House of the Dead (2003)

Featured Audience Ratings

• Jeff "

  
  Uwe Boll's zombie movie is one of the worst films in the history of cinema. Uwe Boll has gotten himself the reputation of being one of the worst Hollywood directors in history. Based on a popular video game, House of the Dead is a poorly made film that is beyond awful. House of… More
  Uwe Boll's zombie movie is one of the worst films in the history of cinema. Uwe Boll has gotten himself the reputation of being one of the worst Hollywood directors in history. Based on a popular video game, House of the Dead is a poorly made film that is beyond awful. House of the Dead will disappoint harden zombie fans because this is poorly conceived trash. This film has one thing going for it, it's unintentionally humorous. This film is so bad, that it's hilarious. Uwe Boll actually placed video games scenes in his movie to give it a "video game" type feel. Instead, it's hilarious. The use of cinematography is criminal in this film. Now, I'm an epileptic, and whenever the camera started spinning, I had to cover my eyes because it felt like I was going to have a seizure. If you're looking for a good, entertaining zombie film, you won't find it here because Uwe Boll can't write an effective plot to his films (under the very rare occasion, he's managed to direct two or three watchable films). However, House of the Dead is not watchable, this is a film with no plot, and bad acting, bad special effects, and it feel like a sci fi channel made for TV movie. House of the Dead is yet another prime example as to why video game to screen adaptations do not work. Occasionally they do, but not in the case of Uwe Boll's House of the Dead. If you're looking for a good zombie action film, watch Resident Evil instead, and skip this film. You'll be glad you did.

• Tsubaki S

  
  Stop spinning the fucking camera Uwe!

• Tim S

  
  Since its release, I've always written House of the Dead off as a terrible piece of celluloid that should never have been made. I have since gone back on that statement for a couple of reasons. Don't get me wrong though. I don't consider it to be any sort of a… More
  Since its release, I've always written House of the Dead off as a terrible piece of celluloid that should never have been made. I have since gone back on that statement for a couple of reasons. Don't get me wrong though. I don't consider it to be any sort of a masterpiece, or even craptastic. It still falls into the category of being an awful movie, but there are a couple of things about it that brought me around to it a little bit more. First of all, there are, in my opinion, very overt humorous moments built into the movie. You don't catch them the first time through because you're too busy focusing on how terrible the whole thing is. Second, it has Clint Howard and William Sanderson in it, so that's got to count for something. Third, it has Ona Grauer's amazing cleavage bouncing around at every turn. Fourth, it's a very good adaptation of the game. Some might call me crazy for saying that, but if you've ever played the game, you know how terrible the story, the story logic and the dialogue is in those games. This movie matches that successfully. It's not that Uwe Boll knew what he was doing or anything (Alone in the Dark proves that), but his lack of talent makes it all work somehow. I can't say that I'd want to stick this on very often, but I did find it slightly more enjoyable this go round and I guess that's the most positive thing I can say about a movie everybody is so negative about - including myself.

• Coxxie M

  
  "Does anyone have... a cellphone?"

• Lee ?

  
  Heard how bad this one was prior to watching it and it was every bit as bad as I anticipated... doesn't mean it wasn't fun though! I enjoyed watching its awfulness unfold before me. But to be fair it had a couple of impressively cool moments during the Matrix inspired epic… More
  Heard how bad this one was prior to watching it and it was every bit as bad as I anticipated... doesn't mean it wasn't fun though! I enjoyed watching its awfulness unfold before me. But to be fair it had a couple of impressively cool moments during the Matrix inspired epic shoot-out in the zombie graveyard. If you get enjoyment from hilariously bad movies than this is one of the best of them along with Shark Attack 3.

• Greg S

  
  A bunch of attractive college students go to an island for a rave and find its been overrun by zombies created by an undead pirate, or something. Sloppily made, with no characterization and terrible continuity, but it's never boring, and the Matrix-style music video zombie… More
  A bunch of attractive college students go to an island for a rave and find its been overrun by zombies created by an undead pirate, or something. Sloppily made, with no characterization and terrible continuity, but it's never boring, and the Matrix-style music video zombie slaughter is so overdone it plays like a parody of the first-person shooter mentality.

• _kelly .

  
  this concept had so much promise, but like many video game licences, it translates poorly to screen

• Al S

  
  Feels like over lone music video with bad action scenes and teriable zombies. Made me want to tear my eyes out.

• Dean !

  
  Pure popcorn fun all the way. Tongue in cheek horror based on the gun game, this is good fun.

