough to resolve. You have to look at a calendar.
[... ]
Sam Seaborn: You've got to ask yourself which is more exciting - watching your car roll over from 99,999 to 100,000 or watching it go from one hundred to a hundred and one.
C.J. Cregg: So technically the millennium is still a year away.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but... we've made all these plans.
"The West Wing: Enemies (#1.8)" (1999)
Toby Ziegler: It couldn't have gone far, right?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Toby Ziegler: Somewhere in this building is our talent.
Charlie Young: Sam, tomorrow is the Assistant Transportation Secretary's 50th birthday and Leo wants you to write a message from the President.
Sam Seaborn: He wants me?
Charlie Young: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: He wants me to write a birthday message for the President?
Charlie Young: Nancy Becker needs it tonight.
Sam Seaborn: Are you sure he doesn't want someone who, you know, isn't staggeringly overqualified for the job?
[Sam breaks a date with Mallory McGarry]
Sam Seaborn: This is something that came up, Mallory.
Mallory O'Brian: It's his 50th birthday, Sam. They couldn't have seen this coming for, like, the last 50 years?
Sam Seaborn: Say, you mind if I skip the coffee? I wanna nail this thing.
Leo McGarry: Oh, forget it. Your first draft was fine.
Sam Seaborn: I wanna nail it, Leo
Mallory O'Brian: Sam, the President was in on it. Your first draft was fine.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but still...
Mallory O'Brian: You wanna nail it
Sam Seaborn: I do
Mallory O'Brian: [to Sam about Leo] You're so exactly like him
Sam Seaborn: Well, that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Thank you.
"The West Wing: Lord John Marbury (#1.11)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: I admire your pluck.
Mandy Hampton: I'm - I'm sorry, what part of me do you admire?
Mandy Hampton: So, you're gonna talk to Josh and Toby?
Sam Seaborn: You're going to owe me a big favor.
Mandy Hampton: Sam...
Sam Seaborn: All right, we'll be even.
Mandy Hampton: Sam...
Sam Seaborn: All right, I'll do this and many more favors for you and then we'll be even.
Claypool: ...in your investigation, did you find any evidence of staff drug use?
Josh Lyman: No.
Claypool: I'd like to remind you that you're under oath.
Sam Seaborn: And I'd like to remind you that that's the seventh time that you've reminded him since he sat down.
Sam Seaborn: You're a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo, I'm gonna bust you like a pinata.
"The West Wing: The White House Pro-Am (#1.17)" (2000)
Abbey Bartlet: What was the problem with the interview?
Sam Seaborn: There was no problem with the interview. Except it looked like you discovered there was a child labor problem because a fourteen-year-old boy named Jeffrey just told you about it this morning.
Abbey Bartlet: I do not believe that is true.
Sam Seaborn: And I do not believe exercise is going to make me any healthier, but I didn't go to medical school. You did. You say so and I go to the gym.
[after Sam returns from the gym where he talked to a Congresswoman]
Sam Seaborn: She was inspired by the First Lady. She thought this morning there were trumpets and she doesn't want you...
Toby Ziegler: There were trumpets?
Sam Seaborn: The trumpet called, the trumpets sounded...
Toby Ziegler: What the hell goes on at that gym?
Abbey Bartlet: We're thoroughly professional.
Sam Seaborn: No, ma'am, I don't think you are.
Abbey Bartlet: I beg your pardon?
Sam Seaborn: Your guy's married to our guy and our guy won an election. Just something you and your people are going to have to get used to.
Lily Mays: Your guy has a 48% approval rating. My guy's at 61. And bite me.
Sam Seaborn: Ah. Point well argued.
"The West Wing: Red Haven's on Fire (#4.17)" (2003)
Sam Seaborn: How'd you call Josh?
Toby Ziegler: What do you mean?
Sam Seaborn: Didn't they take your cellphone from you?
Toby Ziegler: I borrowed theirs.
[motions to the bench of call girls]
Sam Seaborn: So on a call girl's phone bill, there's going to be a call to Air Force One?
