2009 The Shit

Oh dear this was just awful.

Awful.

They'll Swallow Your Soul, Anything Else Will Cost You.

I was not sure how to rate this movie due to the system i use because crap films get 1.5 stars or less,boring films get 2 or 2.5 stars and okay watchable movies get 3 or 3.5 stars and well this movie is crap and boring but it is also watchable. Crap because everything about it was crap,boring because 99% of the movie is different strippers doing the same dance and watchable because i wanted to know what was going to happen. On top of all this it was also quite funny especially the scene involving the pool balls.

"When she says zombie you say how dead!"

I wanted to watch this because when i told everyone i loved I Am Legend they were like "Oh thats crap The Omega Man is better". Well now i can say "No The Omega Mans crap".

I was expecting this to be scary but it was silly and funny,Charlton Hestons hiding in his house whilst "The Family" celebrate bonfire night in the street. I think i would of gone to join them for a laugh. Also right at the start of the movie when Charlton Heston is driving around the empty streets i noticed a normal person walking around in the sun lol.

My husband must really hate me because he forced me to watch Mutant Chronicles all the way through,at first i was excited because it looked like it was going to be a good film but within ten minutes of watching it i wondered what i had done to be punished and tortured in such a cruel way. The characters were flat and emotionless. The storyline was weak. The special effects were average. My brain kept saying "Make it stop,make it stop".

This movie was cringeworthy! I am sure it must of been a Mills and Boon book in another life.

I watched this movie today and it was rated PG and i am sure it had been edited because i felt like swear words were missing and the scenes were patchy like a jigsaw with a missing piece. Anyway this could be the most unfunny comedy i have ever had the displeasure of watching,it sucked(excuse the pun). Its not scary,its not funny,the characters are crap,the actings crap. Its just a big pile of vampire crap and whats with all the f*cking sheep!?! Every movie i have watched today is full of bloody sheep.

Today was national Watch A Sheep Movie Day 2009.

I chose to watch Black Sheep.

This was like a horror movie made for little kids,it could of been an episode of Goosebumps. Next year i will watch Shaun the Sheep The Movie.

Did not enjoy this movie at all but at least there were no sheep.

Recommended by iamthethinman.

I decided to record this movie because Josh Hartnett is one of my favorite actors and Leelee Sobieski can be quite good in the right kind of movie too. I had seen this movie at Blockbusters but was not that interested in wasting my money on it but figured it was worth watching for free and i made the right choice because i would be heartbroken to think i had wasted my hard earned cash on renting this movie.

This movie just tried to hard to be a tearjerker,it was like it wanted to make you cry but with me it had the opposite effect and by the end i was laughing about how bad this movie was. The scenes between Josh and Leelee were reasonably believable but put Leelee with Chris Klein and they both came across fake and wooden and the romantic scenes between the two of them made me feel so sick that in one scene i actually started to gag (a disturbing scene where Chris Klein makes his way up Leelees body naming different parts of her after US states,her breasts were "New York" and "New Jersey",errr). Several other scenes made me cringe - Chris Klein giving a speech to a group of trees,Chris and Leelee pretending to play baseball with invisible equipment and the final scene where we see a ghost like Leelee spriting around the field. Oh and i forgot the mention the topless scene where we watch a shirtless waxed wooden looking Chris Klein drink water from a plastic cup,i am sure that made many a young girls heart flutter but personally i would prefer to see a shirtless Jack Black.

Plus how stupid was Leelees character Samantha,if your going to cheat on your boyfriend you dont do it in the store where his best friend works,doh!

This movies taught me something though - lifes is too short to be wasting my time watching crap like this,this could be one of the Worst Movies On Earth.

This weekend i watched Cloverfield and AVP - Requiem so i suppose it was also a bad weekend to decide to watch Monster Ark. To cut a long story short Monster Ark is the story of Noahs Ark,the animals went in two by two and all that,well NO this is the story of Noahs first ark,you know the one with the monster on!?! Well the ark crashed and got buried in Iraq and the story starts when a rather boring archaeologist,his two side kicks and religious ex-wife find a large wooden box and yes you have guessed it open the box and release the monster,WOW SHOCK and HORROR,well no horror because the monster is quite small,boring and not scary looking. Throw in a few soldiers who could not act in the slightest and what do we get? A sad excuse for a sci-fi movie.

The first half was boring,pointless with way too much religious talk,the second half was slightly better(a teeny tiny bit)but it still sucked.

Whilst watching the film it seemed very familiar and then i remembered Rock Monster another crap movie so i was not shocked to learn they were both written,produced and directed by the same person Declan O'Brien.

But wait its not all bad,i did have one small laugh,here is a quote from the movie - "We are going to the most dangerous place on the planet..........Iraq".

