2007: The Year in Review

Excellent. The kind of movie that puts you to sleep in the theatre, but keeps you up at night. This stuck with me for months afterward: I could do nothing but sit and replay it in my head, trying to understand the movie's rich themes, and relive its wicked character study of a man who embodies American capitalism. The cast is outstanding, especially Daniel Day-Lewis, whose greatest accomplishment is how likable he is all the way though, no matter what. The cinematography and score are perfect. A generational classic.

A flawless examination of morality. You could hear a pin drop in the theatre, as every single audience member sat entranced, staring as the action unfolded and the tension rose higher and higher. The lack of music isn't even noticeable until you reflect on it afterward -- the movie doesn't *need* music. Bardem is chilling to legendary effect. The Coens' best drama, and an equal to their comedy masterpiece, The Big Lebowski. It's a scorcher.

Apparently this movie isn't doing the hot business Hollywood had hoped it would. What a shame, considering what an amazing piece of cinema it is.

Planet Terror: 5/5

The first act of this double-bill, Rodriguez's B-movie zombie opus is...well...beyond words. Would anyone have gone into a Rodriguez/Tarantino double-feature and expected RR to mop the floor with QT? Because he does it. That's not to say Death Proof is a bad film by any means. It's just that Planet Terror is perfect. The script is a masterpiece of cheese, chock full of cliche characters -- like our protagonist, El Wray (played to perfection by that other Rodriguez, Freddy) -- and loaded with ridiculous dialog for them to spit out (BBQ pit-boss JT on El Wray: "That boy's got the devil in 'im!"). It's funny, frantic and always moving, bursting with blood, sex and random explosions. I'd call it the perfect guy movie, but there's not a girl I know who hasn't loved it as well.

And what's most surprising is that despite how comical and ridiculous the movie is, Rodriguez still manages to make it genuinely scary. It's all in the details: after setting up the movie by unleashing a zombie-making gas into the air outside Austin, TX, we pull back into the normal civilian world and wait for the horror to unfurl. Credit to RR, as the script gets an oral fixation that knocks the creep-level up a few notches. The camera hugs tight on coffee pots, water taps, thermometers... If it's going in someone's mouth, you're seeing it. This is how sickness spreads (even a sickness that turns people into zombies), and it's a subtle detail that really got to me. Kudos.

I really just can't say enough about the movie. The cast is great all the way through, the script is hilarious, and the action is awe-inspiring. As an opener, it can't be beat.

Death Proof: 4/5

...and that's the problem. Planet Terror simply can not be beat, and Tarantino's effort never even comes close to challenging it for supremacy. It's a fine film split into two sections with great car chases and terrific performances. It's just that...there's just so much freaking dialog. And it's good dialog, really, it is, don't get me wrong. Tarantino can write. But as a follow-up to Planet Terror, it drags. It just keeps going on and on and on, talking and talking and talking about the lives of these characters, with a couple retro pop culture references thrown in for good measure. I'm sure it's all very interesting, and I don't mean to sound like I didn't like the movie (I did, quite a bit)... I just had to pee, so BADLY. When we're pushing into hour three of a pure popcorn double-feature, the large Coke I started drinking during the fake trailer for Hobo With a Shotgun has had plenty of time to work its way through my system, and dammit, it wants out, NOW. Thus, I'm faced with a double-edged sword: "I can't leave and miss this dialogue...but why are they talking for so freaking long?!?!" Tarantino also seems to abandon the vintage cheap film look that defined Rodriguez's effort. The grain and discolouration are still evident in parts, but for long stretches, particularly in dialog-heavy scenes, the film looks pristine, like a brand-new modern day movie. That, of course, is exactly what it is, but when you're trying to be something else, you might want to stick to your theme.

It's those fake trailers that stop me from averaging out the two and slapping the double feature with a 4.5 rating. Grindhouse-style previews for movies like Werewolf Women of the S.S. (Rob Zombie). Don't! (Edgar Wright), Thanksgiving (Eli Roth), Machete (Rodriguez, again) and fan-made scene-stealer from Dartmouth, Nova Scotia called Hobo With a Shotgun. They're wild and inventive and hysterically funny, the cherry on top of an already excellent film experience. Despite its length, this is a movie it is impossible to leave without a smile on your face, and while these trailers may not be the reason why, they certainly help the cause.

Do yourself a favour: If you ever plan on seeing this movie, see it in theatres. Yeah you might have to hold it in as your bladder threatens to burst, but it's the way it was meant to be seen, and it's a hell of a lot of fun.

Delightful. Brad Bird knocks another one out of the park. There are so many brilliant moments in this film, my favourite of which is the way Bird manages to visualize the sense of taste, and the effect that combining flavours has on it. O'Toole's Anton Ego is an excellent character, and the plot climaxes beautifully. The animation is gorgeous, and the concept makes for a few very inventive sequences. A definite hit. Pixar never misses the mark.

If I were to talk to you about "the chase" in Identity or Supremacy, you would know exactly what I'm talking about (Paris in a Mini, Moscow in a taxi, respectively). This movie is pure chase, start to finish, with unrelenting action sequences that will leave you picking your jaw up off the floor. Visual cues from the first two echo the amnesia theme, and bring a great sense of closure to this consistently excellent trilogy. For a threequel, it's flawless. I just hope #4 doesn't taint the legacy.

Outstanding action comedy that manages to work as an over-the-top blockbuster while lovingly lampooning them at the same time. It really stands up to repeat viewings, because the jokes are hilarious, and there is no wasted dialog in the entire movie -- every word serves to set something up for later: it's very economic storytelling that you don't really notice until you see it a few times. The cast is terrific all the way through, especially Timothy Dalton. I find it impossible not to love this.

An intensely personal and ultimately heart-wrenching film experience. The movie is quite long, but never overstays its welcome, as our (anti?) hero moves from one great supporting character to another. Vaughn, Keener and Holbrook turn in exemplary work, and Vedder's soundtrack meshes perfectly with the long sprawling shots of gorgeous American landscape. McCandless is a flawed character, but Penn never paints him as right or wrong, caring instead about the lesson to be learned from him.

This movie gets crapped on for trying too hard to be quirky, but this isn't really a fair criticism of the script, so much as a reflection of its young characters. Juno (the character) does try hard: her hamburger phone is impractical and she gets a lot of references wrong ("Thundercats are go!"). The adult cast anchor the film firmly in reality, all playing honest, well-rounded characters. Bateman and Garner are particularly terrific, while Simmons and Janney bring honest humour to their roles. Cera and Page have a certain sweetness that makes them a treat to watch. There's a lot to love here.

