| Movie | Rating | Review | Date | Your Rating | Match | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Angels & Demons - PG-13 | May 14, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Crank 2: High Voltage - R | May 13, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| 17 Again - PG-13 | May 13, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Star Trek - PG-13 | May 13, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| X-Men Origins - Wolverine - PG-13 | May 13, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Terminator Salvation - PG-13 | May 13, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Martyrs - R |
Jesus wept! If you've never seen "Hellbound: Hellraiser II" (or even if you have!) then "Martyrs" is likely to be the most brutal and horrific movie you've ever seen. Following in the tradition of other French horrors such as "Haute Tension", "Ils", and "A L'interieur", 'Martyrs" is tense, disturbing, violent, and somewhat ludicrous (if you think about it too much) yet absolutely sickening (and very entertaining) in ways that only true horror fans can fully appreciate. Yes, "Martyrs" does provide that horror "buzz" that we've all been chasing for years and is unlikely to disappoint anybody. It's half revenge story and half "Hostel" but with much better acting than any of Eli Roth's films contain and with considerably more realistic effects. In fact it's this realism that gives it the edge over most American movies in the same almost "torture porn" sub-genre. There's real drama here too and, for the most part, believable characters who you can actually empathise with without overlong introductions so to even start to think of it in the same vein as something like the "Saw" franchise would be a big mistake. In many ways, it's more like a logical progression from the more arty European films like "Salo" or "Calvaire" but follows the Aristotlean rule that "art is best when hidden". "Martyrs" will, by turns, shock you and give you something to think about which is both its strength and its weakness but more on that later. The practical effects and make-up are outstanding and there are no over-the-top CGI blood spurts like a lot of these gorefests have contained lately. There's nothing much here to break the "willing suspension of disbelief" although a certain scene involving a hastily dropped sandwich almost ruined it for me because I thought it was wasteful. It's funny how the little things like that can throw you right out of the story when you notice them and you will now too because I've just mentioned it. You'll find others along the way but hang in there as they are all "blink and you'll miss them" moments. For those who are less eagle-eyed, pedantic and geeky, there are lots of boobs and blood. Oh God, there's so much blood! There are slicings galore, scenes of extreme torture, body-shredding gunshots, and a denouement which will absolutely amaze you. The ending itself will fly over most people's heads though and cause a lot of internet searching for others who want to know and can't work it out. I admit that I went vainly in search of answers too as the one I'd made up in my own mind was the least likely to be correct. There's some kind of nihilistic philosphical message at the end of this which I just can't get my brain around. If you think you've seen everything with the "Saw" movies or "August Underground" then think again. Imagine any of those films with much better camerawork and without the grainy look and you'd only be a fraction of the way there. This is real cinematic stuff which, because it's never likely to be shown anywhere theatrically, really needs to be watched alone on the biggest widescreen TV that you have available even if it's just to see every facial expression of the lead actresses. Almost every shot is perfect and the actresses are beautiful even if they don't stay that way for very long. It's not a sexy film by any means though. This is all bleak, mean-spirited stuff but done so well that you just can't turn it off even though you know that you'll end up thinking about it for a long time after. There are very few films that I've enjoyed yet wished that I'd never watched and this is one of them. Yes, it's a paradox. Films like "Martyrs" leave a nasty taste in your mouth afterwards and make you wonder what the hell is wrong with the people who make them to begin with. That said, it does exactly what a horror film should do - it "horrifies". I can't criticise the makers for creating exactly the effect that I want from a film but I wish there had been a happier ending. Yes, I'm back to that ending again. In spite of all the shocks and gore, the ending is left to the viewer to interpret. I've encountered this before with such films as "The Univited Guest" and it really is annoying if you're used to having stories handed to you on a plate in Hollywood style. Some arty-farty people will see it as one of "Martyrs" strengths but from a purely entertainment point of view, I found it to be a major weakness. The catharsis that should have occurred is left to work itself out