| Quote(s): "The Black Adder: The Foretelling"
Season 1 Episode 1 - 1983
Prince Edmund: Well, frankly, everyone thought you were dead.
Richard III: Well, frankly, I am.
*head floats away*
Prince Edmund: *after surveying the battle of Bosworth Field* Why, some people over there aren't fighting, they're just lying down!
Baldrick: They're dead, my lord.
Prince Edmund: Ah!
Prince Edmund: I shall be known from now on, as the Black Vegetable.
Baldrick: My lord, wouldn't something like the Black Adder sound better?
Prince Edmund: History, here I come!
Prince Edmund: And what is your name?
Baldrick: Baldrick, my Lord.
Prince Edmund: Then I will call you... Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I will call you my Lord, my Lord.
Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Prince Edmund: If we lose, I'll be chopped into pieces. My arm'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Prince Edmund: Let all men who go to don armour tomorrow remember to go before they don armour tomorrow.
Prince Edmund: They're coming! Run for the hills!
Baldrick: No, my lord! They're coming from the hills!
Prince Edmund: Run away from the hills! Run away from the hills! If you see the hills, go the other way!
King Richard: Edna! Fight you with us on the 'morrow?
Prince Edmund: Ummm, no, I thought I'd fight with the enemy.
Richard III: Who's that?
King Richard IV: I know not, my lord. I'll ask my son. Harry! Who is that?
Harry: It is your other son, my lord.
*to the king Richard III*
King Richard IV: It is my other son, my lord.
Richard III: Fights he with us tomorrow?
*to Harry*
King Richard IV: What's his name?
Harry: Edmund.
King Richard IV: Edna! Fight you with us on the morrow?
Prince Edmund: Oh, goodness, no. I thought I'd fight with the enemy.
*Silence. Blackadder giggles nervously and sits down*
Richard III: You are not putting him anywhere near me, are you?
King Richard IV: No, no, my lord. He'll be somewhere amongst the rabble.
Richard III: Oh, arrow fodder.
King Richard IV: Precisely.
*Richard III waves at Edmund*
Richard III: What a little turd.
*Edmund has just cut off the head of King Richard III*
Baldrick: What have you done?
Prince Edmund: Look!
Baldrick: Oh, dear. Richard the Third.
"The Black Adder: The Archbishop"
Season 1 Episode 3 – 1983
Prince Edmund: *after hearing the possible money-making schemes of being archbishop* Selling the sexual favours of Nuns? Some people actually pay for them?
Baldrick: Foreign business men, other nuns, yes.
Prince Edmund: *reading a curse* Dear Enemy, I curse you and hope something slightly unpleasant happens to you. Like an onion falling on your head.
Prince Edmund: Yes, almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertum being struck by a falling gargoyle while swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Quite, quite. And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backward onto the spire of Norwich Castle. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
Prince Edmund: *confessing* I have coveted my father's adultery and not honored my neighbor's ass.
Prince Edmund: Tell me, Brother Baldrick, what exactly did God do to the Sodomites?
Baldrick: I dunno, my lord. But it can't have been worse than what they used to do to each other.
Prince Edmund: *reads stronger curse* Dear Enemy, may the lord hate you and all your kind. May you turn orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment.
Prince Edmund: You see, the thing about heaven is that heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in heaven. Like, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants.
"The Black Adder: The Queen of Spain's Beard"
Season 1 Episode 4 – 1983
Baldrick: My Lord...
Prince Edmund: What?
Baldrick: I also have a plan.
Prince Edmund: Yes?
Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Prince Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, *intimate* company of men...?
Prince Edmund: You don't mean... like the Earle of Doncaster...?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.
Prince Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.
Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?
Prince Edmund: Well, no-one wou -
*realises*
Prince Edmund: Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster!... except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.
Baldrick: Why not make her believe you prefer the company of men?
Prince Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
Baldrick: No, I mean... the intimate company of men.
Prince Edmund: You don't mean... like the Earl of Doncaster?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster!
Prince Edmund: That radish, that great big steaming left-footer? The Earl of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding sidesaddle since he was seventeen!
Baldrick: Well, who would marry the Earl of Doncaster?
Prince Edmund: No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster... wait. Brilliant! No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster! Except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.
Prince Edmund: So let me get this straight. You're saying that something which you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else which you have never seen?
Prince Edmund: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
The Blackadder - Prince Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
Prince Edmund: My God! In twenty four hours I'll be married to a walrus!
Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain: Mon Amor! Mon Amor!
*Starts kissing Blackadder*
The Queen: Look at the two love birds!
Prince Edmund: One love bird and one love elephant.
Baldrick: *as Edmund and Percy are dressing him up* Please my lord, I need you to reconsider...
Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it!
Baldrick: But I'll die in there. *meaning the room that Infanta is in*
Prince Edmund: Don't worry. We'll give you a hero's funeral, bury you at sea, say you died in combat, with an enemy vessel.
Prince Edmund: *reading to Princess Leia* "And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends, and go to live in a land far away where the elves and faries would look after him until the day that he died."
*Edmund closes the book, Princess Leia yawns*
Princess Leia of Hungary: Oh that was lovely Edmund. What a happy story.
*Edmund looks unhappy*
Princess Leia of Hungary: Isn't it time to put the light out?
Prince Edmund: Yes my dear, I think it is. It must be at least... six o' clock. *Edmund blows the candle out*
King Richard IV: *clapping his hands* Where is she? Where is she? Where is Princess Leia?
*Edmund eyes the four beautiful ladies in the room and waits patiently. Princess Leia enters*
King Richard IV: Ah, good. Good!
*to Edmund, who is surprised to see that Princess Leia is a child*
King Richard IV: Husband, meet your new wife.
Princess Leia of Hungary: *very pleased* Hello Edmund.
Prince Edmund: *looking displeased* Hello.
Princess Leia of Hungary: *suddenly looking displeased* Are we getting married now?
Prince Edmund: *slightly happier* Yes. Yes, I believe we are.
Princess Leia of Hungary: Come on then.
*Princess Leia takes Edmund's hand*
Princess Leia of Hungary: Can I have a drink of water please?
Prince Edmund: *almost whispering* Yes, yes, yes! All right!
"Blackadder II: Beer"
Season 1 Episode 5 - 1986
Blackadder: So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand?
Baldrick: Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water.
Blackadder: Which reminds me, Auntie...
Lady Whiteadder: Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. Which is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table.
Blackadder: Or indeed, any table.
Lord Percy: Except perhaps a table in a brothel.
Lady Whiteadder: Chairs! You have chairs in your House?
Blackadder: Yes, well...
*she slaps him twice*
Lady Whiteadder: Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike!
Blackadder: And yourself?
Lady Whiteadder: I sit on Nathaneal! Two spikes would be an extravagance.
*Edmund is trying to impress his puritan relatives*
Blackadder: This is a house of simple purity.
Monk: *Runs in and vomits in fireplace* Great booze-up, Edmund.
Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man?
Blackadder: No.
Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund
Blackadder: Oh, know him? Yes, I do.
Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"?
Blackadder: *very long pause* Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.
*Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting*
Queen Elizabeth: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Blackadder: Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is!
Queen Elizabeth: Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.
Blackadder: Uggh, the devil farts in my face once again...
Blackadder: They have one great redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on.
Blackadder: Baldrick, get the door.
*there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door*
Blackadder: Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good.
Baldrick: You said get the door.
Blackadder: Not good enough, you're fired.
Baldrick: But, my Lord, I've been in your family since 1532.
Blackadder: So has syphilis. Now get out.
Simon Partridge: *as Queen Elizabeth emerges from the closet* Whoa, another stripper.
Geoffrey Piddle: *as Lord Whiteadder also appears* And a male stripper!
Monk: Oh yes, this is much more like it!
*removes The Queen's cloak, revealing her identity*
Simon Partridge: And she's come dressed as the queen.
Geoffrey Piddle: Sexy!
Queen Elizabeth: *indignant* Do you know who I am?
Blackadder: *entering* Yes. I know who you are.
Geoffrey Piddle: Who?
Blackadder: You're Merlin, the Happy Pig.
Queen Elizabeth: Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England.
*they all kneel*
Queen Elizabeth: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman. But I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.
Simon Partridge: Prove it!
Queen Elizabeth: *playfully* Certainly will.
*picks up a large mug of beer*
Queen Elizabeth: First I'm going to have a little drinkie, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.
"Blackadder II: Potato"
Season 1 Episode 3 – 1986
Blackadder: I was under the impression that it's common maritime practice for a ship to have a crew?
Captain Rum: Opinion is divided on the subject.
Lord Melchett: Ah Blackadder, talking to yourself, I see.
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation.
Queen Elizabeth: *knock at door* Who is it?
Lord Melchett: It is I, your majesty.
Queen Elizabeth: Stop! Close your eyes. Now enter.