Toby Ziegler: You're really going to be teaching the seminar on call girl caution? Really?
Sam Seaborn: [to Charlie] You're all right?
Charlie Young: Yeah, I'm all right. You know, when you sit in a cage, you have time to do a lot of thinking.
Toby Ziegler: Hurricane, we were in the joint for two hours and 20 minutes, 'kay?
Toby Ziegler: No, I just got off with Josh, and I'm running the campaign for the last week.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah. Technically, the President can't fire Scott Holcomb.
Toby Ziegler: He was taking it in the wrong direction, Sam, and you know it.
Sam Seaborn: And you guys are going to take it in the right direction?
Toby Ziegler: We made a rough entrance here, but things are looking up now.
Sam Seaborn: You trapped people at Disneyland, told the French they could stick a loaf of bread up their ass, had a meeting with a Communist, and things are looking up 'cause my new campaign director just made bail.
Toby Ziegler: Look, a glass is half full or half... You know, the other thing...
Sam Seaborn: I'm gonna lose.
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: There's no chance of a miracle?
Toby Ziegler: No.
Sam Seaborn: Then why are you here?
Toby Ziegler: You're gonna lose, and you're gonna lose huge. They're gonna throw rocks at you next week, and I wanted to be standing next to you when they did.
Sam Seaborn: [sarcastically] Oh, really?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: [Sam is touched and seriously asks] Really?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah.
"The West Wing: The Crackpots and These Women (#1.5)" (1999)
Bob Engler: I would like you to show the President some data we've collected on some possible extraterrestrial contact.
Sam Seaborn: I really can't do that.
Bob Engler: May I ask why not?
Sam Seaborn: Because the President will either yell at me or laugh at me. Either way it won't work out well for me.
Bob Engler: [Regarding UFOs] These things happen and go unexplained. you don't think this is something you should take to the President?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Bob Engler: Again may I ask why not?
Sam Seaborn: Because there are levels and an order to our air defense command and to jump from our radar officer to the commander-in-chief would skip several of those levels.
Bob Engler: Like what?
Sam Seaborn: Like the Pentagon and, you know, perhaps therapy.
Toby Ziegler: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
Leo McGarry: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam Seaborn: Actually, right now you're talking about a big block of cheese.
"The West Wing: And It's Surely to Their Credit (#2.5)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: See, I was told you were just going to be working in the Majority Counsel's office, which I wasn't wild about to begin with, but it's my understanding I'd be talking to Brookline and Joyce, seeing as how they work for me.
Ainsley Hayes: I was taking initiative.
Sam Seaborn: Well, wasn't that spunky of you.
Ainsley Hayes: Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? Tomorrow is Saturday. I will be here. You can call me and be rude by phone or you can stop by and do it in person. 'Cause I think if I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have worshipped, I am gonna lose it. So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it.
Sam Seaborn: [Having discovered in Ainsley Hayes' office a vase of dead flowers with the sign "bitch" attached to it, Sam realizes that White House staffers Brookline and Joyce are responsible, and soon bursts into their office. White House Chief Counsel Lionel Tribbey enters behind Sam, unnoticed]
Sam Seaborn: You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name. Here, I'll show you.
[grabs Joyce's desk blotter, dashing everything on it to the floor]
Steve Joyce: SAM!
Sam Seaborn: Do you have any idea how big a harassment suit you just exposed us to? She just... She works here. Which is more than I can say for either one of you.
[grabbing a pen, he quickly scrawls a message on the blotter as they watch. He holds it up for them to see]
Sam Seaborn: "You're fired. S. Seaborn."
[throws blotter down]
Mark Brookline: Sam, I don't know who you think you are around here, but you can't fire us.
Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel: Ohhh... Yes. He can. Leave here, and don't ever come back. It's time for both of you to write your book now.
Donna Moss: I'm doing the radio today.
Sam Seaborn: What's it about?
Donna Moss: You don't know what it's about?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Donna Moss: You're a speechwriter.
Sam Seaborn: I'm the Deputy Communications Director. I don't do the radio address.
Donna Moss: I think this one's about leaves turning.
