I really wanted to like Legend, I really did, & given that I'm such a… MoreI really wanted to like Legend, I really did, & given that I'm such a sucker for fairy tales I had high hopes for this. But what Legend has boasting in beautiful costumes & a phenomenal performance from Tim Curry in quite possibly the most badass looking demon costume ever doesn't make up for its generic fantasy plot & thinly written story.
Now, if Scott would have made the movie focus more on Darkness, change the story to something less cliche, & a more interesting set of characters then Legend could have been fantastic. Sadly the storyline drags to a bore, & its characters other than Darkness are completely uninteresting. The story isn't very captivating nor engaging, & is wasted on being generic while also focusing on a horribly executed love interest between two actors with no chemistry. The whole "darkness taking over light" plotline isn't very original at all.
Much praise goes to it's costumes & effects, as can be expected from Scott. But Darkness is one amazing costume, character & design overall, & Tim Curry once again proves his genius acting skills by dominating the role. It's very unfortunate that a character like this had very small screen time. I WISH the movie focused a lot more on him than anyone else.
It's not a bad movie overall, but it has a lot of noticeable flaws that could have been fixed. If anything I'd LOVE to see Ridley Scott remake this movie with a better story, bring back Tim Curry as Darkness (I really can't think of any other actor that could possibly do better), & more interesting ideas. In fact, it should be darker.
It takes someone with a mind of an absolute idiot to want to make this spinoff to an… MoreIt takes someone with a mind of an absolute idiot to want to make this spinoff to an already mediocre POS franchise from Pixar a franchise, because the stupidity & downright insulting nature of the Cars series weren't bad enough.
A "film" that is disgusting even by Adam Sandler standards. Seriously.… MoreA "film" that is disgusting even by Adam Sandler standards. Seriously.
This movie's existence is why terrorists hate us.
I cannot ever unsee what I watched. CANNOT. EVER. UNSEE.
I'll repeat, this is a disgusting film even by Adam Sandler standards (how I wish I was making that shit up). Instead of using the foul topics I'm about to discuss later below as a way to make them realistic (i.e. make them look how terrible they really are) this atrocity GLORIFIES them!
This is easily the most disgusting movie I have ever seen in my life. I kid you not. Not only disgusting, but it's also so mean-spirited, cruel, offensive, unrealistic, racist, & horribly scripted that I think I got cancer watching it. I seriously can't think of a film worse in quality than this. Yes, even my most hated bad quality films, Jonas Brothers the 3D Concert Experience, Epic movie, Grown Ups, Pulse, & House of the Dead are in questionable position right now if they are still worse than this!
It's the Chris-Chan of filmmaking!
If this is what comedy is turning into as of recently then not only is Comedy dead, but frankly so is the American population if this is what they consider entertainment. (we did get a Grown Ups 2 after all). One can't be more retarded than those who enjoyed this excrement of cinema, even if they were the special Olympics' worst participant. I'm normally against judging some by what they like (except my siblings of course), but watch this & tell me that they wouldn't deserve it. (Ok, maybe that "retarded" explanation was a bit too far but I'm sorry, it couldn't be helped with the pure wretchedness of this "film" spewed from Adam Sandler's ass).
But trust me, despite the wretchedness & pure awfulness of what I had previously said being the most obvious of its problems, it just doesn't end there. Believe it because it's true!
You guys have seen Prometheus, The Human Centipede, Bruno, & even Borat right (or at least one of those I assume)? Well, those films aren't even as icky or gross as That's My Boy. Again, I am not kidding you. This is easily the WORST Sandler film I have ever seen, as well as one of the worst films! I thought Zohan or Grown Ups were his worst films (and take note that I REFUSE to watch Jack & Jill, & Bucky Larson; I wish to avoid damaging my brain cells any further than this already did), but this film proved me wrong. Dead. Wrong. Up to now there is no doubt in my mind that Sandler is an absolute IRL troll who likes to spew the worst of the worst.
To call this sequence of moving pictures "Shit" is an insult to shit. The film doesn't even scrape the bottom of the barrel because it's far below that! The worms below the barrel cringe at this!
How bad is it? Well, if you haven't seen it, let me explain while also encouraging you to avoid this like the cancer it is:
Plot/Story: Let's start off with the plot/story (or lack thereof). Not once in this film do you get a more clear plot other than "Donny must find a way to get 42K from back taxes that he owes the IRS & he needs to leech it off his currently soon-to-be rich son". Now, if from just reading that "plot" summary doesn't give you an idea of how aggressively mean-spirited this trash is, then continue reading & be prepared to almost go "Ugh!" when you go further.
When it comes to story...sorry, I couldn't keep a straight face when I wrote that. This films lacks to put a story in itself, & it doesn't even bother to try.