• Aaron N

  
  Rudy: You did all this to become immortal. Why? Castillo: To live forever! The first movie to unleash us to the masterful work of Uwe Boll. Ok, for a second there I thought my computer my explode for typing that. Uwe Boll is the Ed Wood of our generation. He makes terrible films,… More
  Rudy: You did all this to become immortal. Why? Castillo: To live forever! The first movie to unleash us to the masterful work of Uwe Boll. Ok, for a second there I thought my computer my explode for typing that. Uwe Boll is the Ed Wood of our generation. He makes terrible films, but is in no way dissalusioned to stop. While this film is terrible, it is hilariously terrible. There is a boat captain named capt. Kirk...ned I say more? Well I will. Adapted from the shooter-video game, we have an incredibly lame story involving some teens stranded on an island, forced to battle zombies. Alicia: Guys, check out this book. Looks pretty old, maybe it'll help us! There is plenty of gore, terrible acting and dialogue and an even worse story to follow. The movie even tries to be creative by having bullet time sequences and inserting video game footage into the movie. Why do I give it 2 and a half stars? Because it is entertaining. Why not more stars? Because I absolutely do not want to watch it again, but if I did, it wouldn't kill me. This movie is godawful in almost every way, but it is still fun to laugh AT. Jordan Casper: Who was that thing? Karma: Our best friend. Jordan Casper: Not anymore.

• Jason S

  
  This is one crap of a movie.... and they just made another one.

• Steve K

  
  I give it an extra star for unintentional humor.