Sam Seaborn: Wouldn't be surprised.
Donna Moss: Will he take it seriously?
Sam Seaborn: The President?
Donna Moss: Yeah.
Sam Seaborn: Why wouldn't he take it seriously?
Donna Moss: You don't take it seriously.
Sam Seaborn: I'm not the one who has to read it.
"The West Wing: Shibboleth (#2.8)" (2000)
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: That's 'cause every time we come up on a holiday you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
Toby Ziegler: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam Seaborn: And possibly a new action-adventure series.
Toby Ziegler: Nobody here has checked out.
Josh Lyman: Hey, I was just flipping a nickel in my office. Sixteen times in a row it came up tails.
Sam Seaborn: Well over three and half centuries ago, strengthened by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs - and solve crimes.
Toby Ziegler: Sam...
Sam Seaborn: It'd be good.
Toby Ziegler: Read the thing.
Sam Seaborn: By day they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs, and by night they solve crimes.
Toby Ziegler: Read the thing.
Sam Seaborn: Pilgrim detectives.
Toby Ziegler: Do you see me laughing?
Sam Seaborn: I think you're laughing on the inside.
Toby Ziegler: OK.
Sam Seaborn: With the big hats.
Josh Lyman: [Josh and Sam enter the oval office] You've heard?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: About the Chinese refugees?
Josh Lyman: They escaped.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: I know, can you believe it?
Josh Lyman: No. As a matter of fact neither one of us can believe it, sir.
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: That detention center was being guarded by the 22nd Division of the California National Guard. Now what does it say about our reserve army?
Sam Seaborn: That 83 men, women, and children, who haven't eaten in two months, staged a prison break?
"The West Wing: Dead Irish Writers (#3.16)" (2002)
[while discussing the importance of funding the superconducting supercollider - a controversial scientific project that would cost billions]
Sen. Jack Enlow, D-IL: If we can only say what benefit this thing has. No one's been able to do that.
Dr. Dalton Millgate: That's because great achievement has no road map. The X-Ray is pretty good, and so is penicillin, and neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. And now we have an entire world run by electronics. Hayden and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't. They invented them.
Sam Seaborn: Discovery.
Dr. Dalton Millgate: What?
Sam Seaborn: That's the thing that you were... Discovery is what. That's what this is used for. It's for discovery.
Sam Seaborn: I'm not an instigator.
Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg: Yes, you are.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels.
Sam Seaborn: You're not in any way a helpful person.
Dr. Dalton Millgate: Don't have to be. I have tenure.
"The West Wing: The Indians in the Lobby (#3.8)" (2001)
[about a kid who shot his teacher]
Josh Lyman: His parents, who are in custody, Fed-Exed him to Rome, which is in Italy.
Sam Seaborn: Are you kidding me?
Josh Lyman: No, it's really in Italy.
Josh Lyman: Don't go through the lobby.
Sam Seaborn: Why?
Josh Lyman: Indians in the lobby.
Sam Seaborn: Is that code?
Josh Lyman: No. There are Indians in the lobby.
Sam Seaborn: How you doing, Bernie?
Bernice Collette, OMB: I'm not wild about people calling me Bernie.
Sam Seaborn: What should I call you?
Bernice Collette, OMB: Bernice is fine.
Sam Seaborn: But how will you know I'm your buddy?
Bernice Collette, OMB: I'm okay living in the dark on that.
"The West Wing: Gone Quiet (#3.7)" (2001)
Bruno Gianelli: These are direct mail leaflets. "Bartlet: Hopelessly Liberal." "Bartlet: Super-Liberal." "Bartlet: Liberal, Liberal, Liberal."
Sam Seaborn: These aren't coming from our side, right?
Sam Seaborn: Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Bruno Gianelli: Because I'm tired of working for candidates who make me think that I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam! I'm tired of getting them elected! We all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said, "'Liberal' means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to!" And instead of saying, "Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave It To Beaver trip back to the Fifties...!", we cowered in the corner, and said, "Please. Don't. Hurt. Me." No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh? What do you say?
Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee: Sam, have you heard of Andrew Hawkins?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee: You funded his performance piece recently, which involved him destroying all his belongings outside a Starbucks in Haight-Ashbury.
Sam Seaborn: I've done that a couple of times... I didn't know there was funding available.
"The West Wing: The State Dinner (#1.7)" (1999)
Sam Seaborn: Oh, for God's sakes. It's Gideon v. Wainwright, 372 US 335. You cite the precedent, you cite Black's opinion for the majority.
Laurie: Thank you for that display of geek bravado...
Sam Seaborn: Toby, do you really think it's a good idea to invite people to dinner and then to tell them exactly what they're doing wrong with their lives?
Toby Ziegler: Absolutely, otherwise it's just a waste of food.
Leo McGarry: You got to work with Toby on the toast.
Toby Ziegler: Don't need him.
Leo McGarry: Yes, you do.
Sam Seaborn: It takes two people to write a toast?
Leo McGarry: The State Department is very particular about these toasts.
Josh Lyman: I'll assign someone from my office.
Mandy Hampton: I can do it.
Josh Lyman: No, you can't.
Mandy Hampton: Why not?
Josh Lyman: Because you're a political consultant and this is an actual, you know, thing.
Mandy Hampton: Leo, please tell Josh that I can play a role in issues and it's not going to be the end to this administration.
Josh Lyman: I don't think it will be the end of this administration, Leo. I think it's going to be the end of this republic.
"The West Wing: H.Con-172 (#3.11)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: Legitimate news organizations are gonna cover this, to say nothing of the people who hate us, who are gonna run it over, over, over, over, over. This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He *is* not credible. I'm a lawyer. I'm telling you that *has* to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we've gotta come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth if there's a comma in the wrong place. He needs to be killed until he is dead, and he needs to be killed again or he is gonna to keep biting at our ankles, and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're gonna be.
C.J. Cregg: [snapping her fingers like the Jets in "West Side Story"] "Boy, boy, crazy boy, keep cool, boy."
President Josiah Bartlet: Look, I'm really not going to talk to you about my underwear.
Sam Seaborn: That's... disappointing, Mr. President.
Sam Seaborn: I don't think it's such a good idea to be casual about the truth.
"The West Wing: 17 People (#2.18)" (2001)
Ainsley Hayes: Donna, who gave you those beautiful flowers at your desk?
Josh Lyman: I did! Me. Those are from me.
Ainsley Hayes: What's the occasion?
Donna Moss: Nothing.
Josh Lyman: Our anniversary.
Donna Moss: Our *not* anniversary.
Josh Lyman: Donna doesn't like to talk about it.
Donna Moss: I really don't.
Ainsley Hayes: Okay.
Sam Seaborn: A few years ago Donna's boyfriend broke up with her so she started working for Josh but then the boyfriend told her to come back and she did and then they broke up and she came back to work...
Donna Moss: [Donna gestures at Sam in exasperation]
Sam Seaborn: I thought you meant YOU didn't want to talk about it. I'm a spokesman. It's in my blood.
Sam Seaborn: I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.
Ainsley Hayes: Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.
Sam Seaborn: I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.
Ainsley Hayes: We also like beef.
"The West Wing: Election Night (#4.7)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: He wrote a concession speech.
Josh Lyman: Of course he wrote a concession speech. Why wouldn't he? What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?
Sam Seaborn: The wrath from high atop the thing.
Toby Ziegler: He upped and said we were gonna...
Josh Lyman: No, you got to go outside, turn around three times and curse.
Toby Ziegler: Spit.
Josh Lyman: Spit and curse.
Toby Ziegler: Do everything. Go!
Josh Lyman: Go!
Toby Ziegler: Go!
Josh Lyman: Go!
Toby Ziegler: Go!
[Sam gets up and leaves the room]
Sam Seaborn: You wrote a concession?
Toby Ziegler: Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Toby Ziegler: Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell's the matter with you?