Seth Rogen's star-turn makes for my favourite Apatow movie thus far. It works better the just about any other comedies out there (especially of the Will Ferrell variety) because there is honest sincerity behind these characters, and a good heart to the movie. Apatow has a real gift for writing the way couples fight, and gives his actors a good concept to improv off of (the beard). It's funny from start to finish, and packs a terrific supporting cast. The best romantic comedy since High Fidelity.

Wilkinson's opening monologue grabs you by the throat and Gilroy's debut film doesn't let you go until Clooney's in a taxi as the credits roll. The four leads turn in exemplary work: Clooney is the best he's ever been, Wilkinson is unshakeable and Swinton plays the bitch so well. The lasting image is of three muzzled horses, fixed in place atop a hill in the middle of an open field. It's not a subtle metaphor, but it is impactful. With Bourne under his belt, and now this, Gilroy is one to watch.

It's tough to pick favourites in this collection of shorts all set in different Parisian 'burbs. The Coens, Tom Tykwer, Alex Payne, Alfonso Cuaron, hell, even Wes Craven all turn in outstanding pieces. They're mostly stories of love from the city of love, and with a wide variety in style and content, there's a little something for everyone here. It's heart-warming and very entertaining. Very different, but sometimes it pays to try something new. Even the weaker segments aren't particularly bad.

The last of the Best Picture nominees I'd yet to see is ironically the first one I'll be reviewing:

Atonement reunites Pride & Prejudice director Joe Wright with his two leads in McAvoy and Knightley. For this reason alone, I wasn't particularly gung-ho about seeing the film. Some stuffy English romance from the chaps that brought you the last Jane Austen movie? No thanks. Luckily -- both for Wright and anyone with working man-parts -- the source material here is much, much stronger. McEwan's novel is densely structured in the way it examines and re-examines a number of key plot points from different perspectives, and Wright translates it to the screen with clear vision and sizzling performances from the entire cast.

The story begins in 1935, four short years before World War II, and the action here hinges on a pair of fateful incidents at the Tallis family mansion. First, a light romantic encounter between older sister Cecilia Tallis (Knightley) and the educated son of the family's caretaker, Robbie (McAvoy), which we first see through the upstairs window of younger sister Briony (here, aged 13, played by Saoirse Ronan, and later by Romola Garai and Vanessa Redgrave). They are the picture of young love, though unbeknownst to them, it's something of a triangle. Briony dotes on Robbie, in a naive school-girl kind of way. Seeing the two of them together breaks her young heart, and sets the stage for a second incident, which I wouldn't dare spoil. The three leads all turn in exemplary work, but it's the young Ronan, who scored an Oscar nomination for her performance here, that really stands out. Her heartache, young and foolish as it may be, is palpable. You can tell that she's probably "loved" Robbie since she ever noticed boys. For such a young actress, it's amazing stuff.

The film is divided into two halves, really: Before the war in 1935, and five years later, 1940, in the heart of the war. Robbie and Cecilia, once forced apart by Briony, are now held apart by war. Briony and Cecilia are now both nurses tending to injured soldiers, and Robbie is soldiering in France, retreating to the beach at Dunkirk to be evacuated. The scene at Dunkirk is worth the ticket alone. In a long shot that recalls last year's Children of Men, McAvoy walks the length of the beach in a single take, while behind him the retreating army makes its abandoned vehicles and livestock unusable to the enemy. It is an absolutely astonishing shot that alone should earn it a Best Cinematography Oscar. That the rest of the movie is equally well-shot and well-made helps its chances at plenty of others as well.

The score for the film is fantastic, and the rat-tat-tapping of type-writer keys that accompanies it really adds to the film's mounting tensions, and retrospectively stands out as one of the film's masterstrokes (it too will likely win the Oscar, but thanks in large part to Jonny Greenwood's brilliant work on There Will Be Blood having been deemed ineligible for consideration). Really the film's great strength is Wright's directorial hand, as all elements of the movie turn out to be incredibly well composed. The shot composition is top-notch, one fateful shot of the Tallises towards the end of the first act in particular (at night, in front of the house. You'll know it when you see it). The third act packs an unforgettable emotional wallop -- everything coming together masterfully to tell a story of consequence, the purpose of writing, the tragedy of lost youth and the strength of true love.

Still, I hoped for more. After swimming in the rich themes and social commentary of Blood, No Country For Old Men, and even Michael Clayton, I expected more depth to a World War II drama, especially one that continues to win award after award. It is a terrifically told story that is emotionally engrossing, but that's it. Yes, "that's it" -- stupid I know because that is still quite a feat in itself but...this year, this film is clearly a runner-up. I'd be disappointed if the golden man disagrees.

It's basically Anderson Does India, and while it doesn't match the heights of his best work, it's still incredibly charming and funny. The final message is a bit obvious, but the trio of screenwriters really nail the brotherly rapport between the three leads, and that alone gives the movie a huge lift. Schwartzman is terrific, and Brody proves surprisingly capable as a comedic actor. Great cinematography, and a neat cameo to start the film. "I love you too, but I'm gonna mace you in the face!"

Halfway between Dazed & Confused and American Pie, this is a big, raunchy high school comedy that feels a lot more honest than it should, given how absurd most of the situations are. It's total high school wish fulfillment (literally: Rogen and Goldberg wrote the script in high school and filled it with real people, starring themselves), but it's also very endearing, and very funny. The cops are the most unrealistic part, but dammit, they're also the funniest. Bill Hader rules.

Disney magic spills into New York reality, and the result is...well...enchanting. I said of 'Junebug' that one great performance does not a great film make. 'Enchanted' proves me wrong by building the entire movie on the back of Adams' radiating brilliance. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face through the whole duration. I'm almost ashamed of how much I liked this movie, but I shouldn't be. The best (non-Pixar) family film in years.

Visually arresting. Thematically the entire conflict of the film centers on "sticking with the mission" vs. giving yourself another chance, and if you follow this theme through to its implications on the plot, the third act is not out of place at all (it's also very much in line with Serl and Kaneda's character arcs). The cast is great and the special effects can't get enough praise. The camera tricks in the third act can be a bit much, but this is an otherwise excellent sci-fi film.

Mangold joins John Hillcoat in the ranks of modern directors who still know how to make damn good westerns. The score and cinematography are both quite good, but it's the acting that takes this morality play to the next level. Foster adds another formidable villain to his resume, but Crowe outdoes him as Ben Wade, creating one of the most well-rounded villains in recent memory. Bale hits all the right notes, and the chemistry between the two leads is dynamite. A fine film, and what an ending.

