| Movie | Rating | Review | Date | Your Rating | Match | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - PG-13 |
Let me draw your attention to the works of Trey Parker and Matt Stone for a second. During South Parks "Imaginationland" epic, the US Government seeks the help of various film-makers to come up with ideas on how to best combat the terrorists in possesion of their imaginations. One of those film-makers is the director of the Transformer movies, Micheal Bay. When asked for an idea how to combat the terrorists, Bay answers as follows:
"We start with a huge........CG building.........and then we have a meteor go CRAAAAAAAAAWRSSHH!!!! An........and it's all like CRAAAAAWRSH!!!!" THE. FIRST. THING. That happens in the Revenge of the Fallen trailer, is a meteor going CRAAAAWWSSHH!!!! through a big CG building. Just something to consider. Now for the review.... Please for the love of god, dont let the four start rating throw you into thinking this is what you could fairly call a "good" movie, it earns this rating from the fun garnered from seeing such brazen special effects. This is popcorn munching, brainless destruction on a scale never before seen. The camera swirls around every fight scene, no matter how minor, like its stuck in a slow-motion tornado. Revenge of the Fallen is something that has no merit in being compared to its predecessor, analysed on any intelligent level, or referenced to the long years you may or may not have spent playing with the Hasbro pieces of plastic. It's CGI. And thats it. Even Micheal Bay seems to be admitting that there is nothing else to these movies than special effects, characters frequently make references as to how stupid their situation is and there are scenes so silly you cant even find a way to make fun of them. But you know what? Who cares. Were you (ARE you) REALLY so attatched to the Transformers toys that a great big dumb movie about them is actually going to hurt your feelings? This is the stuff big screens and cinema setups were specifically made for. It sounds great, it looks better, and you can go and have a great time with friends, without having to think hard or pay much attention. Pointless sexualisation, ridiculously over the top action sequences, unintentionally funny diolauge, Revenge of the Fallen has it all, and I am looking forward to the third installment, in which Meagan Fox will need to decide which part of her body she is going to thrust towards you next. Utter retardation on the grandest scale. Go see it. Justins Best Bit: Plenty of standout moments, but the gong has to go to Optimus ripping into the Decepticons all by his lonesome. |
December 10, 2009 | N/A | |||
| The Twilight Saga: New Moon - PG-13 | November 18, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| The Fourth Kind - PG-13 | November 6, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day - R | October 28, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Saw VI - R | October 21, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| 9 - PG-13 | October 19, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Where the Wild Things Are - PG | October 17, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Good Hair - PG-13 | October 7, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Zombieland - R | October 1, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Alice in Wonderland - Unrated | September 28, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Shutter Island - Unrated | September 20, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| District 9 - R | September 18, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Tremors - R | A refreshingly honest and charming monster mash that doesent take itself too seriously. A giggle here and there | August 23, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Borderland - R | August 23, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Polycarp (Kinky Killers) - Unrated |
You know how you can tell when a movie is going to be shit even before you've hit the "play" button? Its when the dvd menu screen is the same as whats on the cover of the box.
I feel obligated to point out that despite the gothic look on the cover, this is NOT about vampires. Repeat: Not about vampires. A fact I discovered all too late by the time I got home to watch it. Serves me right for barely glancing at the summary on the back I suppose. Horribly sub-par acting accentuated by shoddy filmmaking and an painfully slow, dull plot laces together all the sex scenes and violent scenes, which is all anyone who picked this up would care about *ahem*. Scenes that should be graphic and powerful are glossed over so poorly and quickly that they may as well not even be there. The same can be said for the whole movie actually. Its poorly written and poorly handled, nothing is cut together to emphasise the situation and it comes off so amaturish its not funny. |
August 23, 2009 | N/A | |||
| The Unborn - PG-13 |
If I could write down all the times I've taken an "unimaginable journey into the realm of terror" I would use up the ink in at least half a dozen pens. The Unborn is just another hard slog through the same kind of formulated scares and unsuprising twists veiled by a fresh plot.
The thin veneer of a new concept just isnt enough to give The Unborn any staying power which isnt at all suprising. What does this movie do differently? Not much really, its just another blatant showcase for hot teenagers and mildly creepy visuals, sautayed with blood and sinew. Actually to be perfectly honest its more boring than anything. "Omigosh something weird and scary is happening to me, guess I'd better unravel the whole mystery with the help of a few close friends and some all knowing third party that explains the plot. How did Gary Oldman end up in this? My guess is he was either bored or doing someone a favor. He's a great actor with an amazing pedigree but he just doesent belong in a dopey "pretty teen horror" movie. In all likelyhood this will barely register a blip on the radar. For the best I'm sure. |
August 21, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Repo! The Genetic Opera - R |
Repo! The Genetic Opera is like the wedding between Sin City and Hostel with techo-rock played over the top. A truly original premise blended with an untapped genre, Repo! is like being stuck in the kind of dream you would have if you cut off the air to your brain and passed out in a puddle of glo-stick fluid.