Sam Seaborn: [explaining his agreeing to run for Congress] You have to understand. This wasn't something that cost me anything. They weren't going to announce unless Wilde won and that was never going to happen in Orange County. It's like the Secretary of Agriculture saying, "Sure, I'm ready to assume the Presidency should the 18 who come before me die. Why not?"
"The West Wing: The Portland Trip (#2.7)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: You think a Communist never wrote an elegant phrase? How do you think they got everybody to be Communists?
President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: A long flight across the night. You know why late flights are good? Because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Ask the impertinent question. Talk about the idea that nobody has thought about yet. Put it a different way...
Sam Seaborn: Be poets.
[despondent over his current writing "slump"]
Sam Seaborn: Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place. We should be talking about not being satisfied with past solutions; we should be talking about a permanent revolution.
"The West Wing: In This White House (#2.4)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it?
Ainsley Hayes: You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one.
Sam Seaborn: This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.
Ainsley Hayes: Imagine my surprise.
C.J. Cregg: What can I bring into the room about the conference?
Sam Seaborn: The sessions are productive. Progress is being made. These kind of things take time. All the parties are optimistic.
C.J. Cregg: Are any of the parties optimistic?
Sam Seaborn: No.
Josh Lyman: You look familiar to me. You're Aimsley Hayes.
Ainsley Hayes: Ainsley. With an "n".
Sam Seaborn: She works here now.
Josh Lyman: What?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her.
Josh Lyman: What are you talking about?
Sam Seaborn: Leo hired her. He told me and C.J., he was waiting to tell you and Toby.
Josh Lyman: What was he waiting for?
"The West Wing: Ways and Means (#3.4)" (2001)
Sam Seaborn: So, listen, there's a fire in Yellowstone Park.
Josh Lyman: Well, put it out.
Sam Seaborn: Technically, I'm not a professional firefighter, though there was a time I wanted to be.
Josh Lyman: When?
Sam Seaborn: When I was four.
Josh Lyman: When I was four, I wanted to be a ballerina.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah?
Josh Lyman: I don't like to talk about it.
Sam Seaborn: Ballerina?
Josh Lyman: I'd kinda like that not to get around.
Sam Seaborn: Yeah. No chance of that.
President Josiah Bartlet: [Later, that same day] Josh?
Josh Lyman: Yes, sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: A ballerina?
Josh Lyman: Yeah, I didn't... I didn't know what it was at the time. I liked the word.
President Josiah Bartlet: We'll go with that for now.
Josh Lyman: Can I ask you something?
Donna Moss: I had a plan.
Josh Lyman: When you say, "in one of these boxes..."?
Donna Moss: I had a plan. Each box is numbered. There's a piece of paper with a number and a corresponding description of the contents of each box.
Josh Lyman: Well, where's the piece of paper?
[pause]
Josh Lyman: It's in one of these boxes.
Donna Moss: I had a plan. I grew up on a farm.
Josh Lyman: You grew up in a condo.
Donna Moss: I grew up near a farm. And I was cute, and I was peppy, and I always did well on my nineteenth-century English literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime.
Josh Lyman: Hey, I'm not the...
Donna Moss: White-collar crime boy. You know what they do to a girl like me on that cell block? I've seen those movies.
Josh Lyman: Yeah, me, too.
Donna Moss: I'll bet you have.
Josh Lyman: Look...
Donna Moss: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
Josh Lyman: Hey, seriously, you need to sleep for a while.
Donna Moss: I can't yet. 'Cause in one of these boxes are Fed Ex receipts and mail-room records for any gifts or packages sent to senior staff, and in one of these boxes is a piece of paper which says which box it's in!
Josh Lyman: I'll be in the office.
Donna Moss: Your office is down a corridor, about two hundred feet from here. Try not to commit any felonies on the way.
Josh Lyman: I'll do my best.
Donna Moss: Yeah.
[Josh leaves the room]
Sam Seaborn: Josh?
Josh Lyman: Donna's like, two, three days away from unspooling. It's pretty fun to watch...
"The West Wing: He Shall, from Time to Time... (#1.12)" (2000)
President Josiah Bartlet: I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission, to restore the American dream for all our people as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?