Surprisingly good. The movie, despite its bitter, world-weary crust, is quite sweet and affecting at the core -- made bittersweet by the true-life horror that befell Shelly before the film's release. My knowledge of her death hung a pall over the movie, made all the more tragic by just how strong a piece of work it really is. The comedy is nuanced, and the characters are all alluring, even when they aren't likable. Griffith and Jemison shine in bit parts, while Russell knocks it out of the park.

It's big, it's dumb, it's loud, yes. But it's the biggest, dumbest, loudest thing you may ever see, and I mean that in the most complimentary of ways. Extraneous subplots can't stop me from having a lot of fun with this movie. It epitomizes the summer blockbuster and all of its decadent spectacle, wrapped loosely around the Transformers "mythos". Shia is funny, and Fox is...well, a fox. A bit too much human stuff here, but this couldn't really be done much better live-action. Needs more robots.

Danny Ocean: "You shook Sinatra's hand. You should know better."

A much better movie than 12, this second sequel brings the boys back to Vegas and leaves the girls at home (because, after all, "it's not their fight."). When Reuben (Gould) is double-crossed in his efforts to get back into the casino business, the gang take aim at cut-throat casino owner Willie Bank (Pacino). It's not about the money. It's not about the score. It's all about getting even.

Unlike the first two, this one has no plans for wowing you with last minute plot twists. The twist is there is no twist, and after 12's disastrous change-up, I'm happy with the new direction. We jump straight into the action this time around, and though the movie does feel a bit long, the script is tight, and the movie is a lot fun. Soderberg flashes so much more style here than the previous chapter, and the return to Vegas is a big part of that. This is a veritably gorgeous film visually, packed with vintage camera tricks that lend the film a good 70s classicism vibe. I called it a grindhouse feel before, but that's not quite it -- more exploitation than anything. It's a throwback in any case, and it works, lending to the overall Vegas charms the movie has going on.

Cast-wise, Cheadle is finally given a few scenes to cut loose in (easily the most underused member of the pack until now), leaving Garcia's Terry Benedict as the most underused plot pawn this time out. He plays his role well, but if they're bringing the previous film's baddie into the fold this time out, I would have thought they'd give him a bit more to do. Affleck is brilliant in what little screen time he has to work with, and, as is to be expected in these films, he and Caan sparkle whenever they're together.

Turk Malloy: (as Virgil hacks an FBI datalink) "Are you in yet?"
Virgil Malloy: "I hate that question."

Like the second, the strength of the movie lies in its stylishly empty dialog. A lot of hot air, but it has such flow and pop that you just keep listening. The movie itself is much the same: stylishly empty. No complaints about that. It's puff entertainment, a solid way to spend a few hours in the summer cineplex. Maybe they make a fourth, maybe they don't, but when the script is up to snuff, casts don't get more watchable than this. Here's hoping.

Rusty Ryan: "Relationships are so..."
Danny Ocean: "Suuuuuuure."
Rusty Ryan: "But they're also..."
Danny Ocean: "That's right."

It's surprisingly effective given that it really boils down to a lot "screaming people jumping out of dark places" scares. If shaky-cam ruined Cloverfield or the Bournes for you, don't even bother with this, as it gave me problems here and I've never minded it before. The final act throws a lot of strange information at you that kind of clogs up the story, but when the shit hits the fan, the intensity here is unmatched. Strong action, and a very scary experience. Great horror on a small budget.

Gordon-Levitt's second foray into neo-noir in as many years doesn't score as huge as Brick, but it's still a very well-acted and efficient crime drama. Scott Frank, the man responsible for scripting just about every good Elmore Leonard adaptation out there, knows his way around the genre, and his directorial debut pulses with real danger and suspense. The story could be a bit more well-developed, but Frank keeps things simple and the result is satisfying, if predictable. Worth a look.

The movie was incredibly thrilling on the big-screen, but flops a bit on DVD. The visual experience is still marvelous, but the movie feels a bit flat without an audience audibly reacting to its most visceral moments. It's easy to look for some kind of racist War on Terror commentary in the story, but I don't think Snyder or Miller had that intent. The point is to be entertained, and for the most part the film does a fine job of that. Butler owns the screen with all the charm of a young Connery.

Moore doesn't entirely abandon his usual bag of tricks on this one, but he does manage to keep them on the shelf for most of it. This is probably his most balanced film, in that he didn't really need to make anything up to further his point. The Health Care system in the United States is a complete disaster, you don't need to spin it that way. Simultaneously funny and frightening. His trip to France is incredibly enlightening.

Tremendous modern horror with a strong comment on post-9/11 America and the way society reacts to tragedy and the unknown. The movie scores big points for its gut-punch ending, because whether you like it or not, ultimately, it's very fresh, daring, and harrowing. Viewed in conjunction with Cloverfield, it makes for a great horror double-bill (even the monsters are similar). This is an A-grade B-movie.

I hold this movie in pretty high regard, but it is important for me to note that I have never actually seen it the way it will be remembered years down the line, in plain old flat two dimensions. It was Go Big or Go Home with this one, and I went big, twice, getting the filmic experience that Zemekis initially invisioned -- in full 3D IMAX. Once for the spectacle, a second time to really deconstruct it as a film. That was the plan, at least. I have put off reviewing it for so long, because sitting back down that second time, I couldn't help but get sucked into the spectacle all over again.

Zemeckis has a made a film that likely won't play as well on normal screens, and especially not on DVD players. It's full of forced perspective shots on sharp, jutting objects -- perfect for popping off the screen in 3D, but likely a little lame-looking otherwise. To go off on a bit of a tangent here, there's an old SCTV sketch where John Candy is starring in a TV horror flick called 'The Contract' (in chilling 3-D!), which is not actually a horror flick at all, but rather just about signing a business contract. Candy has a pen in his hand and is swinging it back and forth towards the camera, making scary "oooOOOoooOOOooo" noises. It's pretty hilarious. The point of this story is that Beowulf will probably look just like that normally.

