Featured Audience Ratings

• Caesar M

  
  So after choosing to take a break from viewing anything in the action genre I chose something by complete random. Now apparently I'm reviewing an indie movie that is meant to be release in March so I guess I should consider myself somewhat lucky to view it early. Not the case… More
  So after choosing to take a break from viewing anything in the action genre I chose something by complete random. Now apparently I'm reviewing an indie movie that is meant to be release in March so I guess I should consider myself somewhat lucky to view it early. Not the case here as so far every movie I view earlier than the intended release date I have come to hate. Vamp U is about vampire Wayne Gretzky accidentally killing his soul mate and turning his soul mate daughter into a vampire which means Wayne, his friends, and the mother have to kill. That's the setup which would have been fine except this is a unfunny comedy! My biggest problem with is the writing and what atrocious writing it is. The first twenty-five seconds of the movie lowered my expectations immediately. That's quite an accomplishment to make your audience not care that fast. The first-five seconds goes something like "She sells sea shells down by the sea shores. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. Toy boat. Unique New York. Unique New York. My crouch fell". This is possibly the worst first impression anyone can get when viewing a movie. Just imagined trying to sit an entire movie where that is one of the better moments. There's also buildup to final rumble against the vampires in a house, but that's incredibly disappointing. Lets get the obvious problems out of the way. The characters are unlikable, the supporting characters are jerks, there's no logic of any kind, pop culture reference from stuff like Sears are made, stupid comedic lines, and the worst offense being mind numbing stupidity. Now this is a "comedy" but I'll would lying to you it if I called it that. In comedies it's good to take moments from telling joke and build some actual drama but not here. Every single moment is meant to be funny. I don't know about you, but I don't see what's funny in asking a woman "Can I kill your daughter". There's plenty of inappropriate material like this throughout. A girl killed 29 people and that's made into a joke. Having sex with a teacher is turned into a joke. You being told that you have to kill the girl you love because she is became evil is turned into a joke. Even when the mother morning her daughter death the film feels the need to tell a joke. Not even the death speech is meant to be taken serious when you hear "I was still going you kill you, but I made you a mix tape. Mom, your not a b***h". When the film is not trying to be inappropriate we get sex jokes upon sex jokes upon sex jokes. It's tedious not getting different variety of jokes and becomes repetitively painful when unfunny running gags keep appearing. The romance aspect is awful. The romance in Vamp U makes Twilight look like Romeo and Juliet. Also according to this movie women who become vampire are suddenly Gothics. I would question that, but this is the same movie where teacher still has his job despite having sex with one of his student so there's no use to introducing to complex as logic. Now using women looks to keep your audience attention does not work. Unless they have some defining characteristic like intelligence, being funny, or even a personality appearances won't cover the poor writing, poor comedic timing, and no resolution to the story of any kind. If there's anything positive are the actors are okay and unlike the abomination that was "Noobz" it does not offense anyone. Just your brain cells. Vamp U takes everything you could possibly hate from a comedy and mixes it with vampires to poor results. Vamp U is a giant f you to the audience expecting anything remotely watchable.