jessichaos
http://www.flixster.com/user/jessichaos
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| Movie: | see favourite movies list |
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| Actor: | see favourite actors list |
| Director: | Joel Coen, Wes Anderson, Alfonso Cuarón, Guillermo del Toro, Sam Raimi |
| Quote: | "You do not give a five-hundred dollar tip to the housekeeper! That's inappropriate! That I don't forgive!" - Dignan, Bottle Rocket |
I write, I sing, and I've seen every Jeff Goldblum movie ever made, no matter how terrible, (and so many are terrible). Friends and family aside, the things that matter most in my life are music, film, literature, comics, tattoos, Firefly, and stand-up comedy, in that order. I practise creative swearing; my mouth could make a sailor blush. I work too much, so I smoke too much. Much like the common bat, I am primarily noctournal. If you want to know anything else, ask.
 Please don't add me if you are under eighteen, have nothing in common with me*, and/or U tYpE lik DIS. * This means that you should actually have, you know, content on your profile. I'm not using this as a dating site, so if you're not interested in actually talking about movies, please leave me in peace. |
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Jessi's Recent Reviews
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I recommend you see...
Trilogy of Terror II
by Creepposted 21 days ago -
I recommend you see...
Dead Birds
by CreepAs some of you may already know, atmosphere is the biggest factor for me in any horror film. Dead Birds is drenched with atmosphere. It drowns in it! This is up there with some of the most atmospheric horror films ever made, and I loved every second of it. The atmosphere alone was enough to send chills down my spine. Dead Birds is indeed one spooky ass ghost story. Eerie, breezing night winds that howl within the dark fields. Rumbling thunder from the rainy moonlit sky. Soft spoken whispers in every corner of a dark and creaky old farm house. Ghastly possessions and demonic-like children hiding under the beds. All of this is done at a calm and slow pace, but that's the beauty of it. That's it's charm. It's almost hypnotic, and in many ways relaxing, but spooky at the same time. Dead Birds is a horror movie to get cozy with, underneath the blanket, on a dark and stormy night. This movie isn't like any other horror film we're use to seeing these days. Dead Birds takes us back when horror films relied more on it's settings, with the dark and cold cinematography, as well as the eerie sounds inside the old dark house. It can almost pass for an old black and white horror film, in terms of it's style and way of storytelling. Dead Birds should be a lesson to all the crappy horror films these days. This is one good movie!
Amazing story, as well as a perfect thought out back story. A simple, but subtle script. Solid performances from the whole cast. And like I mentioned before, beautiful cinematography! Plus, how can I forget...it's bloody and gory too. Dead Birds should have gotten more play than it did. It's a shame something like this goes unrecognized or even ignored by the horror community. We need more horror movies like this. Dead Birds is a real spooky treat! A solid ghost story.
**For people looking for a fast paced horror movie(or something like SAW), look else where.**
Hey, you should really see this!
posted 26 days ago -
I recommend you see...
The Stuff
by CreepThe Stuff is a fantastic B horror movie. Yes it's sort of cheesy, but this movie is fun as hell. This is the kind of movie I can see Elvira hosting on a late night Creature Feature. It almost plays off like a cheap 50's B sci-fi/horror film that would see at a drive thru. The Stuff isn't scary, it's not intense, and it's not that gory. The Stuff is just an entertaining, wacky, and wild romp! You can't take this movie seriously or you'll be hugely disappointed. Larry Cohen's intentions wasn't about making a serious movie. The Stuff is strictly tongue in cheek. Everything in this movie was done for a purpose. From it's bad acting, to the playful script and many cuckoo characters...all of this works to the film's advantage. The Stuff is another great movie for the Halloween season.
Another thing...The Stuff looks so damn deliciously good and creamy. I would eat it in a heartbeat. F**k being invaded by it's evilness! It looks so damn tasty!
"An Entertaining Slice of B-Movie Schlock"
- eFilmCritic
"I wasn't sure what to expect from this movie. I knew it would be cheesy, because of the title and plot, but I didn't expect to find it so fun to watch."
- Upcoming Horror Movies
"This movie is hilarious! Doesn't really show much script wise, but it's so funny. Anyone who likes some of the lesser-known films of the 80's might appreciate this little gem."