• Nate Z

  
  [center][color=darkred][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][b][font=Times New Roman][i][img]http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/548/photo015yc.jpg[/img][/i][/font][/b][/size][/font][/color][/center] [center] [/center] [center][color=darkred][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][b][font=Times New… More
  [center][color=darkred][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][b][font=Times New Roman][i][img]http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/548/photo015yc.jpg[/img][/i][/font][/b][/size][/font][/color][/center] [center] [/center] [center][color=darkred][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][b][font=Times New Roman][/font][/b][/size][/font][/color][/center] [center][color=darkred][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][b][font=Times New Roman][/font][/b][/size][/font][/color][color=darkred][size=3][font=Arial Narrow][b][font=Times New Roman][font=Arial Narrow][i]House of the Dead[/i] (2003)[/font][/font][/b][font=Times New Roman][font=Arial Narrow]: IMDB rating: 2.0 (#20 in Bottom 100); 6% fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes[/font][/font][/font][/size][/color][/center] [center][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][color=#8b0000][/color][/size][/font] [/center] [center][color=darkred][size=3][font=Arial Narrow][font=Times New Roman][/font][/font][/size][/color][/center] [left][color=darkred][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][font=Times New Roman][/font][/size][/font][/color][font=Arial][color=darkred]House of the Dead is Uwe Boll’s first foray into the video game-to-movie niche he’s carved himself. It’s based on a first-person-shooter by Sega that lets players blast their way through a haunted house and its undead tenants. There’s not much to the game. In interviews Boll has remarked at how he hated the film’s jokey script and rewrote much of it on the fly, trapping the film between the genres of horror and action. In the DVD jacket, executive producer/co-writer Mark A. Altman says, “House of the Dead is no Citizen Kane.” This may be the understatement of the millennium, comparable only to Napoleon saying Russia might be a tad cold.[/color][/font][/left] [font=Arial][color=darkred]Matt (Steve Byers), Greg (Will Sanderson), and Simon (Tyron Leitso) are meeting with fellow college students Alicia (Ona Grauer), Karma (Enuka Okuma), and Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa). They’re ready to party at the rave of the century. This rave of raves takes place on the ominously named Isle del Muerte (The Island of the Dead). I suppose this proves that no one on the rave planning board speaks Spanish. The kids eventually hitch a ride to the island from Captain Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow) and his first mate (Clint Howard). Hot on Kirk’s heels is Casper (Ellie Kornell), a border agent after Kirk for gunrunning. Once they arrive at the island, the kids are shocked to find the rave site vacated, destroyed, and swarming with zombies. Everyone makes a run for it and regroups with some of the rave’s survivors, led by Rudy (Jonathon Cherry). The groups team up, armed by Kirk, and set out to shoot their way home. But there’s also a very evil figure roaming about that has more sinister plans for the island’s fresh meat.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]House of the Dead isn’t a horror movie at all. Boll has no idea how to stage scenes with tension. He has no feel for mood or atmosphere, which are the foundations of a good horror flick. So instead, House of the Dead is a riotously dumb action movie. But under Boll’s direction, it’s not even good at that. The action is repetitious and pedestrian. Boll’s big melee sequence becomes boring because it doesn’t progress. There’s just ten minutes of wall-to-wall shooting zombies, but there isn’t any order to it, no rhyme or reason. If you want a perfect example of Boll’s inept staging, skim to 47:20 into the DVD and watch. You’ll see a zombie leap onto a jumping platform and launch himself into the air. House of the Dead actually has scenes where we see exposed jumping pads and landing mats.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]Boll gets drunk on special effects very easily. He loves the bullet time effect and throws it in at odd points. Every single character gets a tiresome slow-mo camera spin as they fire a gun. After the ninth and tenth time, the thing gets old. The characters don’t even have the same weapons in the shots before the slow-mo jazz. Boll doesn’t use flashy effects to benefit his narrative, unlike The Matrix. Boll actually thinks using clips from the actual video game is a good device to transition between scenes. There will be moments where screen shots of the game just pop up. Boll is a kid with toys and no clue when to put them back into the box.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]This movie’s silliness is jaw dropping. The so-called rave of the century seems to be poorly attended, and the better for it since it takes place on the Island of the Dead (Isle del Muerte). Is that really the best place to host a social gathering? Perhaps everyone gets what they deserve for being stupid. Kirk, after shooting several zombies, limply remarks, “[i]Now[/i] I know why they call this the Island of the Dead.” The line should be accompanied by a rim shot. The movie doesn’t even live up to the lofty ambitions of its title. The film should be renamed Island of the Dead.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]By far the most ludicrous story element is the film’s villain, Castillo (David Palffy). It seems that before he stalked the island in a hooded cloak, looking like Robert DeNiro in Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, he was a Spanish pirate/doctor. He tried to experiment on living tissue in order to unlock the secret of how to be immortal. He was imprisoned on a Spanish ship and was shipwrecked on the Island of the Dead (what are the odds?). He’s concocted a special Kool-Aid that will bring the dead back to life, though I don’t know why he’s still stuck on an island if he can’t drown. I guess he’s been biding his time and waiting for stupid college students so he can see some T&A.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]The characters are made up of people interested in attending a rave, but when the action hits they’re all instantly adept at weaponry and kung-fu. That’s not the typical raver I know, and these people must be super ravers if they’re going to the rave of the century. Simon is described as “the biggest underwear model in America,” and for all I know underwear models encounter a lot of gunfire on the runway. The DVD jacket has character profiles where it lists their name, age, weapon of choice, and skill. After having watched House of the Dead, the skills are laughable at best. Simon the runway model’s skill is “tactical planning.” I also seriously question Rudy’s “leadership” skills since he gets everyone killed.