Sam Seaborn: Leo.
Leo McGarry: Let's take a break.
President Josiah Bartlet: We meant stronger here right?
Sam Seaborn: What's it say?
President Josiah Bartlet: I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago.
Sam Seaborn: That's a typo.
President Josiah Bartlet: Could go either way.
C.J. Cregg: What are you taking?
President Josiah Bartlet: I don't know. My wife hands me pills, I swallow them with water.
Sam Seaborn: Sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: Vitamin C, Vitamin B. Is it possible I'm taking something called euthanasia?
Sam Seaborn: Echinacea?
President Josiah Bartlet: Ah, that sounds more like it.
"The West Wing: Bad Moon Rising (#2.19)" (2001)
Sam Seaborn: You're telling me you've never been to college and after taking two classes this summer you're going to be like, a junior?
Charlie Young: With a pretty decent G.P.A.
Sam Seaborn: Charlie, just how smart are you?
Charlie Young: I've got some game.
Sam Seaborn: I'm less visually observant than others, but I make up for it.
Lt. Emily Lowenbrau: How?
Sam Seaborn: With cunning and guile.
"The West Wing: 20 Hours in America: Part 2 (#4.2)" (2002)
Bruno Gianelli: [after hearing the President give a inspiring speech] When did you write that last part?
Sam Seaborn: In the car.
Bruno Gianelli: [pause] Freak.
Sam Seaborn: Good writers borrow from other writers, great writers steal from them outright.
"The West Wing: Five Votes Down (#1.4)" (1999)
Sam Seaborn: How do you feel there, big guy?
Toby Ziegler: Like I just got screwed with my pants on.
Sam Seaborn: Where you going?
Josh Lyman: Where *you* going?
Sam Seaborn: I was following you.
Josh Lyman: I was following you.
[awkward pause]
Josh Lyman: All right... don't tell anyone this happened, okay?
Sam Seaborn: Yeah.
"The West Wing: Isaac and Ishmael (#3.1)" (2001)
[Sam is addressing a group of students about terrorism]
Sam Seaborn: We jumped out from behind bushes while the British came down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously declared. It was on parchment with calligraphy, and "Your Highness, we beseech you on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please."
High-School Girl: What do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you're eating in can just blow up without any warning?
Sam Seaborn: Israel.
"The West Wing: Debate Camp (#4.5)" (2002)
President Josiah Bartlet: [practicing for a debate] I don't support racial profiling.
Sam Seaborn: [playing the part of a debate challenger] Your Attorney General did. Can you tell us why you nominated him?
President Josiah Bartlet: Why?
Sam Seaborn: Yes.
President Josiah Bartlet: 'Cause bite me, that's why.
C.J. Cregg: It's a legitimate question.
President Josiah Bartlet: It's been almost four years, Sam, how long do you want to say "I told you so?"
Josh Lyman: He wasn't saying "I told you so," sir. We need an answer on Rooker.
President Josiah Bartlet: What's wrong with 'bite me'?
Josh Lyman: I think we'd lose.
Toby Ziegler: Not in New Jersey.
President Josiah Bartlet: Apparently, eight Israeli Thunder fighters - these are also known as American-made Boeing F-15E Strike Eagles - have hit two terrorist bases in the north and south of Qumar, and while no Qumari government personnel or institutions were destroyed, Qumar, of course, considers an attack on its soil to be an act of war. So we are, as always, one bad bottle of tequila away from all-out war in West Asia.
[pauses, turns to Sam]
President Josiah Bartlet: Would you like to get this one, or shall I?
Sam Seaborn: Why don't you get this one, and I'll get... the next one.
President Josiah Bartlet: Okay.
"The West Wing: Process Stories (#4.8)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: You're gonna get asked if you're supporting my campaign.
President Josiah Bartlet: Are you running?
Sam Seaborn: No.
President Josiah Bartlet: Then you have my full support.
Sam Seaborn: [on his promise to run in the special election] You have to understand, this was something that wasn't going to cost me *anything*! It's like the Secretary of Agriculture saying "Yes, I'm ready to assume the Presidency should the seventeen that come before me die!"
