Getcha Popcorn Ready '08

1. "I think this clue could lead us closer to the underground tomb full of gold." (Stand around figuring clue out while pursuers get closer)

2. "Hmm... wait-- of course! (Plug in history lesson.) We have to go to (plug in famous landmark)."

3. (After a fairly easy journey to the landmark) "It's another clue. But what does it mean?"

4. Go back to step 1. Repeat until film is boring.

"Writer-director" Toilet Boll is as talented as he looks.

In The Name Of The King: A Dung Siege Tale is a lame, low-budget, slop bucket, brainless, dickless rip-off of every other fantasy epic ever made. Maybe I'm just spoiled on Lord of the Rings. Or maybe this movie is a piece of shit. After seeing this in the theater, I now know what it feels like to sit in Hell. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

Let us now observe a moment of silence for all the acting careers that have come to an end with In The Name of the King...






Thank you.

When Burt Reynolds first appears on-screen, I actually heard people in the theater laugh. I was too disgusted to see the humor. Claire Forlani, however, was totally laughable. Jason Statham's career is in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek. Ray Liotta is so fucking awful, it's depressing. He wears mascara and a leather jacket. Just the sight of him made me want a refund. John Rhys-Davies is in this, too. All of his LOTRfantasy epic clout just went down the drain. ...I admit, Kristanna Loken is hot. But so's a fresh pile of shit. I don't remember Leelee Sobieski being as crappy as she was here; then again, I don't really remember Leelee Sobieski. Ron Perlman is the only thing this movie has going for it-- and of course, Boll finds a way to screw it up. Perlman has 20 minutes of solid screen time to open the film, then gets locked in a cage where he will remain for the rest of the movie until being killed unceremoniously 30 minutes before the end. And, rounding out the all-star C-list ensemble is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

What the fucking hell is up with the plot? I won't go into detail-- because there ARE no details. It's totally garbage, along with the characters. The LOTR rip-off Krugs look and act like Power Ranger monsters. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

What the fucking hell is up with the crappy kung-fu scenes? Even Bruce Li would laugh at these fights. The overall action is so boring-- on the other hand, it matches the rest of the movie. Watch for the exciting climax! It was so doo-doo, I almost woke up to see it.

What the fucking hell is up with the camerawork and cinematography? It's disgusting, much like the shitty directing. Toilet Boll is one of the all-time worst human beings ever. I hear that he has planned a longer, 165-minute version for the DVD release. Unnecessary. The theatrical cut already feels like 4 hours.

How does Toilet Boll get people to fund his films? Here's a related question: Just how good is Toilet Boll at sucking cock?

In The Name Of The King makes Sci-Fi Channel movies look decent. Under no circumstances should you ever watch this big mountainous pile of Triceratops dung. A wise man once said, "just because you CAN make movies doesn't mean you SHOULD." That wise man was not Toilet Boll. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

One Missed Call does its best to live up to the original... but if you've actually seen the original, a PG-13 version simply will not do.

One good thing about One Missed Call is that all plot elements tie together in the end; nothing is thrown in as a cheap way to advance the story. And many of the elements from the Japanese version made the jump, which is either cool or lazy depending on who you ask.

The directing is typical horror-- it sucks. You'd think that if all of your friends were dropping dead, you'd be a little more concerned, but no, not Beth (Shannyn Sossamon). None of the characters are really built up anyway, so you're kinda just waiting for them to die.

Aside from a few Asian horror knock-off gray-skinned spirits, it's all standard jump-out-and-scare-you stuff. But if you're looking for blood and guts, be prepared for cut-away shots of facial reactions as you hear a kill off-screen, because this flick is kid-friendly.

Just watch the original.

Nothing can live up to the kind of hype the "1-18-08" marketing blitz generated. With that said... Cloverfield lives up to the hype.

I'd like to argue against the two major gripes about this film. (NOTE: These also apply to The Blair Witch Project.)

First: "Why would someone in a life-threatening situation keep a video camera running? No one in their right mind would keep filming at a time like that." Which is an understandable argument; it's just common sense to put the camera down and RUN. But think about how many times you've seen close-up footage of the World Trade Center attacks, and the subsequent horror and panic that followed. And as you watched, you don't think about the sanity and safety of the cameraman, because like the cameraman, you're too busy watching to think. ...In fact, it's those eyewitness accounts of the real attack on New York in 2001 that give the fake attack on New York in Cloverfield more credibility. In Cloverfield, a gigantic dust cloud from the toppled Empire State Building rushes through the streets toward the camera. Remind you of something? And if the Statue of Liberty's head lay yards away from where you're standing, tell me you wouldn't snap a picture or two.