The Hades Factor starts with a quaint white house that is home to the Stickles family. The Stickles family are Sylvia,a dowdy uptight "I dont enjoy sex" housewife,Vaughn the husband who likes to masturbate on the toilet and Caprice the big breasted daughter who lives locked above the garage,she is under house arrest after exposing herself in public on several occassions.

One day on the way to work Sylvia gets a bump to the head and becomes sexually liberated,luckily Ray Ray the sexual healer played by Johnny Knoxville is on hand and he helps her along her journey by "sneezing on her cabbage". Now Sylvia is all set to begin her mission to help others to become sex addicts and she is armed with the weapon of (wait for it).......her vagina.

OKAY STOP clearly this is NOT The Hades Factor,a thriller starring Stephen Dorff,my Sky planners clearly f*cked up so after a quick look on IMDB i discover that this is actually A Dirty Shame a John Waters comedy. Being a big fan of the movie Pecker i decide to watch on.

It turned out to be the wrong decision because the movie sucked big time,it was crap and a disappointment. The whole movie was amateurish,nothing made it fun,not even the horny squirrels,the gay bears or the sexy Johnny Knoxville. I wish i had spent my time funching instead.

A note for British movie watchers - Watch out for the Kinga scene.

"It's not safe out! People are shaving their crotches as we speak. There is pubic hair in the air! Everywhere!"
"Don't you find it funny that every man in this neighborhood has a penis?"

For fans of Freddy Got Fingered.

This movie was a massive disappointment. How To Make A Monster was majorly flawed. The story is unoriginal and the characters have been used many times in many movies. There are no real surprises and no hidden twists,its predictable all the way through.

This movie should be re-titled How To Make A Monster Movie Suck.

I watched 5 movies this weekend,4 i had previously rated Not Interested,i ended up giving these movies 4 stars. The one movie i had rated Want To See was The Oxford Murders.......

Everything about this movie is bad,its incredibly dull and boring. I needed matchsticks to keep my eyes open after just 15 minutes. The plot is stupid,the acting is awful and the script is badly written. The characters are lame. The visual look of the movie is glum and grey.

Who did it,who the f*ck cares?

Tiffany could of killed this ugly bitch one handed.

Dolly Dearest is slow,awful,not scary,virtually gore free,boring and easy to forget. It easily could of been an episode of Goosebumps.

Chucky rules,Dolly drools. Long live Chucky!

100% a Marmite Movie.

When i told my friend that i did not enjoy I Heart Huckabees she was like "What! You must not of understood what it was about". What a condescending attitude. I actually did get the movie,it just wasnt for me. I would not say i hated it or that it was a bad movie,it just got no reaction from me,no pleasure,no fun,no emotion. I wanted to stop watching it after about 30 minutes but i always watch movies right to the end but it was the wrong choice,i really should of switched it off sooner.

Crap acting and unbelievable special effects.

Tom Cruise reminded me of The Mask in this movie,i think it was the crazy smile he had stuck on his face for the first 90 minutes or perhaps its just me being picky because i do struggle to watch Tom seriously since i saw the Oprah scene in Scary Movie 4.

Other things i disliked were -

a)the dialogue was silly..... "I swallowed your come. That means something".

b)the movie is too long,it could easily lose 30 minutes,perhaps a little more.


c)i didnt care about the characters.

Overall i found this movie boring and stupid.

"Welcome to the Twilight Cove,the most peaceful place on earth"....well yeah thats because everyone who lived there is now dead.

Guardians is about a secret organisation who protect the humans from monsters,vampires etc. Lets not beat around the bush or go into plot detail too much,lets get to the point......Guardians is garbage. Utter garbage. Crap characters,crap story,crap special effects. After 60 minutes i HAD to switch it off,i couldnt watch another minute.

This movie reminded me of a bad entry in the Eurovision Song Contest. I didnt enjoy the style of it and the story was nothing special,i found it boring and predictable.

Not my kind of film at all,i just happened to catch it on Sky movies and ended up watching it all.

The only good thing about this movie is Jennifer Tilly and despite her name being on the cover she is barely in it.

This movie was so bad that i can not be bothered to write a decent review for it.

The dvd cover looks good and the write-up makes it sound good but i was unimpressed with this movie,probably another movie where others think i have "missed the point" or that i did not fully understand. Oh well.

This movie get 0 stars.

WTF did i just watch? What a piss poor sequel to a brilliant movie. I loved the original and watched it over and over again.

