My Favourite Guilty Pleasures...

Ted: "Surely you can't be serious..."
Dr. Rumack: "I am serious...and don't call me Shirley"

Airplane! (known as Flying High! in Australia) is cinema's seminal spoof movie. It was decades ago that the capable, imaginative duo of David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker (ZAZ) wrote and directed what became, through my eyes, the funniest movie of all time. Up until 1980 when Airplane! was released, Mel Brooks was acknowledged as the guru of movie spoofs - with films like Blazing Saddles to Young Frankenstein under his belt. Apparently Mel Brooks viewed Airplane! and realised there were new kids on the block playing his game, and they were playing his game even better than he once did!

The three creators of Airplane! introduced audiences to an entirely new kind of comedy altogether. It combines sight gags, memorable dialogue and just plain random humour...creating unbeatable results! The film generated its own unique genre of comedy satire. Subsequently this style was to be copied and expanded upon in many different guises, both by its creators and countless others, but alas never again possessing the same freshness and appeal. The distinguishing feature is the sheer number of laughs incorporated into this film...it's almost sufficient to fill three movies! Breaking down just a minute of the film, you can literally find about 8 gags. They say you cannot analyse humour, but au contraire my friends...lo and behold a laugh count of about 500 an hour! Seriously, if you're not laughing uncontrollably by the film's ending you should check into a mental clinic, or get inspected for possible lockjaw.

Airplane! is ostensibly a spoof of the old, cheesy, terribly made 1950s disaster movies. Basically the almost non-existent plot concerns a perilous situation on-board a passenger plane. When a severe case of food poisoning breaks out, the crew are left incapacitated with several passengers becoming violently ill. Former war pilot Ted Striker (Hays) is the only hope for those aboard the plane. He must overcome the troubles with his former wife (Hagerty) and conquer his lack of enthusiasm to save the day. Along the way you'll find spoofs of everything from Jaws to Saturday Night Live. The plot is wafer thin, with no depth or attempt to make it more than just a comedy. The problem with most comedies these days is that they incorporate a bit of drama into the mix, fishing for a movie that amalgamates laughs and drama. The thing about Airplane! is that the creators want to make a comedy and nothing more...no drama, no seriousness. Just laughs and a never-ending flow of them as well. This is comedy done right, and even without much of a plot this is truly a masterpiece.

It's the gag density and the lack of gaps between the laughs that keeps this film fast-paced and thoroughly enjoyable. You will be wanting more when the credit begin to roll...I was certainly thirsty for more and set out to watch more films by the ZAZ threesome. It's not only the thickness of gags, but the actors that elevate this movie. Leslie Nielsen's impeccable dialogue delivery exalts the quality of this film astronomically. Before this film he actually did some serious movies. After this film, his career as a serious performer was destroyed. His deadpan nature can make you laugh just by looking at him. Heck, his introduction with a stethoscope around his neck will add to the already heightened urge to laugh. He steals the show. Robert Hays and Julie Hagerty have great chemistry whenever they feature in a scene together. And their dialogue is faultlessly written.

Airplane! deserves the appraisal and accolades it subsequently received. There are so many laughs included here that you will need to watch the film continually just to notice them all. I've watched the film repeatedly, and I'm still noticing new laughs. This is before sexual innuendo and puerile remarks became the foundation for humour. Maybe that is what's missing from modern comedies. Quite simply, you will never find a comedy that's more original than this! Check it out...immediately!

Bob Morton: "What are your Prime Directives?"
RoboCop: "Serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law."

RoboCop was released during a generation dominated by a studio obsession with futuristic science fiction action flicks. Prior to the release of RoboCop, James Cameron accomplished success with a low-budget old-school sci-fi action film flaunting muscle-bound actor Arnold Schwarzenegger portraying a killer robot in The Terminator. Even before that, there was Blade Runner and Star Wars - so it's safe to assert that sci-fi was the prominently triumphant genre throughout the 70s, 80s and beyond. Orion, the studio that distributed The Terminator, was more than happy to tackle another science fiction action film featuring an unstoppable cyborg...and found satisfaction when the script for RoboCop fell into their lap. The film's screenplay effectively masquerades as your customary superhero film in the same vein as Superman. Underneath it's possible to ascertain a far more complex multi-faceted production that wears several of its inspirations on its sleeves. This includes references to Frankenstein, Dirty Harry, Judge Dredd and Metropolis among many others. With a few similarities to formerly familiar films, the charm of this wonderful action flick continues to elevate.

It's the ideas that swirl around underneath all the action and killing (of which there is a lot!) that make this film interesting. Nevertheless it's an awesome action romp that still works well on the simple level of a superhero who is wronged, transformed, and ultimately rededicated to foiling evil. And of course, some of the robots and weapons are pretty fun - like those enormous cannons that the thugs employ to shoot up the city. The RoboCop firearm is just badass as well! Practically every aspect of the film remains virtually impeccable decades after the initial release.

RoboCop is set in a not-too-distant, non-specific futuristic time frame. The charm of the film is that no specific time period is disclosed. It could be 100 years into the future, or virtually present day. The film's central location is the city of Detroit that is falling apart as a consequence of crime. Police officers are unhappy with their work conditions, and a strike is in negotiations. A private organisation, Omni Consomer Products (OCP), eventually seizes control of local law enforcement to ensure security on the streets. Technicians at OCP begin developing a robot that can uphold the law and work diligently. Subsequent to a disastrous prototype, the technicians instigate a new program - the RoboCop program (therein lies the title) - as a follow-up to sustain the philosophy. When policeman Alex Murphy (Weller) is sadistically slaughtered by a street gang (one of the most brutal executions in film history), OCP technicians use his deceased corpse to manufacture a perfect cop with mechanical limbs and superhuman capabilities...a machine completely impervious to bullets and explosions. The results are highly successful as RoboCop begins abolishing crime in the city. However, RoboCop begins remembering some of his past memories and commences a rampage aiming for a goal of retribution.

Dutch director Paul Verhoeven contributes stellar direction to the production. Originally the director wasn't interested in taking the reigns until his wife talked him into it. Verhoeven seized RoboCop with escalating enthusiasm, seeing the film as a way of making keen annotations regarding the conditions of things in the USA from the perspective of an outsider. He conveyed an unyielding impression of pace and economy...with a few hundred litres of fake blood to compliment the action scenes. In addition to the ingenious creative concepts contributed by Verhoeven, there's the remarkable Ed Neumeier script that takes an enthralling look at a dystopian society of the future. Unfortunately, the film's marginal weakness is in the script. The film will surely be scoffed at by today's audiences. In tradition with typical 1980s action flicks such as those executed with Stallone or Arnie as the film's primary acting talent, the one-liners are badass but laughable. One of the film's principally stand-out features at the time was the work of gifted Rob Bottin who contributes special effects that still retain their 'wow' factor. Sure, some of the stop motion techniques look dated but they are still mighty impressive. The RoboCop outfit looks inspirationally spectacular. If that's not enough, the score by Basil Poledouris is truly wonderful. The theme is awesome! It sincerely delivers the correct messages and constantly portrays a sensation of exhilaration during the action scenes. Memorable themes are persistently absent from movies nowadays, and so it's revitalising to take a look back to when movie music meant something.

RoboCop is supported by an amazing cast! Peter Weller instantly perfects his role from his first line delivery. When Weller is placed underneath the elaborate outfit, all we see is his lower face. The filmmakers were apparently seeking someone with a strong jaw-line. This goal is achieved...and the altered, more mechanical voice sounds fantastic and perfectly suited to the corny lines assigned to the character. Kurtwood Smith is also very impressive as the film's central villain. Like many other aspects of the film, his performance will probably be regarded as laughable. Still, he seems evil and he does evil things. This is the period of the 80s action films in question!

Overall, RoboCop quickly earned a place among my all-time favourite action films. It's an extremely fun action flick that, despite all its predictability, delivers an engaging portrait of a futuristic superhero kicking arse and unleashing a one-man war on the bad guys. A commendable facet of the action scenes is that we can no longer criticise the appalling aiming of those firing at the hero. Instead RoboCop is hit several times...but of course cannot be wounded by bullets or weapons so he is able to continue his tremendous killing spree. It's a rare event to witness an action film of this stature anymore: instead the studios opt for watered down violence and kiddie action scenes to aim for a mainstream audience. RoboCop is everything one could desire from a hardcore science fiction action film. There's awesome production design, abundant action and plenty of opportunities for corny lines to surface while violence unfolds. In a sense it's a futuristic western that also borrows elements from other famous films. This is simply an awesome movie that is worthy of multiple screenings.

"Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he's behind bars. Now, let's grab a bite to eat."

By the late 1980s, the ZAZ trio (consisting of David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker) were officially the new gurus of the film spoof genre. Previously this crown was donned by Mel Brooks. After witnessing the ZAZ trio first flexing their ingenious comedic muscle in Airplane! (known in Australia as Flying High!), Brooks went on to make films like Spaceballs and Robin Hood: Men in Tights before retiring at long last. Well...it's a good thing he retired as he visibly became desperate for getting laughs and retaining his title. In the long run, his classic comedy cannot compare to the virtuosity of the ZAZ trio.

The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (known more commonly as just The Naked Gun) arrived subsequent to the ZAZ trio reaching fame with Airplane! as well as Top Secret!. These two aforementioned films followed one straightforward philosophy: spoof a genre, screw the plot, cram the frame with endless laughs, and voila - comedy masterpiece!

The Naked Gun is fundamentally a spin-off of the criminally short-lived TV show Police Squad! that was cancelled after four episodes. The small but loyal cult following ensured a feature length movie would eventually be conceived. This film is everything one would expect from a ZAZ product...it's a guilty pleasure loaded with endless moments of comedic genius. Whether it be sight gags, witty lines, Leslie Nielsen's deadpan performance or random madness, this stuff will have you laughing until you cry. Heck, it's impossible not to laugh out loud at least 20-30 times. You're even guaranteed several occasions of falling out of your seat...rolling around on the floor howling with uncontrollable laughter. Better yet, it never gets old. It holds up after all these decades and after repeated viewings. The LPM (laughs per minute) meter is so high that it's impossible to pick up everything in one screening. You always notice something new. Why? It's simply genius! We're not talking about comedy as in Jim Carrey overacting, or Adam Sandler saying stupid things, or mindless sexual references...The Naked Gun encompasses clever parodying of the highest order.

I doubt a plot synopsis is overly necessary, as everyone has either seen the movie or heard everything about it via word of mouth. Nevertheless for the sake of my reviewing traditions, I will provide a short one. Frank Drebin (Nielsen) is on the case of...ah, screw it. If you settle in to watch The Naked Gun for a solid plot then you're watching it for all the wrong reasons. Here's an ultra quick summary: the film opens as Frank Drebin thwarts an evil scheme conceived by the world leaders who represent enemies of America (Gorbachev, Arafat...they're all there). Then Frank is on the case of a possible plot to assassinate Queen Elizabeth II of England who's coming to visit Los Angeles. Frank is the dumbest lawman since Peter Sellers' Inspector Clouseau. During his investigation into the Queen's imminent assassination, Frank runs into every oddball situation possible.

The Naked Gun successfully spoofs the cop thriller genre. They have all the clichés such as an elaborate conspiracy, the hero being right all along, and even an interior narration as the hero expresses his feelings while close-ups of his feet reveal him walking through the streets at night ("The attempt on Nordberg's life left me shaken and disturbed, and all the questions kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a case of club soda. Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? [walks onto grass] And where the hell was I?").

The ZAZ trio possess an impeccable talent for this style of comedy. In essence this film is a facsimile of Airplane! with different situations and different characters. It's the same variety of humour that permeates both films. Naturally, it is considerably welcome. Many contemporary comedies are overflowing with ludicrous penis or fart jokes, but The Naked Gun has no time for these stupid gags as it's too busy progressing to the next adroit joke or pun (most of which are absolutely hilarious). For example, a violent crime is being investigated after an officer is found wounded in LA harbour. The police, of course, place a chalk outline of where they found the fellow officer on top of the water.

The film also plays on words very effectively. Like when Frank's date explains "I practise safe sex". This is followed by the two of them rolling around on a bed together wearing gigantic condoms over themselves. Or there's Frank's date proposing a nightcap to him, to which he declines with "No thanks, I don't wear them". There's also a montage of hilarious baseball game bloopers, such as a man catching a ball before getting mauled by a tiger. Does this make sense to anybody? It isn't supposed to...if it makes sense then the filmmakers have done something gravely wrong.

If not any of these gags, there's always the decimation of America's national anthem. Leslie Nielsen's rendition of the national anthem is hilarious beyond words.
Granted, some of the film's jokes have lost their potency. There are a few that hit and miss, but there are too many successful jokes in between that we don't notice and don't care. You'll still be laughing 'til you cry, so why would there be cause for complaints?

It's hard to believe that Leslie Nielsen's career started when he was a serious performer. The ZAZ trio had him cast in their 1980 film Airplane!, and from that point forward Nielsen would never be taken seriously ever again. He was surrounded by performers who had their moments of comedy genius, but the film lived and died by Nielsen. The same policy applies here. Nielsen's deadpan performance is hilarious! No-one else could possibly undertake the role.
Priscilla Presley is wonderful as Nielsen's love interest. Not much acting required as she needs to just look beautiful for the male audience.
There are also a few cameos scattered around the movie, like a short appearance of "Weird Al" Yankovic and O.J. Simpson (yes, that O.J. Simpson).

At its core, The Naked Gun is one of the most enduring spoofs to emerge during the 1980s. The ZAZ trio deliver nothing but non-stop hilarity and genius comedy from start to finish. The LPM meter may not be as high as Airplane! (which literally had 5 gags running simultaneously sometimes), but The Naked Gun is exceptionally funny on its own merits. It's not perfect by any means - in fact the lack of plot is irritating - however the fact remains that this film was produced to provide laughs aplenty and it succeeds. The film is your only opportunity to witness: the Queen with her legs wrapped around Leslie Nielsen's back, Gorby minus his birthmark, The Ayatollah's secret Mohican haircut, and a person dangling off a building holding onto a rather intimate statue figure. All in all, it's a balloon-sized laugh riot!

For fans of these classic 1980s spoofs, this film is a must. It will sit nicely in your DVD collection (or Blu-Ray collection...whatever is applicable) alongside Top Secret! and Airplane! as well as this film's two sequels. Followed by The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear.

"Guns don't kill people! But they sure help."

It is with much confidence that I can state that during my numerous years of viewing movies, never before have I beheld an action film's opening sequence tagged with a hero dispatching a villain by penetrating their brain with a carrot, delivering a baby during an intense, chaotic gunfight, then severing the baby's umbilical cord with a bullet before a rather comical profanity exchange using neon lights. If you're incapable of discerning what this film is about after reading the title and the opening sentence of this review...then you're in trouble. Shoot 'Em Up is a straightforward satirical addition to the action genre. For its entire 80-minute duration, writer/director Michael Davis has crafted a masterful action flick overflowing with silly over-the-top violence and ingeniously witty (hilarious) one-liners.

You know what the difference is between Shoot 'Em Up and an action film from the mind of someone like Uwe Boll? Shoot 'Em Up is a great bad movie...while Uwe Boll produces plain unadulterated bad movies! Boll is somehow so incredibly self-deluded that he sincerely believes he's creating an artistic and inspiring piece of celluloid, and that he's an "industry genius". Truth be told, Boll's films such as BloodRayne and Alone in the Dark are dull and uninspiring beyond all comprehension, not to mention they are also among the worst pile of faeces ever to be committed to film. On the other hand, Michael Davis' Shoot 'Em Up is completely 100% self-aware that it's a noisy, stupendous, over-the-top, leave-your-brain-at-the-door bullet-fest...and it's proud of it. It also only aspires to provide a simple fun time without taking itself seriously at all. This is why I can consciously enjoy Shoot 'Em Up and grant it an emphatic thumbs up, while absolutely detesting creations from filmmakers such as Rob Cohen, Uwe Boll or Michael Bay.

Immature, irresponsible, dumb and insane are just a few words to accurately describe Shoot 'Em Up. It's a film lacking a meaty, cohesive narrative, and it exists merely to exhibit a dozen or so outrageous, awesome action sequences. Astonishing violent and astonishingly stylish, this film is exhilarating fun! It's even complete with a blaring soundtrack featuring Wolfmother, Motörhead, AC/DC, and various other artists. Furthermore, our hero continually munches on carrots throughout the film's duration. The first time we see Clive Owen as tough guy supreme, chewing a carrot at a bus-stop, we know he means business. And yes, there are the obvious Looney Tunes references such as "What's up doc?" followed by "You're a wascally wabbit!". Davis probably inserted these references to remind the audience of the old-fashioned cartoon violence from the Looney Tunes shorts, as it's the kind of comic violence presented in this film.