by gnawing away at the viewer long after the film has ended and that simply isn't a good way to do things. It leads to a great deal of dissatisfaction which, translated into normal viewing terms, would probably elicit a "That sucked!" response in 75% of cases. Maybe I'm wrong here though and people will get it or maybe I'm right and "Martyrs" will end up in the same pile as "Haute Tension" with comments like "Good film apart from the ending" attached to them for all eternity. It's not a polarising film by any means though so even if you don't "get" the ending, I don't suppose it'll matter. I didn't get it either but I still think "Martyrs" is one of the greatest horror movies ever made. For that reason, I recommend "Martyrs" to everyone. This is one of the best movies so far this century and more than makes up for the overhyped "Inside" and "Frontière(s)" which have caused so many message board arguments. Couple it with "The Girl Next Door" as a double feature and I guarantee you'll have nightmares for a while no matter how hardcore you think you are. |
May 3, 2009 | N/A | |||
| The Champ - Unrated | April 23, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Le Gout Des Autres (The Taste of Others) (It Takes All Kinds) - R | April 10, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| The Last House on the Left - R |
Like a lot of people, I have never been overly enthusiastic about Wes Craven's "Last House on the Left" (1972). I have it in my collection for completeness but it's not exactly brilliant, is very mean-spirited and is really quite embarrassingly bad compared to other movies from the same year. The funny thing about "Last House on the Left" was that, despite its awfulness, it was banned during the UK's "Video Nasty" purge in the '80s and remained that way for over 20 years. Although a few slightly censored versions came out, it was only this time last year (March 2008) before it was even legally available as a fully uncut DVD and a lot of people were very disappointed that its notoriety couldn't match up to its content. So it was obvious that something had to be done and Greek director Dennis Iliadis (previously known for directing "Hardcore" in 2004) obviously set out with good intentions to make a version of "Last House on the Left" which horror fans would actually like. With even more hype than the original ever received, everyone was onboard with this film and wanted it to be the most brutal, horrific thing that they had ever seen. But did Dennis Iliadis succeed where Wes Craven failed? Well, yes and no. To begin with, "The Last House on the Left" (2009) is not a scene by scene remake but with added gore. That would have been the easy way out and probably wouldn't have been any improvement. It's not a total re-imagining either because, as we all know, the likelihood was that the whole project would have turned into something as hated as Rob Zombie's "Halloween". Instead there are subtle storyline changes, slightly more likeable characters and a lot more realism. With quite a spiteful opening scene to highlight the nature of the villains, the rest of the characters are all introduced well and enough time is spent on them to get to know them but without creating a lot of empathy or overdoing it. There's room left for them to create their own exposition. While the Collingwood family still remain mostly two-dimensional, some subtext about a dead son, Ben, is brought in to flesh them out but it's never fully realised. It does provide a useful plot device later on and helps to explain a little bit of the motivation behind the way they interact with each other and the gang/family of criminals but I wanted to know more about their previous tragedy and it just wasn't there. This was a lot different to the beginning of the original "Last House on the Left" though and at least showed an attempt to subtley create a more credible flow to the story. More important changes occur with the rape scene. It's one of the nastiest rapes that I've ever seen on screen and is definitely up there with "I Spit on Your Grave" (which is also due to be remade this year). Having said that, its realism is somehow marred by being a lot less graphic and it's all over a lot more quickly than you'd expect. It's probably the building tension and the absolutely inescapable certainty of what is going to happen that makes it all seem a lot worse than it is and Sara Paxton (as Mari Collingwood) is very convincing. What makes it different to Wes Craven's version though is the final outcome of the victim and how it effects the rest of the story. Without giving too much away, this obviously changes the motivation of her parents later from purely revenge to a need to protect and survive at all costs. That was a nice touch. The parents are played by Monica Potter (as Emma) and Tony Goldwyn (as John). If they look familiar to you it's because, like the rest of the cast, they have both done a lot of TV work. The irony of the actor who played a modern day Jesus in the film "Joshua" (2002) now killing the bad guys was not wasted on me. Similarly, Garret