Script: I'm going to make this as clear & straightforward as I can. If someone walked into my company & handed me the this script to this, I swear I would have called for security & had the writer sent to a therapist right after he gets a mandatory court order to head to a mental asylum.
I don't know how one can consider this a movie, let alone even get to produce it. Once again, the only logical answer as to how Sandler manages to get these atrocities made is because he most likely has some truly incriminating pictures of the people up in the companies that produces his excrement in film.
Apparently Sandler finds topics of statutory rape/child molestation, shock humor, poor parenting, obese strippers, pedophilia, incest, & harassing the less unfortunate comedy material. Srsly.
Here's what the whole movie is, so be prepared:
A young Donny Berger (Sandler) gets seduced by his hot-ass teacher (in which he happily complies with) whom he later gets it on with. As Donny & his half-witted teacher breed like rabbits, it is revealed that they were doing it while an entire assembly was being held. (Because it's very hard to hear someone speaking over a microphone behind curtains) Instead of being shocked, a good amount of the stadium roots Donny & finds the act between them both hilarious.
Ok, let me pause there & point out something I noticed about the whole statutory rape thing when it comes to films, or even real life. When it comes to gender & age-difference rape people are complete idiots. The world finds it hilarious when an under-aged boy bangs his adult female teacher, but when an adult male teacher does his under-aged female student, the young female is the victim, the male teacher is the criminal, & the whole world goes apeshit over it. But how is that any different from a female teacher molesting her male student? Before I continue on this subject let me make it clear that I am NOT trying to justify one act of rape by comparing it to another. No. In fact I'm trying to point out how it only takes a switch of sexes for people to get different reactions to them. A teacher-molesting their under-aged student regardless of their sex is not comedy, no matter the situation. Even South Park made that shit clear & you were able to find me laughing at that more than this.
Anyways, so the result of the act gets the teacher knocked up & sent to prison, while Donny becomes a huge celebrity for banging his hot teacher.
The baby gets left to Donny, whom he named "Han-Solo" Berger. Here's a really huge hole in the goddamn film; apparently there is not such thing as child services to rightfully take the baby away from a KID.
Not only does Donny become a celebrity at school, but also a celebrity in the media as well, because apparently banging your older teacher is something to really become famous over in Sandler's excrement of a mind. Moar "realism" for you.
So over the years Donny actually proves to be to worst parent in the world. (again, child services anyone?)
When Han turns 18 he leaves home, legally changes his name to Todd, & forgets his childhood. Like anyone with sanity would.
So now Donny is screwed over when the IRS contacts him saying that he needs to pay $42K within a short amount of time. And knowing how irresponsible & moronic Donny was as a youngster by blowing out his fame money on crap, you know a guy like him is definitely screwed. But he gets a chance to earn easy money when some moron gives him a shot at a reality show of Donny reuniting with his son & the teacher he banged (still in prison). Donny accepts this of course, but just for the money; he doesn't give a damn about actually trying to reunite with his son, mend their bond, & attempting to actually have a loving reunion with him & the teacher behind bars.
That further showcases how viciously mean-spirited this movie is. If that isn't enough for you then I don't know what more you'll need to read to tell you.
The remainder of the film consists of Sandler's character f-bombing around 4 times (minimum) every two minutes, making crude & sexual remarks to everyone in his atrocious Boston accent, & touching himself (which everyone but Todd is completely fine with). That's about it.
We then have Todd (Samberg) aka Han-Solo, a very squeamish, irritating, & completely pushed around character that is living a better life without his father. Todd moved away once he turned 18 because Donny was literally the worst father in the world, & legally changed his name. He ended up making Todd a diabetic.
Donny shows up completely uninvited & out of the blue to Todd's home looking like some washed up drunk that was thrown out of a band, meet's Todd's new family & his fiance Jamie (Meester); like that's every going to happen.
Now, here's another thing about all of Sandler's recent films: None of his pairings are ever realistic. Does anyone honestly believe that a character like Todd will ever have a shot at a character that looks like Meester? Really? Not just this, but we're also talking about Sandler & Hayek, Sandler & Holmes, & Swardson & Ricci. Would you ever buy these pairings? I sure wouldn't, ever. The ONLY actress any Sandler character has ever had any actual chemistry with, & looked really cute together was Sandler & Barrymore in 50 First Dates (one of the only 2 or 3 Sandler films I actually like).
So Donny quickly takes a liking to what he sees in the diner room & starts with his "Wazzaaaaahhh!!!" attitude, a beer in his hand, f-bombing the hell out of himself, & more sexual/gross remarks towards the women. And again, EVERYONE in the family is perfectly fine with that except for Todd. If any guy came into my house looking & spitting garbage out their mouth like Donny's character I would have called the damn cops. I cuss often & make some stupid jokes every now & then, but come on, I have standards, unlike this movie.
