I am not, nor have I ever been, a fan of fantasy. As a genre, it's always seemed too feeble for me to really get attached to, significantly more so than science fiction or horror, because EVERYTHING is made up: the landscapes, the kingdoms, the animals, even the species of the… More
I am not, nor have I ever been, a fan of fantasy. As a genre, it's always seemed too feeble for me to really get attached to, significantly more so than science fiction or horror, because EVERYTHING is made up: the landscapes, the kingdoms, the animals, even the species of the main characters is all make-believe. Often none of it is grounded in any identifiable reality, and it's very, very hard for me to give a damn about a world where nothing is relatable. Of course, there are a few exceptions to this- I did enjoy the Lord of the Rings trilogy a great deal- but with fantasy, it takes extremely skilled storytelling to bridge that gap to the audience and make the viewer invest interest in the film. Sadly, Dungeons and Dragons never even comes close to this. Based on the most popular role-playing game of all time (yippee-kai-yay), D&D is a perfect example of fantasy at its worst, concocting a meaningless threat to a poorly-realized world that must be saved by two-dimensional characters who go on a cliché-filled quest to find a convenient magical plot device- one that the ridiculously over-the-top forces of evil wish to obtain for themselves. Justin Whalin (you may remember him as Jimmy Olsen from TV's Lois and Clark... but if you don't, I don't blame you) stars as Ridley, the young thief who just might have what it takes to find the red-dragon controlling staff and save the kingdom of Izmer (or he could die a horrible death, but I guess no one else would find that entertaining. At least, as much as I would). He plays the standard Luke Skywalker part okay, but he just doesn't seem to know the meaning of the word "subtle"- I never laughed as hard as I did when I saw him react to an on-screen death (Jesus Christ, man, take it down a few notches!). Also in this film is Marlon Wayans as comic relief sidekick Snails, and since I don't really have anything nice to say about him, I'll just change the subject. Together with a bargain basement team consisting of a red-headed, fake bearded dwarf and a pretty elf in plastic armor- neither of which do a damned thing to move the plot forward, or even add some character to the proceedings- they set out to find... something. I don't know, I really didn't care what they were doing. In fact, in the end, they end up destroying the plot device anyway, and they were the only ones with the map to the cavern that held it, so... why didn't they just burn the map and call the quest a victory? Oh well- who cares. On the villains' side, we have the normally awesome Jeremy Irons... ripping the scenery to shreds with his teeth. I have never seen such incredible overacting in my life- I think he had fun with it, mostly because he knew that fun would be the best he could get out of the experience. Anyway, he's trying to overthrow the rule of the grossly miscast princess Savina, played by Thora Birch- she just couldn't seem to stop fidgeting, as if she just couldn't wait to finish shooting and get off the set (and frankly, I can't blame her). Finally, there's the Darth Vader of the whole thing- a guy named Damadar, played by a guy named (heh) Bruce Payne. About his performance, I can't help but say that it's kind of sad how he seemed to think speaking really slowly and quietly would make him sound menacing; about his character, I have only two words: BLUE LIPSTICK. As for the rest, it's all fairly derivative, with a "maze" in the second act (consisting of only three rooms) that's a straight rip-off of Raiders of the Lost Arc, and it's filled to the brim with questionable CGI shots that would look more at home in a TV show than a major motion picture. In fact, the whole thing has television production values, from the shoddy lighting to the minimal set design. There's no drama in the compositions, or the editing. Really, there's no drama anywhere in this movie- if you don't know how it's going to end going in, then you obviously haven't watched many movies lately. The screenwriters do try to throw in a curve ball or two, but they're poorly conceived and executed haphazardly (one concerning Marlon Wayans did catch me off-guard, but I didn't care- I come too far without caring to muster a reaction by then). The script is juvenile, the plot is irrelevant (it's good guys vs. bad guys, there doesn't have to be a reason). Frankly, all Dungeons and Dragons managed to illicit from me was a deep feeling of apathy at best, and an irritated annoyance at worst. It did get some laughs out of me, but none of them were good-natured. When it was finally over, I could feel the hole in my life where two hours had previously been, but that was all. It takes a lot to make a fantasy film really work, and a hell of a lot more to make one great. Of course, that doesn't keep Hollywood from trying; sometimes the result is Lord of the Rings, but sometimes... MOST of the time... it's this. Save your two hours, friend. Go forth, live life, and never think about watching this movie ever again. Trust me.