*Blackadder and Melchett enter. Melchett has his hand over his eyes*
Queen Elizabeth: *doing a very bad imitation of a sailor* Ahoy there me shivering matey, heave-ho.
*normal voice*
Queen Elizabeth: Right, now open your eyes.
Lord Melchett: *uncovers eyes* Thank you ma'am. And um...
*looks around room*
Queen Elizabeth: *practically squealing with delight* What's the matter Melchie?
Lord Melchett: *very obviously humouring her* Well I beg your pardon your majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away.
Queen Elizabeth: *mischievously* No. It was me!
Lord Melchett: Majesty! Surely not.
Blackadder: You utter creep.
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that by learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Lord Percy: *delighted* Yes, I'd heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.
Blackadder: I have better things to do than listen to Sir Rather-A-Wally Raleigh.
*Blackadder shows Baldrick a potato*
Blackadder: I mean, look at this. What is it?
Baldrick: I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord.
Blackadder: I haven't forgotten; it's a rhetorical question.
Baldrick: No, it's a potato.
Blackadder: By the day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais! Captain, set sail for France!
Captain Rum: Aye Aye, sir!
*the day after the day after tomorrow*
Blackadder: So you don't know the way to France either?
Captain Rum: No, I must confess that too
*Blackadder nods. Takes in this important information*
Blackadder: Bugger
"Blackadder II: Head"
Season 1 Episode 2 - 1986
Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: ...and that one.
Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Oh. Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Lord Percy: Well, yes, My Lord, I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it but I have been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!
Blackadder: Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldrick's own features, and many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason enough for him to wear it.
Blackadder: I'm off to see the Queen.
Lord Percy Percy: Oh, should I come too, my lord?
Blackadder: No, best not. People might think we're friends.
Blackadder: Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Contemptible. Worth a try.
Lord Percy Percy: The fashion today is towards the tiny.
Blackadder: In that case you have the most fashionable brain in London.
*after seeing Percy's giant ruff*
Blackadder: You look like a bird who swallowed a plate Percy.
Lord Percy Percy: It's the latest fashion actually and as a matter of fact it makes me look rather sexy.
Blackadder: To another plate swallowing bird perhaps, if it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Blackadder: We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace, and yet, Ploppy, you are, without a doubt, the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand, but I fear it would come off.
"Blackadder II: Money"
Season 1 Episode 4 – 1986
Bishop of Bath and Wells: *the Bishop is preparing to ram a red-hot poker up Blackadder's bottom, but takes a swig from a flagon offered by Baldrick* Bend over, Blackadder! This is where you get...
*gags, clutches at throat*
Bishop of Bath and Wells: Drugged, by God!
Blackadder: No, by Baldrick actually, but the effect is much the same.
Lord Percy Percy: I've done it, my Lord! I've discovered how to turn things into gold! Pure gold!
Blackadder: You have? Show me!
Lord Percy Percy: *takes lid off melting pot, and Baldrick, Percy and Blackadder are bathed in a green glow* Behold!
Blackadder: Percy... it's green.
Lord Percy Percy: Yes, my Lord!
Blackadder: Now, look, Percy, I don't mean to be pedantic or anything, but the color of gold... is gold. That's why it's called gold. What YOU have discovered, if it has a name, is some... Green.
Lord Percy Percy: *removes lump of Green from pot* Oh, Edmund... can it be true? That I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest Green?
Lord Percy Percy: Yes indeed, Percy, except that it's not really a nugget but more of a splat.
Blackadder: Yes, my Lord. A splat today, but tomorrow, who knows, or dares to dream...
Blackadder: This place smells worse than a pair of armored trousers after the Hundred Year War. Baldrick! Have you been eating dung again?
Lord Percy: My Lord! I have waited on your return!
*Percy hugs Blackadder*
Blackadder: And thank God you did, Percy, for I was just thinking to myself, "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat."
Lord Percy: After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold, pure gold.
Blackadder: Are you sure?
Lord Percy: Yes, my lord. Behold.
Blackadder: Percy... it's green.
Lord Percy: That's right, my lord.
Blackadder: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's *called* gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is "green".
Lord Percy: Oh, Edmund, can it be true, that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green?
Blackadder: Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not really a nugget, it's more of a splat.
Lord Percy: Well, yes, a splat today... but tomorrow - who knows, or dares to dream?
Blackadder: So we three alone in all the world can produce the finest green at will?
Lord Percy: Just so. Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: *Blackadder has blackmailed the Bishop with a nude painting of him with Percy* Never, in all my years, have I encountered such cruel and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?
Blackadder: No, I could never get used to the underwear.
Baldrick: *Baldrick knocks on Blackadder's bedroom door to find him sleeping with a prostitute* My Lord? There's someone at the door.
Blackadder: *wakes up groggily* What time is it?
Baldrick: It's, uh, four o'clock.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how many times have I told you, you mustn't let me sleep all day! This woman charges by the hour!
Baldrick: Uh, no, my Lord, it's, uh, four o'clock in the morning.
Blackadder: Someone wants to see me at four o'clock in the morning? What is he, a giant lark?
Baldrick: Uh, no, I think he's a priest.
Blackadder: Well, tell him to take his sacred backside elsewhere! And tell him that furthermore, if he comes nosing around again, I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and Wells, who drowns children during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards!
Baldrick: There's a priest wants t'see you, m'lord.
Blackadder: Well, tell him I'm Jewish.
Baldrick: *Black Adder is in desperate need of money to pay a debt to the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod* I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. Doing favours for sailors.
Blackadder: What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?
Blackadder: *a Sailor wants Black Adder to tell him a children's story because he misses his mum* and then Squirry the Squirrel went Ni, Ni, Ni and they went home for tea
Arthur the Sailor: Thanks very much me ol' shivering mateys! Now how much do you charge for good hard shag?
Lord Percy: My Lord. I have waited on your return.
*hugs Blackadder*
Blackadder: And thank God you did Percy, for I was just thinking to myself: "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat.'
Blackadder: *after Baldrick leaves bedroom* Well, you're a one, aren't you? When you should whispering sweet conversational nothings like, 'Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets,' you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering.
Molly: He treats me like a human being!
Blackadder: Look, if I wanted a lecture on the Rights of Man, I would have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
Blackadder: Baldrick!
Baldrick: My lord?
Blackadder: Pack my bags; I'm going to sell the house.
Baldrick and Percy: *Shocked* What?
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.
Blackadder: Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy... just go forth into the street.
"Blackadder II: Chains"
Season 1 Episode 6 – 1986
Blackadder: Awh, God, God, God. What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. Where am I?
Lord Melchett: *groans* Ooohhhh...
Blackadder: Who's there?
Lord Melchett: It is I, Melchett.
Blackadder: Melchett! You ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. A real mess!
Lord Melchett: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnaped!
Blackadder: No speako dego. I demand to see the British Ambassador, understand?
Torturer: Necesito silenco para comesa.
Blackadder: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good, so let's recap. Um... if I admit that I am in love...
Torturer: No! No!
Blackadder: Sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument...
Torturer: Una balaga, una balaga.
Blackadder: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite... um... roast them over a large fire.
Torturer: Si, Si.
Blackadder: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and... and... all his... his little wizards, y-you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm mar-malade.
Torturer: Si.
Blackadder: And remove my testicles with a blunt... oh I see. Well, well, in that case, I love Satan.
Prince Ludwig: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder... I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my a-po'-lo'-gies.
Blackadder: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.
Blackadder: Get out, get out libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you, may you rot in the filth of your own fornication.
Queen Elizabeth I: And what did you say to him?
Blackadder: Nay Madame, I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out the privy window.
Queen Elizabeth I: Oh Edmund, you're so naughty!
Blackadder: Oh, I try, Madame. And ten minutes later when I get my breath back I try again.
Blackadder: Well, as you know, Madame, I've had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Ozrick.
Lord Melchett: Well, did you know something of the dreadful pain involved?
Blackadder: Indeed I do. Then I can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.
Queen Elizabeth I: Which was?
Blackadder: Get stuffed.
Blackadder: A young man equals young idiot. Look, anyone stupid enough to let so some mustachioed dego con them in a corridor, saying, 'Excuse me Meester' and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.
Blackadder: We are proud of our comic-serving wench voice, aren't we? If you can say 'Zur' instead of 'Sir, it seems at all social gatherings that tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.
Prince Ludwig: *miffed* BE QUIET!
Blackadder: What else have you got in your outstandingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glasweigan, no doubt. A hilarious black man 'See you Jimmy, where am that watty-melon'. I can't wait for your side splitting poof and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but it's such a scream. And most of all, that one you do all the time, that fatheaded German Chambrepot, standing in front of me.
Prince Ludwig: Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.
Blackadder: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.
Prince Ludwig: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.
Blackadder: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.
Prince Ludwig: Y'know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.
