- "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying."
- "I wasn't away. And I'm not back. Match Point (2005) was a film about luck, and it was a very lucky film for me. I did it the way I do all my pictures, and it just worked. I needed a rainy day, I got a rainy day. I needed sun, I got sun. Kate Winslet dropped out at the last moment because she wanted to be with her family, and Scarlett Johansson was available on two days' notice. It's like I couldn't ruin this picture no matter how hard I tried."
- "I never wanted movies to be an end. I wanted them to be a means so that I could have a decent life -- meet attractive women, go out on dates, live decently. Not opulently, but with some security. I feel the same way now. A guy like Steven Spielberg will go live in the desert to make a movie, or Martin Scorsese will make a picture in India and set up camp and live there for four months. I mean, for me, if I'm not shooting in my neighborhood, it's annoying. I have no commitment to my work in that sense. No dedication."
- "80% of success is showing up."
- "Ireland's one of the few places that lives up to the hype, that is as beautiful as everyone tells you it is."
- "My mother always said I was a very cheerful kid until I was 5 years old, and then I turned gloomy."
- "Stanley Kubrick was a great artist. I say this all the time and people think I'm being facetious. I'm not. Kubrick was a guy who obsessed over details and did 100 takes, and you know, I don't feel that way. If I'm shooting a film and it's 6 o'clock at night and I've got a take, and I think I might be able to get a better take if I stayed, but the Knicks tipoff is at 7:30, then that's it. The crews love working on my movies because they know they'll be home by 6."
- "I always think it is a mistake to try and be young, because I feel the young people in the United States have not distinguished themselves. The young audience in the United States have not proven to me that they like good movies or good theatre. The films that are made for young people are not wonderful films, they are not thoughtful. They are these blockbusters with special effects. The comedies are dumb, full of toilet jokes, not sophisticated at all. And these are the things the young people embrace. I do not idolize the young."
- "To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
- "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank."
- "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
- "There was no ripple professionally for me at all when I was in the papers with my custody stuff. I made my films, I worked in the streets of New York, I played jazz every Monday night, I put a play on. Everything professionally went just the same. There were no repercussions. There was white-hot interest for a while, like with all things like that, and then it became uninteresting to people."
- "For me, being famous didn't help me that much. It helped a little. Warren Beatty once said to me many years ago, being a star is like being in a whorehouse with a credit card, and I never found that. For me, it was like being in a whorehouse with a credit card that had expired."
- "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."
- "The biggest flaw in being self-taught is there are gaps. You self-teach yourself something and you think you know something fairly well, but then there are gaps a university teacher would have taught you as part of a mandatory program. I would probably have been better off if I'd got a better general education, but I was just so bored."
- "Hollywood for the most part aimed at the lowest common denominator. It's conceived in venality, it's motivated by pandering to the public, by making a lot of money. People like Ingmar Bergman thought about life, and they had feelings, and they wanted to dramatize them and engage one in a dialogue. I felt I couldn't easily be engaged by the nonsense that came out of Hollywood."
- "The directors that have personal, emotional feelings for me are Ingmar Bergman and Federico Fellini, and I'm sure there has been some influence but never a direct one. I never set out to try and do anything like them. But, you know, when you listen to a jazz musician like Charlie Parker for years and you love it, then you start to play an instrument, you automatically play like that at first, then you branch off with your own things. The influence is there, it's in your blood."
- "Man was made in God's image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?"
- "Life is for the living."
- "I've made perfectly decent films, but not 8½, not The Seventh Seal, The 400 Blows or L'Avventura - ones that to me really proclaim cinema as art, on the highest level. If I was the teacher, I'd give myself a B."
- "I once thought there was a good argument between whether it's worth it to make a film where you confront the human condition, or an escape film. You could argue that the Fred Astaire film is performing a greater service than the Bergman film, because Ingmar Bergman is dealing with a problem that you're never going to solve. Whereas Fred Astaire, you walk in off the street, and for an hour and half they're popping champagne corks and making light banter and you get refreshed, like a lemonade."
- "I do feel that in everyday life people on a great spectrum get away with crime all the time, ranging from genocide to just street crime. Most crimes do go unsolved, and people commit murders and ruin other people and do the worst things in the world, and, you know, there's no one to penalize you if you don't have a sense of conscience about it. There is an element in life of enormous, enormous injustice that we live with all the time. It's just an ugly-but-true fact of life."
- "I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man's plight in this mysterious universe."
- "My brain: It's my second favorite organ."
- "I know it sounds horrible, but winning that Oscar for Annie Hall didn't mean anything to me."
- "When I was a kid, movies from Hollywood seemed very glamorous, but when you look back at them as a young man, you can see out of the thousands of films that came out of Hollywood there were really very few good ones statistically, and those few that were good were made in spite of the studios. I saw European films as a young man and they were very much better. There's no comparison."
- "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."
- "My relationship with Hollywood isn't love-hate, it's love-contempt. I've never had to suffer any of the indignities that one associates with the studio system. I've always been independent in New York by sheer good luck. But I have an affection for Hollywood because I've had so much pleasure from films that have come out of there. Not a whole lot of them, but a certain amount of them have been very meaningful to me."