While the film is primarily about action, it has its fair share of clever one-liners. For example, Paul Giamatti's Mr. Hertz is forever on the phone to his wife.
"You know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun."
Clive Owen is also given a number of notable moments, such as when he describes himself as "a British nanny, and I'm dangerous".
In the long run, Shoot 'Em Up is a whole lot of shootouts, sex scenes, and even a shootout during a sex scene. At one stage there's even a shooting gallery, with little time to breathe except for when the characters are reloading. Thankfully, though, Michael Davis has learned to shoot his shootouts (pun intended) in the best kind of style: so that we know what is actually going on (take notes, Michael Bay). In the long run, the film is an extended gun-battle with a concise running time that leaves you hungry for more.

It seems almost redundant to outline the plot. After all, if you watch a film with the title of Shoot 'Em Up searching for plot and thoughtful dialogue...you're in the wrong place.
More or less, the film follows the carrot-chomping, gun-touting Mr. Smith (Owen). Smith is a tired, apathetic bystander who witnesses a pregnant woman being pursued by gunmen. He reluctantly intervenes and gets in on the action. The woman gives birth to a child (during an intense gun battle) before getting killed in the cross-fire. Smith feels compelled to protect the newborn, and recruits lactating hooker girlfriend Donna (Bellucci) while the vicious Hertz (Giamatti) is on the hunt with an army of gunmen. Meanwhile, as Smith eludes Hertz's men, he tries to figure out why the tot was targeted and endeavours to fathom the full extent of what he's got himself into.
The film opens with the New Line cinema logo being shot to bits...it's an indication of things to come. The proceedings get underway when Smith gets entangled in a large-scale gun battle with deafeningly raucous music accompanying the extremely violent visuals. Needless to say, it seldom lets up for meaningful dialogue or a fleshed out story.

Clive Owen is excellent as the title character. Having this rugged, handsome hero in the film really elevates the overall value. Granted, Owen is at times quite wooden. But it's the point: he's a dead-pan character who shows little emotion no matter the circumstances. Like when he's in the middle of sex, he's interrupted by a bunch of hooligans with guns. Still pleasuring his girl, he grabs a pistol and begins rolling into strategic positions with bullets whipping around him. Never does he look remotely scared or threatened. After dispatching said gunmen, he casually remarks "Talk about shooting your load."
Paul Giamatti could be the greatest action movie villain since Alan Rickman as Hans Gruber in Die Hard back in 1988. Giamatti has witty dialogue to deliver and is oozing charm throughout. He's a pleasure to watch for every frame of his screen-time.
Monica Bellucci is angelic and seductive as the lactating prostitute. Her introductory scene shows her breast-feeding an adult male. This establishes her character very fittingly.
The acting from most of the supporting cast is pretty standard. Then again, this is just a straightforward action film where the grunts are dispatched within a few seconds of their introduction...so don't expect Oscar material.

As previously stated, Shoot 'Em Up is unreservedly self-aware that it's insane, ridiculous and definitely not a movie to be taken seriously for a split second. So, logically, it disregards the requirements of physics, character depth or coherent plotting all for the sake of having some fun at whatever the cost. The action scenes are deliberately as idiotic and unfeasible as you can imagine, but they're so exaggerated that there's always a sense of humour. This reminds you that you should be smiling instead of sneering.

If you can ignore the fact that the world of physics is completely overlooked here, you shouldn't have any difficulty going along for the ride. This is what makes Shoot 'Em Up such a fun flick. The shootouts are so outrageous and will have the audience laughing and cheering at the preposterous proceedings. Furthermore, the filmmakers have purposely made the special effects look awful. The sky-diving action scene is so ridiculous and looks so unbelievable that you can practically see the green screen. It's the point! Or when Smith's car flips over, then flips upright again and he isn't even scratched. The internal logic is meant to be nonsense. On these merits, Michael Davis has scored a winner. For its entire 80-minute duration it's a total blast! It's a bloody good, entertaining, nonsensical low-brow satirical take on the action genre. Lighten up, leave you brain and common sense at the door, and you'll have a great time! For those that hate the film...remember that it's supposed to be a completely stupendous, silly flick and it's 100% proud to be as such!

"The blood from your whole body goes to your head... it stops there... never comes down. But soon, it will come out of your nose, your ears, and even your eyes... and then... you will die... painfully..."

As we learn during the final showdown, the title Kiss of the Dragon is derived from a method of killing - it essentially involves the insertion of an acupuncture needle into a "very forbidden" point on the body, trapping the body's blood supply in the head which consequently triggers bleeding from the head's orifices and a very painful death via a brain aneurysm. Guess who's going to implement the Kiss of the Dragon?

Kiss of the Dragon was reportedly rushed into production due to Jet Li's fans requesting more realistic fight sequences. In the post-Matrix days of filmmaking, traditional martial arts movies are usually permeated with Matrix-style trickery to spice up action scenes. Thankfully, Kiss of the Dragon avoids falling victim to this unfortunate plague. This is old-fashioned butt-kicking martial arts material, using digital effects rarely and featuring wire-work only once. Unlike Jackie Chan who combines martial arts skills with comedic flair, Jet Li provides straight-up action minus any comedy - he's far more interested in generating an adrenaline rush. There is no deeper meaning to this particular movie; it's just professional, well-staged action filmed with a certain stylistic elegance.

Predictably, Kiss of the Dragon lacks a truly intricate story. This is a straightforward action affair, produced purely with the intention of showcasing Jet Li's talents as a martial artist. It admittedly lacks motivation and logic, but never mind. In a motion picture featuring physical action bordering on impossible, why should the plot be reasonable and credible?
Top Beijing government agent Liu Jian (Li) is sent on an assignment in Paris to assist in a drug-smuggling bust (or something of that nature...the whole plot is frustratingly vague). Not long after his arrival in France, Jian becomes the patsy when he's framed for a double murder by the ruthless French investigator Jean-Pierre Richard (Karyo), who has a limitless supply of henchmen at his disposal. Unsurprisingly, Jian escapes the clutches of Richard and goes on the run in a desperate attempt to prove his innocence. For the rest of the picture, Jian attempts to extricate himself from the (dodgy) frame-up, eventually developing a reluctant partnership with hooker Jessica (Fonda).

Kiss of the Dragon tantalisingly opens without a single drop of exposition in an energetic, sustained set-piece following Jian's initial arrival in Paris. As the plot arrives, the film grows moronic when the script refuses to explain itself. What is Richard's connection to the Chinese? Why has he bothered to abduct the child of an immigrant hooker as collateral when he kills everyone else? Furthermore, why doesn't anyone bother to dispose of incriminating evidence instead of locking it in a drawer?

Tchéky Karyo as Richard (a fundamental doppelganger of Sean Bean in GoldenEye) barely reaches the first dimension. During all his villainous acts of killing and barking strict orders, he forgets to have a motivation. What is the point of framing Jian? Why did he murder those involved in this drug ring of sorts?

As the thrilling action-packed ride unspools, the film appears to focus exclusively on the action scenes. The hero is a one-dimensional single-man army, taking on multiple brainless enemies simultaneously and always coming out on top. Horribly lazy plotting emerges when Jian and Jessica meet. We're not only expected to believe a top government agent has been framed, but also that this prostitute just happens to work the streets where Jian is temporarily residing. This is a coincidence of monumental proportions, and it's simply too ridiculous to be believed. Character development doesn't exist beyond a few cheesy emotional exchanges between the protagonists, and therefore it's impossible to get involved with the characters. Also, as Jet Li works his way through a buffed brigade of baddies with more and more elaborate martial jousting, it begs the question: why doesn't someone just shoot the trouble-maker?

Kiss of the Dragon was co-written and co-produced by Luc Besson, known for a number of past hits including Leon (The Professional), The Fifth Element, and La Femme Nikita (just to name a few). But despite the efforts of the usually reliable Besson, Kiss of the Dragon is a cookie-cutter of a script for a well-trodden genre. Clichés abound, and the whole thing is predictable from the word go. All action movies are predictable, granted, thus it's all about the execution. In this case the characters are flat, the dialogue is banal, and the gaps between action sequences continually bog.

First-time director Chris Nahon has managed to imbue the visuals with a satisfyingly dark and gritty tone; successfully utilising the Parisian locations to great effect. Veteran action coordinator Cory Yuen is responsible for the creation of a handful of beautifully choreographed and superbly performed action sequences. These fight scenes are genuine masterpieces, helped in no small part by the athletic Jet Li. The final result when stringed together, however, is watchable and exhilarating but ultimately somewhat forgettable.

Luc Besson is one of a group of French directors who believe that in order for a French movie to succeed on the international stage, it must be successful in the United States. Consequently, even though this flick was filmed in and takes place in Paris, virtually everyone speaks English. Mainstream movie-goers will therefore be none the wiser, thinking it's just another Hollywood production...which is precisely Besson's intention. It is absurd watching Frenchman and Chinese speaking English to each other, though.

Jet Li's performance is top-notch. Kiss of the Dragon seems keen to establish Li as the next big martial arts star. He oozes charisma and coolness, and he actually has acting ability (instead of someone like Steven Seagal, who's generally sluggish and might easily be mistaken for a wooden post). Not only is Li unbelievably athletic and able to perform kicks and thrusts with blazing speed, but his screen presence is likable.

Bridget Fonda makes an endearing companion who brings out Jian's humanity and becomes unintentionally involved in the proceedings. To the credit of the screenwriting community, there is no love interest developed between Fonda and Li. Also, predictably, Ms. Fonda isn't granted much in the heroics department... In fact, she's just there - a fundamental add-on with little genuine involvement with the story-line. Her screen presence is sufficiently amiable, but she more or less comes off as just a plot device to provide Li with an excuse to exercise his fighting skills for a reason other than exonerating his own name.

Meanwhile, Tchéky Karyo plays the role of the bad guy with aplomb; creating a type of bastard we'll have no difficulty despising. Burt Kwouk (of the Pink Panther fame) makes a brief appearance, and makes the most of his screen-time. Cyril Raffaelli is also given the opportunity to demonstrate his skills as a martial artist. In fact, on only one occasion were wires used for fight scenes - when Raffaelli and Li verse one another. Wires were utilised to slow down their movements as the two performers were too fast for the camera to track them!

Instead of being endowed with any real plausibility or any serious motivation for the events, Kiss of the Dragon merely offers a state of affairs whereby Li can showcase his skills as a martial artist...and he does a splendid job at it! The film's first ten minutes ran my hopes high. Had it developed a solid story, exhibited an ounce of credibility, or even delivered a quick dash of tongue-in-cheek humour, Kiss of the Dragon could have completely fulfilled its potential. Its auspicious premise instead quickly transforms into yet another action spectacle featuring comic-book heroes and sinister villains. If that's all you expected, you'll probably get a kick out of it. If you expected something more (Luc Besson did co-write the story!), you'll find Kiss of the Dragon a simple, mindless, enjoyable guilty pleasure (like I did). It gets the adrenaline rushing during the action sequences, but it's short on plot, credibility and characterisation. This is exclusively for dedicated Li fans and/or martial arts film fans.

"You know, since I've been here I've had four others like you. Strong, fast, young, they've all died, the last right in my arms. Before I go home I'd like to send one back alive."

"All fucking hell is going to break loose..."

Though I walk through the valley of shadow and death, I shall fear no evil; for lord John Matrix will protect me; his big fucking guns and huge muscles, they comfort me.

In the beginning, there was Commando. And the God of '80s Action Excess looked upon it and saw that it was good. And lo did Arnold Schwarzenegger massacre hundreds of mercenaries in displays of awesome ultra-violence, and Alyssa Milano did rejoice. Amen.

After the triple play of The Terminator and both Conan films, Arnold Schwarzenegger graduated to top billing with Commando; a classic '80s action movie which fetishes explosions, violence and guns, in addition to containing an assortment of evil villains, cheesy one-liners, big guns, bigger guns and enough dead bodies to keep a mortician's convention busy for days. It was produced by illustrious action super-producer Joel Silver and written by distinguished action writer Steven E. de Souza, not to mention that the primary star is none other than the iconic Arnie. On any level above that of red-faced guilty pleasure, there's simply no way to defend Commando. It's a gloriously primitive and cartoonish action vehicle which makes absolutely no bones about its absurdity. It never pretends to be anything other than a simple-minded exercise in vicarious violence. Its heart and soul is best summarised by a line of dialogue - a female character, while witnessing two über-macho behemoths engaged in mano-a-mano fisticuffs, exclaims "These guys eat too much red meat!"

Schwarzenegger plays Colonel John Matrix (complying with the First Law of Early '80s Action Movies, this is one awesome name); a former special ops soldier now retired and living in a secluded cabin with his daughter Jenny (Milano). Matrix believes his old life of violence, gunfire and post-mortem one-liners is over, but a former dictator is unwilling to let him rest in peace. Said dictator is Arius (Hedaya) who, with the help of the psychotic soldier Bennett (Wells), enacts a plan to regain power in the third-world hellhole he was ousted from. They wish for Matrix to do their bidding, and they kidnap his daughter to convince him to comply with their instructions. But there's one thing they forgot: nobody fucks with John Matrix.

It's the way Matrix dispatches with the villain's original plan and summarily devises his own that makes Commando so exhilarating. Director Mark L. Lester serves the action spectacle straight-up, with little aesthetic flourish, emotional bracketing or even downtime. The makers realised that Schwarzenegger's primal screen presence needs little accoutrement, and the action hero is therefore just given the opportunity to bulldoze through the narrative (and literally through a sporting goods store at one stage). Matrix is less a character than a force of nature, and the cutesy scenes meant to establish his loving fatherly nature with Jenny at the beginning of the movie are impossible to take seriously. Matrix only makes sense when he's armed to the teeth with an assortment of weaponry; blasting his way through hundreds of henchmen like an automated turret when given a line of immobile enemies to dispatch (there's no reason to point out how convenient it is that he has a limitless supply of ammunition, and seems to find bigger weapons just by looking down). Commando simply surges forward from action set-piece to action set-piece; pausing only for one-liners and shots of Alyssa Milano sneering at her captors. The film lasts less than 90 minutes, but one could spend two hours talking about it because it contains so much cool stuff.

Commando works on just about every level, but it's the script that makes it such a gem. Classic one-liners range from "Let off some steam, Bennett" (after a character is impaled with a steam pipe), "I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry" and the classic "I let him go" (after dropping some bloke off a cliff). Gold. Pure gold. Commando is the movie that helped to forge and solidify the Schwarzenegger action movie persona. At the time of this movie's release, the former Mr. Universe was known as a cyborg from the future and a loin-cloth-clad barbarian. He had already uttered the immortal "I'll be back" catchphrase (in The Terminator), and Commando immediately announces its self-aware silliness when Arnie repeats this line to the movie's central villain. This is just one of the many one-liners, puns and badass phrases peppered throughout the film; making the consciously bad dialogue second in volume to the number of bullets fired during the scant runtime.

Steven E. de Souza's script is pitch-perfect, Mark L. Lester's direction is immaculate, Matthew F. Leonetti's cinematography is beautiful, the editing is terrific and the score by James Horner is one of the coolest you'll ever hear (not to mention it gives even more power to the unique visual style). The acting, meanwhile, is spot-on right down the line. Schwarzenegger is enormously likeable and funny, and he's an awesome physical actor. Arnie reportedly performed nearly all of his own stunts (this included jumping through windows, doing gruelling fights and hanging onto a plane's landing gear as it travelled at 65 miles an hour), and the price was just a dislocated shoulder and some stitches...what a guy. Vernon Wells' performance is classic - the actor was fresh from Mad Max 2 and Weird Science when he stepped into the role of Bennett. The banter between Wells and Arnie is utterly iconic. Rae Dawn Chong as the token female confidently fulfils her duties, while Alyssa Milano is easily likeable as Matrix's daughter.

The action genre reached its pinnacle in 1985 with Commando. No movie since has been able to wield a proper combination of violence, awesome one-liners and absurdity like this vintage Arnie vehicle did. Flicks like this are an endangered species. With action movies becoming increasingly more complex (with less action set-pieces), this is a reminder of a simpler era of moviemaking. Sure, Commando could be called a dumb movie, but those deriding it with such harsh words are not accepting the film as what it was intended to be. Don't believe the film connoisseurs who claim that Citizen Kane is the best and most essential film ever - Commando is the film you MUST see!!!

I love this movie. I love it with an unhealthy obsession.

"Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex."

Amy Heckerling single-handedly created the "chick flick" genre with Clueless: this hilarious, creative, original and delightful teen comedy that launched the career of actress Alicia Silverstone (who unfortunately never capitalised on her success and is now treacherously skirting on "Former Celebrities: Where Are They Now?" territory).

Heckerling's Clueless is a modern appropriation of Jane Austen's Emma, faithfully paralleling the story in terms of plot and characterisation. Both Austen's original novel and Heckerling's 1995 film are satires of their respective societies, using the most suitable medium as a vehicle to convey their social parodies. Although Emma is now considered a canonical text, at the time of the initial publication audiences would have perceived the novel the same way as audiences saw Clueless. The target audiences for both texts contrast enormously: Emma being aimed at the upper class and the aristocrats of the patriarchal society at the time, whereas Clueless appealed to the female teen audience. The audiences that have been enlightened by both texts acquire an insight into the morals and ethics created by the characters in their different societies that possess a certain degree of poignancy and realism.