Blackadder: At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.
Prince Ludwig: I shall read it to you.
Blackadder: Ah, typical master criminal, loves the sound of his own voice.
Queen Elizabeth: And me, did you miss me Edmund?
Blackadder: Madam, life without you is like a broken pencil.
Queen Elizabeth: Explain...
Blackadder: Pointless.
*Blackadder sees through Ludwig's disguise at a fancy dress party and stabs him*
Queen Elizabeth: But how did you know it wasn't Nursie?
Blackadder: It was simple. You see, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad insane old woman with an udder fixation. All I had to do was kill the one who actually looked like a cow.
*Melchett and Blackadder are prisoners of the Spanish Inquisition*
Lord Melchett: Let's play a word game.
Blackadder: OK, make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.
Lord Melchett: *Blackadder and Melchett are chained in Prince Ludwig's dungeon* Will I never see England more? Her roaring fields, her swooping swallows...
Blackadder: ...And her playful sheep.
Blackadder: *to Ludwig's henchman* Yes, what is it?
*henchman hits Blackadder on the head*
Blackadder: *angry* I said, what is it, not hit me hard on the head with a...
*collapses*
Prince Ludwig: I shall return and wreak my rewengey!
Blackadder: No you won't, you will die and be buried.
*throws knife at him*
Lord Melchett: This is no time for jokes Blackadder, we've been kidnapped!
Blackadder: *remembering that he said 'only real idiots get kidnapped'* Ooooh God! How incredibly embarrassing!
Blackadder: Who the hell are you sausage breath?
Mad Prince Ludwig: You do not remember me then Blackadder?
Blackadder: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Mad Prince Ludwig: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and place a biscuit game at an old pizzel in Dover.
Blackadder: My God!
Mad Prince Ludwig: Yes! I...was the waitress!
Blackadder: I don't believe it, you, Big Sally?
Mad Prince Ludwig: makes a voice like a girl Will you have another pizza pie my lord?
Blackadder: Wait I went to bed with you didn't I?
Mad Prince Ludwig: For my country, I am ready to make any sacrifice.
Blackadder: Yes, well I'm not. That must have been paralytic!
Prince Ludwig: No, no, no! You, all of you have yet to say about my complexion. I shall return and week my rewenge.
Blackadder: You will die and be buried.
Prince Ludwig: *Edmund points a gun and shoots Ludwig* Ahhhhh.
Queen Elizabeth I: Hooray!
Blackadder: We told them that if the Queen was having a party, that Nursie always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.
Queen Elizabeth I: How could you be sure it was not Nursey?
Blackadder: Because, lady, Ludwig was a Master of Disguise. Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with a udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one who looked like the cow.
Lord Percy Percy: Welcome Edmund. Did you... miss me?
Blackadder: I certainly did. Many was a time, Percy, I say to myself, 'I wish Percy was here'...
*Percy gets sentimental*
Blackadder: ...being tortured instead of me.
Prince Ludwig: But if you gentlemen were to turn me away to, let us say, gain access to your Queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.
Blackadder: Are you suggesting we betray her?
Prince Ludwig: Oh yes.
Blackadder: Alright.
Lord Melchett: Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty, honor, self-respect?
Blackadder: What of them?
Lord Melchett: Nothing.
Blackadder: One thing, Ludwig, just before you go...
Prince Ludwig: Yes?
Blackadder: Were you ever bullied at school?
Prince Ludwig: What do you mean?
Blackadder: Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.
Prince Ludwig: Nonsense, no, no, at my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.
Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up until your final year.
Prince Ludwig: Shut up! SHUT UP! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me Shorty Greasy Spot-Spot again!
Blackadder: *Edmund has been kidnapped by the master of disguise, Prince Ludwig* I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Prince Ludwig: Oh, on ze contrary! We have met many times, alzhough you knew me by anozher name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto, with whom you used to dine and plot and play ze biscuit game, at ze Old Pizzle in Dover?
Blackadder: My God!
Prince Ludwig: Yes! I was... the waitress.
Blackadder: I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?
Prince Ludwig: *in high-pitched voice* Will you have another piece of pie, my lord?
Blackadder: But I went to bed with you, didn't I?
Prince Ludwig: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.
Blackadder: Yes, but I'm not! I must have been paralytic!
Prince Ludwig: Indeed you were... Mister Floppy!
"Blackadder II: Bells"
Season 1 Episode 1 – 1986
Blackadder: I seek information about a Wisewoman.
Young Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman... the Wisewoman.
Blackadder: Yes, the Wisewoman.
Young Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman. And second, she is...
Blackadder: Wise?
Young Crone: You do know her then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?
Young Crone: Of course.
Blackadder: Where?
Young Crone: Here. Do you have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you.
Lord Percy Percy: I'd like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me.
Lord Edmund Blackadder: Well, go to Spain; there are millions of them
Lord Edmund Blackadder: Aah, and who is Jane?
Lord Percy Percy: I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know.
*Blackadder kicks him in the gonads*
Lord Percy Percy: Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord.
Lord Edmund Blackadder: This is *the* Jane Herrington?
Lord Percy Percy: Yes.
Lord Edmund Blackadder: Jane "bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin" Herrington.
Lord Percy Percy: I... , I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.
Lord Edmund Blackadder: No... Tall, blond, elegant?
Lord Percy Percy: Right, that's right.
Lord Edmund Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague comes down?
Doctor Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?
Blackadder: Not really, no.
Doctor Leech: Bloody Hell. I would be. Still, why should I complain. Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?
Blackadder: Look, am I paying for this abuse or is it extra?
Doctor Leech: No, no, it's all part of the service.
"Blackadder the Third: Nob and Nobility"
Season Episode 1.3 - 1987
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Blackadder: I was merely pointing out that sneaking aristocrats out from under the noses of French Revolutionaries is about as difficult as putting on a hat!
Blackadder: Farewell, dear master, and - dare I say it - friend.
Prince George: Farewell, brave liberator, and - dare I say it - butler.
Blackadder: His Royal Highness, the Pinhead of Wales, summons me. I feel almost well-disposed towards him this morning. Utter chump though he may be, at least he's not French.
Blackadder: If I don't make it back, please write to my mother and tell her I've been alive all the time. It's just that I couldn't be bothered to get in touch with the old bat.
Lord Topper: *posing as the Comte de Frou Frou* Have no fear! Ze Scarlet Pimpernel will save us!
Edmund Blackadder, Esq, Butler to the Prince: Ha! Some hope. The Pimpernel is the most overrated human being since Judas Iscariot won the A.D. 31 Best Disciple Competition.
Edmund Blackadder, Esq, Butler to the Prince: Look, mate, me old mate... We're both working class; we both these rich b*stards; I mean, come on, come on, me old mucker, just, just let me go - you've got nothing against me...
Ambassador - Fearsome Revolutionary: On the contrarie! I you English with your boring trousers and your shiny toilet paper, and your ridiculous preconception that Frenchmen are great lovers...
*looks both ways, then speaks softly*
Ambassador - Fearsome Revolutionary: *I'm* French, and I'm hung like a baby carrot and a couple of petit-pois.
Sod-Off Baldrick, A Dogsbody: Well, how are we going to win your bet?
Edmund Blackadder, Esq, Butler to the Prince: As usual, Baldrick: by the use of the large thing between my ears.
Sod-Off Baldrick, A Dogsbody: Oh, your nose...
"Blackadder the Third: Sense and Senility"
Season 1 Episode 4 - 1987
Keanrick: Why, your very posture tells me, "Here is a man of true greatness."
Blackadder: Either that or "Here are my genitals, please kick them."
Baldrick: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.
Blackadder: Really?
Baldrick: Yeah, it was called Macbeth.
Blackadder: And what did he play?
Baldrick: Second codpiece. Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.
Blackadder: So he was a stunt codpiece. Did he have a large part?
Baldrick: Depends who's playing Macbeth.
Prince George: I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave. Why would an anarchist possibly want to kill you?
Blackadder: Actually, I think it's you he was trying to kill, sir.
Prince George: Oh hogwash. How could you possibly think that?
Blackadder: Well my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words "death to the stupid prince".
Blackadder: They do say, Mrs Miggins, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.
Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.
Blackadder: Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
Mossop: How dare you, sir. You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone.
Blackadder: I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
Blackadder: Disease and deprivation stalk our land like... two giant stalking things.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest and friendly companionship.
Baldrick: Aaahh, thank you Mr. B.
Blackadder: But as we both know, it'll be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, "Sod off," and if I ever meet you again, it'll be twenty billion years too soon.
Baldrick: Goodbye, you lazy big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard.
Blackadder: I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating those badly chosen words. I wouldn't bet you a single groat that you can survive five minutes here without me.
Baldrick: Oh come on, Mr. B., it's not as though we're gonna get murdered or anything the minute you leave, is it?