"The West Wing: The War at Home (#2.14)" (2001)
Sam Seaborn: She goes out with guys. Are you jealous?
Josh Lyman: No.
Sam Seaborn: See?
Josh Lyman: I don't get jealous.
Sam Seaborn: So?
Josh Lyman: I don't like it. And I usually do everything within my considerable capabilities to sabotage it.
Ainsley Hayes: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.
Sam Seaborn: You're just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?
"The West Wing: The U.S. Poet Laureate (#3.17)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whoop your Cal Bears any day of the week.
C.J. Cregg: At what?
Sam Seaborn: [pause] Logarithms, possibly.
Rep. Bud Wachtell, D: There's a heavy stench of partisanism in the air, Sam.
Sam Seaborn: Actually, you know, they just sprayed for bugs.
"The West Wing: War Crimes (#3.6)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: You're a good deputy, Sam.
Sam Seaborn: What do you mean?
Toby Ziegler: That.
Sam Seaborn: You won money on football today, didn't you?
Toby Ziegler: Yeah, but I mean it anyway.
Sam Seaborn: [Sam's interrupting Leo and Gen. Adamle's discussion of war crimes and the international tribunal] If you're in the middle of something, I can come back.
USAF Gen. Alan Adamle: We're eliminating genocide. What are you doing?
Sam Seaborn: Eliminating the penny. So, I'll come back
"The West Wing: Take This Sabbath Day (#1.14)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: Leo, there are times when we are absolutely nowhere.
Sam Seaborn: Leo, I think you're going to find as you go through this weekend, that there's virtually no part of this discussion that isn't bizarre.
"The West Wing: 100,000 Airplanes (#3.12)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.
"The West Wing: Take Out the Trash Day (#1.13)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: Leo, did you know that there's a town in Alabama that wants
[to make the Ten Commandments into law]
Sam Seaborn: ...
Leo McGarry: Yes.
Sam Seaborn: What do you think about that?
Leo McGarry: Coveting thy neighbor's wife is going to cause some problems.
Sam Seaborn: That's what I said. Plus, if I were arrested for coveting my neighbor's wife, when asked about it, I'd probably bear false witness.
"The West Wing: Enemies Foreign and Domestic (#3.19)" (2002)
Russian Negotiator Nikolai Ivanovich: Why must every American president bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club while in comparison our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.
Sam Seaborn: Frumpy?
Russian Negotiator Nikolai Ivanovich: I don't know what "frumpy" is but onomatopoetically sounds right.
Sam Seaborn: It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know frumpy but knows onomatopoeia.
"The West Wing: 18th and Potomac (#2.21)" (2001)
Abbey Bartlet: You all right?
Sam Seaborn: Yes ma'am.
Abbey Bartlet: Sure you don't want some acetylsalicylic acid?... Aspirin, my brother.
Sam Seaborn: What a dumb major you had.
"The West Wing: Hartsfield's Landing (#3.15)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: I don't know how you do it.
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play.
[beat]
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Sam, you're going to run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you.
[moves chess piece]
President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: That's checkmate.
"The West Wing: Swiss Diplomacy (#4.9)" (2002)
President Josiah Bartlet: You going to campaign on prescription drugs?
Sam Seaborn: Our prescription drug bill -- yes, sir -- and our Medicare reforms and the Bartlet Energy Plan.
President Josiah Bartlet: Sam...
Sam Seaborn: Yes Sir?
President Josiah Bartlet: It's okay to run away from me when you need to.
Sam Seaborn: I would never, Mr. President. I simply would never do that. That's not how I'm getting votes.
President Josiah Bartlet: I appreciate that, but that's not what I'm talking about. You disagreed with me on Medicare. I remember the meeting right here. Then you wrote a five page memo. Run towards yourself. I'm wrong about that. Walk. You're not going to be used to your surroundings.
Sam Seaborn: Yes Sir
President Josiah Bartlet: If you lose, you lose. But if you waste this, I'll kill you. I'll just kill you, Sam.