Whatever comes next of the film is to be expected from a crude Sandler film, nothing but shock humor, sexual remarks, aggressive racism at a particular race, hostility to the secondary wimpy character (Sanberg's character), & no story.
There is absolutely no jokes in this trash, & what it tries to sell as "jokes" is bodily fluids, masturbation, f-bombing, & molestation/incest. And again, the ENTIRE film is fine with it until the end.
The performances in this film aren't even that great either, except for Vanilla Ice who plays himself. But it saddens me that you have actors like him, Susan Sarandon (cameo), & James Caan stepping this low to make appearances in here. I'm guessing Sandler must have offered them one fat paycheck to be in here, because that's the only way you'd ever catch me in his cinematic atrocities.
I kid you not that the grandmother realizes Donny masturbates to her pictures & she's perfectly fine with it, & ends up actually getting into bed with him. Really. Really!
And we then have the fact that Donny is friends with this obese black stripper (Luenell), & said obese stripper has a daughter that works at the strip bar while she watches her own mom "work" & eat an omelet while on the pole.
The film manages to end to Donny's luck being hit, since the bet he made around the beginning of a movie on some lard ass actually managed to win a race, & this fat fuck was racing against OTHER TRACK RUNNERS THAT HAVE TRAINED THEMSELVES FOR THIS TRACK EVENT. If that isn't screaming unrealistic to you then I don't know what will.
And I repeat, this is Sandler's most unrealistic film to date. Other than the fact that Samberg has about as much a chance of getting with someone like Meester as this film does to be better than New Moon, everything else just sets the bar of realism on the worst scale. EVERYONE is fine with Donny's crude personality, all the guests can play baseball like professionals except for Todd (hell even a toddler does better), women (who are portrayed as bimbos who shu their traps & watch Donny's flopping dick) actually want Sandler's character, young Donny keeps the baby instead of being sent to child services, a fat fuck actually wins a race filled with trained track runners, incest is attempted to be justified in the film (like that'll ever happen), & a young boy that screwed his hot teacher can become a celebrity.
I seriously can't think of a film worse in sheer wretchedness than this. And anyone that seriously expects me to believe that That's My Boy is "still better than Twilight" is a bonafide retard! No excuse.
It's racist, it's gross, it's trash, it's incompetent, it's unrealistic, & any other negative word you can think of. Sandler also managed to involve gender stereotypes at their fullest: that men are all idiots who drink, think about sex all the time, & act like apes; while the women are nothing more than mindless bimbos that are meant to be seen as sexual objects to men while being perfectly fine with them doing the most asinine of things. And to think that it has the nerve to ruin perfectly good classic rock songs as background songs.
And you guys would be surprised how many people out there actually try to defend this "movie" with pitiful "It isn't trying to win Oscars" or "You guys took it too seriously" or "You need the right attitude for this" or even the types that go "You're all idiots who listen to "professional" critics reviews to trash it". To all of those people, That's My Boy is far too retarded to be taken anywhere near seriously. I don't watch movies to take them seriously because if I did I'd be liking movies like The Dark Knight (films created that take themselves too seriously for people who like films that take themselves too seriously whom also take themselves & reviews too seriously), & if there was anyone out there who took this movie way too seriously then they have problems. That's my Boy is an abortion of cinema, & I'm being generous calling it that. And when it comes to critics, I don't give two barnacles about those idiots & their reviews; if I based my thoughts on what they said then I'd be practically praising crap like Slither, Cars, & Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (the old one). Yes, I agree with this excrement in "film's" score...actually it deserves FAR LESS than what it has now, but just because I agree with that doesn't mean I'm automatically going to the critics' side.
Now, before you ask me "If you hate Sandler so much/didn't want to watch this movie then why did you go watch this?", let me answer you: I did NOT have interest in this excrement. At all. I was practically forced by my friends to sit through this. They ended up hating it too, but I still wanted to punch them all in the face for having me sit through this Sandler equivalent of Bruno. 2012 was a phenomenal year in film because we got The Hunger Games, ParaNorman, Prometheus, Breaking Dawn Part 2, Rock of Ages, The Cabin in the Woods, Sinister, Skyfall, The Avengers, Men in Black 3, Frankenweenie, Django Unchained, The Amazing Spiderman, Madagascar 3, & even The Woman in Black, but it could have been completely ruined for me by this one film, but thankfully the abundance of superior films that came out before it are great enough to make up for it. Not even Silent Hill Revelations was as bad as this.
To call this pig fecal matter a "comedy" is like calling The Haunting of Molly Hartley a "horror" movie.
If there's any reason for foreign countries to hate us more than they already do, That's My Boy is it.