Blackadder: Hope springs eternal, Baldrick.
*explaining to the prince why the "oppressed masses" are so worked up*
Blackadder: They are worked up, sir, because they are so poor that they are forced to have children as a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas.
Baldrick: You look smart, Mr Blackadder. Going somewhere nice?
Blackadder: NO, I'm off to the theatre.
Baldrick: Don't you like it then?
Blackadder: No I don't... And the worst things about it is having to go wiht Prince Mini-Brain!
Baldrick: Doesn't he like it either?
Blackadder: No. He loves it. The problem is he doesn't realise it's made up.
Blackadder: While I'm out Baldrick, I want you to clean this palace from top to bottom. I want this table so clean I could eat my dinner off it.
*Blackadder and the Price are going to the theater*
Blackadder: Last year when we went to see 'Julius Caesar', just as Brutus was about to stab Caesar the Prince cried out, "Look behind you, Mr. Caesar!"
Anarchist: Right, everybody out! Smash the Spinning Jenny! Burn the Rolling Rosalind! Destroy the Going-up-and-down-a-bit-and-then-moving-along Gertrude! And death to the stupid Prince who grows fat on the profits!
*he tosses a lit bomb to the Prince*
Prince George: I say, how exciting! This play's getting better and better! Bravo! Bravo!
Blackadder: It's not a play anymore, sir. Put the bomb down and make your way quietly to the exit.
Prince George: Blackadder, you old thing, your problem is you can't tell when something's real and when it's not!
*the bomb explodes*
Blackadder: The criminal's vanity always makes them make one tiny but fatal mistake. Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy printed and published in plain manuscript.
Blackadder: Ah yes, of course. Julius Caeser. Not Macbeth.
Blackadder: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover when I stick this toasting fork through your head.
Prince George: Are you sure we can trust these actor fellow, Blackadder? Last time we went to the theater a couple of them murdered Julius Caesar, *and* one of them was his best friend Brutus!
Blackadder: As I have told you about eight times, that wasn't Julius Caesar. It was an actor called Kemp.
Prince George: Really?
Blackadder: Yes?
Prince George: Blow me! Well, Brutus must have been pretty miffed when he found out!
Blackadder: What?
Prince George: That he hadn't actually killed Caesar, just some poxy actor called Kemp! Do you think he went round to Caesar's place after the play and killed him then?
Mossop: ...lest you continue in your quotations and mention the name of the "Scottish Play".
Keanrick: Oh-ho... never fear, I shan't do that.
Blackadder: By the "Scottish Play", I assume you mean *Macbeth*.
Mossop, Keanrick: Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Aaahh.
Blackadder: What was that?
Keanrick: We were exorcising evil spirits. Being but a mere butler, you will not know the great theatre tradition that one does *never* speak the name of the "Scottish Play".
Blackadder: What, *Macbeth*?
Mossop, Keanrick: Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Ohhh.
Blackadder: Good lord, you mean you have to do *that* every time I say *Macbeth*?
Mossop, Keanrick: Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwww.
Mossop: Will you please stop saying *that*. Always call it the "Scottish Play".
Blackadder: So you want me to say the "Scottish Play"?
Mossop, Keanrick: *shout* Yes.
Blackadder: Rather than *Macbeth*?
Mossop, Keanrick: Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwwwww.
Prince George: For heaven's sake, what is all this hullabaloo, all this shouting and screaming and yelling blue murder? Why... it's like that play we saw the other day, what was it called... umm...
Blackadder: *Macbeth*, sir?
Mossop, Keanrick: Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwwwww.
Prince George: No, no, it was called Julius Caesar.
Blackadder: Ah, yes, of course. Julius Caesar... not *Macbeth*.
Mossop, Keanrick: Aahhhhh. Hot potato, off his drawers, Puck will make amends. Owwwwww.
Prince George: *shouting from upstairs* C'mon Blackadder or we'll miss the first act!
Blackadder: *shouts up* Coming sir, as fast as my legs will carry me!
Blackadder: *sitting in his chair* Stick the kettle on Balders.
"Blackadder the Third: Ink and Incapability"
Season 1 Episode 2 - 1987
Blackadder: Oh, I'm sorry sir. I'm inuspeptic, frasmotic, even compunctious to have caused you such pericumbobulations.
*Baldrick has accidentally burnt Dr. Johnson's dictionary*
Blackadder: Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, where I intend to live as a goat.
Blackadder: We are going to Mrs. Miggins' Coffee Shop, we are going to find out where Dr. Johnson keeps a copy of his dictionary, and YOU are going to steal it.
Baldrick: Me?
Blackadder: Yes, you.
Baldrick: Why me?
Blackadder: Because you burnt it, Baldrick.
Baldrick: But then I will go to Hell forever for stealing.
Blackadder: Believe me, Baldrick, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me... and this pencil.
Dr. Samuel Johnson: *places two manuscripts on the table, but picks up the top one* Here it is, sir. The very cornerstone of English scholarship. This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language.
Blackadder: Every single one, sir?
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Every single word, sir!
Blackadder: Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafribularities.
Dr. Samuel Johnson: What?
Blackadder: "Contrafribularites", sir? It is a common word down our way.
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Damn!
*writes in the book*
Blackadder: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anispeptic, frasmotic, even compunctuous to have caused you such pericombobulation.
*about the dictionary*
Blackadder: No, sir, it is not. It's the most pointless book since How To Learn French was translated into French.
Prince George: You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you Blackadder?
Blackadder: Good Lord, sir, not at all. In fact, I had never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.
Prince George: But you do think he's a genius...?
Blackadder: No, sir, I do not. Unless, of course, the definition of "genius" in his ridiculous Dictionary is "a fat dullard or wobblebottom; a pompous ass with sweatly dewflaps".
Prince George: Ha. close shave there, then. Lucky you warned me. I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.
Blackadder: I'm delighted to have been instrumental of keeping your bosom free of arses, sir.
*referring to Dr. Johnson's dictionary*
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick. Where's the manuscript?
Baldrick: You mean the big papery thing tied up with string?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. The manuscript belonging to Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick: You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. Dr. Johnson.
Baldrick: So, you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat who just left is?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick. I am. And if you don't answer, then the booted bony thing with five toes at the end of my leg will soon connect sharply with soft, dangly collection of objects in your trousers. Now for the last time, Baldrick, where is Dr. Johnson's manuscript?
Baldrick: On the fire.
Blackadder: On the *what*?
Baldrick: The hot, orangy thing under the stony mantelpiece.
Prince George: *reading* "Medium-sized insectivore with protruding nasal implement." Doesn't sound much like a bee to me!
Blackadder: It's an aardvark your highness, can't you see that? It's a bloody aardvark!
Blackadder: *describing a novel he's written* Edmund. A Butler's Tale. A huge, roller coaster of a novel in four hundred sizzling chapters. A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the eighteenth century, with some hot gypsies thrown in.
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what 'irony' is?
Baldrick: Yeah, it's like 'goldy' and 'bronzy’, only it's made of iron.
Prince George: Ah, Dr. Johnson, damn cold day!
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Indeed it is sir - but a very fine one, for I celebrated last night the encyclopedic implementation of my pre-meditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon.
Prince George: Nope - didn't catch any of that.
Dr. Samuel Johnson: Well, I simply observed, sir, that I'm felicitous since during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn, I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation of the vocabluary of our post-Norman tongue.
Prince George: Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds damn saucy, you lucky thing! I know some fairly liberal-minded girls, but I've never penultimated any of them in a solar sojourn, or for that matter, been given any Norman tongue.
Blackadder: I believe, sir, that the Doctor is trying to tell you that he is happy because he has finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years.
Prince George: Well, I'm a slow reader myself.
Prince George: Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey.
Blackadder: Oh, an absurd suggestion sir, unless it was a particularly stupid donkey.
Blackadder: Baldrick, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, the worst and most contemptible plan in the history of the universe.
Prince George: *wakes up agitated* Oh, Blackadder. Blackadder!
Blackadder: You called sir?
Prince George: Wha- wha- what time is it?
Blackadder: Three o'clock in the afternoon, your highness.
Prince George: Oh, thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept.
Samuel Johnson: Not only have you impeculiated my dictionary, you have also lost the chance to act as patron to the only book in the world that is even better!
Blackadder: Oh. And what is that, sir? "Dictionary 2: The Return of the Killer Dictionary"?
Blackadder: Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat, would you? Two slices of bread with something in between.
Baldrick: What, like Gerald Lord Sandwich had the other day?
Blackadder: Yes, a few rounds of geralds.
Blackadder: *rewriting the dictionary* Baldrick, what have you done?
Baldrick: I've done "C" and "D."
Blackadder: Right. Let's have it, then.
Baldrick: Right. "Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in."
Blackadder: What's that?
Baldrick: "C."
Blackadder: Yes. Tiny misunderstanding. Still, my hopes weren't high. Oh, and "D?"
