Guilty Pleasures

Carl "Apollo Creed" Weathers takes well-deserved centre stage in an hour and a half of fun 80's macho guff.

Charlie's vengeful vigilante(read: homicidal nutcase) returns to the Big Apple to sort out some very bad dudes who are giving his mate Martin Balsam a hard time. Michael Winner directs it like a play-fight in the playground, Charlie buys a Magnum the size of a suitcase and Jimmy Page has a horrendous off-day on the synth-heavy soundtrack. Ace piano motif over the titles though.

Defies any kind of critical analysis. Memorable scenes include Richard Harrison running up a hill for the sole purpose of shouting "NINJA!"; a car chase involving two identical cars; an unintentionally hilarious encounter with rollerskating Ninjas and a final fight scene where the main baddie is foiled by some lentils. Timeless.

Sly/Balboa overcomes monumental odds once more, this time squaring up to Dolph Lundgren's peroxide flattop in a reaganite's wet-dream of a movie. James Brown's "Living In America", anyone?

Van Damne may be the cover star here, but he's only a bit-part heavy in this poor man's "Karate Kid" playing the none-too-stereotypically-named "IVAN THE RUSSIAN". The plot involves a bullied kid invoking the help of Bruce Lee's ghost (honest) to overcome his tormentors. There's an awesome , shameless rip-off of "Axel F" that plays about half way through.

I must've been a right redneck as a kid 'cos I couldn't get enough of this.

And while I'm at it...

Dave Bowie dons massive hair and sticks a cantaloup down the front of his strides in another bit of endearing kitsch from Jim Henson. Features an array of interesting creatures (not least, Dave's goblin king) and a belter of a soundtrack. "You remind me of the babe!" Good times!

I remember reading a review of this which heralded it as "possibly the greatest exploitation movie ever made". It certainly ticks all the boxes of the 80's action movie genre and then some. Swizzle plays Dalton, "the best bouncer in the business" who gives us a blackboard lesson on how to "be nice" before ripping out a baddie's windpipe with his fingers. The fisticuffs are in free-flow, Sam Elliott is great fun as Dalton's old pal: Wade Garrett and it sports a decent bluesy soundtrack by Jeff Healey and his band. Not content with just being the action star though, Swizzle puts his tuppence in for the tunes too: singing two numbers, one snappily titled "Raising Hell (In Heaven Tonight)". I found the "Road House" soundtrack on vinyl in a charity shop for 10p a wee while ago and was well chuffed.

John Carpenter heading quickly for "The Crap Years". Still, he managed to knock out this noisy, day-glo coloured romp which has endured as a classic lads movie. Carpenter perennial Kurt Russell has a right laugh as the boorish trucker hero, Jack Burton, all swagger and growls as he hurtles from one outlandish action set-piece to another. Sample quote: "Ready, Jack?" "I was born ready!"

Late entry into "Enter The Dragon" director Bob Clouse's kung fu canon. Absolute balderdash of course, but this was one of the first films I ever saw drunk. It was on late-night TV and I convinced myself so much of its brilliance I spent ages trying to track it down on VHS. Lessons to be learned, Rosco Bear. Another fact: blonde lead Kurt Thomas received a Razzle for "Worst New Star" for his efforts.

There doesn't appear to be a box next to this, but it's guaranteed to have a drawing on the cover. Maybe it's just so bad they won't print it. This is the kind of direct-to-video actioner I used to love to re-enact as a kid, pretending my mate's garden was a jungle in deepest 'Nam while toting plastic machine guns. In fact, the protagonist from this seems to have one of my "anything-proof vests" (bullet-proof was no use against grenades)which I came up with during one such melee. Reb Brown starred in a few of these movies, but this one is notable for an amusing fight scene with a bear-like Russian (those commies didn't half get around in the '80's) who repeatedly taunts him with the legend: "AMERICANSKI!" before engaging our hero in a headbutt battle. Sigh. Those were simpler times.

The makers of "Rambo" would've certainly been eyeing this lunk-headed flag-waver of a movie from Ted Kotcheff as they bounced round ideas for their sequel. Gene Hackman's veteran officer rounds up a reliably rag-tag band of mercenaries for a deadly (dodgy?) mission to rescue a group of P.O.W.'s in 'Nam which may include (gasp) his own son. The clandestine, privately financed mission is dubious in it's legality, morality and especially it's credibility- and theres a laugh-out-loud moment as Hackman vehemently disclaims "This time... no one can dispute the rightness of what we're doing!" Alas, if you can put your brain on standby for a while there's fun to be had. The team are a right laugh, particularly the ever reliable, ever haggard Fred Ward and Tim Thomerson. A young P. Swizzle appears as a rookie Sergeant in the amusing, "Dirty Dozen"-esque training scenes. "Raising Arizona"s Randall "Tex" Cobb has another memorable role as a nutty fighting machine. Heck, Reb Brown's even in this one, too.

