Movie/TV title:
Wedding Crashers
Character name:
Jeremy Grey
Quote(s):
Jeremy Grey: [confessing to Father O'Neil] You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little f*cking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!
Jeremy Grey: Guys, the real enemy here, is the institution of marriage, it unrealistic, it's crazy!
Jeremy Grey: That's not how you cut cake, you gotta treat cake like a lady!
[Gloria is treating Jeremy's badly cut leg]
Jeremy Grey: Oh Jesus Christ, it burns.
Gloria Cleary: Poor baby.
Jeremy Grey: It stings.
Gloria Cleary: You want me to blow on it?
Jeremy Grey: No! No! I don't need any blowing.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I'm not wearin' any panties. Let's rock!
Jeremy Grey: Ok. Ok. That was nice. I don't understand what's going on. It's like, eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin, and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to catch up with you here.
Gloria Cleary: You do that to me? Ooh.
Gloria Cleary: Where's my little friend? Where's my little friend?
Jeremy Grey: He's tired! He's tired! He's in time-out! He's in time-out!
Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.
Jeremy Grey: I can't be around her.
John Beckwith: Get off your high horse and stop judging people.
Jeremy Grey: She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
Jeremy Grey: I don't give a baker's f*ck!
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.
Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-f*cked the shit out of me.
John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
John Beckwith: Drop it.
Jeremy Grey: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John Beckwith: Drop it!
Jeremy Grey: Team player!
Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
Jeremy Grey: She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.
Jeremy Grey: Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket! Rule #115!
|  Movie/TV title:
Old School
Character name:
Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell
Quote(s):
Beanie: Max, can you earmuff for me? We are going to get so much ass here, it's going to be sick. I'm talking like crazy boy band ass.
Beanie: Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frank. Way to work it through.
Beanie: Well why don't you give me your number in case anything happens to my wife.
Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say earmuffs to him, and you can say F*ck, shit, bitch.
Frank: Cock. Balls.
Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.
Beanie: Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. you think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a f*cking marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.
Beanie: I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm welcome Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.
Beanie: Frank here was staring at a white picket fence. Now he's single, he's broke, and has second degree burns all over his body. And I see a spark in his eye that I haven't seen in fifteen years.
Beanie: Six weeks ago Abdul here had a one way ticket to an arranged marriage with a broad he never met in Bangladesh. Now he's crushing ass every Thursday night at our mixers.
Beanie: You think I like avoiding my wife and kids to hangout with nineteen year old girls everyday?
Beanie: Spanish what the hell are you doing?
Spanish: I'm just going to get some water. This suit is crazy hot, yo.
Beanie: Put your head back on. That can be very traumatic for the kids.
Spanish: You're right, I'm sorry, sir.
Beanie: Don't sorry me, babe. And shake the tail when you walk. You're better than that.
Beanie: Girls love a guy who's in your situation.
Mitch: What situation?
Beanie: Mitch. You're on the rebound. You're like an injured young fawn who's been nursed back to health and is finally going to be released back into the wilderness.
Beanie: Guys this is a very special occasion. The Godfather himself has decided to grace us with his presence. This is his damn house. He sleeps twenty feet away.
Beanie: Don't say sorry to me. You let down Frank. You let down me. Most importantly you let down Max. And right about now I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I take time out of my schedule to help you get over.
[to Max]
Beanie: Max can you earmuff it for me?
[to Mitch]
Beanie: That whore you dated.
Mitch: I wasn't looking for a girl like that.
Beanie: Well, Columbus wasn't looking for America, my man, but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone.
Beanie: Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die.
Beanie: Because this is a very big idea my friends. We're talking about a non-exclusive egalitarian brotherhood where community status and more importantly age have bearing whatsoever.
Jerry: What will you have to do with the university?
Beanie: Legally speaking there will be a loose affiliation. But, we will give nothing back to the academic community. As well as provide no public service of any kind. This much I promise you.
Mitch: Who's this guy?
Beanie: Oh, that's Blue. An old navy vet who hangs around my store a lot. Don't worry. He's legit.
Mitch: He looks like he's one hundred years old and he wants to pledge?
Beanie: You kidding me? Old man river can't shut up about it.
Beanie: What we need to do is throw a big kick off, kick ass party.
Beanie: I have a wife and kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frank?
Frank: Hey, I just want to thank you one last time for being here. It's the best day ever.
Beanie: Don't even start with me, Franklin, okay? You need to walk away from this ASAP.
Frank: What?
Beanie: You need to get out, Frankie. This is it. It's now or never. You need to get out of here while you're still single.
Frank: I'm not single.
Beanie: She's 30 yards away, you're single now.
Frank: Come on, Marissa's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Beanie: Why don't you give that six months. You don't think that'll change? I got a wife, kids. Do I seem like a happy guy to you, Frankie?
Beanie: There's my wife. See that? Always smiling? Hi, honey. Judging, watching, "Look at the baby."
Mitch Martin: She's coming down the aisle, Beanie. Let it go.
|  Movie/TV title:
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Character name:
Peter La Fleur
Quote(s):
Peter La Fleur: Don't worry so much about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end.
Justin: Thanks, Pete.
Peter La Fleur: You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing already.
Peter La Fleur: There's someone out there for everybody.
Owen: You think?
Peter La Fleur: Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that the jackpot.
Peter La Fleur: You really think you can come in here and buy me out, White, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
White Goodman: Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I was once.
Peter La Fleur: Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
Justin: Yeah. Why?
Peter La Fleur: Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid.
Peter La Fleur: You had me at blood and semen.