Baldrick: I'm quite pleased with "dog."
Blackadder: Yes, and your definition of "dog" is?
Baldrick: "Not a cat."
"Blackadder the Third: Amy and Amiability"
Season 1 Episode 5 - 1987
*trying to find a bride for the Prince*
Blackadder: Of the 262 princesses in Europe, 165 are over 80 - they're out - 47 are under 10 - they're out - and 39 are mad.
Baldrick: They sound ideal.
Blackadder: They would be if they hadn't all got married last week in Munich to the same horse.
Blackadder: She is famous for having the worst personality in Germany and, as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.
Blackadder: Mrs. M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.
Blackadder: Sir. I come as emissary of his highness the Prince of Wales with the most splendid of news. He wants your lovely daughter for his wife.
Josiah Hardwood: *disgusted* Well his wife can't have her. It's outrageous that you should come here with such a suggestion.
*Rising angrily*
Josiah Hardwood: Mind sir or I shall take off my belt and by thunder, me trousers will fall down.
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what "irony" is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like "goldy" and "bronzy" only it's made out of iron.
Blackadder: Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?
Baldrick: No, but I've often thought I'd like to.
Blackadder: Well don't. It's a ghastly place. Huge gangs of tough, sinewy men roam the Valleys, terrorizing people with their close-harmony singing. You need half a pint of phlegm in your throat just to pronounce the place names. Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick. You'll be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.
Blackadder: If I want to get rich quick, all I have to do is go upstairs and ask Princes Fathead for a rise.
*Bell Rings*
Blackadder: Oh... Bank's open.
Sally Cheapside: Honestly Papa. Ever since mother died you've tried to stop me growing up. I'm not a little , I'm a grown woman. In fact I might as well tell you now Papa: I'm pregnant, and I'm an opium fiend, and I'm in love with a poet named Shelley who's a famous whoopsy, and Mother didn't die, I killed her!
The Duke of Cheapside: Oh
*Cheerily*
The Duke of Cheapside: well, never mind.
Blackadder: *Off screen* Stand and Deliver!
*the coach starts to pull up*
The Duke of Cheapside: Oh no! Oh no no no no no, disaster! It's the shadow. We're doomed, doomed!
Blackadder: *Draws up outside the carriage window* Ah good evening Duke, and the lovely Miss Cheapside. Your cash bags please.
*the Duke hands him a bag of money*
Blackadder: There we are.
The Duke of Cheapside: You'll never get away with this, you scoundrel, you'll be caught and damn well hung!
Sally Cheapside: *to camera* I think he looks pretty well...
Blackadder: Madam, please no jests about me looking pretty well hung already, we have no time.
Sally Cheapside: Pity.
Blackadder: Well go out into the street and hire me a horse.
Baldrick: Hire you a horse? For ninepence? On Jewish New Year in the rain? A bare fortnight after the dreaded horse plague of Old London Town? With the blacksmith's strike in its 15th week and the Dorset Horse Fetishist's Fair tomorrow?
Blackadder: If you can't make money you'll have to marry it.
Prince George: Marry? Never! I'm a gay bachelor, Blackadder. I'm a roarer, a rogerer, a gorger, and a puker. I can't marry. I'm young, I'm firm buttocked, I'm, I'm...
Blackadder: Broke.
Prince George: Well, yes, I suppose.
Blackadder: And don't forget, sir, that the modern church smiles on roaring and gorging within wedlock. And indeed rogering is keenly encouraged.
Prince George: And the puking?
Blackadder: I believe it is still very much down to the conscious of the individual church-goer.
*Blackadder is about to leave for the West Indies*
Baldrick: I still can't believe you're leaving me behind.
Blackadder: Oh don't you worry. When we're established on our plantation in Barbados I'll send for you. No more sad little London for you Balders. From now on you will stand out in life as an individual.
Baldrick: Will I?
Blackadder: Indeed. All the other slaves will be black.
Blackadder: Oh, God. What a way to die. Shot by a transvestite on a unrealistic grassy knoll.
Prince George: Right, so what's the plan?
Blackadder: Well I thought I could take her a short note, expressing your honourable intentions.
Prince George: Yes, yes. I think so too. Alright then, well take this down; From His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales to Miss Amy Hardwood:
Prince George: Tally ho, my fine saucy young trollop! Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now until Christmas, you lucky tart! Yours, with the deepest respect etc. Signed, George. P.S. Woof, woof!
Prince George: Well, what do you think?
Blackadder: It's very moving sir. Would you mind if I changed just one tiny aspect of it?
Prince George: Which one?
Blackadder: The words.
Prince George: Oh yes, I'll leave the details to you, Blackadder. Just make sure she knows I'm all man, with a bit of animal thrown in! Rawr!
Blackadder: Certainly sir.
Blackadder: Bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. What have I got to show for it? Nothing. A butler's uniform and a slightly effeminate hairdo. Sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I turn I still have an enormous bill in front of me.
Baldrick: *referring to Caroline of Brunswick* And what's wrong with her?
Blackadder: *rises, suddenly shouting, pretending to be Caroline of Brunswick* Get more coffee! It's horrid, change it! Take me roughly from behind! No, not like that, like this! Trousers off, tackle out! Walk the dog! Where's my present?
Baldrick: *very shaken by this outburst* All right! Which one do you want me to do first?
"Blackadder the Third: Dish and Dishonesty"
Season 1 Episode 1 - 1987
Prince George: I say, Blackadder, are you sure this is the PM? Seems more like an oily tick to me. When I was at school, we used to line up four or five of his sort, make 'em bend over, and use 'em as a toast rack.
Pitt the Younger: It doesn't surprise me, sir, I know your sort. Once, it was I who stood in the big, cold schoolroom, a hot crumpet burning my cheeks with shame. Since that day, I have been busy every hour God sent, working to become Prime Minister and fight sloth and privilege wherever I found it.
Blackadder: *Casually* I trust you weren't too busy to remove the crumpet.
Blackadder: Dunny-on-the-Wold is a tuppenny- ha'penny place. Half an acre of sodden marshland in the Suffolk Fens with an empty town hall on it. Population: three rather mangy cows, a dachshund named Colin, and a small hen in its late forties.
Blackadder: *bashing Baldrick's head against the table* Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick, or you're dead my Lord.
Blackadder: *Whacks Baldrick's head against the table again* Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.
Baldrick: I haven't got it.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: I spent it.
Blackadder: You spent it? What could you possibly spend £400 000 on?
*Blackadder notices the massive turnip on the table*
Blackadder: Oh, no... oh God, don't tell me.
Baldrick: My dream turnip.
Blackadder: Baldrick, how did you manage to find a turnip that cost £400 000?
Baldrick: Well, I had to haggle.
*Blackadder slams the turnip over Baldricks head*
Blackadder: This is the worst moment of my entire life. I've spent my last penny on a cat-skin windcheater, I've just broken a priceless turnip...
*there is a knock at the door followed by shouting*
Blackadder: ...and now I'm about to be viciously slaughtered by a naked Tunisian sock merchant. Well, all I can say, Baldrick, is that's the last time I dabble in politics
Blackadder: *plotting to gain Sir Talbot's support in Parliament* If we're going to get him to support us, he will need some sort of incentive.
Prince George: Hmm, anything in mind?
Blackadder: Well, you could appoint him a high court judge.
Prince George: Is he qualified?
Blackadder: He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool.
Prince George: Sounds a bit over-qualified! Get him here at once!
Blackadder: Certainly, sire. I will return before you can say 'antidisestablishmentarianism.'
Prince George: Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that! Antidistibilitsmin... anti-misty-linstimbl...
title card: Two Days Later
Prince George: Anti-distinctly-minty-muntanism... anti...
*Blackadder enters*
Blackadder: Sir Talbot Buxomly!
Pitt the Younger: I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you.
Blackadder: And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the glint in the milkman's eye?
Blackadder: *Baldrick is applying for Parliament* Minimum bribe level?
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, wait - I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Vincent Hanna: Well can you at least tell me one thing. What does the 'S' in his name stand for?
Blackadder: Sod off.
Vincent Hanna: Well. I guess it's none of my business really.
Blackadder: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.
Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name: Baldrick. First name...?
Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.
Blackadder: Well, you must have some idea...
Baldrick: Well, it might be Sod off.
Blackadder: What?
Baldrick: Well, when I used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes, "Hello, my name's Baldrick," and they'd say, "Yes, we know. Sod off, Baldrick."
Blackadder: All right, right right right right, Mr. S. Baldrick. Now; distinguishing features... None.
Baldrick: Well, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.
Blackadder: That's your nose, Baldrick. Now; any history of insanity in the family? Tell you what, I'll cross out the in. Any history of *sanity* in the family? None whatsoever. Now then; criminal record...
Baldrick: Absolutely not.
