| Movie | Rating | Review | Date | Your Rating | Match | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Inside - Unrated |
When I went in search of "Inside" to rent, I actually ended up with the wrong thing first of all. Obviously this one wasn't in French nor did it feature pregnant bellies anywhere. For some reason the video stores round here have replaced the copies of "À l'interieur" with this one. Wal-mart have also withdrawn the latter due to complaints (probably from other people saying it was crap rather than any other form of disgust at the contents). But, anyway, I enjoyed this version of "Inside". It was sort of a teenage version of "Misery" and Cheryl White played a real psycho-bitch-mother from hell. I really can't tell you any more without spoiling it for you because it's a very simple plot which deals with bereavement, guilt and insanity but in a slightly different way to usual. All the acting was really good, it was shot well and the story kept me interested right up until the end. There was even some blood in it. It's probably only another 5 out of 10 but it's very much in the same vein as all the only slow paced quirky indies out there. If you liked "The Invisible" or "Teeth", I think you'd all enjoy this one too. |
June 18, 2008 | N/A | |||
| The Incredible Hulk - PG-13 |
Although I do actually recommend that you all go and see "The Incredible Hulk", there are just a few annoyances about the film that I have to share. Firstly, the CGI. Now I know that it would be pretty difficult to create the Hulk any other way but this was really very bad indeed. In the shorter bursts the animation doesn't distract too much. It still doesn't look real but it is almost acceptable. However, in the longer action scenes, it all just looks like a computer game which spoils it. Secondly, Tim Roth's character is absolutely ludicrous. Not only is he much too short to be a soldier (especially in comparison to the giant-like William Hurt) but he tends to lurch from side to side when he walks which also doesn't gel with any military training that I can think of. He was totally miscast and his performance was just embarrassing. On the other hand, even though he really looks his age (40) at times, Edward Norton does a great job as Bruce Banner. He'll never be as good as the late Bill Bixby but having a top notch actor in something like this really makes a difference. It may cause a bit of a stretch of the old "willing suspension of disbelief" that he could actually get Liv Tyler as a girlfriend but she's no spring chicken now either so I think their onscreen chemistry works for the most part. One thing that bugged me a lot though was the way that the initial "accident" that caused Dr Bruce Banner to become the Hulk was just rushed through during the opening credits. The same thing happened with the Iron Man movie in that the bits you want to see are left out with the assumption that everybody already knows the story. I think it was probably done to give the audience time to warm to Edward Norton and to save our first negative impressions of the Hulk CGI monstrosity until later. It almost worked so I suppose I should grudgingly give credit where it is due for not showing "the monster" too early. The best thing about "The Incredible Hulk" is that it is 100 times better than Ang Lee's 2003 version. You can pretty much forget that it even exists now. There are frequent nods in this to the classic TV series which is really how it should have been done in the first place. Bill Bixby gets shown briefly on a TV screen and, apart from voicing the Hulk, Lou Ferrigno also plays a pizza-loving security guard for a minute or two. Even the haunting theme music that we of a certain generation all know and love is included. Stan Lee has a cameo just to make sure that we all know that this is an official Marvel update and the ending with Robert Downey, Jr., as Stark promises yet another entry into the canon later on. It will be interesting to see how the new Captain America film turns out before they launch into a full-blown "Avengers" series though. |
June 17, 2008 | N/A | |||
| The Happening - R |
"The Happening" is a simple film with a simple plot: mankind has ruined the planet so much that plants now see us as the enemy and are giving us a warning that if we don't stop then they can (and will) wipe us all out. The plants are releasing a neuro-toxin into the air which causes people to kill themselves rather than each other (which is a bit different to most plague-based horror films). In some ways it was similar to the vignettes in James Herbert's "The Fog". I enjoyed it for what it was. It wasn't horror just science-fiction with an over the top "green" message. But it was no worse than an extended "Twilight Zone" episode and reminded me a lot of the "Quatermass" TV series from the late 70s. Just replace John Mills with the much tamer Mark Wahlberg and you pretty much have the same thing, Zooey Deschanel (Emily "Bones" Deschanel's sister) was really beautiful in it and it was nice to see John Leguizamo and his deformed grinny-gog mouth committing suicide too. I wouldn't buy "The Happening" on DVD when it comes out because I'm not much of an M. Night Shyamalan fan anyway but it was certainly a lot better than "Lady in the Water". People are bitching about this film all over the internet. I think it's just become trendy to bash M. Night Shyamalan's films now. The only negative thing I'll say about it is that if it was meant to be a horror film then it really needed some more gory deaths. As a teenage friendly sci-fi flick with a blatant environmental message I think it succeeded even if it was a bit slow overall. |
