Utter Crapola: The Worst 10 Films Ever

"Writer-director" Aaron Yamakuso, you just set Hawai`i filmmaking back 50 years. You're having the BEST WEEK EVER!!!

This is Aaron Yamakuso's first attempt at a feature film, and from the looks of it, he's well on his way to a wonderful career making burgers at McDonald's. Blood of the Samurai is the amazing true story of two guys who find samurai swords in the backseat of their car. And then the fun begins!


...Oh wait, no it doesn't!

This is the worst movie in the world. I want to sue the size 14 pants off of Aaron Yamakuso for the two hours he stole from my life; time I could have spent on pulling my own wisdom teeth or scrubbing my toilet with nothing but my bare hands after eating 3 sloppy Joes during a stomach flu-- both activities being far more enjoyable than sitting there waiting impatiently for the end credits to come. I still don't know why I forced myself to sit through the whole thing. This "film" wasn't worth the Memorex DVD-R it was burned on. I thought long and hard about Blood of the Samurai-- definitely longer and harder than Yamakuso did-- and I honestly can't think of anything good to say about it. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Normally, I can at LEAST go, "the camera was pretty level in that shot". No such luck. I thought I was watching the end result of a group of blind 7-year-olds stealing their parents' Hi8 camcorder. This is by far the worst movie ever made.

This movie is so thumbs-down, it couldn't even win a Razzie. It didn't even get nominated. But it DID win the audience award at the Hawaii International Film Festival. It helps when the audience is your mom and dad. Don't let this crowning achievement trick you into watching it; remember, even Meet The Spartans topped the box office its opening weekend.

At the very beginning of the "film", before the turtle head pokes all the way out, there is a disclaimer telling you not to take the "film" too seriously (TRANSLATION: it's crap). Now, if a film actually has to TELL you this? Not a good sign. The disclaimer instructs you to talk loudly during the performance to add to the casual viewing experience (A.K.A. a piss-poor attempt to distract you from its colossal shittiness).

So it's supposedly bad ON PURPOSE; however, if you should end up in Hell and/or Aaron Yamakuso's house and are forced to watch this coil of shit, you'll see that he is actually trying really hard to make an awesome flick. The actors attempt kick-ass dramatic performances comparable to Crimson Tide, but come closer to The Marine.

The crap acting is just the tip of the shit-filled iceberg. The camera angles are all crooked and "extreme" (TRANSLATION: crap). The story is C-movie, at best. Yeah, you heard me right, the plot of Blood of the Samurai isn't even good enough to reach the obviously unattainable status of B-movie. The dialogue attempts to be dynamic and witty, but is shit like everything else. Rumor has it that a hard copy of the screenplay will actually attract flies. Plus, the techno score is annoying... not necessarily because it's techno, but because it's NON-STOP. That's right, the music plays in the background THE WHOLE TIME, acting as a droning, constant subliminal reminder of how bad this thing is. I don't care what the disclaimer claims, BOTS was not made this shitty on purpose, because it takes itself WAY too seriously for what it was: a joke.

Picture this: "filmmaker" Aaron Yamakuso shoots the crap thinking he were Kurosawa reborn as the son of Tarantino. Then, upon viewing the footage on his iBook and being hit with the sudden realization that his grandparents lied to him (he actually does suck), he quickly adds the simple disclaimer at the beginning as if to validate the steaming pile he spent tens of dollars creating. ...Yes, this "film" is low-budget. But that is no excuse for its record-setting suck factor. Great films are born of substance, not budget. BOTS had neither.

Allow me to further articulate the overwhelming power of this 90-minute waste of time: if I were having a three-way sesh with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel in front of a TV and Blood of the Samurai came on, I'd be out of there quicker than Steven Seagal in Executive Decision. True story. If I had to choose between watching Blood of the Samurai again or getting my cock chopped off with a pair of nail clippers, I'd actually have to think about it.

I know a guy from Hawai`i that got deployed to Iraq. While he was there, his mom sent him a care package including snacks, CDs and movies. One of the movies was Blood of the Samurai. He popped it in his DVD player, very excited and longing to get a little slice of home; being so far away, ANYTHING would do.

15 minutes later, he took it out and threw it away. Some say the disc is buried in the sand for some unlucky Iraqi to find, not unlike a land mine full of shit.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the campy, grindhouse style Troma-esque blood, guts and gore flicks. There are tons out there that are fun and enjoyable. But just like in any other genre, there are good ones and bad ones. BOTS is a bad one-- not just a bad one, but the worst one. In any genre. Ever.