The plot of Clueless closely follows the formula established with Austen's Emma. Director Heckerling, who wrote the screenplay, employs the Bildungsroman approach to storytelling. 16-year-old teenager Cher Horowitz (Silverstone) is your typical high school student living in Beverly Hills. She's extremely popular at school, and lives off her father's affluence. Her best friend is a teenager named Dionne (Dash). According to Cher, her and Dionne "were both named after great singers of the past that now do infomercials". Due to Cher's charm and social status she has a distinct penchant for meddling in the affairs of others and manipulating people to her advantage, which she justifies by thinking she's doing them a favour. After hooking up two lonely teachers to boost her grades, Cher then undertakes her next "project": to take the new "clueless" arrival at her school, Tai (Murphy), under her wing to give her a makeover and transform her into someone desirable.

The indubitable highlights of Clueless are the various one-liners and clever satire that permeate the dialogue and the voice-overs. Heckerling frequently employs hyperboles to provide a viewpoint of its female characters: their obsession with make-up, fashion, phones and the most expensive material goods possible. These character depictions are frequently hilarious. This film is extremely charming, bright and is of a pleasant nature. It moves at a fast pace and it's virtually impossible to feel bored. You will want more when the film is over.

Alicia Silverstone is ideal in the title role. Complete with pseudo-philosophical voice-overs and a chaotic lexicon of teenage vernacular, Silverstone possesses the correct amount of dizzy charisma to carry out her duties as the title female character. A spoiled brat Silverstone's character may be, but an endearing one all the same. The conclusion, obvious as it is, is gratifying. However, this film lives and dies by its supporting cast. Said supporting cast is nothing short of impeccable. Actors like Breckin Meyer, Stacey Dash, Brittany Murphy, Paul Rudd, and Wallace Shawn (among countless others) are of a high standard. The film may seem predictable and dumb on paper, but these actors carry Heckerling's screenplay stylishly. Due to the great cast all round, the film pays off in spades. It's a shame that Silverstone's career became so lacklustre after this film launched her to fame. (I think her prime problem was agreeing to star in Batman & Robin...)

Overall, Clueless is a film I never expected to like...but did. If you can get past the predictability and the clichés, you'll see a very decent film on offer. Pervaded with an endless supply of creative laughs and a sense of poignancy, even guys will find themselves having loads of fun. Essentially, the film is Beverly Hills 90210 meets Jane Austen's Emma: a union of modernised 19th century social expectations with contemporary teenage characters.

"I'm coming for the rest of your family. You just bought them a death sentence, motherfucker."

As straightforward pulp revengers go, Death Sentence is disposable but satisfying. Considering the contemporary standard for its genre, you could do far worse than James Wan's flashy shoot-'em-up vigilante actioner. Certainly, Death Sentence is a dumb and derivative action flick that confusingly switches genres mid-stream. It's also pretentious, unrealistic, implausible, infantile, and it aspires to be taken far too seriously. Nevertheless, director Wan deserves credit for dressing up this knockoff of Death Wish with honest-to-goodness visual flair.

Perhaps James Wan is most commonly recognised for initiating the Saw franchise back in 2004. The young, inexperienced director offered a deft handling of the clever screenplay (penned by his collaborator Leigh Whannell from a story they wrote together). In a few weeks and on a paltry budget, Wan had masterfully re-invigorated the horror genre, paving the way for films of its type to follow (including its countless sequels).

The Charles Bronson vehicle Death Wish, based loosely on a novel by Brian Garfield, virtually invented the vigilante film genre whereby an ordinary man transforms into a blood-thirsty soldier hungry for revenge. Countless incarnations have been produced over the decades, using this basic theme to varying degrees of effect. Death Sentence is also loosely based on a Brian Garfield novel (written in the 1970s as a sequel to Death Wish). Even despite Wan's prior success with the original Saw, Death Sentence had plenty of trouble finding its way into cinemas and ultimately fared poorly in its theatrical run - it gleaned less than $10 million domestically.

Nick Hume (Bacon) is a successful business executive who lives an idyllic life with his loving family. Nick's eldest son Brendan (Lafferty) is a trophy winning hockey player soon to be attending a high-class college. However, the family's contented existence is devastated when tragedy strikes. As Nick and Brendan travel home following a hockey match, they reluctantly stop at an unfriendly neighbourhood. Shortly thereafter they encounter a car-load of punks - including one thug who must murder as part of his initiation. Before Nick's eyes, his son is murdered. The murderer is apprehended while the rest of the gang make their escape. The grieving Nick is able to identify the machete-wielding punk, but his sole testimony is the only evidence that the murder took place. Dissatisfied - and as amazed as the rest of us - with the prosecutor's decision to offer the thug a bargain (a prison term of three to five years) as lack of evidence wouldn't bode well in court, Nick retracts his statement and opts to take up the sword of justice himself. In probably the quickest vigilante turnaround ever recorded on celluloid, Nick grabs an implement of death and sets about carrying out the principal of tit-for-tat. Unfortunately, this concept is unfamiliar to the rest of the gang - and Nick has effectively sparked a war which will have tragic consequences on his family.

Tonally, Death Sentence is all over the place. It begins as a family drama before transforming into a shoot-'em-up action-thriller that draws evident inspiration from Taxi Driver and Death Wish. Initially the audience is given a chance to become genuinely involved with Nick and his family. Then, after one irrational act, he's placed his entire family in jeopardy. The events that follow are dramatically incongruous and utterly absurd. The highlight, though, is a spectacularly adrenalised, pulse-pounding, breathtaking chase through the streets and a multiple-storeyed parking station. This sequence features an incredibly long and intricate single take as the camera weaves in, out and around the parking station. This is a most spectacular sequence showcasing the virtuoso skills of Wan and his director of photography John R. Leonetti.

Subsequent to this sequence, Nick lurches forth to an inevitable bloodbath. Absurdity levels are cranked up to 11 as badly wounded, bandage-clad Nick - barely alive - escapes a hospital, eluding unbelievably daft police officers. Director Wan and his evidently enthusiastic technical team work marvels for the consequent final action sequence as holes are shot in walls and limbs are blown off in showers of blood in the realistically grimy sets. This is accompanied by ear shattering sound effects. Despite the competent filmmaking, this climax is a juvenile waste of time. It's chaotic, irritating and unbelievably silly. How can an Average Joe suddenly morph into Rambo on Slim Fast, shooting with such accuracy despite no firearms training? As this scene winds down, the moment of philosophising as two spent warriors recline side-by-side is totally pretentious and preposterous. Despite its unevenness and stupidity, Wan's excitingly shot and directed flick is visceral and gripping, as well as extremely entertaining.

Death Sentence largely works because it's openly aware of what kind of flick it is - a taut revenge actioner wrapped inside a basic but effective morality tale. The film sets out to achieve this title with the same ruthless single-mindedness that Nick exhibits as he pursues the street punks. It seems to continually convey the Gandhi concept that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. There are, however, narrative blunders (including a stupid subplot concerning a younger brother being loved less than his bigger brother) and far too much Hollywood. The gang is pure Hollywood, as they sport tattoos and drive vehicles featuring the same design. There's incredible craftsmanship on offer, but the components are fairly standard stuff.

Loving family torn apart by senseless crime? Check.

Justice system with its hands tied? Check.

Ordinary guy turned proficient, gun-wielding soldier? Check.

Clueless cops? Big check. Aisha Tyler stars as one of the most thankless characters in recent memory as a detective who is unable to figure out why every Bacon shows up with a new cut or bruise whenever a gang member is mysteriously killed.

Ultimately, Death Sentence endeavours to carry on the great tradition of man-pushed-to-the-edge vigilante flicks. But this is such a flawed attempt to revive a genre, yielding a tragically average product. It needed more twists and sparks as opposed to merrily rattling along, adhering to the trite old formula. Trying to pass itself off as a gritty take-the-law-into-your-own-hands action-thriller for the video game generation, it really amounts to an actioner with a catastrophic shortage of action.

Kevin Bacon's watchable performance helps raise Death Sentence above the glut of other revenge-themed films of its type. Bacon's Nick Hume is a respectable man with no prior experience with such violence - he's not a former Special Forces soldier who has been wronged, or anything clichéd like that. At times Bacon looks glum, at other times lively and energetic. He suits the role extremely well, occasionally allowing an audience to overlook the awful screenplay.

Kelly Preston makes the most of the little she has to do, and the two young lads as Nick's offspring look fine. Aisha Tyler is a major weak spot. She's wooden and unbelievable, and her character is poorly written. As for the "baddies", there's Garrett Hedlund (of the Four Brothers fame) as the vicious leader, and John Goodman also has a small but effective role as a gun dealer and father of Hedlund.

Death Sentence is under no delusion of being respectable. It's a flashy, pretentious, ridiculous, laughable exploitation action film that at least features fine filmmaking. It isn't an overly terrible film, but it's not that great either. From start to finish, it's fairly slick and there are a number of extremely entertaining moments. Wan, although handling a flawed screenplay, seems keen to splash around buckets of blood and direct fun shoot-'em-up action sequences.

"Man, I guess there is justice, huh."

Boy: "Can I ask you a question?"
Ted: "What is it?"
Boy: "It's an interrogative form of sentence, used to test knowledge. But that's not important right now."

The phenomenal success of Airplane! (re-titled Flying High! in Australia) was the outcome of the sheer comedic brilliance of the talented "ZAZ" trio (David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker). A spoof of the old 1950s disaster movies, the ZAZ trio reinvented spoof films and became the new luminaries of the genre: taking the crown that was previously secured by Mel Brooks. Needless to say, the success that the original enjoyed was going to be exploited in the form of a sequel. Initially, the ZAZ trio were anticipated to return for the sequel, but balked at the idea at a later date. Despite their endless protesting, the studio went ahead without their permission and green-lit Airplane II: The Sequel (the Australian title became Flying High II: The Sequel).

The ZAZ trio resisted much financial temptation in their refusal to work on a sequel to their 1980 brainchild. After all, they squeezed basically every airport/airplane related joke they could into the first film and by the end had gags so abundant that they could have sufficiently filled three movies! Unfortunately, with the ZAZ trio stepping away, the task of writing and directing for Airplane II: The Sequel fell into the hands of Ken Finkleman. This guy had never done anything remotely noteworthy apart from writing a few episodes of the Dick Van Dyke show in the 70s and (*ahem*) Grease 2. This sequel is not so much a sequel - it's a mediocre rehash of the original movie that largely recycles a lot of the same gags, with the superior laughs disappearing pretty quickly. Finkleman is no ZAZ member; hence the gags he supplies cannot even come close to the quality or quantity of those from the first film. The original trio not being involved becomes pretty evident extremely quickly.

Despite the ZAZ trio giving up their participation with this film, most of the original cast returned to reprise their roles. The only notable exclusion is dear old Leslie Nielson. This guy basically carried the first film and it's disappointing that he didn't return (although the ZAZ trio were grateful for his respect and loyalty, and rewarded him when casting commenced for their succeeding movies, most notably The Naked Gun).

Because the original creative team weren't involved, this sequel shouldn't be judged as a follow-up to the brilliant first movie but rather an alternate reading: containing the same situations, same gags and fundamentally the same major plot points. The plot here is essentially identical to the first film, except the setting has been changed to a space ship. Years have passed since Ted Striker (Hays) heroically saved the lives of many airplane passengers in the events of the first movie, and now his life has been turned upside down again. He is sent to a mental ward after he was blamed for an accident that occurred when he was piloting a Lunar Shuttle that was in fact the consequence of the badly-constructed navigational computer. Now another shuttle is being launched into space and Ted must overcome his inadequacies and former girlfriend to save those aboard the shuttle before it crashes into the sun.

Okay, so the jokes are seemingly more of the same and hence more predictable...but at least they're hilarious at times. The first 20 minutes contain all the best quality gags: some shots even containing 3 or 4 running simultaneously. The final hour unfortunately isn't as strong, with the gags growing monotonous and predictable. There are only a few laughs during this segment that are worth noting. The gags also aren't as memorable. After you finish the movie you will be unable to recall many instances that made you laugh.

Overall, Airplane II: The Sequel is not nearly as brilliant as its forerunner...in fact it's not even close! The original charm has been lost, and ultimately relies too frequently on recycling gags that were used previously in the first movie. Still, despite these flaws...it will certainly make for entertaining viewing on a boring afternoon. What can I say? Some of the laughs are still good quality (both sight gags as well as witty dialogue), and I laughed 'til I cried. It even contains one of the best sight gags in history! (I'm referring to William Shatner's introductory scene)

"I am the law! Put down your weapons and prepare to be judged."

The greatest cinematic guilty pleasures in history generally feature an 80's action hero as its primary acting talent. Sylvester Stallone is a particularly habitual purveyor of guilty pleasures. Think Cobra, or the second & third Rambo movies, or Tango & Cash. The film in question - 1995's Judge Dredd - is yet another classic example of a guilty pleasure featuring the muscle-bound performer. This isn't a perfect film by any means - in fact from a critical standpoint this is an awful movie. It's inane, stupid, brainless and derivative. Nevertheless, it's irresistibly entertaining, enjoyable and fun. Stallone packs his muscular body into the gold-plated, armoured uniform of Judge Dredd. As this "Judge", he has the privilege of being judge, jury and executioner rolled into one. The whole movie is built around this concept - Stallone fundamentally deals out justice in a futuristic dystopian metropolis for 90 minutes.

Judge Dredd is based on a popular British comic book strip. This comic book atmosphere is retained, although it's fairly cartoonish at times. I'm not accustomed to the source material, thus I can't testify to the level of fidelity, but a majority of the visuals evoke a comic book atmosphere - from the campy costumes to the imitative production design and the corny one-liners. In all honesty, Judge Dredd occasionally seems like a futile retread of Demolition Man.

You want chaos? I'm the chaos. You want fear? I'm the fear. You want a new beginning? I'm the new beginning!

The film is prefaced with a prologue - an opening title reel outlining the story so far. This is the first shred of evidence substantiating the fact Judge Dredd aspires to be Star Wars, made far more obvious with the authoritative, bellowing voice of James Earl Jones to accompany.

The story commences decades into the future when society has deteriorated. In an inevitable amalgam of Mad Max 2 (a.k.a. The Road Warrior) and Blade Runner, crime has flourished to an uncontrollable extent and the "Cursed Earth" is a desolate wasteland. In order to battle crime more efficiently, Judges patrol the streets - they "judge" the criminals they encounter, dishing out an appropriate sentence; be it several years of incarceration or immediate execution. During the action-packed opening sequence, the audience is introduced to Judge Dredd (a suitably lean, gruff, burly Stallone). Dredd is the most formidable and revered of the Street Judges - emotionless, relentless, and merciless. Following this character establishment, a plot (if it can be called that) emerges: a murderous former judge (Assante) hatches a sinister plan to overthrow the government and eliminate the Judges, instead substituting them with clones of himself. Let the chaos and mayhem begin...

"Court's adjourned!"

Limitless plot holes are easily noticeable, and the absurd disposition of the vague plot almost insults the intelligence. Example of a plot hole: early into the film, Dredd explains bullets aren't effective past two hundred metres. However, in truth, as long as a bullet has gravity to guide it, its force won't be weakened until it hits something! Also, villains in the film try so hard to be sinister that they forget to have an adequate motivation.

"The Judge's standard-issue body armor. Yours, when you graduate. The Lawgiver: a Judge's standard-issue sidearm. Yours, if you graduate. The Lawmaster: a Judge's standard-issue personal transport. Yours... if you can ever get it to work."

Judge Dredd is Blade Runner for viewers suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder. Ridley Scott's Blade Runner is ponderous and deeply philosophical, whereas Judge Dredd offers brainless popcorn entertainment. As previously detailed, this is leave-your-brain-at-the-door material. The action sequences manage to thrill, but they are preposterous - even for science fiction. Heroes are entirely impervious to bullets, for instance (even after suffering a wound, a character still manages to save the day in a hopelessly clichéd finale). Then by the time Stallone and Rob Schneider outrun a blast of fire, one can't help but laugh. Be that as it may, Judge Dredd is an underrated gem that deserves to be on the to-watch short-list of any Stallone fan...or just any fan of the action genre. This is 90 minutes of solid entertainment, laced with enjoyably frenetic action sequences and a mind-blowing display of special effects (for the most part, that is - obvious matte paintings during one chase sequence will cause one to wonder if the budget suddenly imploded).

At least visually, Judge Dredd aspires to be the next big sci-fi action extravaganza. Blade Runner presented a unique image of a possible future. Mega-City One (formerly New York City) in Judge Dredd is evidently a glitzy replication. And let's face it: the air speeder chase is an aping of Return of the Jedi. Traces of Mad Max appear to be thrown in...and, interestingly, there are a few cannibalistic mountain folk mirroring The Hills Have Eyes as well. This is a derivative sci-fi action film, but even in spite of its blatant unoriginality it entertains and the sets look genuinely spectacular. In addition, there are a sufficient amount of creative ideas incorporated into the film. Mega-City One is appropriately intricate and exhilarating. And Dredd's signature weapon - a pistol with voice-selectable ammo for all occasions - is undeniably cool. Stallone as Judge Dredd is more or less Dirty Harry in RoboCop's armour. Stallone plays the character in Eastwood style; his lines delivered in a monotone, and his eyes glint with a noble rage (the glint basically means "I'd enjoy killing your arse!").