- Bloody Disgusting.com
"The Stuff isn't the deepest or most thought-provoking production of all time, but it does make a valid point and does so in an intelligent and amusing way. It's a great way to spend an afternoon and has a genuine charm that one can enjoy."
- Scared Stiff Reviews
"For fans of sly horror movies with something to say, this is The Stuff you're looking for."
- Apollo Movie Guide
"More or less forgotten in today's day and age, The Stuff is an enjoyable, cheesy 1980s horror film from director Larry Cohen. Though it's classified as horror, it isn't scary at all. It's really more of a campy film with a neat premise, and with social commentary to lend it more credibility."
- Silver Screen Reviews
"***1/2 Larry Cohen's The Stuff is perhaps best described as Don Siegel's Invasion of the Body Snatchers meets Irvin Yeaworth's The Blob, replete with a black humor, Z-movie premise, presented via Swiftian satire, as the director highlights the absurdity of mass consumerism in a manner akin to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead."
- The Horror Review
"The Stuff is as entertaining as a movie about Killer Yogurt can get. All the stock characters are in place, the cliché playbook is run through with a fine toothed comb and as you might expect the movie is appropriately gooey."
- Brokedown CinemaHey, you should really see this!
posted 26 days ago -
I recommend you see...
The Possession of Joel Delaney
by CreepIt's like "The Exorcist" meets "The Serpent and the Rainbow". Not as good as those, but it's still very good.
The Possession of Joel Delaney is an interestingly strange and different look on satanic possession. Many parts are quite eerie in places, while others are very disturbing, especially the sickening ending that involves a little boy. Strong performances, a solid script, along with a creepy story make this movie well worth a watch. But The Possession of Joel Delaney does have it's flaws, and it tends to drag on sometimes. Regardless, that shouldn't stop you from seeing this. Although it's not an outstanding horror film, it's definitely an entertaining one with an intriguing story to tell. It puts something new on the plate for horror fans. Perfect movie for Halloween!
Hey, you should really see this!
posted 26 days ago -
I recommend you see...
Dead of Night (Deathdream) (Night Walk) (The Veteran) (Whispers)
by CreepA spooky, atmospheric, fun and chilling B horror movie. Dead of Night is the perfect popcorn flick for a Halloween night viewing. Directed by Bob Clark, the man who brought us Black Christmas, Dead of Night tells an eerie tale of a deceased soldier who returns from Vietnam as a zombie. This movie was shot on a very low budget, and it definitely shows. But not to worry, cause the cheap look only works more toward it's advantage. Here we get all the spooky elements that make a horror movie so frighteningly fun...the sounds of howling winds, the cold and dark spooky atmosphere, the creepy and dramatic music in the background, and of course one hell of a scary ass lead character.
Dead of Night is not gory, nor is it violent. There's nothing extreme about it. In fact, this movie is actually rated PG. But if that stops you from seeing it, then you're missing out. Dead of Night didn't need to be extreme. It was perfect just the way it was. This movie is more about mood and atmosphere than anything else. It aims to send shivers down your spine by building tension, and creeps up on you from it's dark and cold cinematography. Dead of Night is a true treat for any horror fan who longs a great ghost story. And like I said before, it's a perfect Halloween time movie! Alone in the dark, with a bowl of popcorn, is the only way Dead of Night should be viewed.
Hey, you should really see this!
posted 27 days ago -
I recommend you see...
Trailer Park of Terror
by CreepI gave this movie way too many chances, but it never worked. I wanted to just shut it off like every ten minutes, but I don't know, something about it had me thinking it might get better. It wasn't till an hour and 10 minutes into it that I realized the movie was going absolutely nowhere. Nothing happened! And when something slightly interesting did occur, it took 20 minutes to build up to it. And a fu**ing lousy payoff too. This movie is all talk and no action. It wants to be sick and extreme, but it just isn't. It's just a boring movie that drags on and on, with many unnecessary scenes and plenty of lame, and effortless dialogue. This is not an instant "cult classic" as many other reviews have said. I don't think this crap can be a cult classic! I mean how can it be? Can there seriously be a fan base for this crap? It's a such a retarded, pointless and completely forgettable movie. What a snoozer! Booooooooo!!!
