Worst Movies

Erm ... sucks. Stupid.

Let us not speak.

No offence to any Americans when I say this - but to Michael Bay - don't bring your patriotic crap to me! I don't want it. Don't dramaticise and promote stupidity and recklessness, please.

In the first "Terminator", Arnie famously siad "I'll be back". Well, shit, now he IS back and no - one thanks him for it. What a crock of shit.

This, fair people, is a shit movie. It's completely stupid and not at all scary. Ooh ... people screaming. I'm SO scared. Meh.

It's not that it's SO bad, it's that the story is as unoriginal as a recipe for chocolate cake. Run - of - the - mill stuff.

First, Meg Ryan is a heinously overrated actress. Stop constantly twisting your head when you speak, Meggie. Second, so the movie is about supposedly strong women rising in the world. Good. But then why is Meg so emotional in the movie?

Terrible sequel, I say. "Meet the parents" was ok, but not this.

This movie was so dumb. It was completely pointless - I didn't even like it when I was younger, and you know how it is (often movies you liked as a kid are just plain stupid to everyone else).

First off, I hate family movies. PG movies can be good, but not movies specifically aimed at families. No, no, no. The fake kangaroo does will not entertain even the most mentally challenged audience in the world.

Jerry O'Connell is nauseatingly ugly, as well as a nauseatingly bad actor. Estella Warren provides some distraction for males (lucky them), but she is far from a good actress. Anthony Anderson is a funny guy, I'll admit, but this is just beneath any decent, self - respecting actor.

Any Australian would be insulted. I don't blame them.

Propaganda ... jargon bloody propaganda. You self - righteous American assholes (not all Americans - just Michael Bay and Randall Wallace, the writer).

Not only is it historically inaccurate, it is also overdone to the brink of humiliation and nausea.

Ben Affleck is one fuck up of an actor. And the bit where Josh Hartnett says 'I think WW2 has just started' is laughable. I think it was the only entertaining piece of the movie. WW2 officially started 1939, the attack on Pearl Harbour was 1941 (please refer to 2nd sentence of first paragraph).
Kate Beckinsale ... I am disappointed. She is above this biased crap.

And hey, guys - remember Hiroshima? But you weren't at fault, NOOOO.

Holy shit. I mean, HOLY S.H.I.T. I am dumbstruck.

It's not exactly difficult to keep a straight face - this 'comedy' has no charm, no intelligence but most importantly ... no humour! Ripping off perfectly good films e.g. Pirates of the Caribbean, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to make a really bad one is just not cool, people.

On the acting side, Jayma Mays would have to be the worst, followed shortly by Adam Campbell. Damn, they SUCK. The only movie in which I actually cringed.

What is even more difficult, however, is to fully describe this movie in it's complete epic awfulness. So I will refrain from even trying.

Here's another one for the 'Worst movies' list. I'd give it a quarter star if it was in any way possible.

a.k.a Barbra Streisand yodels and barks while trying to fight for women's rights. It's been done many times before, and better.

The phone rings at midnight. Tentatively (and rather stupidly), you edge towards it, and pick it up.
'You're gonna die in 7 days!'
A laugh escapes you.
'Suck my -,' you reply, and hang up.

A week passes. You're lying in bed, watching a video, observing for the second time a young girl crawling out of an unused latrine. You wonder what drew you to it. And then, suddenly, the flash of a dagger (or whatever weapons mutant beasts make use of), a long scream and then ... silence.

'The Ring' is a movie that is essentially as badly written and silly as my manuscript shown above. Also plays out almost exactly the same story.

Naomi Watts can do better than this. Her 'role' comprises of looking around corners with the same, terrified look frozen on her face all the time. I was also extremely surprised that to learn that the movie was directed by Gore Verbinski. Why do American suspense film directors always insist on remaking Japanese horrors? Don't they have enough ideas of their own? That was a rhetorical question. Of course not.

So why 2 stars? Possibly, just because I was mildly entertained while writing a review for this horrendously asinine flick.

I love watching crap movies, because I can have the best bitch about them afterwards. I'm about to have a phenomenal one right now.

Vince Vaughn a.k.a the loud - mouthed, stereotyped guy who's going prematurely bald is as irritating as ever alongside co - star Jon Favreau a.k.a the guy who looks disturbingly like his inane co - star. The plot is so thin not even Jesus himself could have taken a stroll on it without falling through. On the light side, P. Diddy is surprisingly good.

Possibly the worst part of made is the part that does not, as far as I could assess, exist. I mean, it's not that it has too much of anything. It's more like the absence of anything. What the movie lacks is substance itself.

If you are male, I'm sure you'll have more fun tying a 5 kg weight to your balls. If you're female ... well, I'm sure you'll think of something. Avoid, if this means anything to you.