"The legendary Angel family. Cursed Earth pirates, murderers, scavengers, and of course scumbags!"

Judge Dredd appears to have a serious tonal problem. Stallone grunting through his first few lines is enough to trigger fits of laughter. The dialogue is frequently hilarious - whether intentional or otherwise. Examining the committee of credited screenwriters, it isn't hard to see why. Michael De Luca and William Wisher Jnr. were responsible for RoboCop 3, after all.

Badass one-liners are a necessity for the genre. The Terminator wouldn't be the same without "I'll be back", for instance. Stallone is given all the best lines, most notably his declaration of "I am the law!". Moments like this call to mind memories of Cobra - as a matter of fact, Judge Dredd is Cobra transplanted into a sci-fi setting.

"We're both prisoners warden. You're behind a desk, and I'm behind this."

Director Danny Cannon was obviously aiming for a science fiction action blockbuster with a touch of humour. Cannon handles the material competently. As a supplement for Cannon's visual implementation, there are dynamic sound effects and a pulse-pounding score. Originally the film was to receive a PG-13 rating from the MPAA, hence the disappointingly tame violence. However it was ultimately slapped with an R-rating...but a deplorably soft R-rating.

Performance-wise, there's a selection of two-dimensional acting talent on offer - quite suitable, I suppose. Stallone is Stallone in spades; need more be said? The notoriously bad actor half-grunts and half-bellows his lines throughout the runtime. At the film's beginning he dons a helmet, concealing all except his lips. The effect is slightly disconcerting since it emphasises the slurry, drugged-sounding lethargy of Stallone's vocal delivery. Thankfully, the helmet isn't on for long.

Stallone is given a love interest in Diane Lane as a fellow Judge. The usually reliable actress is somewhat bland, and Lane's chemistry with her co-star is abysmal. Thankfully, Rob Schneider is thrown in for a bit of comic relief. This is definitely a high point for Schneider's career...something to remember since his career was eventually relegated to worthless Adam Sandler vehicles. In this performance Schneider is hysterical; firing off one-liners and conveying his anxiety about a situation amusingly. At one stage during the production, Schneider improvised a mockery of Stallone. The filmmakers found it hilarious, and subsequently added it to the final cut. Armand Assante looks to be having a great time as the central villain; over-the-top, menacing and murderous. In every scene he appears to be vying for the Sociopath of the Year award. Other respected thespians fill in the gaps - Max von Syndow's Obi-Wan-ish manifestation is watchable, and Jürgen Prochnow makes a brief appearance as a Judge.

"The innocent only exist until they inevitably become perpatrators. Guilt or innocence is a matter of timing."

All things considered, Judge Dredd is serviceable low-grade entertainment. It's a brainless popcorn sci-fi action movie, featuring top-notch explosive action sequences fuelled by a pretty horrible script. Aside from Stallone's occasional twinkle - dispersing Dredd's limited repertoire of kick-ass catch phrases - it's the extravagant production design and special effects that effectively engage. Judge Dredd can only be defined as a guilty pleasure. It may be campy and silly beyond all comprehension, but the film provides straightforward fun without being too taxing. In no way am I ashamed to admit I enjoyed this film thoroughly and would willingly watch it again numerous times.

"Emotions... there ought to be a law against them."

"I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one. That takes skill."

The Long Kiss Goodnight is a substantially entertaining action romp in a similar vein to typical action vehicles such as Die Hard (director Harlin also helmed Die Hard 2), or films from the bona fide 80s action stars like Stallone and Arnie. The film is convincingly elevated above your typical action thriller, simply due to an assortment of fantastic actors and a fascinating plot.
Following the disastrous Cutthroat Island, director Harlin and star Geena Davis needed a film to resurrect their respective careers. This is an exceedingly effective tool for both of them, thanks mainly to the advantage of working from a sharp and playful script penned by Shane Black. Screenwriter Black possesses a penchant for action movies: he can generate comical one-liners, riveting stories and even better...leaves plenty of room for an abundance of violent action. Personally, I'm a sucker for a quality action movie and virtually seek out hardcore carnage. Being a massive fan of Shane Black's previous films (like Lethal Weapon and The Last Boy Scout), I felt compelled to visit this film...and I thoroughly enjoyed the ride.

Samantha Caine (Davis) is a suburban mother who suffers from amnesia. For 8 years she has lived her new life with no knowledge of who she once was. Despite hiring endless private detectives to uncover information about her past life, there has been no success. Samantha now has loving husband Hal (Amandes) and young daughter Caitlin (Zima) to support her, so she elects to simply disregard her former identity. Samantha is a successful school teacher living an ideal suburban existence. But after a car accident, she receives a bump on the head and she starts evoking recollections of her past while recovering. The government recognises Samantha as an assassin named Charline Baltimore who was supposedly killed several years earlier. Following an attack on her life during which she was capable of defending herself skilfully, her curiosity about her past amplifies. A cheap private investigator named Mitch (Jackson) obtains a lucky break in illuminating the information of Samantha/Charline's past. While being hunted, Samantha/Charline partners with Mitch to finally expose the truth of her identity. As usual, some convoluted government conspiracy is uncovered.

Now that the slender plot has been established, the action rapidly commences. In tradition with routine 80s style action flicks, the violence and carnage is unbelievably ruthless at times. The Long Kiss Goodnight flaunts some remarkable action sequences. Stunts and special effects are first-rate, with a booming sound mix for a towering entertainment value. When it comes to the action, never is an erroneous foot trodden. Harlin's lens captures the action sequences with immense elegance and visual finesse. However, Shane Black's script suffers from a number of problems. Predictably, we're offered with an abundance of clichés. We can also safely predict the outcome of the events. Sometimes we're also given dialogue that serves no purpose other than to provide a cheap laugh (plenty of guilty pleasures, I admit). However, this build-up is worth it for the spectacular climax and final showdown. It's exaggerated, over-the-top and silly...but it's fun!

The cast certainly elevate the otherwise flawed screenplay. Geena Davis is granted the daunting task of undertaking dual roles: that of an innocent suburban house-wife, and a brutal assassin whose language is relentless. Davis pulls it off. Samuel L. Jackson is always a fantastic choice for a foul-mouthed, raving side-kick. I'm particularly fond of Jackson in Die Hard - With a Vengeance where he played opposite Bruce Willis. This is the same kind of character: very comical, very well written and dexterously realised. Craig Bierko is a stellar villain. Other great additions to the cast include Brian Cox, David Morse and a young Yvonne Zima.

Overall, The Long Kiss Goodnight will be gleefully devoured by action fans. Most of the film's fun is derived from the Davis/Jackson coupling and several frantic action scenes, though there are script flaws in place. Action masterpieces are rare, so just enjoy indulging in this entertaining action romp.

"I want a world where Frank junior and all the Frank juniors can sit under a shady tree, breathe the air, swim in the ocean, and go into a 7-11 without an interpreter."

The straight-faced, hard-boiled, totally inept Lt. Frank Drebin (Nielsen) is back! Don't question it, don't scoff at it...just accept it.

Given the relative success of The Naked Gun in 1988, it was inevitable that a sequel would be right around the corner. The critical mind boggles when one sets about critically analysing a film such as this. The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear encompasses a fairly transparent plot that functions as an excuse to showcase a non-stop succession of laughs: hysterically witty lines, side-splittingly clumsy behaviour of characters, and sight gags to die for are among the inclusions here. Playing on words is another quintessential feature of a Naked Gun movie. As an example, Frank and his colleague Ed (Kennedy) are discussing the possible location of the villain. They find an address that's in the red light district. Frank wonders what the villain could be doing around there. "Sex, Frank?" Ed suggests as a possibility. "Er...no, not right now Ed. We've got work to do" is Frank's response.

The seminal rule of sequels is that they should usually be avoided. In the case of The Naked Gun 2½, things are mildly different. David Zucker (who was responsible for the original Naked Gun as well as Airplane!, Top Secret!, and so on) has created a worthy sequel to such a fantastic spoof. Audiences probably expected something embarrassingly below par, but The Naked Gun 2½ is up to the task. Although the laughs aren't as frequent or as clever as its predecessor, there's still an abundance of hysterical gags to behold. But by no means is the film perfect. As usual, it's marred by lack of a meaty plot (just like its forerunner). Also, it just isn't as fresh as the original.

Set a few years after the events of the first film, The Naked Gun 2½ finds the incompetent cop Frank Drebin who's now separated from his beloved Jane (Presley). The wealth of random (albeit utterly hilarious) gags are built around a very loose framework that only some may consider calling a plot. Frank is still bumbling around, making a mess of his police work while also (mysteriously) succeeding.
Anyway, the President of the United States announces that he'll be supporting the opinions of the esteemed Doctor Mannheim (Griffith) who published a report regarding the energy future of America. The non-renewable resource parties aren't pleased about this and plan to kidnap Doctor Mannheim, replacing him with a decoy who will deliver a more favourable report. The responsibility of foiling the evil scheme falls to none other than Frank Drebin and his equally inept colleagues: Ed Hocken and Nordberg (played by O.J. Simpson...yes, that O.J. Simpson).
The gags of course begin to pile upon each other. There are extremely obvious gags, some subtle laughs, and even very amusing parodies of several films (most notably E.T.).

By the early 1990s, the ZAZ trio (consisting of David Zucker, Jim Abrahams and Jerry Zucker) had made a name for themselves after delivering a satisfying plethora of quality spoofs. The trio no longer needed each other for success. While David Zucker helmed this sequel, he was scarcely assisted by his two long-time collaborators. Jim Abrahams helmed the 1988 Lily Tomlin-Bette Midler farce Big Business, whereas David Zucker's brother Jerry directed the Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze romance film Ghost (which is cleverly parodied in this sequel as well).
The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear is a very endearing and enduring spoof that holds up even after repeated viewings. David Zucker retains the charm of the original Naked Gun with a bunch of returning cast members and a congregation of decent belly laughs guaranteed to have one cackling uncontrollably. Heck, I laughed so hard my family complained about the level of noise!

As usual, Leslie Nielsen is of a high standard as the venerable, dumb and spectacularly literal-minded Frank Drebin. The reason for casting Nielsen is obvious: the character of Frank Drebin is a parody of the cheesy late-1960s TV cop shows...and Nielsen is an actor who formerly starred in said TV cop shows. Ever since the ZAZ trio had Nielsen starring in Airplane!, never again was the actor taken seriously. Nielsen is ideal as always, frequently remaining straight-faced despite all the situations he endures.
Priscilla Presley does everything she needs to do: she says her lines, and she looks beautiful as the character with "a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room, and breasts that seemed to say...'Hey! Look at these!'". Priscilla has never been an outstanding actress...but she looks terrifically clueless and whiney when paired alongside Leslie Nielsen.
There are also great moments courtesy of George Kennedy and O.J. Simpson.

Overall, The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear is an appealing, hilarious spoof that continues to make audiences laugh all these years later. Notable Frank Drebin moments include: accidentally assaulting Barbara Bush at the White House, unwittingly torturing a captive he's meant to be rescuing, misinterpreting everything said to him, and describing his impending investigation as "like having sex... It's a painstaking, arduous task that seems to go on and on forever and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens!" If any of these described moments appeal to you, you'll have a ball. In the simplest terms possible: I laughed my ass off all the way through! Followed by The Naked Gun 33?: The Final Insult.

"I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible."

If one consumes three kilograms of chicken, which kilogram tastes the best? The first kilogram, of course. Why? Because it tastes the freshest, and afterwards you're just eating more of the same. This ostensibly random analogy is marvellously relevant to the Naked Gun trilogy. The first Naked Gun movie was a breath of fresh air with its endearing blend of hilarious sight gags and witty dialogue. Three years later, The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear was an entertaining comedy but it ultimately lacked the originality of the original due to its usage of essentially the same formula. The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult is the third and final instalment in the trilogy.

When it comes to the third part of a trilogy, very rarely is there a product that doesn't stink horrendously. This third Naked Gun movie isn't as horrible as it could have been, but it's the weakest of the trilogy. It's flawed because it never wants to push the boundaries...never is it subversive...instead the script plays it safe and follows the same old tiring formula. By all accounts, though, the film is still tremendously funny and guarantees a wonderful night of viewing.
Like the instalments that preceded it, The Naked Gun 33 1/3 is a suitably entertaining spoof of the cop movie genre. The sight gags are still there (although they're in reasonably short supply), and the script is still occasionally witty. It's something of a miracle that a television show that lasted six episodes before being canned managed to become a trilogy of rather successful feature films.

As always, The Naked Gun 33 1/3 is merely a succession of mostly cheap (though funny) gags with vague evidence of a plot holding everything together. This time Lt. Frank Drebin (Nielsen) is married to his beloved Jane (Presley) and retired from the Police Squad. However, their marriage is anything but smooth. Jane has a hankering for kids, whereas Frank doesn't share the sentiment and isn't convinced of the need. Jane is a high profile lawyer, and Frank is a permanent househusband. But once a cop, always a cop, and Frank receives a visit from his old colleagues at Police Squad: Ed Hocken (Kennedy) and Nordberg (as played by O.J. "I didn't kill my wife" Simpson). Frank is persuaded to go undercover in a state prison where he shares a cell with terrorist bomber Rocco (Ward). After Rocco executes his prison escape he formulates a plan to detonate a bomb at the Academy Awards ceremony...
Naturally, the film happily parodies a number of different movies. The opening sequence mirrors The Untouchables, a sub-plot blatantly spoofs Thelma and Louise, and there's even a prison break taking inspiration from the classic war movie The Great Escape. In addition to the parodying there's the usual playing on words, and sometimes the clumsy protagonist takes things a little too literally.
"Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective-Lieutenant Police Squad" he sternly says to an usher at the Oscar ceremony, demanding entry. "Yeah? And I'm Robert De Niro" the usher retorts, to which Frank replies with "Mr. De Niro, we need to get inside".

The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult was directed by Peter Segal. The legendary ZAZ trio opted to take a sideline position, staying on-board as executive producers. David Zucker (director of the first two movies) also has a brief cameo as a cameraman at the Academy Awards ceremony.
The Naked Gun movies are obviously a lot of fun to make, but they probably aren't easy to make. In order to fill the screen with an abundance of quality gags, it must take a long time to put together a script (hence the three-year gaps between each instalment). One other thing is also quite clear: these movies are certainly not easy to review! If you look at these films from the perspective of a film critic, you'll most likely hate it. If you watch these movies looking for some harmless fun, you'll get your money's worth.

The drawbacks of The Naked Gun 33 1/3 are somewhat similar to its predecessors. First of all, there's no real plot to sink your teeth into. It's a pile of clichés that crawl out to make an appearance. But these clichés (such as marriage troubles, being brought back from retirement, etc) are punctuated by laughs. Secondly, the formula is getting tiresome. There's a distinct lack of originality in both the laughs and the scenarios. In addition to this, the laughs aren't as frequent. The film is still very funny, yes, but occasionally there are annoying several-minute gaps between the laughs of the belly variety. It's also worth mentioning that some of the gags appear quite forced and obvious as opposed to the more subtle laughs that take a few screenings to absorb. At a hasty 80 minutes (approximately), the film merrily rattles along from one laugh to the next with very little substance in between.

Leslie Nielsen at least still gives it everything he has, and is obviously enjoying himself (in fact he's on record as wanting to do another Naked Gun movie). The rest of the Naked Gun crew are back, filling their usual roles. There's also Anna Nicole Smith joining the cast, whose enormous breasts are the cause of several close-ups and awkward moments.

Overall, The Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult completes its objective of providing an adequate amount of laughs during its extremely brisk running time. In tradition with the usual rule of deteriorating sequels, this is the weakest of the trilogy. The first is still the best, and the second film isn't far behind. The plot, as always, is wafer thin...but who cares? We watch these films for laughs and an entertainment value. It isn't as funny as the other films, but it has its fair share of worthy moments. The Academy Awards ceremony is definitely a notable sequence. If only the Oscars were that exciting, because then there'd be more of a reason to stay up until midnight watching them.

Leslie Nielsen's Frank Drebin bows out in style, and is given a worthy farewell. And remember "this is not goodbye. It's just I won't ever see you again."

"It was so cute, when he was 6 years old he walked into the kitchen and said "Mommy! My peepee's stuck in my zipper!""

It completely pains me to say this, but Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot is nowhere near as horrible as some people made it out to be. I saw it for Stallone's presence in the cast and didn't expect much from the tame PG rating and...well...the title as well as the sickening poster.

Stallone plays a police sergeant named Joe Bromowski; he's tough, cool and enjoys his insignificant existence. But his mother Tutti (Getty) arrives in town to visit her only son Joe. For Joe, this is a true nightmare; he unknowingly embarrasses him at every opportunity, interferes with his life as a bachelor, starts tidying up his house and doing the laundry.