But, seen the way it was intended, Beowulf is a rather triumphant return to adult material for Zemeckis, having spent the past several years using this same motion-capture animation technology to make a pair of kids' flicks: The Polar Express and Monster House (the latter of which he only produced). The screenplay, co-written by fantasy vet Neil Gaiman and Roger "The Other Guy Who Wrote Pulp Fiction" Avary, makes a number of key changes to the classical epic. And you know what? Good. The film is much better for them, keeping all the action contained in one kingdom, and streamlining a few original events to fit with and accentuate this movie's theme. They've also injected a healthy dose of comedy to the proceedings, though it's tough to tell if all the laughs are intentional -- I like to think a line like "Many a men have come to taste my lord's mead" surely can't be serious, but you never can tell. An Austin Powers-esque sequence is especially memorable, where a naked Beowulf's unmentionables are kept unmentionable by a series of opportune camera positioning and foreground placements of both people and objects -- and even a well-timed mist to keep his crotch properly obscured. It gets laughs, but also works as a pretty thrilling battle sequence, whether our hero is wearing clothes or not.

And speaking of thrilling sequences, the film is packed with them. A dragon battle in the final act is simply eye-popping. It feels like I've used the word "eye-popping" a few too many times at this point to keep going back to the well (I haven't), but it's an apt descriptor, as the 3D version of the film was a veritable feast for the eyes. It might even be a better all-around movie than 300, as visually the films are about on par (Beowulf's cutting-edge technology making up for 300's over-abundance of style) and it actually backs up the visual smorgasbord with a real worthwhile story. Though, if anyone wanted to fight me on that, I wouldn't press the issue -- it's a close call.

All in all, the movie delivered on just about everything a theater-going experience should. It won't exercise your brain the way the rest of the winter awards-season fare will, but it is terrific entertainment that actually offered a real experience that anyone catching the movie on DVD will have sorely missed. If this is any indication of what this technology can create, Avatar is really going to be something. Can't wait.

Edit: Having now seen the film in 2D, I feel I must knock a half-star off the score. I still stand by my impressions of the theatrical version of the film, but seeing as it's out of theatres forever...

The cast is great across the board -- especially Hoffman -- and Sorkin fills our ears with sharp dialog. It's a little disconcerting that one man can do all this on his own authority, but it proves to be heroic in this case. Strange that this story isn't more well-known, considering it is a pretty big deal. I have to think a film is flawed however, when its climax is an action montage. Still, a very enjoyable movie whose actions cast a shadow over the conflicts of today. Worth the watch.

A fun show, and a must-see for fans who've yet to catch the band live. The Edge really proved to be the star of the show to me -- a rock solid base for Bono to bounce off of, the guy is nothing if not dependable. The 3D effects literally add another dimension to the viewing experience, and aren't just used as a gimmick like in "Journey/Earth". The playlist is pretty good too, though a few favourites are missing. A fun concert film occasionally bogged down by too much politics.

It's very campy, and the studio-altered story ("HAY GUYZ, ERRBUDY LOVES VENOM") clutters up an already convoluted script. But still, in spite of all its flaws (and sometimes even because of them), the film is quite charming and fun. This movie wouldn't have been received with half as much vitriol were #2 not such an outstanding film. It falls way short of that mark, but is still a (marginally) better film than the original. Over the top, sure, but very funny. Like Harry's pie, it's "so good."

Apatow's "Music Movie" is uneven, but still obliterates anything from Friedberg and Seltzer. Reilly's performance powers the film through its occasional lulls, and it's amazing how many artists he can perfectly impersonate while still keeping a firm grasp on Dewey Cox as a character. The movie itself suffers from pacing issues, and even at a two-hour running time it still feels like a lot was cut out. When it hits though, it hits hard, and the script offers a good mix of sharp wit and dumb humour. Tim Meadows is a real stand-out, that guy should be in more movies. His recurring joke is probably the funniest in the movie, and that's saying a lot. The songs are all quite good as well, and funny to boot. Solid.

I have a feeling I'll grow to love this movie in time -- I didn't think much of Talladega Nights the first go-round and it's since become an all-time favourite. For Reilly's sake, I think I'll be giving this one another chance, and soon.

Andy: "What happened...to Mum?"
Awkwaaaaaaaaaaaard...

Looking for a place to sit and clench your butthole for two hours? There's nowhere better than a theatre playing this brutally intense sequel to 2003's 28 Days Later. While Days drew a lot from the solitary terror of being the only living boy in London, Weeks leaves Jim behind, to broaden the scope and look at the "big picture" of the Rage epidemic. It's a different approach, and indeed a very different film than the first -- neither of the original's creative brainchildren have returned in active roles here, as both Danny Boyle and Alex Garland settle comfortably into the producer's chair while Juan Carlos Fresnadillo takes storytelling control (interesting to note, however, that the Boyle-directed, Garland-penned Sunshine also stars Cillian Murphy and is due out next month). Fortunately, Fresnadillo is up to the task: the movie couldn't start any better than it does, with Carlyle running out on his wife and away from infected, and when you see them coming, you really can't blame him for it. From there, we flash forward 28 weeks to the repatriation effort, as a US-led NATO force takes back the UK, one quarantine zone at a time. Of course, things don't go according to plan. ...They never do.

The problem with the ensemble approach is that it removes the protagonist, and the movie really lacks someone to get behind and root for. There are a lot of interesting characters here, and numerous strong performances (Carlyle is awesome of course, and I also very much enjoyed Jeremy Renner). The collective goal of the movie is to get Carlyle's kids out of London, and this would be fine if I cared much about them, but honestly, I couldn't care less if the twerps make it to the end or not, as its their pure idiocy that restarts the trouble in the first place. Byrne's a looker (so is Poots), and Perrineau is good but under-used (really Michael, you left the island for this?). There are a few too many jump-scares in the early going, and Fresnadillo continually uses flash-cut edits throughout. It's a bit of an annoying cheap trick, but I suppose they had to squeeze their pennies somewhere to afford more of those famous "dead city" shots (this time: Big Ben and the Millennium bridge). There also a couple times where the script fails to connect to the source material, like when a US sergeant says the virus "doesn't cross species", though it clearly spread from infected monkeys at the beginning of the first -- this, however, may be more an indictment of US intelligence than an error in the film, as it wouldn't be out of line with the script's comments on US foreign policy.

But perhaps I'm being too critical of a movie that I really did enjoy. It's a taut, tense and incredible ride that sees the big picture well and forwards the franchise in the direction it needs to be heading. While the ending isn't particularly surprising, it's still effectively chilling, and takes the series to another level. Days became Weeks, and Weeks will become Months. Personally, I can't wait.