Within minutes of watching Green Street 2 i was laughing(for all the wrong reasons),i could not believe my eyes. The movie starts where we see Dave one of the hooligans from the first movie in prison with two of his friends,they have been sent to prison for their involvement in the fight that occured at the end of the first movie in which their friend Pete was killed. Now what was suppose to be an English jail was in reality an American correction facility,with a blazing sun and sand on the floor. Instead of the pale washed out looking prisoners we see here in the real English jails these inmates were bronzed and built like bodybuilders. Add a few really dodgy accents and a five minute conversation about a woman shaving her bush,this is Green Street 2. The ending was so stupid that even the characters in the movie thought it was a joke.

This could be the worst movie i have ever watched.

For fans of movies with no storyline,no plot and bad acting.

This movie is two things - tits and gore.

Cradle of Fear stars Dani "Cradle of" Filth. In my opinion this movie is his own personal ego trip. Dani looked like he had walked straight off stage and into the movie with one exception........in this movie he was a great deal taller than he is in real life. The storyline went all over the place and at points i felt like i was watching a Direct Line commercial. The best thing about this movie is the title.

Having seen Dani perform many times i think its safe to say that he should stick to the singing.

EVERYTHING about this movie is terrible and for this kind of movie (giant insects attacking people in a large apartment block) it was very slow,perhaps it should of been about snails instead of ants?

The only reason i watched this movie was because it was about vampires and i love good vampire movies,sadly this was NOT a good vampire movie. At first it showed promise but it quickly went downhill especially when we see the vampires fangs for the first time or should i say Tic Tacs. Impressive dvd cover but thats about all.

This movie is one big quirky mess -

unlikeable characters including Jeff Bridges walking around dressed like Jesus

dialogue that comes out of the blue and does not fit into the movie,i sat there wondering "why did he/she say that just then?"

a sex scene that looked like it belonged in American Pie

The only positive thing i can say about this movie is that Bijou and Elle both gave good performances.

I have tried and tried to review this movie but no words can actually put across how boring this movie truly is because if i were to call this movie bland it would be the biggest understatement of the year. The characters are so hollow that they cant really be called characters and what can i say about the storyline besides from there wasn't one. Personally i reckon a group of film students got together and said "lets make a really crap film and see if it gets released,we will call it Funny Ha Ha because hey it will be really funny if some suckers out there actually watch it or imagine even funnier purchase the dvd" roll around on the floor laughing...........funny NOT.

Some of the Disney Channel movies can be quite good or at least watchable but this was just rubbish.

I know its going to be crap but i want to compare it to Zombie Strippers.

Update - lol i watched it and yes i was right,it was complete and utter crap,oh well.

Badly produced,historically incorrect,terrible acting,awful special effects.

Virgin Among The Living Dead is very badly dubbed (its hilarious) with ridiculous accents speaking the most stupid dialogue i have ever heard. It used the fakest blood,it was orange and the women had the most unusual ugly triangle shaped breasts i had ever seen. The dream sequences dragged on and on and were so boring that i almost fell asleep and started to dream. There was no horror in the movie (well not my idea of horror) ,whats scary about a zombie who doesnt look like a zombie standing over your bed waving their hands in your face? Nothing. I actually kept forgetting they were zombies because they looked and acted nothing like zombies,they look like normal people,at most they look like they could be on something. This should be retitled Yawn Of The Dead.

Predictable plot. Awful acting. Terrible accents.

This movie drags on and on without a great deal going on. Its quite a long and tedious movie and lacks almost everything. The character development is very weak and both of the lead girls are unlikeable. I wish i had marked this one Not Interested.

War Wolves starts off like any other war movie that is set in Iraq,a bunch of soilders playing with a ball. The scene is quite slow and really drags out but then all of a sudden the soilders are in a small town in the middle of a gun battle. Then stop.....for about 5 minutes we see soldiers shooting and a haunting image of a door.....then a bunch of locals appear,they look like savage beasts,you cant really tell because its all a bit blurry. Fast forward with no explanation of what just happened (we never do find out) and one of the soldiers is attending an AA meeting.

The movie plays like this all the way through,we never really know whats going on or why or even how. Whilst watching it i wondered if War Wolves was originally a TV series because it seemed badly cut and i felt like entire scenes were missing. The 3 werewolves,oh yeah did i forget to mention its a werewolf movie,are attractive with beautiful eyes,well they are beautiful until they start changing towards the end of the movie when they start to look like panto puppies. We never actually get a full werewolf transformation,its just dodgy pointy ears and stupid fake dog noses. There is one promising scene in a bar where the trio kick ass,if all the scenes had of been like this it would of been a great movie.

Unworthy shitty sequel.

Recommended by DrLappos and chozengirl1.

Difficult one to rate because it was not one of the most terrible movies i have ever seen but i was expecting it to be much better so the whole viewing experience was rubbish for me. Plus the acting was horrible.

I am a massive Lordi fan and have had the pleasure of seeing them perform live several times so when i heard about Dark Floors i was quite excited about it. Well my excitement was all for nothing. Dark Floors sucked.

