Best Worst Movies

A movie so profoundly awful on every level that it attains some sort of mythic status. There may be no greater film to watch whilst tanked.

A movie put together by a man who apparently can't speak English, this comes across wonderfully in the script and the line readings of it's bewildered cast. A masterpiece of the awful. It also contains ZERO trolls. Love it.

The Citizen Kane of bad movies. This was the yard stick by which all other bad movies were to be judged. It's awfulness, mixed with Ed Wood's seemingly sincere love of filmmaking, lends it a charm that overwhelms me. I find it impossible to give a low rating to a movie so bad it entertains me more than most good movies, hence the top marks. The original "so bad it's good" movie.

If I could only name one scene that sums up the bewildering wonders that this film holds, it would have to be the soul baring scene where a young girl reveals to a confidante that she saw her father having an affair, something that has deeply upset her... neglecting to mention that earlier that day she also saw her now-cannibal mother eating her brother. That girl has unique priorities in family dysfunction.

I can't leave without also mentioning that the cannibal zombie virus is spread by one dude's dick. A chilling AIDS parable that beat Philidelphia by 4 years.

An advanced space-race/space-lifestylechoice (depending on how you view such things) known as Gayniggers, who herald from the planet Anus, on a interplanetary mission to search the cosmos for other male lifeforms to liberate from their female oppressors.

They find Earth (a world with a long history of men being pushed around by women, as we all know) and are horrified to discover the sheer volume of nagging taking place on the planet surface. Emergency measures are called for - which basically involves beaming down a man dressed like Bootsy Collins dressed in his pjs, and having him shoot every woman with a raygun. It's a carefully calculated strategic gambit that pays off because there are apparently only 12 women on Earth in this movie (a handful of gypsies, a few disgruntled fishwives and a smattering of prostitutes).

To celebrate their liberation, mankind throws a pool party which the Gaynigger occupying forces attend. To ensure that relations between the Gaynigger homeworld and GayEarth remain strong, they nominating one of their own to be a Gay Ambasador to Earth, a process which involves putting their fists into a floating brown ring, transforming the chosen one into a fat white dude because this is a form more acceptible to human beings. For a race that has taken to same-sex sodomy with little resistance (and judging by the pool party: an almost fervant enthusiasm), they are not really in a position to be judgmental. We're all gay now, so let's love each other, regardless of colour or creed! Alas this is not the case in this movie; a commentary on the inate hatred that dwells in the hearts of all men, no doubt.

Or the director just had a fat white friend that wasn't doing anything that day.

Another key moment in this sequence is the transformation from b&w imagery to colour (colour which may hew heavily towards pink, which seems a little on the nose, but that could just be my copy); clearly an homage to The Wizard of Oz because we all know how much gay dudes love that film.

A movie is nothing without a good cast of characters, and this movie... Well, it has characters. Rollcall:

ArmInAss, the loud rookie! Captain B. Dick, the leader! D. Ildo, the scientist! Sgt. Shaved Balls, the technician! Major Shitdick, the gayest of all Gayniggers!

Take that, Robert Altman!

This is a movie so subtle in it's message and imagery that it could be formed entirely out of a mist of perfumed water. A must see for anyone who likes their science fiction to be allegorical and cerebral. Or if you happen to live in the future where all women were wiped out and this is now some form of sacred, historical text.

Killbots Go To The Mall! This should have been the first in an Ernest-style franchise.

Killbots Save Christmas
After accidentally exploding Santa Claus' skull, the Killbots must work together to ensure Christmas goes ahead without a hitch! Children deemed naughty by their complex algorithms are reduced to a puddle of gore. Nice children get a satsuma.

Killbot Day Camp
Inheriting an old, rundown summer camp from an old man whose head they exploded, the Killbots must work together to give the kids the best summer of their lives! A competition with the evil camp across the lake culminates in mass-decapitations and the incineration of a forest.

Killbots Ski School
The Killbots enrol in a ski school in Aspen, their propensity for laser based violence causes an avalanche which annhialates the town.

Killbots Go To Washington
The Killbots affect significant political reform by burning down Congress and hoisting the President's severed head on a pole as a warning to all who oppose them.

Killbots - A Lifetime Oriignal Movie - The Dick Miller Story.
Telling the tragic story of Dick Miller, a mall janitor whose fateful encounter with a Killbot would forever change his life... because he's dead.

Killbot or Treat: A Killbot's Halloween
Mistaking costumed revellers for otherworldly invaders, the Killbots unleash a wave of unforgiving brutality upon a group of school children.