- "The two biggest myths about me are that I'm an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I'm an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years."
- "This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?" (said in 1977)
- "I can't imagine that the [film] business should be run any other way than that the director has complete control of his films. My situation may be unique, but that doesn't speak well for the business -- it shouldn't be unique, because the director is the one who has the vision and he's the one who should put that vision onto film."
- "Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs."
- "[Movies are a great diversion] because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine."
- "I can't really come up with a good argument to choose life over death. Except that I'm too scared."
- "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."
- "Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill 'em."
- "I'm not afraid of dying . . . I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
- "t's true I had a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of the dark and suspicious of the light."
- "If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job."
- "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
- "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down."
- "Organized crime in America takes in over $40 billion a year and spends very little on office supplies."
- "Most of life is tragic. You're born, you don't know why. You're here, you don't know why. You go, you die. Your family dies. Your friends die. People suffer. People live in constant terror. The world is full of poverty and corruption and war and Nazis and tsunamis. The net result, the final count is, you lose - you don't beat the house."
- "When I was in my early twenties, I knew a man who has since died, who was older than me and also very crazy. He'd been in a straitjacket and institutionalized, and I found him very brilliant. When I would speak to him about writing, about life, art, women, he was very, very cogent - but he couldn't lead his own life, he just couldn't manage."
- "I don't believe in an afterlife, although I'm bringing along a change of underwear."
- "The sensibility of the film-maker infuses the project so people see a picture like Annie Hall (1977) and everyone thinks it's so autobiographical. But I was not from Coney Island, I was not born under a Ferris wheel, my father never worked at a place that had bumper cars, that's not how I met Diane Keaton, and that's not how we broke up. Of course, there's that character who's always beleaguered and harassed. Certain things are autobiographical, certain feelings, even occasionally an incident, but overwhelmingly they're totally made up, completely fabricated."
- "I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."
- "With my complexion I don't tan, I stroke."
- "Your perception of time changes as you get older, because you see how brief everything is. You see how meaningless ... I don't want to depress you, but it's a meaningless little flicker."
- "Of course, I would love everybody to see my films. But I don't care enough ever to do anything about it. I would never change a word or make a movie that I thought they would like. I really don't care if they come or not. If they don't want to come, then they don't; if they do come, then great. Do I want to do what I do uncompromisingly, and would I love it if a big audience came? Yes, that would be very nice. I've never done anything to attract an audience, though I always get accused of it over the years."
- "I can bring stars, I've worked with terrific cameramen, but people still have a better chance of making their $150m films because they're not interested in the kind of profits I can bring if I'm profitable."
- "I was thrown out of New York University for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
- "Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."
For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good." - "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
- "I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don't care about the films. I don't care if they're flushed down the toilet after I die."
- "I'm a practicing heterosexual, although bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
- "I was never bothered if a film was not well received. But the converse of that is that I never get a lot of pleasure out of it if it is. So it isn't like you can say, 'He's an uncompromising artist.' That's not true. I'm a compromising person, definitely. It's that I don't get much from either side."
- Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?
Woody Allen
- It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light and certainly not desirable, as ones hat keeps falling off...
Woody Allen
- I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
- I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
Woody Allen
- I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Woody Allen
- I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen
- I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
Woody Allen
- I do not believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
Woody Allen
The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
Woody Allen
I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers.
Woody Allen
Sleeper
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's so hard to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Woody Allen
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen
94.5% of all statistics are made up.
Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen
Why ruin a good story with the truth?
Woody Allen
Death is an acquired trait.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen and His Comedy
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen and His Comedy
I took a course in speed reading learning to read straight down the middle of the page, and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
Woody Allen
Quote and Unquote
Take the money and run.
Woody Allen
Film title
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
New York Times
I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.
Woody Allen
Sayings of the Week, Observer
My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.
Woody Allen
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen Volume Two
I am at two with nature.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him 'Be fruitful, and multiply.' But not in those words.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor
I wanted to be an arch-criminal as a child, before I discovered I was too short.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor
And my parents finally realise that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: they rent out my room.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen and His Comedy
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen and His Comedy
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Woody Allen
Play it Again Sam
My brain - it's my second favorite organ.
Woody Allen
Sleeper
Q. Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything?
A. Yes, for twenty-four hours I refused to eat grapes.
Woody Allen
Sleeper
Eternal nothingness is OK if you're dressed for it.
Woody Allen
Getting Even, 'My Philosophy'
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Woody Allen
Getting Even, 'My Philosophy'
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody Allen
Without Feathers, 'The Scrolls'
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Death
The thing to remember is that each time of life has its appropriate rewards, whereas when you're dead it's hard to find the light switch. The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen
The Early Essays
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen
The Early Essays
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor
My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor
I am an only child. I have one sister.
Woody Allen
Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Woody Allen
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex
That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.
Woody Allen
Annie Hall
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen
Annie Hall
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody Allen
My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Woody Allen
Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions.
Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practise a lot on my own.
Woody Allen
The food in this place is really terrible. Yes, and such small portions. That's essentially how I feel about life.
Woody Allen
Annie Hall
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever .
Woody Allen
Love and Death
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