Terrible Horror Movies

Filmed and acted liked a cheap porn movie, S.I.C.K is filmmaking at its absolute worst. Does not deserve to be a part of the horror genre... and, come to think of it, does not deserve to be called a movie either.

Simply jaw-dropping. Could possibly be the worst zombie movie ever made, as well as one of the Top 50 worst movies in cinematographic history... wait. Make that Top 20. Boll's film reaches level of crappiness so unforgivably low this film is bound to be remembered for decades (or at least until he manages to direct one half as bad as this one). This horrifying piece of crap has to be his all-time masterpiece-- EVERYTHING here, from the hysterical centerpiece zombie shoot-out (fueled by a laugh-out-loud hard-rock-rap-techno song) to the eye-gougingly bad performances has to be seen to be believed. Simply put, House of the Dead is Uwe Boll's masterpiece.

Horrible. Simply... horrible. I couldn't believe my own eyes. I was left unspeakable. The writing is so utterly fucking terrible it's not even funny ; stay as far as you can from this clunky piece of shit.

Dark Harvest is probably among the worst horror B-movies I've seen in my entire life. The effects are plain laughable, the performances just suck and, worst of all, you won't even have fun! How this crapfest was capped with not one but TWO sequels is just beyond me...

In the case of Jason X, evil does not get an upgrade. It just gets another tiresome, amateurish rehash. When the camp factor wears off (that's about twenty minutes in, folks), what we're left with is a piece of shameless crap; horror cinema at its very worst.

Totally worthless. A campy, lousily plotted and terribly written 'sequel' to the phenomenal horror hit, Blair Witch 2 is a study of how the industry believes people want more and more of the same. Truth to be told, the film does come to life when it reprises elements from the original, but besides that, there is nothing to say except that it's just... a bad, bad film.

Proudly claiming to have Wes Craven on their team (yet only as an executive producer), this incredibly stupid horror movie is still miles away from featuring a scratch of the style OR humour found in even Craven's lamest offerings. On his very first opportunity to give us the chills, director Nick Mastandrea royally screws everything up; this grating habit is repeated over and over again up to a catastrophic finale. The killer dogs, would-be blood-chilling killing machines, come off as nothing more than a ridiculous excuse to string together idiotic chases, stunts and kills. As for the story that's told through the cardboard cut-out characters, one has to be supremely goofy to draw zero interest in every line of dialogue, which is unsurprisingly very poorly written, by the way. The cast, as photogenic as they may be, give their absolute minimum, probably not to worsen the whole deal. So what we have here is an almost complete turkey-- okay, a certain technical skill was obviously needed to shoot so many action scenes with real dogs-- but one thing is certain : we couldn't give less of a fuck if the director's intention was either to scare us, to make an 'hommage' to the 80's bestial slasher or just collect his paycheck. Dogshit.

The Covenant's seemingly unusual plot quickly drifts into a bottomless pit of clichés, the actors are just plain terrible and the CGI is *gasp* pretty lackluster. A minimally creepy sequence involving CGI spiders and some effective jump scares spare it from minimal score, but this one still has absolutely no reason to be (even though some might say the blatant homoerotic overtones are funny enough). An awful, awful film.

A fatally boring, ultra-predictable and cheap-looking rehash of the first movie where pretty much nothing happens until an incredibly stupid 'twist'. I'll Always Know... is Unforgivably lame. Kill off the series now!

Cube Zero thinks it's so smart it's laughable, and as a prequel only spits on the original by trying to explain everything. Keep the mystery alive... skip this atrocious prequel!

Not scary nor funny at all. Ridiculously cliché'd, and suffers from bad acting from its lead, Tamara is a DTV title that will never be more than a DTV title.

With a lousy & derivative screenplay, mostly ridiculous performances, ultra-lame kills and not a single scene that could frighten, this series keeps getting shittier and shittier. The worst about it is that another straight-to-DVD sequel has been announced...

Horrendous.

Generally, I hold no particular grudge towards remakes. However, my intelligence has been severely insulted during my viewing of this unforgivably lame retelling of the horror classic Halloween. What Zombie doesn't seem to realize is that a movie must not rely solely on graphic killings, especially when everything in-between is good for the trash can. Characters are briefly introduced and then brutally slaughtered, silly plot elements try to slip in unnoticed and the endless scenes where Michael Myers stands behind his victims for looooong seconds before stabbing them or bashing their heads in (as if we believed the dorks & sluts had any chance) quickly become headache-inducing. There is a fraction of a good psychological drama buried here somewhere, but it is quickly swept under a thick layer of stupidity (or read : bullshit dime-a-dozen psychology) whenever it shows up.