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]Of course everyone in the movie is profoundly stupid. While trapped in the island’s lone house, Rudy says the kegs of gunpowder are useless without a charge, and then he walks past a series of lit candles. The whole house upon arrival is filled with lit candles (who has the time for that, by the way?). Alicia is convinced that the rave site being deserted, destroyed, and zombie-infested is all a practical joke, as if Ashton Kutcher is just around a tree poised to yell, “You suckas just got [i]punk’d[/i]!” There are numerous moments where a character will wander into the dark and say, “[Insert name], is that you?” Kirk takes the last stick of dynamite and plans to sacrifice himself by blowing up some zombies good. He lights the stick, wanders outside their barricaded stronghold, and blows himself sky high. What Kirk failed to do was move far enough from the house, because he also blows the front door wide open and the zombies filter inside. No wonder Picard is the better Starfleet captain.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]The acting doesn’t even rise to the level of camp. The actors feel unrestrained and marooned, typical of a Uwe Boll film. The man has no feel for actors and this explains why his films have some of the worst line readings I’ve ever heard (2000’s Dungeons and Dragons is still the worst). Casper acts like a crabby fitness instructor. The dialogue is bad as is, but when added with the poor line readings it turns every spoken sentence into something of unintentional hilarity. Take this nugget from Simon: “We got to the boat but it wasn't there.” Well, then did you really get to it?[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]House of the Dead can be enjoyed for the depths it plumbs. The dialogue is cheesy and leaden. The movie is bad enough that if you have some friends over, drink steadily, you’ll have a blast laughing and hurling popcorn at the screen. The movie does have a decent amount of blood and gore and the make-up effects are good but limited. You can enjoy House of the Dead in a fun derisive way, and it’s hard to argue with the price some retailers charge (I bought it on Amazon.com for 75 cents plus shipping). The DVD commentary is also good for a laugh, that is, if Boll’s self-flagellating remarks are serious. At one point he compares his zombie action movie to Schindler’s List. Boll also marvels at an actor’s ability to carry objects and make them seem heavy. I’m not sure if Boll is serious or just making fun of the movie like everyone else.[/color][/font] [color=darkred][size=2][font=Arial][i][font=Times New Roman][font=Arial][size=2]House of the Dead[/size][/font][/font][/i][font=Times New Roman][font=Arial][size=2] is a dull action movie within the framework of a horror flick. The characters are powerfully stupid, the action is redundant, the effects are chintzy and overused, and the direction is lackluster. Boll has added little in transitioning a game about poppin’ zombies onto the silver screen. The video game is flimsy and the movie based upon it manages to be even flimsier. [i]House of the Dead[/i] is incredibly dumb entertainment and the fact that a sequel is well underway cannot be a good sign for human existence. I never thought I’d utter these words but . . . Clint Howard, you’re too good for this.[/size][/font][/font][/font][/size][/color] [color=darkred][size=2][font=Arial][font=Times New Roman][/font][/font][/size][/color] [color=darkred][size=2][font=Arial][font=Times New Roman][b][font=Arial][size=2]Nate's Grade: D[/size][/font][/b][/font][/font][/size][/color] [color=darkred][size=2][font=Arial][font=Times New Roman][/font][/font][/size][/color] [color=darkred][size=2][font=Arial][font=Courier New][/font][/font][/size][/color] [center][img]http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/3401/photo124xu.jpg[/img][/center] [font=Courier New][font=Arial][/font][/font] [font=Courier New][font=Arial][/font][/font] [center][color=darkred][font=Arial Narrow][size=3][b][i]Alone in the Dark[/i] (2005)[/b]: IMDB rating: 2.2 (#28 in Bottom 100); 1% fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes[/size][/font][/color][/center] [color=darkred][size=2][/size][/color] [color=darkred][size=2][/size][/color][font=Arial][color=darkred]Edward Camby (Christian Slater) is a paranormal investigator trying to rediscover what happened in his past. He was apart of 20 orphans taken by Fischer (Frank C. Turner), your basic mad scientist type. Camby was the only child to escape Fischer’s poking and prodding. The other orphans have become sleeper agents/zombies to assist him in opening a dimensional gate to another world, a world with bloodthirsty creatures that live in darkness. This world and its creatures were first discovered by an ancient Native American tribe who mysteriously vanished. But before doing so, they thoughtfully broke the dimensional key and hid the pieces all over North America. Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) is a scientist/archeologist that specializes in this Native American tribe and its artifacts. She teams up with her old flame, Camby, to help stop the mad doctor. Monitoring the whole situation is Commander Burke (Stephen Dorff), the man in charge of the United States government’s bureau of the paranormal. He leads his no-nonsense super troopers to the location of the dimensional gateway, which just happens to be underneath Camby’s childhood orphanage.[/color][/font] [color=darkred][font=Arial][i]Alone in the Dark[/i] is a good film for people that felt [i]House of the Dead[/i] was too intellectual. It should be obvious after reading the plot synopsis, but [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] is a movie of unparalleled stupidity. What was the point of making orphans sleeper agents/zombies? They’re very easily disposed of and not very effective. I don’t know whether or not this is because they didn’t have a mom and dad growing up. What does this mad doctor hope to achieve by opening the door to creepy crawly monsters? I guess he thinks the monsters will be grateful and give him some kind of bureaucratic job, instead of, you know, gutting him and drinking his blood. I’ll never understand why villains align themselves with creatures whose only purpose is killing. How does Camby end up having a childhood flashback from a perspective that isn’t his own? The plot of [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] is a gigantic mess. What other film in recent memory fits together ancient Native American tribes, monsters from an alternate dimension, government agencies, orphanages, zombies, and Tara Reid as a college educated person? You know you’re in bad hands when they open the film with a ten paragraph scrawl to explain what the film, by itself, cannot. And then they add narration because they don’t trust their audience to read.