| Movie | Rating | Review | Date | Your Rating | Match | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| District 9 - R | This is one of the more original films in the past decade. District 9 has a cheesy tone to it, but the amazingly unique plot and stunning special effects turn it into a campy, gory sci-fi classic. | November 30, 2009 | N/A | |||
| 2012 - PG-13 | November 30, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| The Proposal - PG-13 |
Your prototypical rom com: a man and woman at odds with one another get forced into an awkward situation and eventually fall in love. And there is a crazy old relative. The two things that shine in The Proposal is the chemistry between Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds, and the tiny washcloth Sandra Bullock has to cover herself with in one scene... do these things make the film worth watching? You decide. |
November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Meet Bill - R |
A middle-aged man in a suburban neighborhood starts to get bored with his life and the way people step on him; he even tolerates his wife cheating on him repeatedly. Soon, he befriends a young boy, begins exercising, smokes some weed, and realizes that he doesn't need this life. So begins American Beauty. ...I mean, Meet Bill. Why have Jessica Alba in your film if you only use her for 10 minutes? To get poor suckers such as myself to watch it. At least Elizabeth Banks doesn't disappoint. The relationship between Bill and his cheating wife seems too contrived to keep things moving. And the similarities to American Beauty are too great to ignore. But again, if you like Elizabeth Banks, WATCH THIS FILM. |
November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Where the Wild Things Are - PG | There are two types of people that will like this film: people that remember reading the book as a child, and 15-year-old emo kids. While Jonze does an excellent job capturing the imagery of Sendak, it just isn't possible to stretch the charm and flow of a 48-page book across 90 minutes. | November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Air Doll (Kûki ningyô) - Unrated | Japanese sex culture + Pinocchio = Air Doll. There aren't many more words that come close to describing this film. | November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Ai no mukidashi (Love Exposure) - Unrated | The most shocking thing about this 4-hour film isn't the run time. It is isn't the sparse, yet explicit violent and sexual imagery. And it isn't the biting commentary on Christianity. The most shocking thing about Love Exposure is the way the characters evolve. The story flows better and moves quicker than most 2-hour films out today. | November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Symbol (Shinboru) - Unrated | Silly. Just silly, all the way through. Hitoshi Matsumoto flashes brilliance and flexes his absurdist comedy muscle... until the end sequence, when the film gets all existential. | November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Kamogawa Horumo: Battle League in Kyoto - Unrated | Chiaki Kuriyama steals another one! Battle League Horumo is more character driven than you would like from such a quirky premise, and the set-up to the actual oni is better than seeing the battles themselves... but still, worth a casual look. | November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Kyûketsu Shôjo tai Shôjo Furanken (Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl) - G | These Japanese B-movies are starting to wear a little thin. The girls are cute, though. | November 9, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Citizen Kane - PG |
You may have heard on more than one occasion, on more than one Greatest Movies Ever Made list, that Citizen Kane is king of the mountain. Well, if it's not, it's pretty damn close. Citizen Kane is a story about the life of a newspaper mogul whose last dying word, "Rosebud", prompts an investigation into its meaning by a group of reporters. This sets off a recollection of his entire tragic life. Everything in this film is so obviously crafted with meticulous detail. The actors' movements are intertwined with the cinematography and lighting, creating beautifully framed shots from start to finish. The excellent writing and acting itself is allowed to shine through long, single-edit shots, and less integral montage sequences and transitional shots are edited with MTV-like precision. Even the sound is to great effect; used only when necessary. With all of his Gates-like financial successes and subsequent lavish spending habits, the underlying tragedy of Kane's character makes him relatable; the one thing his money can't buy is the one thing that makes him human. And though the mystery of Rosebud has long since been uncovered and spoiled, the artistry and presentation of the story unfolding before you will keep you fixed. Believe the hype. Citizen Kane is true art; it is filmmaking at its best. |
October 5, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Public Enemies - R |
Okay, right off the bat: why does the picture quality of Michael Mann films look so fucking cheap? Is he trying to make digital video the new media in which all Hollywood blockbusters will be shot? Is he trying to carve a niche, create his own innovative visual style? Because this visual style is not new at all. In fact, it can be seen every day, on cable access TV. All Juwanna Mann has succeeded in doing is making a visual mockery of an otherwise great film. Mann's unfortunate infatuation with Hi8 video cheapens the great performances and stunning work by everyone else involved in the making of this film. Dude spends millions on a movie only to make it look like a $20 Youtube clip. The camerawork and cinematography is typical voyeuristic shaky-hand Mann. That's not so bad. But the real killer is the picture quality itself. At times, the picture seriously looks like a DVD behind-the-scenes featurette. The night shots seem to be done with natural lighting, as the picture takes on a grainy, fuzzy orange tinge. Slow-motion shots create a shitty trail effect not unlike a 1980's-era music video. And it's not just the digital picture; it's the lighting. One shot, of Dillinger