Totally preposterous, but undeniably entertaining. The Unrated DVD has all the blood and cussing you'd expect from a Die Hard film, but please, disregard the kid-friendly theatrical cut. The script is very flawed -- every scene with Cliff Curtis is pretty terrible, and a jet-plane battle near the end is so retarded it nearly ruins the entire movie for me. But Willis is Willis (though he doesn't entirely feel like McClane) and his charisma powers the movie. For the most part, it works. Fun flick.

An unsettling look back at a time when people actually stood up against their government for waging wars they don't believe in. The people are inspiring; it's the government that's unsettling, that judge especially. The movie is at its best using raw archival footage, as the 3D animation of the trial is both tacky-looking and too current. It's a shame too, because when hand-drawn animation is used briefly, it looks superb. Still, it's worth a look. Very interesting and full of great characters.

I approached this rather tentatively, as I do with just about all horror films that come out these days, and maybe it was my low expectations, but I quite enjoyed this. The finale leaves a bit to be desired -- it's too standard for the high-level atmosphere and tension that precedes it. Still, there are some very memorable and awesome scenes, the acting is serviceable all the way through (Foster, Huston and Boone the stand-outs) and it's good for a few scares along the way. A bloody fun ride.

Surprisingly powerful. The second half is very emotionally moving, and the movie is not at all what the advertising sold it to be. I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing though, because going in expecting it to be something else really makes the gut-punch ending that much more palpable. The acting is very good, from both the youngsters and Robert Patrick. My only problem is that the second half moves a little too briskly, especially considering how sad it is.

Jeff Spoder: "No immunity for bullets, bitch!"

As someone who finds the show to be oddly amusing, I was mildly excited to take in this big screen adventure, but there was one chief concern: for a show that struggles to fill 22 minutes with consistently funny material, how could they possibly stretch it out to a full hour and a half? Now, I liked the movie, but I'm not a liar: it definitely lags at times, and the plot is so loose that the quick-fix solution feels like a major cop-out, no matter how funny it may be.

Lulls aside, this was a very funny movie that made me laugh harder than any episode I've seen. When the Reno Sherriff's Department is invited to the American Police Convention in Miami Beach, they pack their bags and hit the road, leaving Reno to police itself while they take in the sights and have some fun in the sun. Barred from the convention's hotel when their names are left off "the list", the "stupidest bunch of folks I've ever met who weren't actually retarded" are forced to become heroes when a bio-terror attack on the hotel leaves 2000 cops quarantined inside: Reno's finest are the only law enforcement left in Miami.

The movie works because it draws on the best aspects of the show and amplifies them: taking the base structure for any episode and stretching it bigger, better. Epic, even. It's the recipe for success in any movie adaptation of a TV show (even DuckTales [a-woo-oo]), and it works here. There are some clever cameos as well that draw big laughs, most notably from Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, with guest spots from David Koechner, Danny DeVito, Paul Reubens and Patton Oswalt. Best of all is Paul Rudd, as a Scarface-inspired coke dealer. It's a ridiculous character, and his performance pushes it over the top. Still, his are the funniest scenes in the movie -- his final scene with Oswalt especially.

Much like Tenacious D in: The Pick of Destiny, I can't shake the feeling that this film is trying to open up a film franchise for its characters -- a modern day Police Academy to The D's Cheech & Chong. The ending certainly seems to suggest a sequel, even if the suggestion is made mostly in jest. I'm not opposed to the idea. It doesn't seem like this one was particularly costly to produce, and it delivers some big laughs. With a little more consistency, it could have been classic. Maybe next time.

The Bourne influence is thick, and Berg directs with a combination of Greengrass's shakycam realism and Liman's slick, glossy style. While the movie is flawed, it packs some absolutely spectacular action sequences. Like Traitor, it tries to show the softer side of Islam, and while the intent comes from a good place, it also feels really contrived. The film is still very entertaining, with solid acting and exceptional action, but there's potential to be much better, especially with this cast.

Solid little revenge flick, as Jodie Foster comes full circle from Taxi Driver. The script is the typical revenge thing, boosted by some nice moments of gender-reversal. The movie doesn't put a twist on old conventions so much as play them from the other side, but watching Terrence Howard's man-cop, hot on the trail of our female vigilante heroine, start to fall for her romantically against his better judgement... Well, it brought a smile to my face.

Something is just a bit off about the film, however -- it didn't hold my attention the way I hoped it would. The violence is intensely brutal, and when the movie needs her to, Foster delivers some outstanding acting. The ending is a bit of a cop-out, but Jordan has a slick directorial style and the movie is ultimately worth the watch.

So cartoonishly over-the-top that the hero/villain dynamic is loosely modeled on Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam. Davis is determined to turn as many scenes into gunfights as possible -- delivering a baby, having sex, sky-diving...all while shooting the shit out of bad guys! After a while it's just desensitizing and I became numb to the movie, but it's still fun and imaginative, in a stupid kind of way. Starring Monica Bellucci as a pair of lactating tits.

Cusack's performance really elevates the movie above its standard jump-scares -- good thing too: outside of a small (but effective) role filled by Sam Jackson, this is largely a one-man show. While the movie isn't as scary as it should be, John makes sure it's always engaging. Hafstrom has a slick directorial style, and I think with the right script, he could make a top-notch horror movie. This isn't it, but it's a start -- the "mailroom demolition" sequence is particularly memorable.

Doesn't really make sense to the uninitiated, primarily because the opening narration does a real shit job of explaining this universe. It all feels very rushed, and the movie is too short to give itself time to breathe. It's just hurry-hurry-hurry from A to B, with plot points cobbled together from other fantasy stories. Still, it's entertaining and mostly well-acted. Iorek Byrnison is an awesome character, and Sam Elliott's Scoresby is the best special effect in the film. Better than Narnia.

Smith turns in a tour-de-force performance in what is essentially a one-man show. Unfortunately, the movie falls apart around him. A taut and compelling first half is wasted by a shaky second half and an absolutely terrible ending that beats you over the head with its preachy religious message. It's a shame, because it really seems like there is a very very good movie hidden in here somewhere, but this one is content to simply scratch the surface and move on. Still, it's visually memorable.

I had lofty expectations for this movie, based solely on the cast and how slick and stylish the trailer was. I will give it credit: it is entertaining. The problem is that it Lucky Number Slevin's itself by taking its absurd premise waaaaaaaay too seriously, and believing it's heavily-foreshadowed (and utterly ridiculous) switch ending to be a real surprise. It's not. Like Slevin, the movie shows all of its cards, but expects us to be shocked and amazed when it plays them. The problem is that they're shitty cards. Good poker face though.