Dillahunt (as the psychotic Krug) is better known recently for playing the robotic Cromartie in "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles". Once you start to identify any actor with a previous role it spoils the "willing suspension of disbelief" and no amount of make-up or beard-growing is going to change that even though I must admit that even I didn't immediately recognise any of them. Garret Dillahunt is a lot colder in the role than David Hess but unfortunately doesn't come across as at all scary when compared to his lecherous brother Francis (played by Aaron Paul). Spencer Treat Clark (as Krug's son Justin) was the one who gave the best performance in the film perhaps because he is the least recognisable and can be judged more on his own merits. One fake recognition for me was with Riki Lindhome who played the evil Sadie and was the only one of the beautiful girls in the film to get her boobs out. From certain angles she looks just like Juliet Landau from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" but, amusingly for me once I'd found out my mistake, she played a completely different character in Joss Whedon's series. She's absolutely gorgeous though and has a great topless fight scene near the end which is almost worth buying the eventual DVD for just to keep repeating it. The practical effects, camerawork, music and overall production values are very good. The only major problems with "The Last House on the Left" which stopped it from being a lot better than the original are the average dialogue and the lack of satisfying kills when it comes to the gang of criminals getting their cummuppance. Here's where I spoil it all for you (although the trailer already does that quite well too). The first death is overlong, the second too short and the final one involving a broken microwave is simply ludicrous. The placement of this scene also leaves a lot to be desired. Whereas the rest of the movie was nicely paced, the whole "revenge" section is rushed in comparison and the disjointed ending seems tacked on. I didn't get any satisfaction out of it and just felt absolutely nothing at all. In fact, the ending of "The Last House on the Left" simply nullified the rest of the movie and the little bit of enjoyment that I was getting. The only reason that I can think of for it being that way is that the director first wanted a happy ending and then wanted it to end with a bang but couldn't think of how to put the two together. Whatever Dennis Iliadis' choices were, he was doing well until he eventually made the wrong one and killed any chance of this film being memorable. It's a shame. "The Last House on the Left" is better than the original in many ways but just as bad in others. |
March 27, 2009 | N/A | |||
| The Kovak Box - R | March 7, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| The Uninvited - PG-13 | February 9, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Max Payne - PG-13 | January 29, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Sleuth - R | January 29, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Underworld: The Rise of the Lycans - R |
I just don't get it. What is the younger generation's fascination with these Underworld movies? Is it because they have about as much emotion as a bad X-box game or is it just all the hype that surrounds each release? To me, the first two Underworld movies were like watching blue and black paint dry and this prequel, rather than sequel, was no better. I've seen some reviews where people have said that "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" is like a vampire and werewolf version of "Spartacus". Bullshit! Although there is a definite homage to some scenes in "Spartacus" (and a ton of prison based movies ever since) there's simply no comparison between this vapid mess and an Oscar-winning epic full of cinematic excellence. At its best, "Rise of the Lycans" is yet another "Romeo and Juliet" based fantasy but with more bloodshed and action than usual. At its worst, it's just more blandness with wooden acting, pitiful characterisation and hardly any plot. Now I'm sure that there will be people that think I'm writing this out of some kind of spitefulness because uber hot Kate Beckinsale wasn't in it and there will be others that think that I've become too old to enjoy these fantasy rather than horror movies for what they are. To that I say, if a movie stinks then it will for any age group whether it has a PG, PG-13 or an R rating on it. I can't even believe that "Rise of the Lycans" got an R rating either because apart from a few over-the-top blood spatters and beheadings, there was nothing much worse in this computer generated crap than you'd see in the remake of "King Kong". Ok, there's bit of sexiness at one point where you don't get to see anything and Viktor the vampire could be made out to be shit-yer-pants scary if you're about five years old but an R rating for this? Do me a favour. The praise for "Rise of the Lycans" that I've seen around the net has all usually included the words, "not as bad as I thought it was