and his girl sitting on the beach at night, stands out in particular. There is obviously a man holding a floodlight right behind the camera. Obvious, because they sit in a perfectly round bright white circle on an otherwise pitch-black beach. Obvious, because at one point you SEE THE FUCKING CAMERAMAN'S SHADOW ON JOHNNY DEPP'S LEG. This cheap digital camera shit may have worked slightly better in Collateral; but only because watching actors through a video camera in modern-day L.A. is natural. But Public Enemies is in 1930's CHICAGO. Why the fuck do I feel like I'm watching John fucking Dillinger through a consumer-level Sony camcorder? Which is really too bad, as Johnny Depp turns in another great performance. I don't know what Michael Mann sees in this style of cinematography, but unless his next film is a commercial for Cash4Gold.com, he had better stop. He has stripped all of the dignity of a 4-star caliber movie down to leave a barely average shell of a film. |
October 5, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Zombieland - R | October 3, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| The Informant! - R | October 3, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Nine - PG-13 | October 3, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Adaptation - R |
The first two-thirds of Adaptation are genius. To write a script about a man writing a script, his compositions following parallel to the actions of the film; juggling and juxtaposing the stories of multiple main characters, making their pasts run concurrent with their presents... ...and then, the plot degrades into a soap opera complete with ridiculous plot twists (including a chase scene through a swamp) and a even more ridiculous so-so ending, snapping quickly back into the creative boundaries it spent two acts to break. |
September 13, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Black Narcissus - Unrated | The story lags a bit, and some of the edits are a bit spotty and distracting (the seemingly rushed re-cut of the climactic bell tower sequence reflects the conservative imagery of films in its day), but there are strokes of genius in the lighting and the acting performances. A slow, yet evil descent into madness is brilliantly framed by Powell and Presburger. | September 6, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Inglourious Basterds - R | Good cinematography, nice violence... but goddamn it, do the characters have to talk so fucking much!? | September 6, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Final Destination 3 - R |
The film opens with a beautifully shot opening sequence, giving you hope that this installment breaks the mold and increasingly stale formula of the previous two films. Nope. After the roller coaster crashes, turning forth once again the gears of fate, the film settles into it's usual who-will-die-next? mode, killing off ridiculous teenagers in ridiculous ways (nail gun, tanning salon bed) until there are no more main characters left alive. The silver lining here is Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who actually brings emotion to a 2-dimensional role. Fuck you, Ben Franklin. |
August 21, 2009 | N/A | |||
| G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra - PG-13 |
Thanks to the large amount of well-done action, G.I. Joe moves very quickly and doesn't feel like 2 hours; thankfully so, because there is nothing else in this film remotely capable of carrying it that long. The dialogue and acting are corny, and the acting is equally overdone. It seems that the filmmakers couldn't decide whether to gear the film towards the children of today, or the adults of today that actually enjoyed the cartoon as children. So, the movie unsuccessfully walks a line between grown-up violence and childish wackiness; trying to attract a new generation with Disney-esque cheese while whetting the appetite of an older fan base for more mature action. This is a cookie-cutter summer action blockbuster. Heavy on action, light on everything else. |
August 20, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Blood of the Samurai - Unrated |
"Writer-director" Aaron Yamakuso, you just set Hawai`i filmmaking back 50 years. You're having the BEST WEEK EVER!!! This is Aaron Yamakuso's first attempt at a feature film, and from the looks of it, he's well on his way to a wonderful career making burgers at McDonald's. Blood of the Samurai is the amazing true story of two guys who find samurai swords in the backseat of their car. And then the fun begins! ...Oh wait, no it doesn't! This is the worst movie in the world. I want to sue the size 14 pants off of Aaron Yamakuso for the two hours he stole from my life; time I could have spent on pulling my own wisdom teeth or scrubbing my toilet with nothing but my bare hands after eating 3 sloppy Joes during a stomach flu-- both activities being far more enjoyable than sitting there waiting impatiently for the end credits to come. I still don't know why I forced myself to sit through the whole thing. This "film" wasn't worth the Memorex DVD-R it was burned on. I thought long and hard about Blood of the Samurai-- definitely longer and harder than Yamakuso did-- and I honestly can't think of anything good to say about it. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Normally, I can at LEAST go, "the camera was pretty level in that shot". No such luck. I thought I was watching the end result of a group of blind 7-year-olds stealing their parents' Hi8 camcorder. This is by far the worst movie ever made. This movie is so thumbs-down, it couldn't even win a Razzie. It didn't even get nominated. But it DID win the audience award at the Hawaii International Film Festival. It helps when the audience is your mom and dad. Don't let this crowning achievement trick you into watching it; remember, even Meet The Spartans topped the box office its opening weekend. At the very beginning of the "film", before the turtle head pokes all the way out, there is a disclaimer telling you not to take the "film" too seriously (TRANSLATION: it's crap). Now, if a film actually has to TELL you this? Not a good sign. The disclaimer instructs you to talk loudly during the performance to add to the casual viewing