It's a shame the producers blew their money on this. I feel bad for them. I mean really, this was such an unnecessary film. There was not one single new thing to offer any horror fans...
I'm already starting to forget this movie. haYou seriously shouldn't see this. I really just don't see the reason of why this movie was even made. It was so damn pointless. Save yourself the time.
posted 29 days ago -
I recommend you see...
The Innocents
by CreepThe Innocents is a scary and atmospheric horror film. Perfect movie to watch around Halloween time! This is an excellent film. Beautiful cinematography, amazing strong performances, and a chilling story. Some creepy ass kids in this movie too. Watch this one alone at night, with the lights off. Chilling stuff!
"A real shocker, it chills the heart."
- Kalamazoo Gazette
"Creepy, atmospheric happenings with effective direction + Deborah Kerr."
- Video-Reviewmaster.com
"Sends some formidable chills down the spine."
- New York Times
"An impressively creepy adaptation of Henry James' The Turn of the Screw."
- Guardian [UK]
"Stylish, intelligent and creepy. Cinematic storytelling at its finest, where word and image are perfectly married."
- Channel 4 Film
"...creates an appropriately spooky tone that builds slowly, incrementally, until it reaches a shattering conclusion."
- DVDTown
"A chilling movie! This film gives me the creeps every time I see it." - The Terror Trap
"It sneaks under your skin, subtly and suggestively portraying something sinister and perverse that may exist only in the protagonist's head, but that doesn't mean it can't mess with yours." - DVDJournal
"The Innocents a downright creepy film, the kind that haunts you long after the lights have been turned back on."
- Classic-Horror.com
"Is it the finest, smartest, most visually savvy horror film ever made by a big studio?"
- Village VoiceHey, you should really see this! Great for Halloween!
posted 29 days ago -
Hey - try this quiz and see how we compare
Horror "Scream Queens" Quiz: Maxime Editionposted 32 days ago -
Hey - try this quiz and see how we compare
Horror "Scream Queens" Quiz: Maxime Editionposted 32 days ago -
I recommend you see...
Hey, you should really see this!
posted 32 days ago -
I recommend you see...
Vikaren (The Substitute)
by CreepThe Substitute is a cool little sc-fi/horror film part of the "Ghosthouse Underground" productions, which released a string of horror films, many which are being released to DVD just in time for the Halloween season. Among the Ghosthouse Underground production films is the atrociously bad "Dance of the Dead". Being that Dance of the Dead was so horrible I was extremely skeptical about The Substitute being an even remotely satisfying film. Because I'm a very open minded person I give every horror film a chance, and even though Dance of the Dead sucked, I'm not going to exclude all Ghosthouse Underground films from my viewing pleasures. Yes, I was indeed worried about The Substitute being total crap, but let me tell you...I'm sure glad I watched it!
A good way to describe The Substitute would be saying it's like "The Faculty" meets "The Goonies". Yes, it's rated R, but don't expect and any gore or any hard violence. There's not even any blood, no nudity, or anything extreme at all. It earned it's R rating simply for just a few "F" words. The Substitute plays more like a kid film. As a matter of fact, without the few scenes of profanity, The Substitute would feel more like a soft PG-13 horror film.
Plot:
"6th Grade gets a new substitute teacher. She wants to train the class for an international competition in Paris. But something isn't right. How is she able read kids' minds? Why is she so mean? And how does she manage to convince everyone's parents she is so great when the whole class knows she is really an alien?"
The performances here are all solid, even from the kids. Each kid is very likeable and fun. The whole damn movie is fun! An interesting and unique story to go with it as well. The humor isn't laugh out loud funny, but let me tell you, it's very sharp and it's smart. The dialogue is intelligently playful and cool. The movie is faced paced and witty. The Substitute is like the films you watched as a kid that hold a special place in your heart. It's actually more like a kid film that's for adults.
There is nothing scary about The Substitute, that isn't the point of the film. It's simply just a fun and enjoyable horror movie! Nothing more.