Chop socky (and schlocky) trash-fest that can evidently only be shown after 1am on telly in case anyone sensible might see it. Poor old Sho Kosugi got lumbered with some tat in his time but this one must take the biscuit. Mind you, I first saw it after several hours drinking and at the time felt it could rival "Citizen Kane" in the echelons of classic cinema. Theres a lesson here...

I got this on a Chuck Norris VHS double bill with the superior "Code of Silence". The stock "lone cop versus crimelord and his private army" storyline builds up to the inevitable final fight, pitting Norris (jeans, vest and headband) versus David "Kung Fu" Carradine (slacks and a diabolical golf sweater). Ticks all the genre convention boxes with aplomb, especially with regards to the baddie's midget sidekick and some captain-harrassed by-hotheaded-maverick scenes to rate with the best of 'em.

Rudy Ray Moore's blaxploitation creation Dolemite is the stuff of true cult legend. This second outing tops the original with the addition of speeded up fight scenes (a la "The Goodies"), playful action replays of stunt scenes ("Oh y'all don't believe I jumped, huh?!") and a rib-tickling narration from our rotund hero. No wonder he was premier screen idol of Kid's dad in "House Party".

A bunch of daft students stumble across an Indian burial ground and "get got" by spirits from beyond the grave. Saw it on a pal's shoddy VHS copy and the wee swirly green spirit actually gave me a bit of a fright.

"A world light years beyond your imagination", allegedly. We're on planet Krap- sorry, Krull- and the princess has been kidnapped (naturally) by some invading meanies. Beardy Ken Marshall rushes to her rescue aided by Liam Neeson (sack that agent!), some poundstretcher special effects, Bernard Bresslaw, a friendly cyclops and Mark from Eastenders. Hard to believe this sci-fi silliness was directed by Peter Yates, the man responsible for the studied cool of "Bullitt".

Supposedly "adult" version of Labyrinth and it's ilk, to be placed in the same file as "Ghoulies" and "Critters". The best scene is one in which genial star Michael Moriarty dances around in his living room. For ages.

I missed this one as a kid- only got into it 'cos one of my pals at high school was harping on about it one day and I was well intrigued. He told me he'd once saw a movie where a bunch of thugs wearing animal masks randomly appear at a remote Aussie school and capture the class and their teacher (who turned out to be 80's starlet Rachel Ward), before taking them into the deepest outback. There, they have to resort to their most primal survival instincts to survive. I managed to luckily track it down on vid and found it to be a right wee gem.

Expressing admiration for self-styled "sexploitation" king Russ Meyer's work doesn't automatically make me a bad person, does it? After all I'm not a "Nuts" reader, nor a fan of Jim Davidson or Gary Bushell, so I can't be all bad, right? Anyway, my pal Jay taped this one off late night telly (good old Channel 4) while I was at Uni and we enjoyed it the next day over a few ales. The plot (ha!) involves a young hero clad in double-denim and his random road encounters with various large breasted women (including the titular "Supervixen") while on the run from ole' Smokey. Watch out for Charles Napier in a grumpy/haggard faced cameo.

Tommy Lee Jones enjoyed a brief hiatus from credibility with this implausible fluff involving a (thoroughly unconvincing) "Supercar". "Knight Rider" on the big screen, basically- complete with Man From U.N.C.L.E. Robert Vaughn as the smarmy villain and Linda Hamilton as the female sidekick.

"Godfrey Ho (cut 'n paste Ninja "auteur") and Richard Harrison (embarrassed star) strike again in a flick which manages to be even worse than "Ninja Thunderbolt". Judging by the two movies (and a whole host of others from the era), Ho seems to favour the "lets sellotape two unrelated ninja movies together and put it out" technique of film-making. One tale involves Harrison and his quest to find a ludicrously cheap-looking statue that'll grant him powers to become the "Supreme Ninja". The other features intrepid 'tec Jaguar Wong (stop giggling) fighting endless baddies trying to rescue an ex-ninja's sister, kidnapped by party-wig-wearing drug lord Tiger Chang. So far, so guff.

To be fair, this movie may suffer from having the lowest special-effects budget of all time. Check out the children's toy robot used as the hilariously unthreatening "Ninja Messenger". However, such fiscal drawbacks are used to create some hilarious quirks for the characters, as well as some moments of complete insanity. Harrison- playing Ninja Master Harry (you'll be glad to hear theres also a Ninja Master Barry) sports not only a s**tload of mascara and a natty camouflage ninja suit, but also an amazing tennis suit (when he's working out in non-ninja guise) which must be seen to be believed. And naturally, he possesses the ability not only to change from civvies to ninja attire in a puff of smoke, but also the swordskills to defeat any watermelons standing in the way of his mission. Ninja Master Harry is so tough he doesn't even flinch when he receives death threats over his novelty "Garfield" phone.

