Why.

One of those movies you see and instantly forget... it got to the stage where I was sat watching and thinking ... is this movie only about Lemmon and Matthau competing for Ann-Margret? Yep.. oh ok. They fight... they fight some more even though Lemmon doesn't really do anything.. and they end up actually agreeing with each other and working out. Leaves a really bad taste after such a classic as "The Odd Couple" and even though both usually have great chemistry together... they pretty much lost all of that in their on screen performances in this movie. Also it gets to the stage where your mind is screaming at you "this has all been done before." No great comic effects, hardly any story, no character foundation or evolution, no atmosphere! Not even good for the Lemmon - Matthau factor of working together again. Forget this pap... watch the Odd Couple instead.

Hey you know what's better than watching this Horror movie... watching nearly any other Horror movie!
Mr Milo "I'm a wimpy hero" drudges through this excuse for a physiological thriller complete with bad acting, desperate lack of plot (Even for a "Horror" movie)... and really really bad direction making this just another OTT warped view of how much gore can be shown on screen.
What it lacked in all it's other major categories it thought it made up in atmosphere, I could have recreated the same atmosphere by watching CSI with a paper bag over my head.
In a way... the plot of this movie makes HOSTEL look like smart!
There is no character emphasis, no drive, no jump sequences. It is literally just a story about a bunch of "doctors" letting colleagues cut people up so they can figure out how their fellow colleagues killed them... and they get away with it because... ... ... ...
This movie was full of it!
And maybe its just me, but the lighting on this film was fucked, half the time I thought I was watching Milo just act badly but it turned out to just be a wall... who knew.... He must get his acting lessons from Hayden Christensen.

I wanted to like it... I really did but it was terrible! I'm still wondering how it got a green light? It makes Aeon Flux look like a masterpiece. No plot... unless you consider Millia Jovovich carting and protecting a dying kid for the entire movie a plot. The reason she does this is apparently in the future everyone is infected and this kidclone holds the cure. And this is told to us within the first five minutes. The fight scenes tried so hard but just weren't executed well. Some were pretty decent and thats the reason this movie gets a rating. However no movie can survive without basic character depth, so what made Ultraviolet thing it could? Crappy Melodramatic acting. Cringe worthy dialogue. Scenery that even I could have knocked up on my Pc. Cameron Bright wins the award for most annoying actor. Shame about Milla Jovovich trying desperately to create a new superhero based character but failing. I'm sorry but this movie is a total waste of anyone's time.

3 Words: What the Fuck?

In a word: Trash,
Just another one of those amazing "Quentin Tarantino presents" movies... hmmm is anyone else starting to see a pattern emerging.
Take a look at the poster, I mean a real good look... you're not expecting that much right? Well you're going to get less than that.
No plot. (Expected)
Piss Poor acting.
Cash pig: Michael *I'll ruin the career I once actually had with pieces of shit movies like this one* Madsen... doing his usual.
No Action!
Script???
No bike chases...
No actual reference to why the movie is called "Hell Ride."
Together Dennis Hopper and David Carradine have about 10 minutes of screen time shared between them in total.
Mastermind Larry Bishop must have thought that boobs and ass needed to be injected into just about every other scene just to keep the story going... but guys/girls if thats your fancy, a porno makes more more sense... and it'll probably have better script/acting/plot/hairstyles in it to.
Oh and just for the record maybe someone could tell me, who the fuck is "Larry Bishop" and who made him Elvis with his stupid little shitty beard and boggly eyes? And why he gets to make tacked-on shit movies like this when there are thousands of wantabe directors who could have made better films in their backgardens. Hmm? The man obviously has a keen eye for good visuals but he lacks any sort of style or creative talent.
Even John Carpenter never messed up this badly! And he made that God awful Vampires movie!
Don't ask what its about, some crap about killing people to find out whats in a box or some crap....... fucking yay!
Don't even bother.
Terrible. Just Terrible.

No America, we too can make really shitty horror movies... in fact we sold most of them to you... like this gem!
Right does anyone think that if I ask really nicely God will give me back the two hours of my life that I've wasted.
Hmmm nothing beats a1970's British B Horror movie.... We're talking fake blood and boobs here people. Just what the Brittish people wanted in the X-rated cheesefest movies back in the day.
If there's a woman on camera shes got to be topless at some point! I miss the days when you could walk into a Protestant pub and there would be a topless wench to cuddle. Does anyone see the blatant plot holes here? I bet all the historians do!
Oh and you know that if someone is going to be killed that they're going to bleed vibrant red blood! I'm talking Ferarri red people! None of that realistic shit.
Hmm plot... right... try and stay with me here cos its kinda complicated:
Its set in Puritan England and Price plays a witch hunter. Who accuses innocent people of witchcraft just to kill them and bugger off with the money. Pisses off the wrong man.. who then beats him to death 19 TIMES with an axe. The End.
Though Price getting butchered with an axe is the movie's highlight is is only in the restored tacky version... so you might not even get to see it. You lucky people.
Oh and just a quick point... We get it as Witchfinder General... Simple... Effective. What the hell is The Conqueror worm? It doesn't even make any sense?!?!?!?!?!
The camera work was shaky. The acting dire. When anything took place at night you couldn't even see the actor's faces the lighting was so bad. Oh and the direction consisted of about 12 mins of people riding to and fro on horses.... just because... they had horses.
My god even the cast looked bored.