[/font][/color] [font=Arial][color=darkred]The film is called [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] and tells us that killer creatures lurk where we cannot see them. This is a fine platform to engineer some good scares; really stir the audience into fearing what they cannot see. As always, nothing will be scarier than a person’s mind at work. Boll doesn’t agree. He doesn’t even toy with the idea of hiding his creatures and building tension gradually. Boll prefers to show you his monsters immediately and often, therefore eliminating any attempts at suspense. Now the characters aren’t running away from what they can’t see; they’re running away from lame CGI rat/alligator creatures. The monsters look laughable and should have staid in the shadows for as long as possible. It’s hard to spook an audience once they see what they’re supposed to be afraid of. Boll’s impatience for suspense and his love of cheesy special effects cripple [i]Alone in the Dark[/i].[/color][/font] [color=darkred][font=Arial][i]Alone in the Dark[/i] has no pulse when it comes to action. Boll stages his action sequences like different stations on a gameshow. Characters (contestants) run from station to station, picking up weapons and shooting at whatever, and then advancing to another stage with a different weapon. Much of the action just comes out of nowhere and ends in its own confused way. Boll likes to season his poorly choreographed action sequences by cranking up loud rock music and mixing in excessive, gimmicky special effects. For no reason, Camby and Aline and the soldiers will be shooting and Boll just all of sudden decides this scene should be in a strobe light. Or he’ll shove in a cheap slow-mo follow-the-bullet effect. Boll likes testing out different effects that serve little purpose other than to call attention to itself. Boll has confused this with style.[/font][/color] [font=Arial][color=darkred]Speaking of action coming out of nowhere, Boll manages to squeeze in an out-of-the-blue sex scene. Aline visits Camby in the morning, sees him sleeping, and decides on the spot to crawl into bed and have sex with him. I’m sure this is well within Reid’s character, but would she really keep her bra on the whole time? I don’t think so. Reid and Slater have no chemistry whatsoever. It’s like watching water buffalos go at it. Then the sex is never referred to again. This is just another pristine example of how carelessly Uwe Boll handles plot and characters. Rarely does Boll even bother with a transition scene to explain how a character got from Point A to Point B.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]Boll’s direction is lazy and derivative. There are scenes that openly ape superior movies, like [i]Alien[/i], [i]Raiders of the Lost Ark[/i], [i]Starship Troopers[/i], and even Boll’s own [i]House of the Dead[/i] for crissakes. The plot is a cut-and-paste job of the series finale of TV’s [i]Buffy the Vampire Slayer[/i]. Both deal with an army of creatures living under an everyday school building and involve a special key to unlock the gateway. And like in [i]Buffy[/i], some noble individual sacrifices himself to destroy the gateway’s underground entrance. No, scratch that. The plot itself is virtually a copy of [i]Super Mario Brothers[/i], the first video game based movie. Both films involve some magical key needed to unlock two alternate dimensions of creatures. No, scratch that. This is one big rip-off of [i]Darkness[/i][i]Falls[/i], since both involve crazy creatures that can only attack from the dark. Whatever it is, [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] is Boll’s opportunity to showcase his unoriginality. That is, if you can pry him away from inserting more pointless slow-mo bullet effects.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]The acting is wildly all over the map. I wonder if Boll will ever be able to direct actors. The line delivery is terrible all around. Slater is subdued and permanently cranky. Maybe somewhere inside that Jack Nicholson grin he’s realized he’s slumming it. Reid acts like an irritable child playing dress-up. Dorff seems to be the only actor having any fun, though I don’t know how intimidating this diminutive actor comes across as a military man. The actors of [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] confuse loud with emotional.[/color][/font] [font=Arial][color=darkred]Let’s take some time out to spotlight Reid and her character. The way [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] convinces us that Reid (and her black hole of eyeliner) is a scientist is by giving her some black rimmed glasses and putting her hair in a pony tail. Reid with hair down and no glasses? Trashy party girl. Reid with hair up and glasses? Respected member of the scientific community. It’s just that easy, folks. For a scientist, Reid has an awful lot of halter-tops. Maybe she’s that lone scientist that likes to go out for Mai tais after getting her hands dirty with the scientific method. Apparently being a scientist didn’t help Reid with her geography; she pronounces Newfoundland “New-[i]FOUND[/i]-land” (the correct pronunciation is “New-fin-lan”). Reid is no more believable as a scientist than a porn star. In fact, a porn star would be more believable and give a better performance.[/color][/font] [color=darkred][font=Arial]The dialogue reeks of poorly concealed exposition. A chatty security guard serves as the writer’s sloppy conduit to establish back story: “You don’t know about the Indians? Let me explain,” “You don’t know who Aline Cedrac is? Let me explain,” “How’s your [i]boooooy[/i]friend, Aline Cedrac?” [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] relies on gobs of thick exposition to cover up its insurmountable plot holes. The movie thinks it’s like a cool detective noir. It’s not. You never heard Sam Spade say, “Fear is what protects you from the things you don’t believe in.” Huh? Does that make any sense?[/font][/color] [color=darkred][font=Arial][i]Alone in the Dark[/i] is symptomatic of all of Boll’s directorial flaws. He has no feel for tone, he has no control over actors, he makes bad stylistic decisions that detract from the film, and he has no time for subtlety. Boll spoils all of his surprise by showing the monsters up and front instead of letting the human mind fill in the blanks for terror. This is a brain-dead action film that doesn’t even trust its audience to read. [i]Alone in the Dark[/i] is a film so incompetent, so ridiculous, so convoluted, and so moronic that it must bend the laws of space and time simply to exist. This makes [i]House of the Dead[/i] look well thought out. If this is indicative of what Boll has in store for his video game adaptations, then you can expect many duds yet to come on Boll’s path to eventual audience oblivion. If anyone dared venture to a theater to see this movie, they’d find themselves alone in the dark all right. And shamed. Deeply, deeply shamed.[/font][/color] [font=Times New Roman][font=Arial][size=2][color=darkred][b]Nate’s Grade: F[/b][/color][/size][/font][/font]

