Movie/TV title: The Jerk
Character name: Navin R. Johnson
Quote(s):
Navin R. Johnson: Well I'm gonna to go then. And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you. I don't need anything except this.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson: And that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this. The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And this. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.
[walking outside]
Navin R. Johnson: And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[dog barks]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.
| Movie/TV title: All of Me
Character name: Roger Cobb
Quote(s):
Roger: You'll have to do it.
Edwina Cutwater: Do what?
Roger: You know, take it out.
Edwina Cutwater: Take what out?
Roger: The little fireman.
Edwina Cutwater: The little fireman?
Roger: You know, my penis.
Edwina Cutwater: How dare you say penis to a dead person.
| Movie/TV title: LA Story
Character name: Harris Telemacher
Quote(s):
[Admiring a painting]
Harris: I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's *holding* her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.
[the painting is revealed to be of a red rectangle]
Harris: SanDeE*, your... your breasts feel weird.
SanDeE*: Oh, that's 'cause they're real.
Gail, News Anchor: And what a surprise this weekend when the weather turned unseasonably low. Here's Harris Telemacher, our "wacky weatherman" with a report.
Harris: And when the weather dropped down to 58 degrees this weekend, how did you cope?
Man: I went to make sure all the windows were shut.
Harris: And, what about your pets? Were they outside? What happened?
Man: Well, the cats were out till around ten. But it got a little too cold for them and they came in.
Harris: The cats were out till around ten. But it got a little too cold for them and they came in! Well, that's how L.A. coped with that surprise low of 58 degrees that turned the weekend into a real weenie shrinker!
| Movie/TV title: Father of the Bride
Character name: George Banks
Quote(s):
George: Drive carefully. And don't forget to fasten your condom.
Annie: Dad!
George: [shrieks in embarrassment] Seat belt! I meant, I meant seat belt.
[at a supermarket]
George: I'll tell you what I'm doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don't need. So I am removing the superfluous buns. Yeah. And you want to know why? Because some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company and decided to rip off the American public. Because they think the American public is a bunch of trusting nit-wits who will pay for everything they don't need rather than make a stink. Well they're not ripping of this nitwit anymore because I'm not paying for one more thing I don't need. George Banks is saying NO!
Stock Boy: Who's George Banks?
George: ME!
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