How does Nicolas Cage still get work? Think original classic horror with the typical glossy American remake attitude. Where the original had a very creepy atmosphere to it, especially at the end, this movie behaves more like Disney's Pocahontas on acid. Good attempt at trying to give the detective character depth but fails miserably. The setting is just whimsical instead of being creepy like in the original. Finally the performances are just laughable. Watch out for Leelee Sobieski and Nicolas Cage's worst performances of their careers. Really really tacky script (personally really enjoyed Nic Cage knocking over a stack of logs after wanting to help and then buggering off... hmmm great atmosphere builder) Terrible. Seriously Rubbish!

Seriously? What? The plot of this movie is summed up right at the beginning... in the tiniest writing imaginable. Miss that and you are pretty much screwed. Basically, Tim Robbins has taken an empathy virus, (cos thats what all the cool people do in the future) to help him track down the manufacture of fake passports. Just happens to be Samantha Morton... they end up having a one night stand... and when he really thinks about it... he realises hes in love with her. However she's had her memories of him removed because they violated Code 46, as they share the same DNA. How? You might ask... well it just turns out that she is a sister replicate of his genetically engineered clone mother or some crap like that (personally I hate it when that happens) So to everyone else its basically incest. In the end, Tim Robbins crashes the car... blink and you'll miss it... and has his memories removed of Samantha Morton... and goes to live back with his family. This movie is annoying, it tries to capture some type of Blade Runner-esk set and falls on its arse. It provides nice visuals but relies totally on them. Instead of focusing on characters or plot... we see pointless scenes of Morton dancing in slow motion, cuddling scenes... and a bondage sex scene.

What a load of rubbish.... had potential....... ah who am I kidding. Took an hour to write the plot down and it was some twisted mind's little fantasy. Wasn't scary, wasn't uncomfortable to watch... no atmosphere... just gratuitous gore and nudity. Waste of time.

Ok i haven't seem this movie in years and it was on briefly in the background at work today... and seriously... did the people making it just not stop and think about what they were actually doing. A pregnant man.... Arnold Schwarzenegger as a pregnant man. Emma Thompson overacting.... in a word: YACK.

Did people actually like this movie? Are people that deprived of proper entertainment that this is acceptable?
I mean Tara Reid and Ashton Kutcher together in a film! Uggghhhhhhhhhh it's got disaster written all over it from the very start! I mean come on Hollywood if you're going to keep churning out lame movies to make a quick dime then at least give people one reason to watch this garbage.
Basically: Imagine every other Kutcher movie but worse. Expect no laughs but loads of comical eyebrows and a turkey-necked expressions to the lines "Awwwghhh come on!"
Shitty jokes for a shitty plot involving a bunch of fucking moron's trashing a house... oh the calamity.
Toilet humour aplenty... but nothing worth laughing at. If you're a retarded six year old who finds discreditable cash-pig Michael Madsen pissing on things funny... you need a life and a copy of this movie.
The DVD cover advertises the "version you didn't see in theatres"... Which poses the question... who in their right mind saw this at a cinema?
Even the oh so predictable ending was pissed away like the rest of the movie.
Utter Shit.

This movie is about as funny as AIDS.
Fumbling after where the first one left off... this time "the crew" are back to do a number on an old mafia boss... and by "do a number" I mean whine like little un-funny bitches for a good hour an a half.
So what to expect from this last desperate attempt to part a few fools from their money... OK... well: there is serious talent-less overacting on Willis' behalf.
Perry playing his Chandler character... Again! Just like in everything else he's ever been in!
Henstridge's doing a whole lot of nothing. And pretty much Peet holding the whole thing together and failing.
To give you an idea of how unprofessional and rushed this movie must have been... there is a shot of Peet and Perry's dialogue where Peet walks into a door frame... and the camera keeps on roling! It's not a big deal... but still...
And as for Kevin Pollak, Geeze! I guess he knows how washed up he is when he signed on for this shit! Every single thing about him in this irritated the living crap out of me! And I put my hands down... it has to be the worst performance on film. Period.
Finally the script. Whoever wrote this garbage... needs slaying! The whole plot of this movie... with all the character fights/break-up's/affairs... and Willis' deranged overacting... just turns out to be all a convenient way of getting Perry's character to go along with the scam, that had nothing to do with his character! Overall a pathetic and extremely armature ending to a highly potential candidate for one of the worst movies ever made.
A book of carpet samples would have been more entertaining to watch. Enjoy!!

Hmmm what shall I choose for my viewing pleasure today... let me think. Oooh I know how about a woman who is slashed to death with a scythe whilst another woman bathes in the blood. Followed by a circular-saw plunged into another woman's face. Hmmm then maybe loads of small children playing football with a decapitated head. Score! Oh and how could I forget a man who has his penis and balls cut off with a chain cutter and fed to a Doberman.
This movie tries to exceed the first in every way... including the boredom factor... and succeeds. And yes it I believe it to be more uncomfortable than the first. This time the plot focuses more on the customers and the business behind the whole... murderwhoyoufuckinglikeforaprice... and is basically the same as the original, except the original had atmosphere.
Dare I say that the original was a better shit movie? Oh god... I can... this is the new standard of low.
What can I say? Thats entertainment folks. Fucking shit.

Some say that this is a masterpiece. Personally if you can withstand the first few minutes of the movie I think that is something to be ashamed of. Personally a movie consisting of homosexuals masturbating and having oral sex with each other, a woman being anally raped and beaten into a coma and beating a man repeatedly in the face until he becomes unrecognisable... anything but a masterpiece. In fact its quite tasteless. Its not clever or unique Memento had the original idea and this attempt is poor. The story provides no bonding to the characters... and like dialogue suggests acts as a "B-movie about revenge." The only redeeming feature of this movie is its extremely graphic realism and how the characters appear genuinely venerable even if two-dimensional. Haunting for the sake of having an effect. Truly pornographic. The worst movie I've ever seen. Avoid at all costs!