Top Geeky Cult Classics

Being quotable is sometimes a movie's only redeeming quality (see Highlander below). Sometimes a movie is great, but not quotable (see, um, most any Meryl Streep movie). Once every generation comes a movie that is great AND quotable.

Enter Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Have YOU ever discussed the difference between coconut-carrying African and European swallows? Have YOU stubbed your toe and shouted, "It's only a flesh wound!" Maybe you've proclaimed, much to the annoyance of others, "We are the Knights Who Say NI!"

Offices abound Holy Grail quotes even 30 years after it premiered. Amazing.

Work this quote into conversation whenever possible: "Young mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" It will make you cooler, or geekier.

You are in peril...because after this article comes the spanking. And after the spanking comes the oral sex!

This movie is dark, noir, and stars Harrison Ford and Rutger Hauer (a man who has never acted better). It's part detective story, part scifi action, and part philosophical exploration while presenting a massive and enthralling future-world. (This world is so in-depth and compelling, its influences can be seen to this day in movies such as Batman, Brazil, and The Matrix.)

Despite some excellent dialogue, especially Roy Batty's final speech, interesting scenes and landscapes, and a solid plot; the best thing about Blade Runner is that it brought Philip K. Dick to the attention of directors. Not only can we now say "Dick" in polite conversation, but his brilliant short stories and novels began to be turned into movies:

*Blade Runner is based on Dick's "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep", and, while the movie fails to capture all the action of the book, it gets the underlying premise correct.

*Total Recall is based on his story "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale". Again, the movie misses or changes much, but the questioning of reality and identity is held intact.

*Minority Report, too, is based on a Dick story of the same name. Again, the plot is adjusted, but the core theme – free will – is still there.

*His novel, A Scanner Darkly, was made into a movie of the same name, starring Keanu Reeves.

*And while The Matrix is not taken directly from a Dick novel or short story, the movie's premise is directly descended from the themes of Dick's complete writings – what is real, who is real, and why is it real.

In one respect, Philip K. Dick has fared better in Hollywood than Stephen King and HP Lovecraft. The Dick-based movies are generally fine – sometimes magnificent – movies, as opposed the campy mediocrity of most King-based movies, or the awesome badness of the Lovecraftian attempts .

We have much to thank Mr. Dick for, and the creation of Blade Runner is one of those things.

Not quit old enough to be a classic, still this odd piece of time travel/vandalism/strangeness creeps out from the annals of “Twilight Zone” and “Night Gallery”. Most people describe it as a simple story of “a schizophrenic boy (Jake Gyllenhaal) lured out of bed by a giant rabbit in time to not be killed by a falling airplane engine, all the while being slowly cajoled into committing increasingly extravagant crimes and being told how long it will be until the world ends.”

This is, of course, a misunderstanding of the plot.

A schizophrenic boy is removed from his fate of being crushed in his bed by a large man wearing a bunny head. Fate WILL correct itself, but in the mean time, our increasingly-schizophrenic protagonist commits crimes, dates a little, and lives his life. He is told when the world ends, but we (and he) doesn’t realize this time and date is really when Mr. Gyllenhaal must move back to his bed and let Fate has his way with Jake – and the airplane engine takes him finally, the world is restored and moves on.

As with most time-paradox movies, Donnie Darko’s ending is slightly unsatisfying. Not quite as bad as, say, the horrible ending to the otherwise delicious movie, 12 Monkeys, but unsatisfying nonetheless. Maybe because all actions of the movie are washed clean and away: all lessons learned are gone, all villains exposed, and all changes and maturing of characters are removed – leaving us with the same unchanged characters we had at the beginning of the movie.

Except Donnie.

He gets squooshed flat.

In 1988, the epic Japanese mystic-powered bloodbath called Akira was released. This was before Barnes & Noble had a manga section. This was before US critics ever looked at anything from Hayao Miyazaki. This was when the only place you heard the word "Anime" was in the deepest, darkest, geekiest comic stores.

It's beautiful animation, magnificent scope, incomprehensible ending, and rampant bloodletting made it the must-see movie from Japan. Sure, you had your Bubble Gum Crisis and your Golgo 13, but none was better than Akira.

Luckily for us, a few years prior to Snake Plissken becoming a joke while Escaping from LA, his younger, geekier, less competent brother was shaking the pillars of Heaven in a goofy and endearing action adventure movie.

This homage to, and spoof of, kung-fu movies is packed with action, green-eyed cuties, bad-ass mystical warriors, and a street fight that puts the Jets to shame.

But the reason why it is a geeky cult classic is because it's wonderfully campy and fun from start to finish.

He's a brain surgeon, a high-speed car racer, a physicist, and a rock star. Heck, even the President asks his advice before making a move. Who is he? That's right, he's Buckaroo Banzai.

Some actors define a role they play so spectacularly no one imagines any other actor playing the role. Examples include Stephen Fry as Oscar Wilde in Wilde, Ben Kingsley as Gandhi in Gandhi, and Meryl Streep in, well, just about any role she has played.

Peter Weller joins that lofty crowd with his portrayal of Buckaroo Banzai. His characterization and energy, his panache and skill, lead me to believe no other actor could have filled the Buckaroo shoes. And when someone (inevitably) tries to remake this classic piece of cinematography, they will fail.