Also, McDowell is criminally misused, and scream queen Compton makes zero impression-- although it's not really her fault.

Bottom Line : a pitch-perfect icon for those against the flood of retro horror remakes. Zombie didn't understand shit about the original, and it shows.

If the characters (which I personally remember only as colorless screamers) were more interesting, the long, long buildup to their night of ghostly reckoning might be suspenseful rather than tedious. Tom Welling, his hot wife, a couple of kids and old people and a black guy whose sole purpose is to say words like 'dawg', all confront a CGI mist that looks like it could be erased with a couple of mouse clicks. This film is not scary for more than fourty seconds.

So what we're left with is a criminally forgettable retelling of a decent film that was better off sleeping on the shelves.

Not scary, not funny, not worth your time. Urban Legends : Final Cut is surprisingly undone by the creaky slasher mechanics. When attention is paid to its protagonist (the reasonably 'do-the-job' Jennifer Morrison), the film does actually sound decent-- but then it swings back to the boring one-by-one kills, which can be seen coming from a mile away. At least the final scene is a darkly ironic wink... thank fuck.

Upset the original didn't get its obligatory crap remake treatment? This is just what you need! This second and brutally unecessary trip to the Hills is practically ninety minutes of stick figures in uniforms running around with guns before getting the pickaxe one by one. And, even worse, when the 'shocking' viscera occurs, it's orchestrated in such an irritatingly 'IN-YOUR-FACE!' manner that it comes borderline close to-- no, come to think of it, it comes almost *exactly* like those awful DTV sequels' directing style. Pumping up the gore and throwing in another rape (complete with mutant tongue!) just for the hell of it is a pretty shitty idea, but the capital mistake of this lame rehash of the 2006 remake has to be that the tension, from start to finish, is kept to a thudding zero.

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. There's not a scare to be found, no suspense, no laughs, no gore, no nothing. Even as a campy horror comedy, the movie is an absolute failure. It's chock-full of ridiculous zombies that are barely any fun to watch moan and chomp, and don't even get me started on the abysmal, headache-inducing 3-D effects. Whoever you are, horror/zombie fan or not, clearly, you DON'T need to see this.

Redefines the term 'survival horror movie'. Cat-and-mouse chases have rarely been this dull, repetitive or just plain stupid. There is a certain kudos to give to director/writer John Shiban for making his 90-minute chase look strikingly good for a DTV movie, but some blame should also be put on him for writing such bad dialogue, staging loads of very unoriginal been-there-done-that scenes and handling a frustratingly 'whatever' ending with no punch whatsoever.

Cube 2 - Hypercube runs dangerously close to revealing too much about the beautifully abstract cube... and also blows on almost every level.

While this heavy-metal sci-fi horror B-movie isn't exactly dull, it only gets worse and worse as it runs. Condemned to rot in your local Blockbuster in-between two genre sections.

Risible and hopelessly flat, this useless Wicker Man remake is only advantaged by its beautiful scenery and (some of) the original version 's irony. As much as Cage and Burstyn kick and fight their way out this horrid screenplay, the ending result is just profoundly clunky and embarassing.

There may be shocking images and awesome flashbacks but feardotcom is a bore to watch that could've been five times better if there was much more of a thrill and a consistent screenplay. Unfortunately, everything here is deja vu, and the result is an endless flow of yawn-inducing dialogue, peppered with some shockingly unaffecting scares. McElhone clearly does her best not to worsen the whole deal, but it's to no avail. Her performance, like the rest of the film, is just plain... blah.

Stylish and sometimes witty in its dialogue, Valentine still fails to deliver anything new and plays out the lamest clichés we've seen hundreds of times, resulting in an utterly generic thrill-less slasher.

Dissapointingly dull and tame. Unable to cause the slightest chill despite a good cast and a perfect atmosphere. Where's the REAL creepy children imagery when you need it?!

One big, big disaster of a movie.

Both halves of it are horrific-- and seriously not in the right way. When it pretends to be a 90's kidnapping/psychological thriller, Captivity is just... bad. STV bad. 'Why-are-you-doing-this-you-sick-fuck' bad. And when it jumps into its torture porn costume... things only get worse. The cheaply directed & inserted gory parts are either A) laughably over-the-top WITHOUT the fun, campy feel or B) needlessly revolting and misogynisitic. And what can you expect from a movie where a victim is drugged and then wakes up NINE FUCKING TIMES?! Not scary nor suspenseful for a single second, Captivity is a demented piece of crap whose next stop is the bargain bin at Wal-Mart in a year or so.

