Avoid at all costs!

Undoubtedly, the worst film I have ever witnessed! Uwe Boll is the next Ed Wood! This is the only film of his which I've seen and a couldn't stand it. It makes a mockery of the zombie genre by refusing to apply itself to any of the usual conventions and ruins yet another video game for me. Uwe Boll I hate you!

In a nutshell, this film sucks! Why in his bid to ensure that he didn't simply go down in history as Quentin Taratino's sidekick did Robert Roderiguez decide to move into kids films!?! The very premise of this story is absolutely rediculous. The sight of Antonio Banderas trying to Kung Fu fight a giant CGI robot alone is reason to give this film a wide birth, but why the fuck did the makers of this tripe sink so low as to reduce Steve Buscemi to some nutter who rides around on a flying pig!!! And in the end, the villain isn't punished for his crimes! Career lows for every one involved, although as a gamer myself I did find it very funny to see Elijah 'I'm the greatest gamer who ever lived' Wood get an electric shock.

William Malone will never be a big name Hollywood fightmeister. The Reason? His horror films are always OK at best. This abomination, however, is not once oof them. Trying to take inspiration from both Se7en and 8MM, Malone takes an otherwise intriguing premise and restrains himself unexplainably. Although it does score points for originality and for killing off that annoying B-grade baffoon Stephen Dorff.

Ron Howard should be ashamed of himself! If you thought that Richie Cunningham had hit rock bottom with The Grinch then you'll absolutely hate this film. Constantly dynamic cameras which, like a child with ADD, never says still long enough for you to appreciate the framing, constant switching between languages so it's damn near impossible to keep up with the story and a mystery thriller plot which is ruined by heavy back story and direction that tries to play the whole film like Indiana Jones. In a word Bullshit! Absolute Bullshit! And in no way deserving of it's vast assortment of A-list actors, even if your a fan of the book, I advise you to stay clear!

One of the main reasons why 2004 was such a diabolical year for Australian cinema. This wasn't funny in the slightest and the attempts made to try and add humor were just pathetic.

Why Tim? Why!?! Whilst this is far from being as bad as the rest of this base-stock assortment, it should be noted that any film which requires an auteur like Mr. Burton to sell his soul and not lace it with his own individual style is destined to be a travesty. By Burton's usual standards, this is attrocious! It also enters the list purely for making Tim Roth look bad. Thankfully Burton has since redeemed himself with Big Fish, Corpse Bride and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, so I can't be too harsh on him.

I don't give a fuck how avant guarde Gus Van Sant think he is. To remake Hitchcock's classic shot for shot is blasphemy! That's right blasphemy: there's no other word to describe it. It also demeans the A-list cast, two of whom are favorites of mine who I'm happy to say have moved on to new and better things. I also have to why he'd choose Vince 'I'm the new Bill Murray and nothing like Anthony Perkins' Vaughn and uber-lesbo Anne Heche in the lead roles? Shite! Absolute Shite! If you want to see Van Sant at his best, then watch Last Days or Elephant, but burn every last copy of this disparaging remake.

The Rock gets his first English speaking role, though sadly the film very quickly becomes little more than a modern day version of Conan: The Barbarian. And who in their right mind would ever name their villain Memnon?

Stephen Summers' first Mummy movie worked because it played on a unique mix of classic horror, black comedy and a tribute to Indiana Jones. This however, fails in every aspect. As one of the few professional wrestlers who actually can act, The Rock is wasted in this film because of the overall lack of English dialogue for his role. Other than that, the film simply goes over old ground with a few new and different cast members. Nothing more. As a fellow classic horror fan boy myself, I can sympathise with Summers' desire to share his love of these films with the world, but what I can not tolerate is a shameless cash in like this.

I'd been wanting to see this obvious C-movie for some time with low expectations and in retrospect, I'm glad I kept them low. The very idea of a serial killing snowman is ludicrous in the extreme. I mean, when spring comes, that's the end of him, right? I suppose I should be grateful that this does try to make something worthwhile out of a christmas film, but I got to admit it fails in this venture miserably. The production design looks so manufactured that you could almost swear that this was a poor student production, the 1996 bad taste in film award goes to the film's pivotal mock rape scene and the way the killer finally meets his end is too ridiculous to even mention. Why do people fund these things?