Undoubtedly, some people will try to defend the movie. Two, maybe three. They'll say, "it's so bad, it's good!" Those people are idiots. A movie is either good, or it's bad. There's no such thing as a good bad movie. But there ARE such things as idiots that like crappy movies, such as Meet The Spartans. "But there must be SOMEONE that can enjoy this film," you argue. Yes. Aaron Yamakuso. ...Okay, fine. If you like Uwe Boll, you'll LOVE Blood of the Samurai. But chances are, you don't like Uwe Boll.

The suckfest runs about an hour and a half, which is about 90 minutes too long. The best thing about this "film" is the DVD cover, so next time you're near the Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin, take a look at it-- DON'T TOUCH IT, just look-- and quietly walk away. You're welcome.



...If you enjoyed watching Blood of the Samurai, you may also enjoy some of these pastimes:

Eating Shit

Getting Bubble Gum Stuck In Your Hair

Being Hit By A Car

"Writer-director" Toilet Boll is as talented as he looks.

In The Name Of The King: A Dung Siege Tale is a lame, low-budget, slop bucket, brainless, dickless rip-off of every other fantasy epic ever made. Maybe I'm just spoiled on Lord of the Rings. Or maybe this movie is a piece of shit. After seeing this in the theater, I now know what it feels like to sit in Hell. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

Let us now observe a moment of silence for all the acting careers that have come to an end with In The Name of the King...






Thank you.

What the fucking hell is up with the shitty cast? When Burt Reynolds first appears on-screen, I actually heard people in the theater laugh. I was too disgusted to see the humor. Claire Forlani, however, was totally laughable. Jason Statham's career is in more jeopardy than Alex Trebek. Ray Liotta is so fucking awful, it's depressing. He wears mascara and a leather jacket. Just the sight of him made me want a refund. John Rhys-Davies is in this, too. All of his LOTR fantasy epic clout just went down the drain. ...I admit, Kristanna Loken is hot. But so's a fresh pile of shit. I don't remember Leelee Sobieski being as crappy as she was here; then again, I don't really remember Leelee Sobieski. Ron Perlman is the only thing this movie has going for it-- and of course, Boll finds a way to screw it up. Perlman has 20 minutes of solid screen time to open the film, then gets locked in a cage where he will remain for the rest of the movie until being killed unceremoniously 30 minutes before the end. And, rounding out the all-star C-list ensemble is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

What the fucking hell is up with the plot? I won't go into detail-- because there ARE no details. It's totally garbage, along with the characters. The LOTR rip-off Krugs look and act like Power Ranger monsters-- only, sparks don't come off them when they are punched. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

What the fucking hell is up with the crappy kung-fu scenes? Even Bruce Li, the blatant Bruce Lee knock-off who dared to make Fist of Fury II after the original Bruce Lee died, has been quoted after watching In The Name Of The King as saying, "these fights suck, and I'm Bruce Li." The action is so lame-- in other words, it matches the overall tone of the "film". The climax does bring a genuine sense of excitement, because seeing it means the torture is almost over.

What the fucking hell is up with the camerawork and cinematography? It's disgusting, much like the shitty directing. Toilet Boll is one of the all-time worst human beings ever. I hear that he has planned a longer, 165-minute version for the DVD release. Unnecessary. The theatrical cut already feels like 4 hours.

How does Toilet Boll get people to fund his films? Here's another question: Just how good is Toilet Boll at sucking cock?

In The Name Of The King makes Sci-Fi Channel movies look like 24 karat gold. I mean it. Under no circumstances should you ever watch this mountainous pile of dung-- not even if your life depended on it; not even if you lost a bet in which the loser has to either watch this or pour salt in an open wound. A wise man once said, "just because you CAN make movies doesn't mean you SHOULD." That wise man was not Toilet Boll. The King is Burt Reynolds, and his nephew is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. Think about it.

I think Alyson Hannigan is kinda cute, so I went to see this, but not even she could save the film. It tried way too hard to live up to the Scary Movies (which isn't that high a goal to begin with), and failed. A half-star goes to Alyson Hannigan out of pity. (Call me!)

I had previously rated Epic Movie a "NOT INTERESTED", and wrote this comment:

"You couldn't pay me enough to see this movie. I saw Date Movie, and I will never forgive myself for that one."

And then I watched it anyway. What an idiot.