Poor Elisha, though-- she sure can look like she's crying. In a role that is about as deep and complex as a munchkin, she cries and screams her way out of this turd, choosing 'intensity' (read : sexy girl hysterics) instead of nuance and subtlety. The performances are extremely grating to watch... but, you know, it's not her fault at all (you can blame the fuck-awful stage direction, and maybe the stench of Daniel Gillies hamming it up as the pretty-boy cellmate with the violently obvious twist) , but it's sad to see an actress with a little more than just great boobs go slumming like every other.

So, yeah, stupid, stupid. No-good. Poo-poo caca. Shitcan. 'Craptivity'.

Urgh.

Brutally unimaginative. Part four is essentially everything that is wrong with the torture porn subgenre, and it's also essentially what dragged the whole series in the wrong direction.

The interest in this drivel is not linked to being a Saw fan or not anymore, but simply about your tolerance for being force-fed with increasingly stupid 'shocking' stuff that not only crosses the bounds of decency, but completely crushes them. It's clear by now that everything in the screenplay is an excuse to string together repetitive & ridiculously graphic torture scenes, which the first movie avoided very cleverly by not featuring any traps happening in the present.

Oh, how everything is awful in this film. Everything else is extremely been-there-done-that, from the inclusion of new cardboard 'detectives' to the sickening overuse of Charlie Clouser's 'Hello Zepp' theme. All in all, the makers of the series have shot themselves in the foot-- and not just with that god-awful final resolution, but also with the very poor structure this movie follows.

The flashbacks are incorporated with zero energy, and the final twists are just the dumbest of any film I can recall in the last decade.

Frankly, I don't even feel like pointing out everything that's wrong with this one. It just sucks, from the even more terrible dialogue to the offensive moral statement the writers think they made by placing us in the torturer's skin once more.

This time, it's really hit rock-bottom.

Stylishly directed and indeed very creepy in its first third, Saints-Martys-des-Damnés somehow ends up slipping into the interminable and the annoyingly so-called clever, when in fact, it's just a total mess plotwise once it approaches its clunky finale. One may be pleased by Aubert's beautifully gothic technique, but the story is a headache, and so are the boring characters. Talk about a missed opportunity.

I cannot say I am somewhat, eh, 'shocked' or 'surprised' when a remake of a Japanese horror film is said to be flat-out terrible... but I must say I definitely AM taken off guard when during my inevitable autopsy of the case, the actual quality of the film concerned reveals itself to be ten times as jaw-droppingly stupid as I was expecting.

First of all, One Missed Call is most definitely not part of the recent flock of glossy ghost film remakes, seing its unexpectedly low production values. Every single death here is (on a visual point of view) cringe-worthy, hampered by TV-movie computer effects and/or simply blink-and-miss, so when your 'scary' (PG-13!) movie contains litterally NOT A SINGLE FUCKING GOOD SCARE, well, I'm sorry to report, but it's nothing less than dead in the water.

And the photography sucks.

The rest plays *exactly* like you think it will-- I must however tell you how unexpectedly quick the scenes move on from one to another and how nonexistent the dramatic tension plays. There is a 'jump' moment thrown pretty much in every scene, whether the character concerned is involved in the dead-people-calling issue or not and whether it's in broad daylight or in silent'n'dark corridors. One second it's about freak accidents, then it's about distorted shit ghost-face thingies, and then it shifts to rotten old zombies. Nothing makes a lick of a sense, but every character not only buys it in a snap, their decisions become increasingly dumb, such as going to the Scary Old Burned Down Hospital twenty minutes before their time is announced on the death clock.

But when we expect the goddamn thing to get better (I correct that-- when we expect it not to get any worserer) it does the opposite. It's an extremely bizarre experience for anyone whose last twenty movies seen were not as crappy as this, but mostly, an awful, awful way to spend 90 minutes for anyone with a desire to be remotely scared. It comes very close to being worthy though, considering the frequent laughs (I can only picture the crowds all across America bursting in laughter one by one as the opening scene plays before theire eyes), but it cannot survive on that alone.

Performances are blah.

So in the end, what's left? A big ol' chunk of crappy blandess, and... yada, yada, yada. I refuse to pump out any more shit out of this pony.

It's dead. There's nothing to do about it. It belongs in the can.

Bye bye.

(off)