• George R

  
  "You did this to become immortal...but why?" "To live forever." There, the best piece of dialogue you could ever hear, & after that, do you really need to know more? DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!!! ...I have seen some BAD movies, & I mean BAD (An… More
  "You did this to become immortal...but why?" "To live forever." There, the best piece of dialogue you could ever hear, & after that, do you really need to know more? DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE!!! ...I have seen some BAD movies, & I mean BAD (An American Haunting, Pulse [remake], Eragon, & Exorcist: The Beginning just to name a few), but this movie, I'm sorry, my eyes were just RAPED watching this. And my brain, it still hurts even after such a long time of not watching this horrible movie! IDK where to begin on how horrible this 'movie' is. This movie sets a record for one of the WORST movies I have ever seen in my life. I think half of my brain died after I watched this horrible excuse for a movie. I went to the doctor the day after & told him I've become a bit mentally retarded. He did some analysis on my head, & said he didn't get it. The acting was something worse than out of a straight-to-DVD Sci-Fi film. And the scenes where the characters 'acted' made me lose some memory cells. I mean, the characters seemed to have been getting their lines from tab cards. And the acting for the zombies was beyond horrible. "IIIII waaannt yoouuurrrr ffflleeeeeeessshhh" WTF was that!? Zombies don't talk!! And if they do, then they don't speak perfect English!! (only in Ugly American can a zombie be your best friend & speak perfect English) In fact, I saw them using the same zombie in so many different scenes even after it was 'killed'. So pretty much after you saw one of them die, you'll see that same one in another two or three scenes. If you've played the arcade game this movie is based on, then you'd clearly remember how horrendously bad the voice acting was in the second (first?) one. But c'mon, the acting in that game is 100 times better than the acting in this movie. I am not kidding you. Thi movie's acting is so bad that it makes the acting in "New Moon", "The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lavagirl", & "When a Stranger Calls" (remake) look phenomenal. As for the special effects, don't get me started. The makeup on the zombies looked like something a kindergartner would do or something 10-year-olds would wear to Halloween. The so called 'action' had spinning cameras & Matrix slow-motion that almost made me crack up. And IDK why the hell that idiot added some of the scenes from the game it's based on. In fact, every time one of the characters would die, I may recall seeing a 'Game Over' scene of the game pop up D: Plot & story......was there even one!? I mean, the movie is called "House of the dead" but there was NO HOUSE during any part of the movie, it had an island. An island called "Isla de muertos". Wouldn't the island's name have given those imbecile characters a clue!? Talk to someone who speaks Spanish mother f*cker!! And yet, once they get to the island for the 'rave' (which only consists of around 2 tents, a port-a-john, & a volleyball net) they find it all trashed & shit while the shirts are covered in blood, do they run? No instead, they stay for the free booz. And here's another thing to make it worse for the film, it has tons of plot holes! Why the hell were those teens going to the rave in the first place? What was the rave about? How did the zombies come to be?! And here's another one, there is a Conquistador in one of the flashbacks & he talks about making an experiment to make him everlasting...ok, what does that have to do with the film?!?! Why the hell did he make zombies if his quest was to find immortality?! And why would he want zombies rather than to find some other guys are idiotic as him to help him in his experiments?! Tons more questions to ask, but no answers to any of them! Every character in this movie is unlikable!! You just wish that the zombies in this film could kill them all. But wait! No, that's not gonna happen because these 20 something year olds pick up tons of heavy weaponry & start shooting their shot guns with 100% accuracy even when this was their first time holding a gun! And to make it even more laughable, some of the characters in there were getting eaten by one of the zombies & then one of the dudes who was shooting gets a series flashbacks that then brings them to this point! How the hell do you get a flashback when you are shooting zombie's with you impossible 100% accuracy, & while your friend is getting killed by a zombie?! NOTHING in this movie makes any sense!! Direction......................No comment. As far as a video game adaption, yeah, it's dead in the water. The film HIGHLY strays from the game. You can say the same thing for other video game adaptions such as "Resident Evil" or "Silent Hill", but no, massive differences. Resident Evil, the movies somehow RESEMBLE the game it is based on, & Silent Hill stays close to the game & follows it much more than the others (with the exception of the heavy focus of the cult thing). This one, I'm sorry doesn't even follow the game by the title. If you thought the Mortal Kombat movies were shit, this movie will make you consider it the greatest video game adaption in history. Only something like this could be made by some imbecile retard who has no clue about movie making. Uwe Boll. Who ever actually thought of letting this guy graduate with some degree in movie making must have either been black-mailed or exceptionally retarded themselves. Uwe Boll should not be allowed near a camera. He should be getting some maturity classes as well. Hell this movie makes that Super Mario Bros & Double Dragon movie look like "Evil Dead"! Bad acting, bad special effects, lame (& terrible) techno score, laughable dialogue, unlikable characters, boring action scenes, & worst of all, nothing to do with the game. I actually almost fell asleep on one the action scenes. This film is everything but scary. Hell even Disney Channel's "Hocus Pocus", "Halloween Town", & that Halloween episode of Lizzie McGuire was scarier than this shit. This film should be shown to film students in their first year. This will lecture/show them what not to do in a movie. I swear this is something a 9-year-old who has an obsession with zombies, video games, & boobies could do. I'm sorry to say that this review of mine isn't enough to say how bad this movie is. I can go on writing about another 10 paragraphs to say how bad it is, & even that wouldn't sum up to let you know how horrible it is! No critic's review, no ordinary person's review, & no movie critic website's overall low scores for this movie can describe how horrible it is (& yet, Alone in the Dark is even worse [hard to believe I know]). I'm sorry, but this movie almost made me stab my eyes out. I wanted a REAL zombie from a REAL ZOMBIE MOVIE to come out & eat my eyes to stop myself from continuing to watch the film. I learned 2 things from watching this 'movie': 1. I'll never listen to my siblings when they say "George, come & see this movie, it has some monsters that are really scary". Never again, I should've known it was not going to be scary since they suck at picking horror movies. 2. I'll never watch another movie that has "Uwe Boll" written in it. Take my advice, don't bother watching this. Don't bother watching it on youtube even if it's free. Don't even bother looking at it when you go to Blockbuster. And if you have enough balls to do it anyway, be prepared to lose half of your brain. There are films that are "so bad their good/funny:, but this is not one of them. This film is just bad. And if you think Uwe Boll's movies are great or Uwe is an amazing director, I'm sorry, you're beyond help. In fact, your brain died completely. Final summation, this film is just pure shit, actually, this film gives the word shit a bad name! If you want to have a good, lung bursting laugh, watch this film. It's so bad it's just bad. Laughing to it is an option. A solid 00% for this movie (if it didn't show above).