When Tutti witnesses a murder she wants to use all her knowledge to the advantage of her son, hoping to get him promoted.

Stallone's performance (which earned a Razzie award for 'Worst Actor') contains more lines of dialogue than you're ever likely to hear in one sitting. And here's the weird part: he's actually understandable to an extent. Comedy isn't his thing, nor will it ever be, but his performance isn't too bad. As for Estelle Getty...well, she's just playing an overprotective mother. Do you expect this to be Oscar material? Her facial expressions at times are enough to warrant a Razzie.

The violence is tame throughout, which is a real shame because with some 'tough guy' scenes mixed in there it could've made an okay action flick. Instead we're stuck with this.

There are a few scenes that are very funny, but other scenes are embarrassing and could make one cringe (especially when the mother blows the smoke from the barrel of a gun after firing). Stallone's mum should've shot...the screenwriter, that is.

"Death is only the beginning."

In tradition with archetypal action/adventure blockbusters such as Romancing the Stone and the marvellous Indiana Jones series, The Mummy is a substantially entertaining and enjoyable tribute to the endearing classic B-movie serials of the 1950s. The film is fundamentally an updated version of the vintage 1932 horror film of the same name that featured Boris Karloff as the central bandaged antagonist. Universal Studios commissioned the new 1999 version as a loose remake in an attempt to create an Indiana Jones-like franchise. Considering the unbelievable lucrative financial success of the Indiana Jones adventures (featuring an ideal Harrison Ford as the title's namesake), a similar series could potentially generate analogous success. With that in mind, Stephen Sommers' action/adventure blockbuster The Mummy commenced development. It's a hokey, jokey, ludicrously over-the-top and stupid action film, but it's one that certainly serves its purpose of entertaining its target audience.

In a nutshell, the film is a special effects extravaganza that's adequately appealing and clever to guarantee enjoyment for repeated viewings. This film was among my favourite movies as a youngster. I subsequently watched the film so often that every scene was committed to memory. Years later it presents itself not as an Oscar-worthy masterpiece, but an action/adventure film that's just so much damn fun to watch!
Celebrated critic Roger Ebert stated in his review that "There is hardly a thing I can say in its favor, except that I was cheered by nearly every minute of it." Ebert's sentiments essentially suggest that the film's only redeeming feature is its entertainment value. This opinion is widely shared by many, myself included. It's big, dumb, loud and riddled with clichés - and proud of it!

The story tracks keen explorer Rick O'Connell (Fraser) in the early 20th century. He's an American commander who foolishly lead his garrison into Egypt in search of Hamunaptra: more commonly known as "The City of the Dead". However, before Rick is capable of completing his quest he's captured with the outlook of execution in his future. Curious nerdy librarian Evelyn (Weisz) and her brother Jonathan (Hannah) come into possession of one of the artefacts that Rick discovered. Said artefact presents itself as a key of sorts containing a map detailing the location of Hamunaptra. Enthusiastic to travel to the city, Evelyn rescue Rick from the noose at the last second. The trio travel to Egypt with the location of Hamunaptra in mind. A group of egocentric American explorers are also en route to the city with the prospect of treasure and money on their minds. Trouble soon imparts itself when Evelyn inadvertently disturbs the tomb of a 3,000-year-old mummy who suffered an unspeakable curse. This resurrected mummy was once known as Imhotep (Vosloo), and he was entombed due to crimes of passion. Imhotep awakens from his mummified state to wreak havoc on the world...bringing with him the ten plagues of Egypt. Now it's up to Rick and his companions to end the curse and send Imhotep back to his grave.

From the first frame 'til the last, The Mummy is intrinsically good entertainment. There's a high amount of energy, an abundance of action scenes, a charming cast and meticulously-crafted sets. However, the film is extremely flawed. For starters, at times it begs its audience to suspend their disbelief too severely. Like the impeccable timing of events, perfect weapon accuracy of the heroes and of course the copious plot holes that don't make a lick of sense (such as Evelyn's character being so poorly written. She's so clumsy in her first scene, and then mysteriously never again is this clumsiness displayed again). This is a summer blockbuster after all, so I guess these flaws are a given.
However, I must digress...there are special effects galore but what's missing is the sense of awe or marvel. Looking back at the days of Indiana Jones the artefacts are amazing and just their screen presence shines like a new coin. Despite the artefacts being well designed here, they are wholly forgettable and aren't exactly mind-blowing. The filmmakers are under the false impression that lots of gold creates staggering images. Unfortunately it doesn't work as well as they want.

The Mummy can't make up its mind about its genre either. It's an action and adventure film for sure, but director Sommers tries his hand at horror. The horror, however, is so poorly orchestrated. Corpses look like fake dolls, the creature's roar isn't spine-chilling and the atmosphere is seldom tense. The special effects may have been cutting edge for their time, but they haven't aged well. At times the CGI looks like an old video game. The tension is therefore alleviated and we are unable to believe what's occurring. Unfortunately, as well, there is a lack of genuine danger. The characters are played out for laughs. Like the fat warden who feeds off stereotypes, for example. At the end of the day, as well, it just goes on forever. The script tries to fit far too many things into the film. Consequently the film feels so irritatingly overcrowded.

Brendan Fraser is no Harrison Ford, but as an adventure hero he's pretty decent. He's an exceedingly likeable hero and he's fun to watch. His one-liners are delivered competently. Fraser can frequently make his audience laugh. This is his greatest quality but also his greatest flaw: frequently smirking with very little depth. The lack of danger is emphasised by Fraser's constant jokes.
Rachel Weisz is a convincing nerd-ish librarian who finds satisfaction in exciting treasure-hunting. Fraser and Weisz have great chemistry together. Despite the characters being so incompetently written, the primary two actors elevate the material to satisfying proportions.
Scottish actor John Hannah is probably the stand-out performer here. He's witty, funny and charming throughout.
Arnold Vosloo is given the extremely difficult job of spending most of his scenes in a motion capture suit. Very rarely does Vosloo appear without CGI distorting his image. In some of his earlier films such as Hard Target, Vosloo has been quite wooden. He's not too bad here, although he lacks any degree of intimidation or authority in looks or voice. The rest of the cast are at a usual standard.
It's worth noting that the significant characters are treated with much sentimentality. We have the heroes who get the blunt end of the stick most of the time, the annoying supporting characters that will obviously die, and then of course the insignificant extras provided merely to get knocked off in different ways. In other words, most of the characters are severely clichéd.

After listing the abundance of flaws, there are a number of positives to be pointed out. The action is exuberant, the film moves at a feverish pace and the frame is brimming with authenticity. Costumes, props, locations, etc, create a fairly authentic atmosphere. Jerry Goldsmith's music provides an additional edge as well. For the action it's fairly pulse-pounding and at other times it's foreboding.
All in all, I always have a jolly good time watching The Mummy. It's severely flawed, but it's a summer blockbuster so this is almost customary. It is a daft, albeit grand high-flying action/adventure romp. It must be said that I admire this flick for accomplishing what Hollywood ought to be doing with every release - entertaining audiences to no end. This is precisely the kind of film you bring to mind when you fancy cranking up the volume to give your speakers a work-out, microwaving a bowl of popcorn and relaxing effortlessly to waste a rainy Saturday evening at home. Straightforwardly put, it is just damn good fun. Followed by The Mummy Returns.

"Go to hell and take your friends with you!"

The seminal rule of sequels to a blockbuster declares that everything must be bigger: bigger special effects, more action, and grander locations. Sequels are the beloved of Hollywood studios who look forward to an easy box office hit. For audience, however, the prospect is often less attractive. Some films shouldn't have sequels. Every once in a while, though, sequels can be worthwhile. Looking at the Indiana Jones franchise, the sequels exist simply to place the central character in a different adventure. Such is also the case with The Mummy Returns.

The film is an excuse to reunite a majority of the original cast for another adventure. However, at times the film is a severe case of déjà vu and it's impossible to shake off the sense of "been there, done that". What made the Indiana Jones franchise so interesting is the originality with each new episode. When it comes to The Mummy Returns, Sommers is just too lazy to develop an entirely new adventure. It's obvious he wants to disguise this laziness as making clever, subtle references to the first film. But it makes things only more predictable.

There are also countless inconsistencies that plague the script. The characters featured in The Mummy charmed their way to our hearts by means of charming dialogue. Unfortunately, though, The Mummy Returns relies entirely on our willingness to follow the same characters. There's no room for them to grow...no solid character development...instead we're tossed right into a lacklustre display of rehashed set-pieces, humdrum visual effects, and an excess of action made up entirely of climaxes. At the end of the day, so many things are thrown at the viewer that it all ends up mattering quite little. Then, as if adding insult to injury, the immensely-hyped appearance of wrestling star The Rock is dreary beyond all conception. The Rock (a.k.a. Dwayne Johnson), playing The Scorpion King, appears only for a few minutes during the film's early moments, and he returns as a completely computer-generated entity during the finale. As a half-man and half-scorpion creature, The Rock looks like he's part of a Z-Grade video game. The CGI is truly awful.

Anyway, The Mummy Returns is set many years following the first film. Rick O'Connell (Fraser) and Evelyn (Weisz) are now very happily married with precocious young son Alex (Boath) to accompany them during their archaeological adventures. Rick and Evelyn investigate the legend of The Scorpion King who's said to exist in myth and legend. Apparently every few thousand years The Scorpion King will rise again with his army and will rule the world. His unbeatable army is available to him or whosoever can defeat him. At the beginning of the Egyptian New Year, rival archaeologists unearth and resurrect Imhotep (Vosloo). The resurrected Imhotep and his reincarnated love (Velasquez) plan to travel to the tomb of The Scorpion King to awaken him. Imhotep then plans to defeat The Scorpion King and gain control of his army. With this army he will rule the world. Naturally, only Rick O'Connell and his comrades have the ability to prevent the instigation of Imhotep's plan.

A central fault in the storyline is the extraordinarily conventional world domination sub-plot. It's incredibly clichéd and has no place in an adventure film such as this. The script also abuses the amount of convenience typically allowed for a blockbuster film. The character of Rick O'Connell is cemented too ridiculously into the back-story of the film. He's destined to become one of the religious warriors in the league of Oded Fehr's Ardeth Bey. Watching him battling mummies with an arsenal of weaponry is really cool, but it's cheap and contrived for him to suddenly become an integral part of the film's mythology. Evelyn also begins having visions and flashbacks of her past life. Apparently she's a reincarnation of the daughter of the Pharaoh from many thousands of years ago. Once again, this is too convenient and exists as an excuse for the ancient puzzles to be easily deciphered. Why did these flashbacks never occur during the events of the first film? It's just lame.

At times the film tends to insult the intelligence of its audience as well. The internal logic makes no sense whatsoever. Like how the hell do the Egyptians obtain Japanese daggers to use during battles? Said daggers aren't even Egyptian and weren't even in existence 3,000 years ago! Sommers also endeavours to make his characters so realistic and down-to-earth. They bleed, they show vulnerability and they generally get scared. Yet he bestows them with superhuman abilities. For instance, Rick is carrying his son while outrunning the rising sun. In order to run faster than the rising sun one must be capable of achieving speeds in excess of 1,000 miles an hour! It's one thing for someone powerful like Imhotep to accomplish this task, but it's entirely unbelievable for a mere mortal such as Rick to run that fast while the sun rises conveniently slowly.

Then there's the matter of impeccable timing. All the characters seem to accomplish things in the nick of time. Like the flying contraption that's repaired in time to rescue the characters before they'd be annihilated. Or when the central characters arrive just in time as the mummy resurrection ceremony is taking place. These coincidences are too perfect to be believable.
In addition, director Sommers has succumbed to the plague that's dominating the current action genre: slow motion during the action scenes. This means slo-mo fight moves, and even following a spear in mid-air in ultra slo-mo! It gets tiresome very quickly, not to mention it rapidly kills the film's realistic intentions. The Mummy films have never been Indiana Jones, but they've tried. With the inclusion of slow motion, it just becomes a muddled and tiring mess. To make matters worse, the special effects are bottom-of-the-barrel material. The Scorpion King looks like he's from a video game, his army look extremely unconvincing and the set extensions are painfully obvious. One of the film's highlights is an army of skeletal pigmy warriors. They're an interesting design, but the animation is just appalling.
The script must also be mentioned. The first film featured some fun witty dialogue. None of this wittiness is retained. Very few memorable lines are included. A few times you'll crack a smile, at other times you'll be rolling your eyes at the painful dialogue that references the predecessor or steals a few direct lines from the first film.

James Cameron went bigger and louder from The Terminator to Terminator 2: Judgment Day. He succeeded mightily. Unfortunately for Stephen Sommers, who wrote and directed The Mummy Returns, he does not succeed one bit. Everything is too overblown and overproduced. What was once a horror/adventure/action/comedy that was always grounded in at least a bit of realism has transformed into an adventure/action/comedy without horror elements that throws all credibility to the wind very quickly.
He also doesn't succeed because he digs into the same bag of tricks with little originality present. In The Mummy, Evelyn causes book cases to topple over like dominoes. In The Mummy Returns, her son causes a room of pillars to topple over like dominoes. In The Mummy Imhotep creates a sandstorm imprinted with his face to bring down an airplane. In The Mummy Returns, Imhotep creates a wall of water imprinted with his face to bring down a dirigible-like contraption. In The Mummy Jonathan asks Evelyn to help him decipher an Egyptian symbol while Evelyn is in the middle of a battle. In The Mummy Returns, Alex asks Jonathan to help him decipher the same Egyptian symbol while Jonathan is fighting. D'ya see where this is going?

As a standalone film, The Mummy Returns is an entertaining action/adventure flick. As a sequel, it's a feeble succession of poorly rendered CGI and campy rehashes. It's energetic enough to provide an easy night of entertainment, and believe me I enjoy watching this highly entertaining film, but it's far below the standard of its predecessor and the classic adventure films it tries to mirror. I'm aware that we go to the movies with a healthy suspension of disbelief, but The Mummy Returns takes it way too far. The original The Mummy provided an easy night of fun and entertainment and it never takes itself too seriously. This sequel is ridiculous and unbelievable, flaunting irritating camera work and scarce originality. Followed by The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. A spin-off also exists, entitled The Scorpion King.

"This is where the law stops...and I begin!"

It was never meant to be a brilliant Shakespearean drama, it was never meant to take itself too seriously and it was never made with the intention of making something groundbreaking...so take Cobra for what it is: Stallone in his prime with a gun in hand and a tonne of bad guys waiting for him to kill.

The 80's action genre is one that I am a massive fan of; the simplicity of the plots and no complex plot turns means that you can sit back and have a fun time without experiencing anything that will alter your life.

Stallone plays a veteran cop nicknamed Cobra who is part of the "zombie squad". Cobra is renowned for his quick and violent dispatches of those who deserve it. As the film opens we are made fully aware of this as he uses guns and cheesy one-liners. A serial killer rattles the city with a series of killings of random civilians. Cobra isn't allowed to be a part of the investigation, but doesn't take 'no' for an answer.

Of course, this serial killer plot is an excuse to fill the screen with non-stop violence, and let the body count rise in traditional Stallone style. The plot is thin and pretty much dissipates as the film becomes nothing more than an entertaining slaughter and mindless entertainment.

Of course Stallone's performance is far from perfect (in fact it's quite terrible in places) but he is in great shape and delivers the action we've come to expect from these kinds of movies. Like Arnie, Van Damme and Chuck Norris; Sly loves the formula of making wafer thin plots with lame one-liners and awesome action. He does not disappoint on this front.

It's very predictable as well, not to mention the startling number of conventional characters that appear. For example Stallone is the only intelligent cop, all the rest of the police on the force are complete dummies. The film is also highly clichéd and contains an array of quite embarrassing performances.

Director George P. Cosmatos teams up with Sly once again to create a very Rambo reminiscent production. If this film was marketed as a Rambo sequel and had battles of a larger scale then you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. It's films like these that got Stallone type-cast. Films as mindless and as entertaining as Cobra are just never released anymore these days.

Full of violence, action and gore; in short, if you love action movies then hire this one without hesitation. Lots of fun, but it's not a masterpiece.

"Sir, do we get to win this time?"

It was fate that after the massive worldwide success of First Blood that Stallone would be compelled to reel out another film.

Rambo: First Blood Part II casually tosses away the intelligence and charm of the first movie. Instead of a character study it's a simple mindless heartless study of characters being blown apart in creative ways. Of course this is in no way a negative because this is the king of all action heroes with a massive machine gun, a rack or ammunition and one enormous knife used to dispatch the grunts. However, a straight-up heartless action adventure movie is never going to be a masterpiece like the first movie.

Rambo: First Blood Part II is a lot more cartoonish and brainless. It is the furthest thing from a brilliant movie but at least it scores as moderately good entertainment. The script penned by Stallone and James Cameron compliments the excellent over-the-top battles that I found myself enjoying quite a lot. This is mediocrity at its best!