going to be" and then goes on to enthuse over Rhona Mitra being no worse than Kate Beckinsale and Michael Sheen being sexier than Scott Speedman. What the hell? It was definitely as bad as I thought it was going to be and the only reason Rhona Mitra is no worse than Kate Beckinsale is because neither of them can act worth a shit in the first place. As for Welshman Michael Sheen yelling a lot and bulging his eyes out in pain or constipation every time he got chance to show his manly chest off, well, I'll leave that for the girls to decide about. His acting was textbook action hero stuff which makes Jean Claude Van Damme look like a Shakespearian in comparison. Apart from the deep-voiced "James Earl Jones" soundalike Kevin Grevioux everyone in the film appeared to be British and delivered their lines loudly and mechanically to the point of embarrassment. Yes, I get it, they are vampires and supposed to be cold and emotionless but, even so, this was cringeworthy stuff especially for Bill Nighy with his scary blue contact lenses. It just felt to me as if, once the actors got their costumes on, that was all that they thought was required to carry the parts. There's no chemistry between anybody, no empathy evoked by any of the characters and it's all just a matter of waiting for the special effects to try and deliver something. Unfortunately even the practical effects look fake and the CG werewolf battles make it even worse. Once again, the film suffered from the "quick cut/handheld cams" combination that makes knowing who is doing what to who pretty much impossible. I don't think I've seen much worse since "AVP 2" but just about all the action movies lately have been full of this nonsense and it needs to be stopped right now! Lots of clanging, growling and grunting were added almost haphazardly to the mix to make it exciting but it just got on my nerves. At least the audio kept me awake though because everything else was so boring. I honestly can't recommend "Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" to anybody sane or over the age of six as its just not involving enough to be entertaining. Yes, it's all very blue and everyone looks really pale so it's probably a must see for Delft pottery collectors the world over but, for a horror fan, no. |
January 27, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Beyond Re-Animator - R |
This is yet another one of those films that I put off watching for ages because I had the suspicion that it was going to be crap. I didn't watch it when it first came out as a straight-to-DVD release in 2003 and tried my hardest (albeit mostly unsuccessfully) to avoid it when it was shown on TV horror channels ever since. I really didn't want to ruin the happy mid-80s' memories I had of Stuart Gordon's "Re-animator". But, you know how it is, you get bored and eventually spend an hour peeling the security tape off the DVD case and, before you know where you are, the damned thing has somehow got into the player and you're watching it. That's my excuse anyway and has nothing to do with the fact that I got the DVD for $2 from a certain auction site. It's now been 18 years since Brian Yuzna took over helming with "Bride of Re-animator" and that was hardly a good film either although, with hinesight, it is a lot better than this. Fabiana Udenio really had more to do with making that film memorable than anything else for me as it really added nothing new. 13 years on from "Bride of Re-animator" Brian Yuzna went the comedy route with "Beyond Re-animator" which doesn't bode well for next year's planned "House of Re-animator" either. I can't quite put my finger on why but "Beyond Re-animator" just failed to deliver. Although obviously low-budget, it was a good story, had reasonable amounts of gore, good actors and sexy actresses (especially Elsa Pataky), but it just had the wrong pace and tried hard for humour when it should have gone for scares. Oh and it's a Spanish production so there are a lot of unknown Spanish actors in it in case anyone wondered. That doesn't always doom a movie to failure but I have noticed a trend... which reminds me to stick to Pedro Almodóvar rather than Jess Franco in future too. The story is much the same as the other two in the series. Dr Herbert West is still re-animating bodies albeit now from inside a prison where of course he is encarcerated. A new prison doctor arrives who turns out to be a kid who saw the results of Dr West's experiments when one of them killed his sister. Then a reporter turns up who looks just like the boy's sister and there is a love affair thing going on just to bulk out the plot. The reporter turns out to be more interested in "the experiments" than her original prison story and ends up getting more than she bargained for when she is predictably killed by the evil warden and then re-animated herself. That's not much of a spoiler as all this pretty much occurs within the first ten minutes. The new spin on things in this movie is that Herbert has now discovered how to harness the "nanoplasma" which leaves the body at death and is responsible