Paul Nelson (paulanthonynelson)

CRAPTASTIC FOUR would be more appropriate. Dunderheaded story, dumbarse character motivations and disasterous miscastings all over the shop make what should've been peerless fun a total drag. And that takes some effort. Yet another Marvel film where you find yourself wishing they could wipe the slate and start all over again.

How the mighty have fallen. When I heard the words "Steven Seagal versus Vampires", my awesometer went off the chart. The big man in an action horror film, slicing, dicing & slapping vamps -- couldn't lose, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. It's actually a laughably piss-poor effort which ranks among the worst of Seagal's DTV efforts, mainly because nobody's really trying. There's no suspense, nothing much happens, and when Seagal does appear on screen, he's shuffling from room to room, cloaked in inexplicable shadow, waving his sword like a magic wand as ZomPires (the movie itself can't seem to define whether they're vampires or zombies, never mind the viewer) fall, before shuffling away again. There's laughs to be had in the ridiculous performances (check out Steve's sidekick, who seems to think he's The Rock), oft-repeated establishing shots, random bits of offal strewn around set and the pathetic, translucent script, but this could've actually been genuinely great, trashy, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN style fun, if only someone gave a shit.

What can I say? The best ever. The history of crime as the history of America. The mafia saga granted Shakespearean heft. A story of criminals that's all about family. A film that can be everything for everyone: it has action, suspense, drama, tragic love, and a chorus of quotable dialogue. Evocative like no crime film before it: you can almost smell the pasta cooking in the Corleone kitchen, the hustle and bustle of a New York City just grabbing hold of its greatness before being torn apart by crime (and families such as the Corleones), feel the heat outside during Connie's wedding, or the cool inside the dark shelter of Vito's office. A celestial alignment of art and entertainment. Possibly the one film that is beyond reproach: EVERYTHING is PERFECT. The ultimate motion picture.

Just sublime, a pure delight from beginning to end. How someone writes and directs a beast like this at just their second time at bat is impossible for me to conceive. A visual treat, gorgeous use of widescreen, a rogues gallery of kickarse performances by a cast relishing a script that doesn't waste a single role, wall-to-wall dialogue that riffs like the greatest jazz record you've ever heard and just as damn cool. Should've destroyed GUMP at the '94 Oscars, but don't get me started on that. Like most Tarantino films, this takes you on a journey, to places that seem somewhat familiar but take forms you'd never expect. Borrowing from a thousand influences and filtering them through his own cinematic psyche, Tarantino is to film what The Avalanches are to music: a mixmaster of the highest order, who consistently steals parts from others to create a whole that's thrillingly new.