Blackadder: Oh, come on, Baldrick, you're going to be an MP, for God's sake! I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy. Now; minimum bribe level...
Baldrick: One turnip. Oh, hang on, I don't want to price myself out of the market.
Blackadder: Baldrick, I've always been meaning to ask: Do you have any ambitions in life apart from the acquisition of turnips?
Baldrick: Er, no.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a thousand pounds?
Baldrick: I'd get a little turnip of my own.
Blackadder: So what would you do if I gave you a million pounds?
Baldrick: Oh, that's different. I'd get a great big turnip in the country.
Blackadder: *someone knocks at the door* Oh God, I'll get that. Here
*pushes paper to Baldrick*
Blackadder: , sign here.
*motions where with his hand; Baldrick marks an 'X' on Edmund's palm; Edmund presses his palm against the application*
Blackadder: *Pitt the Younger enters* Oh, good, it's the Lord Privy Toast Rack.
Blackadder: *enters in a lords gown* My lord.
Prince George: My Lords.
Blackadder: Pardon, sir?
Prince George: My Lords. There is more than one lord in the vicinity. Will you please welcome his Grace, the Lord Baldrick.
*Baldrick enters in his lordly regalia*
Blackadder: You made BALDRICK a Lord?
Prince George: Well, yes. One who has recently done sterling service, matching the political machinations of the evil Pitt. Good old Lord Baldrick!
Baldrick: It's all right Blackadder, you don't have to curtsey or anything.
Blackadder: Sir, might I let loose a short violent exclamation?
Prince George: Certainly.
Blackadder: *Blackadder moves discreetly sideways, then shouts* DAMN!
Prince George: I say, that's a bit of a strange get up, isn't it Blackadder?
Blackadder: No sir, I'm just off to a fancy dress party. I'm going as Lady Hamilton's pussy.
*he walks towards the door, stops and turns*
Blackadder: There is one little question, sir. About the £400 000 to influence the lords...
Prince George: Ah, yes. I gave that to Lord Baldrick.
Blackadder: *Looking pleased* Ahh! Sir, might I be permitted to take Lord Baldrick downstairs to his some instruction in his lordly duties?
Prince George: I think that's a splendid idea.
Blackadder: *to Baldrick* This way, my Lord.
*Leaves with cloak raised, dracula-esque*
"Blackadder the Third: Duel and Duality"
Season 1 Episode 6 - 1987
Blackadder: He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's "Mr. Madman" competition.
Blackadder: I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me. I want songs sung about me. And then hundreds of years from now I want episodes of my life to be played out weekly at half past nine by some great heroic actor of the age.
Baldrick: Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.
Blackadder: Quite.
Blackadder: When will the killing end?
Wellington: You don't think I too dream of peace? You don't think I too yearn to end this damned dirty job we call soldiering?
Blackadder: Frankly, No.
Prince George: Please please. You've got to help me. I don't want to die. I've got so much to give. I want more time.
Blackadder: A poignant plea sir. Enough to melt the stoniest of hearts. But the answer, I'm afraid, must remain: "You're going to die, fat pig."
Prince George: Oh, wait, wait, wait. I'll give you everything.
Blackadder: Everything?
Prince George: Everything.
Blackadder: The money, the castles, the jewelry?
Prince George: Yes.
Blackadder: The highly artistic but also highly illegal set of French lithographs?
Prince George: Everything.
Blackadder: The amusing clock where the little man comes out and drops his trousers every half hour?
Prince George: Yes, yes, all right.
Blackadder: Very well, I accept. A man may fight for many things: his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on.
Prince George: Hurrah!
Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?
*in reference to McAdder, Blackadder's Scottish cousin*
Baldrick: He's the spitting image of you.
Blackadder: No, he's not! We're about as similar as two completely dis-similar things in a pod.
Blackadder: Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more.
Prince George: *the Prince has been shot* I die! I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country.
Blackadder: I think that's pretty unlikely, sir. If I were you, I'd try for something a bit more realistic.
Prince George: Like what?
Blackadder: Ah, you hope that men will think of you as a bit of a thicky?
Prince George: All right, I'll hope that.
Baldrick: Well my cousin Bert Baldrick, Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, says that he's heard that all portraits look the same these days, 'cause they're painted to a romantic ideal rather than as a true depiction of the idiosycratic facial qualities of the person in question.
Blackadder: *impressed* Your cousin Bert obviously has a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick.
Blackadder: Ah, Mrs. Miggins. Am I to gather from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion and the globules of porridge hanging off the walls that my cousin McAdder has presented his credentials?
Blackadder: One point, sir. I should, perhaps, warn you that while duelling I tend to put on my lucky wig and regimental accent.
Wellington: That won't help you. It would take a homicidal maniac in a claymore and a kilt to get the better of me!
Blackadder: Well that's handy.
Mad McAdder, Cousin of Edmund Blackadder, Esq: I hear you have a cunning plan.
Blackadder: I do, I do. I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel.
Mad McAdder, Cousin of Edmund Blackadder, Esq: Aye, and what's in it for me?
Blackadder: Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides. What do you think?
Mad McAdder, Cousin of Edmund Blackadder, Esq: Fourteen shillings and six-pence? Well, it's tempting. But I've got an even better plan. Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel? Then I could kill the King and be crowned with the ancient stone bonnet of McAdder.
Blackadder: Look, for God's sake, McAdder, you're not Rob Roy. You're a top kipper salesman with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers. Don't throw it all away. If you kill the Prince they'll just send the bailiffs round and arrest you.
Prince George: Perhaps this disgusting fellow is some sort of blessing in disguise.
Blackadder: If he is, it's a very good disguise.
Prince George: After all, did the Lord not send Moses a lowly earthworm to comfort him in his torment?
Blackadder: Nope.
Prince George: Well, it's the sort of thing he might have done.
Prince George: It's like that story. "The Prince and the Porpoise."
Blackadder: "and the Pauper," sir.
Prince George: Ah yes. "The Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper."
Prince George: Ah, Blackadder! Notice anything unusual?
Blackadder: Yes sir. It's 11:30 in the morning and you're moving about. Is the bed on fire?
Blackadder: I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further than professional idiocy in West London.
Blackadder: Don't even try to work it out Baldrick. Two people you know well have exchanged coats and now you don't know which is which.
Blackadder: *reading from a letter* Sir, prince or pauper, when a man soils a Wellington, he puts his foot in it. This is not a joke. I do not find my name remotely funny and people who do end up dead.
"Blackadder Goes Forth: Captain Cook"
Season 1 Episode 1 - 1989
Captain Blackadder: I can't believe I've been so stupid.
Private Baldrick: Yeah, that is strange cause normally, I'm the stupid one.
Captain Blackadder: I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
*First lines*
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing out there?
Private Baldrick: I'm carving something on a bullet, sir.
Captain Blackadder: What are you craving?
Private Baldrick: I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.
Captain Blackadder: Why?
Private Baldrick: It's part of a cunning plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Of course it is.
Private Baldrick: You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?
Captain Blackadder: Yes?
Private Baldrick: Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it. Cause I'll never shoot myself...
Captain Blackadder: Oh, shame!
Private Baldrick: And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, it's not the only thing that is "very small indeed". Your brain for example- is brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.
Private Baldrick: You know my dad was a nun.
Captain Blackadder: No he wasn't.
Private Baldrick: He was too, sir. Cause whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none".
Lieutenant George: Tally-ho pip-pip and Bernard's your uncle.
Captain Blackadder: In English we say, "Good Morning."
Lieutenant George: Look what I got for you sir.
Captain Blackadder: What?
Lieutenant George: It's the latest issue of "King & Country". Oh, damn inspiring stuff; the magazine that tells the Tommies the truth about the war.
Captain Blackadder: Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French marriage service.
Lieutenant George: Come, come, sir, now. You can't deny that this fine newspaper is good for the morale of the men.
Captain Blackadder: Certainly not, I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet-paper.
Captain Blackadder: Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant George: It's a good old service revolver.
Captain Blackadder: Wrong. It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.
Lieutenant George: That's funny sir, because we didn't order those new trench-climbing ladders either.
Captain Blackadder: New ladders?
Lieutenant George: Yes, came yesterday. I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled.
*calls to Baldrick*
Lieutenant George: Isn't that right men?
Private Baldrick: Yes sir, first solid fuel we've had since we burned the cat.
Lieutenant George: Great Scott sir, you mean, you mean the moment's finally arrived for us to give Harry Hun a darned good British style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?
Captain Blackadder: If you mean, "Are we all going to get killed?" Yes. Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
Private Baldrick: Rat au Van, Sir.
Captain Blackadder: Rat au Van, Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: Yes Sir, it's Rat that's been
Captain Blackadder, Private Baldrick: Run over by a van.
Private Baldrick: Yes Baldrick.
General Melchett: Are you looking forward to the big push?