Peter La Fleur: Thank you, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris: Thank you, Peter.
Peter La Fleur: Too bad Hallmark doesn't make a "Sorry your dodgeball coach got killed by two tons of irony" card.
Peter La Fleur: Look, White, I know that we've had our differences in the past.
White Goodman: Differences? Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers?
Peter La Fleur: That was one night.
White Goodman: Or what about that strip-o-gram you sent me for the Globo Gym one year anniversary?
Peter La Fleur: The stripper was meant to be congratulatory.
White Goodman: It was also a man!
Peter La Fleur: You're adopted! Your parents don't even love you!
Peter La Fleur: Hey, White. I didn't think that Nazi camp got out until eight. Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
White Goodman: Yes, I did.
White Goodman: This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Not nearly as much as your hair does.
Peter La Fleur: Sad? You want to know what's sad? Six grown men playing dodgeball.
Casino Worker: Here are your winnings, Mr. La Fleur. Congratuations.
Peter La Fleur: Right on time. I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
White Goodman: Winnings? What winnings? What winnings? What is that?
Peter La Fleur: Oh, gosh! I totally forgot to tell you, White. I took the $100,000 bribe you gave me last night and I put on us to win. We were going at fifty to one. Anyone? Top of your head. What's 50 times $100,000?
Owen: $50,000?
Kate Veatch: $5 million! Peter, are you kidding me?
White Goodman: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
Peter La Fleur: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, White.
White Goodman: You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.
Peter La Fleur: Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur, Owner and Operator of Average Joe's Gym. And I'm here to tell you, you're perfect just the way you are. But if you feel like losing a few pounds, gettin' healthier, and making some good friends in the process, then Joe's is the place for you. Don't forget that Youth Dodgeball classes are forming right now. So come on down and learn a great game the way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
Peter La Fleur: Come on, Kate. It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.
|  Movie/TV title:
Starsky & Hutch
Character name:
Reese Feldman
Quote(s):
Reese Feldman: Frankly, we're a little mimed out.
Reese Feldman: Ya know, I believe it was our buddy Bill Shakespeare who said, "To err is human, but to forgive, well that's right on."
Big Earl: [on the phone with Reese Feldman] What are you wearing? Real quick, be honest.
Reese Feldman: What am I wearing? A silk flowered shirt and a vest. Why?
Big Earl: Oh that's gorgeous.
Reese Feldman: You sick son of a bitch.
Big Earl: Don't hang up. Don't hang up.
Reese Feldman: It's not a boat, it's a yacht.
Kitty: Oh, my God, we almost nearly got killed.
Reese Feldman: Thank you for pointing out something I wouldn't have noticed by myself. You're a benefit to have.
Reese Feldman: Will you do my back, please. I don't wanna tan weird, am I tanning weird?
Kitty: No you look really good, you're really bronzing.
Reese Feldman: [to a drug dealer] Coke: It costs *money*. Planes: they cost money. This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces: it all costs money.
[pointing at his mistress]
Reese Feldman: Do you think Kitty's free?
Kitty: What?
Reese Feldman: Mmm... why'd I'd get so lucky?
Kitty: I dunno. I just love when you talk so tough.
Reese Feldman: Of course you do baby, that's why you're my girlfriend on the side.
Reese Feldman: If this shit wasn't illegal guys, we'd be up for the Nobel Prize.
|  Movie/TV title:
The Break-Up
Character name:
Gary Grobowski
Quote(s):
Gary: Fate has me highly skilled and loaded with talent.
Brooke: You're crazy.
Gary: No, I'm not crazy and a lot of times people go "Oh that's crazy!" then they go "It's genious!". That's what happened to the person who invented fire, they burned that witch and guess what, then they got warm and they ate good stuff. Now where are we headed to. Let's not make this weird 'cause I'm not good on dates.
Gary: I'm the one who should be sorry, Brooke. I shouldn't sit here and pick on your art, because you've got the 'nuts' down, Picasso! All you have to do is cut off your frigging ear.
Brooke: That's Van Gogh, you idiot. Your insults are much more effective when they're accurate.
Gary: Listen, Lassie, and listen good. I'm not saying he's not gonna get married. I'm not saying he's not gonna have kids. If it does happen, his wife is gonna come home, and find him with his Tiajuana lover clubbing each other with Yanni's greatest hits.
Gary: Come on, grab some sky.
Gary: Please don't touch my ruffles. Put that one back.
Gary: It's not about doing the things you love, it's about doing things with the one you love!
Brooke: My sister has been through a lot.
Gary: Of dick!
Gary: What kind of bullshit move was that?
Brooke: I'm sorry, what? What happened?
Gary: Oh don't be coy with me. You sent that animal over here to attack me when I was hung over and weak.
Brooke: Oh no. Look, all I know is The Tone Rangers they needed some place to rehearse so I very clearly told Richard stay in my room, which you explained to me was my space to do with what I want.
Gary: Is that how you want to play it? Cause I'll play it like that. I'll play it like Lionel Richie, all night long, lady. Oh yeah. I'll call some guys from my neck of the woods. And we're not talking about, Brooke, about a couple of queens who know a few grapples. We're talking about Polacks that don't have a goddamn future. That's right. We can make shit real uncomfortable around here, and that's what we're going to do.
Brooke: Please, come on. You know what, you're just embarrassed because Richard kicked your ass.
Gary: Richard did not kick my ass. What Richard did was attack me when I was half asleep.
Brooke: Really, is that how you see it?
Gary: There's a real big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you even know you're in a fight. But I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand that, because all you do is make moves from up in your ivory tower.
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