Worst Christmas Movies in history

Deck the Halls is total shit!

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I wish I could forget I ever watched it

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This is simply crap unbridled

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Watching it made me suicidal

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Got any kids who've been naughty this year? If you do, then Deck the Halls is their present. It has grown to be a time-honoured tradition for studios to nonchalantly distribute below-par Christmas movies in time for the holiday season to unfairly steal money from naïve movie-goers. Of all the abysmal Christmas movies in recent memory, Deck the Halls is certainly one of the worst - if not the worst. It even fails to meet the low standards established by The Santa Clause 3, Jingle All the Way, and Christmas with the Kranks. It's obnoxiously unfunny, juvenile, remarkable tedious, painfully formulaic and hackneyed. It fails to retain the cheery Christmas spirit, not to mention it's missing a heart. It doesn't do an adequate job of heart-warming or entertaining. It's also infused with messages regarding the holiday season that are shallow and pointless. The jokes are lame and recycled, and there isn't a funny moment to be found. It's topped off with embarrassing sentimental scenes, and a climax so terribly insipid it makes Christmas with the Kranks seem like It's a Wonderful Life in comparison.

Deck the Halls is a derivative, sloppy, imbecilic, simple-minded, dim-witted, miserable excuse for entertainment - one of worst films of 2006, and one of the worst Christmas movies in history. It almost makes one want to renounce Christmas altogether. This is the definitive Christmas present for any naughty child - far nastier than a lump of coal. Deck the screenwriters instead!

As for the story: Steve Finch (Broderick) is a successful optometrist living in a quaint Massachusetts town. As December sets in and Christmas draws closer, Steve finds his title of Mr. Christmas being challenged by his new neighbour Buddy Hall (DeVito). At Christmastime Steve usually organises small town events - nothing too ostentatious. He coordinates carolling expeditions, he's in charge of the tree in town square, he owns his own Christmas tree farm, and he unofficially presides over the annual Winterfest carnival. Meanwhile, Buddy (without an adequate motivation) develops a goal of his own for the season that's anything but ostentatious: cover his house with so many lights that it can be seen from space. This garish display offends Steve, and thus their December battle commences as they see who will win the title of Mr. Christmas. One-upmanship and jealousy ensues.

Deck the Halls contain characters living in a world devoid of logic or reason. As a film, it offends the senses and abuses the intelligence. It even causes viewers to despair of ever knowing delight or mirth ever again. Virtually every situation is implausible or impossible. Characters never act like a person in the real world would. In addition, the story is nothing but an excruciating succession of contrivances. It's clichéd, by-the-numbers filmmaking that's so unfunny one must wonder why it was even made. Matt Corman and Chris Ord have been credited for writing the screenplay, and this is their first ever Hollywood credit. Boy, it couldn't be more obvious. Every amateurish trick designed to entertain is employed. Like an expensive, prized family vase mentioned early into the film - you can pretty much guarantee it will play a part somewhere in the third act to provide an additional giggle.

Once Matt Corman and Chris Ord submitted a screenplay for Deck the Halls, it was turned over to Don Rhymer...then John Whitesell was brought onboard as the director. Garbage of a monumental degree was destined to be born from this point forward. Whitesell has previously directed Calendar Girl, See Spot Run, and Malibu's Most Wanted. Rhymer performed as a screenwriter for movies like Carpool, Big Momma's House, The Santa Clause 2, Agent Cody Banks 2, and The Honeymooners. But it gets even better...Rhymer and Whitesell's last cinematic masterpiece was Big Momma's House 2. These two are the purveyors of hopeless crap. They're some of the worst "talent" Hollywood has ever seen.