After the events of the first film, Vietnam veteran John J. Rambo (Stallone) is found breaking stones and being forced to work while in prison. Rambo's former mentor Col. Trautman (Crenna) offers Rambo a shot at redemption and an opportunity to be removed from prison. But he must be sent into the heart of the Vietnam jungle in a top-secret confidential operation to investigate the possible existence of American POWs that weren't released when the war concluded. While in the middle of the jungle and stirring up all hell with tonnes of surrounding soldiers, Rambo is abandoned and betrayed. Now Rambo must prove accomplished with a firearm; unleashing a completely badass one-man war.

Rambo: First Blood Part II is increasingly stupid and lacks the ingenuity of its predecessor. After about a 40-minute build up we are then treated to 40 minutes of non-stop action and corny, embarrassingly laughable dialogue.

If you're looking for a bunch of action then I'm sure you'll be delighted. If you're looking for intelligence and absorbing characters like the first film, don't watch it. If you don't like the action genre, don't watch it. I cannot stress that enough.

Stallone is still a strong actor who gives Rambo everything he has. Wielding an assortment of different guns and killing hundreds of men...this is the kind of film that action lovers have wet dreams about. There's plenty of explosions and a fantastic arsenal as well as a great array of expertly executed stunts. Richard Crenna, as always, is a great Trautman. The biggest cliché present in the film is that the villains are all villains without a shadow of a doubt. They look evil, they speak as if they're evil, they commit evil acts. In the first film there were no clear-cut heroes or villains. The audience interpreted it for themselves.

Rambo: First Blood Part II is an action film that is destructive and entertaining. Being a fan of the action genre I found myself really enjoying the action that the film had to offer. Unfortunately, there was nothing else to find here. Followed by Rambo III.

"You know what you are. What you're made of. War is in your blood. Don't fight it. You didn't kill for your country. You killed for yourself. God's never gonna make that go away. When you're pushed, killing's as easy as breathing."

It's been a long time since the decade of the 80s concluded. This was a decade when action films were ripe and extensively successful: they were brutal, violent and entertaining. In the era of contemporary action movies, violence is commonly diluted to accomplish a docile classification appropriate for a mainstream audience. Action lovers desired more...they were sick of the childish, watered-down violence being portrayed. When an aging Sylvester Stallone announced the creation of a fourth Rambo movie, his objective was to resurrect the classic gratuitous violence merged with scenes infused with utterly incredible action. Stallone acknowledged what his fans sought after. Thus when he produced the fourth adventure for the illustrious John J. Rambo he wasn't making it for box office receipts, he wasn't making a film that would be hailed by critics...Stallone was making a movie purely and genuinely for the multitude of fans that yearned for the return of old school, over-the-top, hardcore action violence that was once so prominent in the 80s. On this guarantee he delivered. He delivered perfectly.

Stallone was commended when he wet the appetites of his fans, and the first trailer for Rambo (at that time entitled John Rambo) was distributed over the internet - this was a red-band, uncut trailer that displayed several incredible minutes of hardcore violence as graphic and realistic as Steven Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan. Hordes of fans were already aching to see the final product because they distinguished that Stallone had completed his job correctly. Of course, the critics severely panned Stallone's Rambo - they labelled it as pointless, pure action porn. On the other hand, the audiences received what they had expected and applauded Stallone for his relentless images of war. The writer/director/star did not succumb to the watered down violence for juveniles, and for that he gained loads of respect. The man returned action to its roots: interesting characters, witty lines, classic formula and lots of violence. The character of Rambo is also returned to his roots: not much dialogue, instead using facial expressions to tell his story. Even more impressive is the lack of clichés. Sure, the whole film is structured using the old formula. But there is no love interest despite the presence of a female, there are no dumb characters that have little faith in the hero, and there are no futile set-ups for elaborate deaths. In fact, the action scenes are scattered sparingly across the film's running time. For a man over the age of 60, Stallone deserves nothing but commendation and admiration for his persistence and ultimate success.

The film finds legendary troubled Vietnam veteran John J. Rambo (Stallone) living a secluded, inconsolable life in Thailand. Rambo has left his past behind him, instead indulging in the undemanding career of a snake wrangler. Rambo currently resides just downriver from the appalling genocide unfolding in nearby Burma. He is approached by a group of Christian missionaries, lead by a man named Michael (Schulze). These missionaries implore him to assist in taking them upriver into Burma. Although reluctant at first, Rambo agrees to take them into the chaos that has been the site of genocide for many years. Following the apprehension and incarceration of the missionaries by the fierce Burmese military, their church are informed and become determined to save them. The pastor of the church hires a group of mercenaries to travel into Burma to extract and rescue the innocent Christian missionaries. John J. Rambo dons his head-band and comes out of retirement one last time to battle the malicious Burmese soldiers in the thick jungle...the landscape in which Rambo was trained to battle.

Screenwriter Stallone takes his time building up to the action sequences. The film's first half sets up a plot that exists before diving into a world of utter chaos and incredible action. For authenticity in its depiction of the Burma, Stallone decided to dedicate the film's opening sequence to a montage of actual newsreel footage portraying the atrocities that are occurring in that part of the world everyday. Throughout the film's first half, we are incessantly shown the genocide that continues to unfold as the military choose new target villages with each new day. Stallone announced in an interview that he wanted the fourth John Rambo film to be about something...about humanity and its current state. Thus, he dives head first into the site of the longest running war in the world. Stallone handles the material with style: his uncompromising representation of Burma is gritty, brutal and horrifying. Rambo masquerades as an action/adventure film when in fact it's also a film that spreads awareness of the Burmese situation. By portraying the area using so much graphic violence the audience therefore considers the situation with greater scrutiny. The critics that despised the film so much simply do not understand the film. It's their loss.

Even at a ripe old age of 61, classic action icon Sylvester Stallone still has it in him. I do not care for those who find ease in insulting the man due to his HGH scandal in 2007. People's judgments on actors sometimes taint their image on the certain actor's films. If you're seriously avoiding this film because you believe Stallone is on steroids then it's impossible to take your cinematic views sincerely. Julie Benz is a superb member of the supporting cast. She plays a Christian missionary named Sarah. She is not a love interest so to speak, although Rambo does jump through hoops for her. But it's not because Rambo has taken a fondness for her and is looking for a lay - Sarah has profoundly touched his soul, and has allowed him to heighten his faithfulness towards humankind. Rambo is happily oblivious to world events because he's living a life of desolation, until Sarah opens his eyes to the capability of one human life. Also in the cast there's an ideal bunch of actors portraying the mercenaries who travel into Burma. There are some great lines of dialogue for all of them to deliver.

Rambo is also equipped with homages to the previous films, including a dream sequence depicting a montage to remind the audience of Rambo's past, and music that suitably mirrors Jerry Goldsmith's original score. The music present here is astounding. When powerful atrocities are being showcased there's a profoundly, deeply moving score to accompany the visuals. Sometimes the touching music will bring you to the verge of tears. If something like that is present in a pure action movie then the filmmakers have completed their objective. Also worth noting is the film's sound mix. The ambience of the Burmese jungle is captured wonderfully...all the gunfights and explosions sound spectacular. It's easy to become engaged in the action with such amazing sound effects that all sound natural.

Overall, Rambo is a perfect way to bring the infamous action hero full circle. We find the character returning to his roots and returning to a life he once knew before experiencing an unplanned turmoil in First Blood. Stallone reminds his fans that he is still here and ready to work despite his age. After striking such triumph with Rocky Balboa, another of his characters has been brought to a wholly satisfying conclusion. Of course, this film is far from perfect. It's very formulaic, but all audiences just love cheering when they witness the bad guys getting their comeuppance in brutal, satisfying ways. The intelligence of First Blood also lacks (like Rambo setting traps and ambushes, etc); however it would be hard to imagine the character pulling off elaborately planned traps at his current age. Rambo is solid, top-notch entertainment. It's incredibly awesome, absolutely entertaining and very realistic. The gore factor is, at times, astounding! Stallone promised to dish up violence that the action genre hasn't birthed for decades. He succeeded beyond all expectations. Despite the negative reviews from the critics, I wholly enjoyed Rambo and will continue to do so with each new screening. If you're looking for a good old-fashioned action movie full of realistic violence and gore then it's time to visit the latest adventure of John Rambo. This is an action film masterpiece!

"God would have mercy. He won't."

With Stallone endlessly reeling out follow-ups to both Rocky and First Blood there is little wonder why he got type-cast, and why interest in both series kept dropping. Personally I find the products of Stallone's sequels aren't as dreadful as the critics seemed to think. Each new Rambo movie is another great addition to the action genre.


Rambo III doesn't deserve all the pasting it received (even by Stallone himself during a recent interview). This film is meant to be part of the action genre. With this objective in mind it succeeds spectacularly. From top to bottom the film is nothing but badass action, explosions and lots of killing. If you want a good action movie, Rambo III definitely delivers.


In this instalment we find the classic troubled Vietnam veteran John J. Rambo (Stallone) living a secluded life in a monastery. His old mentor Colonel Trautman (Crenna) is captured by the Russians and held prisoner in heavily guarded Soviet territory. As a mark of respect for Trautman, Rambo of course takes it upon himself to launch a rescue mission. With the help of some Afghan rebels, Rambo assembles enough ammunition to satisfy a small army and heads into Soviet territory.


From that point on the rest of the movie is nothing but action - guns, explosions, helicopters, tanks, Rambo's bow, Rambo's knife and plenty of ammunition.


Rambo III is probably on par with the second Rambo film. It's just cartoonish violence with little evidence of a plot holding it together. I am a massive fan of the action genre; hence I was very satisfied with the high level of action and violence. Lots of people get killed in creative ways. The final battle in particular is everything we have come to expect from the Rambo series.


Sylvester Stallone was presented with a Razzie Award for Worst Actor. It's entirely your opinion whether you agree with this decision or not. Personally I think the man is underrated. There is potential talent in other genres. For the first Rocky film he was even nominated for an Oscar (two Oscars actually - one for Best Actor, another for Best Screenplay). I find it unfair that the Razzie committee take such pleasure in giving Stallone so much criticism. In this film his performance isn't that bad. I will admit, though, that there's a lot of screaming, a lot of contrived line deliveries and plenty of opportunities to show off his muscular physique. Once again this is an action movie so don't expect an Oscar-worthy performance.


The director was also given a Razzie Award nomination for Worst Director. The directing is standard for the action genre. Action is entertaining, the drama is absurd. Rambo III was also given a very high budget so it looks quite epic at times. The action in particular is on a large scale. Several other Razzie Award nominations include Worst Picture and Worst Screenplay. The screenplay is actually quite terrible. There was an attempt at providing back-story and character development. This failed spectacularly. Much of the dialogue sounds wooden and lifeless. Once again, an action film is expected to contain this content.


Rambo III lacks the intelligence and ingenuity of First Blood; instead this has been replaced with an enormous rack of ammunition and firearms. This is definitely the weakest Rambo movie but it's certainly tolerable and it has an astronomical entertainment value.

"I beat you to the buyers, and now I've beat you to the mark. I'm sorry, but I think I picked the wrong guy to be my hero."

Richard Donner delivers the goods as usual with Assassins; an entertaining, well-crafted action thriller that cannot be missed by fans of the genre. Naturally Sylvester Stallone is pretty close to his tough guy action hero. He can use a gun stylishly and he can kill in cold blood; however the body count is surprisingly low considering Sly's modest reputation for over-the-top action movies.


Stallone plays professional hitman Robert Rath who is considered the best at his profession. Over many years he has made a big name for himself for his stylish ways of fulfilling contracts assigned to him via electronic communication. Robert is now old and visibly past his prime; he wants out of the business no questions asked. After accepting a final job from his long-time employer, what follows is a manhunt as young hitman Miguel Bain (Banderas) starts hunting Robert with the intent of becoming the number 1 hitman in the world.


I won't spoil anymore for you, because then it just wouldn't be as fun with all the interesting (and surprisingly unpredictable) plot twists that lead to a very intense climax.


Stallone is at his usual standard here; sometimes the subtitles function looks very attractive during some of his dialogue scenes, and sometimes you just can't keep your eyes off the screen while he's carrying a firearm. Truth be told his dialogue isn't as unbearable as it usually is. Contrary to popular belief he puts determination and commitment into one of his roles. He may be type-cast as a typical single-note action hero and it's understandable. Stallone is quite underrated and has produced a bunch of action films that are decent slices of entertainment. One would never expect someone like Antonio Banderas to show up in a film like this. He plays his psychotic hitman role extremely well. Banderas is certainly much better than one would have initially expected. He's very dark, cool and well conceived. Julianne Moore is another surprising addition to the cast. Starring as a hacker, a very game Moore does what she can with a fairly mediocre screenplay.


The directing by Richard Donner is first-rate and high class: especially during the action scenes. This stellar directing is to be expected when one examines other films on Richard Donner's résumé. The man who gave the world the Lethal Weapon series uses his traditional Hollywood style: lots of blood, lots of action, lots of things blowing up.


The film was written in the days preceding The Matrix and hence The Wachowski Brothers hadn't yet made a name for themselves. The two brothers can write a good screenplay. It's filled with intriguing plot twists and exciting concepts for different action scenes. Of course these creative action scenes are given the visual royal treatment.


Overall, I found Assassins to be highly enjoyable and underrated. The film suffered lots of criticism and it still does. I, however, thought that it was a good mix of action and thrills. Granted this action film is long and tedious with a running time of over 2 hours, but the intense climax is worth every minute of the build up. Certainly worth seeing.

As I was going up the stairs
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish he'd go away.

Looking for an eerie, atmospheric thriller with elements of mystery and suspense? Identity is unquestionably one of the finest contemporary thrillers of late that convincingly meets those specifications. I decided to watch Identity because of its solid reputation. Although extremely lacking in its stupendous dialogue, this film delivers a plethora of effective thrills and shocks. There are also cryptic elements adding to the mystery that will keep you guessing until the end credits begin to roll.


Due to the film's neat (and wholly unpredictable) ending I don't wish to provide a deep plot synopsis in fear of gross spoilers. Succinctly, a man convicted of murdering 6 people is due to be executed in 24 hours. On a rainy evening the convicted man's doctor (Molina) sheds light on new evidence that could suggest his patient is insane and did not willingly commit the murders.


In a parallel storyline that is also vitally connected to the first plot, 10 strangers are stranded inside a motel in the middle of the Nevada desert during a torrential rain storm. This group of conventional characters suffer through a string of improbably strange but connected events. A whodunit serial killer plot emerges as the 10 strangers begin getting killed off one by one. The unusual aspect about the murders is that as each person dies, a room key is placed next to them. With each victim a numbered room key is discovered...starting with 10 in descending order. As tensions rise and fingers are pointed, the seemingly unrelated strangers must get to the bottom of the mystery. With no communication through phones or radios and people getting killed off in disturbing ways, the stage is set for something interesting to happen.


This intense horror/thriller moves at an incredibly slick pace. The stylish filmmaking knows no bounds as you will find it truly impossible to feel at all bored.


Identity is excellently crafted by director James Mangold. The murder tale is taken straight from an Agatha Christie novel (Ten Little Indians) and creates a completely satisfying film that boasts an absolutely mind-blowing, amazing twist ending. This ending is almost on par with The Sixth Sense and Psycho. I never would have thought that the genre could produce another twist ending of such a high quality. As clues and cryptic puzzles are presented throughout the movie, you will be endlessly guessing. There isn't time for wise guy assumptions as this is no ordinary by-the-numbers affair - as a matter of fact it's the furthest thing from it. As the twist presents itself you will be in you seat completely speechless with your mouth wide open.


Identity also managed to draw me in with its terrific cast. Said cast is lead by the impeccable John Cusack. This is one incredibly determined performer - an actor who capably establishes a genuine atmosphere of dread and horror. Ray Liotta is an outstanding addition to the cast. From his first scene he effectively institutes his character as authoritative and commanding. This immaculate concentration is never broken. Rounding out the rest of the cast we also have a remarkable Amanda Peet, a creepy John Hawkes, a fascinating Alfred Molina in addition to many other fantastic names like John C. McGinley, William Lee Scott, Clea DuVall and Jake Busey.


Despite a top-notch cast the horrible lines of dialogue can't be overshadowed. Each scene is slickly filmed, directed and edited - but the dialogue is laughably woeful. One cheesy lines bridges into the next cheesy line. Naturally, a thriller like this contains a few predictable scares as well.


Identity flaunts a silly script that is substantially uplifted by the unpredictable and unconventional ending. The final 20 minutes will astonish you. In the long run this film had some wasted potential and occasionally it's extremely silly; however this thriller is better than a lot of rubbish we see too frequently coming from Hollywood these days.

Jack Conrad: "You know, I don't know who you are, and I don't care. But I don't play games."

Ian Breckel: "You don't have to win... but everbody plays."

There's something moralistically baffling about a balls-to-the-wall action flick that simultaneously celebrates violence and scolds an audience for celebrating violence...