The movie also peaks too early. The build-up to the shootout is taut and exciting. It's hard not to get jacked up about the movie's potential through the set-up, and when the fight goes down, it's just plain awesome. The problem is there's too much movie left afterwards that I just don't care about at all (they're shitty cards, remember). And for all the fun found in the heavily-stylized violence, the movie is at its best when it sits back and lets its characters breathe. These moments are rare, outside of Common and Piven's scenes together, but the two of them play off each other potently enough to steal the movie out from under the blood and guts.

It's a shame. The movie has terrific style, the colour palette is gorgeous, and I very much enjoy the way it introduces its characters like a live-action comic-book. The characters are all great too, and that they're brought to life by a stacked cast doesn't hurt. There's just not enough substance. When there is (see: all scenes between Common and Jeremy Piven), it's great stuff. Carnahan is talented. I only hope he puts those talents to better use next time out.

It misses the mark wide at times, and there are dull stretches. But when it hits, it hits hard. There are moments in this film that are pee-your-pants funny, but that's all it really is -- a collection of moments, and not a cohesive whole. It was a lot funnier than I had thought it would be, and Chris Parnell is especially hilarious (Will Arnett and Danny McBride have their moments as well). Worth a watch if it's on TV, but I probably wouldn't pay to see it.

It's not very memorable, but this movie made me laugh a lot more than I thought it would. Ferrell's extended on-ice dance sequences are hilarious, and he has a few zinger lines as well. Craig T. Nelson as "Coach" is brilliant stunt casting, but the movie gives us a great team of villains (Poehler and Arnett, real-life husband & wife) and does next to nothing with them. Heder is tolerable, and Fitchner is a scene-stealer. Decent fun, but the 'Ferrell + Sport = Comedy' formula is getting tired.

I actually enjoyed Lets Go To Prison more than I'd care to admit, and after a negative first viewing with this film, I gave it another chance and found it much funnier than I remembered. Arnett and Forte are pretty hilarious together, as is Chi McBride. Forte's script has strong moments, but it's uneven. And when it's bad, it's BAD. Considering we're in the middle of a slew of "get pregnant" movies, this is a bit of an abortion at times. But it has just enough big laughs to get by.

Johnny Storm: If we can't stop this, if it's really the end of the world... how are you going to spend your last few minutes?
Ben Grimm: Part of me would like to go out fighting. But to tell you the truth, I think I'd like to spend my last few minutes holding onto Alicia.
Johnny Storm: That sounds good to me. ... Not holding onto Alicia, because she's your girlfriend, not mine. I have no interest in her whatsoever. ... Not that she's not attractive, because she is. SO attractive. I mean, who wouldn't want to... Actually, going out fighting. That's what I'd want to do.

Consider me duped. Having so loathed the original, it would be seemingly impossible to imagine anything could have made me want to see this flick, but somehow, the teaser did it. And you have to hand it to whoever put that thing together, as it's a terrific piece of advertising, giving minimal dialog -- the bare essentials to give a general idea of the plot -- and showing almost an entire chase sequence between Human Torch and the Surfer. So well edited is the trailer that in fact, when this scene actually happens in the film itself, it pales in comparison to its promotional version -- mostly because of different soundtrack choices (that Jon Ottman's score is totally lackluster doesn't help much), but also because the teaser uses a bit of slow-mo to better emphasize the coolness.

Should I have known better? Without question, but suckered I was, and now I've seen it. Having said all this however, I was surprised at just how good the movie really is. This isn't to say it's fantastic -- anything but. It's just...for a sequel whose predecessor was utterly terrible, this is a fairly likable movie, even if it isn't a very good one. In fact, as a franchise entry, it's extremely solid and many of the original's problems have been fixed:

- The special effects (especially those for Reed's stretching powers) no longer look like they were rendered on an N64.
- The plot actually gives the team something to DO this time around.
- There is actually something at stake (the fate of the world, even).
- There is more than one action sequence.
- The sitcom stuff, which mostly fell flat in part one, actually works here. This is probably because:
- The cast actually has chemistry.

Really, the only thing holding this back from being truly enjoyable are the first film's unforgivably weak characterizations. You can raise the stakes all you want, but unless we truly care about these characters, we won't care if they're put in danger. Doom especially is just beyond redemption as a movie character, and when he's slated to be the franchise's main recurring villain, there's no way around it: the first film fucked up that badly. That, and no one cares if Alba's Sue Storm is in peril -- she's not here for the acting, if you know what I'm sayin'.

The movie is a bit like Reed's greying sideburns: sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not (the Invisible Girl would've also been an obvious analogy, but seriously, what's the deal with those sideburns. HOW HARD IS IT TO MAKE THEM GREY AND STAY THAT WAY, JEEZ). Example: The script makes fun of Johnny for wanting to slap corporate logos all over the uniforms. "Silly Johnny," we are meant to think. "He'll do anything for a buck!" (hilarity is meant to ensue). Later however, the filmmakers slap Dodge logos all over the Fantasticar, and include dialog confirming it does indeed have a "Hemi" under the hood. "Silly filmmakers," we can only think. "You must think I'm stupid." (hilarity does NOT ensue).

The movie never overstays its brief running time, but it doesn't use it to develop a whole lot either. The Surfer might as well be a prop for what little we are given of him as a character -- trotted out to look cool on command, and given only the briefest glimpse of depth so as to justify his "character arc". Blah. Even less is said of Galactus, which should be criminal considering it's the threat looming over the entire plot. Even basic questions like "Who or what is it?" go unanswered. It eats planets. That's apparently all you need to know. As someone who does know, however, I appreciate the brief glimpse of his true form as a shadow passing over Saturn's rings, and I also understand the need to change him to an energy being shrouded by a cosmic cloud. As a special effect, it looks great. A little more information is all I ask.

Still, the finale is more thrilling than anything in Superman Returns (a movie stuffed with character depth), and that has to count for something. Plus, it looks as though the Surfer will be getting his own movie, and with Alex Proyas presently attached to direct, there'll be plenty of room to expand upon things there. If anything, this should be a good thing. By doing as little characterization as possible, this movie could never screw up its characters as badly as the first did. I also like how they plan to continue using this franchise as a starting point for lesser Marvel characters who may not otherwise be able to carry their own movie: Tim Story hopes to bring in the Black Panther for the next installment. Me? I'm waiting on Fantastic Four: Curse of Howard the Duck.

The hunger has returned to Mr. Brooks' mind.
It never really left...