The other, "Jaguar" part of the movie contains one of the genres most feeble and pointless reasonings behind a punch-up. Ice-cool Jaguar asks a not-too friendly looking gang for directions to a restaurant. Mayhem ensues; Jaguar casually battering the thugs to a pulp before tersely demanding "Where is the restaurant?!" prompting the baddie to point- the cameraman panning to reveal said eaterie about two doors down from the fight. Had me in stitches for quite a wee while.

Other highlights include Harrison's girlfriend struggling with live "drunken" crabs in the kitchen (as he grimaces, admirably straight-faced in the next room, the least sexy sex scene ever filmed, dodgy dubbing of the highest order (even though large portions of the dialogue are obviously voiced in English) and a chubby red ninja who bears an uncanny likeness to Ozzy Osbourne inexplicably exploding behind Harrison in the film's final shot. Seen on medication, "Ninja Terminator" could be life affirming.

Another one I loved as a youth. It was titled "The Butterfly Revolution" on my unnecessarily bulky VHS ex-rental copy, that was far too big for my video shelf. (Remember them?)

This Jan-Michael Vincent vehicle was released in the middle of a wave of gang pictures ("The Warriors", "Walking Tall" etc.) and promptly fell off the radar. It's a shame because its a fairly nifty, action-packed flick with an uplifting theme of community spirit.
JMV plays our hero, Tommy- a seaman stranded in New York's lower east side after a scrape with a superior on his ship. Pretty soon, he incurs the wrath of the local gang- The Souls- who keep the neighbourhood gripped in a constant state of fear. Tommy boy is having none of that banter though, and decides to fight them in the streets.
The thing I like about "Defiance" is the way it bucks the trend of the traditional "lone vigilante beats insurmountable odds" plot gambit which was fashionable around the time (eg the "Death Wish" series). Tommy begins the movie as a loner, but he can't defeat the Souls single-handed. He can however, inspire the threatened community around him into action.
Underrated helmsman John Flynn (who also did another Bear favourite, "Rolling Thunder") keeps it simple, and opts for a refreshing realism for the fight scenes- which include an ace standoff between a steel-bar swinging JMV and four Souls on a basketball court.
As well as Vincent's amiable and down-to-earth lead performance, theres sterling support from Danny Aiello (who brings presence and warmth to what could've been a beige, bland sidekick role) and Art Carney as an aging boxer who befriends Tommy.

My uncle brought this down for me to watch when I was really young and I tried for ages to remember what it was called 'cos the ending was quite thrilling stuff. Kevin Bacon is a Wall Street tycoon who loses it all but finds himself (isn't it always the way?) as a bicycle courier in mid-eighties Manhattan. Tellingly, he only becomes cool after he loses the sensible yuppie 'tache, grows a mullet and begins favouring waistcoats. Larry Fishburne adds extra cred as rival cyclist Voodoo, and Roger Daltrey sings the atrocious theme tune.

The tagline for this early Jonathan Demne effort should've been "Get Off My Land!" Dependable star Pete Fonda plays the "peace loving" Tommy, who in the first five minutes is threatening motorists with a tyre iron and only grows to become more "fighting mad" as the film ensues. Can't blame the lad really: the slimey, strong-armed tactics of the businessmen harassing his family over land issues are pretty despicable. Plenty of enjoyable rucks between Fonda and suited heavies, a drawn out early death scene for poor old Scott Glenn and a bizarrely speeded up few frames of film with Fonda and son on a bike (think "Easy Rider" meets Benny Hill) make this one watchable. Don't think I can argue its superiority over Demne's later "Silence of The Lambs" though!

A film in which Judge Reinhold is an all-dancing, pretend cop and Harvey Keitel is a bank robber he duffs up using his dance steps. They really don't make 'em like they used to.

Another Direct To Video thriller, this one is quite good fun. Basically a chase thriller involving a cabbie (former brat-packer Andrew McCarthy) who comes across a huge wad of mob money in his motor and incurs the attentions of a sinister hitman (Scott Glenn) intent on catching him. Routine stuff, but the leads give it legs; plus we get a cheeky turn from TV stalwart John Glover as a sadistic torturer.

This duffer was a VHS rental hit with a lot of the lads in my year at high school, possibly more due to Ice-T's "Badassss TV" show that was on around the time than anything else. So hackneyed of plot (yet another remake of "The Most Dangerous Game" released shortly after John Woo's similarly crass "Hard Target") it doesn't sees to be able to hold permantly-bored-looking co-star Rutger Hauer's attention. At least we have the ever wild-eyed Gary Busey and Dr. Cox from Scrubs among the other baddies to keep us amused.