• Matthew R

  
  Uwe Boll comes up with this sack of, you know what. An awful movie, there isn't one positive comment I can give towards this film. Acting, plot, story, direction, all atrocious; House of the dead is more like House of the Idiot. Story: F Acting: F Direction: F Visuals: F… More
  Uwe Boll comes up with this sack of, you know what. An awful movie, there isn't one positive comment I can give towards this film. Acting, plot, story, direction, all atrocious; House of the dead is more like House of the Idiot. Story: F Acting: F Direction: F Visuals: F Overall: F no stars out of 4 stars

• Mike N

  
  Guess what Bill Murray & Scarlett Johanssen movie I just bought today? :cool: Some things to remember in the whackiness (or the extreme lack thereof) with everyday life: Hate paralyzes life; Love releases it. Hate confuses life; Love harmonizes it. Hate darkens life; Love… More
  Guess what Bill Murray & Scarlett Johanssen movie I just bought today? :cool: Some things to remember in the whackiness (or the extreme lack thereof) with everyday life: Hate paralyzes life; Love releases it. Hate confuses life; Love harmonizes it. Hate darkens life; Love illuminates it. Choose love over anger. Choose compassion over condemnation. Choose action over inaction. Time is not our enemy. Our choices are. Make your choices lead to who you will become. [size=1]I swear, there was something else I was gonna write (a good one too), but I'm drawing many blanks right now. And I just said it to myself not 5 minutes ago!! Cursed memory![/size] So um...how's everybody doin'? Good, I imagine. Now, for a small dose of fun, how 'bout I list off all the beverages I've had in the last 24 hours? -Water (exciting) -OJ (Minute Maid; not that canned crap) -Milk (the leftover after my bowls of Waffle Crisp, Grape Nuts or Frosted Mini-Wheats) -Chai Latte (from Starbucks - OK, it's my first trip to the place this year; cut me some slack) -Corona (for my hour of boob-tubing last night) -Water (I didn't list this one already, did I?) -Orange Juice (just trying to fill up slots now) -Water (I swear I just wrote this) Since this is such an exciting topic, what about you guys? What sorts of beverages have you guzzled down in the last 24 hours?

• Jacob P

  
  ... Is this supposed to be funny? I think it is. I wouldn't say it is action packed, but it has some pretty cool zombie kills and fight scenes, also some pretty cool blood and gore. The story was terrible, though. And the plot. It's also very stupid, but I enjoyed it. Not… More
  ... Is this supposed to be funny? I think it is. I wouldn't say it is action packed, but it has some pretty cool zombie kills and fight scenes, also some pretty cool blood and gore. The story was terrible, though. And the plot. It's also very stupid, but I enjoyed it. Not the best zombie flick, either. And it really has nothing to do with the arcade game. The arcade game is way better than this. PLAY THE GAME INSTEAD!

• Duncan R

  
  An Uwe Boll movie! And, surprise surprise, it's really bad! The makeup effects were pretty cool, and there was a really badass shoot-out in the middle of the movie. That's about all the nice things I have to say. The acting was mediocre to bad, the characters were about… More
  An Uwe Boll movie! And, surprise surprise, it's really bad! The makeup effects were pretty cool, and there was a really badass shoot-out in the middle of the movie. That's about all the nice things I have to say. The acting was mediocre to bad, the characters were about as cardboard-cutout as they come, I didn't give two-shits about who lived and died, blah-blah-blah. Yeah, it's the typical, run-of-the-mill teen-slasher that I hate so much. But the most annoying aspect? Throughout the movie, clips of the rail-shooter that inspired the movie flash on screen. Why this is, I have come to three conclusions: 1. Uwe Boll was trying to be original 2. Sega would only allow an adaptation of the game if it included subliminal advertising for it 3. The budget didn't allow for any truly elaborate action scenes, so they stole 'em from the game. My guess is that it's the latter, and for that I applaud Boll's creativity. Did I say creativity? I meant laziness...