Such is the text that opens Mr. Brooks, a conceptually interesting film that gets bogged down in the intricacies of its plot. The performances are all good, which, given the cast (outside of William Hurt, of course), came as something as a surprise to me. I like Costner, but he's really not much of an actor. He's likeable playing variations of himself -- most recently in films like Upside of Anger and Rumour Has It... -- but here he really nails a character performance. Earl Brooks (Costner) is a wealthy self-made man with a picture-perfect life and family. Below the surface, however, there's a complete disconnect from humanity rooted in Marshall (Hurt), Brooks' Dark Passenger personified. You see, Brooks is addicted to killing. He's known in the press as the Thumbprint Killer, but he hasn't indulged in nearly two years. Tonight, he will -- and things will go awry.

Speaking of addictions, I recently got hooked on Showtime's Dexter (as well as the Jeff Lindsay novels on which it's based). Like Brooks, Dexter is a serial killer. Like Brooks, Dexter is thorough and intelligent -- it's why they both continually get away with it. The difference -- and the main reason this movie goes off the rails -- is that Dexter is naturally likeable. He indulges his addiction, but lives by a code of honour at the same time, only killing those it is beneficial to kill (namely: other serial killers). Brooks has no code. His targets are random. He simply gets off on killing. For a protagonist, this is a little problematic.

The script makes it abundantly clear that Brooks does not kill for pleasure, he kills because he is addicted to it, and it's an addiction that wears heavy on him. Having said that, I have no problem watching a film where the protagonist is not likable. This script, however, is not so willing to embrace the darkness as I am. The movie is at its best in the scenes where Costner and Hurt darkly bounce off each other; their characters are fascinating, their interplay immensely enjoyable. It's an unusual twist on the genre, to see one's inner monologue / split-personality play out onscreen while the rest of the world seemingly pauses in the background. If the movie gave them full focus, it would be a terrific film. Instead, we get glimpses of what could have been, mired by sub-plot after sub-plot, each more boring than the last. Their intent is to make Brooks a likeable guy by the time our two hours runs up -- to give him a nice end-game where we can sit back afterward and say deep down, he really wasn't such a bad guy. Really though, he is. ...not that there's anything wrong with that.

The opportunity to make Brooks likeable is in the scenes with his family, but the script bobbles this too. Marg Helgenberger's role as Mrs. Brooks is so inconsequential she may as well not be in the movie, and the scenes between Brooks and his daughter Jane (Danielle Panabaker, of Sky High and TV's Shark) don't make him out to be a very good father. He cares deeply about his family though, the script can't stress it enough. As an audience, we don't. At all.

Then there's Demi Moore as the cop on the Thumbprint case, going through a comically awful divorce and being pursued by another killer -- the Hangman -- who recently broke out of the klink and has promised to track her down for sending him there in the first place. Getting a little convoluted? That's the just the beginning. Moore's performance is fine, but her scenes feel like they're part of a completely different movie. Like Costner, she's making the most out of the material she's been given, but the script lets her down far more than it does him.

Finally, we have Dane Cook in what's likely his best screen role to date (not saying much). If he moved away from on-screen comedy and stuck to more serious roles like this, it might be for the best. He witnesses a Brooks murder and blackmails Earl into training him to kill. Not exactly a role that screams Dane Cook, but it works because it taps the same dark, manic energy that makes his stand-up work so well. It's just that it gives the movie another killer, and it begins to be too many after a certain point.

Overall I'm glad I saw the movie. The very ending is absolutely horrid (feels like the product of negative test screenings), and the script suffers more from split-personalities than its protagonist, but Hurt and Costner make it worth the watch. I had been told that this movie was must-see, and while it isn't that, it could have been. Instead, it's a worth-while look at squandered potential. Still, I salute the filmmakers for doing something different. Costner especially.

It doesn't hit consistently enough to be worth a full recommendation, but Seinfeld is Seinfeld, and some of the jokes are very funny. Others...not so much, but that's what you get when you try to juggle between playing towards kids and adults. Warburton's voice acting is loud and annoying, but there are a bunch of nice cameos in the vocal department. A bee and a human in a semi-romantic relationship is just really fucked up. It's enjoyable, but it's certainly not good.

How many montages set to inexplicable music selections can one movie manage? No Reservations is determined to push this question to its very limits. There is almost no story here because every time you think they're going to have an interesting conversation it turns into a stupid montage instead. Eckhart manages to make it decent, but you're better off setting up two TVs and playing Thank You For Smoking side-by-side with the Food Network. Breslin's wearing out her welcome, fast.

Dan Fogler stars as shamed ping-pong Olympian Randy Daytona, who must rise back to the top of the ping-pong world if he wants to help the FBI track down the man behind his father's death: the nefarious Feng (Christopher Walken).

All in all, the movie is not particularly impressive. It has one or two moments of comic genius, and a few memorable characters, but on the whole it's a rather forgettable comedy that barely held my attention. I saw the movie about two weeks ago, and honestly, I have to strain mightily to remember its plot. Thomas Lennon, of Reno 911! is particularly funny as Daytona's Olympic rival. Mostly though, it feels like a cheap knock-off version of Dodgeball, and you're better off watching that instead.

You can count the laughs on one hand. The groans? You'd need a calculator. The "drop the soap" scene is especially brutal. I almost threw up in my mouth at the announcement that "Chuck and Larry have been accepted as heroes in the gay community!" James is charming and does his best, but the scenes of Sandler's womanizing are horribly forced. The scenes of Larry's gay son are even worse. Ugh. The entirety of this score belongs to Jessica Biel's sweet-sweet ass, as its the only thing worth watching. Alexander Payne wrote this, what the fuck?!

Bit of a weird meld between live action and animation, with Freddie Highmore as a little boy who must find the treasure in his backyard to save his family home from destruction. Finding the treasure requires he shrink down magically into the world of the Minimoys and transform into a cartoon elf. Jimmy Fallon guides him through Candy Land, and Madonna shows up to hit on him a bit (yep, Madonna...and Freddie Highmore.) A bunch of other huge stars make inexplicable vocal appearances (De Niro, what are you doing).

Making things even stranger is the fact that this was directed by Luc Besson, and he has said it will be his last film as a director. What a sad way to go. Kids might like it, but everyone else...

Nicolas Cage and his hair star in their hairiest adventure since OH MY GOD LOOK AT HIS HAIR. The cheat "twist" ending is completely unsatisfying, and Tamahori ruins yet another movie with his plastic visual style. I have to wonder what contractual requirements forced Moore into this, because Philip K. Dick must be rolling in his grave. Next!