for human consciousness. Thus begins a lot of body swapping nonsense, first with a couple of rats and then between different people. I kept losing interest when all the quirky prisoners were doing their thing and I lost it even more when I realised that I really wasn't going to see Elsa Pataky (also in "Snakes on a Plane") get totally naked. There is a minor sex scene and one shot of her squashed boob but it was down to the also attractive Raquel Gribler to get hers out instead. And glorious they were too! You'll remember them for a long time, trust me on this. A more amusing scene worth mentioning involves a re-animated, dismembered dinkle fighting a rat. It soon stopped being amusing though it must have pleased the director because it also continued throughout the end credits. It wasn't that funny. So, apart from Elsa Pataky, there really weren't any great things to mention about this film. Jeffrey Combs does his usual performance but is just too much of a nice guy to instill anything really sinister into the mix... well, that's if you can call his role as Herbert West, a man who re-animates dead bodies, a nice guy! He's certainly more sociable this time round but you know he's still obsessed. The ending left the way open for the possible fourth film in the series which I hope doesn't actually come to anything. I really think it's time to give up on this story now. I can't see it going anywhere else except further and further down in quality and it's a shame because the original "Re-animator" was an absolute genre classic. Final verdict: Watch it if you want to but don't expect miracles. Herbert West himself could not raise this movie from the dead. |
January 27, 2009 | N/A | |||
| My Bloody Valentine 3-D - R | January 25, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Unholy Reunion - Unrated |
When I first thought about reviewing this slasher, I wondered how I could turn the words "complete and utter crap" into something more meaningful. Every film has its merits so perhaps those four words wouldn't be entirely accurate even though that was the overall impression that I got from watching the screener. I'll start off by giving some kudos to the first time director, Ric McCloud, for having no less than 5 credits on IMDB for this film. He not only directed, produced, wrote, and edited the thing but was also a stunt driver in it. Also, since he managed to involve nearly the entire state of Minnesota somehow, I have to mention that you will probably never see such a huge list of credits for family members and friends who all helped out on the movie as you will find at the end of this one. But having given him his props (as you hip Americans say), "Unholy Reunion" is simply not a good film. I wanted to like it but it was so very amateur that I just couldn't get past the bad acting of the leads, poor dialogue, ridiculous (yet amusing) fight scenes and general awfulness of it all. Since two actresses that I've known for a long time were involved in this, Nicola Blessing and Rachel Grubb, I was hoping to heap lots of praise on them for their performances but, even though it's likely to put my friendship with them in jeopardy, I really can't. Rachel Grubb gets most of the mentions across the internet for "Unholy Reunion" even though she only has a very small role at the beginning. It's not a bad role and she doesn't do a bad job at all considering what she had to work with but I have to say that if she hadn't got her norks out then her part would be quite forgettable. Yes, I watched this because I wanted to see her boobies too. Is that such a bad thing? No, she's a lovely girl with a Bettie Page haircut who just happens to have some nice orbs. I can't fault her there at all. Nicole Blessing, on the other hand, who has a much bigger part as drug-dealer Liz really doesn't do very well at all until the end. It's a big waste of her talent to get caught up in projects like this and, unfortunately, she doesn't get her bunny rabbits' noses out to make her performance memorable at all. I did like how she looked and the fight scene where she knocked out the female psycho played by Jessica S. Lange (not THE Jessica Lange obviously) but she didn't even get a chance to really act until the end. It's not just her though but everyone involved seems to get a bit better as the film goes on. If you based any opinion on the performances in the first 20 minutes or so of the film then you'd probably dismiss the whole lot as a pile of crap and hope to never see any of these people work again. Yes, that is harsh but the "party scene" with its terrible dialogue and poor camerawork is even worse than watching "Cloverfield" and that's saying something. Actually there's probably nothing much worse than watching Phil Berbig (as the psycho Adkov Telmig) since he really has no real menace to him and doesn't come over very psychotic at all. Flawed writing or miscasting a nice guy who can't act into the role of the villain? I'm still not sure. That's really the trouble with all these ultra low-budget independents though as people tend to rely on family, friends