This movie was very, very, very unfunny. It was written by 2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie, which should already tell you something: if the Scary Movies were mediocre at best with 6 writers on the payroll, how do you think one-third of that scintillating writing braintrust would fare? Yeah, exactly.

The parodies, while at times admittedly spot-on, were not funny, just forced and annoying. I mean, who makes fun of Ashton Kutcher anymore? And I didn't care about the real Cribs; why would a parody of Cribs be entertaining at all? And what exactly do Ashton Kutcher OR Cribs have to do with epic movies!? Nothing, dammit. Absolutely nothing.

I guess that, in theory, seeing a no-talent hack like Paris Hilton squished by a falling body sounds humorous. ...Well, actually, no it doesn't-- and, surprise! It's not. Look, she does annoy me tremendously. Seeing David Letterman dis the actual Paris Hilton TO HER FACE? That was hilarious. But seeing a fake Paris Hilton getting killed gives me no satisfaction, nor does it make me laugh; neither does seeing a fake P. Diddy get a bottle of Cris upside the head. A bunch of parody likenesses of douche bags getting owned isn't comedy. It's just stupid. "Hey, Paris Hilton is in the spotlight. Let's make fun of her!" This film has its characters constantly shaking their heads at its impersonated targets; Meanwhile, I was shaking my head at the movie.

Another thing this piece of shit tried to do is take already funny things and make a funny parody of it. How in Hell do you expect a parody of the SNL "Lazy Sunday" skit to be funny-- especially when it was already successfully parodied by Michael Scott in The Office, then unsuccessfully parodied by thousands of unfunny Youtubers?

Here's my recommendation: if you like to watch movies while stoned AND drunk, AND have an annoying sense of humor, you will mildly enjoy this garbage pail of a film.

I am an idiot for watching this film. This is established. But at least I didn't make it.

I shouldn't elaborate too much on this movie because in all fairness, I didn't see the whole thing. Because I walked out halfway through. One of the unfunniest "comedies" I've ever seen.

This is the only movie I can remember that I knew would be shitty just from seeing the opening credits. Horrible acting, and a horribly crappy story. I expected more from Kelly Carlson, and Robert Patrick, at least. All I got was a stupid reference to Terminator. This movie was so bad, I actually got mad with every minute that passed, thinking about my precious life that was slipping away while I sit there watching this garbage.

I am so pissed off right now.

Crap story, crap acting, crap special effects. Boring. The half-star I gave this was for the good half-hour nap I had during the movie.

Oh, Street Fighter... how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways:

1. The dad from Addams Family is Bison.

2. E. Honda is a Samoan from Hawai`i, his friend is Balrog, and they work at a news station with Chun-Li.

3. Jean-Claude "Double Team" Van Damme, the Muscles from Brussels, is all-American Guile.

4. Ken and Ryu-- I mean, Wryoo-- are con men, and are more like leads in a buddy cop flick than serious warriors.

5. Wes Studi is Sagat.

6. DOCTOR Dhalsim has hair and doesn't stretch OR blow fire OR teleport.

7. "Well, I'm the repo man... and you're out of business."

8. Kenya Sawada sounds like he's reading from a card.

9. The special movies are half-assed and are awkwardly mixed in with the rest of the shitty fighting.

10. Every time they show Honda, you hear a Hawaiian steel guitar in the background.

11. Carlos Charlie Blanka looks like Lou Ferrigno Hulk with cotton candy hair. His muscle mass is supposed to be increased by 92%, but he miraculously remains the same size.

12. Most of the characters somehow end up in their video game outfits, in a lame and corny fashion. Honda actually ends up with blood on his face in the formation of the E. Honda's face paint. See, if they had stayed true to the game in the FIRST place...

13. "This is the collection agency, Bison. Your ass is six months overdue... and it's mine."

14. Bison has a hovering pod not unlike the one Bowser uses in Super Mario World, and he operates it with a Street Fighter coin-op joystick.

15. Guile and Bison crappily exchange their trademark quotes before an astoundingly anti-climactic fight.

16. The victory poses at the end... ugh.

This movie is doo-doo all the way. There were a couple good lines of dialogue, which is a couple more than Blood of the Samurai has. There were also one or two humorous scenes (Guile holding the little knife). And Kylie Minogue as Cammy was decent at best. But is that any consolation for shit acting, shit casting, shit special effects, and a shit story in a piece of shit film that shits on my childhood arcade obsession? No.

The only good thing about this movie is Maggie Grace in her panties. She's the only reason I even give this movie a rating. If only it was that for two hours. But it wasn't.