This above sentence refers to The Condemned; a WWE-produced action film helmed by Scott Wiper (A Better Way to Die is another entry to this director's CV). Borrowing heavily from Battle Royale, The Most Dangerous Game and The Running Man, it's apparent that this derivative production won't merit any points for originality. That said, The Condemned is an exploitative and entertaining action film that delivers precisely what any viewer expects: graphic violence, pulse-pounding action, and muscular performers generally beating the absolute crap out of each other. It will never receive any Oscars (or any prestigious awards, for that matter), nor will it be deemed a masterpiece. In addition, this certainly isn't the greatest action flick the industry has to offer (it's a breeding ground for clichés, for instance, and there are too many missteps that prevent it from being anything overly special). However, if you're seeking a straightforward actioner crammed with mindless violence that doesn't pull any punches, then get together a few mates, order pizza, pop open a cold one and enjoy The Condemned.

WWE wrestler "Stone Cold" (a.k.a. Steven Austin) plays Jack Conrad; an American with a mysterious past who's incarcerated in an El Salvadorian prison. He's granted a reprieve, however, when ambitious reality television producer Ian Breckel (Mammone) selects him as part of his latest project. Ian acquires ten death row inmates from various global prisons and places them on a remote island. These condemned individuals are allotted thirty hours to fight each other to the death. The sole survivor of the bloodbath will be given freedom and sufficient cash to commence a new life. In essence, Breckel's show is reminiscent of the golden days of the Colosseum when gladiators fought to the death as a form of entertainment.

Meanwhile, as the violence unfolds, the camera-infested island broadcasts the legally questionable carnage across the internet. Anyone in the world willing to pay fifty bucks can witness this live snuff film.

The Condemned can be easily recommended to action movie connoisseurs. The mayhem is brutal, hard-hitting, entrenched in realism, and (despite a sagging middle act) in abundance. A few interesting action set-pieces make for enjoyable viewing, and the island (photographed in Queensland, Australia) is a great location for the chaos to unfold. Especially during the middle section there's far too much yakking in between the action, and the filmmakers seem to believe the best way to shoot fight scenes is to make them somewhat incomprehensible. The choreography is top-notch (crafted by Australian martial arts legend Richard Norton), but nearly every violent conflict is lensed with shaky, handheld camera...it all appears to be a nauseating blur. We see people pummelling each other, and we occasionally get a sense of who's who, but we usually have to wait for the fight to conclude before we can properly comprehend what actually transpired. The frenetic editing exacerbates this problem by cutting every nanosecond or so. Rectification of this problem was staring the filmmakers in the face: why not utilise the footage Ian Breckel and his team are capturing? Why not show the majority of a battle from the perspective of a paying viewer, watching the carnage from their computer? This'd make the action far more interesting and, honestly, more edifying. Unfortunately, outside of a bar full of Jack Conrad's friends, the film never shows anyone else who paid to watch this internet blood sport.

Director Scott Wiper, it seems, isn't quite satisfied with helming a mere exploitation film. The Condemned comes armed with a message: consumers love violence. People like the odious Breckel become rich as long as viewers flock to this stuff in droves. Years ago, this may have been considered provocative; today, however, it's trite, and it disastrously decelerates the pace.

Superfluous subplots also emerge in spades, proving very harmful to the pacing. Breckel's underlings constantly bicker as they are confronted with silly attacks of conscience. There's also a love story between Conrad and a girl back home. This exists purely as a foundation on which to build a corny happy ending. Naturally, the FBI also becomes involved. This addition, however, is shallow. The FBI ultimately does nothing useful. It isn't even properly exploited (imagine the possibilities of an FBI raid of Breckel's island...), therefore coming off as unnecessary.

Despite the aforementioned criticisms, the film isn't without its upsides. The Condemned remains a fairly enjoyable romp featuring one-liners and action, even if the adrenaline stops pumping for corny chit-chat every so often. Director Wiper has made a commendable creative decision to eschew digital effects and green screen, predominantly employing the WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get) approach. As a result, the film feels far grittier.

A majority of the characters are stock personalities hardly developed past the first dimension. Character development doesn't exist beyond demonstrations of a character's fighting ability. It's extremely gruelling to keep up with who's been dispatched and who's still alive due to the congregation of mainly forgettable characters. The only truly memorable characters are Austin's Jack Conrad and Vinnie Jones' Ewan McStarley. Ultimately, after the other cookie-cutters have been eliminated in predictable ways, it's a duel between these two. Their climactic one-on-one conflict, though, is frequently baffling on account of the camera (which experiences an epileptic seizure any time there's an action sequence).

Steven Austin has a terrific screen presence owing to his hulking appearance. There's little doubt he has potential as a hero, but this is an unsuitable vehicle for the actor. Based on the evidence available here it's difficult to ascertain whether or not he's capable of delivering dialogue - aside from a few conversations (during which he's fairly soft-spoken) he doesn't have much to say.

Vinnie Jones, as always, is excellent. He's a menacing villain and certainly one of the highlights of this movie. Robert Mammone stars as the selfish reality television producer. He hits all the correct notes and comes across as pretty despicable. Other additions to the cast include Rick Hoffman (remember him from Hostel?), Tory Mussett (appearing under the name of Victoria Mussett), Manu Bennett, Madeleine West, Christopher Baker, Sam Healy, Luke Pegler, Emelia Burns and Dasi Ruz - all providing acceptable support. Most notable, though, is Masa Yamaguchi who seems extremely keen during his fight sequences.

Perhaps a re-edited version of The Condemned (removing the tedious and superfluous subplots) would accelerate the pacing and allow for more testosterone-fuelled entertainment. At two hours long, this movie is too lengthy and at times too gruelling. It needed a more concise running time, more action and less exposition. But there's still the problem of the camerawork...

For a film produced by WWE, The Condemned is better than expected...but this remains a faint praise. It's not as cheesy as John Cena's The Marine or as preposterous as Kane's See No Evil, but this had the potential to be a better movie. With a more competent director (as well as a superior cinematographer, for that matter) and a considerable trim, The Condemned could have fulfilled its potential. In the end, however, this picture gets enough right, and it's enjoyable without being too taxing.

Soldier...teacher...hero!

Detention is simply a straightforward throwback to the ridiculously enjoyable '80s action pictures of old - a generic compound of action flick clichés that gleans various ingredients from Die Hard and The Breakfast Club (an odd amalgam, I know), minus the extravagant special effects of the former and the deep characterisations of the latter. This is the epitome of absurdity; a brisk 95-minute excursion into over-the-top theatrics, conventional scenarios, gaping plot holes and teenage pregnancy. Dolph Lundgren is growing old, but in an action arena he's commendably self-assured. Detention isn't a masterpiece by any means, nor does it redefine the majestic art of bullet ballet. It's brainless to extremes, but (like all action films should) it entertains to no end. This is exactly the type of action flick that would emerge during the '80s; therefore witnessing this style of old-school action is frankly revitalising a bit over a decade since the 1980s concluded.

Sam Decker (Lundgren) is a former Special Forces operative who's haunted following a tour of duty in Bosnia. Ten years following this fateful tour of duty, Sam has become a school teacher at a tough high school. He had aimed to make a difference, but he becomes frustrated and angered by a system that doesn't appear to work. Sam submits his letter of resignation, as he's been offered a better position elsewhere. Unfortunately, on his final day (Friday) he gets coerced into staying after school to manage a detention class. Unfortunately, too, a well-organised group of gunmen invade the supposedly deserted school to use it as a base of operations for an armed car robbery. These gunmen, however, didn't expect Sam and his detention class to still be on school grounds... Cue violence and carnage.

Detention adheres to the Die Hard formula, but it isn't loaded with any intelligence. Plot holes flourish, and the silliness of the entire affair is guaranteed to trigger bucket-loads of derisive sniggers. Guns fire an unlimited supply of ammunition (pistols sometimes fire off roughly 30 rounds at a time without reloading), bad guys can never shoot straight, the hero endures a few gunshots (to the arm, of course, as bullets can never hit anywhere else) but shrugs them off, and (naturally) the cops are a bit on the corrupt side. Also, how can a criminal mastermind not anticipate any after school activities? Why would the high school have a total lockdown mode, which locks even the emergency exits (which is illegal)? What if the security guard controlling the lockdown fell asleep or was killed and was unable to switch off the lockdown? If the school is locked down, how can the characters reach the roof during the climax? But hey - who needs logic and brains when you have shell casings continually being expended and large-scale shootouts?

On a positive note, Detention is extremely enjoyable on account of the competent filmmaking on display. Director Sidney J. Furie has been in the industry for many decades, and his direction is first-rate here. The action is filmed in an old-school fashion, using wide shots and pans as opposed to shaky cam and shots lasting a nanosecond. Detention is infused with everything 80s - an 80's-style formula, 80's-style characters, and 80's-style filmmaking techniques. This is great entertainment...you just need to leave your brain at the door and suspend your disbelief, and you'll be fine. In other words, it's a guilty pleasure. And a damn enjoyable one!

Dolph Lundgren plays the typical trigger happy one-man army type very well, although he does appear to be operating on autopilot most of the time. There are a few notable moments for Dolph, especially his semi-amusing one-liners (after killing a corrupt cop, he exclaims "Now you're a deadbeat cop!")

Beside Dolph there's Alex Krazis as Chester Lamb; the mastermind behind the whole operation. The actor places forth an acceptable performance, harkening back to the golden age of the 80s. His character is poorly written, granted, but he's sinister when the occasion calls for it.

The cast is rounded out by various actors portraying the students who fight back against the troupe of gunmen. The bad guys, of course, are easy to despise.

All in all, Detention is simply a good old-fashioned, clichéd, 80's-style action flick, coated in a thick layer of cheese and silliness. From a critical standpoint this is an awful movie; however, every so often even a critic should just sit back and enjoy the ride. There's a lot of fun to be had in amongst the plethora of proficient action sequences and amusing one-liners. I enjoyed it from start to finish. If you're into bad action films, Detention is one to rent and/or perhaps add to your collection.

"Mustang V8 Fastback. Took the best, made it better. Now we had some fun customising a personal protection package - three quarter inch steel plate, front and sides. Bulletproof glass will be here, here and there. And in the rear...a six inch solid steel shield we call the Tombstone."

A brisk, bone-crunching modern re-imagining of the 1975 Roger Corman B-Movie classic, Death Race delivers precisely what its title promises: cars and carnage. There are a lot of things for serious critics and film-goers to hate about this film - it's a loose big-budget remake of a true grindhouse classic, there's plenty of gory violence for the sake of exploitation, it's undeniably sleazy, and it pretends to be a social commentary - but (in a very tangible way) this is truly missing the point, as Death Race was created to revel in meaningless sadism. Director Paul W.S. Anderson has assembled a fun, hardcore action flick that's weak in terms of plot and characterisation, but strong in the visceral action sequences (something the target audience will likely be seeking). Screenwriters Robert Thom and Charles Griffith bring the vehicle combat of Corman's Death Race 2000 into a penal environment where hardened criminals race for a shot at freedom. Pedestrian bystanders (which were run down by the drivers for points in the original) are removed from the equation entirely - drivers are instead required to just eliminate their adversaries. In this regard, only the very basic premise and the names of the two main drivers are carried over from the 1975 film (a few other sly references are also thrown in, though).

Death Race is set in the year 2012. With America's economy in tattered shreds, unemployment rates through the roof, crime rates on the rise, and gladiatorial sports growing more popular, the corporate forces managing the penal system devise a brilliant plan to raise funds and efficiently deal with the inordinate amount of criminals overcrowding the country's prisons - armour-plated cars are rigged with machine guns (as well as an assortment of additional weaponry), convicts are placed behind the wheel, and these prisoners strafe their way around the deadly track for a chance to earn their freedom. It rapidly becomes an internet pay-per-view sensation, overseen by the prison's icy warden (Allen) and featuring a bunch of colourful drivers. But the most popular participant of the Death Race, Frankenstein (Carradine, who played the character in the original film), is unfortunately killed following his latest race.
Framed for the murder of his wife, Jensen Ames (Statham) is sent to Terminal Island prison where the Death Race takes place. He's given the opportunity to partake in the brutal sporting event, racing in the place of the deceased Frankenstein. Given a kick-ass car armed to the teeth with a variety of weapons and defensive gadgets in order for him to commit vehicular destruction on a massive, chaotic scale, Jensen races for victory and his freedom.

Let's be realistic - the plot is worthless. Death Race is all about hard driving, bullets and mega explosions, of which there are plenty. Each vehicle (the designs reminiscent of Mad Max II) is equipped with a variety of Gatling guns, missiles, napalm, oil slicks, swords, flame throwers and every other weapon imaginable. The drivers do everything possible to inflict life threatening injury on the other competitors using said weaponry. For good measure, the warden also throws in a number of obstacles intended to cause widespread destruction to the Death Race participants.
After introducing all the disposable characters and setting up the paper-thin plot over a half-hour, the race commences. As one would expect, there are several mini-climaxes as Jensen faces off against a motley assortment of scumbags, including the vicious Machine Gun Joe (Gibson). The climax is a tad unexpected and slightly unconventional, although it is telegraphed pretty early. The conclusion is perfunctory and, surprisingly, doesn't offer the true satisfaction some might desire.

"You wanted a monster? Well, you've got one."

Roger Corman's Death Race 2000, while being hilariously entertaining, set its satire gun on the American public's lust for violence. With Death Race, director Paul W.S. Anderson takes plenty of stabs at the requirement for ratings, sensationalism, and pay-per-view sports (slightly reminiscent of The Condemned as well as Arnold Schwarzenegger's The Running Man). This satirical edge is underwhelming and dull, however, largely due to the fact that the flick is so claustrophobic. The makers place so much emphasis on the races and the pay-per-view setup that no viewers outside of the prison are ever shown. There is so much talk of ratings, of millions of viewers paying to watch, and yet the film never offers any images of families crowding around their televisions lusting for blood. But can we really expect a feature of this nature to present a clear and effective social commentary? After all, the more you ponder the picture and its premise, the more plot-destroying questions you stumble upon - for instance, if the majority of Americans are poor and jobless, how can they afford to spend $250 to watch the Death Race?

Of course, Death Race is all about the testosterone. The well-choreographed action is the real reason to watch this flick, and it's accompanied by a head-banging musical score courtesy of Paul Haslinger. The film is a noisy hard-R affair that pours the action on thick and violently at the 30-minute mark and never looks back. The usual Paul W.S. Anderson rapid-fire editing still remains, but it's not as pronounced or as distracting as one might expect. While it's true the cars are far less imaginative than those in Death Race 2000, they're still pretty cool in that fetishistic Mad Max kind of way. None of the vehicles are slick or sleek - they're armed and armoured tanks. While the scenery gets a bit drab after a while (the racing always occurs on the same track, whereas Corman's original had bright, picturesque locations), interesting gimmicks are introduced in each new race to prevent us from getting bored. Director Anderson's adherence to practical stunts and effects as opposed to cartoonish CGI results in some impressive, intense, thrilling races punctuated by gunfire, fireballs, rolls and spectacular collisions. These effects are refreshing to say the least, and lend a gritty feel to the movie. They're also extraordinarily violent, as drivers (and their female navigators) are splattered at high speeds; ripped to shreds by bullets or buzz-saws, or atomised by enormous explosions. It's not called Death Race for nothing!

Director Paul W.S. Anderson has Mortal Kombat, Alien vs. Predator and three Resident Evil films under his belt (all video game adaptations), but Death Race is more like a video game than all five of 'em combined! The cars even have power ups! These deadly cars are armed to the teeth, but the drivers are unable to unleash any firepower without driving over a sword-shaped icon on the racetrack. Their defensive gear - smoke bombs, oil slicks, etc. - will only kick in after driving over a shield icon. There are even death icons, which trigger a lethal object to rise out of the track and destroy the doomed car. All that's missing is a health bar in the corner.

An impressive cast has been assembled for Death Race. Apart from the eminently likable Statham, Tyrese Gibson plays the villain, and (to the horror of film critics everywhere) Joan Allen also appears.
Jason Statham has rapidly ascended to star status over recent years. Such films as the Transporter trilogy, Crank, Cellular and War have established the actor as a charismatic action star. In Death Race, his appealing mixture of toughness and sympathy gives us a hero worth rooting for amidst the otherwise one-dimensional selection of characters. Meanwhile, Tyrese Gibson appears in the role of Machine Gun Joe - a character originally growled by a young Sylvester Stallone in the original 1975 flick. Gibson is a stereotypical, customary action movie villain who detests the hero and is willing to kill even members of his own crew.
For someone of Joan Allen's stature to appear in this movie is simply baffling. She adjusts herself well, however, presenting Warden Hennessey as a badass in a skirt and high heels - the type of woman viewers love to hate. Her profane diatribes are quite amusing. In the supporting cast, Ian McShane comports himself appropriately as one of Frankenstein's mechanics. And that's about it when it comes to the main cast. There aren't any truly stand-out performances here, but everyone does an adequate job of allowing the film to move smoothly from A to B.

"Now that's entertainment."