Private Baldrick: No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.
General Melchett: The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.
Captain Blackadder: About thirty-five miles behind you.
Lieutenant George: Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Captain Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
*on the new plan to win the war*
General Melchett: There is, however, one small problem.
Captain Blackadder: That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds?
General Melchett: That's right. And Field Marshall Haig is worried that this may be depressing the men a tadge. So, he's looking to find a way to cheer them up.
Captain Blackadder: Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious suggestion.
General Melchett: Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling.
*George is asked why he didn't reveal his ability at painting before*
Lieutenant George: I don't like blowing my own trumpet.
Captain Blackadder: You might at least told us you had a trumpet.
General Melchett: *to Baldrick* Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka?
Captain Blackadder: Permission to speak.
*Baldrick is silent*
Captain Blackadder: Answer the General, Baldrick!
Private Baldrick: *whispers* I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.
Captain Blackadder: What amazes me, Baldrick, is how you managed to get so much custard out of such a small cat.
Captain Blackadder: I, on the other hand, am a fully rounded human being with a degree from the university of life, a diploma from the school of hard knocks, and three gold stars from the kindergarten of getting the shit kicked out of me.
"Blackadder Goes Forth: Goodbyeee"
Season 1 Episode 6 - 1989
Captain Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
Private Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Captain Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?
Captain Blackadder: *whistle blows* Good luck, everyone.
Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Captain Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
Lieutenant George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.
Captain Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganiki. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.
Lieutenant George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not.
*aside, to Baldrick*
Lieutenant George: Mad as a bicycle!
Private Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.
Captain Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Private Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.
Lieutenant George: By Gum, this is interesting. I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.
Captain Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Private Baldrick: But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Captain Blackadder: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
Private Baldrick: What was that, sir?
Captain Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Private Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing then.
*discussing how the war began*
Private Baldrick: I heard it started when some fella called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cos he was hungry.
Captain Blackadder: I think you mean that it started when the Arch Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot.
Private Baldrick: No, there was definitely an ostrich involved.
Lieutenant George: Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.
Captain Blackadder: What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?
Lieutenant George: Captain Darling said they'd be along directly, but, well, you'd better be damn doolally.
Captain Blackadder: Don't worry, George; I am. When they get here, I'll show them what 'totally and utterly bonkeroonie' means. Fwaf! Until then, we've got bugger-all to do except sit and wait.
Lieutenant George: Well, I don't know, sir - we could, er, we could have a jolly game of charades!
Private Baldrick: Ooh, yes!
Lieutenant George: And a singalong of musical hits like "Birmingham Bertie" and "Whoops, Mrs Miggins, You're Sitting On My Artichokes."
Captain Blackadder: Yes, I think bugger-all might rather be more fun.
Private Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir...
Captain Blackadder: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.
Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Captain Blackadder: Do you mean, "how did the war start?"
*Baldrick thinks for a moment*
Private Baldrick: Yeah!
Captain Blackadder: Millions have died, but our troops have advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.
Lieutenant George: Oh, dash and blast all this hanging about, sir! I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol. When are we going to see some action?
Captain Blackadder: Well, George, I strongly suspect that your long wait for certain death is nearly at an end. Surely you must have noticed something in the air...
Lieutenant George: Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.
*Phone rings Edmund answers it*
Captain Blackadder: Hello; the Somme Public Baths - no running, shouting, or piddling in the shallow end. Ah, Captain Darling.
*pause*
Captain Blackadder: Tomorrow at dawn. Oh, excellent. See you later, then. Bye.
*Hangs up. To George and Baldrick*
Captain Blackadder: Gentlemen, our long wait is nearly at an end. Tomorrow morning, General Insanity Melchett invites you to a mass slaughter. We're going over the top.
Lieutenant George: You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.
Private Baldrick: Don't worry, Lieutenant; I'll come visit you.
Lieutenant George: Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.
Captain Blackadder: What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?
Captain Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war two great super-armies developed. Us, the Russians and the French on one side, Germany and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea being that each army would act as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.
Private Baldrick: Except, this is sort of a war, isn't it?
Captain Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.
Lieutenant George: O, what was that?
Captain Blackadder: It was bollocks.
Captain Blackadder: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.
Captain Blackadder: *last lines*
Captain Blackadder: *Before going over the top* Good luck, everyone.
Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?
Captain Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start?"
Private Baldrick: Yeah.
Captain Blackadder: *upon realizing there is no way he can avoid going over the top* I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell".
Private Baldrick: *re: the 1914 Christmas truce* Remember the football match?
Captain Blackadder: Remember it - how could I forget it - I was *never* offside! I could not *believe* that decision.
"Blackadder Goes Forth: Major Star"
Season 1 Episode 3 - 1989
Bob Parkhurst: I want to see how a war is fought, so badly.
Captain Blackadder: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
Captain Blackadder: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
*after Baldrick's Charlie Chaplin impersonation*
Captain Blackadder: Yes... take down a telegram, Bob. To Mr. Charlie Chaplin, Sennet Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have found only person in world less funny than you stop. Name Baldrick stop. Signed E. Blackadder stop. Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please stop.
Captain Blackadder: For us, the Great War is finito, a war which would be a damn sight simpler if we just stayed in England and shot fifty thousand of our men a week.
Bob Parkhurst: I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Oh really?
Bob Parkhurst: I'll do anything, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, I'd keep that to yourself if I was you.
Lieutenant George: You a bit cheesed off sir?
Captain Blackadder: George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I had finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars, and at this late stage I am in a cab with two lady companions on my way to the Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
Captain Blackadder: *to Bob Parkhurst* Your disguise is as convincing as a giraffe wearing dark sunglasses trying to get into a polar bear's only golf club.
Captain Blackadder: That is the worst idea in the history of entertainment since Abraham Lincoln said, "I'm sick of kicking around the house all day, let's go take in a show."
*the Russian Revolution has hit the trenches*
Private Baldrick: Sir, sir it's all over the trenches!
Captain Blackadder: Well, mop it up then.
Captain Blackadder: *to George* If I should die, think only this of me, 'I'll be back to get you!
Private Baldrick: *Blackadder has kicked Baldrick* You mustn't do that to me, sir, 'cause that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir!
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: Haven't you smelt it, sir? There's something afoot in the wind! The huddled masses, yearning to be free!
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, have you been in the diesel oil again?
Private Baldrick: No sir, I've been supping the milk of freedom! Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution. And here too, sir, the huddled wossnames - such as myself, sir - are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you and the lieutenant! Present company excepted, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Go and clean out the latrines.
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir! Right away, sir!
Private Baldrick: They've already taken down Nicholas II, who used to be bizarre!
Captain Blackadder: That's 'the tsar.'
Captain Blackadder: Good thing the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him.
*George makes a smug face*
Captain Blackadder: He did? Well, how did he take it when you turned him down?
Lieutenant George: Well, to be honest, sir, I'm not completely certain that I did.
Captain Blackadder: WHAT? You said YES?
Lieutenant George: Well, sir, I didn't feel that I could refuse. I mean, he might have me court martialled!
Captain Blackadder: Where as he's going to give you the Victoria Cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night, and finds himself looking at the blast turkey in the shop!
"Blackadder Goes Forth: General Hospital"
Season 1 Episode 5 - 1989
*Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans*
General Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
General Melchett: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Captain Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir?
General Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan.
Captain Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?
General Melchett: Great Scott! Even you know it!
Captain Blackadder: *sees Darling in the hospital* Darling, what are you doing here?
Captain Darling: Bullet in the foot.
Captain Blackadder: I can understand people at the front lines shooting themselves but you're 30 miles behind the trenches.
Captain Darling: I didn't do it, the general did it.
Captain Blackadder: Got tired of you already has he?
Captain Darling: He wasn't aiming at my foot.
Captain Blackadder: Oh so he was going for your head.
Captain Darling: He wasn't aiming at anything.
Captain Blackadder: So he was aiming for between your legs.
*Blackadder is interrogating Captain Darling who is suspected of being a German spy*
Captain Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Captain Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half German, and you married a German!
*Blackadder thinks Nurse Mary is a German spy*
Captain Blackadder: And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned a clever boyfriend...
Nurse Mary: Yes.
Captain Blackadder: I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities, Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.
Nurse Mary: Well?
Captain Blackadder: You failed to spot that only two of those are great Universities.
Nurse Mary: Swine!
General Melchett: That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!
Captain Blackadder: So in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert?
Captain Darling: I'm only doing my job, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder: Well, how lucky you are then that your job is also your hobby.
*after his interrogation*
Captain Darling: You'll regret this Blackadder. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.
Captain Blackadder: Please, Darling. There are ladies present.
Nurse Mary: When this war is over, do you think we might get to know each other a little better?
Captain Blackadder: Yes, why not? When this madness has finished, perhaps we could go cycling together. Take a trip down to the old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods.