Look at the title, everyone. Just look, now.

Good. This "celebration of stupidity" (not my own words) is just as funny as a stomach ulcer on a hot, Sunday afternoon. Just so you know.

It has it's moments, I guess. The beginning is promising for the genre, but the unimaginative script and bad acting from those with an IQ supposedly higher than that of Harry and Lloyd (who, in comparison, give an Oscar - worthy performance) lose it a half - star.

A pile of excrement to be avoided.

Why not just call it Madagascar: The Rip - Off? This should really earn an award for the cheesiest lines ever. And we've all gone to lengths of cheesy lines which we previously thought unimaginable, right? Think again.

Despite the promising cast, this movie just didn't hit any note with me (apart from a couple of nerve endings). The animation is rather well done, something was lacking. Maybe a storyline and a brain cell or two might have helped?

The Wild basically takes a portion of every mediocre movie ever made, and copy/pastes it. The jokes attempt to comply with the needs of two levels, but fail miserably.

Sorry about the pessimism ... but just don't do this to yourself.

Two words: kill me. Both Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray are shit actors.

Let's see: predictable plot, cutesy characters, stereotypes ... hey, it sounds just like ... a shitty movie!

I won't really say more. Too damn lazy.

Who didn't love the music video of Ayo Technology? Was a fun, if exploitative, four minutes of my life. But when it gets dragged over 90 minutes, it will get tiring.

Now, be fair, folks. Did you start this movie expecting it to be mind - altering and deep? Of course not. At least, you shouldn't have, if you have any brain cells whatsoever.

Acting is mediocre - I can't complain. I mean, give these guys a break, it's not like they have a master script to work with. Now taking the first comment into account, I can still complain about the excessive obscenities and pointless nudity, which get irritating. Not to mention the fact that these guys insist on putting 'man' at the end of almost every sentence.

As for the rest, it's run - of - the - mill gangbanger nonsense. Supposedly based on a true story (Beanie Sigel never actually did any of those things), we honestly have very little actual plot to grasp. Oh, but you might have to concentrate on who shoots who and who calls who 'motherfucker' next.

Verdict: Forgettable. Go see a documentary on forest fires instead. At least the trees don't cuss every 30 seconds or wear T - shirts they don't even fit into. Not recommended, man (sorry, I couldn't help myself).

What. The. Hell.

This is an insult to the good people of South Africa. It's so awful, you might even cry. Or scream. I was closer to the second, but I did feel the urge to burst into sobs at any moment.

Is there a real story to this? No. There's nothing to go crazy about here.

The accents are horrible and fake (from the South Africans trying to be Americans), the acting has no emotion at all, and the plot (the bit that exists) is not really material for a film. Avoid. See Tsotsi for a proper view of what the South Africans are capable of.

Kyk net, they don't even want to put a poster up it's so crap.

Half a star it did not deserve. That rating is reserved for things likeEpic Movie.

Still, it has no real plot. The characters are wooden and the acting is just average, despite the promising cast.

So boring you won't notice time go by. And if you did you'd wish it would go faster. So if you like it, great for you. I dunno how.

Absolutely bloody pointless. Only funny due to it's inaneness (or would that be inanity?).

Classified as a teen 'comedy', which I find insulting to my IQ. Anything can be passed off as being made for teens, as long as it has gratuitious sex and humour which primarily involves bodily functions. You ageist assholes.

Crap acting, crap story (oh hang on; what story?) and even crappier camera work.

Pathetic. Embarrassing, in fact.

The acting is bearable, but not at all special, considering that the cast is so renowned. The kid is irritating, Obi Wan is submissive, and his Jinn is boring. The guy who voiced Jar - Jar Binks is really not as bad as people make out, but his character annoyed me to the point of suicide.

The plot is completely incoherent, and the screenplay might have been written by gorillas (e.g. 'I'm a person and my name is Anakin'. GOD!!)

On the plus side, the special effects really are good. You have to give them that. Primarily why this gets a full star.

Verdict: C'est une catastrophe.

One of the worst movies of all time.

There is no real plot, except getting laid. And yeah, you guessed it, the acting is lame.

This movie brings across a point without resorting to morals. Basically 'Don't let yourself be forced into doing something you don't want to do'. It's a good message, so that saved it from having a half star.

Is this just a teenage boy thing (actually, did you know most of the guys I knew who liked this were virgins?), or did I miss something? The over - the - top, silly sex scenes are highly annoying! There is nothing remotely interesting about watching Jason Biggs f*!k a pastry, but you'll chuckle at how daft the scene looks.