And just for a heads up...you should watch this movies in subtitles. Being that the language is in Danish, the movie is dubbed in English. Watching this one dubbed makes everything seem way too cheesy, which in fact this is not a cheesy movie. If you watch The Substitute with subtitles you'll enjoy it more. It won't come off that corny.
Hey, you should really see this! This is NOT the one with Tom Berenger.
posted 32 days ago -
I recommend you see...
Dance of the Dead
by CreepI don't know about you, but sometimes when watching a ridiculously bad, stupid movie I get this weird feeling of embarrassment. Dance of the Dead was one of those movies.
I didn't laugh once. I didn't even chuckle. This movie was ridiculously unfunny and lame. The script is an embarrassment. It's like a script I would have written in English class in the 5th grade. It would have been funny to me back then, but at age 10, like all kids my age, my humor was quite silly and extremely dry. Of course back then kids my age have always found me funny, but as I grew up I stopped telling "knock-knock" jokes and slipping whoopee cushions under my friend's couch. That's what Dance of the Dead feels like. It feels it was written by a guy who had never grown up, the kind of guy who would find much humor in movies such as "Date Movie", "Meet the Spartans" and "Disaster Movie". This is the kind of horror movie in which a great sense of humor was desperately needed to save it from falling apart. The acting was horrible, yes, but with some really funny dialogue that could have been overlooked. Who cares about some silly acting if you're laughing your ass off?? That's the thing with horror films, you can get away with murder. Plot holes, pitiful performances, cheap production value, bad script, etc...These can all be forgivable, but you need some material of good substance to balance that out. I understand Dance of the Dead had some really good direction(camera wise), but in every direction there is a story to tell. In the story we see the visuals take action, hear what characters have to say, and pass most of our judgment. Yes, cinematography and shot choices are definitely a plus, and I give Dance of the Dead pointers in that department, but other than that it failed to tell a funny story(which was it's main focus). It failed to be smart or even unique(I see that it tried...but it still failed!). It just failed on every fu*king level to be entertaining. I understand this movie was suppose to be silly, outrageous and over the top. But so what? Plenty of horror films are good when they're silly. Dance of the Dead wasn't one of them. I get what they were trying to do, they just sucked at doing it. This is the kind of horror movie I would show to my little baby cousins. They would definitely find Dance of the Dead very funny.
For the people who just love gore in their horror films, and nothing else, you might actually dig this movie. But for the people who look for a little more in their horror films...I don't think you'll find it here.I say skip this joke. I thought this movie sucked. Not my kind of humor, but I don't know, maybe you still want to give it a shot.
posted 33 days ago -
How well do you know your horror movie Scream Queens?? Try this new fun horror quiz I made! Guess the famous horror movie Scream Queen that's on the cover of the Maxime magazine in each question. Good Luck!
Horror "Scream Queens" Quiz: Maxime Editionposted 35 days ago -
Hey - try this quiz and see how we compare
Horror Posters Game: Puzzle Mixerposted 37 days ago -
Try this fun new horror movie quiz I made! Guess the horror movie from the scrambled movie poster in each question. Every poster has all of it's pieces, and nothing is missing or repeated, it's just perfectly scrambled. The pictures are set up that way for a fun and better challenge. Good Luck!
Horror Posters Game: Puzzle Mixerposted 37 days ago -
I recommend you see...
The Midnight Meat Train
by CreepI was loving this movie in the beginning. Everything, from the great acting to the dark, dreaded atmosphere, grabbed a sudden hold of me. It wasn't even the gore that excited me really. The gore(the blood actually) looked too animated and stylized, and it did't much impress me. It's not that CGI gore is lame to me, it's just that the feel of The Midnight Meat Train, at least to me, was quite realistic. I give all credit to the acting for making me feel that way, which is a good thing. Perhaps the use of more latex or more actual blood syrup would have had a bigger affect on me. What I'm saying is, the use of more realism in the kills would have shocked me more. All in all, the gore was pretty cool, just not the main highlight for me in this particular film. And also, the thing about The Midnight Meat Train being "insanely gory", I have to disagree on that one. I can't see why people are saying this is so frigging gory. It's not really that much of a bloodbath at all. Good use of violence, but definitely not the continuous, non-stop gore that I've been reading about. Graphic, but not too graphic...still, not a big deal.