June 15, 2008 | N/A | |||
| The Strangers - R |
Just a poor man's version of "Ils" mixed with "The Devil's Rejects" plus proof, if any was needed, that Liv Tyler's face only has one expression no matter what situation she is in. It's one cliché after another, lots of predictable jump scares (of which only the first one actually has any value), and it was just awful. I didn't care about the two main characters or what happened to them whatsoever. Apart from several continuity errors (the biggest being the holes in the front door), everything was telegraphed so far in advance that the jump scares just fell flat and, because they were mostly based on loud sounds, it soon got annoying rather than frightening. That again was the biggest problem, it just wasn't scary. I didn't find it very realistic either. The only credit I can give it is that the couple started out by not being the typical weaklings that usually get menaced in this kind of "home invasion" setup. But then they just got stupider and stupider and all the typical cliches started sinking in... running away and tripping, splitting up, investigating scary noises. The whole thing just showed complete contempt for the audience. If you'd NEVER seen any other horror movie in your life then this wouldn't be so bad. But most people will have seen all the formulaic parts of this dozens of times before. I'm not sure if this was a PG-13 but it certainly wasn't all that gory. There was blood but only as an aftermath. There wasn't a lot of on screen visceral action. Also, there was no real sex or nudity. There was a moment when I thought Liv was going to get a knee trembler but it came to nothing. We were even cheated when she took a bath. It just sucked. As one member of a group of teenagers said to the others as I was leaving the movie theatre, "That was the worst horror movie I've ever seen. I wish I'd watched Indiana Jones instead". Don't waste your money watching this. Wait for the DVD then you can fast forward through it. I have never been so bored by a theatrical horror movie release in my life. 0 out of 10. |
June 10, 2008 | N/A | |||
| The Hunchback of Notre Dame - G | June 7, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Dorian Blues - Unrated | May 12, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| The Midnight Meat Train - R | May 12, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - PG | May 12, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Iron Man - PG-13 |
This is bound to be a big box office success but I wasn't all that impressed. It's the best Marvel adaptation so far other than Spider-man but they tried to pack far too much in. As you can tell from the official Marvel biography at http://www.marvel.com/universe/Iron_Man_(Anthony_Stark), no wonder it was all so conflated. Robert Downey, Jr., was amusing enough as Tony Stark and I expect the comic nerds will think he was perfect for the role. I never liked Iron Man as a superhero and have no real clue how much like the comic book character he is. I was much more into the X-men and Ghost Rider and I haven't been impressed by any of their big screen portrayals so far. Anyway, as I said, it tries to pack too much in. I think it's over two hours long (or at least it felt like it) but because of the pacing it all feels very shallow. You don't really get to see Iron Man's famous heart being created and it strains all credibility that he can make the Iron Man suit in a week out of bits and pieces of his existing weapons. It's not something to really think too hard about anyway though. Let's face it, we're talking about a flying robotic suit of armour here that gives the wearer superhuman powers. At this point anyone looking for realism should really go elsewhere. The action sequences are what will sell this thing. It's a mix of CGI and practical effects but mainly CGI. It's on the same level as Transformers. Kids will love it but I found it all far too rushed. Characterisation was two dimensional at best and there was no chemistry between anybody that made you care one iota about them. Most of the dialogue was cringeworthy especially any scenes involving Gwyneth Paltrow. I'll give it 4 out of 10. It has no rewatchability factor whatsoever and was just on the wrong side of annoying for me to enjoy. If I want to see robots fighting robots then I'll watch Robocop again instead. |
May 3, 2008 | N/A | |||
| Teeth - R |
I absolutely loved this film. Not only was Jess Weixler gorgeous to look at and very believable but everybody involved gave outstanding performances. Yes, it's quite gory in places but it's not without a sense of humour too. This is no horror-comedy though. Everybody plays it so straight that you forget the silliness of the whole idea. It's a real "back to basics" horror film too with no nasty grainy, shaky handycams or computer generated gimmicks. Everything looks like a movie should do with nicely framed shots. I'm sure this was low-budget but it certainly doesn't look like it. It even has John Hensley (Matt from Nip/Tuck) in it and not just as a five second cameo either. This is real indie filmmaking not glorified YouTubing. Gorehounds might be disappointed that you don't actually see the teeth in action, just the reactions as they chomp down and the practical effects used for the aftermath. A lot of men with a more nervous disposition than myself probably won't want to see either though. Girlfriends and wives everywhere can now get revenge for being dragged along to see all those "Torture Porn" films over the last couple of years. If you haven't seen it or even heard about this yet then look out for it. You won't be disappointed. |