Second: "Everything's too shaky. You can't really see anything." Okay, now if the guy actually stopped running to get a nicely framed, perfectly focused shot of a monster coming his way, that would be downright unbelievable. Let me get this straight: you don't believe a person could actually hit record on a camera during an attack on New York-- and if they did, they'd stand there patiently with a tripod? Give me a break. It's SUPPOSED to look like a home video, you jerks.


The cinematography, while seemingly very amateur, was genius. Each shot was meticulously planned out to look simple, yet builds drama and tension without the use of fancy edits, angles, or a soundtrack.

The characters are mainly introduced through the party at the beginning of the film. An ingenious storytelling device helps build the backstory between the two main characters, Rob and Beth, perfectly, and is a thread that runs throughout the film. And the acting? Well, a lot of screaming and panic, and some genuinely emotional scenes. Excellent job.

Beautifully written, ingeniously shot. Watch this film.

Rambo walks a very fine line between horror movie-style violence and exploitation. The film creates a dilemma: you want to enjoy innocent, mindless blood-and-guts violence... except it's not innocent. It actually opens with graphic real footage of casualties in Burma, and then proceeds to graphically depict murder after murder of 80% of its fictional characters.

One thing the film does well is keep the franchise's trademark high kill count. Fans of previous installments will not be disappointed in this aspect. Also, the film tries to employ the same flashback tactics that worked so well in Rocky Balboa-- only this time, it has lesser dramatic effect. The dialogue is mediocre and preachy and seems to try way too hard to give the overly violent movie some moral context.

If you are willing to ignore the real-life genocide that inspires this film, then you can enjoy all the blood-and-guts glory of Rambo without restraint. Also, you are an asshole.

Well done. I haven't read the books, but now I will very soon. The Spiderwick Chronicles feels complete and the story flows nicely. It doesn't force a bunch of characters and plot elements in, as a lot of book-to-film adaptations do.

The acting is good, except for a few dodgy melodramatic exchanges here and there. Freddie Highmore is great as twin brothers Jared and Simon. The voice acting of Martin Short and Seth Rogen are on-point. Rogen's performance is reminiscent of John Candy. And Mary Louise-Parker, while a great actress, is more importantly a serious milf.

Separation of children from their parents is a running theme throughout the film. As a result, the story is more deeply rooted in human emotion than you would expect from a children's fantasy film.

If you like jousting, honey, or well-rounded family-friendly films, see this movie.

Teleportation has come a long way since "stand in one place, hit record, hit pause, move to a different spot, hit record". In fact, the focus of Jumper is definitely not the story, nor is it the acting. It's the special effects, which are very well done.

Hayden Christensen is his usual moody, bratty, bitchy self. Samuel L. Jackson revisits Mr. Glass from Unbreakable while doing his best Sisqo impersonation. Jamie Bell is good, and Rachel Bilson exceeded my expectations. The thin plot is crap, the dialogue is awkward at times, and the relationships between the characters are unrealistic... but like I said, the draw here is the teleportation. Mark my words: the fight between David and Griffin will stand as one of the best of 2008.

"Now that we know who you are... I know who I am. I'm not a mistake. It all makes sense. In a comic, you know how you can tell who the arch-villain's going to be? He's the exact opposite of the hero, and most times they're friends... like you and me. I should've known way back when. You know why, David? Because of the kids. They called me Mr. Glass."

The pace of There Will Be Blood is slow, yet satisfying... much like a milkshake moving through a straw acroooooosss the room. And the ending is nothing short of BONKERS.

Daniel Dae-Kim is amazing in this film, as is all the other actors.. though Paul Dano didn't seem to age. The cinematography, directing, and haunting score are also key. Paul Thomas Anderson is a true filmmaker.

Whether you like bat-shit oil tycoons or bowling, There Will Be Milkshake is 2 1/2 hours of plain-speaking bliss.

I'm finished!

Semi-Pro tries to blend drama and romance with Will Ferrell's trademark random comedy... and it fails.

The atmosphere feels authentic, and there are a few humorous cameos (the Tim Meadows Russian Roulette scene), but the comedy mostly felt forced. This was almost Kicking and Screaming all over again.