• Curt C

  
  I didn't think it was possible to make a movie that was actually faithful to 'House of the Dead', but this does a great job. Has everything you could want from a stupid zombie flick; nudity, some awesome action, techno whatever music, some campy characters, and tons of… More
  I didn't think it was possible to make a movie that was actually faithful to 'House of the Dead', but this does a great job. Has everything you could want from a stupid zombie flick; nudity, some awesome action, techno whatever music, some campy characters, and tons of zombies that actually run and swim. The plot was an afterthought at times, but who cares? Tons of cool stuff happening, camera work that was actually unique, and just full of neat little touches. Turn your brain off and enjoy; bad movies just don't get much better than this.

• Lord N

  
  Watched at the behest of Irukandji. This one is about 5 months late. The second you see the letters U W E B O L L arranged in the dreaded order that spells the name of the horrible German director (Lou Woll) in the opening credits, you know you are in a for a bad film.… More
  Watched at the behest of Irukandji. This one is about 5 months late. The second you see the letters U W E B O L L arranged in the dreaded order that spells the name of the horrible German director (Lou Woll) in the opening credits, you know you are in a for a bad film. Acting/characters: Shallow, generic, and underdeveloped that's all I can say about them. I kept hoping that there would be someone in the whole film who I would think "maybe this one will be different and kinda likable" out of the whole cast, no one fit that bill. I can't even remember their names without looking them up with the exception of Kirk. Even as I write this, their names and faces slip from my mind. That is for the best I feel. I just do not care about them whatsoever. Who could? Maybe the 3 or 4 people out there who like this film say 'the characters are so incidental because this is a cheesy action flick and nothing more.' To those 3 or 4 people (including Uwe Boll) I say, if I want this many faceless characters, I'll go play the video game itself. It's a movie so it should have at least one character worth anything. This doesn't. Plus, the character who narrates the film is so dumb. Well, not just him, the whole concept of the character. A narrator is our protagonist. We are seeing the film from his or her eyes. This guy wasn't in the film for the first third of it. Once he was you never got to really know him at all. It's like he was just there and was narrating it in passing later. I dunno maybe the script did have a likable character, well if so, the actors killed it. They all absolutely sucked. I think one of them went on to do something worthwhile after this...how? They were monotonous, blank, and uninteresting. 0/10 Plot: I've read the plot to the original game. This one is supposed to be a prequel to that game in a sense...no matter what angle you look at it from the two are not connected plot-wise at all. This would be fine I suppose but Uwe Boll decided to use a plot that has been circulating on the Slasher Genre for decades: Teenagers at a party in an abandoned location are being killed off. So, not only did he not even try to tie it into the actual source material itself, he decided to use an old, over-used plot to do it. Way to go Uwe! You've sunk to a new low. At least I haven't seen the plot to Alone in the dark 50 times in 50 different movies like this one. You didn't even try. You didn't even try. 0/10 Screenplay: If I asked Uwe Boll what he thought about the script for this film he would give me a blank stare and say 'the what for my film?' an exaggeration to be sure, but not that much of one. Some lines in there just had my head ringing. Which ones?...all of them...yeah, all of them. I don't know who wrote this screenplay or why but they should be banned from ever making a screenplay again. This comes off like some kid wrote it. No offense to kids. Come on people this is a movie1 You get paid to do this! Now I'm not saying it has to be Casablanca but can you please not try to outdo Troll 2 in terms of stupidity? 0/10 Likableness: I add Uwe Boll to my list of directors who love slow-mo too much (move over Michael Bay and Zack Snyder). And he's just friggin' lazy too. There is one shot that he reuses 4 DIFFERENT TIMES!!! I mean come on! Twice is pushing it but 4!?!?! I highly disliked this film and I will probably never watch it again. I would advise everyone who has not seen this to go and watch something better. Like the Garfield movie (oh snap) and leave this alone. It was terrible. I give this one a solid 0/10. Final Score: 0/40 Tomatometer rating: 4% Tomatometer rating if my review was added: 4% TRIVIA TIME: 1. The fisherman with the hook (gaff) at the beginning of the movie is a reference to the killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer. 2. At the beginning of the movie, Greg says, "Who's the U-boat captain?" when he sees Capt. Viktor Kirk. Prochnow was the captain in Das Boot. 3. Jonathan Cherry burned 30% of his hand on the second day of shooting. The scene on the bridge, where he hurts his hand, was shot later, to explain the bandage he had to wear. 4. Reviews were so bad that Danish cinemas refused to buy it. 5. House of the Dead is the last film to use the turn-table technique for 360° shots. The risk of actors being hurt or killed by the fast-moving camera was too much.

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