and acquaintances to fill the parts. Sometimes a filmmaker gets lucky and a few talented individuals stand out but unfortunately nobody stands out in a good way in "Unholy Reunion" apart from Shannon McDonough (as Vicky) who does look genuinely frightened during the denouement. The only saving grace of the whole film is not blonde Jessica S. Lange's very predictable twist from becoming the nice Rebecca Davis into a crazy version as I really couldn't tell the difference but Jarrod Crook's performance as Scott (her kung-fu loving boyfriend). The fight scenes were so well choreographed that you just have to marvel at Jarrod's energy even if they are somewhat ridiculous. They aren't exciting as such but are well done and you can see the work that went into them. Other than that I can't recommend "Unholy Reunion" to anyone. It's not just that I don't like these handycam-filmed, glorified YouTube videos in general but also that this one is a particular stinker. The only memory that I'll take away from watching "Unholy Reunion" is how all the actors stared into space for about 2 minutes after their characters were killed to make it look as if they were dead. It worked the first time but after that it just became boring and made me want to sit and stare into space myself rather than watching the rest of this film. |
January 22, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Ghost of Frankenstein - Unrated | January 20, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Les Visiteurs (The Visitors ) - R | January 18, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Les Cauchemars naissent la nuit (Nightmares Come at Night) - Unrated |
"Les cauchemars naissent la nuit" is yet another one of Jess Franco's least known and even lesser rated movies and for good reason too. It's awful! I couldn't make head nor tail of what was supposed to be going on and could barely stay awake throughout the whole pointless experience. Supposedly this was a "lost" movie that was only rediscovered recently and hacked back together again. In my opinion, it should have stayed lost as there is very little entertainment to be had from it at all. It certainly hasn't been restored much as the quality was terrible and the dubbing even worse. I watched the "Hardgore" Region 2 DVD version but I'm told that there is another original French language version with subtitles also available. I really don't think it would make a lot of difference though because the movie would drag in any language and probably still look as if the camera lens was covered in vaseline. It was all just too slow and too uninvolving. I can easily admit that the three women in the film are gorgeous as, I'm told, is Jess (or Jesus) Franco's trademark but HorrorNews.net's Dai is much better looking than all of them put together. Yeah, that would be a three-headed, twelve-limbed monster of course if you really want to get pedantic. You know what I mean. They are all ok to look at in small doses but the nudity just becomes samey after a while even though when you first see Diana Lorys (who plays Anna) you can't help yourself from just wanting to look and look. I didn't really like the blonde Colette Giacobine all that much either on an acting level or nude. I can't exactly put my finger on it (well, not on what you are thinking I want to finger anyway) but she wasn't right for the part of a character who supposedly has a kind of hypnotic control over others. She's not bad to look at at all but she's just sort of awkward and amateur somehow compared to Diana Lorys. This may be more evident in the French language version but even with dubbing you can tell how the two don't exactly gel or have any chemistry between them. The third girl who a lot is made of on the DVD extras and the sleeve itself is Soledad Miranda (as Susan Korda according to the credits). She was also Lucy Westenra in Jess Franco's Spanish version of "Count Dracula" starring Christopher Lee. I wouldn't say that she's wasted in her two or three minutes of onscreen time here but what seems like a subplot (until the end when everything is revealed) could just as easily be cut out and nobody would even notice. The only reason it even exists is to finally show a heterosexual sex scene which gets interrupted in the worst way possible and to give both Soledad Miranda and Jack Taylor (as her boyfriend) a couple of cameos. Neither of them even get given character names. The trouble with the nudity and eroticism in "Nightmares Come at Night" (the UK title) is that it doesn't have any real climax to it. There's a lesbian love scene with a lot of out of focus fades in and out which is beyond annoying and several other even more fake sex scenes later but none of them really make you want to bash one out while viewing. Even for 70s exploitation cinema this is all very poor. Perhaps the only saving grace of the whole movie is Paul Muller's role as some kind of doctor. I'm not sure if he is supposed to be a psychiatrist or just a G.P. but either way he is a lot more to do with the plot than you'd first imagine. From his first moments on screen where he is tormenting birds in a cage, you just know that Dr Paul Lucas isn't all he seems and the performance is one of the better ones since everyone else is so wooden. "Nightmares Come at Night" is a badly-paced and confusing mess at best. At its worst, it's a dull as ditchwater 70s hack job with T & A all over it. There's some fake blood at the start, very little on screen violence afterwards and nothing very horrific or scary about any of it. It's more of a thriller than a horror film and so even including it on the "Hard Gore" label is very deceptive and misleading. There's nothing in this to give you "Nightmares" apart from the thought of ever watching another Jess Franco movie again. |