All the guys share the place of most irritating actor (Yes! The Stifler beat the Sandler!) to grace the 'comedy screen', with Alyson Hannigan taking the place of their female counterpart (perhaps only just missed by Jayma Mays).

Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish.

Simply awful. Lacks plot, humour, a good cast and just about everything else that would have made it bearable.

Screw you, Adam Sandler. Seriously.

First off, I am going to name the actors that actually put their names down to star in this incredibly kak film. Adam Sandler (I harbour a particularly strong dislike of his acting talent - or lack of it), Courtney Cox Arquette (no need to say anything) and Burt Reynolds. Are you put off? Not yet? Seriously?

The second step in my demeaning of this movie is citing the ridiculous one - liners. As if the existence of the one - liners wasn't enough, they suck, too. And the bits where they try to add depth where there can't be any, don't get me started. There is absolutely nothing that makes the movie special in any way.

I blame the Americans (sorry to anyone I might offend) with their kilogram barrels of popcorn and 2 litre Cokes for this one. The film wasn't all too successful here, but it made a killing in the U.S. God, do people actually go to a cinema for this? And do they laugh? What has this world come to?

How absolutely inane.

It's derogatory in many ways, targeting many different ethnic groups, but I leave this factor out of my rating entirely. I have met seemingly few women that enjoyed it (make that seemingly few men as well). It makes a mockery of the fine institution of Harvard., on top of it.

Vulgar, but not in a good (or entertaining) way.

Just wrong on all levels.

It was mediocre before ... now it's just awful. 3 stars? What was I thinking?

THIS is on the IMDb Top 250 list?! If I offend anyone, excuse me. But I thought most of - no, scrap that - all of the jokes were so bad I actually wanted to cry. Even John Cleese, who, we all agree, can be a comedic genius, has nothing witty to say. I feel sorry for the guy that was cast in the pitiful role of Brian's mother. You poor sod.

Each joke (or attempt at one) is repeated about four times. There's only so many times 'People's Front of Judea' (or Judean People's Front; whatever) or 'Biggus Dickus' can be funny (none, in my case). I like my satire subtle, not thrown into my face.

As much as I try, there is absolutely nothing good to say. The longest 90 minutes of my life. I wonder why I sat through all of them? The world is a funny place.

Demeaning and irritating. Badly overhyped.

Obviously written by Americans (sorry to anyone I might offend) who think all Africans come from the bushveld. And I don't even delete stars for that. But maybe Tina Fey is right; because I never had to deal with this crap when I was in high school.

Amanda Seyfried and Rachel McAdams can do so much better. Not so sure about Lohan though.

I did not laugh. Believe me I tried. God, I tried. But for the life of me, I couldn't.

Seeing an American burger is a disgusting ordeal. That's right, I said it. An ordeal. Seeing Kal Penn devouring one is worse still. How can people honestly find this pair (the former and John Cho) funny? I mean, how?

People masturbating and smoking pot does not make me laugh (it might, though, on select occasions). Matter of fact, it doesn't even make me chuckle.

I just saw Ashton Kutcher's face again. It does deserve 'worst movies' after all.

Now don't get me wrong - there's nothing wrong with Thomas Jane (apart from stiff acting and clichéd lines). But after two hours of seeing his torso squeezed into a T - shirt two sizes too small, I'd had it.

It's not bad, as in 'Such is torture'. But we have seen it before, haven't we? There is very little rounding to characters or plot. There's the bad guys, and the good guys. No in - between. How realistic (I know it's not meant to be - but come on!).

Basically, we shift focus from Rebecca Romijn's legs to Thomas Jane's nipples and back. And, after a while, you'll vow never to walk into a public change room again.

Let's get something straight here, for it seems a few people have misunderstood my intention. I do not hate Jews. Not in the least. I like them as much as I do anyone else. Though I believe the Germans (Germans, not Nazis) were portrayed unfairly, I in no way condone the Nazi cause or the existence of concentration camps. I just disliked the film, and here are the reasons why.

I understand I'm in the minority here, but to put it plainly, I found this film to be rather arrogant. Firstly, I disagree with the decision to cast British and American/Canadian actors in the leading roles, when the film centers around Poles/Germans, be they Jewish or Nazis. Also, I believe sex has no place in a film that plays on the sympathy of the audience towards a population. Seriously, what relevance does the scene between Schindler and his wife have to the overall purpose of the film? It's a little crude to give such a raw topic the 'Hollywood treatment'.

In short, this is one of (but by far not THE) the most overrated, overhyped, overappreciated, schmaltzy, badly - written (that Oscar certainly was not deserved in my opinion. Either you make a film in German or you make it in English, guys. Multiple languages work only in very few cases e.g. my local favourite 'Tsotsi'. As a general rule: Moenie languages mix nie), drawn - out, biased film I have ever had the misfortune to see. Or rather no; I don't regret it. Scrap that. But I still didn't enjoy it.