Watch this if there's nothing else to see.

Classic Stephen Chow. REVIEW COMING SOON

Vantage Point uses a seldom-used storytelling technique to reveal its plot from multiple points of view. This is a +. But a main plot twist later in the film is so obvious early on that I actually had deduced it from watching the trailer. This is a big -.

Decent acting (especially Forest Whitaker) and creative storytelling halfheartedly disguise a weak political statement and a simple plot that all lead up to a rather bland ending. In all, Vanishing Point is a good watch.

I'm finished!

Surprisingly, The Forbidden Kingdom is less A Kid In King Arthur's Court and more The Wizard of Oz. For a Hollywood English-speaking wuxia film, this movie feels surprisingly authentic.

Though book-ended by some utterly doo-doo Boston scenes, the bulk of the film thankfully takes place in China. And, excluding the doo-doo Boston scenes, the acting is actually decent. Jet Li and Jackie Chan are great together, and their chemistry will make you wonder why they haven't worked together sooner. And thanks to Yuen Woo-ping, the fighting is far better than you would expect from a Hollywood-manufactured film.

Now, if you excuse me, I gotta go conjure up some rain.

Iron Man was by far the best and truest Marvel movie to date.

Secondly: At the end of the credits, there is a special secret scene that alludes to an Avengers film. Oooooooh. Nick Fury personally delivers a message to Tony Stark regarding the "Avenger Initiative". Sounds good, right?

WRONG!

Guess who Nick Fury is. George Clooney? Kurt Russell? Matthew Fox? Keanu Reeves? Brad Pitt? Daniel Craig? Josh Brolin?

SAMUEL L. FUCKING JACKSON.

That's right. It's Kingpin all over again. Nothing against Michael Clarke Big Bear John Coffey Duncan or Samuel L. Ezekiel 25:17 I Have Had It With These Motherfucking Snakes On This Motherfucking Plane Jackson, but I distinctly remember KINGPIN AND NICK FURY BEING WHITE.

Okay, just because there weren't many black characters in the comics doesn't mean they have to force diversity in the movies. It's not racism or discrimination-- THE CHARACTER IS WHITE, DAMMIT! You don't see Charlize Theron as Storm. I have an idea. Let's make a Luke Cage movie, starring Tom Cruise. Or how about in the upcoming Avengers movie, cast Seann William Scott as Black Panther. Silly, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I fucking thought.

I can see how Duncan's size and his acting chops COULD get him the Kingpin gig. But Samuel L. just plain doesn't fit, REGARDLESS of color.

The guy who proposed this idea should be shot by the guy who approved it, then that guy should turn the gun on himself.


Go see Iron Man.

I give props to the Wachowskis for trying to infuse anime-like visuals into their live-action adaptation of Speed Racer. There is also a strong sense of characters struggling with morality-- a trademark thematic element of both anime films and Wachowski projects. But the plot ultimately falls short. The awkward flashback montage at the start of the film helps set the tone for the next 2+ hours. ...That's right, they stretch a hyperactive Japanese cartoon out 2+ HOURS. That's gotta tell you something.

In addition, there is a The Marine-like scene in which characters discuss a pancake recipe, during which I felt like walking out of the theater. Not even the perfect casting and overblown CGI could save this movie from mediocrity. The story is too adult for kids to enjoy, and the characters are too cartoony for adults to buy. Good try, though.

Great CGI. Well done.

I really don't know what to write about this movie.

ALIENS!?!?

The Strangers has no plot. Zero. I mean it. It starts out with a couple who call off their relationship after a failed marriage proposal. But after those first 15 minutes, it's all jump-out-and-scare-you tactics, one after another after another. You just wait for people to die.

Why did I watch this?

Kung-Fu Panda drags a little, has a fairly empty plot, and tries too hard to be funny at some parts, but the uncommonly good animation, excellent score and voice work save this one from the jaws of crappiness.


Anyone else see Flypaper and find it ironic that Lucy Liu plays a snake here?

There is a toxin in the air... it's the steam rising from this pile of shit.

I should have known, M. Night. You had me at The Sixth Sense, but since then, all you've done is let me down. Unbreakable, Signs, The Village,... each time you disappointed me. But I always came back for more, each time fooling myself into believing the next time will be better. But no more, M. Night. The Happening was the last straw. You've hurt me for the last time. I'm taking the car. Goodbye.

