Sure, sex is great. But it only takes a few movies to find out that not only is everyone having more sex than you, it's also way better. Do yourself a favor — skip the real thing. Watch and learn at a theatre near you.
9. Sex leads to pregnancy.
Always. First time, every time.
See: Juno, The Scarlet Letter, Jane Austen Book Club, Steel Magnolias, Love with the Proper Stranger, Doctor Zhivago, The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, Rosemary's Baby.
8. Practice safe sex.
Never have sex near a haunted house, ancient burial site or sacred ground. Do not have sex if a serial killer is on the loose, an ill wind blows, you sense an evil presence or if a very old person or very young person prophesizes doom in any way. If you hear ominous music, keep your clothes on. Don't believe me?
Take a look: Friday the 13th, Halloween, Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Single White Female.
7. Sex and crime are closely related.
When men sleep with women, they want sex; when women sleep with men, they're after a suitcase filled with neatly wrapped hundreds. Consider this: it's common to forget who you slept with the night before, then wake up to discover him/her in bed next to you, sometimes of an unexpected gender, most likely dead. Also, keep in mind that most of the men in strip clubs are actually conducting police investigations.
Frisk these: The Last Seduction, Body Heat, The Thomas Crown Affair, Body of Evidence.
6. Gay people never actually have sex.
But they're valuable as neutral, opposite-sex advisors, and as subjects of hip, cool humor.
See: A Taste of Honey, Capote, Little Miss Sunshine, My Best Friend's Wedding (actually, anything with "wedding" in the title).
5. It's possible to have sex without anybody getting the least bit naked.
See: The Babysitters, Spanglish, When Harry Met Sally, The Boss of it All, anything before 1960. In fact, nobody had sex of any kind before 1960—this explains (partly) your weird, baby-boomer parents.
4. Sex can be just as annoying as filling out a tax form.
With the right music, a bunch of angles and a series of slow dissolves, sex can be just as annoying as filling out tax form 990-W, "Estimated Tax on Unrelated Business Taxable Income for Tax-Exempt Organizations."
If you can stand it, check out: A Man and a Woman, Emmanuelle, 21, Swept Away, Blue Lagoon.
3. The best sex takes place on kitchen counters.
Second best, any table or desk cleared by violently sweeping your arm across it. Fortunately, afterwards, nobody has to clean up!
Chew on this furniture: The Postman Always Rings Twice, Secretary, The Boss of it All, Jackie Brown.
2. Pregnancy is hilarious.
The panting, the waddling, the sweating, the vomiting, the water breaking at the most inopportune moment, the mood swings, the food cravings, the novelty-sized abdomen.
For a good belly-laugh watch: Father of the Bride II, Junebug, Slums of Beverly Hills, Baby Mama.
1. Sex with a woman who hates you is completely possible.
Just be prepared to stand on her lawn with a boombox, croon some detestable love ballad, and live with the humiliation the rest of your days.
See: Say Anything, Love with the Proper Stranger, The Palm Beach Story.