January 15, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Killer Barbys - Unrated |
Yes, that is the correct spelling of the title even though the band featured in the movie is named "Killer Barbies" just like the famous dolls. Being English, I have the UK version of this movie which I bought from Poundland (a lot like Dollar Tree) a couple of years ago for the princely sum of, yes, you've guessed it - £1. It's just known as "Killer Barbys" everywhere else for obvious reasons. Now, knowing my taste in movies as you may or may not yet do, you'd expect me to absolutely hate this lesser valued Jess Franco effort with a passion usually only spent vilifying Hollywood remakes. But you'd be wrong. I thoroughly enjoyed it! Perhaps the main reason I liked it was because of all the boobs and blood. Yeah, baby, I like those. I also liked it because it reminded me of yet another "bad movie" from 1985 called "Der Formel Eins Film" ("Feel the Motion"). How can that be when "Killer Barbys" is a vampire horror movie and "Feel the Motion" is just a load of Europop bands performing amidst a weak storyline? Well, the truth is, "Killer Barbys" is just a vehicle for promoting the Spanish rock band of the title amidst a weak and cheesy storyline too. Now, using an unknown (to the rest of the world) mid-90s rock band who all travel in the same van and have sex with each other as the focus of a movie may seem like wishful thinking on the part of "Scooby Doo" lovers everywhere. Well, it certainly was for me. But more than that, even in spite of poor dubbing and dialogue, I really liked the characters. We're not talking about something of quality like "The Monkees", "The Beatles" or even "Cliff Richard" with this little adventure though as none of them could act their way out of a wet paper bag. I could however see a great parody of "Summer Holiday" here as, in many ways, it was just as if Cliff and the gang somehow took a very wrong turn and ended up in Transylvania. The Killer Barbies unfortunately do not actually end up in Transylvania either. They are very much in Spain all the way through but it's always nice to see a bit of Europe that you haven't seen before. The camerawork is generally pretty good and things don't look too low budget even though they obviously were. It's really only some of the poorer practical effects that let it down but there's nothing too noticeable apart from a couple of really fake bodies and heads. Which brings me back to the nudity. Heads? Nudity? You will see my reasoning when you learn that the vampire Countess who the band encounters when their van breaks down exists on a diet of blood and semen. Oh yes and there's an oral sex scene too just before to make sure I complete the segue. Mariangela Giordano plays the Countess with a great deal of sexual allure considering that she is the least attractive of the three female leads and is actually 59 years old! Seeing her naked isn't actually the horror you might expect from a woman her age which has me feeling a bit ill for some reason. Silvia Superstar who plays the lead singer Flavia also spends a bit of time nude and is one of the better looking women I've seen in any Spanish movie so I'm sure she'd be rated as the most attractive by a lot of viewers. The one who did it for me though was Angie Barea. She plays the overly horny blonde backup singer and is hot as hell! Trivia fans will love that she used to host a sex programme on Spanish TV too. Obviously she was typecast. There's very little for straight females to enjoy here unless they like seeing a hairy willy in a bath. Now there was horror for me as I certainly didn't expect to see one of those half way through the film! I wouldn't say all the males in the film are ugly or anything but they are quite plain in comparison to the women. There are even a couple of dwarves in it but they don't do much at all really which is a shame. The big question is should this even count as a horror movie? Hell yeah! I even got into the story though it's certainly nothing original. Is it scary? Hell no! It's not scary at all unless women of nearly pension age rubbing blood all over themselves is a phobia of yours. Actually it might be one of mine now even though it turned me on! If you are feeling a bit down and there's nothing else to watch then I can thoroughly recommend "Vampire Killer Barbys". It's worth the conversion rate of $1.50 of anybody's money but if you can't find it to buy then I suggest a rental. As "bad movies" go, it isn't actually that bad at all. |