On the good side ... no, never mind about the good side. I've said enough already. But considering that I gave it 2.5 stars instead of only a half, there must be something there.

Well, the music is nice. Perhaps that's the only really good thing, but I suppose I'm forgiving because there are worse films out there. Not to mention I learned two completely new things about my toes in those 190 minutes. Firstly, that the second toe is longer than the big one, and secondly that silver nail polish really does suit my "complexion" quite well.

But really, jokes aside, this film is well shot, and despite the bad accents the acting is decent. Still maintain that Ralph Fiennes overacts though. Spielberg is talented but way too patriotic. A bit of neutrality (for those that might misunderstand, this means less patriotism and bias, not sympathy towards Nazis) would have been appreciated by this reviewer. Although I upgraded my rating from a 2 to a 2.5 because I guess I had been a little unfair the first time. Got a bit too patriotic myself.

Generally, the reason I don't agree with the premise of this film is that it misinforms the less educated people. Surely, intelligent people can see that not all Germans were (and certainly are not today) the brutal Nazis that Spielberg is portraying. But from studying reviews from the slightly less informed, this film has given them the wrong impression about the German people. And this is my main problem - the fact that Spielberg did not bother to differentiate between modern Germans and the Nazis of the War era. He, as an intelligent man, should have predicted the effects on the uninformed.

What could have been a great, thought - provoking, unsettling film is actually just a glitzy blockbuster. If you haven't seen it already (which is highly unlikely), you don't need to hurry. There's much better stuff out there dealing with the same/similar topic. e.g. 'The Pianist' with Adrien Brody.

Awful! 'Scary Movie' might not have been the most intelligent series out there, but at least they were bearable.

The satirical humour and conventional thinking (oh come on; at least to some extent) behind the 'Scary Movie' films is gone, and we are left with a slapstick mess. The two writers who penned this crock of shit were definitely the worst of the bunch! Two thumbs down.

There are just too many complaints here to write everything in prose. So, let's do the pros and cons thing, and see where we land:
Pros
1. Brendan Fraser. Who cares if he's nearing forty, the man is still sexy. And it's hardly his fault that he has no decent dialogue to speak of (oh, I beg your pardon - pun).
2. John Hannah. At least you tried, guy.
3. The special effects. Sure, they come in overdose, but you still have to hand it to the people behind the scenes.

Cons
1. The most godawful script in history (Yeah, I know it's just an action movie, but this is just unacceptable). Unlike the first in the series, the dialogue seems forced and tries so hard to be witty it's painful. Falls flat every time, and is definitely my main complaint.
2. Maria Bello. She is not exactly the problem, so much as the transformation of her character. From the smart, adventurous Evelyn Carnahan in the 1999 movie, to an overbearing, fussy Mrs. O'Connell, who still treats her circa 20 - year - old son like a toddler. And there is absolutely no chemistry between her and Fraser, which gave the first (and even the second) movie a push.
3. That Luke Ford guy. Horrific actor, and doesn't even provide something to look at as redemption. And don't even let me get to the whole clichéd Chinese girl/Western guy thing, or the estranged father/son formula.
4. No suspense. The first film (here I go with the first film again) provided tension. Here? Don't even ask.
5. We have a Mummy movie, but no Imhotep, and no desert. I mean, what the f!*k? That's the whole idea gone down the drain! The Dragon Emperor doesn't even touch the concept. He's just another guy in need of moisturiser and a throat lozenge (just wanted to give an example of the flat one - liner concept).

All this together brings me to the conclusion that this movie should never have been made.

I am not stupid enough to pay money to see this, let's just straighten that out. Somehow, I made the brainless decision to spend 90 minutes of my time watching this on Youtube. Hmmm ...

Everyone expects Paris Hilton to be the worst part of this film. Unfortunately, this is not the case. Yes, yes, she's an awful actress, but you'd have to concentrate to notice when exposed to all the other horrors you will be presented with.

I'll give you a spoiler warning but hey, it's really not worth it. We all know the leading man would go with 'The Nottie' eventually, but did we expect he'd only get together with her after she has plastic surgery? Oh no, guys! I've ruined the ending. But I sincerely hope you were sensible enough to work that one out for yourself.

The only 'Nottie' in this film is Joel Moore. And I say this with respect to his looks as well as his acting. Seriously, only the shallowest of men could make a film where a shit- ugly guy gets his pick of two good - looking women.

Verdict: Low, low, low. It's pointless commenting on any other aspects of the film because I couldn't detect anything worth writing about. In case you didn't know already, stay far away.