In the not too distant future a worldwide epidemic of organ failure puts humanity on the brink of collapse, until a man named Rottie Largo starts a company called Gene-Co, that will sell you the required organs. Gene-Co and the twisted Largo family become the most powerful entities in the world, and pass a bill that states if you are not able to keep up with the payments of your purchase, then your very organs will be repossessed by the menacing Repo Man, who carves Gene-Co's property right out of the bodies of his screaming targets. The story itself is unique enough to make a groundbreaking slasher movie all on its own, but this is a rock opera, which turns the whole experience unessacarily towards biting off more that it can chew. Its a nice try, but as far as I am concerned, bizzare characters and intense violence are not complemented by musical numbers, it just doesent mesh. The songs dont rhyme properly or have much of a beat to them, and there is even fewer spaces to breath inbetween songs than there is in a regular musical. Having said that, if I absolutely had to watch any musical it would most certainly be Repo!, and it is the only musical I have ever wanted to buy. The complete overexaggeration of the premise and characters is impossible not to enjoy, it's like Tim Burton got drunk and stoned with Evanesence and wrote the screenplay in an intoxicated stupor. The only real clerical error I feel really deserves to be picked on is the choice to cast Paris "dead-behind-the-eyes-succubus" Hilton as Amber Sweet. Hilton does what she does best and sluts up the screen while simultaniously torturing the cast, crew, and audience with an overwhelming desire to punch her in the stomach. The choice is probably an attempt to poke fun at consumerism and Hilton herself, as the character Amber Sweet is addicted to surgery and appearance, but because of how well everyone else has been cast, its just kind of lame. She cant act, but at least you get to see her face fall off. The Genetic Opera is not for everyone, as it covers two bases that are so different from eachother that some may find the experience of one ruined by another, but if your enjoy a truly unique experience then this is worth paying double for. Justins Best Bit: The character Blind Mag steals the show with some of the most eery scenes in recent memory. |
August 16, 2009 | N/A | |||
| The Burrowers - R | August 16, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Funny People - R | July 30, 2009 | N/A | ||||
| Evangerion shin gekijôban: Ha (Evangelion: 2.0 You Can (Not) Advance) - Unrated |
How have I seen this? I shamefully watched the cam ripped version. Shaky quality and no subtitles. But thats ok, because not only do I already know the basic storyline from watching the original series, I'm also going to support the creators by buying the Blu-Ray at my first given opportunity. Twice.
Evangelion 2.0 is the second in a series of four movies that retells the events of the television anime "Neo Genesis Evangelion", a story of giant humanoid mecha, piloted by teenagers who are charged with defeating strange beings known as 'Angels'. Each movie chronicals approximately 6-8 episodes and while remaining strikingly similar, take creative liverties where necassary. They really are a compliment to the original works and even surpass it in many ways. If you are not all beefed up on your Evangelion lore, than this movie is going to be little more than a gorgeous looking mind-rape. We all know how bizzare anime can be, and the EVA series is no exception, so if you pick this up out of sheer curiosity be prepared to sit there and say " Wait.......what?" I would reccommend spending a little downtime getting familiar with the series if you have any interest in these high quality remakes. It's worth it. Despite the first glance sillyness, its a very intelligent anime that helps to bridge a bit of the culture gap with excellent characters, maticulous attention to detail, and a genuinely intruiging storyline. All done on a massive, and highly atmospheric scale. It's on this massive scale that 2.0 really shines. It's like a Micheal Bay movie, except animated and with a much better plot. Well, a plot at all. The EVA's are all rendered in glorious 3D, and the Angels are like nothing you've ever seen. They cannot even be described because they dont look like anything you've ever witnessed before. Added to that, an amazingly emotive and enthralling musical score, which complements the massive scale of the movie perfectly. The creative liberties taken by 2.0 make the experience all the better as far as I am concerned. When the studio Gainax was making the original series, they often ran out of money during critical development periods (but still managed to create awesome episodes), and a few things here and there were rushed, left unfinished or not thought out as well as they might have been if cash was not a problem. Here, cash is most definately not a problem, and as a result, Hideaki Anno, the director, has vividly brought to life one of the most surreal and awe-inspiring pieces of anime that is likely to remain unrivalled for the entire time between its release and its sequal. As far as the character development and and emotional side of things are concerned, I cannot say for sure how well it is handled here because I had no subtitles to assist me. But from what I know about the characters already, and the high quality, professional handling of Evangelion 1.0, I am confident that it will explore the farthest corner of the human soul just as the series and 1.0 have done. In particular, 1.0 was especially good at creating an amazing atmosphere, which complemented every characters situation. This is something you really should check out. Whether you just want to see gorgeouse battle scenes between weird monsters and robots, or are wanting to see what will be new about the Evangelion universe, this is worth paying double for. Acquire on sight. Justins Best Bit: Any scene with Asuka, the fiery little redhead EVA pilot with a perfectionist nature and self-indulgent bravery. |
July 25, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Are We Done Yet? - PG |
This is the movie that has branded the words "talentless goon" into Ice Cubes forehead.