"The West Wing: Tomorrow (#7.22)" (2006)
Sam Seaborn: [setting foot in the White House for the first time in three years] Home, sweet home.
"The West Wing: The Women of Qumar (#3.9)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: It's not going to be a big deal.
Sam Seaborn: Isn't that what we usually say right before something becomes a big deal?
"The West Wing: The Stackhouse Filibuster (#2.17)" (2001)
Josh Lyman: You want to do this?
Sam Seaborn: Absolutely.
Josh Lyman: Why?
Sam Seaborn: 'Cause it's insane. We got over 3,000 reports from federal agencies last year. Agriculture spent $40 million producing 280 reports. Four years of college, three years of law school, I spent 30 bucks at Kinko's. Gimme the thing.
"The West Wing: 20 Hours in America: Part 1 (#4.1)" (2002)
Sam Seaborn: [on his answering machine] Just yell really loud and I'll probably wake up.
Josh Lyman: SAM!
"The West Wing: Let Bartlet Be Bartlet (#1.19)" (2000)
Sam Seaborn: [on why it's not going to rain] I got this from the U.S. Coast Guard. I got this from the National Weather Service. They use satellites. They use technology.
[there's a thunderclap, and a downpour of rain begins]
Toby Ziegler: [very dry] This is the same satellite technology we use to detect intercontinental ballistic missiles, right?
Sam Seaborn: Yeah.
Toby Ziegler: All right, then.
"The West Wing: 20 Hours in L.A. (#1.16)" (2000)
[the staff is waiting for the President's meeting to end]
Josh Lyman: How's he doing in there?
Sam Seaborn: He's got that look on his face like he's thinking about ways to kill himself.
"The West Wing: In the Shadow of Two Gunmen: Part 1 (#2.1)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: If I see the real thing in Nashua, should I tell you about it?
Sam Seaborn: You won't have to.
Josh Lyman: Why?
Sam Seaborn: You've got a pretty bad poker face.
"The West Wing: A Proportional Response (#1.3)" (1999)
Sam Seaborn: You ever tried to overthrow the government?
Charlie Young: N-No sir.
Sam Seaborn: What the hell's been stopping you?
"The West Wing: The Fall's Gonna Kill You (#2.20)" (2001)
Toby Ziegler: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speech-writing.
Sam Seaborn: Well, I don't think he does.
Toby Ziegler: He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
Sam Seaborn: Okay.
Toby Ziegler: We're Batman and Robin.
Sam Seaborn: Which one's which?
Toby Ziegler: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam Seaborn: I'm not Robin.
Toby Ziegler: Yes you are.
Sam Seaborn: Okay, well, let's move off this.
Toby Ziegler: You bet, little friend.
Sam Seaborn: Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
Toby Ziegler: No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne and you're my ward... Dick Something.
"The West Wing: California 47th (#4.16)" (2003)
President Josiah Bartlet: [on phone] Leo, tell those pouncy little hairdressers I'm gonna shove a loaf of bread up their ass...
Sam Seaborn: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!
"The West Wing: The Short List (#1.9)" (1999)
Sam Seaborn: It's not just about abortion, it's about the next 20 years. In the '20s and '30s it was the role of government. '50s and '60s it was civil rights. The next two decades are going to be privacy. I'm talking about the Internet. I'm talking about cell phones. I'm talking about health records and who's gay and who's not. And moreover, in a country born on the will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this?
"The West Wing: Mandatory Minimums (#1.20)" (2000)
Josh Lyman: I'd like to clear up that I don't have suits for days of the week. This is just a regular suit.
Sam Seaborn: It's a nice suit.
Donna Moss: Sure it's a nice suit, it's his Joey Lucas suit.
Josh Lyman: Donna!
Donna Moss: I'm beginning to regret not getting the waffles.
Leo McGarry: I am beginning to regret having hired any of you! We have a 42% job approval and you're talking about waffles and something with Josh I don't understand.
Donna Moss: He's wearing a special suit for Joey Lucas.
Leo McGarry: You got dressed up for a guy named Joey?
