Hollywood Stole My Childhood

By Sean Nelson
For MSN Music

Hollywood, you have officially crossed the line. You have made lousy remakes and adaptations of many things I liked when I was younger -- I cite Michael Mann's miserable "Miami Vice," the inane "Fantastic Four" films, and Michael Bay's misbegotten "Transformers." Now, with "Land of the Lost," you have officially reached back into my youth and stolen my No. 1 favorite thing, the TV show I loved above all others, the centerpiece of my imagination. I know you're making fun of "Land of the Lost" even as you're exploiting it, and this will not stand. "Transformers 2" and "G.I. Joe" later this summer only seal the deal. And though I'm loath to admit it, I'm also more than a little sad to see that you've remade "Fame," too. So, before you go any further, Hollywood, I thought I would just take the reins and help you out. Here, then, is a list of four big-budget, high-concept movie versions you can make out of things I loved when I was young. These ideas can't be any worse than yours.

"Star Blazers"
Hot-blooded Derek Wildstar (Shia LaBeouf), his girlfriend Nova (Vanessa Hudgens), and their team of space soldiers cross the galaxy to reach the mysterious planet of Iscandar, whose queen Starsha (Hayden Panettiere) has promised to provide a cure for the global warming that threatens Earth. They are pursued by the nefarious CEO of Desslock Industries (Robert Pattinson), who manufactured the planet bombs that endangered our planet to begin with. Theme song performed by Green Day. Directed by Chris Columbus.

"Mary Poppins"
Miley Cyrus stars as the practically-perfect-in-every-way nanny and the Jonas Brothers are cast as the rascally kids who contrive to hire her. (In a coup, Dick Van Dyke's entire performance from the original film is digitally imported, cockney accent and all.) Mary is originally brought on as a voice coach/choreographer, but she also manages to show the boys that there's more to life than perfect pitch. In the end, the Brothers' father's private investment bank is saved from going under by the biggest benefit concert in British history. Directed by Marc Forster.

"Welcome Back, Kotter"
When aspiring stand-up comic/scholar Gabe Kotter (Dane Cook) returns to the Brooklyn high school of his youth to teach history, he finds he must connect with a crew of barely literate inner-city hipsters called the "Sweathogs" -- Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington (Lil Wayne), Arnold Horshack (Michael Cera), Vinnie Barbarino (Andy Samberg), Juan Epstein (Gael Garcia Bernal) -- and fend off the stern Vice Principal Woodman (Sir Ben Kingsley), who not-so-secretly wants them all to fail. Kotter tries out his stand-up material in class, and at home, with his young wife Julie (Maggie Gyllenhaal). In between teaching the Sweathogs valuable lessons about self-esteem and laughter, Kotter wins a spot on a comedy reality show, which allows America to see: A) how funny he is; B) what an uptight jerk Woodman is; and, best of all, C) how cool the Sweathogs are.

"H.R. Pufnstuf"
When teenage classical music prodigy Jimmy's turbo-powered CGI hydrofoil crash lands on a mysterious (and entirely digitally rendered) island, he is pursued by a sexy witch who wants to get her hands on Freddie, his magic talking flute, on which he is able to compose amazing symphonies -- with beats! Lucky for him, a hip, chilled-out, man-sized lizard comes to the rescue and helps Jimmy defend Freddie, while showing him that sometimes the most important thing in life is just to "chillax" and have a good time with your weirdo friends. Starring Matthew McConaughey as Puff, Freddie Highmore as Jimmy, Nicole Kidman as Witchiepoo, and Hilary Duff as the voice, and model for Freddie the flute. Directed by McG.

Follow the link to see the hilarious mock-up movie posters!