Back to the beginning, as I was saying about the great atmosphere and terrific acting, and also along with an intriguing storyline and some nifty camera work, The Midnight Meat Train definitely had my eyes glued. I loved Ryuhei Kitamura's Azumi, so I sort of had this feeling that I wouldn't be let down from the very beginning. Great style he uses in all his films.
Okay, here's the bad part...
About 30-40 minutes into the film everything fu*king fell apart. The acting became weak and the characters became emotionless. I know it sounds insane, but I kid you not. The acting went from great, to fu*king sleepy and boring. It's like the actors weren't even trying to act like the "original" characters anymore, and I don't know if it's because the script started getting bad or what, but the dialogue started getting silly and pretty corny. Almost like the director wasn't telling the actors exactly what to do anymore. I swear, it was freaking weird. Everything just became weak, at least in comparison to the whole fu*king beginning of the film. And like I said, the dialogue became pretty corny. The responses the characters were giving in scenes just became too typical, simple, and very predictable. Why?? The dialogue seemed so sharp and intelligent in the beginning. Did the director loose the last 60 pages of the script or something?(sarcasm of course) Even the two main characters who are dating, suddenly and completely loose their chemistry. They have this one scene when the main photographer has an emotional meltdown with his girlfriend about taking pictures of "happy" things. It was such a disgrace. What a ridiculous scene. At first I was convinced they truly loved each other, and then at that particular scene they "acted" like they loved each other. Yes people, there is a big difference. Bad performances come from actors who look like their trying so damn hard to act good. It becomes obvious to the point where it's laughable. In that scene in The Midnight Meat Train, they were trying soooooooooo hard to be torn by their issues and show their love for each other, that it became way too silly. Their acting skills went out the fu*king window and it looked more like they were auditioning for a bad high school soap opera. I only point out this one scene because that's the exact point, if I remember correctly, that the movie started to go down hill. I have no problem with bad acting in horror films, trust me, that's not the real issue. It's just that it didn't fit the film...at all. Everything in Midnight Meat Train was going at a certain pace, and great acting was part of that. And then BAMN!...you suddenly get bad acting in the middle(and continuing the whole time from there) and now you get a whole new movie. Just didn't fit well.
Things get worse...
Scenes started to drag out for a long time. My mind started drifting off to other things at those points. I was no longer focused on the movie. It was like the director finished the whole film, realized that it was too short, then went back for reshoots to fill in some more running time(I'm sure that didn't happen, but I swear I wouldn't be surprised if it did).
The camera work started to get a bit sloppy. And I'll say this again, only in comparison to the beginning of the film, is why I complaining about this. The filmmaking was top notch in the beginning, Slick and wise angles, shot choices and camera movements, as well as nice cinematography. Then later on, everything kind of became flat. It just didn't feel like the same movie. It all got a little dull and sloppy. Nothing fit well to me!(at least in my eyes) Did the DP take a bottle of sleeping pills? Maybe. Or maybe the whole damn crew just fell asleep on the set. Again, if you read my other reviews, sloppy movies don't turn me off DEPENDING on the film's overall tone. The Midnight Meat Train did not start like this, and I can pretty much bet they didn't want a half-ass horror film. Ryuhei Kitamura is known for using unique and amazing styles in his movies. I just don't know what happened! And this is actually a great way to explain the whole thing!...It felt like, and I seriously mean this, it felt like they simply ran out of money in the middle of filming. Like lots and lots of money. Everything after a certain point just felt cheap and rushed into.
Now...The worst thing about The Midnight Meat Train was the whole ending! The whole 15 minute crappy ending that capped it all off. Just when I thought it wouldn't get any worse. I always said Clive Barker came up with some truly amazing stories...I guess now I can also say some crappy ass endings. The film went from being a serious, intense horror thriller, to a movie about a heroic man jumping on trains like superman and fighting supernatural goblins in a tunnel. Yes, that might sound cool...but it just didn't fit well. The movie seemed to have gotten lost in it's own story, got tangled in a mess, and spun out of control. It was like a horror movie with manic disorders. Constantly up and down and all over the place. I seriously was so psyched about seeing this movie too. What a huge disappointment. My rating on The Midnight Meat Train is for the beginning part of the film only. I give it credit for having a good and interesting start.