An ambitious combination of The Condemned, The Running Man and Mad Max, Death Race is just an enjoyable, fast-moving exploitation action flick, which (against all odds) is superior to the 1975 Roger Corman classic on countless levels. Characters are barely developed, and the script avoids creating meandering subplots, so the flick just screams along for a brisk 95 minutes. The runtime is probably longer than it should be, but the pacing is rapid and there's hardly a dull minute. There's nothing even remotely original about the story (with a wronged, vengeful hero, some one-note villains, an obligatory romance, etc.) and the satire aspect is fairly dull, yet Anderson has still crafted an entertaining guilty pleasure - exactly the type of film he wanted to deliver. Let's face it...an action flick with the title Death Race was never going to appear on any annual Top 10 lists or anything. This is just a big, loud, gloriously dumb action romp overflowing with over-the-top vehicular slaughter. It ain't a particular great movie, but the mayhem is highly enjoyable. Sometimes that's good enough.

"Now if we don't find a viable means of stopping this fucker, Sharkzilla is gonna own the sea. You own the sea, you own the world. Limeys and the spics got that right. What? I'm an equal opportunity racist."

The critical mind boggles when one is faced with the task of reviewing a film entitled Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. The title itself reveals everything you need to know about this B-Grade monster schlock - the plot, the major set-pieces, and above all the genre. Cinematic schlock is created when a preposterous concept is meshed with an inept approach, generating a perfect storm of celluloid patheticness that guarantees plenty of laughs (intentional or otherwise). There are instances when sheer filmmaking incompetency produces a deliciously awful experience - such movies triggered the creation of the term "so bad it's good". Lovers of such lunacy will adore Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus; this low-budget creature feature filmed in twelve days and completed barely four months afterwards. With its sloppy CGI, uproariously ridiculous plot points and lame acting, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is an instant camp classic as opposed to a standard cinematic stool sample. It's certainly bad, but deliberately so - winking at the audience frequently along the way. Expecting anything from this feature apart from a good time revelling in awfulness would be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Now, the plot... Wow, this'll be easy. A Megalodon shark and a gigantic octopus were frozen in mid-combat back during the Ice Age. Millions of years later, the glacier containing these prehistoric combatants melts, reviving the creatures. After these monsters wreak havoc on the world and inflict massive casualties on the human populace (mostly off-screen, which is unfortunate because what we do see is hilariously awesome), a marine scientist (Gibson) along with her newfound Japanese counterpart (Chao) and daffy Irish mentor (Lawlor) are brought in to assist with the situation. Initially the scientists try to capture the gargantuan animals, using pheromones as bait. (Of course, no-one is concerned with how the fuck they'd be able to keep these specimens alive for research...logistics is never an issue for the characters.) But predictably, this plan fails, so it's time for Plan B: lure the two creatures away from civilisation and allow them to fulfil the prophecy of the film's title.

We're subjected to a clichéd "laboratory scene" while the characters are trying to figure out how to kill the titular creatures, wherein the scientists make weird faces, mix coloured liquids in beakers for no reason, look through microscopes and scribble down notes. Lots of jargon is thrown into the script in an attempt to make the military sound authentic as well - plenty of "Plan Delta" and "Zero One Niner". There's even a Japanese submarine supposedly in Japan that's inhabited by a crew who speak perfect English without the slightest hint of a Japanese accent.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus opens with an assortment of inexpensive stock shots of snowy mountains punctuated with inexpensive stock shots of the sea. A helicopter apparently drops some sort of sonic wave thingy into the sea since he's on some kind of top-secret government mission. Be aware that we never actually see said helicopter flying over the water...we're just shown footage of it flying amongst the clouds. The one shot of the helicopter flying is reused about three or four times before the shot is flipped to show the helicopter flying in the opposite direction which is then reused a few times.

The highlight of this motion picture is undoubtedly the hilarious sequence during which the Mega Shark attacks an airborne passenger plane...the shark literally leaps thousands of feet out of the water and grabs the jet with its mouth. Never mind that the impact upon landing back in the ocean should kill the shark. In addition to this, the film's "Money Shot" moment shows the Mega Shark taking a chomp out of the Golden Gate Bridge. Meanwhile, the Giant Octopus swats planes with its tentacles and dismembers an entire oil rig. Absurd and unconvincingly executed, yet it's glorious! Absolutely glorious! The epitome of bad monster movie awesomeness!

See? It's awesome!

Jack Perez writes and directs under the pseudonym of Ace Hannah (I shit you not), loading the screen with overinflated dialogue, well-worn clichés and laughable action sequences. Due to this, you'll be giddily awaiting to see where he'll take this mess next. One assumes Perez billed himself as Ace Hannah to make his name sound more B-Movie-esque. However it's more likely that the man was mortified by what he'd created and desperately wanted to distance himself from it.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is unmistakably fun, but it's also underwhelming. While there are some awesome moments of Mega Shark and Giant Octopus mayhem guaranteed to tickle your B-Movie funny bone, one will be yearning for more. The film unfortunately fails to deliver a truly epic duel between the gigantic sea monsters. The concept is definitely too ambitious given the budgetary restrictions, though every penny appears on the screen. The computer animation looks cheap and is never realistic, but it isn't brutally bad either. The actual fight between the shark and the octopus sadly looks more like a bizarre mating ritual. They bump into each other, and then it appears that the octopus is humping the Megalodon. Perhaps the pheromones made an impact and the thing is trying to fuck its opponent to death.

The filmmakers cut corners whenever possible. Certain computer-animated shots are repeated a lot, including one sequence which features the very same shot three or four times during a ten second period. The shark vs. octopus encounter itself is just the same few shots on a loop. Although the shots are hokey and the repetition is glaringly obvious, they do the job at least, and all the fakery adds to the film's charm. The standard studio sets are also quite comical. Look out for the interior ship set - it's used twice as two different US battleships and once as a Chinese submarine, and it's very obvious as well. Again, it adds to the charm. The editing is pretty shoddy as well. Some live action shots are reused a lot, for instance. On top of this, at one stage the pilot of a jet radios a mayday about being knocked out of the sky before he's actually knocked out of the sky. The same type of thing also occurs during the shark/plane sequence. Once again, this is all part of the charm.

In the cast you'll find former singer Debbie Gibson as the female protagonist and Vic Chao as the Japanese associate - both are hilariously awful. Lorenzo Lamas delivers an expectedly wooden performance with crummy dialogue to match, but he can be forgiven due to his use of the term "Sharkzilla". However, it seems Lamas doesn't actually know what type of film he's making as he appears to take everything a bit too seriously. Alongside these "actors" is Sean Lawlor (whose filmography also includes Braveheart) who at least looks like he's trying. Every piece of bad, laughable dialogue is delivered with straight faces by these performers.

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is gormless, unrealistic, cheesy, and great! The budget doesn't allow the film to fulfil its potential (a big-budget Hollywood remake should be in order), but the 'fun factor' is firmly in place. God knows there are countless criticisms you can throw at the movie, but the enthusiasm cannot be denied. Just watch the film in context and remember exactly what it is. If you like good old-fashioned schlock, this fast-paced 85-minute B-Movie bonanza overflowing with campy glee will bring a smile to your face.

"Nikko was easy. Now it's your turn. One night you'll close your eyes, and when they open I'll be there. It'll be time to die."

Chuck Norris, it would seem, is America's leading brand of all-purpose pest control. Whether it be Russians, mobsters, thieves, ninjas or Satan himself, the bearded superhero possesses the ability to save America from every threat that rears its unpleasant head. 1985's Invasion U.S.A. is a prime example of what the Chuckster can achieve when left to his own devices. Utilising an impressive array of weaponry to dispense his own patented style of vigilante justice, the lethal hero works to protect America from hundreds of heavily-armed Russian soldiers who have unexpectedly stormed the country's sandy shores.

Following the plot (if you will) of Invasion U.S.A. shouldn't be difficult whatsoever. It's as basic, generic and pedestrian as they come, allowing even the terminally stupid to enjoy the proceedings without ever being required to overexert their limited intelligence.
Basically, an army of Russian terrorists led by Soviet agent Mikhail Rostov (Lynch) invade America. Meanwhile, Mr. Norris stars as ex-federal agent/karate expert/alligator wrangler Matt Hunter who's asked to take down Rostov and company by the agency he formerly worked for (leading to a "We really need you this time" scene). Initially he declines, but (as you'd expect from a mid-80s action flick) the bad guy makes the common mistake of taking a bazooka to Hunter's home and killing his friend. Thus, the stage is set for one man against hundreds...and this is fine, because it's 1985 - it's the time of Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and the one-man army genre.

What ensues is a full-scale (in Miami at least) attack on American civilians as Rostov's troops take to the streets with weapons aplenty (their preferred choice of human destruction being the trusty rocket launcher). The National Guard eventually shows up to control to the civil unrest and defend the streets (though not effectively). The backdrop of Invasion U.S.A. is the grand standoff between the USA and the USSR, but the story more or less only amounts to a local mano-a-mano grudge-match between Hunter and Rostov. The thought-process behind Rostov's decision to seek vengeance upon Hunter is murky, but it has something to do with Rostov being unable to get a good night's sleep.

Did I mention Hunter is psychic? I should have, 'cause he is. Whenever the terrorists are about to strike, Hunter shows up to spoil their efforts and kick ass. The script (co-written by Chuck himself) provides an ample amount of these situations, with the simplicity of the plot, characters, and production values reflected in Hunter's terse catchphrase "It's time to die." For sure, Invasion U.S.A. is astonishingly bare-bones, but it's entertaining to watch while the film alternates between scenes of terrorist nastiness and of Hunter doing cool, manly things. Norris occasionally speaks ("If you come back in here, I'm gonna hit you with so many rights, you're gonna beg for a left"), but the film's key focus is on the action set-pieces. Shit continually explodes and the body count continues to rise, reaffirming that Chuck Norris - and, by extension, America - is not to be fucked with.

The consistent tactic of Invasion U.S.A. is to build sympathy for helpless stock characters (like two lovers on the beach or a family erecting their Christmas tree on an idyllic suburban block) before they're mercilessly slaughtered by the terrorists. Therefore when the Chuckster kills the terrorists responsible for this massacre, we cheer and applaud.

By the time he starred in Invasion U.S.A., Chuck Norris had appeared in movies for over a decade. However, he still hadn't picked up on the whole acting thing yet. The key requirement for a one-man army is to not only remain calm & confident under pressure, but to be careful not to demonstrate a huge array of facial expressions - one expression does nicely, and two is a bit of a stretch. For most of this film, Norris sports a very bland facial expression. He only smiles twice - when he sees his pet armadillo acting stupid, and when he's watching an old black and white film on TV (a 1953 sci-fi picture called...Invasion USA!).

The plot's straightforward nature is also mirrored by Chuck Norris' wardrobe. He's simply a bearded action hero dressed in blue jeans, a low-buttoned denim shirt, duel leather shoulder holsters, black gloves and (most importantly) an Uzi for each hand.

Richard Lynch seems to be having a blast playing the mastermind behind the slaughter; delivering a thick layer of faux Russian cheese that will either leave you amused or offended.

Now...flaws? Sure, there are heaps. Invasion U.S.A. had the potential to be a truly epic action film, but budgetary constraints mar this potential. Trucks are shown heading to several American locations, yet the action is restricted to Miami. The abrupt ending will leave you wanting so much more. Naturally the dialogue is usually flat as well. In addition, the whole thing is cheesy, stupid, preposterous and often hilarious (intentional or otherwise).

As the decades roll by, there will always be a place for gormless action movies like these. They act as fun reminders of an era during which the intellectual appetites and expectations for Hollywood actioners were at an all-time low. Invasion U.S.A. is a perfectly entertaining guilty pleasure. They just don't make ambitiously cheesy movies like this anymore.

"Technically, GI Joe does not exist. But if it did, it would be comprised of the best men and women from the top military units in the world, the alpha dog's. When all else fails we don't."

Built on the philosophy that any line of Hasbro action figures will translate to the big screen with lucrative results (à la Michael Bay's Transformers), G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is exactly the type of overblown, loud, mindless summer blockbuster it clearly aspired to be - a cartoonish actioner of ornately costumed good vs. evil with large explosions, plenty of CGI, very few nuances and some woeful acting. The filmmakers behind G.I. Joe visibly intended to replicate what a 10-year-old boy's imagination might conjure up while playing with his action figures, and the result is an action film highlight reel that's pleasing to the eye but not to any other organ. On this note it's an awful movie by any standard, but it's also a great deal of fun.

For those unaware, G.I. Joe is not a person - it's an organisation (a bit like the X-Men, except the G.I. Joes gain superpowers through technology and training rather than innate ability). General Hawk (Quaid) is the one who presides over this elite unit of warriors. The plot, so to speak, concerns the Joes whose mission is to defend a bunch of cutting edge NATO weapons from an evil organisation. The bad guys plan to steal these weapons and use them to destroy strategic global targets in an effort to (what else?)...take over the world! Of course, none of this detail matters because the whole storyline is an excuse to showcase action sequences that'll just be interrupted by a poorly-placed flashback or a silly joke.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is virtually wall-to-wall action, delivered at such a brisk pace that the lull is very noticeable during brief breaks for exposition. The dialogue is expectedly risible, while the story is at once elemental and incomprehensible; jumping from 1640s France to the near future before zipping to Tokyo 20 years earlier, and so on. The screenplay (credited to five writers) is a clichéd mess of fanboy pandering (the famous "knowing is half the battle" line is of course spoken) which struggles to introduce a cumbersome roster of one-note characters while a world domination scheme unfolds that wouldn't pass muster in the most self-indulgent efforts of the James Bond franchise. The script also spends an absurd amount of time on flashbacks that help establish all the characters in the Joe universe. Half the bad guys were originally good guys, the Cobra back-story is turned into a chintzy soap opera, and the origins tale of Snake Eyes is compressed into a few short flashbacks (usually concerning fights between two kids). Even despite the attempts to offer an origins tale for most of the protagonists, they remain as plastic as the toys that inspired them. Sure, expecting character development in a G.I. Joe motion picture is foolhardy, but tension and excitement in action movies are tied to the viewer's ability to root for the protagonists - and it's hard to root for underdeveloped characters.

On the other hand, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a devilishly fun and entertaining guilty pleasure. Why? Because it gets it - it knows the pedigree it wants to be, and it pursues it. All that's missing from this film is the hands of an 8-year-old on the screen making the characters move. Director Stephen Sommers only operates in one gear; infusing G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra with a blistering pace that makes it somewhat easier to overlook the film's numerous shortcomings. The atmosphere of unapologetic cartoonishness is exacerbated by the eye-rolling overuse of computer-generated special effects, with the pervasive lack of reality reinforcing the film's proud status as a big-budget summer blockbuster.

In any case, this film is far better than Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - not because it's more creative or thoughtful (it isn't) but because Sommers is a more sure-handed director than Michael Bay. An audience may not have a great deal of emotional investment in the action, but at least it's comprehensible (the camera never experiences a sudden seizure). Admittedly, too, the action sequences are frequently exhilarating, and the inclusion of several better-than-expected set-pieces (like a breathless chase through the streets of Paris) allow the film to be far more fun than it should be. Yet the quality of the CGI is inconsistent (at times bordering on photorealism, at other times embarrassingly phoney), and the climax erodes interest by splicing together a few hundred concurrent battles instead of just one conflict. While far too long at almost two hours, G.I. Joe is at least not as excruciating or unending as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

The only aspect of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra which does resemble Transformers is the attempt on the part of the filmmakers to have it both ways - to make it as childish and blood-free as possible to draw in kids and obtain a PG-13 rating for maximum profits (though it still underperformed at the box office), while also including enough shooting and violence to keep the older demographic entertained. Like most of Sommers' other work, it's impossible to take the deeply stupid material seriously, and it's therefore jarring that there's a semi-serious tone to everything. It's like Team America minus the winks and overt humour.

Unsurprisingly, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra features atrocious acting. Channing Tatum is the most glaring offender in the bad-acting department, with a performance that's beyond unconvincingly wooden. Sienna Miller is equally dreadful. An audience should become invested in the relationship between Tatum's Duke and Miller's Ana, but poor writing and lack of chemistry between the leads fails to sell the romance as anything more than a feeble plot element. Christopher Eccleston and Joseph Gordon-Levitt provide a few giggles; they understand they're playing cartoons, and have suitably hammed it up. Marlon Wayans is the film's comic relief, but he's only slightly amusing. Also in the cast is a stale Dennis Quaid, and a few actors from Sommers' The Mummy who are given small roles (Brendan Fraser, Arnold Vosloo and Kevin J. O'Connor).

The subtitle The Rise of Cobra is actually misleading - the Cobra doesn't bother to rise until the last few minutes. There are also loose ends dangling everywhere, which suggest the filmmakers were thinking of a sequel before producing this chapter. The film is therefore not a standalone entity but a tease for future instalments, which makes it an unsatisfying standalone experience before those sequels have been made.

If any film of 2009 has suffered bad buzz and worse marketing, it's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. The result is nothing excruciating, but at its best moments it's still entirely forgettable. Then again, the 10-year-old boys for whom the movie is tailor-made aren't seeking Oscar-calibre performances or anything thought-provoking. They want eye-candy and no-holds-barred action, which G.I. Joe delivers at mind-numbing pace. Is it perfect? Fuck no. It's rubbish. But it's still fun.