Okay perhaps i was the wrong person to watch it because i find Lordi cute and cuddly so lets face it i was never going to be scared. The film was very much like Silent Hill,which i also did not enjoy. The scary miserable looking girl with long brown hairs been done to death in movies of this kind except the kids can usually act well this kids acting skills sucked "I want a red crayon" drone drone. Plus i personally would of liked the lead characters to of actually come from Finland not England.

I wouldnt even recommend this to other Lordi fans. I love Lordis music,i love Finnish films and i love Finland but this is a movie to miss.

Lame,very very lame. Oh and its boring too. Lame and boring.

Recommended by Deano78.

Well i cant remember the first one but i rated it one star. This one was almost as bad as the first one,very boring and the acting was terrible,also the storyline was flat.

Vile.....i am curious to watch the newer version now though.

If i had to describe this movie in two words i would use the words - predictable shit.

We have seen it all before many many times,a child could work out the plot. No twists,no nail biting moments,nothing. It reminded me of so many other movies about child kidnappings at least 10 other movies come to mind without even having to try and think about it.

To make things worse we have another shitty performance from Gerard Butler,he is naff.

I really disliked this movie even though its quite well made and features some amazing acting from Tilda Swinton. The characters were all vile and the storyline was quite slow and patchy,basically it was unpleasant to watch and at the end i thought what was the point.

Oh dear it really was not worth the wait,utter rubbish.

New Port South is one of the most pointless movies i have ever watched and sadly i had to view it twice because my son insisted on watching it with me even though i had already seen it. The movie never gets going even though all the way through you are thinking "Is something going to happen now,surely somethings got to happen". I cant really think of anything positive to say,from a negative point of view i did not like the style of the movie,i did not like the characters,i did not like the acting,i did not like the storyline and if i had to describe the movie using only one word i would use the word "nothingness". I kept thinking to myself "Did i miss something?". The review on the Sky tv planner said a student wreaks havoc and chaos but the things that the lead character pulls off are lame and babyish,everything about this movie is disappointing. At least my son enjoyed it.

I loved the first two Grudge movies but the third sucks. I disliked many things about the movie -

Kayako did not look remotely scary,she looked like a woman who had over done the face paint and the special effects were terrible

I laughed for all the wrong reasons,not because it was funny but because it was so awfully bad

The story is bland

Bad acting

We have seen it all before in the first two movies,we wanted something different

To get to the point i thought i was watching a Scary Movie version of The Grudge,it really was that bad.

Recommended by scottydgibbs and DrLappos.

So far Bronson is my second biggest movie left down of 2009 (it gets 2nd place to Green Street 2),i was expecting a gritty violent British drama but what i got was a theatrical panto! Why was the movie made so arty and theatrical? It really did it no favours. Knowing nothing about Bronson the man i thought i was going to learn more about him from this movie but i feel like we never know his motivations,perhaps i should of skipped the movie and read one of the many books that have been written about him. My personal opinion is that someone should have another whack at doing a movie about Bronson,it needs a complete make over that would make it more real and factual. Feel bad for Tom Hardy because he clearly tried his best and its not his fault the movie sucked,i saw him in Martina Coles "The Take" a few weeks ago and he was amazing playing bad boy hard man Freddie. End verdict - a chance to make a great movie missed. End result - arty crappy panto.

I didnt like how this movie was filmed and the fake accents grated on my nerves.....awful! Very disappointing.

Not really my kind of movie,this is another one my son roped me into watching.

I really really disliked this movie.

Not what i was expecting. For the first 30 minutes i sat there thinking WTF!

Okay not seen The Prince and Me and i had no intentions of watching The Prince and Me 2 but it was given to me for free so i decided to watch it.....its suppose to continue straight on from the last one but lead female character had gone from Julie Stiles who looked young to Kam Heskin who IS and DOES look ten years older than Julia,it really annoyed me and i couldnt see past this (plus the film was crap).

I was given The Prince and Me 3 too........

Run run run for your lives................

Recommended by INXSfan.

I reckon if we swap the n and the k for a p then this movies got the correct title.

I hate my husband for forcing me to watch this pile of shit just two days after forcing me to watch Crank...this is why 98% of the dvds we watch are chosen by me!

Dated and dubbed...not good lol.

Good idea that failed miserably!

Why on earth did i watch this?

Really boring kids movie. This movie failed on all levels.

The Dreamlife Of Angels just seemed pretty pointless.

Rotten,boring and pointless.

This looks great. Check out the trailer -

http://www.horroryearbook.com/544853/david-moodys-autumn-trailer

Update - i know this says 2010 but it is already showing on Zone Horror in the UK.

Really disappointed with this zombie movie,it was really boring and daft.