Just my opinion. Many people do like this movie, and you might as well. You might want to give it a look.Wasn't really a fan of this at all. Very disappointed. But you still might want to give it a try.
posted 41 days ago -
Come see this movie with me...
Feast II: Sloppy Seconds
by CreepI'm not missing the point with Feast 2. I get it completely. John Gulager directed Feast 2 bad purposely, with plenty of outrageous raunchiness, loads of cheap gore, and silly little kid toilet humor. The fact is he failed at being stupid. There are many good horror films that don't take themselves seriously, most on a shoestring budget, but plenty of them still don't fail to entertain. The trick to a silly cheap B horror movie, in which nothing is taken seriously, is to actually be funny. If you're going to tell a joke, make sure it's a funny joke. Same with this, in terms of filmmaking, especially with cheap horror films. If the movie is meant to be a joke, than the movie should be fu*king funny. Nothing about Feast 2 was the least bit funny. It was like a 12 year old had written the script, and was the only one who was amused by his jokes. Now that I mentioned this, and also looking back on the film, that's exactly what it was like. The film seemed to be just one long "inside" joke, that was personal to the director, or maybe even some of his filming buddies. Too bad I wasn't hanging with them to laugh also, then maybe I would've enjoyed the film better. So I correct myself...I really didn't get the point of this film, because I just didn't get the joke.
It's to bad too, cause Feast 1 was a great little horror film. Feast 1 was also produced by some big names who are truly familiar with the horror genre, one being Wes Craven, who had nothing to do at all with Feast 2. It's starting to make me think how much pull Craven actually had the first time around. Think about it...Maybe him and a few other professionals stopped most from falling into John Gulager's hands, saving Feast 1 from becoming a complete disaster. Where are your buddies when you really need them, huh? Oh well...let's wait and see if his upcoming film Feast 3: The Happy Finish can tell a better joke. Perhaps John Gulager isn't such a hack after all...but highly doubt it.
On the plus side, the one good thing about this movie were the closing credits. Just skip to that part and save some time!
Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds...sloppy movie...sloppy everything.Not funny in the "good" sense...actually it's not funny in any sense. It's just pretty stupid in the stupid sense.
posted 41 days ago -
Come see this movie with me...
Mirrors
by CreepA huge disappointment, and a huge sloppy mess in filmmaking. Does not feel like a Alexandre Aja film at all. As I figured, it was more just like a stupid "Grudge" film with 2 lame gory scenes thrown into the mix. Nothing about this film was even remotely scary. Just tame, silly, and boring. Without the blood, Mirrors is just like another crappy PG-13 horror movie. Such a shame, this could have been something special. I pray that Alexandre Aja comes back hard with his next horror film. Up until now he was one of my new favorite horror directors. It just seemed like he was trying to prove something with this film. As if he was trying to show people that he can tackle any kind of formula in the horror department and make something good of it. Well he can't! Alexandre needs to stick to what he's good at...and that would be the sick shit. The vile and disgusting display of violence he always portrayed that put his name on top of the genre in first place. I'm not saying that a horror movie without the graphic blood is bad, and if done right Mirrors could have been great, but this element really just isn't Alexandre's cup of tea. He proved that once with Mirrors, I'm just hoping he doesn't prove that again.
I hope Alexandre Aja was just joking with this film...or maybe he was just sick with the flu.
posted 41 days ago -
SORRY EVERYONE. Flixster once again screwed up my sharing options and I had to create this test all over again from scratch. So here it is! The real one this time...
Take this fun horror personality test I made. Halloween is just around the corner! Find out which Halloween ghoul you are this year. Have Fun!
Which Halloween-y Type Ghoul Are You?posted 48 days ago -
Take this fun horror personality test I made. Halloween is just around the corner! Find out which Halloween ghoul you are this year. Have Fun!
Which Halloween-y Type Ghoul Are You?posted 48 days ago
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