Nurse Mary: Yes. Or we could just do it right now on the desk.
Captain Blackadder: Yeah, OK.
General Melchett: Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
Captain Blackadder: Well, perhaps a little.
General Melchett: Well, then, damn it all! What more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court martial offense!
Captain Blackadder: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
General Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! 'Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!
General Melchett: Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose.
Captain Blackadder: *protesting* Sir, your moustache is lovely...
Nurse Mary: *in bed together, Nurse Mary is asking Blackadder whether he has a girl back home in England* And no casual girlfriends?
Captain Blackadder: Skirt? Ha! If only. When I joined up we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt you shot him and nicked his country.
Captain Blackadder: Can anyone tell me what's going on?
Captain Darling: Security, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder: Security?
General Melchett: Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't.
Captain Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T".
Private Baldrick: Breakfast.
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, then a egg with some little soldiers.
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter.
Private Baldrick: Nah - it never begins with a letter. The postman don't come till 10.30.
Captain Blackadder: I can't go on with this. George, take over.
Lieutenant George: All right, sir. Umm... I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R"
Private Baldrick: Army.
Captain Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick. Army starts with an "A". He's looking for something that starts with an "R". Rrrrrrr.
Private Baldrick: Motorbike
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: Well, a motorbike starts with an rrrrm rrrrm rrrrm.
Captain Blackadder: Right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends in "Ow"?
Private Baldrick: I don't know.
Captain Blackadder: Come here.
Private Baldrick: *Blackadder punches Baldrick in the face* Ow!
"Blackadder Goes Forth: Private Plane"
Season 1 Episode 4 - 1989
Captain Blackadder: Unfortunately most of the infantry think you're a prat. Ask them who they'd rather meet, Squadron Commander Flasheart or the man who cleans out the public toilets in Aberdeen, and they'd go for Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop every time.
*Flashheart punches Blackaddder in the face*
Lord Flasheart: All right men, let's do-oo-oo it! The first thing to remember is: always treat your kite
*Flashheart taps the picture of the Sopwith Camel with his stick*
Lord Flasheart: like you treat your woman!
*Flashheart whips the air with his cane*
Lieutenant George: How, how do you mean, Sir? Do you mean, do you mean take her home at weekends to meet your mother?
Lord Flasheart: No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back.
Captain Blackadder: I'm beginning to see why the suffragette movement want the vote.
Lord Flasheart: Hey! Any girl who wants to chain herself to *my* railings and suffer a jet movement gets *my* vote!
Lord Flasheart: Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm missing, five hundred girls will kill themselves. And I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they ought to be on my *face*! Hello? Cancel the state funeral, tell the king to stop blubbing, Flash is not dead! I simply ran out of juice! And before five hundred girls all go 'oh, what's the point in living any more?' I'm talking about petrol! Woof! Send someone along to pick me up. General Melchett's driver will do, she hangs round with a big nob so she'll be used to a fellow like me. Woof!
Captain Blackadder: Look, do you think you could make your obscene phone call somewhere else?
Lord Flasheart: No, not in half an hour you rubber desk-johnny! Send the bitch with the wheels right now or I'll fly back home and give your wife something to hang her towels on!
Lord Flasheart: *hangs up* Right! Let's dig out your best booze and talk about me till the car comes!
Lord Flasheart: Wait, wait, wait, wit, wait a minute. Now I may be packing the kind of tackle that you'd normally expect to find swinging about between the hindlegs of a Grand National winner, but I'm not totally stupid. I've got the kind of feeling you'd rather we hadn't come.
Captain Blackadder: No, no, no, I'm very grateful. It's just that I'd slow you up.
Lord Flasheart: I think I'm beginning to understand.
Captain Blackadder: Are... are you?
Lord Flasheart: Just because I can give multiple orgasms to the furniture just by sitting on it, doesn't mean that I'm not sick of this damn war: the blood, the noise, the endless poetry.
Captain Blackadder: Flasheart, this is Captain Darling.
Lord Flasheart: Captain Darling? Funny name for a guy isn't it? Last person I called darling was pregnant twenty seconds later.
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, what are you doing?
Private Baldrick: I'm a Sopwith Camel, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Ah, it is a Sopwith Camel. I always get confused between the sound of a Sopwith Camel, and the sound of a malodorous runt wasting everybody's time.
Lieutenant George: Crikey, sir. I'm looking forward to today. Up diddly up, down diddly down, whoops, poop, twiddly dee - decent scrap with the fiendish Red Baron - bit of a jolly old crash landing behind enemy lines - capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time for tea and medals.
Captain Blackadder: George, who's using the family brain cell at the moment? This is just the training - 6 months of dull men looking at machinery.
Lord Flasheart: *Voice from outside the room* Hey, girls - look at my machinery!
*Girls scream*
Lord Flasheart: Woof!
Bob Parkhurst: Woof!
Captain Blackadder: God, it's like Crufts in here.
Captain Darling: Excuse me, Sir
Lord Flasheart: Yes, yes, prat at the back.
Captain Darling: I'm sure we'd all like to know... Why are you called the Twenty Minuters?
Lieutenant George: Oh, Mr Thicko, fancy not knowing that!
Lord Flasheart: It's simple! The life expectancy of a new pilot is twenty minutes!
Captain Blackadder: Life *expectancy* of twenty minutes?
Lord Flasheart: That's right! Goggles on, last one back's a homo! Hooray!
Captain Blackadder: So we take off in ten minutes, we're in the air for twenty minutes, so we should be dead by twenty to ten.
Lieutenant George: Hairy blighter, sir, this is a bit of a turn-up for the plus fours.
*last lines*
Captain Blackadder: I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate.
General Melchett: Excellent idea. Your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you.
Captain Blackadder: You are my commanding officer.
General Melchett: Well?
Captain Blackadder: Can I have a week's leave to recuperate, sir?
General Melchett: Certainly not!
Captain Blackadder: Thank you sir.
General Melchett: Baaa!
*a formation of British planes fly over the countryside*
Captain Blackadder: *voice* They're right, you know - this is a doddle.
*the plane wobbles slightly*
Captain Blackadder: Opps, a little wobble there! Right, let’s take stock - Baldrick, how many round have we got?
Private Baldrick: *voice* 500, sir - cheese and tomato for you, rat for me!
*Blackadder's aircraft has been hit by machine gun fire*
Private Baldrick: *voice* I hope we land on something soft!
Captain Blackadder: *voice* Fine - I’ll aim for the spot between General Melchet's ears!
"Blackadder Goes Forth: Corporal Punishment"
Season 1 Episode 2 - 1989
*Baldrick enters the witness box at Blackadder's trial*
Captain Blackadder: *whispering* Baldrick, deny everything.
Lieutenant George: You are Private Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: No.
Lieutenant George: Are you not Captain Blackadder's batman?
Private Baldrick: No.
*Blackadder beats his head against the desk*
*Blackadder is about to be shot*
Corporal Perkins: Well, Captain, I've got to admire your balls.
Captain Blackadder: Perhaps later.
Captain Blackadder: *on the telephone* You'd like to book a table for three, by the window, for 9:30 p.m., not too near the band, in the name of "Oberleutnant von Genschler". Yes? Yes? I think you might have the wrong number.
Private Baldrick: *Blackadder has found Baldrick and George drunk* I think I can explain sir.
Captain Blackadder: Can you, Baldrick?
Private Baldrick: No.
Captain Blackadder: As I suspected. I'm not a religious man as you know, but henceforth I shall pray nightly to the God who killed Cain and squashed Samson that he comes out of retirement and gets back into practice with the pair of you.
*the phone rings. Blackadder snatches it up*
Captain Blackadder: Blackadder. Ah, Captain Darling. Well, you know, some of us just have friends in high places, I suppose. No I can hear you perfectly. You want what? You want two volunteers for a mission into No Man's Land. Codename "Operation Certain Death". Yes I think I have just the fellows.
*He hangs up and looks at the two*
Captain Blackadder: God is very quick these days.
*George and Baldrick look terrified*
*Blackadder is waiting in his prison cell for the inevitable day when he will be executed*
Corporal Perkins: Do you mind if I disturb you for a moment, sir?
Captain Blackadder: No, no, not at all. My diary's pretty empty this week. Let's see, Thursday morning, get shot, yes, that's about it, actually.
Corporal Perkins: It's just there's a few chaps out here would like a bit of a chinwag.
Captain Blackadder: Oh, lovely. Always keen to meet new people.
*a small group of soldiers enter the cell*
Corporal Perkins: Corporal Jones and Privates Spacer, Robinson, and Tipperwick
All: Hello.
Captain Blackadder: Oh, nice of you to drop by. And what do you do?
Corporal Perkins: We're your firing squad, sir. | |
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Movie/ TV Show Information:
Blackadder's Christmas Carol 
Blackadder: The Cavalier Years 
Blackadder Back & Forth 