Painfully unfunny and sickeningly predictible to the point of being insulting, Are We Done Yet is a formulated travesty that dares to call itself entertainment. After five minutes you will want to vomit, and the garbled puke-stained mumblings of your bile being heaved through your nose will probably amount to much better diolauge. Oh how funny, he fell in the water, and he doesent like water! Oh what a laugh, he hit his thumb with a hammer and fell off a ladder! Now theres a funny animal! Look, now he's chasing a guy around with a plank of wood with the intention of bashing his skull in! Stop.......my sides....... The talentless creators completely wasted of the pshycotic charm of John C. McGinley, who could have singlehandedly saved Ice Cubes big dumb arse from this epic shitstorm of formulated, sickly sweet, heartwarming, lesson learning toejam if he was given any decent lines to spark his imagination. The children are infuriating brats, the wife is an annoying stuck up bitch, and the head of the household is a passive-agressive tool with extremely unfunny anger issues that would traumatize any normal kid. Even the audio is terrible. Lame visual gags are accompanied by even lamer bursts of trumpets that try to say "how fun" but just end up coming off weak and pathetic and the inevitable upbeat scene of 'lesson learned lets make everything right again' has a disgustingly peppy vibe to it. Insulting. Formulated. Predictable. All these things are understatements. This is pure, 100% concentrated horse manure. Avoid it like AIDS. |
July 21, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Without a Paddle: Nature's Calling - PG-13 |
Ugh, the first Without A Paddle was silly, straight to DVD cannon fodder that produced a few decent laughs, nice atmosphere and likeable characters. This on the other hand is unfunny, tedious dreck that doesent deserve to exist. Every single 'joke' or attempt at humor (of which there are very few) wont make you laugh, giggle, smirk, or snort a little bit of air out your nostrils. Instead you will find yourself with a tilted head and scrunched up face muttering to yourself..."was that supposed to be funny?". This might keep children too young to understand the concept of comedy entertained for about ten minutes if you fast forward it to certain bits, but asides from acting as a forgivably shit starting point for the actors and crew to start their careers from, this is one movie that will make you pop a blood vessel when you realised when you spent money on this crap.
Flew straight past the shelves and nose dived right into the bargain bin. Will be gathering dust for a long time. |
July 21, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Brüno (Bruno) - R |
"Modelling can be hard yeah? Cause you have to put like, one foot in front of ze other, left, then right, and then what? You know?"
For all the hype and publicity surrounding Bruno, I found myself pretty underwhelmed, and pretty emotionally scarred. Just like I knew I would be. You dont have to be a pshycic to figure out that there is going to be alot of man flesh on display here. Unfortunately, retarted situations of exposed man flesh seem to be Bruno's biggest drawcard. What would otherwise be insightful jokes and clever satire fall completely short and just pale in comparison to how far Sacha Baron Cohen goes to make a fool of himself. It's a shame too, because Cohen clearly has the willpower to poke fun at things in a way nobody else would dare, which is the sort of thing I like to see in a performer. But Bruno, for me, missed the mark of treading that fine line between unapologetic gross out and social satire. The two just dont complement eachother here. What brings it down the most is that you have no way of telling whether or not the people Bruno speaks to are actual people or just actors hired to look like disgruntled strangers. I know there are some stupid, STUPID people in the world, but when a parent signs up their toddler for a modelling job that may involve operating heavy machinery and getting liposuction, I smell a rat. Having Brunos cock litteraly waved in your face for about 20 straight seconds of slow motion techno-rock doesent help you take the whole cultural satire side of things seriously either. Im sure theres a point to Bruno but im not really sure what it is. My best guess is that your not supposed to take the word "tolerate" too seriously. Everyone gets so worked up these days about tolerating everyone no matter how big of a dumbarse they happen to be that they forget 'tolerate' basically translates to 'put up with' and not 'accept unquestioningly'. You tolerate a crying baby next to you on a plane or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off. Bruno is underwhelming and a little too inneffective in delivering its message to be considered a clever social commentary, but it will provide plenty of moments where you find yourself with your head down, rubbing your eyes with your thumb and pointer finger going "jesus christ...........". Justins Best Bit: Bruno, in a feeble attempt to go straight, finds himself on the buisness end of a leather belt weilded by a naked and very pissed off dominatrix. |
July 13, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Role Models - R |
Any of my freinds will tell you, I LOVE cynicism, and anytime a character comes along with the same bad taste in his mouth about life as me, I flip my lid.