January 14, 2009 | N/A | |||
| The Legend of Hell House - PG |
For those of you who are familiar with Robert Wise's "The Haunting", it will be no surprise for you to learn that "The Legend of Hell House" was little more than a 70s remake of the same story. Even the title was similar to Shirley Jackson's "The Haunting of Hill House" (which of course was the novel that "The Haunting" was based on). Some might call it plagiarism but I'd rather think of "The Legend of Hell House" as writer Richard Matheson's homage to a work of fiction which has inspired every director of a ghostie film ever since. In this case, director John Hough, who is better known for his TV work and Hammer's "Twins of Evil" (1971), set the story during the week before Christmas in a fog enshrouded Blenheim Palace. No New England "Hill House" here but the birthplace of former Prime Minister Winston Churchill no less. Changing the location was largely due to APC moving the whole production to England hence also the cast of British actors rather than Americans. Yes, Roddy McDowell, who plays psychic Benjamin Fischer, was British in spite of being a staple of American TV for over three decades. Interestingly, the other psychic played by the gorgeous Pamela Franklin was actually born in Japan, Clive Revill was a New Zealander and Gayle Hunnicutt was born in Texas. Even Michael Gough who goes uncredited as Ernest Balasco was born in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. It's funny what you find from a bit of Googling when writing a review. Perhaps this movie isn't quite so full of British actors after all. One thing "The Legend of Hell House" is full of, though, is atmosphere. It's so intense that you could almost cut it with a knife although at just over an hour and a half long the claustrophobia of the apparent five room set does tend to get a little bit wearying after a while. Every ghost story cliché is used but this was before we even started to think of them as clichés. For the most part, it's all very original in spite of the aforementioned homage to "The Haunting". There's hardly any gore in this apart from one important scene featuring Pamela Franklin but there are a couple of sexy moments. Gayle Hunnicutt's attempted seduction of Roddy McDowell is the most memorable for me but, without spoiling it for anyone, Pamela Franklin is the real star of the naughty bits here. Just think along the same lines as "The Entity" and you'll figure out exactly what happens to her in this film. Possession and psychic abilities play a much bigger part in the story than I would have liked especially if you try to think of this as a true haunted house genre movie. The ending really felt like a bit of a letdown considering Roddy's speech about all the horrors (including rape, torture, and even cannibalism) which supposedly occurred in the house during its former occupancy. Like most films of this time a lot more is implied than actually occurs on screen so you just have to use your imagination and dig Roddy McDowell's performance instead. All the acting is first class in fact with the characters being a lot less annoying and dated than the ones in "The Haunting". Clive Revill as scientist Lionel Barrett was overly stubborn to the extent that he almost became another Dr Frankenstein with his ardour to prove his techniques correct (with similarly disastrous consequences). The use of his machine to rid the house of ghosts, of course, became an important part of "Ghostbusters" later on and the science versus the supernatural theme is always an important part of any haunted house movie anyway. There'll always be a sceptic, a psychic, a control and a scientist in any of these stories. You can almost, but not quite, swap any of the characters for the ones in Stephen King's "Rose Red" too to see how much "The Legend of Hell House" has had an influence. I expect you all want to know if it's actually scary or not. Well, depending on the age at which you first see it, it is definitely scary. Only "The Others" comes any way close to the same scariness for a modern audience although really that movie has more in common with "The Innocents" than anything here. Some scenes work better than others including the jump scares and twists. The ones which don't work usually involve Gayle Hunnicutt to some extent but it's more the fault of the dialogue than anything else. I also found Roddy McDowell to be a rather odd choice for a hero but I really couldn't see anyone else capable of filling that role either. "The Legend of Hell House" is all very tense more than anything else (and a little bit too wordy rather than graphic) but it's still one of the best haunted house movies ever made. |
January 14, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Quantum of Solace - PG-13 | January 5, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - The Movie - G | January 2, 2009 | N/A |
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