The Nude Vampire (Vampire nue, La)

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  April 14, 2009

  Budgeburgess

  I'm sorry to say, this is probably the most pretentious piece of rubbish I've ever seen. If you're looking for a horror movie or a vampire tale, look elsewhere. If you're looking for sex ... sorry, missed out again. The plot ... well, it's more of a badly maintained nettle patch ...( read more)... revolves around some pneumatic young woman who apparently has a rare blood disorder which makes her allergic to sunlight, and somehow immortal. If only the mad scientists could discover the secret of her immortality! If only she hadn't become the focus of some suicide cult for bored young rich things.
  
  We have nudity - tame, but sometimes prettily shot. We have costumes which would make a Fellini movie look quite staid. We have special effects supplied by the viewer - you have to suspend your own disbelief that you're actually watching this and make a special effort not to hit the reject button. We have a pretence at acting ... the leading man carries an expression which reminds me of how a hedgehog might look if it were being given an enema, looked up, and suddenly realised those headlights were bearing down on it. The leading lady bears the expression of a very pretty hedgehog without a sense of humour, and she wears orange well. All the actors seem to blunder through as if hoping the meaning of the film will suddenly dawn on them at some point. And the plot ... well, it's somewhere back there, in that nettle patch, and, believe me, it is patchy at best.
  
  I would be tempted to settle down with a thesaurus and list my top five hundred words for explaining how awful, boring, catatonic, deadening ... x-rated yet zero-worthy this film is. But there is one great cinematic moment ... when some young woman puts a gun to her head, we hear a badly recorded shot from somewhere behind the camera, she very gracefully slips to the floor, and we are left to believe that she has just blown her brains out. And that, believe me, is the highlight of the show!

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