Like the unwanted extra portions of an otherwise dilectable feast, Men In Black II at times seems like nothing more than a garbled collection of OTT bloopers garbled together with a storyline of some kind. This would not be the first time that either Tommy Lee Jones or Will Smith have starred in pieces of tripe but I expected more from Rip Torn...then again...no I didn't. Scores a star for an early appearence by the delicious Rosario Dawson.

One of the most successful Video games of all time and this is the cinematic tribute it gets!?! A shitty martial arts actioner that forces Raul Julia to slum in as a villain whilst Jean Claude Van Damme struggles with the English language and Kylie Minogue of all people fails to convincingly give a british accent. As a kid, I found this film enjoyable. Then I grew up and realised it had more holes than Swiss cheese.

As a KoRn fan, I jumped at the chance to see a vampire film that has the entire soundtrack written by Jonathan Davis. Sadly, it would appear that his music is the only worthwhile thing about this otherwise base-level film. Granted Stewart Towneshend does his utmost to be convincing as LeStat but he ain't no Tom Cruise and non-actress Aliyah is so useless that you wonder who cast her. Trust me, if you only see one Anne Rice adaptation in your lifetime, watch Interview with the Vampire. It's just plain better.

Where to begin with this mess? George Clooney trying to play Batman as q tribute to Adam West? Alicia Silverstone and Chris O'Donnell struggling to develop sexual tension through cold, uninspired flirtation? Or maybe we should go to the source: Arnold Schwazaneger. Hearing him utter the phrase "Freeze in hell Batman!" made me piss myself laughing. Well, at least Shumacher is slowly clawing his way back to crediblity with films like 8MM and Phone Booth.

Ben Stiller's first stab at directing is a clear sign that he should probably stick to comedy.

The Coen's shocked us all when they made this trashy, money driven remake. Until then I believed that they could do no wrong, so this rather poor effort was like being told that my favorite pet had just died. Not that I think Tom Hanks didn't do a good job of things, it's just that the remainder of the film is so disappointting. It's also not too promising that the Coens have yet to make another film since. Have the brothers of American cultural cinema finally lost their magic?..I hope not...

When will Jerry Bruckheimer learn that Nicolas Cage is NOT an action star!?! This strange action-adventure that feels like a hybrid of Indiana Jones and The Da Vinci Code relies so heavily on action and spectacle to get the job done that it very quickly becomes sterile and plastic, detaching the audience and reducing the film almost to a ritual. I have given national treasure two stars for briefly providing the suggestion that the film should go in a mystery direction allowing Cage to perform properly by using his brains over his braun and for cunningly exploiting co-star Diane Kruger's real-life infatuation for him. Other than that, I can't say this film will impress anyone (I myself come from a family of Cage fans and none of us were impressed)!

Billy Zane is not worthy to be in a lead role, even in a blatant B-movie such as this. If you do have the misfortune of watching this, look out for a supporting role by James Remar (ie. the only person to make this travesty even remotely watchable).

Superheroes and guns don't mix, especially when that 'superhero' in Tom Jane. John Travolta sold his soul when he signed up for this tripe and there are no escuses for it. None what so ever!

This first Punisher film is every bit as bad as it's remake, with the added abomination of replacing Tom Jane with Dolf 'He-Man' Lundgren, a man who can bearly speak his own country's tongue, let alone English! Shite!!!

This blatant Batman rip-off is designed purely for commercial purposes. Ben Affleck hasn't starred in a decent film since Shakespeare in Love, I've yet to see Jennifer Garner in a film I genuinely like and who the fuck made the Kingpin black!?! My biggest complaint is with Colin Farrell. His extremely over-acted performance as Bullseye makes me wonder how much he was paid to flounce about in that ridiculous get up. Mr. Farrell, you and I both know that you're capable of so much more. If I was Frank Miller, I would unquestionably sue the producers of Daredevil for every cent they have for what they did to this character because he deserves so much more respect.