Over the years, M. Night Shyamalan has slowly revealed himself to be a no-talent hack, his directorial skills rivaling those of Uwe Boll. This piece of crap movie serves as his coming-out party. Shyamalan tries to be Hitchcock; instead, he's just plain cock. Wahlberg, Deschanel and Leguizamo aren't Oscar-caliber actors by any stretch of the imagination, but Shyamalan's steaming pile of directorial skills manage to produce performances comparable to the black lady in Yo-Yo Girl Cop.

Not only does he suck in directing, but M. Night also sucks at writing, too! The plot for this film sucks, and the dialogue for this film is so bad, it left a vomit taste in my mouth. The one thing I found slightly enjoyable in The Happening was the realistic violence. The scene where the jeep hits the tree is pretty cool. But that's about the only good thing here; the needle in the haystack, the diamond in the rough, the corn in the doo-doo if you will.

To be fair, I didn't stay to see the whole thing. I couldn't. I walked out around halfway through the film-- right around the time the guy lies in the path of the lawnmower. Which mirrored exactly how I felt at that point in time. But, judging from the 60 minutes I did endure, I think it's safe to say a 1 star rating is not too sweet, not too rancid, but juuuust right.

This movie was good for what it was-- Matrix meets Equilibrium with a dash of Shoot 'Em Up (but not too much!).

The CG was excellent, but Angelina Jolie looked weird. They should've superimposed her Beowulf body into this.

The plot was kind of odd-- a textile factory loom giving out kill orders? Points for originality.

In all, a good watch.

Hancock is not your typical Will Smith film, because Hancock is not your typical, run-of-the-mill Will Smith character. Hancock is still cooler than normal, but there is a brashness about Hancock that his other suave characters lacked. Hancock's language is very salty; almost making a mockery of the PG-13 rating. Hancock is a drunk. And, apparently, Hancock has a secret...

Yes, there is a plot twist, which unfortunately feels forced and weird. It's like they had to tie everything together at the last second. And once you know the twist, it will become clear as to why Charlize Theron is not mentioned in the trailers.

You can always expect Will Smith to pick unique films to be in, especially in recent years: I Robot, I Am Legend, and now I Hancock. This is a different take on the superhero genre-- and even though the plot falls flat, the performances of Theron and Smith combined with outstanding CGI make Hancock another good Will Smith summer watch.

Every once in a while, a film exudes an unmistakable essence that harkens back to the days of Estaire and Kelly... a feeling of overwhelming exuberance not normally experienced from today's cinema. What the fuck?

Step Up 2 The Streets goes through the motions: rough-around-the-edges Andie gets one last chance to turn her life around. She finds her niche in dancing, and a love interest to chase. Alas, a series of unfortunate events causes the new life poor misunderstood Andie has built to crumble to the ground. ...But not to worry, her friends are there to cheer her on, and yay! They win a dance competition and all is once again right with the world. The acting is just enough, the dancing is cool, Briana Evigan is hot... uh... that's about it.

I've already spent way too much time on this review.

Excellent CGI, an interesting fantasy plot, impressive action sequences and great humor make Guillermo Del Toro my new favorite director and Hellboy II: The Golden Army my new favorite 2008 movie.

If it weren't for the 3D action, which is sparse to begin with, this movie would be boring as fuck.

Dibs on the mountain guide.

Honestly, I never gave a damn before; but The Dark Knight suddenly makes me wish Heath Ledger was still alive.

Once again, Christopher Nolan brings a much-needed darkness to the Batman franchise. As witnessed in the past, it's easy for comic book characters to be portrayed in a comic fashion; what makes Nolan's take on these characters so special is that he humanizes them. They are real. They are not only met with physical threats such as Magneto or Elton John-- I mean, Doctor Octopus-- but they face psychological hurdles within themselves as well.

The line between "hero" and "villain" is blurred to the point where the two words are synonymous. You witness Harvey Dent's journey from one end to the other, and back again; you watch as the Joker attempts to conjure the evil in all of us. And you see Bruce Wayne learn what it is to truly be a "hero". This film is far more than a superhero flick.

The action is great, and the acting is excellent. Heath Ledger leaves us with a critic-silencing performance that actually seems to capture the maniacal personality of the character better than Nicholson's Joker.

"We burned the forest down."

A less silly Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, your perception of Pineapple Express will improve depending on how many pots you've smoken.

Completely sober, though, the film meanders and is only held up by an uncommonly good James Franco.