That was the primary drive I found behind Role Models. Paul Rudd (aka Brian Fantanna) plays a man more bitter than a crate full of lemons and it is honestly the most enjoyable part. Sean William-Scott does what he does best, screwball doofus, and the whole thing progresses exactly like you would expect. Problem happens......shenannegins ensue.......solution arises........shenannagins ensue..........progress is made, another problem hits, everyone makes up and it turns out alright in the end. Shenannegins ensue. This isnt anything you havent seen before. But a few new gags, Elizabeth Banks, and a Kiss Army should see you through it. Justins Best Bit: William Scott is ever awesome as a breast educator. |
June 20, 2009 | N/A | |||
| Gran Torino - R |
"Get off my lawn!"
Centuries from now, when the world is ruled by bald headed, multicultured, all knowing, all tolerating clones, sporting shiny silver suits and flying to their jobs via an inter-galactic space trains, they will look back on history and place Clint Eastwood on one of the highest echelons of movie-making brilliance, and cultural significance. Gazing wistfully into the glass upon the hallowed figure of that man atop his horse, one would then turn his pale bald head to the other and growl..."Do ya feel lucky? Punk?!" Such is his impact. Clint Eastwood is THE MAN. He is not just the guy who has uttered some of the most memorable razzmatazz lines in history, he is a very observant, and very educated character who is one of a rare breed that can exploit a touchy social subject with such a level professionalism that makes his point have such a devastating effect. He is a man who knows exactly whats going on in front of, and behind the camera, he knows exactly where his demographic lies and he knows exactly how to deliver a piece of media to its greatest effect. Whether it be just for his own apparant satifaction, or for something else entirely. With Gran Torino being billed as his swansong from the world of cinema, it's time to really stand up and pay tribute to a man that has done so much for his profession. He deserves to be respected, and Gran Torino does him justice. Playing the role of a cranky, socially backwards Vietnam war veteran, Eastwood brings to life that beloved old stereotype of the grumpy man on his front porch with a cooler full of beer and a loaded shotgun. His pants hiked up around his armpits, and spouting powerful racial slurs at any given moment, Walt Kowalski would be every next door neighbors worst nightmare. That is if his neighborhood was not so overrun with Hmong gangsters. After his well meaning, young Hmong neighboor is bullied into trying to steal his beloved 1972 Gran Torino by his gangster cousin, Walt at first almost kills the boy, before coming to realise that this young fool, whos people he has a grudge against for reasons few can understand, could be the vessel to pass on his values, beleifs, and legacy. What follows is a subtle but nontheless emotive journy of a man, clinging to the fringes of life, being brought around to beleiving he can accomplish something his stubborn nature will let him be proud of. This is a movie that moves at a pace proportionate to Eastwoods character. It's aggressive and confronting, but at the same time, a multi-layered, rewarding experience after youve spent some time with it. The lasting effect comes not from the raw tension of just having a gun in someones face, but from the connection you feel with the man pointing the gun. This is a fine example of Eastwoods skill as an actor and director, he can make the man completely overpower the machine in every way. Hell, all he has to do is point his thumb and pointer finger at you in the SHAPE of a gun and you will feel like running for the hills. This makes Walt, unfortunately, the most interesting character in the movie by far. It may be fair to say that the same impact could not be made if there were four or five other characters vying for the limelight, but soulless gangsters and Walts dull sons, you never really notice anyone but him. Perhaps this reflects his loneliness? Gran Torino is an unmissable title for any movie-goer worth their salt. It's a masterfully executed film with a wonderful perspective and a real 'lump-in-your-throat' conclusion. This is fine, fine cinema, from the mind of a man who has been there through it all. It will make your day. Justins Best Bit: Racist, grumpy, and deteriorating, Walt Kowalski has no stomach for small talk and pleasantires. When he calls you 'Dickless' he means it. |
June 19, 2009 | N/A |
758 ratings
496 reviews