Deck the Halls is apparently intended to be a relatively light-hearted family comedy, hence the family-friendly PG rating. So why are the two protagonists such unredeemable bastards? In black comedies (like Bad Santa) it's acceptable to depict a contemptible protagonist due to the tone and target audience. In a family romp...you'd be confusing the kids who would come under the false impression that retribution should be implemented. And good lord, the protagonists are clichéd beyond all comprehension! Buddy is annoying, manipulative, greedy and contemptible, yet Steve is the only one capable of seeing that. Everyone else thinks Buddy is delightful, and Steve is grilled for not liking his neighbour. The more Steve attempts to show everyone what a jerk Buddy is - and he IS a jerk; a lying, thieving, crass buffoon - the more it backfires, making HIM look bad and making everyone love Buddy all the more.

It's also detrimental that characters never seem to live in the real world. Case in point:

In a phoney display of apology, Buddy gives Steve a new car from the dealership he works for. Steve is utterly gob-smacked by the generosity and (out of guilty) he repents for decidedly misjudging Buddy. As it turns out, Buddy forged Steve's signature on some legal documents...meaning Steve has officially BOUGHT the car and must now pay for it. This is probably six different types of illegal, but does Steve ever go to the police to sort things out like a smart person? No, instead the men decide to settle matters by having an ice-skating race at the Winterfest. No matter who wins the race, Buddy still doesn't get charged with fraud, theft, or forgery - all of which could be proven, and all of which could put a man in gaol for a long time.

Furthermore, characters mysteriously recite one-liners when no other characters are nearby to hear them. Like a scene during which a young boy (seeing two hot girls undress through a window) exclaims - out loud, even though he is all alone - "This is going to be the best Christmas ever!" Who are you talking to, you horny little brat? Yourself? The audience? The telegraph pole you're perched on? The Lord?

Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito appear to give it their all. Nevertheless, they are merely playing the umpteenth versions of their long-established screen personas. It's difficult to imagine a performance in which Broderick has displayed greater stiffness. It's as if Ferris Bueller has been aged and starched. On that note, Broderick has been gradually losing his charm since the 80s ended. DeVito is marginally better, but it's a very tragic state of affairs when someone of DeVito's stature can't get a laugh (only two or three lines at most provoke a slight lip movement...but nothing more). Kristin Chenoweth and Kristin Davis have roles as the supportive wives who become friends as their husbands bicker. The two Kristins are so forgettable. Meanwhile, the kids are annoying to an alarming extent.

A typical scene in the film depicts either Matthew Broderick or Danny DeVito (or both) with some sort of situation to handle. Cue the part when something foolish is done (which can be predicted years before they transpire). This same formula is used over and over again, and that's what makes up Deck the Halls. Trees are burned, dads perversely leer at their teenage daughters without realising it, and of course a character gets covered in animal excrement - in this case a camel spitting on Broderick. Yet after every bad joke and awkward situation, it's obvious there will be a reunion of sorts at the end of the film and amends will be made. Why? Because it's Christmas! All is forgiven, right? Hell to the no! It's not possible to forgive the writers and actors for wasting one's time with recycled clichés and unfunny moments. It spends an hour establishing Buddy as a despicable wretch, and then somehow the audience is expected to start liking him because Steve is dumb enough to be conned into forgiving him? In the real world, Buddy would be forced to reform - to admit his wrongdoing and plead for forgiveness. In this twisted wreckage of Hollywood excess, somehow STEVE is the one who needs to change his ways.

There are a few Christmas movies that are really, really good. Bad Santa, for example. Or Christmas Vacation. Deck the Halls, however, is not destined to be remembered among them. It's a superficial exercise, bursting with poorly motivated characters hanging from a clichéd story. It wouldn't be so bad if the jokes and the set-pieces were actually funny - as it is, though, they're sluggish and obnoxiously unfunny. The one sole positive (perhaps that word is far too strong...it actually pains me to admit this) is that it's periodically enjoyable. Oh, and I'm also happy it actually ended.

Those tempted to give this film a chance as a mark of respect for Broderick and/or DeVito should think twice. If you're a fan of one or both performers, you simply don't want to behold the material they've been given here. Deck the Halls is a worthless, brazen, witless, soulless, hollow husk.

"I want my house to be seen from space!"