experience (A.K.A. a piss-poor attempt to distract you from its colossal shittiness). So it's supposedly bad ON PURPOSE; however, if you should end up in Hell and/or Aaron Yamakuso's house and are forced to watch this coil of shit, you'll see that he is actually trying really hard to make an awesome flick. The actors attempt kick-ass dramatic performances comparable to Crimson Tide, but come closer to The Marine. The crap acting is just the tip of the shit-filled iceberg. The camera angles are all crooked and "extreme" (TRANSLATION: crap). The story is C-movie, at best. Yeah, you heard me right, the plot of Blood of the Samurai isn't even good enough to reach the obviously unattainable status of B-movie. The dialogue attempts to be dynamic and witty, but is shit like everything else. Rumor has it that a hard copy of the screenplay will actually attract flies. Plus, the techno score is annoying... not necessarily because it's techno, but because it's NON-STOP. That's right, the music plays in the background THE WHOLE TIME, acting as a droning, constant subliminal reminder of how bad this thing is. I don't care what the disclaimer claims, BOTS was not made this shitty on purpose, because it takes itself WAY too seriously for what it was: a joke. Picture this: "filmmaker" Aaron Yamakuso shoots the crap thinking he were Kurosawa reborn as the son of Tarantino. Then, upon viewing the footage on his iBook and being hit with the sudden realization that his grandparents lied to him (he actually does suck), he quickly adds the simple disclaimer at the beginning as if to validate the steaming pile he spent tens of dollars creating. ...Yes, this "film" is low-budget. But that is no excuse for its record-setting suck factor. Great films are born of substance, not budget. BOTS had neither. Allow me to further articulate the overwhelming power of this 90-minute waste of time: if I were having a three-way sesh with Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel in front of a TV and Blood of the Samurai came on, I'd be out of there quicker than Steven Seagal in Executive Decision. True story. If I had to choose between watching Blood of the Samurai again or getting my cock chopped off with a pair of nail clippers, I'd actually have to think about it. I know a guy from Hawai`i that got deployed to Iraq. While he was there, his mom sent him a care package including snacks, CDs and movies. One of the movies was Blood of the Samurai. He popped it in his DVD player, very excited and longing to get a little slice of home; being so far away, ANYTHING would do. 15 minutes later, he took it out and threw it away. Some say the disc is buried in the sand for some unlucky Iraqi to find, not unlike a land mine full of shit. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the campy, grindhouse style Troma-esque blood, guts and gore flicks. There are tons out there that are fun and enjoyable. But just like in any other genre, there are good ones and bad ones. BOTS is a bad one-- not just a bad one, but the worst one. In any genre. Ever. Undoubtedly, some people will try to defend the movie. Two, maybe three. They'll say, "it's so bad, it's good!" Those people are idiots. A movie is either good, or it's bad. There's no such thing as a good bad movie. But there ARE such things as idiots that like crappy movies, such as Meet The Spartans. "But there must be SOMEONE that can enjoy this film," you argue. Yes. Aaron Yamakuso. ...Okay, fine. If you like Uwe Boll, you'll LOVE Blood of the Samurai. But chances are, you don't like Uwe Boll. The suckfest runs about an hour and a half, which is about 90 minutes too long. The best thing about this "film" is the DVD cover, so next time you're near the Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin, take a look at it-- DON'T TOUCH IT, just look-- and quietly walk away. You're welcome. ...If you enjoyed watching Blood of the Samurai, you may also enjoy some of these pastimes: Eating Shit Getting Bubble Gum Stuck In Your Hair Being Hit By A Car |
August 4, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Dragonball Evolution - PG |
This is garbage. Whether you are a fan or not of the wildly successful and far better Japanese franchise, this movie is utter garbage. The only thing saving this film from total suckdom is its surprising CGI. Why wasn't Piccolo fully rendered? Why, instead, take Xerxes from 300 and slap the Blanka prosthetics from Street Fighter on him? The rest of the cast isn't much better, except for maybe Jamie Chung, who surprises with her half-decent performance-- but only because you don't expect anything good to come out of The Real World. The facial attributes of Justin Chatwin do remind me very slightly of his comic counterpart; sadly, Chatwin's acting reminds me very strongly of a piece of shit. I have some other questions. If Goku could sense the location of the Dragon Balls, as he did when searching in Master Roshi's house, why did he need Bulma? Also, what the fuck is Chow Yun-Fat doing in here? It's like John Rhys-Davies going from Lord of the Rings to In The Name Of The King. WHY?? So, if you ever have to choose between The Legend of Chun-Li and whatever this was, pick this. Otherwise, sit silently at the blank TV screen. It's just as entertaining. |
August 4, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Bakjwi (Thirst) - R | Classic Park, from the blood to the creative cinematography to the tortured characters that inhabit every universe he creates. | July 27, 2009 | N/A | |||
| The Final Destination - R | Director Steven de Souza really outdoes himself in this one. Not bad. I like the part when they die from the escalator. | July 20, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Oneechanbara: The Movie (Chanbara Beauty) - Unrated |
Oneechanbara is another low-budget Japanese hack/slash film. What sets it apart is its better-than-average fight sequences, and no heavy plot to weigh it down. This is what makes it great; it knows what it is-- a low-budget Japanese hack/slash film-- and strives to be nothing more. Proof? The main character is a hot girl in a bikini and cowboy hat wielding dual swords. And she fights zombies. Now go watch this. |
July 20, 2009 | N/A |
459 ratings
392 reviews