Also, the Christopher Lloyd / John Lithgow crazy-off is a hoot to watch.

Check out this movie if you haven't seen it yet. I will be at Yoyodyne testing out the melon-press.

Much like Donnie Darko, Ghost World is not so much a geek cult classic as one of the main frontrunners of the newer films to be deemed as such.

As for why it might hit the geek category? Well there are two theories, both equally likely:

1. 1. The insanely dorky Mr. Pink scores with Thora Birch.
2. 2. Thora Birch chooses to sleep with an insanely dorky Mr. Pink.

Either way it thus gives hope to millions of geeks worldwide.

In the end, it is a coming of age movie about a two smart young, outsiders (women) finding their way in the world just after graduating high school. On a prank they meet Steve Buscemi’s Stanely and to everyone’s shock Thora finds she likes him. It is her first adult relationship, and possibly Stanely’s as well. They stumble and bumble through appreciation and discovery. And then, well, then you need to watch the rest of the film to see.

The single best thing to be said of the film is it doesn’t have a Hollywood ending. And to make a movie like that in Hollywood is cool. And geeky. And classic.

One key element making a Cult Classic, no matter what genre, is quote-ability. It could be the worst movie in the world, but riddle it with reusable one-liners and BAM!, classic. Case in point: Highlander.

"There can be only one." An ominous statement, and the premise for the movie; there can be only one immortal left in the end. Commence the killing of each other and various innocents. Last one standing wins the prize. So begins the globe-wide cage match!

This is a beautiful outline for a movie and the only thing redeeming about the film. Without this tagline Highlander would have slunk away with other films of the same quality, such as Hardware, Slipstream, and The Ewok Adventure.

-- And now for a conversation that should have happened at some point in the movie --

Highlander says into the sky: "Hey, God? So if I am the last one, what do I win?"

GOD (Booming God voice): "I make you grow old and die like normal… but now you can make babies."

Highlander: "Um, got anything else to sweeten the deal?"

GOD (Slightly less booming voice): "Ah. Well, how about I let you read minds while you're still alive?"

Highlander: "Can I just stay immortal, please?"

GOD (Slightly peeved voice): "No, this is my game and my rules. Suck it."

--

Highlander is a very bad movie, but has one infinitely spoutable line and is a geeky cult classic because of it.

Why is The Hunger, the funky vampire flick semi-starring a rapidly aging David Bowie, a geeky cult classic?

Let's say it all together: "Catherine Deneuve and Susan Sarandon sex scene!"

I was reading a 1960's pulp fantasy novel last week and it struck me that Labyrinth was written in the same way – arbitrary plot and then a series of inconsequential interactions with random beings.

What is it that makes this relatively hokey little movie stick in our mind? Two things: the young and insanely adorable Jennifer Connelly, and the idea of David Bowie being in the movie – David still having some excess cool from his stint in The Hunger.

Watchable? Not really. Good? Definitely not. Geeky cult classic? Unfortunately, yes.

Ferris Bueller is as wily in medieval times as modern days – getting out of jams and sticking it to the man in this tragic-love story/fantasy-adventure flick. Roy Batty and Catwoman are lovers separated by a curse laid down by a jealous clergyman – one is restored at night, the other during day. (Ain't it always the case?)

Ladyhawke is different in most ways from other fantasy adventure movies in that it has no dragons and little in the way of magic (the only real magic being the curse, and the nightly transformations of the lovers_. It's a grubby, dirty, peasant-man's adventure. (Hey! Morons-who-directed-the-Dungeons-&-Dragons movie, please watch and take some notes.)

It has little flash, no dramatic dragon/magic warfare, no car chases, and only one bit of deus ex machina in the form of a convenient eclipse. With these uncommon characteristics as backdrop, add in Michelle Pfieffer, Rutger Hauer and Matthew Broderick and you have yourself a geeky cult classic.

Some years back, I was standing in line to buy some MST3K items at the Mystery Science 3000 ConventioCon Expo-Fest-A-Rama surrounded by scads of like-minded geeks when I realized the TV series had made cult status. Little did I know years later a movie would be made – a movie unlike any other movie – but very like years of the television program.

Let us pause for a second to contemplate something first:

If you were a lonely man trapped in outer space, but you had the robotics skills to make some "robotic companions", what would be the first robot you would make?

Yeah, me too.

But Joel Robinson made two as companions for watching bad movies. When he left, Mike Nelson took over, and he didn't make a robot like we were thinking of either. Go figure.

Back to the matter at hand.

This Island Earth is the movie within this movie – the target of the robotic and human wit – and is mediocre fair from years gone by but is duly enhanced by the shouted comments of the viewers, Mike, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo.

The movie did poorly in theaters, but every fan of the MST3K television series bought every ticket sold. (Bite it, Trekkies!)

Now pardon me, I need to go put together my interositor with that hunk, Cal.

Keep trading those tapes.

What do you get when you let a monkey-executive produce a movie starring a punk, a drunk, an irradiated scientist, and a trunk full of aliens?

Yep, you get Repo Man, an energetic romp of an alien flick starring Emilio Estevez, with a raucous soundtrack deserving of mention in its own right.

And just remember, "John Wayne is a fag."