I don't even know where to begin describing this horrific monster. What a painful way to spend an hour and a half -- wait, this was ONLY an hour and a half!?!? I guess time moves slowly when you'd rather kill yourself than go on living watching this movie.

Remember Evan Baxter, Steve Carrell's character from Bruce Almighty? Sure you do, he had that one scene where Jim Carrey used the powers of God to make Evan flub his lines. It was kinda funny. This movie, is not. This movie also apparently does NOT remember Evan Baxter, because this movie could (and should) be about a completely different character. Evan Baxter, news anchorman, spends all of 25 seconds anchoring the news in this movie. We begin on-air with his co-anchor congratulating Evan on his successful campaign to become a congressman. They at the news have a surprise for Evan on what is apparently his last day on the job: a brief campaign montage video, stressing Evan's slogan "Vote Baxter and CHANGE THE WORLD." Well that was convenient.

I wish I had a dollar for every time they said "change the world" in this movie. I won't even take the whole movie (that would be greedy), just in the first 20mins alone. That might be enough to recoup my losses after watching this piece of crap for free. Evan spends a good deal of time locked up in his office worrying about how he will change the world. You would think it would be difficult to get elected without having ANY platforms, but apparently all you need to be a congressman these days is an ambitious tag-line. Convenient. Evan is so worried about it he turns to his wife, Joan (Lauren Graham), who asks him if he's prayed to God about it yet. Evan scoffs. "I don't think religion is for me," he says, or some stupid shit like that. But Joan of Ark is all "Changing the world is a very big task, honey. If were you, I'd be asking for all the help I could get."

So, unsure of whether or not he should sign on in support of a bill proposed by Congressman Fatt-Corupt (John Goodman, looking like it was stocking the snack table that put this thing way over budget), Evan looks to the sky and prays. And God answers...by pulling kooky juvenile pranks on Evan. Fun for the whole family! Evan has to build an ark, because there is a flood coming. There's some sort of Santa Clause thing going on where Evan transforms into Noah: God won't let him shave, cut his hair, wear suits or look remotely presentable. He starts out looking homeless and ends as Gandalf the Grey. Isn't it hilarious?!!? God also tells Evan about how people often misinterpret the flood story. "It's about coming together, two by two," he says. Yep, that's it. People coming together. Five people anyway, while God washed the rest of them out of existence. Genocide? No. People coming together.

Would it surprise you to learn that this movie cost an estimated $175 MILLION to make? And that's not even promotional costs. The only logical explanation is that handling and maintaining movie-star animals is incredibly expensive. But if it's THAT expensive, this movie should never have been made. Maybe they were banking on a built-in Christian audience to turn out in droves like they did for, say, The Passion? But this isn't about how tough it is to be Jesus, it's about how tough it is to be an American Christian. Somehow, the hardships don't ring in on quite the same level.

In closing: few laughs, ridiculous melodrama, overt religious overtones, TERRIBLE soundtrack. Did I say few laughs? It all comes down to one question: What Would JC Do? He passed on this sequel, and you should have too, Steve Carell. DON'T do the dance. Ever again.

One last thing: Another Daily Show alumnus shows up as the news anchor in this one: Ed Helms. According to IMDb, his character's name was apparently Ed Carson. I'm now waiting on Ed Almighty to round out the trilogy. In the spirit of this sequel, it will be about a man who leaves the news after 30 seconds to become an astronaut who talks with God. There are talks of actually sending Helms and Freeman into space (for the sake of realism), and the movie should cost more than $500 million to make.

Similar humour to 'Josie & the Pussycats', but not executed near as well, and its burdened with hyper-annoying chipmunk voice-overs. Both were filmed in Vancouver, but Josie's finale was in the Coliseum, while Alvin settled for The Orpheum. That pretty much sums up the difference in scale, scope and quality. Lee and Cross try to save it, but they can't. Anyone who paid money to see this is going on Earl's list.

I don't even know where to begin. This movie is so hilariously terrible, it's just overwhelming to try to sit down and pick it apart sequentially. Here, I'll just break down the plot for you with dialog that really doesn't differ a whole lot from the real script:

DJ: "Oh my god my brother just died in a gang fight and it's all my fault. It was his dream to pursue post-secondary education, and he's DEAD. I will live the life he always wanted."
Some black guy: "Welcome to Truth University, where everyone stomps the yard! Do you step?"
DJ: "When I step, people die."
Frat Guy: "Join our frat. We're called Theta-Nu-Theta. TNT, get it?!?! Fraternity is a brotherhood. Only through joining a frat can you know what it really means to be brothers."
DJ: "I had a brother once, back when I used to step. He died."
Frat Guy: "Whoa, cool it Debbie Downer."
The Dean: "If you don't break up with my daughter, I'm kicking you out of Truth University."
DJ: "No sir, won't do it."
The Dean: "But you're just a street bum! Your brother died!"
DJ: "Damn, hoped no one would find out about that. Guess I'll just be leaving before the final dance-off."
Megan Good: "DADDY NO!!!"
The Dean: "Fine, whatever. DJ, you're back in school."
Megan Good: "I know I can forgive you for this one day Daddy, but I don't know which. DJ, WIN THAT DANCE-OFF."
DJ: "I dedicate this yard-stomping to my dead brother."
A bunch of shirtless black guys on top of a mountain as the sun goes down: "Theta-theta, theta-theta. THETA! Theta-theta."

I'm not making this up.

Hilariously cliche. It's like an afterschool special for the college crowd, which is stupid idea to begin with. Anyone old enough to find this relevant will find nothing but laughs in the film's contrived melodrama. While it may be based on a true story, it has all the worst aspects of a made-for-TV movie. Paxton is gorgeous, and that's the best thing I can say about the movie. The acting is just atrocious. I laughed and laughed and laughed.

REDDDDD!!! I'd say "I Know What Killed My Career", but real stars can shake off even the worst of flops, and in truth, it was Lohan's hard-partying foolishness that did her in. Still, this colossal piece of shit didn't help matters. I expected a comedy rife with epic badness, but the 'film' (I use the term loosely) isn't funny enough to be classically awful. It's just awful. 5 points, all for the bionic limbs that need to be plugged in to cell phone chargers (now THAT is epic). BLUUUUUE!!!

A few members of the cast actually manage to be likeable despite the movie's wretched awfulness, and for that reason alone this doesn't get a 0. It's all you, Jayma Mays. It's all you.