May 3, 2008 | N/A | |||
| Made of Honor - PG-13 | May 1, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Son of Rambow - PG-13 | May 1, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Fugitive Pieces - R | May 1, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| The Ruins - R |
Think of the most disappointing Stephen King adaptation that you have ever seen and then multiply it by ten to get an idea of just how bad this version of Scott Smith's novel actually is. Scott Smith even wrote the screenplay so, to be fair, he's only got himself to blame over the fans' reaction to this. Judged on its own merits, rather than in comparison to the book, it just comes off as yet another "tourists going where they shouldn't" movie with predictable consequences. The only originality here was in what exactly is going to kill the tourists this time. I won't spoil it for you, the CGI will do that on its own, but just think of a certain Amicus film or "Little Shop of Horrors" and you'll be able to work it out. Characterisation was superficial and the acting was average at best. You won't care about any of them all that much and therein lies the biggest flaw. To actually get involved in the horror there should at least be some kind of empathy with the protagonists. Unless you are a rich twenty-something college student who is thinking of taking a holiday in some out of the way part of Mexico then you probably won't identify very much with anybody in this. Where the film does excel is in the gore scenes. There are some extremely nasty moments and everybody ends up extremely bloodied by the end of it all. Some of the more gruesome moments are ruined by such bad acting that you will probably end up laughing rather than being horrified though. It isn't scary and, although it tries desperately to be exciting in places, it does tend to plod. I give it 3 out of 10. You can enjoy this film if you don't think too hard but it's certainly nothing to go out of your way for. |
April 30, 2008 | N/A | |||
| El Orfanato (The Orphanage) - R |
There's only one good reason to watch "El Orfanato" and that's Belen Rueda. Not only does she pretty much carry the entire film on her own but she's certainly well up there in the MILF category as well. Although she does suffer from looking about ten years older in some of the more harrowing scenes, I couldn't take my eyes off her. She gave the best performance of anyone in any movie that I've seen for a long time. Apart from that, it's all yet another ghost story mixed with far too much fantasy to make it wholly satisfying. There are huge similarities to "Poltergeist" and "The Innocents" and it almost has the same look about it as "House of Voices" and "The Others". At least it doesn't suffer from the horrible overly orange hue of most Spanish films and I'm sure there are some people who will even find it beautiful to look at. I suppose this is really more of a supernatural thriller that focuses on the effects of bereavement than it is a horror movie. There are a couple of scenes which are a bit eerie and even some nasty looking make-up effects but there's nothing all that frightening here other than having to read subtitles. Back in 2005, Sean Bean starred in a very similar story called "The Dark". Whereas "The Dark" was stuffed to the gills with bogus and annoying Celtic fairytales, "El Orfanato" overuses the story of "Peter Pan" as a motif. The ending is almost as bad as "Pan's Labyrinth" but lacks the emotional impact. It also sends out a very mixed message to Catholics about suicide which is surprising for such a very Spanish film. It's a 4 out of 10 and all those points go to Belen Rueda. I will certainly be watching any other films she stars in now. |
April 30, 2008 | N/A | |||
| Deal - PG-13 | April 22, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Deception - R | April 22, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay - R | April 22, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Baby Mama - PG-13 | April 22, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope - PG | April 15, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Ferris Bueller's Day Off - PG | April 14, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Miyamoto Musashi (Samurai 1: Musashi Miyamoto) (The Legend of Musashi) (Master Swordsman) - Unrated | April 11, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| The Deer Hunter - R | April 3, 2008 | N/A | ||||
| Night of the Demon (Curse of the Demon) (Haunted) - Unrated | Based on M.R. James' short story "Casting the Runes", this is an intelligently scripted and superbly atmospheric chiller which achieves several frightening and memorable sequences. | April 2, 2008 | N/A | |||
| The Little Shop of Horrors - Unrated | March 27, 2008 | N/A |
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